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I chanced upon these sold individually at Target for something like $1-$3 each, and bought the three primary colors. Of course I realized too late that my youngest absolutely adores them: I can’t find them in any Target right now.
Amazon comes through as always, though, but for a bit more — this pack of 6 is $29 at Amazon (and almost sold out, but I’m showing it because it was the exact label that ours had). This other pack of 6 is only $24 — we’ve ordered but haven’t used them yet.
Pictured: Bathtub Fingerpaint Soap
Cb says
Yesterday’s week in a life of a working mom got me thinking about what my weeks will look like once my dad (nanny) leaves and baby starts nursery. I’m going to trial run the nursery commute as I don’t have a sense of how long it’ll take me (bus? walk? razor scooter?)
What are your daily or weekly routine successes? What are your pain points?
Anonymous says
My kid sleeps in her school clothes. When she was a baby, sometimes I would just change her diaper at daycare. Do as little as possible in the morning!
CLMom says
Mine sleeps in comfy, clean play clothes, too.
just Karen says
Mine three. It’s been a game changer in the morning (she’s three (and a half – that part is important you know) and we started about 6 months ago)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Pain points tend to be the morning drags, especially now that our toddler just wants to keep playing (or banging on the window) when we have to get ready to leave. Our morning routine takes about 2 hours from the time we get up to the time we leave, which sounds like a long time but still feels rushed. Husband and I both shower, get ready, and eat breakfast in the morning, so that takes up time too.
Husband does pick-up and the key there is that he has to (and does) leave at the same time every day and isn’t held up by work stuff, like I tend to be. So keeping that strict end time and making sure your employer is aware of it, whichever one of you does pick-up, is essential.
Also, I would recommend finding at least 1, better 2 back-ups for when the baby gets sick or can’t go to daycare for some reason. We’ve got my dad available and as long as we tell him early enough in the day, he can drive over and watch our son if we can’t stay home.
Cb says
That’s good advice. It looks like I’ll do dropoffs while my husband does pickups – my schedule is more flexible but I’m trying to avoid cementing my role as the default parent.
Janon says
For us the biggest thing that prevents the “default parent” thing is splitting sick time equally. We’re not in so rigid of jobs that we can’t stay home with our child when she is sick (unless there is a hard deadline or big meeting, but that is not the norm). We usually do half days so that we can both put in some time rather than every other day. I think that helps remind our bosses that we’re both parents with parenting responsibilities. My husband is in a company with a pretty generous sick leave policy, so it’s not uncommon for dads who work at his company to stay home with sick kiddos.
I do pick up because I care more about getting her home by a certain time. My husband doesn’t make it as much of a priority as I do on the days we have to trade, and it really irks me. He does drop off.
Cornellian says
For me the worst part is getting the layering right, especially in cold weather. I feel like the order is this:
1. Change baby’s diaper.
2. Put onesie on baby.
3. Put pants on baby.
4. Put booties on baby.
5. Put baby down.
6. Change in to work clothing.
7. Look for baby.
8. Baby is pooping.
9. Undress screaming baby.
10. Change baby’s diaper.
11. Put onesie on baby.
12. Put pants on baby.
13. Put booties on baby.
14. Put baby down.
15. Gather pump parts.
16. Put screaming baby in to snow suit or jacket.
17. Put baby down.
18. Put baby carrier on.
19. Find baby splashing in dog bowl.
20. Decide that wet hands are okay.
21. Strap baby to chest.
22. Put on jacket.
23. Put on purse.
24. Sling cooler bag with milk across shoulders.
25. Put on my shoes.
26. Watch baby grunt and poop…
27. Repeat forever.
Anonymous says
Oh. Bless. This was wonderful to read.
Anon says
How do they know to poop just after you change them?!? Clean diapers and clothes must just be uncomfortable.
Sarabeth says
Aw, my dad was also our nanny for the first six months with both kids!
I do pickups and dropoffs because I work much closer to daycare. The biggest thing that works for us in the morning is that my husband gets the kids ready and packs up the stroller while I get myself ready and eat. He then eats and dresses after we leave the house. I leave at 8:15, so he can still be out of the house by 8:30 and in the office by 8:45 (yay for small cities and short commutes).
Cb says
It’s wonderful! My baby and my dad are best buddies. We live in another country so I feel like this is such a precious time for them to build their relationship.
Betty says
My kids are both school aged (4 and 7), but I have found that routines, for the kids and the parents, are key to keeping our lives moving forward.
For the kids: I make laminated morning schedules that the kids can follow and that become our “rules” of the morning. For example, they get their clothes out and on the foot of their bed before they go to sleep. They must get dressed before they come down for breakfast. My son’s schedule has a spot for taking his medicine, and it is as much a reminder for me as for him. It also counts down the time until we walk out to catch the bus. Being able to point to the schedule cuts down on a lot of the morning drama.
For me: I have smaller routines that I stick to every day. I eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch, so that I don’t have to plan or question that on a daily basis. I pick out my clothes on Sunday for the week ahead. I put my badge and keys in the exact same place every day (because those are two things that make me nearly loose my mind). We have the same rough schedule for dinner every week: crock pot on Monday, tacos on Tuesday, “easy” dinner (sandwiches) on Wednesday, pasta on Thursday and pizza on Friday. I do kid laundry every Monday and Thursday and my laundry on Saturday (DH is on his own). I have found that these small routines help me feel less like I’m a chaotic tornado during the week.
Anonymous says
Prep as much as possible the night before! Pack your bag, pack baby’s bag, make lunches, set out clothes.
CPA Lady says
My number 1 tip is to get my kid 100% ready to walk out the door before I start getting myself ready. That way if I’m running late, I don’t take my frustration out on her. Our routine has changed several times. Different ages need different routines. What we have going currently looks something like this:
I shower every other morning. On shower mornings, I wake up at 6:15 and shower. On non shower mornings I wake up at 6:30– this is when DD’s okay to wake light comes on, and she typically is already awake and comes into our room. I’m usually solo parenting, so I do this all by myself. Typically DD sleeps in her next day’s clothes.
6:30 – go into kitchen, unload dishwasher, make smoothie for me and kid. Load any of last night’s straggler dishes into the now empty dishwasher. Feed cats. Pour myself some iced coffee. Kid eats all meals (which are provided) at daycare, so I don’t have to deal with that hassle at all.
6:50 – get kid’s shoes and socks on. Hand her smoothie. Have argument about whether she can wait to go potty at school. Usually give in. Park her in front of Peppa Pig/Daniel Tiger/whatever while I get ready.
7:00 – make my bed and her bed.
7:10- put on makeup and comb hair (or blow-dry if its a shower morning). get dressed.
7:25- get my breakfast and lunch out of fridge (I typically batch cook and pre-package food for myself), make sure I have everything needed for the day
7:35 – begin herding child out of house.
7:40- leave
AwayEmily says
Related — showering less frequently has given me so much extra time. If you work out a ton or if you have hair that tends to be oilier this may not work, but I now shower every three days or so (usually at night) and I feel so much more relaxed in the morning. My hair looks much better, too, and my skin is less dry. Not sure if I’ll be able to keep it up in the summer when I sweat more but during the winter it’s been awesome.
Mama Llama says
+1 Dry shampoo is my best friend since I had my kid.
Anonymous says
Shower at night!
Meiqi says
I can get my about to be three year old out the door in 30 minutes, mainly because I give him as little unoccupied time as possible before we have to leave. I get up at 5:00 or 5:15 to get myself ready. I pack all lunches, gym bag, etc the night before. I lay his clothes out and he bathes at night as well. When his OK to wake clock lights up at 6:30, he goes to the potty, gets dressed, brushes teeth and immediately sits down to breakfast. My one year old may or not be awake by this point, but my nanny arrives at 6:30 to help with her. I also have a four year old with us half the time; getting her ready takes a little longer because I need to do her hair and she takes longer to eat. Her mother recently cut her hair to a bob from waist length and it makes life SO much easier. If my son hasn’t finished his breakfast in about 20 min, it goes into a sandwich bag and we take it in the car. We’re on the road by 7:00 so that I can get to work by 8:00. Gotta love NYC- it takes me an hour to go 6 miles.
Due in December says
The majority of workdays, DH is not in town and I am doing drop off pick up solo. Things that work for me:
I second showering at night.
I have my breakfasts ready to go in the fridge, and I eat them at my leisure at work, while reading this s i t e. That means when the kid is entertaining herself eating cheerios and fruit or whatever, I can pack my lunch, feed the dog, etc. Or I have actually taken her IKEA highchair into the bathroom so she can watch me put on makeup while smearing peanut butter all over herself.
I realize this is in your future, but around age 2, I caved and I now allow screentime after breakfast on solo mornings. It’s easier.
AwayEmily says
Agreed that morning screen time can be clutch. We do a few minutes of Sesame Street while I do her hair and put on her socks and shoes in the morning. It’s SO nice to not have hair/socks/shoes battles because she looks forward to her “Elmos” each morning…and I can also use it as a bribe to make getting the rest of her clothes on (“once you get dressed we can go downstairs and do your Elmos”).
Sarah says
I just use plain old washable finger paints in the empty bathtub. When the kid is done, we make a fun time of rinsing off he art and then the kid gets a bath. Two activities in one!
just Karen says
I have wondered if this would work! We have white tile and grout, have you had any problem with staining? My daughter will use a whole tube of the paint in a single bath and I’m not willing to shell out $5 per bath.
Anonymous says
I use shaving cream mixed with a little food color or one of those color my bath tablets. I haven’t done it much since we renovated due to grout fears, but the one time we tried it the food color washed off. We did seal our grout.
Vent says
Hubby and I got into a four hour “discussion” last night about how our spending goals and values really don’t align. That’s always been true to some extent, but is coming up again in a big way as we prepare to purchase/build our “forever” house. He hates spending money, but isn’t a smart saver. He treats me like an ungrateful child whenever I want to spend money. Yet somehow his purchases are always justified and reasonable. He seems incapable of understanding and validating my feelings and wants. Despite these comments, he is a good person, we have a stable marriage, etc., etc. But I really feel like after 12.5 years of doing it his way in marriage, I’m ready to upgrade some things in our life without getting a bunch of flack for it. Mostly I just need to vent, but constructive ideas are welcome.
Anonymous says
Therapy. That’s literally it’s primary job. To help you break a destructive pattern.
Anon in NYC says
I agree that therapy might be useful in this situation. I don’t always jump on the therapy bandwagon, but your list of complaints here – which sound totally valid to me – will be more easily resolved with a neutral third party. I believe you that he’s a good guy and that you have a good marriage. But I can’t imagine turning to my husband and saying, in essence, you’re a tightwad who is also incapable of smartly saving money, you make me feel like an ungrateful child, and you unfairly apply a double standard to your wants versus mine. That’s A LOT to put on a person (even if justified!) without also having some tools for you both to resolve those feelings and to meet in the middle.
My husband gets anxious about having “enough” money. I find that if I want to spend money on something that he doesn’t necessarily value as much as I do, such as a household item, I approach it in a few different ways 1) whether we have the money, 2) if we don’t have the money, how long it would take to save the money, 3) how much enjoyment we would derive out of the item, and 4) the durability of the product. I think it also helps that I’m the person in our household who pays the bills so I always know exactly how much money we have.
Idea says
Are your finances 100% merged? We had a bit of this issue when we decided to consolidate our accounts since keeping track of who paid for what got annoying. I think we each felt that our “extra” purchases were justified, but that the other’s weren’t as reasonable. We now have separate “fun money” accounts with a set amount transferred in each month, and we can spend from that without judgement.
OP says
That is a good idea. We have line item “miscellaneous” spending for each person in our monthly budget that is intended to cover this kind of stuff. But it doesn’t always get the job done.
Idea says
Yeah, we tried having a “fun money” budget come out of our shared checking, but now I love not knowing or caring how much my husband’s latest toy cost :-)
Anon says
This. We picked an amount that goes into each of our separate accounts monthly. We also put all birthday money / Christmas money from parents in our personal accounts. We don’t get to judge how we each spend the money in our personal account. It made a HUGE difference in our marriage. However, that doesn’t help with major things that would come out of the joint account like furniture but we are usually on the same page about that. It was things like new clothes and video games that were causing disagreements.
Anon for this says
I feel your pain. My husband doesn’t want to spend money on anything but what he thinks is important, and loves to save but doesn’t understand the right way to save. No, our emergency fund does not go in the stock market. It’s maddening. The only solution I have found is to start mentioning things we will need to spend on months or years before we will actually have to purchase them, to get him used to the idea of the purchase and ideally thinking it was originally his idea. I am so sick of living in a cr@ppy house that is literally falling apart with worn-out furniture even though we make good money and could easily make it nice.
Anonymous says
Why don’t you just buy something? You don’t need his permission to live your life.
OP says
I totally get what you’re saying. I can’t speak for Anon, but I really should be better about not feeling like I need permission. But I have a hard time with it. Hubby and I are otherwise on the same page about so much and make decisions together. I hate feeling like I am doing something that upsets him. But the result is that I feel like I am constantly the one who compromises and gives in. That’s not a good place to be either.
Anon for this says
I can’t exactly go out and buy furniture or a new house or a kitchen reno or a new car for him without his agreement. That would not be nice. I do buy everyday stuff whenever I want, including clothes for him when I can’t stand the holes in his t-shirts any longer. The big purchases are the issue.
Anonymous says
You can. Order a new couch.
Sabba says
I get what you are saying Anon. I think it would be a huge betrayal to make a major purchase like you are mentioning without agreement from DH. But I don’t think you have to put off your wants forever. Maybe we all need to be in therapy.
SC says
DH and I have a rough amount over which we have to consult each other on purchases. It’s varied over time based on our income and discretionary budget, and is probably by “feel” more than anything else. Currently, money is tight, and it’s unlikely I’d spend more than about $100 without it either being budgeted or without at least saying, “I’d like to buy X,” and giving him a chance to weigh in. I expet the same from him. At one point the amount was probably up to $250, never as much as a couch.
Idea says
I think “just go out and buy it” sounds nice in the abstract but is quite different in reality for major purchases. Every couple approaches finances differently, and I think I would react the same (not well!) to a surprise $2k television as my husband would to a surprise couch. I like for us to both have input into those sorts of things, as we share our home and should both feel okay with the major furnishings and appointments. I feel some larger purchases do need to be compromises in my marriage, not out a sense of subservience or weird controlling, but because our finances and housing are shared and impact both of us.
OP, for major purchases and/or ones that impact your shared living space in a significant way, I think a compromise (and maybe a neutral third party) are in order. You might have to wait a bit longer than you’d like, and he’ll probably have to spend more than he’d like, but compromises and each side feeling okay about a decision are important.
OP says
Are you me? Seriously! The only difference is that my husband wants to keep too much in a low interest bank savings account. After we meet the amount of our agreed-upon emergency fund (6 months of expenses), I put my foot down about the money going somewhere else. That somewhere else can be saving/investing, just not in a bank savings account. The only exception is if we’re actively saving up for something, like a down payment or vacation and will use the money (relatively) soon.
Money manager says
I am laughing so hard at this. My husband loves to hoard cash in his 0% interest accounts and wallet/sock drawer/etc. I do regular sweeps of his favorite hiding spots to gather the money and put it in the right (agreed-upon) spot.
EB0220 says
I’m not sure this will help, but one thing we’ve found is that it helps to just set a budget. When we moved in to our most recent house, we just allocated x dollars to buying new furnishings. It totally eliminated any agonizing over spending so much on a couch (or whatever else). We simply said, do we want to spend 25% of our budget on this, or not? My husband is not the type to enjoy spending a bunch of money on house stuff so it’s easier for him to mentally spend it once (when we allocate the funds) rather than a bunch of little purchases.
OP says
You make just setting a budget sound so simple. It assumes that you can easily agree (1) that the purchases are needed to begin with, and (2) how much to spend on them. It’s hard to “just set a budget” when you don’t agree that the purchase is necessary to begin with and then have different ideas of spending.
I’m sorry if that sounds snappy. You have totally valid points and great suggestions. I just have a bad attitude today :-/
EB0220 says
Ha. No offense taken. I wasn’t sure if it would apply to your situation!
Idea says
I think opening up with “so when *do* you think we need a new (couch/ dining room table/ bathroom vanity)? Perhaps he thinks you’ll need something new in 20 years, and you feel it’s more like two. And then go from there, and set a budget on a timeline. If he’s truly unreasonable (something structural or truly beyond its lifespan he won’t budge on), then I think a therapist is in order.
Anonymous says
Reading about the Gottman concept of perpetual conflicts has been somewhat reassuring to me on issues like this. It helps me downgrade my anxiety of OMG I must resolve this conflict to save my marriage to yeah, we’re always going to fight about this and it isn’t going to be the end of the world as long as we fight fair(ish). Lately we are having constant skirmishes on whether or not to open the windows in our overheated apartment (it’s 84 degrees in here FFS!). Is there an underlying reason for his money fears that allows you to empathize better? I sometimes need to cling to those things to forgive my husband.
Idea says
OMG OPENING WINDOWS!
Husband and I have agreed to a thermostat/window détente. It means I get to open them and turn the temp down and he gets to close them and turn the temp up as we go throughout our day without comment to the other. It works bizarrely well.
Llama Mama Drama says
My husband can be like this, with all the guffaw-ing about a new couch or whatever. I take more of an informative approach. “We are getting a new couch. This one literally has a hole in it. Here is option A. Here is option B. Pick one or give me an option C by next week.” (guffaw, grumble, etc). Couch arrives. I am told it was such a good decision and thank you.
But that’s what works for us. We were sleeping on a mattress + box spring because DH didn’t want to spend the money on a bedroom set. We made $$$ at the time. Like, plenty of money. I couldn’t take it and finally told him it was happening. I’m not a crazy spender, but I was making 6 figures, had 2 kids and a nice home and an exec role and was sleeping basically on the floor. This did not seem to be an issue for DH (who is c-suite now, and literally wears socks with holes because “they are fine.”)
OP says
Good for you on putting your foot down. I should.
This made me laugh. Hubby and I have totally different views on when items have lived our their useful lives. It is infuriating.
mid-law anon says
My husband sounds similar to yours. I had to laugh at the (well-meaning) advice to “just buy a couch.” spending large sums of money without the other’s buy-in is like the ultimate form of betrayal/slap in the face to people like my husband (and I suspect like yours).
so don’t start renovating your kitchen on your own unless your end game is divorce! I wish I had short-term advice for the immediate disputes, but I think your conflicts are the by-product of something more insidious. I’ll echo the advice re: Gottman’s “perpetual conflicts” framework. The Gottman method + the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work were game-changing for our marriage. If you can make it to a Gottman couples weekend, all the better.
We were also stuck in a lot of the same cycles re: spending/saving (me: I don’t feel like an adult who can exercise her own judgment about buying a mirror for the hallway! him: but don’t you see that you’re setting us on a course for financial ruin! Repeat ad nauseum every 3 weeks.), and this framework was the only way we have managed to start talking about these very deep-seated issues, which manifested in a bunch of tiny decisions throughout daily life, in a productive and respectful way.
For my husband, financial decisions are where all his anxieties and fears coalesce, and until he and I learned productive ways to deal with his anxieties and fears (which probably will never go away), nothing got better.
GOOD LUCK! It’s very easy for people to look at this dynamic and conclude that you have a controlling misogynistic pig of a husband, but I believe that’s not true. I believe you when you say you’re married to an otherwise good and caring man.
mascot says
Despite being colored soap that you can wash with, turns out this stuff isn’t washable when your toddler decides to paint the white carpet in his closet with it. Ask me how I know. It finally came out when we had a professional carpet cleaning.
rakma says
We rented a Rug doctor so many times after the fingerpaint soap was painted on the rug (sheets, furniture, half the toys) in DD’s room, that it eventually just made sense to buy a steam cleaner on sale.
Her rug only faintly smells of bubble berry or what-have-you when you get up really close.
Background checks? says
I’m starting to look for some additional help on top of the great daycare we have. I’ve reached out through a few websites/jobs boards, but not any of the ones that provide background checks.
If you have found someone this way, what sort of background checks/vetting did you do?
Thanks!
Anonymous says
We used someone on staff at our daycare (morning floater looking for extra hours), so I didn’t do anything. Friends have done certificate of conduct from local police service (certifies no criminal convicitons) plus at least three references including googling references to ensure they were actual people and not made up.
Background checks? says
Thanks!
Betty says
When I have hired help, I have not conducted a background check, but I call multiple references. For the references, I am checking to ensure that the reference is an actual person, to get a sense of past performance and to get advice for managing this person, were I to hire him/her. I also find that people will tell you a great deal if you call for a reference. My favorite question is, “What advice would you give me for managing [person] were I to hire him/her?” The one person that I ended up firing was the one person whose references I did not call because I thought I knew enough to hire her without the reference check.
Wow says
+ 1
I hire exclusively college students and call at least 2 references, sometimes 3.
Blueberries says
I’m in California and have used the state background check system, called something like Trustline. The nanny gets fingerprinted at a state-approved location and then the employer calls the state registry and gives the nanny’s driver license number to see if the nanny passed. I believe the system includes California and federal convictions. However, not sure if it includes convictions in other states and am pretty sure it includes nothing internationally.
Paging Junior League from Tuesday post says
Hi, I am just catching up today, but I’m in my third active year in Junior League in my medium sized city in the Midwest. I’m actually leaving at the end of this league year because I am just not getting anything out of it anymore. I’m a working mom with two kids and my league skews towards 20s-40+ single women. There are lots of happy hours and other social events that I just can’t make so I really haven’t made a lot of personal connections which is a huge reason I joined. That said, I do appreciate how much I’ve learned about the needs of women and children in transition in my city and I would like to find another organization that has a lot less requirements that I can give my (precious) time to. Bottom line, if you are in the right phase of life and are looking to give a lot of time, it can be a great part of your life.
Easter / Passover traditions says
For all of you who are celebrating holy days this week and next, what are your favorite traditions? How do you spend your holiday days? This is the first year our Easter Sunday hasn’t been swallowed by dinner with my parents, and I’m super excited to establish some traditions of our own.
Anon says
I hosted easter dinner the past few years. But this year we are going out because I’m tired and busy at work and my husband and inlaws want to do it (I don’t like ham, so this is less of an issue for me). I don’t know that we have any traditions per se other than that we always did basically a thanksgiving dinner (except we add a ham), because I (usually) like cooking and entertaining a lot. For most holidays, I also do homemade from scratch overnight cinnamon rolls the morning of – not specific to easter.
Due in December says
We have been working on this because I grew up going to church, but that is not something we do now….but cultural traditions are important to me. Most of what we are planning to do this year revolves around food and celebrating springtime for the whole weekend. Out immediate family plus local extended family on Sunday for dinner. We do:
– Decorate eggs on Saturday, leave out for the Easter bunny to hide
– Hike/walk on Saturday (we have nearby wineries + daffodil fields) OR egg hunt at local zoo OR delivering plants in pots to local senior home (haven’t yet decided)
– DH makes hot cross buns from scratch for Easter morning (using candied orange peel and marmalade since we don’t like raisins) and we put on traditional choral Easter music
– Egg hunt Easter morning
– Early lunch – I usually buy a quiche from a local bakery the day before to avoid cooking. Have this with salad and, let’s face it, Cadbury’s mini eggs
– Starting dinner, baking dessert, walking dog, hanging out with family coming from church during DD’s nap
– After DD’s nap, fun gardening (like planting flowers, not weeding)
– We do the big dinner, but we do lamb (plus mint chutney, asparagus soup, roasted new potatoes, carrots, peas) and lemon tart or bundt cake….yum
In the future I might take DD to church with my mom on Easter day just because I think it’s an opportunity to learn about a religious tradition and because I like the music, but not until she’s older and has dropped the nap.
Anonymous says
A lot of ours seems to revolve around food.
Steak dinner with red wine tonight for Maundy Thursday (used to attend church as well pre-kids
Fish for dinner on Good Friday.
regular Saturday except bake a cake and decorate it into a bunny shape
Easter Sunday – egg hunt followed by quick breakfast + church, after church is casual lunch at home then naptime. Big family traditional ham dinner my parents house for evening meal. We bring bunny cake for dessert.
Sabba says
Care.com does background checks–not sure if you can use their service if you don’t go through them, but I don’t see why not. I think it is reasonable to tell any person you hire that you will do a background check, confirm with them that won’t be a problem (if it is, save the money and don’t hire them), and then pay for the background check yourself. Give any offers contingent on a satisfactory background check. I did a background check on our nanny and also checked references, which I think are just as important as background checks.
Sabba says
Ugh. This did not thread above like it was supposed to. Anyone else get the “you are posting comments too quickly” warning like, all the time, even on your first post of the day?
Becoming a SAHM says
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to my post yesterday about becoming a SAHM. I found everyone’s responses to be thoughtful while realistic and helpful. I cross-posted on the main site and the reception was not as kind. Thanks ladies!
Anon says
I didn’t get a chance to reply yesterday because kids, but I am a SAHM with a similar story and wanted to offer my support. It’s definitely important to plan for the future and prepare for “what ifs” as best as possible, but I’m also a big believer in living the life you want now. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring (esp with the current president…), and I know I won’t want to look back and wish I’d spent more time with my kids now. It’s also been a great thing for my marriage and family in terms of relieving stress and giving us flexibility and time together, at least so far (I know every situation brings it’s own challenges).. Good luck to you!
Anonymous says
Hi moms, logistics question for you. We’re TTC and I need to find a new doctor because my gyn doesn’t handle ob. The only obs in my insurance network have offices at local hospitals, so this is where I’d go for appointments and to deliver. We live in a semi-rural suburb of a major city and there are no good hospitals nearby. I have two choices:
– Affluent suburb – 30 minutes west of home – 30 minutes south of work – 10 minutes from my husband’s work – we used to live here and know the area well – smaller branch hospital of a local hospital chain
– Downtown – walking distance from my office, which is good for frequent appts – but not fun to drive to if you’re not already downtown / all the city congestion hassles / oh wait, this street is randomly closed – major university teaching hospital
Thanks!
Anonymous says
I should add that downtown is 30 minutes from home when it’s not rush hour; an hour during regular rush hour; and 90 minutes if rush hour is nuts.
AwayEmily says
I’d go to the downtown one just for the ease of the appointments. There are so many of them, especially at the end, but they are all super quick (often just 15 minutes) so it would be easy to pop over from work.
AwayEmily says
And to add — when it comes to the actual labor, even if the trip ends up being 90 minutes, that will almost certainly give you enough time to get to the hospital. Even though the “OMG I am going to have this baby RIGHT NOW!” stories predominate in movies and TV, most first-time moms have a fair amount of warning, so you should have plenty of time. And the odds that you will go into labor precisely during rush hour are pretty small.
Em says
+1 to all of this, although I would probably not labor at home for long. Walking is actually a great way to get labor to progress, so I would personally drive downtown while I was in labor, walk around downtown, and go to the hospital at the right time. Being in the car is not enjoyable when you are in advanced labor anyway, but isn’t as much of an issue early on.
avocado says
Does the smaller hospital have a NICU? I would not deliver at a hospital without one. Also, is it religiously affiliated? One of our local hospital chains is Catholic, which creates a risk of hospital policy preventing your doctor from even informing you of certain treatment options.
If those questions don’t rule out the smaller hospital, I’d look at the services and amenities offered by both hospitals and their associated OB practices. Figure out what’s important to you–bathtub in the delivery room? midwife delivery? no residents/interns? My doctor had privileges at two very similar hospitals and I literally chose the one where I had better odds of getting a tub because that was a top priority for me. I did not even consider our local teaching hospital because I didn’t want any extra people in the room, and I didn’t want anyone who was not fully trained participating in my care. Our hospital did have student nurses, so I took precautions to ensure that none of them would be involved.
avocado says
Also find out whether both hospitals are “baby-friendly” (i.e., totally rigid on rooming-in and EBF’ing). Flexibility is ideal. Even if you think you will want baby in the room 24-7, you might need to send him or her to the nursery. And even if you think you will EBF, you may have issues that require supplementation.
anne-on says
+1 – I would personally NEVER deliver at a Catholic affiliated hospital, and my husband and I both discussed ahead of time that we were ok with him telling the doctors if it came down to it, to prioritize my life over babies. I also needed a specialty anesthesiology department, so that didn’t leave me with many choices. I think I was down to two options, and I chose the hospital that was super close to our home in case of snow (winter birth in New England) and where I was guaranteed a private room even though my insurance only covered shared (that hospital ONLY had private rooms, with bath tubs! such luxury!).
Mama Llama says
I posted below about delivering at a hospital that was farther away, and the reason I didn’t choose a closer hospital was because it was Catholic. I mentioned this apologetically to my very Catholic MIL, who is also a physician, and she told me, “Oh I’d never deliver at a Catholic hospital either!”
Pogo says
Yup. I’m pretty Catholic but yeah…. not for hospital purposes.
Anonymous says
Another Catholic chiming in to agree with this (sadly).
Also tubs are the best in labor, especially back labor and especially if you are a hippy dippy and want to try non-medicated labor (heh, making fun of self). Those jets are so, so good.
2 Cents says
My vote is for the downtown one. It’s close to your work, so you could schedule more easily without accounting for drive time. Plus it’s a major teaching hospital, which might mean they’re doing “newer” techniques (like 24/7 in-room with baby, if that’s something you’re interested in). And speaking as a current high-risk who’s had twice weekly appointments for the last two months (only 1 more to go!), I’d kill for some place I didn’t have to drive 30-60 minutes in traffic to from my home and work.
Anonymous says
I’d go with downtown, and I had a similar situation when I delivered last year. I’m in the DMVA and I could choose a hospital that was 10 mins from my house (and far from work), or GW which was right by work but could be tricky to get to during rush hour. I ended up choosing GW which was close to work.There are so.many.appointments. and I had a low-risk pregnancy. I traveled to the hospital during labor mid-day and it took 30 mins. I will let you know that being in active labor in a car (like when your contractions are 4 mins apart) is very very uncomfortable, but do-able.
I’m glad I made that choice as it was the labor experience I wanted (natural labor, rooming in, very supportive of BFing, etc..). While the chance of having the baby in the car is VERY slim, If it had taken me 90 mins I would’ve had the baby about an hour after getting to the hospital, so we cut it a little close. But we also wanted an unmedicated labor so I stayed home longer than a lot of first-time moms do. They were shocked when I had the baby as quickly as I did after getting to the hospital since I was a FTM. I also wouldn’t want to be far from a hospital if my family had a history of precipitous labors (labors 3 hours or less), so check with your moms/aunts on this.
NewMomAnon says
I’m going to offer a third option – have your OB at the downtown hospital for regular appointments and plan to deliver there, but deliver at the smaller hospital near you if the situation requires it (i.e., fast labor during rush hour with not enough advance warning). There’s no rule that your prenatal OB has to be the doctor who delivers your baby.
But I absolutely would choose the place near work that likely has a good NICU. Labor usually takes long enough that you can plan to get to the hospital and labor there if you’re in danger of hitting a rush hour traffic surge – I walked the hallways of my hospital for 3 hours before being admitted while I was in labor.
AwayEmily says
Yes! This is a great point. There was a good thread a few weeks ago where everyone shared their experiences about how irrelevant their OB was for their delivery (and that was certainly the case for me).
NewMomAnon says
Oh! This is also a thing – my OB practice had several OBs, and they rotated “on call” status. So there was a pretty good likelihood that “my” OB would not be the one delivering my baby anyway. Some other practices handle this differently; one of the practices we interviewed guaranteed that your OB would be the one handling your delivery, but that really complicates appointment scheduling during pregnancy. A good thing to ask!
Janon says
Yes. My practice actually didn’t let us have a single OB. We were required to rotate, and you didn’t have “your” doctor. I lucked out and my favorite delivered my baby :)
Anon in NYC says
Such a good point. My OB throughout my pregnancy and who I had all my appointments with was not the one who delivered my baby. It didn’t matter to me, but if it matters to you (OP), it’s something to consider!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same here. I ended up getting a random OB deliver me in the end – neither my regular OB nor my regular midwife were on call during the delivery, and I wouldn’t have expected the timing to work out perfectly anyway. I was laboring for so long that I went through a few midwives on their shifts :)
For the OP’s question – I chose a practice close to my work (which, to be fair, is only 30 min from home on public transit/15 min drive). The hospital they deliver in is actually closer to home, which worked out well with my first. I’d choose the one closer to work.
SC says
+1! I had “my OB” for my delivery. The nurse was there for 99% of my labor, and my OB came running down the hall at the VERY last minute to basically just catch the baby. (I had to not push through a contraction so she could be the one to deliver—not worth it, not pushing when baby wants to come out is super uncomfortable). The nurse could have handled it just fine. Also, the grandparents were in the waiting room, and we found out later that they were freaked out by the sight of my doctor running down the hall. (Baby was a month early and had been in some distress earlier in delivery.)
PinkKeyboard says
I’d do downtown for all your appointments and if things go too quickly detour to the other hospital, it will all be fine either way. Speaking as the person who woke up at 10cm with my second and my husband exited the highway to the closer hospital out of fear I was going to birth a baby in the truck (a legit possibility if we had done the 45 minute drive). They delivered my baby just fine having never met me.
Mama Llama says
Assuming NICU quality is equivalent, I would go with the one closer to home. My first was delivered in a hospital that was a bit of a hike, and I told my husband it wasn’t a big deal because we’d only be going there once. Well, I ended up having complications that resulted in a long-ish hospital stay, and my poor husband was driving back and forth all the time. You could have false alarm labor that leads to multiple hospital trips or a NICU stay that lasts longer than your own hospital stay, which would have you driving back and forth every day.
Janon says
Agree that the NICU would be my first priority.
Pogo says
I think I would go with Downtown. It’s annoying if husband needs to drive back and forth at all, but otherwise will be convenient for you (+1 to all the freakin appointments even if you’re low risk – and if you ever have a scare, they want you to come in NOW, which sucks if you’re further away).
It is very true that your OB doesn’t have much to do with your delivery per se, but I liked having everything all “in the system” – my previous results, ultrasounds, etc. Plus, it did end up that my midwife was on call when my water broke so she triaged me which was nice (she was very familiar with my cervix!). And my OB did round on me every morning at the hospital (nice for the familiar face, not nice because it was 5am).
Anon says
Hive, tell me that moving to the nicer/bigger city 45 minutes away is totally stupid when I work from home and my husband would be commuting 45 minutes each way. We have a toddler. I miss city amenities.
Anon in NYC says
Are there close-in suburbs where you could get similar amenities / have easier access to them, where your husband wouldn’t also have to commute 1.5 hours every day?
Anon says
Sadly, no. We’re in a pretty rural Midwest area. We’re not in a metro. But we could definitely look at being on the edge of town closest to my husband’s work. It is possible he could be closer to 35-40 minutes each day, which I know sounds so doable to so many folks on this blog. But from my perspective, I’m not sure I feel like giving up 70-90 minutes that he could otherwise contribute to our family. There’s already not enough time in the day.
Anon in NYC says
Ugh, I feel you. One of the reasons we’re staying put in the city is because I don’t want to give up 2+ hours of my day to a commute. Of course, there are sacrifices too. We live in a shoebox.
Anonymous says
IMO the commute is something that you should leave up to your husband to decide if he can live with it. But if he can, there are so many advantages to living in/near a big city. Not only the amenities for you, but probably better schools for your child. That said, I hate commuting so if I was the one driving, that would be a tough call for me.
Betty says
I live in a “rural” area in that we own a small farm and are 30-45 minutes away from the “big town” and 2 hours away from a real city. While we are 45 minutes away from “the big town,” we have two grocery stores, a nice library, a movie theater, clothing stores, etc. within a 5-10 minute drive. So I think it depends on what type of amenities you miss. Are you a long way from basics and/or emergency services? Or do you miss museums, bustling city life, etc.? If it is the latter, I have found that to be cured with a day trip to the big town or a weekend trip where we stay in the city. I found that after a weekend in the city, I valued my quiet New England town, my space and the quiet more than before we left.
Anon says
I’m in a town of just over 20,000. So we have grocery stores, Walmart, library, movie theater. We do not have clothing stores or much for restaurants. We’re about 45 minutes away from two bigger/nicer cities (we all form a bit of a triangle), and because of that we can’t seem to support much for clothing stores or restaurants. We do, however, have about 3 big employers. Honestly, most employees of those places with young families live in one of the cities because it is hard for two professionals to find jobs here.
What I really miss are modern neighborhoods/homes. A neighborhood where I can walk to parks and be among young families. Houses that were built within the last 20 years. Restaurants. Walking/biking trails. More kids activities. More ways to meet other professional women.
GCA says
Out of curiosity (we live in a teeny tiny shoebox in the city), how do parents of toddlers handle all the car-naps that come with having to drive everywhere?
Anon says
We try to pretty hard to allow naps during naptime only. If we’re driving during other times, we can usually keep toddler awake with a show on the ipad. If it is time for her to nap in the car, we bring her paci, lovey, and sometimes her sleep music. We turn off the ipad and tell her it is naptime. Sometimes she protests, but she is firmly in needs a nap territory, so even if she cries, it will end in a nap. If it is naptime, we make sure she can get 45-60 minutes (which is about her limit in the car anyway), or else life will be a disaster after 5PM. Sometimes we have to take the scenic route to make that happen, but it is a priority.
avocado says
I had a non-napper, so car naps were the only naps we ever got!
Anonymous says
We tried to always drive with a second adult…so that someone could stay in the car with the sleeping baby while the other ran in to do errands or whatever. And avoid driving during nap time unless we can commit to staying in the car (either parked or just keep driving) for at least an hour.