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This dress is so different from what I normally see for maternity clothes, and I think it would be a really fun option if you’re pregnant. It’s only still in stock in sizes in 2-10 (as well as 14) at this point, but it also looks kind of big, so if you wear a larger size than a 10 you may want to try a smaller size than usual and see if it works. It’s only $38 at ASOS, and it’s machine washable. ASOS Maternity T-Shirt Dress in Abstract Mono Stripe
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Cb says
That is super cute!
GCA says
Agree – I love this dress! Finally, a retailer that realises not all pregnant women want to wear dull frilly potato sacks.
Erin S says
Love this!! Kinda sad that I’m already 38 weeks pregnant otherwise I would buy this!
HSAL says
I had two maternity ASOS dresses, and they ran very large. If you’re a 12 or 14, I’d definitely try the 10.
Betty White says
Ugh, just when I started to feel okay with my postpartum weight (about 4lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight), I had to wean kind of quickly (down from 6x a day to 1x in four weeks) for medical reasons. Now, I’m 7lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight and am worried it’ll just keep skyrocketing. Is it possible my body will sort things out with the weaning and naturally go back to my previous postpartum weight or is that just wishful thinking? Trying for #2 in a few months (#1 is just under a year) but wanted to lose some weight before piling it back on. I guess I’m looking for commiseration…whomp whomp.
LegalMomma says
Commiseration. The weight came off easy with number 1 – but is hanging around with number 2 way longer. I am so ready to get back to “normal”
Legally Brunette says
I had the same issue (back to normal weight after 1 very easily, but an extra 7 – 10 pounds with 2). A few weeks, I tried intermittent fasting per the suggestion of someone here and it’s been amazing. It’s not fasting as you would imagine in terms of all day deprivation, you just eat dinner at your normal time and don’t eat again until lunch (so you’re skipping breakfast). The idea is to put your body in fasting mode so that it burns fat. I’ve lost those 7 pounds very easily, with minimal exercise. And the crazy thing is that I am not starving when I break my fast at 1 pm at all — so I’m eating much fewer calories than before but still feeling full.
Maddie Ross says
Everyone’s hormones do things differently, so I don’t want to be a negative nelly, but I totally had that happen after baby #1, too. I got down below pre-pregnancy weight while BF-ing for several months, but once I stopped nursing, it jumped back up. The good news, it only jumped up about 5-7 pounds above PP and I stabilized really well there. The bad news, it took super intense workouts (crossfit-style) and a major change in eating habits (buh-bye sugar and booze, among other things) to get down to my PP weight again after weaning. Part of it for me was definitely that I was used to eating like a 13 year old boy while nursing and it took a bit to retrain. Part of it is that I think my weight re-set a bit higher after giving birth. So yeah, it’s doable to get down again, but it’ll likely take work.
Anon says
+1. This was me. I added 5 pounds to my normal weight after each kid, so I’m up 10 pounds form pre-pregnancy even though I’m more than a year past weaning my second. I’m able to get it off and keep it off if I do a pretty intense workout regimen, but with two young kids that’s pretty much impossible to maintain, so it sneaks back up. It’s basically rest my normal weight to this, and I hate it. Argh.
AwayEmily says
I also dropped below pre-pregnancy weight while BFing. I stopped pumping two weeks ago and have already put on weight (haven’t weighed myself but my pants are definitely tighter). I imagine it will get even worse once I stop nursing altogether. Blech.
Katarina says
Both times I gained 3-5 pounds after weaning. I actually found the weight gain worse with slower weaning, because my appetite did not decrease at all while I was nursing at all.
FWIW I started out my second pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than my first, but gained less weight the second time. I also had an easier time losing weight while nursing the second time.
I weaned my second about two months ago. I am currently trying to lose weight after weaning my second, and it is not going well. I have been really hungry, to the point where it is distracting me at work, and I know that this is not sustainable. I am eating a fairly large amount of calories, though, and losing weight slowly. So it seems like a loose-loose situation.
Anon for the Moment says
Seeking advice: TL/DR – amazing opportunity to have a book of business, career making – in an area I have zero interest in practicing in. How do I say no gracefully?
I am a mid/senior associate and getting to the point that partnership is on the horizon. I really enjoy my firm and my practice group. I am doing the type of work that I have always wanted to, and that I want to continue doing. It is an area that is difficult to generate clients in and will require years of building – institutional clients are not available. Recently, I was offered an opportunity to work with a specific older rainmaker (who works alone) in an entirely different area – with the intention that I could potentially continue in that area with that persons clients in the future. The problem is that I 1. Haven’t done that work before and 2. Don’t want to do that work and want to continue what I’m doing.
Firm management (whom I respect) thinks that it is a fantastic opportunity that senior rainmaker wants to work with me, has offered support, and is mentoring me that of course you should take this opportunity- we all end up doing things we never thought we would. The problem is that I am doing exactly the type of work I want right now. I am happy and I love what I do – even with the uncertainty. All of this is complicated by the fact that the firm really wants to hang on to these clients and develop a practice.
When I think about doing the new opportunity as my career I feel a huge sense of dread, when I thtink about the possibilities in my current area and continuing my current path I get excited.
In the end, I feel like I have to say thank you so much – but this opportunity is not for me. How do I frame it in such a way to acknowledge both how honored I am, but also that I understand what I am giving up but make clear that this isn’t an option for me I really am happy where I am and want to continue.
TIA
NewMomAnon says
That’s interesting. I had a senior partner approach me about taking over her book when I was about 5-6 years in. Her book was not at all related to my practice, and would have required me to scrap all the expertise I had built up (and which I enjoyed a lot!). I tried to work with her for a few months because I was really flattered and it did seem like a way to move ahead at the firm. I quickly realized that there was a reason she hadn’t trained a successor yet; she was an awful supervisor (disorganized, demanding, intrusive), her “clients” were actually kind of amorphous and not easily passed along, and she didn’t have the expertise she claimed I needed, so I was flying without a net on a lot of difficult questions.
Obviously, my situation wasn’t the sweetheart deal you describe, but I walked away from that and have never regretted it. The firm wound up bringing on a more junior person to take over several practices from folks all 5-10 years from retirement, and it’s been a much better arrangement.
mascot says
What is your firm’s plan for current practice group? Is this a nice way of giving you an out because they don’t plan to continue to practice in that area or that your future in the group is uncertain? This partner is a silo practice with a big book- who knows if his clients will leave when he leaves. If you otherwise feel secure in your group, I think you re-affirm your worth to that group when you decline.
Anonymous says
You should talk candidly to a trusted mentor about this opportunity. At both my current firm and prior firm, these types of opportunities are given to associates they value but they are certain will not make partner in their current practice area. Turning it down is basically like giving notice – it would be made clear to you when you turned it down that you have 6-12 months to find another job.
I can’t tell from your post whether you want to continue what you are currently doing at your current firm, or continue that practice elsewhere, but you should think about what you would do if it was this opportunity vs. find a new job.
OP says
From the way it has been presented – it is more that in the last 4 years I am the only person that the rainmaker in question has been willing to work with (worked with him initially on a larger project specifically because of my expertise in the other area, have done other one offs for him since). It was presented by this individual as part of the current push to get older members to have transition plans in place and has been seized on by management as a great opportunity for me, and a great opportunity for the firm to keep these clients.
I’ve been assured that I have as much chance as anyone else in my group of making it, it’s just not guaranteed and will require a lot more development effort. And to answer your question – while I would much prefer to stay where I am, I would be willing to go elsewhere to continue doing the same type of work.
I think my major issue is how to decline without sounding like a whiny entitled brat. But in the end I’m making the decision because I want to really enjoy what I am doing versus having a job with potentially a lot more stability, but disliking the day to day.
(Add to all of this I returned from maternity leave a very short time ago- so my workload is still ramping back up, and I am still attempting to get back in the flow of juggling everything)
Anon says
A slightly different perspective from a non-equity partner: it’s very, very, very, very, very difficult to be happy in the practice of law long term without your own book of business. I would have felt exactly the way you do when I was a mid-level/senior associate. Now, I would jump at an opportunity like that because building your own book is crazy, no joke hard. And there’s minimal job security for partners without a book. I still love what I do. But, the toll that the stress of trying desperately to build a book of business has taken on my mental and physical health is serious.
That said, there’s no guarantee that this deal would work out. I’ve seen people make the jump being offered to you and have it fall through and the promised fees never happen.
Work travel? says
I’m not a lawyer so take my comments however but I have been in a similar situation w respect to a perfect opportunity with a wonderful mentor, growth and success laid out in a particular area…that I had no interest in. In my heart I knew it was the wrong decision so I went to a trusted mentor for advice about turning it down. And she told me I couldn’t without alienating this important group. Fast forward 2 years and it has been a disaster because I.just.do.not.care about this topic. The people are great but I wish I had gone w my gut. In hindsight OF COURSE I could have turned it down, and frankly I think everyone would have had a better 2 years. In my case it’s not a long term career shift but still…I think doing less than my best on this ended up hurting me.
So, my advice…you know what your heart says so be honest and go w that. And the fact that this is happening while you are ramping back from maternity leave makes me think even more that you should not make any major changes or decisions.
CHJ says
Recently my 3.5 year old has started saying very mean things to his friends. Like he was playing with his friend who is a very sweet, sensitive little girl, and she started saying she wanted us all to go to the beach this summer. He got right in her face and yelled “I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH WITH YOU!” Which made her cry, of course. And then last night, we had good friends over for dinner including one of my son’s best friends, and as they were leaving, he ran up to the doorway and yelled “GOODBYE! NEVER COME BACK!” This has started out of the blue in the last few weeks. I’ve tried talking to him out of the moment about being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, but once he’s in the moment, he doesn’t seem to care. Any ideas?
Anonymous says
This is not helpful advice but maybe commiseration – our neighbors have kids of a similar age and I heard one of them shouting “Leave our house!” when some friends were leaving. (Notable because our daughter asked us why they would be so mean and I tried to explain that he probably didn’t mean it and he is just learning that certain people live in his house and certain people are just visitors…wasn’t sure how best to explain!)
Anonymous says
Immediate time out. That behavior is not allowed. If he was walking up to people and hitting them, you wouldn’t hesitate to take him away from those people. He’s hitting with words.
NewMomAnon says
Hmm….I’m thinking of my newly minted 3 year old daughter. I don’t know that she would understand if I said “that behavior is not allowed” in this context. What behavior? And what should she do instead (ever have that moment when you feel like you need to say something and the thing you blurt out is inappropriate)? Something like, “we use our words to make friends feel welcome – shouting/saying do not come back/whatever does not make friends feel welcome.”
For instance – my daughter was not registering “do not hit/pinch/poke/scratch.” She would get agitated and compulsively grab at me and her dad. I changed the message to “we touch only out of love; hitting/pinching/poking/agitated touching is not love.” And it worked much better!
Anon says
Yeah – there’s no way my 4 year old would connect WHY he was being put in time out for those statements. I’d react by telling him not to yell, first. Then help them break it down – ask the other kid how that made them feel. Ask him to try again to explain what he means. Try to find a compromise. I’ve gotten more mileage out of pointing out how it made the other person feel, asking what he meant, then trying to give him better words to explain it that aren’t hurtful. For whatever it’s worth, we – and our daycare – does the same thing with hitting at this age. You’ll build empathy in the kid if you can get the other person/child to tell him how the words/action made them feel – rather than just punishing with the the WHY. So for the little girl – “Friend looks really sad. Friend, did it make you sad that Son would never got to the beach with you?” Then, to your kid, ” Son, would you like to be told that someone would never go to the beach with you? What would you like to do with Friend instead of the beach?”
Think of the long game with this age. I try not to let my embarrassment with the action override teaching him how not to do it in the moment (I feel like punishment here masks MY embarrassment by showing the other adults present that I won’t tolerate the behavior, which doesn’t really help them figure out what to do instead). Another proactive measure is to thank them for kindness when they show it, and tell them how it made me feel. I hurt myself, and my normally bruiser of a kid was really gentle with me, so I repeatedly thanked him for his kindness and told him how it made me feel so much better when he used gentle words and touches with me. We are *trying* not to praise them for kindness, but just tell them how it makes us feel, and encouraging them to tell us how they feel to hopefully internalize it when another kid tells them their words/actions hurt.
Anonymous says
So what I meant by “immediate time out” is that we don’t yell in people’s faces and to some degree, yelling is just not allowed. When he’s older, he’ll learn how to use the words, but right now the conduct is inappropriate. Wave or blow a kiss to say goodbye, walk away if you don’t want to play with someone. I would focus on the actions because I agree that a child may not understand the impact of the words they choose.
AnonMN says
My son exhibits this behavior and I really don’t think time out is the answer. Why? We just taught him to “use his words” rather than hitting/pushing/kicking. Now he’s FINALLY using them and it doesn’t seem right to punish him because they don’t fit into the box I want them too.
We use them as a learning experience. Loud/mean words hurt our friends, etc. and are slowly trying to teach empathy.
anon says
Do you know why he is saying these things – like is he angry or annoyed? Or is he even possibly trying to make a joke? (My 4.5 year old’s idea of funny and mine are not the same).
My son’s preschool reinforces social norms of the space to police this kind of hurt feelings stuff, like, “this is a kind school, so we don’t say things that hurt people’s feelings here.” At home: we are a kind family. It is fine to say good bye, but you need to think of a kinder way.
EB0220 says
My understanding, and experience, is that empathy doesn’t really start developing until around 4 – 4.5. I’m just starting to be able to talk with my 5 year old about how words can hurt peoples’ feelings, and she sometimes gets it. When my younger child (2.5) says stuff like this, I try not to make a big deal of it. Now – the personal space and yelling thing can be addressed separately from the feelings. I’d make a point now that we should respect others’ “personal bubble” (this was really big in the 4 year old class) and use our inside voice when talking with our friends. I think that will be much easier to understand for your child than hurting someone’s feelings.
RR says
3 year olds are evil.
Seriously though, I think you just consistently reinforce: that’s not how we use our words. Eventually, they grow out of the evil.
Anon says
Looking for advice/tips on how to shut off the constant work related thoughts or maybe just confirmation that I am not the only one who has this issue. I am on my third week of maternity leave with my second and instead of thinking about family or other fun things in my downtime (really in the shower/while baby is napping) my thoughts constantly drift to work (lawyer) and what’s happening with my workload while I am out of the office. Would love to shut this off and focus on the other aspects of my life since I am going completely cold turkey with work while out on maternity leave.
NewMomAnon says
I don’t know if this is an option for you, but I wasn’t able to go “cold turkey” with work for exactly the reasons you shared. I told all my colleagues that I would be checking e-mail twice a day, and set some time ranges (8 am-10 am and 2-4 pm, I think), and that they were welcome to ping me with any important questions during those times. During my entire 14 week maternity leave, I got 3 important questions. I found it reassuring. I also trust my colleagues’ judgment though, so I knew they would send me a question if they needed my thoughts.
anon says
I felt this way too. It never entirely went away but by week 5 or 6 the constant worry significantly eased up. I also was not able to go completely “cold turkey” but keeping email checks to once or twice a day really helped. My advice is just to give it time, and I think it will get easier.
rakma says
Do you have anything to think about that’s not work and not kids? (I’m sorry if that sounds snarky, it’s not meant that way, I just can’t think of a better wording)
My second maternity leave was so much better than my first, because I made weekly goals of things to do that weren’t ‘keeping a baby alive’ and ‘worrying about work’ They weren’t really big reaches (try a new recipe, attempt to organize a thing, read something that was not online, etc) but it kept me from feeling like a diaper changing milk machine. I did do some longer term work planning stuff, nothing that would be time sensitive, but jotting down a few things so I could hit the ground running when I got back.
Maddie Ross says
This. (a) It will get easier. Both times, I felt really involved in work stuff the first few weeks, and by the end, I was totally and blissfully unaware of what was going on. (b) I set a daily goal for myself once I got past the first 2-3 weeks with my second. Organizing something, buying something (go buy a baby book or a frame for the nursery), seeing someone. I found I could do one or two things a day and then I felt productive, which made it easier to turn “off” work and not check the email constantly. (Really, that’s the biggest thing – put down the phone if you can. That was the hardest for me. It was like my lifeline to the outside world. The more you can keep busy or see people, the less you’ll be pulled to check it.)
HSAL says
My “solution” to email on maternity leave was to turn off the notifications, but check it whenever I felt like it. As time went on I was checking it less frequently. It made me feel better to know what was going on, but I also didn’t worry about having to take care of things. I responded to short questions (if I felt like it), but otherwise didn’t try to do any “real” work.
And I really love rakma’s suggestion about things to do. I felt like I spent my maternity leave keeping my baby alive (a worthy) goal and watching a LOT of Netflix. Which was great, but I assume I’m going to have to be a slightly more productive member of society and family the second time around.
Pogo says
Following.
My concern is that if I don’t go cold turkey, I would be tempted into answering things and essentially doing unpaid work. But I can’t even turn work thoughts off on nights and weekends right now!
Bday gifts for 2 year old says
Looking for gift ideas for a 2 year old’s birthday. Preference is for gifts available on Amazon. TIA!
Anon says
Those of you with more than one child, did you notice the sleep deprivation was worse or harder to deal with when you went from one to two? I don’t handle being tired well. I get cranky and unpleasant and minor things that I could normally brush off set me off. I did pretty well when my son was an infant, but he has been sleeping through the night consistently for the past 7 months so I’m used to getting regular sleep now. I can handle a one-off wake up, but he has been sick the past 5 days and waking up 5-6 times a night, resulting in major sleep deprivation for everyone. I hit a wall Saturday morning after 3 nights of minimal sleep (I slammed a door and was snapping at my husband about dumb stuff). Luckily my son took a 3 hour nap, enabling both my husband and I to nap for a couple hours, and we were all able to enjoy the weekend after that. In the moment, though, I realized that if we had a second child we probably wouldn’t be able to just take a two-hour nap while the baby napped, and it would have shot our entire weekend (and probably most of this week). It is making me second guess having a second child. I’m not sure its worth me being a terrible mom for several years (tired me is not a good mom or wife).
Legally Brunette says
That sounds so tough. Can you and your husband switch off nights? That’s what we would do when our kids were very sick and always waking up. Sometimes it means me sleeping in the guest room so that I can just turn off the monitor and sleep, and my husband takes care of the kid that night. And then we switch the next day.
To answer your questiont though, I still really need my sleep and that hasn’t changed after 2 kids. We did sleep training around 9 months for both and are really really really consistent with naps, bedtime routines, etc. If your child has been sleeping consistently since 7 months that’s a huge win, and hopefully these last few rough days are just a blip. Good luck.
Anon says
What you described is why we waited until our first was older than 2 to try for another child. At 7 months – even with a consistent sleeper – I was still too “close” to the infant stage to be mentally ready to do it again. I actually found 6 to 9 months especially depleting for me (out of the newness of the infant stage, and sleep was still not consistent enough to really restore my sleep). I could not have even imagined a second child at the point you are at now. Also, I wanted a slightly older child who could better entertain themselves – so if baby was napping, the other kid could watch TV while I slept on the couch (or whatever).
It was still hard at first, and I was impatient with both kids more than I would have liked – especially when the second was 6 to 9 months. But I still felt FAR more ready after first kid was 2, and like the other poster, we are rock solid in bedtime and nap routines. I also had a friend who went on anti-depressants immediately after her second was born to help take the edge off her exhaustion manifesting itself in yelling at the kids. She didn’t even think about going off until her second was a year old.
But it’s hard. We want three, and that exhaustion over the first year or so and the impact it would have on my two older kids is what is holding us back at this point. So, lots of commiseration.
OP says
This is interesting. My one is now 13 months, and we were looking at waiting until he was 2 before considering a second. Well actually my husband is ready now, and I told him I would consider it when our son was 2 for my body/sanity, work, and financial reasons. This weekend had me thinking that a second one at any point was a bad idea, so that is helpful to hear that you found it somewhat manageable.
Anonymous says
They start sleeping better after 2 when they are done with teething. We waited until our oldest was 2 before we started trying, she was 3 when baby came and it was a great age – she was excited by not jealous and was able to wait for a few minutes while I attended to baby. We kept her in childcare full time – DH would drop off on his way in and I would pick her up early (after the afternoon nap). She needed the stimulation with other kids plus I could sleep when the baby slept because I didn’t have a toddler to entertain.
Anon says
Reading comp fail re age!, but yeah, I think it still applies. I felt like sleep was touch and go (and changed ALL the time for the first two years. I just felt like things were more stable after 2 – sure there are tantrums and fits, but they are little people – on the verge of being able to reason and understand. I don’t feel like I’m waiting out teething, like Anonymous above, or a regression or whatever. I know a lot of posters have struggled with the 2, 3, 4 ages, but I love this age – and really (shhh!) don’t love the baby phase. If I’m exhausted, my 4 year old will get in bed with me and watch an iPad. I can walk away from my two, and there are (fewer) injuries. Mentally and physically, I get so much stronger when they are older. I am hopeful it’s only going to get better — which is also me trying to talk myself into our third, as I love them as people. Really struggle with babies – and don’t want to regret not having the family I want when looking back and realizing how short (relatively) a timeframe it is.
Anon says
Thank you all for sharing! Mine is now 19 months, and I can’t even wrap my head around having a second one right now. I just took my first trip away from him, for work, for just 2 nights – and my husband handled it but there were lots of tears and searching the house for mama the first night. I think part of that is MY fault for being “nighttime default parent” and not having my husband switch off nights. I guess I never saw the point because I was BF. Mistake!
Maybe once I see how it is when he turns two, I’ll change my mind. OR I’ll end up one and done!
Walnut says
My first is 18 months and second is due in July. I also do not handle sleep deprivation well. Our plan of attack for the second will be the same as with the first – I will go to sleep around 7PM every night and DH will be responsible for bedtime routine for the oldest and satiating whatever need the second has. He’ll go to sleep around midnight, which guarantees me a solid five hours of sleep. If I can manage another three hours of sleep between midnight and 7AM, I’ll be pretty well good to go.
Anonymous says
We have three kids. DH and I make it work by taking turns getting up with the kids. We switch every night. We also trade off weekend mornings and trade off nap times responsibility. If it’s my night off, and a kid is up 5-6 times, I would probably decamp to the guest room with eye mask/ear plugs after the second wake up. So I sleep in on Saturdays and DH is ‘off’ duty for parenting when youngest naps in afternoon. DH sleeps in on Sundays and I’m off duty during nap time in the afternoon. Even when babies were tiny, DH would just bring me baby to nurse and then take over when I was done nursing.
Ann says
We have 2 kids ages 1 and 2 and we do the same schedule, but we each watch one every night. We just alternate them.
Spirograph says
This exactly. I like sleep. I need sleep. I don’t get nearly enough, but with trading off especially weekend wake ups and naps, it’s manageable.
Work travel? says
You are so wise to realize this about yourself now. It took me 2 kids and nearly ruining my marriage to figure out the same thing. I cried when I found out we were unexpectedly expecting #3 for fear of losing sleep and turning into a witch again and then losing my marriage. My first 2 are 24 months apart and both had sleep issues so I was a zombie and just awful person for about 3.5 years. BUT – after this last baby I prioritized sleep for me above everything else, and DH did too. So while I do middle of the night feedings (just never figured out an efficient way to share that), I sleep in every day and he takes care of everyone and everything until I get up. This gives me a solid 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep in the morning which is on top of what I’ve gotten during the night…and it is so restorative to wake up without an alarm. I also take naps when I need to, and DH makes sure everyone lets me rest. Basically everyone in my house (except the baby!) knows that mama needs her rest for everyone to be well!
I’m working part time now but have lots of flexibility about when and where, but have limited child care – and I’ll be honest, I spend much of that time sleeping instead of working (and then I catch up on work in the after). I’m ok w this scenario. I know that at some point baby and I will sleep through the night and in the meantime preserving my sanity is paramount. And having this perspective – I don’t regret my 3 perfect kids.
Back from Leave says
I’m sure many of you felt this way but I’m hoping you have some words of wisdom (as this site always does!). Today is my first day back from maternity leave and I already want to quit. What can I do to make things better? When will this pass? What is making this so hard is that I detest my firm and my job, and I sort of always knew I would feel this way once back. I just don’t see much point with a job I hate. I think it would be much easier if I liked my firm, but for a number of reasons, I can’t switch jobs for the foreseeable future. Help please!
Newbie Momma says
How did you feel when you were on leave? I try to remember how isolating it was to take care of a baby all day and remind myself I’m just not wired to live that life — so work it is (only because it’s apparently not socially or financially feasible to leave my kid for hours a day just to play around at the gym, because otherwise I’d totally do that). To make it immediately better — get yourself a fancy, hot beverage and relish in drinking it without interruption; get up and go to the bathroom whenever you want, and google those articles about how children of working moms benefit (who cares if they are true) ;-)
CHJ says
What are the reasons why you can’t switch jobs? I had a very hard transition back to the office after baby #1, and a large part of that was that I was unhappy with my job, so the long days / commute didn’t feel worthwhile. It took me about 18 months to find a different job, but now I really love my job and like being a working mom. What is it about your job situation that means you can’t look for a new one?
Back from Leave says
I just switched firms last April and I just don’t think I could move again without causing disruption to a lot of my clients and I honestly think I would lose some of them or some goodwill if I had to explain a move all over again.
Anonymous says
Same! After a year of looking, I found a great low key job, went there for two years, had another kid, and now I’m about to make another move — again leaning out a little farther (or maybe going sideways on the career jungle gym). Figure out your bottom line, and be creative in your job hunt.
In the meantime, it may help to keep in mind how much things change. As much as I would love to SAH (and I really would), when I had kid two, I was SO happy to be working. I think it would have been hard to be at home with a toddler and an infant with no regular childcare, and ended up feeling EXTREMELY thankful my older child still had daycare while I was on maternity leave. I could keep her out when we wanted to go out together, or take her in when we all needed a break. I think she did better with her regular routine than if she had been home with us full time (or only going to school a few hours a week). As my second daughter got a little older, I got that itchy drive to stay home again, and went looking for my next jump – knowing what type of job I wanted to have (lots of flexibility).
With the benefit of hindsight, I’m also glad I went back after my first, as hard as it was. I proved to myself I could do it. I probably would have talked myself out of looking at all if I didn’t go back. I feel like I’m in a good spot now to negotiate what I want, rather than if I had opted out completely for an extended period, which would make getting back into the workforce much harder.
Betty says
I was in your shoes after my first. I returned from a maternity leave where I unexpectedly adored the time away from work and with my son to a job that I utterly loathed (biglaw) and was unapologetically discriminated against for being a working mom. About the time that I went back, I started interviewing with other firms and made the decision to stick it out at my biglaw job for about 8-10 months and then return to a job that I adored.
Here is how I got through those months: First, can you make an exit plan? It doesn’t need to be concrete, but say that after X months you will start looking/interviewing or start doing some very small networking now. If you are counting down, put a sticky note under your blotter where you get to cross off every month that goes by. Basically, give yourself the knowledge that this is for a defined period of time. Second, seize whatever you can enjoy about working: As Newbie said, a hot cup of coffee while reading the NYT online. Can you exercise over lunch (even a 15 minute walk outside)? Listen to an audible book on the way into the office (Good Enough is the New Perfect is a great book for where you are). Pee alone! Third, know that it will get better. I can’t promise that it will ever be “easy,” but it will get better. My heart felt like it was breaking every day for the first two weeks, and then, slowly, it felt less and less like I was leaving my heart behind. Hang in there.
Back from Leave says
This is helpful. Thanks. Now if only I could stop crying in my office (and I’m normally not at all a crier!)…
Betty says
In my experience, crying your first day back is absolute par for the course. Even the stoic head of my biglaw office pulled me aside my first day back and told me she bawled the first time she left her child coming back from maternity leave.
lsw says
Hugs to you. I (mostly) like my job and it’s still really hard. If you are pumping, that is especially hard – hormones! Not nursing your child! Pumping is the worst! Be very, very patient, forgiving and kind to yourself right now. It’s so hard, there’s no way around it. But it gets better.
Rainbow Hair says
Boy did I cry the night before my first day back. And on the drive to work. And pumping… etc. etc. etc.
It does get easier. Sometimes it’s hard not to conflate two different things: wanting to be with your kid, and not wanting to be at work. You’ve made a considered decision to stay at this firm for the time being, so don’t let anxiety about that add to the stress of being away from baby… if you can.
anoninva says
Yeah, I’m back at work and my firm got rid of the nursing mother’s room while i was out. They offered me a windowless room for pumping. It stinks.
Anonymous says
That’s awful! Can you decorate it? Maybe bring in a favorite vacation location to hang on the wall? I have pictures of my favorite beaches hung in my windowless office to remind me of the world outside.
CHJ says
I was the only woman lawyer at my firm when I came back from maternity leave, and the pumping room was a windowless storage closet surrounded by about 5 partner offices (in a circle). I’m laughing now but it was SO AWFUL.
Boundaries, I need them! says
I’ve been feeling like a horrible mom, and to some extent, wife, lately. Work stress is bleeding into my home life, so I’ve been short-tempered with my toddler when getting ready for daycare and during the evening routine. Weekends are better, since there’s some mental distance from work, but the last two weeks have been awful.
Toddler is a toddler, and we’re in the middle of potty training and the big girl bed transition, so she’s also got a whole lot going on in her world.
Dinner routine is easy, as I usually have stuff pre-made that I know she’ll eat and I can heat up. She gets more screen time than I’m comfortable with, but she’s also beat at the end of the day. Husband doesn’t get home until right around bedtime, so it’s just me, but there’s only one kid!
It’s not even after 5pm emails that are driving this stress, just the pace of the day.
Anyone found a good fix for this? I should start by just putting my phone up on a shelf when we get home and having some sort of first 10 minutes home routine with her…
Anon says
Get thee a babysitter or mother’s helper! I’m the same – I’m just beat at the end of the day. Even having someone come and feed them while I do other things is helpful. We also have a babysitter come for a couple hours on the weekend during the day so we can go out and sit in coffee shop an dread or go to gym, etc. You need some down time!
anne-on says
I found the toddler stage difficult too – a few suggestions:
Can you afford a mother’s helper a few nights a week? Having someone for an hour or two during the mad dinner rush was so so helpful to allow me to prep for bedtime/the next day
Do as much as you can for your morning the evening before. Does your husband do bedtime? Can you switch off? Whoever is not doing bed should be in charge of prepping for the next day – pack lunches, set out clothing (for you and child) pack up car with daycare stuff, put anything that can go in the car in the car
Mentally block out your evening into blocks of activity:
When you get home unpack daycare bag/your things/put phone up on shelf and put out dinner
Before dinner play time/reading/cuddles
Eat dinner!
Clean up together, then read/cuddle/play for 10-15 minutes
Treat/cup of milk/whatever and start your wind down routine (short TV show, bath, whatever)
Hopefully then your husband is home and can take over!
Boundaries, I need them! says
Thanks! I admit, my initial reaction to a mother’s helper or baby sitter is ‘but it’s not special occasion!’ However, I think just having a bit of scheduled break one or two days a week would be a relief. We could afford it, and it would be nice to have another person my child is comfortable with.
My husband can sometimes do the pickup routine, and those days are generally less stressful for me, but the chaos is still there when I get home and they are usually way behind on the evening routine, because my H is better (worse?) about changing his clothes and getting comfortable while she plays before jumping into the evening routine.
Another thing is that even though I don’t regularly do drop-offs, I’ve some how ended up responsible for getting her fed and ready in the morning, which even though the process is streamlined, is energy draining. H and I are due for a discussion on distributing responsibilities because of this. But of course, just having that conversation is tiring!
Anonymous says
Just last week I started leaving my phone in my purse in the front hall. If it’s really crucial they will call and ask why I’m not answering messages. 99.99% of the time I don’t get anything that has to be answered with the hour but constantly checking at every ping was preventing me from full unplugging from the office. Toddler is much better behaved when I’m fully engaged and present, and I feel more relaxed. I was expecting it might help but I”m kind of surprised what a difference it made.
Momata says
This. I know not everyone has this luxury, but we keep our phones in our bags during that first zany hour home. I think it helps everyone decompress better if we just focus on the landing. Then I check my phone once the kids are fed and are happily playing. If I’ve missed anything, it has usually only been sitting there for about 20 minutes.
Anon says
I’m similar to you in that work stress can make me a worse version of myself. Some tips:
– Figure out something during your commute home that ends the workday for you. Listening to a specific playlist, singing along to show tunes, dictating your todo list for tomorrow, chatting with a friend, whatever. Have a goal that by the time you pull in the driveway, you are in home-mode.
– Resign yourself to the fact that 5pm-7:30pm (or whatever) are kid hours. You cannot get work done, you must focus on kid. Put your phone away. Come up with a schedule for those hours – mine is:
5:00-5:15 – physical activity together (so important after behaving all day in daycare)
5:15-5:45 – cartoons while I make dinner
5:45-6:15 – dinner and conversation (letting her babble)
6:15-6:30 – play while I clean up
6:30-7:00 – play together at whatever she picks
7:00-7:30 – bathtime and bedtime
– As soon as kid hours are done, take 15-30 min to do something mindless for yourself. Read an article, savor a glass of wine, watch a trashy show, whatever. This is your recovery time from the insanity of toddler kid hours.
– Take another 30 min to clean house or do something semi-productive.
– Then the rest of your evening is free for you. If you need to work more, do that. Or exercise or read a book or whatever.
I find that having the structure, and knowing that I can worry again about work by 8:30, takes a lot of the nightly stress off of me. Whatever it is, I’ll deal with it then. When I’m beat, I can use that half hour of playing before bath as a time to recharge. Sometimes I lay on the floor and she uses my back as a racetrack for her cars. Sometimes I set up an obstacle course of pillows and boxes, and “time” her as she runs around it.
Anon in NOVA says
^this. early bedtime is key. My almost-seven-year-old is down by 7:30. Largely because he needs the sleep (he doesn’t fucntion well without it), and largely because I just cannot deal past then. Having that end in sight makes it all a lot easier.
H says
This is a great schedule. And definitely take a few minutes to change clothes and get comfortable right when you get home. My LO tends to fuss at me when I do this (everyday) but I can’t really function at home in work clothes so it’s a must. Also, maybe take toddler out of the house for a bit before dinner? Leave your phone at home and go for a short walk together. This will give some you both bonding time and she might even tell you about her day.
Anon says
Yes, that “physical activity” in my schedule is usually outside. A short walk or riding bikes (while I walk next to the kids) or playing with balls or whatever. If it’s not nice outside, then we do “yoga” or jumping jacks or dance to Kids Bop or the Moana soundtrack. I find that mutual movement is so good at shaking the willies out and gets us both in a happy frame of mind that makes the rest of the night smooth. (Or smoother than without.)
Another term says
What is another term for “Snack Mom” that is more inclusive? “Snack Parent” won’t work as we are playing on a t-ball team where I am not certain of every family situation. My husband is the coach, so I think it’s on me to send out the snack schedule email.
Anonymous says
Snack Provider? Thanks for thinking outside the “Mom = Default Parent” box.
Maddie Ross says
Can you just default to the child as the “Snack Player” or something like that?
October says
Can you phrase it as though the kid is the one bringing the snack (vs the parent)? Or do you need a label at all? Maybe just “Snack duty:” and then the kid’s name?
As an aside (not aimed at you OP — rather at the general culture) I hate the fact that snacks are expected to be present at every single kid activity/function. No, a five year playing 30 min of soccer does not need orange slices at half time followed by a juice box and snack cake when the game is over…
avocado says
+1 on avoiding labels or making it sound as though the kid is bringing the snack.
And +1 on snacks are out of hand. So much needless hassle for all involved. I was so happy when my daughter’s Girl Scout troop gave up on snacks. Less work for parents, more time for badge work during meetings, and fewer spoiled dinners. Also less worry about food allergies and gluten-free diets.
For reference, my 10-year-old’s sports practices are 3 hours long and competitions frequently run 4 hours or longer, and there are never team snacks except on the rare occasion when somebody brings birthday cupcakes to practice (which they are not allowed to eat until after practice anyway because in this sport eating cupcakes during practice creates a risk of throwing up on Coach’s head). Each kid is responsible for her own snack.
PinkKeyboard says
This seems perfect. Each player is assigned snack duty. Or just email out and ask if all the parents would be okay with a snackless team? I also don’t get the siren song of the million snacks.
Anon in NOVA says
Ugh I hate the snack duty thing for little league. I know it’s how the leagues work and it’s not up to the coach (and kudos to you for looking for alternative language because i almost lost my mind when I saw that ours still says “snack mom”) but it’s annoying. If my kid can’t go two hours without eating, I’ll bring him snack. Can’t we all just be responsible for our own?
HSAL says
I think centering it around the kid makes sense and is the least clunky.
Also…can you make your husband send out the email?
avocado says
Yes! He’s the coach. He should send out the e-mail.
Another term says
Great ideas and absolutely, I’ll script the email, but he can certainly send it out.
EB0220 says
I think just putting the kid’s name is fine. That’s what our team did. And yes to having your husband send the email.
Anon says
Any suggestions for getting blue ink off a white leather couch? Our little basquiat went wild this morning and it is just giving my anxiety.
Anonymous says
Hairspray is probably best, the alcohol dissolves the fixative in the ink.
Also, DO NOT HAVE A WHITE LEATHER COUCH AND TODDLER AT THE SAME TIME.
GCA says
But it was part of our family before the toddler! It’s a family member.
RR says
Just give in. Consider couch to be a “beater” and embrace the crazy.
Momata says
I had to look up basquiat. I feel so uncultured. (Also, hairspray.)
Pogo says
Tips for getting in enough food during the day?
As I’ve mentioned, eating regularly has been SO helpful in cutting down my pregnancy migraines and general malaise I was feeling. I stepped up my game and now bring 4-5 substantial snacks in addition to my lunch.
However, even getting time to shove my lunch in my face has proven difficult. I think I’m in an extra busy time, or just getting pulled into more meetings lately or something.
I started trying to eat the most difficult/least appealing thing first – for me that’s my apple, because I have a hard time eating an apple and typing. So it’s really a forced break. Pretzels can be easily munched while working so I try not to go for those first, or I’ll end the day in a frenzy and my apple sitting around uneaten.
The other thing my husband suggested was eating away from my desk. That’s definitely not the culture at my office, but I could do it. Since I don’t have a door to close, even mentally giving myself a break does not guarantee someone will come by and bother me while I’m trying to eat.
Other suggestions? It would be fine normally to say “I’m eating lunch right now, can you come back in 15 min?” But unfortunately I need to eat almost every time I’m not in a meeting to get all my feedings in, so pretty much any time I’m “free” at my desk I’m trying to eat. Sigh.
(written while downing trail mix as fast as possible)
Anonymous says
Do you go make coffee or tea for yourself or refill water? I set an alarm on my phone to go every two hours. I get up and refill coffee/water/tea and eat a snack (almonds/apple/yoghurt/spoonful of peanut butter) while the kettle boils. Takes like 5 minutes. I found that not sitting for extended periods was also important so I took like a 1 minute walk up and back the hall before going to break room to grab water/coffee.
Pogo says
This is a good tip – along the lines of what my husband said about not eating at my desk. I do need to refill my water pretty frequently, so I could bring my snack to the kitchen and have it then.
HSAL says
What if you drank some of your snacks instead? This wasn’t an issue for me while I was pregnant, but during maternity leave I struggled to get enough calories and so I started drinking Boost or Ensure shakes – they were meal additions, not replacements, and I appreciated that they had vitamins I was probably lacking. Something like that or even a premade smoothie would be easier to take along to a meeting. Or just take your snacks and say “I’m pregnant, step off.”
Anonymous says
Ensure saved me in third trimester when I was hungry all the time but also felt full after three bites. It’s shelf stable, so I’d stash a couple six packs under your desk. The chocolate was by far the best.
On that note — a thermos full of broth based soup might be good too.
Anon in NYC says
I’m not quite sure if you want to take more or fewer breaks. I think if you’re trying to prevent people from interrupting you so that you have time to eat, this is an area where you just play the pregnancy card and say something to the effect of, “I am happy to meet with you but I need to eat this apple while we meet to prevent a migraine/nausea.” This might be a know-your-office thing, and I wouldn’t have done it with the managing partner of my biglaw firm, but most people will be understanding of that.
In terms of speeding up the process of eating, I try to do things to prep my food before work like: cutting that apple into slices so I don’t need to focus on eating my apple, I can just shovel it into my face. Or, pre-peeling an orange so that I can easily grab pieces and eat them. Or start bringing things like string cheese to the office that are mess-free and can be eaten really quickly while you’re in and out of meetings.
Pogo says
These are good tips too – and I must confess I haven’t really pulled the “I’m pregnant leave me alone” card, but it’s pretty clear some of these people don’t care that I’m trying to eat. Everything thinks their issue is the most important thing, ever, and cannot be handled over an email or scheduled at a later time. But that’s not true and I should enforce boundaries.
rakma says
I am a champion smacker at this point.
Cut the apple in slices–there’s a thing you can do with a rubber band to keep it from browning (http://www.thekitchn.com/the-rubber-band-trick-how-to-keep-a-cut-apple-fresh-in-your-lunchbox-165267) Or bring a plate in so you can put the apple down between bites.
Could you try a smoothie or other drinkable snack? No one has to know it’s not coffee in your coffee mug.
Can you eat some things in the meetings? String cheese is high on my list for low odor, no mess, not loud. Grapes would probably also work in this case. I got really unapologetic about eating in meetings towards the end of both pregnancies. I needed food to remain a healthy, productive worker. If I got scheduled in back to back meetings, my snacks came with me.
rakma says
Man, that first sentence took a weird turn with that typo. Snacker, not smacker.
Though some days, it’d be great if I could be a champion smacker around here.
H says
Hmmm, that rubberband thing looks interesting. Going to try it this week!
avocado says
I am not pregnant but am an all-day eater. People come by and bug me while I am trying to eat all day long. With closer colleagues, I will often just keep eating while talking with the visitor. Cutting things like apples into easy-to-eat slices and keeping a napkin handy is helpful. Cheese sticks and packets of nuts or trail mix are quick, neat nibbles that can be consumed inoffensively in front of other people. Liquid sustenance also works well. Those little bottles of yogurt drink are great, although they have a lot of sugar. You can also bring in a smoothie in an insulated cup and sip it for the first hour or so of the day.
I have also been known to eat while standing in the coffee room and to hide in the bathroom to scarf down a packet of trail mix during a super long day of meetings.
avocado says
Adding: Immediately before posting this, I was eating a slice of pizza with one hand while editing a spreadsheet with the other hand and talking to a coworker at the same time. Just own it. They are walking into your space, they can deal with your food.
Pogo says
Totally – I was just having a tough time physically getting all the food in between talking/typing. But the suggestions above about prepping food and drinking my calories will help with that!
Thanks everyone for the suggestions! I know this is just the beginning, that when I’m pumping not only will I have to take time to go pump I’ll still need to be keeping up a steady supply of nutrients, so it’s good I learn some tricks.
CHJ says
You might not have time, but a latte (or chai latte if you’re avoiding coffee) can be a decent snack during a meeting. The milk has a good amount of protein to tide you over, and no one thinks twice about someone drinking a coffee/tea during a meeting. You can also somewhat replicate it with a Keurig machine if you put a good amount of milk in the cup first and then steam the pod.
Worried says
So my husband had a colonoscopy Fri and he has a tumor in his rectum. It’s been biopsied and we’re waiting for the results. I am trying to keep it together. I was ok over the weekend while we are all together as a family, and even this morning at work was not bad but I am really starting to struggle. I don’t know whether to hope for the best or mentally prepare myself for the worst. I’m staying away from Dr Google, but any advice for coping?
Anonymous says
I think you both prepare for the worst but continue to hope for the best. For hope, my mom had a tumor removed 5 years ago, she required no further treatment because it had not spread and has been cancer free ever since.
I would prepare for the worst by looking up specialists in your area, ensure anything ‘extra’ gets taken care of now (car insurance renewal, filing a dental insurance receipt, paying for kids swimming lessons, ordering a gift for your respective mothers for mother’s day). The busy work will serve both the purpose of keeping you distracted as well as in case it is a worse case scenario, these minor things that you won’t want to deal with, will already be off your plate.
Betty says
Do you need to keep it together right now or can you let yourself do a bit of grieving/feeling? That is not meant to be judgmental in the least, but advice will differ based on where you are right now.
If you need to keep it together (i.e. get some stuff done or not lose it right now): Make a very detailed to do list. Down to Step 1: Open document. Step 2: Put date in draft line. Make a list for what has to get done today, and that’s it. Put on some peppy music (productive morning station on Spotify). Drink lots of water. Tell yourself that you will deal with your feelings after work. This is the advice that was given to me while I was waiting for my son’s test results last fall, and it worked. Then see the below paragraph.
If you can take a few: Go out to your car or take a walk and let it out. Cry or yell or whatever feels right. Its ok to cry right now. Waiting is hard, scary and stressful. Be gentle with yourself, and know that no one expects you to keep it together right now or be on your best game. Really. Pick up take out for dinner. Carry visine for when the tears come. If you have a boss that you feel ok telling, send an email with what is going on.
Huge big internet hugs. I will be thinking about you and your family and sending positive vibes your way.