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Anon says
Remind me I don’t need to feel guilty about spending $40 on each kid’s Halloween costume. I live in a heavy dual-working-parent area, but it seems like so many of the costumes are homemade or thrifted or creative in some way. I used to be crafty when I was 25 and had a ton of time to myself, but I just don’t have it in me to do that with two elementary schoolers.
I ordered their favorite character costumes from Spirit and called it a day. But last night my daughter informed me that her one best friend’s mom is sewing her a custom mermaid outfit, and her other best friend is helping create some elaborate glittery unicorn outfit. Now I feel guilty that hers will clearly be bought from a strip mall and I’ve put zero thought into it. This is ridiculous right?
Anonymous says
My stay at home mom always made our costumes and I always wanted a store bought one. The paper mache ET head looked like a giant turd.
Anon says
+1 I was always a little embarrassed about my mom’s homemade costumes. She’s a wonderful person but she isn’t as artistically talented as she thought she was, and I felt like a poor kid because I didn’t have a store bought costume.
Anon says
+1 My mom always made our costumes and I always wanted a store bought one. In retrospect, I don’t know why because her costumes were always way better than the store bought ones because she was very talented at sewing, but I think the cool kids always made fun of the homemade costumes.
Anon says
Also I just bought my toddler a $35 Elsa costume (on the theory it could also be used for play dress-up). I wasn’t going to dress her up at all until I found out the preschool encourages costumes for the halloween party.
Katy says
Haha…. me too. (though actually i don’t remember anyone making fun of me because my costumes were objectively sweet every year)…. and because my mom made them they are STILL in the dress up box 30 years later for the grandkids
Anonymous says
+1000 my mom made ours and I hated it.
I’ve found a compromise which is to help my kids participate as they get older. But we *augment* (sometimes) store bought costumes. I do not argue with anyone that wants to be something I can buy at target for $20 but I am also happy to help make something a little more fun. My kid last year wanted to be a watermelon. There was no debate. So, we made a watermelon costume and she loved it. But it was our fun weekend project for October. No way was I taking that on in my free time unless it was also a kid project!
My other kids were super girl and Wonder Woman form target. The year before one kid wanted to be Santa. I once found two super cute dragon costumes at tjmaxx and my girls wore their ballet stuff + dragon costumes and were dragon ballerinas. Their idea not mine.
I am a hard no on family costumes unless we have a specific party in which case we try and do something easy and silly like dress up the kids as the golden girls.
anon says
Family costumes are definitely a thing my ‘hood and I just can’t get into it. Like, it’s hard enough to get my kids dressed up, and now I have to dress up, too? Nah. I am admittedly not a huge costume person, though.
AwayEmily says
re: family costumes — No way am I doing adult costumes but my 3.5yo INSISTED that she and her 18mo brother both be tigers (“I’m the big kid tiger and he’s the baby tiger”), which was so adorable that I couldn’t say no.
Anonymous says
You should be proud that you got a good deal on costumes. I ended up payinig like $80 for my daughter’s this year because she was being picky about what she wanted to be and I didn’t have the energy to argue. I’ve done the making costumes from scratch thing (one cookie monster tutu and two cookies, and a bob the builder). It’s way way overrated. Plus, just because you went store-bought this year, doesn’t mean you can’t make something in a future year if inspiration strikes. It’s one year out of like 10+, it’s all good.
Anon says
LOL. So far it’s been 8 years out of 8. This is the first year I’ve gotten feedback that they would rather have custom “special” ones so I’m feeling guilty. But good perspective that those kids might be wishing they had a store-bought one!
RR says
Same. My daughter wants an $80 Luna Lovegood costume from Chasing Fireflies, and I strongly feel that just buying it is better than the time and energy I’ll spend searching for a cheaper version.
Piper Dreamer says
I bought the costume off etsy for (gasp) $80 for our 2-year-old. Even if I wanted to go homemade, I am way too clumsy to make one as gorgeous as the one we bought. I think of it as division of labor on a larger scale. Like, a baker who likes to bake and bakes well opens a bakery. I want to support his/her dream and eat delicious bakes by buying stuff there. I am good at being a lawyer so I am a lawyer. That is how a functional society should work, making sure everyone is doing what they are good at and what they like so we can all capitalize on each other’s strengths.
Also, hate to say it but if a dad buys his kids costume online, he will get praised for even remembering to do it ahead of time to make sure the costumes arrive in time!
Anon says
I really need to hold myself to Dad standards more often. Messy ponytail and backpack in hand = win for the day.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Your first paragraph is how I feel about outsourcing. I am good at lawyering and that’s what I spend most of my weekdays doing. I don’t have time to do chores and childcare during those hours and don’t want to waste the weekend doing this so we hire others who are better at this to help us.
Also, my parents are not crafty and not DIYs and it really truly doesn’t matter. Your parenting is not defined by how crafty you are (maybe crafty in the sense of creative strategies for dealing with 3 year old demands, but that’s another topic…).
shortperson says
agreed. etsy is a godsend for enabling this.
avocado says
Just from a budgetary perspective, I have made several costumes and every one has cost much more than $40. The ones I’ve bought or pulled out of the dress-up bin have been the least expensive.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, agreed that homemade can be expensive. I posted yesterday that I got a tiger PJ set from Carters for $12. alternatively, the DIY tiger costume from Primary that would have cost me like $50.
Next year I’m going to try and follow the advice that someone gave yesterday and try to buy a used costume from somewhere — maybe instead of asking my kid what she wants I’ll take her to the consignment store and let her pick form the options.
anon says
I totally agree. Anytime I’ve been all jazzed up about creating a Halloween costume (it’s a fleeting feeling, trust me), I start adding up the cost of materials and suddenly Spirit Halloween looks awfully good.
OP, I get you. My sisters are super crafty and talented and make awesome homemade costumes every year. So do several of my friends. Sometimes I fret about not inheriting the crafty woman gene, but you know what? It.does.not.matter. My kids are having just as much fun on Halloween, and buying something makes me less stressed than making something.
GCA says
+1 – time isn’t free, either! Consider how much you bill per hour. Suddenly that hand-sewn unicorn costume looks a lot more expensive.
avocado says
Ha! In that case my daughter’s homemade costumes each cost me at least $1,000.
SC says
Don’t feel guilty. I offered to buy my kid a costume, but he wants to wear his costume from last Halloween. He was a ghost (his request–this time last year, his favorite game was pretending to be a ghost under a white knit blanket we have). The costume is literally just a pair of black and white striped leggings and a hoodie with a ghost face on it. He’s been wearing it to bed 3-4 nights a week for the past few weeks, and so far he can’t be talked into a different costume. I suppose I should just take it as a win.
Anonanonanon says
FWIW, I turned overpaying for Spirit costumes into a “tradition” with my son. He a few months before, we start guessing which empty stores are going to be turned into the Spirit locations this year, and he eagerly awaits their opening. He likes to go in and see all of the crazy decorations and animatronics they have out and take his time browsing the costumes. He usually has an idea of what he wants to be the NEXT year already, and spends all year debating it, and gets so excited when he goes in and they have the costume he’s been wanting all year (so far it hasn’t failed us). Traditions are what kids remember and what makes holidays special, you don’t have to slave over the sewing machine until midnight after they’re in bed if it doesn’t bring you joy.
Redux says
Ugh, pinterest has ruined everything.
(no hate on my pinterest mamas, just really bummed that the standards are set in this way, and make really good mamas feel like bad ones)
OP– not sure how old your kid is, but if she wants to craft something I would encourage/help her in that (e.g., hot glue some rhinestones or add a headband or something that SHE can do). But if she’s just comparing, I would try to nip that impulse in the bud. Thief of joy and all that.
IHeartBacon says
Don’t feel guilty for a second.
I spent about $300 to make our family group costumes last year from scratch. Start to finish, they took me a few weeks to make. Too much time? Yes. Too much money? Yes. Worth it to me? 1,000,000 x yes! It’s all relative.
IHeartBacon says
Should’ve also added to clarify the “it’s all relative comment”: Halloween is my absolute most favorite holiday and my LO and husband couldn’t care less about it. Celebrating birthdays on the other hand? They’re lucky if they get a store bought cake and card from me.
Nan says
I’m “making” costumes this year and it’s actually ended up costing way more than if I’d just bought them.
Haha nope says
Last year my daughter wore black pants, a black tee shirt, and orange tutu that someone else gave her, and an orange bow in her hair. Not even a costume.
And you know what? She won best homemade costume at the neighborhood party because she was adorable.
If I get a store bought costume this year it will be a step up. No guilt here!
Emily S. says
My mom was a school teacher and handy with a sewing machine and made all of our Halloween costumes until middle school — and I still have them! Which reminds me, I should go shopping in our own house for costumes. But I’m not my mom, so store bought for my kids. Little Sister wants to be baby shark, so in theory, I could have fashioned something from Primary, but, instead, I ordered from Target. Like, didn’t even take her to the store to check out the costumes. I know you know this in your head, but try to take it to heart, too: they might grumble about not having a special handmade costume from now until October 31, but as of November 1, they will (hopefully!) move on.
Pogo says
Yeah I was crafty and all into Halloween in college and my early 20s. Not anymore, no time for that.
We use hand-me-down costumes exclusively. Luckily big cousins have deep dress-up drawers that correspond to all of kiddo’s passions. If I didn’t have that, I would probably just buy something.
Anonymous says
My SAHM made our costumes, and I looooved it. We would go browse McCalls catalogs at JoAnn fabrics in September, and pick out fabric, and it was awesome. I still struggle with getting my kids store-bought Halloween costumes, even though my mom reminds me that obviously she couldn’t have sewed costumes for us if she’d worked full time.
You don’t need to feel bad. Different families make different choices. Homemade mermaids and unicorns are not inherently better than what you bought from the store, and you get to do something else with all the hours you saved!
Anonymous says
I have asked my mom, a very skilled sewist, to make costumes as birthday and holiday gifts.
Anonymous says
My kid likes to go to a thrift store and assemble random pieces so he will be a firefighter wearing a pirate hat with a light saber but it could change. This in no way is cheaper necessarily than the other options though it’s great for the environment.
anon says
i know this was discussed yesterday, but it really is so hard leaving a crying child and just such an unpleasant way to start the day. one of my 15 month old twins has been getting very upset over the past week or so every morning when she hears our nanny’s key in the door. she climbs into my lap and holds on tonight. she used to have a HUGE smile on her face every morning when she heard the nanny’s key. this morning i waited until she climbed out of my lap to grab a toy to tell her that mommy was going to get dressed and would be back later and she started bawling. She is a baby who rarely cries (her twin on the other hand…) and so it just feels so bad. I know she is fine and ends up having fun. And i am really hoping this is just a phase. i shouldn’t be concerned that something happened with the nanny, should I? we’ve had our nanny for about a year and have generally been very happy with her and some of my friends have run into her when she is out and about with our twins and say she looks engaged, etc.
Anon says
I wouldn’t be concerned that your nanny is doing anything wrong, no. That said, I think some kids are happier in a daycare/preschool-type environment than with a nanny. My daughter cried and/or clung to me every day when we had a nanny until we figured out a specific routine (I would get all ready and sit her down to play with a toy, nanny would unpack her stuff and join us, then I could say goodbye and get up and go, but I had to immediately exit the house, no dilly-dallying or getting ready myself). If we ever deviated from that routine, there were hysterics. She would always run into my arms at the end of the day and refuse to let me put her down until the nanny had left the house. She was clearly terrified that I would leave and she’d have to go back to the nanny. When we put her in daycare, she cried when we left on the first day but immediately stopped crying when a teacher hugged her, on the second day she ran in excited to see her buddies and all her new toys and by the third or fourth day she didn’t want to leave with us at pickup. It might not apply so much since you have twins, but I think having other kids around to distract them can make the drop-offs a lot easier.
Anon. says
This does ‘solve the problem’ but sometimes it helps me to think about why it’s hard. It should be hard to leave a sobbing child – from an evolutionary perspective. Your brain is wired to want to make the crying stop, hormones and all that. It doesn’t make you a bad mom to leave, it’s a sign that you’re a good mom because it’s hard.
And yes, it is definitely a phase. I agree that you should not worry about it being something the nanny did.
Anon. says
Ugh. Does *not* solve the problem.
Emily S. says
I’ve been second guessing my childcare, too, since my 2 year old has just started crying at drop off at the same place she’s been since she was 12 weeks. She just transitioned to a new room, and it makes me wonder, what don’t I know?! But I think it is just the transition. It’s incredibly hard to wait it out, especially if it lasts more than a few days (and mine is apparently on a hunger strike, which gives me another thing to worry about). So, no advice, just commiseration.
Pogo says
I think that was a tough phase for us, age-wise. At 2yo mine still cries at drop-off or if I leave him sometimes. As they get more into toddlerhood they have more feelings and opinions and nothing you do is right anyway.
I do like to check in and make sure all is well after I left if there was severe sobbing (like the other morning, when I had to leave before he even woke up, and heard my husband go in to wake him up and it was just MOMMMMMMY). For husband, I offer suggestions about what I would have done in the situation (like offering to read his favorite book). Could you do the same for nanny? “sometimes when she’s like this I give her the turtle toy that lights up and it seems to help” etc
Annie says
Any soap dispensers a toddler can use by themselves? Our toddler just cannot push down ours (random one purchased from target) and so we have to do it for her. Would love to eliminate that need for help.
Anonymous says
Bar soap may be an option- those small ones from hotels would create less mess.
Have you tried the foam style soaps? I think those are easy to push down
RR says
We had a counter automatic dispenser–I can’t remember the brand, but I think they are fairly ubiquitous online and at Target. It was great for the season of our life that we needed it.
anon says
It’s not the prettiest option, but the foaming soap from B&B Works comes in a pump container that was very easy for my toddlers and preschoolers to use. You can always buy refill soap from Target, Amazon or wherever.
drpepperesq says
we have an automatic one that needs batteries. you put your hand in front of the sensor and the soap comes out. 2 year old can operate it himself, but two downsides: 1- it’s ugly and 2- he likes it too much and i have to stop him sometimes from continuing to wave his hand it front of it and getting more and more soap.
Anonymous says
Bar soap?
Our preschool used the basic softsoap/dial pumps with success.
Annie says
Toddler refuses bar soap since she knows fun liquid soap is an option.
rosie says
Another vote for the automatic soap dispenser! We have that in the kitchen and bar soap everywhere else. Although we got it to make it easier to wash our toddler’s hands, I think the automatic one is more hygienic for kitchen grossness in general.
SG says
If she’s in daycare, check out what type they use, assuming she is washing her own hands there without help. Ours uses softsoap and it works, I think the pump piece is a fat enough for her.
BabyBoom says
I’m pretty sure I got this idea from someone here – but I use a foaming soap dispenser I got online from the ‘zon. They are lightweight plastic with a pretty big pump mechanism that my kids have never had problems with. The best part is I fill it up with 1/3 Dr Bronners castille soap, 2/3rds water. A bottle of Dr. Bronners lasts us about 4-5 months (and that is filling up 4 soap dispensers). Previously it felt like we were constantly buying hand soap.
CCLA says
We use an automatic foaming one. The foaming part makes it much easier for kiddo to get the soap all over her hands, and the automatic part means no difficulty working the pump. The simplehuman one we have works well and is rechargeable rather than needing batteries.
Jeffiner says
Piggybacking on the Halloween costume question – my four year old wants to make her own costume. She has colored a unicorn horn and mane on pieces of typing paper, cut them out, and taped them to a headband. Its adorable, and I am so extremely proud of her, but I worry that when Halloween comes and all the other kids in class show up in store-bought/adult-made costumes that she’ll wish she had one like that. Any advice?
Anonanonanon says
Other people will probably tell you to just let her go out in it, but I FREQUENTLY pulled stuff like that as a kid and was always disappointed when I realized it was not as great as I thought it was. You know your kid best, so I’m going to assume that your instinct she’ll end up disappointed is right.
My brother was DYING to be pagasus from the disney hercules movie one year and my mom had to make it. She made a mane and tail from blue yarn and put them on a white hooded sweatsuit (I don’t remember how she did the wings). What if you told her her idea was so great and you would LOVE to work on the costume together, and then took her to the craft store and let her spend all the time she wants choosing the PERFECT rainbow yarn for a unicorn mane/tail, and she helped (or “helped”) you cut it for the costume? Then she still has control on the creative process and got to do some of the work, but might end up with a more finished product.
Anonymous says
Um, add a tutu and sparkly tights and call it done! Mayyybe look at internet inspiration for pictures of how to glam it up. If I opened that box with my artistically inclined 6 y/o I’d be dropping $50 in the craft store in no time.
Or, encourage her to wear it around and road-test it. See how it looks in a few weeks. Perhaps that’s the model and you make a sturdier one together for Halloween and this is her dress up unicorn horn?
Redux says
This is insanely cute. FWIW, my kiddo was not super into comparisons at that age. On superhero day at daycare for example, she showed up in regular clothes (because whoops) when other kids we wearing licensed costumes with muscly body suits and long capes and freaking utility belts. My kiddo made a mask at the craft table and zoomed around like a superhero anyway. She was very happy to excitedly tell me about those costumes without any apparent feeling of being left out. That has since changed, but at 4 I don’t think she really knew to feel disappointed. (How *I* felt about it, on the other hand…)
Anonymous says
I would put her in a tutu, white sparkle leggings or tights, white shirt with unicorn on it and let her wear the headband she made. You can easily pick up a unicorn hat or headband at Claires for her to swap out if she isn’t happy with her homemade one.
Anonymous says
Pick up this to go with the headband she made – https://www.claires.com/us/claires-club-unicorn-dress-up-set—3-pack-228964.html?cgid=unicorns#prefn1=5&prefn2=ageFilter&prefv1=Fashion&prefv2=3-6+years&start=1
Anon says
That is so so cute!!!
CPA Lady says
Comparison is the thief of joy. And kids (and adults) always want what they don’t have. That said, if you want something to compare yourself against so that you can feel better about yourself, I am happy to be of service: I bought my child’s costume from Bargain Hunt this year. For $5. It looks like it cost that much too. (Bargain Hunt is like a regional Big Lots). I’m sure your costumes are going to look amazing in comparison.
And I’m going to push back on the part where you said you put “zero thought” into your kids costumes– you know their favorite characters, you found costumes for those characters well ahead of time and made sure you ordered them before they were sold out in your kids sizes, which you also know. You also earned the money to be able to buy these costumes. Just because you bought something doesn’t mean you didn’t put thought into it.
Anonymous says
+1 to your second paragraph. You ordered a Hallloween costume 6 weeks out. You’re 4-5 weeks ahead of where I’ll be.
Anonanonanon says
Love your second paragraph! This is what I’ve been reminding myself of lately, and you said it so well!
Pogo says
I love that second paragraph.
Family costume sufferer says
Ugh, I think we are going family costume this year. My four year old gave us each contributing roles (all 5 of us) and it was so carefully thought out… but DH def going to protest and I am not dying to dress up myself!
GCA says
Ha, I’m that person press-ganging my children into family costumes. Sometimes they are extremely lazy family costumes – one year we were Cape Cod (I wore a blue dress, the baby wore a shark bathrobe, and I carried a couple of horseshoe crab stuffed toys). DH has also gotten into it, and if time and money were no object I think we would do more family cosplay at anime and game conventions. They’re more for my own amusement and an exercise of our creativity than anything else; on other things (ahem birthday decorations, favors, teacher gifts, other holiday decor) I am decidedly *not* a Pinterest mom.
OP says
I totally support others in family costumes! I bet you guys will look awesome! :)
I also wonder if people will think I’m driving the (goofy) group costume, but that’s my own insecurity. I love that my four yo thinks of us as a unit.
Anon says
one day your kid won’t want to be caught dead with a parent in a costume, so i say just go for it! i’m curious – what is it that your 4 year old has dreamed up?
OP says
This is going to out me but that’s okay. She’s Elsa, baby sister Anna (awww), little brother Olaf, dad Kristoff and mom is Sven. She told my parents and sister they were welcome to be trolls if they wished…
Clementine says
I. Love this. I am hoping to have a Peter Pan and Tinkerbell this year…
OP says
If anyone is still reading and wondering about coordinating, she was Red Riding Hood to her brother’s Big Bad Wolf last year (which they both LOVED).
Emily S. says
Clementine, I thought I was going to have a Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, this year! Big Sister wanted to be Tinkerbell and make Little Sister be Peter Pan. I started scheming, and then she came home and said she wanted to be Elsa. Sigh. I hope this happens for you!
Anonymous says
This is a hard nope from me, but you do you. I know lots of families do costumes, but I am solidly a halloween is for the kids and I hand out candy in my lounge wear family.
NYCer says
Ha, 100% me too!
Night help? says
Anyone hire nighttime care for a newborn?
Baby #2 comes next month and I’ve decided to TREAT YO SELF and hire someone to come by two or three times a weeks for the first few weeks. I have no idea how this works, except that I want it!
There is a local reputable company I plan to call, but beyond that I’m clueless.
Anon says
You go, girl!
rosie says
Great idea! We had a post partum doula 1-2 nights/week for a bit. When we trusted & liked the person, it was great (we ended up finding one doula through the group we hired that we really liked and would basically pick the days we wanted based on her availability). Hours were typically 10 p.m. – 6/7 a.m. or so. In addition to baby care, she did baby laundry, washed bottles/pump parts (I was EPing), refilled my water and brought snacks during the night if needed.
Pogo says
+1, look into post partum doulas in your area. Even if they don’t do night time they may know someone who does.
anon says
i did and it was wonderful! most of my friends in nyc have had a baby nurse for 24 hours for the first two weeks. even if you are breastfeeding it can still be helpful. i had twins, but our nurse also washed bottles, pump parts, did baby laundry, etc. i highly recommend to anyone who can make room for it in their budget
NYCer says
We had a night nurse for…longer than I care to admit in public (ha ha). Yes, it was expensive, but she was amazing and worth every penny. We hired her through an agency, but lots of people get personal recommendations from friends, facebook moms groups, etc. That being said, I get the impression that it is much easier to find night/baby nurses in NYC than in other parts of the country, so I am not sure exactly where you should look if you are not in NYC.
NYCer says
And because someone mentioned it in another post, I realize our night “nurse” was not actually a nurse. Like most nannies/babysitters/etc, she has been doing this for years, but does not have formal medical training. Night/baby nurse is just the short hand way all of my friends refer to this type of care.
Night help? says
Thank you for the responses! I definitely did not know the term “postpartum doula.”
I will call the service and ask for recs from friends who are connected to the midwife/doula circuit.
rosie says
From what I understand, unless the person is actually a nurse (RN/LPN), “night nurse” isn’t really a thing and may indicate that the person doesn’t have professional training. In addition to postpartum doula, also look for a newborn care specialist. We had no problem finding someone in my area (DC), and we actually were able to find someone last minute in the broader Seattle area when we were on a very difficult trip with our young infant. So hopefully you can find some good options in your area. Ours was recommended by our birth doula group.
CCLA says
We did! Only regret is not hiring sooner. We hired when first baby was about a month, and had a lovely newborn care specialist (as someone notes above, they are not actually nurses, but NCS is a designation that requires training). She came ~3 nights a week until baby was about 3 months old, by which time baby was sleeping through the night so we no longer needed her. We formula fed, which I’ve heard can make a difference in how beneficial it is (we were able to close the door and sleep for 10 hours). If I had all the money in the world I’d have hired someone for 7 nights a week, but 3 nights a week was a nice balance and allowed us to catch up on sleep in between visits. We used a local recommended agency. We’re in LA and there were many options.
Redux says
Any boss moms out there have suggestions on books to read to develop management skills? I am hopefully transitioning to role where I will directly and indirectly manage several dozen people, which I have never done before (most I’ve managed is a team of three, and it’s been several years). I’d like to read a bit more about successful management styles and ways to develop my skills and identity as a manager.
CHL says
Love it when my HR Geekiness comes in handy — like the Coaching Habit, Act Like a Leader Think Like a Leader, Radical Candor and Crucial Conversations.
anon says
Harvard Business Review has a whole series of books devoted to management topics, including new managers. They are short and to the point, which I appreciate.
Anon. says
I’ll second this recommendation. The series is called HBR 10 Must Reads – I usually find them at Hudson News in the airport and get sucked in. “Managing Yourself” and “Emotional Intelligence” are both useful for managers.
Anonanonanon says
the ask a manager website is the absolutely best. Also recommend the podcast episodes she did on the tone you should use as a manager.
Anonymous says
Allison Greene (of Ask A Manager) also has a book on nonprofit management that is great if that is relevant to your situation
EB0220 says
I was just thinking about this! Extreme Ownership is my favorite. I took the Crucial Conversations course at work and it was really good. I would also recommend making friends with HR as HR issues can be a huge part of being a manager (compensation, leave, performance, etc etc etc).
EB0220 says
I also like Simon Sinek’s Start with Why.
CHL says
Love it when my HR Geekiness comes in handy — like the Coaching Habit, Act Like a Leader Think Like a Leader, Radical Candor and Crucial Conversations.
Anonymous says
Ladies, please help convince me to not throw in the towel on being a working mom. I know I would likely be a terrible stay at home mom and there are obvious financial downsides and risks to quitting, but I am just so tired of the chaos of running around trying to get two adults and two kids ready in the morning, racing to work, sucking at work, racing home, trying to get the kids through dinner and bedtime without any meltdowns, then trying to make the house less disgusting or manage bills, etc. before going to bed too late. I feel like outsourcing doesn’t help because things so rarely get done right and you spend so much time finding someone who’s decent and managing them and then fixing their mistakes that it doesn’t really save any mental energy at the end of the day instead of doing it myself. Help.
AwayEmily says
Is there any way that you can work from home a day every other week, or use your days off strategically to catch up? My husband and I alternate taking mornings off (9-12) every other week (we work late to make it up), and it is game-changing. I save a lot of the annoying/time-consuming home tasks (cleaning out kid clothes, etc) for then.
Another idea: actively minimize evening stressors for yourself and your kids. When it’s nice out, we often take them right to a playground after school, bring a some PBJs and oranges, and stay there until almost bedtime. This is not for their benefit, it is for ours — we don’t have to entertain them, the house stays fairly clean, and we don’t have to cook for them. I’m not saying this in particular will work for you, but maybe there are other things that would (after-school Skyzone, after-school library trip, etc).
Anon says
How old are your kids? How many hours are you working? Is there any option to lean out or go part time without quitting completely? That might make your schedule less crazy without the downsides of leaving the workforce completely.
Anon says
You shouldn’t be managing all this. It isn’t your job to get 2 adults and 2 kids ready in the morning; it’s the job of the other adult to get himself ready. It’s also his job to pick up the kids or drop them off, at least sometimes, so you are not racing in both directions.
I’m unclear as to what your problems are with the people you hire for outsourcing, but if it’s that big of an issue, you need to hire better or change your expectations.
Anon says
I’m not the OP, but I find it really hard to outsource weekday chores. Personal chefs don’t exist in our area so we can’t really avoid cooking dinner. Nor can you outsource loading the dishwasher and cleaning up all the messes kids have made during the day (unless you have a daily housekeeper, which is both hard to find and extremely expensive). We have a biweekly cleaning service and not having to clean our toilets or bathtubs certainly saves us a few hours of weekend time, but it doesn’t change our weekday routine at all.
OP says
I should clarify my original post — my husband is getting himself ready and helping with the kids. At this point we all do drop-off and pickup together for logistical reasons. He manages the food shopping/menu planning/cooking/after school babysitter/travel planning/etc. He, like me, is sleep deprived, never has time to exercise and has too much to do – the solution is not to shift more to him.
IHeartBacon says
“…the solution is not to shift more to him.”
I’m with you on this. A lot of folks on here often say the solution is to get spouse to do more, but in my household that is not a viable solution. My husband is equally high-performing at work and, as a result, stressed like me, and pressed for time like me.
Have you read I Know How She Does It, by Laura Vanderkam? Reading that book really changed my perspective on a lot of things and helped reduce the constant feeling of being frazzled and feeling like I wasn’t doing enough at all times.
Pogo says
Agree on this point, but for me what does work is extra kid help in the evenings so I can focus on chores instead of responding to every toddler demand. If you don’t have local family, can you hire a mother’s helper for a few evenings a week?
Anonanonanon says
I find outsourcing difficult as well. I manage people all day, i don’t want to manage a person or company at home. HOWEVER, I have decided partial outsourcing is the way to go.
-For example, I’m picky about how my wood floors and most of the main floor are cleaned. So I have cleaners come who vacuum the stairs and only do the second floor where the bedrooms and 2 bathrooms are. I’m much less picky about that floor.
-I’m picky about what gets washed on gentle/air-dried, so I thought sending out laundry wasn’t an option. However, I sometimes send out sheets and bedding and towels when things start piling up, because I don’t care if those get washed on hot instead of cold, for example.
tl;dr it’s not all or nothing with outsourcing, outsource the things you aren’t picky about.
Anonymous says
How old are your kids?
What’s worked for us for dinner is a two week meal plan including take out once a week and a trader joe’s frozen meal once a week. Knowing what we are going to cook on what nights, and having groceries on hand makes a huge difference. We also trade off morning duties – DH does breakfast and bathroom stuff with the kids, I dress them and make lunches.
You mentioned having things ‘done right’, not sure where your standards are, but sometimes there is a season of life that involves too much laundry piled up, a messy front porch with coats/boots and frequent crumbs on the kitchen floor. Consider upping your cleaners to weekly over biweekly as that may help.
Anonanonanon says
^This. our dinner menu is currently a lot of pre-made Trader Joe’s food. Also, we sit down with our kids while they eat, but we don’t always eat with them. It’s too much to come up with a meal that the whole house will eat every single night. Our plan looks something like this:
-Family Meal: Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken (comes frozen), brown rice (comes frozen and is cooked in the microwave), mixed veggies (you guessed it- frozen that you steam in the bag in the microwave)
-Kid Only Meal: Organic Mac and Cheese, Organic Chicken Nuggets, Cut-up Fresh Fruit. Husband and I make a cheese plate and have a glass of wine after the kids are in bed.
-Family Meal: Trader Joe’s Balsamic Rosemary Beef Tips (Come marinated, pop them under the broiler until they reach temperature), Dinner rolls (trader joe’s canned crescent rolls). Cut up berries for the kids.
-Kids Only Meal: Trader Joe’s Spinach Tortellini for the kids, steam-in-bag vegetables. Husband and I have BBQ pulled chicken (microwavable from Trader Joe’s) on buns with sliced smoked gouda for dinner.
-Friday! Son makes a cheeze pizza for himself and his sister (frozen trader joe’s pizza crust, trader joe’s sauce, shredded cheese). I make a BBQ Chicken pizza for myself and husband (frozen grilled chicken strips, bbq sauce, mozzarella, smoked gouda, red onions, on a frozen Trader Joe’s crust)
Anon says
+2 We are also on a very heavily TJ pre-made sourced meal plan and it totally works for us. They sell entire ready to go taco kits for less than $10 that currently feed our whole family (kids are little); their ready to cook beef pot roast is surprisingly good; we do their ready to cook gyro meat (just add pitas, tomatos & sauce!). I actually even prefer their frozen mashed potatoes that come in little medallions to my handmade mashed potatoes, so easy. I could go on. The orange chicken and balsamic beef mentioned above are also on heavy rotation.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I can so relate on the chaotic feeling of rushing from one thing to another and trying to get everyone to do things they resist. But gently, I think you’re holding yourself to an impossible standard. Getting everyone through dinner and bedtime without a meltdown is just not possible. If you stayed home, I guarantee your kids would still cry and scream and drag. And keeping a perfectly clean house with bills paid always on time (which can be helped with autopay btw) is not going to happen with little kids. I bet you are doing fine at work too.
I’m not sure how old your kids are but at any age I think you just have to try the best you can every day and then go to sleep and start over the next day. Life with kids, especially little ones, is going to be chaotic and messy and unplanned. I’m not sure staying at home will prevent that.
Where is your partner in this? I’d have a discussion with them to try to split chores more if something isn’t working or just agree that you’ll need to let a lot go, at least for now.
Annie says
Can you treat your work like your calm time? Do personal errands on your lunch break, treat yourself to a short afternoon walk etc.? Personally, I find being at work way calmer than parenting (though I love parenting) and don’t think it would help to parent full-time.
anon says
+1
Spirograph says
+1
Anonanonanon says
+1,000
anon says
yes, how old are kids? are they school aged? bc i think readjusting to the school year can really take time for everyone and figuring out new routines that work for everyone and your family. i often feel like you feel when i have house projects looming over my head – like i know i need to go through the kids drawers etc. can you or DH leave work early or go in late one day to try to get on top of things a bit? also, when things are crazy or when DH is traveling (like right now), my kids (1 year old twins) get a very simple dinner that is easy for me to clean up (cleaning up the mess after they eat is my most dreaded chore) – toast with hummus + veggie + fruit + cheese stick. i’m not winning any mother of the year awards for my gourmet meals but i’ve decided to stop obsessing over what im feeding my kids. it’s not like i’m giving them ice cream sundaes and cupcakes every day for dinner. and at this stage eating dinner as a family during the week just doesnt work for us
Pogo says
I like the tips about a scheduled WFH day which includes some housework and the rotating meal plan! I will try those myself.
OP, the other thing that works for us is having a rough schedule for the different types of mornings and evenings we have and sticking to them. For example, on a day I have to be in by 7:30, we both get up at 6 and DH has kiddo’s lunch made and is in his room waking him up at 6:30. Or on an evening that husband is working later so I’m basically solo for chores & dinner prep, I know that we need to be inside starting cooking at 5:30. If it’s a leftovers day, we have until 6. If DH and I are both home by 5:30, one person keeps kiddo outside playing while the other person cooks, etc.
We have a few different permutations of the schedule for our family and I have learned those checkpoints that I need to keep on top of to avoid being late for work or having massive meltdowns during dinner. DH used to roll his eyes (“It’s 6:50 on bath night, time to clean up toys”) but the schedules keep me sane.
EB0220 says
I still feel this way sometimes (kids are 5 and 7) but I’ve done a TON of work to beat back that feeling of chaos. I hated it. Things that have helped us in no particular order:
1) Rigid morning and evening routines. e.g. in the morning kids MUST eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, put on shoes, pack snacks and water, and get hair combed before they can do anything else. Everyone knows it so no one fusses.
2) Start each routine “phase” with a little connection. I spend a minute or two cuddling with the kids when they wake up before we launch into the routine and it really helps everyone.
3) Reset on the commute: I have to mentally reset myself between “work” and “home” mode on the commute so I am fully at work or fully at home. Otherwise my brain is too messy to be useful.
4) Do a little at a time: I am easily overwhelmed by household chores so I really have to do one load of laundry and 15 minutes of tidying a day. Otherwise the house gets messy and I both give up and get stressed.
5) Put the kids to bed as early as they will tolerate: Mine are in bed (if not asleep) by 8ish and I feel like that gives me good time for relaxing or finishing some chores.
6) If your kids are little (baby/toddler) know that it will get easier. The more self sufficient they are the less you feel like you are on the hook for their every need. But even toddlers can do basic things like dress themselves. So see if there’s something the kids can do to take something – anything – off your plate
7) Baths – we wash hair with shampoo and trim nails once a week. Maybe gross? But it makes bath time a lot easier.
8) Food – we do grocery orders online + super simple meals. If it has more than 6 ingredients it’s not happening. Preferably more like 3. Crockpot meals are helpful too.
Good luck! I think this is totally normal so it’s a matter of finding ways to simplify. Oh, I also like the idea of trying to WFH one day. That buys you a TON of margin to catch up while you’re on calls, etc.
Anon says
Maybe there is a secret third option for you like working 80% just to have a foot in the game – there are seasons of life where the effort will ebb and flow (like now my kids can reliably get dressed and eat breakfast without destroying the kitchen — game changer!!). In terms of outsourcing, I also found this harder in my city but there were more options when I moved to the suburbs. I have my kids in school + aftercare, but 2 days a week a woman that I hired through our local moms listserv comes and prepares Sunbasket for me and my husband, cooks a simple dinner for my kids, tidies up/does the kids laundry and goes to pick up my kids. When I get home, they are fed, the house is tidy and my dinner is ready. It’s 6 hours a week total and I have to manage it but we got in a good rhythm after a month or two. I often have the 8th grader across the street come over on the night that my oldest has soccer and stay with my youngest. I’ve also had her come for 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon – sometimes we’re doing things around the house, a lot of times we go to the library and do work. There are also two fully-prepared meal services in our town – not cheaper than takeout but more of a home cooked meal quality and nutrition. I have a cleaning service every other week. I basically only get groceries from instacart and Peapod (preferred).
Emily S. says
I could have written this same post about a year ago, but I am starting to see the light now. On the big picture level, what I’m hearing you say is that, you have some anxieties about standards that are not being met and you feel like everything is awful and out of your control. When I felt like that, honest conversations with my DH, when I said, I’m not looking for solutions just venting right now, and then following up with, okay now I’m looking for solutions was very helpful. So was going to a therapist, even though I loathed taking the time to add one more thing onto my schedule. So, gently, if you have an EAP or a connection to a therapist, consider it. I also read a lot of books, looking for the magic bullet. Spoiler, none of them were, but “Time to Parent” helped me. Working on the feelings of why I was anxious and felt like a failure did more for me than outsourcing. But, on the daily level, all of these suggestions others have about what you can outsource or plan ahead are great and could be very helpful. We tried CookSmarts meal plans for awhile; Hello Fresh for a while, etc., maybe those would help? Involving my kids at an age appropriate level helped, too, like, explaining why we all had to leave the house at X am so I could work, and then trusting my 4 year old to get dressed by herself, etc. It is a season of life, and it won’t be sunshine and rainbows everyday, but it doesn’t have to be dark and stormy all day every day, either.
Irish Midori says
Is your job satisfying? If no (and it sounds like maybe no), would it be so bad to quit? 1. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM. 2. It can be temporary. 3. Maybe freeing you up to find a more satisfying job (and/or one that you feel like you can rock out while also doing the other stuff you want to be good at) would be worth the leap.
June says
Your post is part of the reason why I posted yesterday I’d feel overwhelmed about having two small children.
What specifically is causing the most stress/chaos?
For meals, get a rotation of easy items and designate certain nights for take out, fast food or easy frozen option. We go out/get take out two nights a week, but we nearly always bring breakfast and lunch to work. Since my husband and I went low carb I find meal planning so much easier since it’s just meat and veggie or salad.
As far as cleaning, if you don’t already get bi-weekly cleaners. I too was concerned about managing them, but it’s been fine and worth it for the service they provide. The day to day cleaning is a grind. Having limited clutter and a place for everything helps (hooks for kids coats/bags etc). My kid’s toys are confined to the playroom off the kitchen, so that’s just one area to clean up. Have a schedule for laundry, make sure everyone has enough clothes, but not so many that the laundry piles up to ridiculous amounts because you haven’t run out of things to wear.
Agree with others, work from home if you can. That way you can sneak in some laundry, food prep and lunchtime exercise. On slow days at work I run errands at lunch.
Can you wake up before the kids to get ready, pack lunches, spend some time paying bills?
I have two paper planners – one for work and one for home stuff. The home one details laundry, meals, to do lists, errands to be run, medication refills…..
If you stayed home the house would get even messier, you’d have to prepare and clean up every meal for the kiddos, it’d be impossible to get housework done while watching the kids.
Anonymous says
Not sure how old your kids are, but I want to let you know it’s not black or white. I work 25ish hours a week. We get benefits through my husband, but my salary pays for our childcare*, our landscaping, our cleaning service, our vacations and funds my retirement. I take my kids to weekday activities. I volunteer. I am still very much “in the game” in my field, but it isn’t my life anymore. I left as a VP 5 years ago when I was pregnant with my second (of three). If I return full time, it will likely be at a Sr Director/VP role. A colleague/peer of mine stuck it out and is now an SVP and may make the C suite in the next 5 years. I don’t want or need that.
I have a couple of part time working moms working for me. Many of my kids’ moms And dad’s work part time. Think outside your current career/industry as well. One former double corporate parent family I know bought a CrossFit franchise and is raking it in! An old colleague of mine has an electric bike store. Both were VP/SVPs at fortune 100s.
anon says
what field are you in? it is not quite so easy to go part time in many fields
Anonymous says
Perhaps not in the exact role you have now, no. But i have met many, many people who have found part time work across all industries. I am certainly not doing a part-time version of my prior job.
I was a VP of finance for a tech company. I now do consulting for companies in my industry. I also have a side gig of helping investment banks evaluate companies in my industry.
I used to have several JDs report into me as I had HR and Complaince under me at various points. One woman is now doing compliance consulting in our industry part time.
A VP of product I used to work with started her own market research firm.
Several marketing people I’ve known over the years have stepped back and taken part time/contract work with agencies they used to employ.
Look also at industry groups- they are often looking for SMEs and don’t have full time work but can really help keep you in the loop.
Just because nobody is posting an ad for a part time role doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Anon says
It isn’t always easy to go 25 hours/week at your current job, but there are other ways to create a part-time career for yourself (changing jobs or doing freelance/consulting/remote work). I know lawyers, doctors, consultants, finance people, etc. who work part-time. Changing careers might be an option for OP too, it doesn’t sound like she’s incredibly passionate about what she does now.
Anonymous says
Oh and I didn’t s ya t was easy- just that I did it!
Anon says
I second the vote to realt try hard to look for part time work. I was you 18 months ago, convinced I was going to quit. Before I did that, I emailed every close professional contact asking if they knew anyone that’d be looking for me but part time. I had one that was and they created the PT role for me and it’s been the most amazing fit. I can’t tell you how much happier I am working PT at about 20 to 25 hours a week. I thought I could stay home when my first was a baby but now that she’s a toddler, it is so so so so exhausting now with two that I Need the break. I have much more time with them than at work and it is perfect.
Anon says
I think you’re conflating two things that are very different, imo: 1) Wanting to work part-time hours in your chosen industry and job while not taking a major step back career-wise vs 2) being ready to quit your job completely and contemplating part-time work as an alternative to that. Sounds like OP is at #2. And finding some kind of job you can do part time is very different than finding a unicorn like #1.
Coach Laura says
Sounds like a lot and yes, I was there when my kids were young. I always said I wanted to stop the merry-go-round and do a reset but it felt impossible.
It sounds like you are burned out on working and working-mothering. Can you take 2-3 days off to de-stress and keep kids at daycare/school? Then sit down and really think what your biggest stressors are and brainstorm ways to fix them.Then set a time each weekend to brainstorm with your spouse to plan ahead for the week.
Outsourcing is demanding at some levels but so is the stress. And maybe some things won’t get done while your kids are young.
Food was the hardest thing for me. Meal planning was the only thing that worked. Do you have grocery delivery available? Can you streamline dinners, get Trader Joe’s frozen or Costco premade for 3-5 dinners a week? Can you cook scrambled eggs and premade sausage patties and cut up fruit (purchased cut up already) for the kids 1-2 nights a week?
I used to think meal prepping on the weekend was too hard but Pinch of Yum’s 2018 freezer meals story (republished this week with new additions) is game changing with an instant pot or crock pot. These are great tasting meals with very little prep work – pejoratively called “dump recipes” sometimes but these don’t taste like that. Get the pre-cut onions/carrots/celery called mirepoix from Trader Joe’s fresh or frozen at the regular store. Use pre-cut garlic cubes and ginger cubes from Trader Joe’s or garlic in a tube. Frozen pre-cut squash and veggies. Seriously, take a look at the post. I made four of her meals in less than 30 minutes, froze them in instant-pot sized containers. Then put them in the instant pot when I get home while I do other things. Magic.
Then the usual things – autopay for all bills. Send laundry out. I used to not want to “waste” money on precut salads, veggies, etc but seriously do anything you can not to do things that can be done by others.
And a mothers’ helper from 5-8pm has worked for a lot of people. Have them arrive before you get there, unload/reload the dishwasher, put food in instant pot or microwave veggies. Fold laundry. Then when you and kids arrive, have them help kids get changed while you change and then dish up food or vice versa. After dinner the helper can load dishwasher and wash anything that can’t go in dishwasher (should be zero optimally).
The comments above about part-time are possibilities to look into. I know I couldn’t have survived the 5 years when I was able to work from home 3 days a week if I hadn’t had that. So maybe look for jobs where you could do that.
It’s a grind and quitting may or may not be the answer.
Coach Laura says
Link to pinch of yum’s post. https://pinchofyum.com/freezer-meals
AwayEmily says
Totally not kid related but have any of you cut your hair into a bob and been happy/not happy about it? Mine is getting too long (well below shoulder length) and I think I want to do something but I have vague memories of shorter hair being much harder to maintain (it’s been like 15 years since my hair was above my shoulders).
CHL says
I love my bob but I do have to “do it” every day whereas I think some people that have long hair that they just throw in a ponytail are horrified by that idea. It doesn’t take long to do it. Also I think the cut becomes really important – thinking about do you want it to have shape or be just blunt and straight all around, and finding a stylist who does that well. You probably will also have to get it cut more often. That said, I like that I have a style and I think it’s polished and people comment on mine all the time.
Redux says
I toggle between a just shorter than chin-length bob and growing my hair out past my shoulders every few years. Usually I make the change from long to short because I want something with more style and polish. A few years later I make the change from short to long because I miss ponytails and hate bed-head. I like to keep ’em guessing.
Anon says
This is me! My hair always looks more polished short, probably because I wear it down more…
Redux says
Same. Having short hair means I do my hair every day. For better (looks more polished!) and for worse (time commitment).
DLC says
I think a lot of it depends on your hair type. I have hair that is short and I I alternate between bob and pixie. I like the swing of a bob, but my hair tends to flip out at the end so it doesn’t look as polished as I would like- it takes more time than I want to have it look styled and sleek. (I have medium thick Asian hair and I always get bangs). The pixie is the lowest maintenance and makes showers super quick- doesn’t look as sophisticated, but that’s not a huge deal for me.
Cb says
I have a wavy lob with long layers and I like it but I’m definitely fine with a messy look. I go to bed with wet hair so am pretty no maintenance.
Redux says
Do you do anything to your hair when you go to bed with it wet?
anon says
I think this is really dependent on hair texture. I have always kept my hair on the shorter side, and here’s what I’ve figured out:
– A chin- or jaw-length bob is pretty easy to maintain and not much more work than the long pixie I’m currently sporting. You have to style your hair, but it’s short enough to not be a huge time sink. Plan on cutting every 6-8 weeks.
– Anything between chin-length and shoulder-length is kind of a pain because it’s not really short OR long, but requires as much (or more) styling than long hair. You can get away with haircuts every 8-12 weeks.
Personally, I am a big fan of having shorter hair. I don’t have particularly nicely textured (i.e., pretty) hair, and going short gives me a defined style and helps my overall appearance sooooo much. Styling is fast enough to not feel overly burdensome; I rarely wish I could pull my hair back in a ponytail.
mascot says
Another bob fan here. I have lots of straight, fine hair that I don’t color and a bob works well for my hair type. I wash/dry/style it daily and get it cut on a very regular schedule (cut every 6 weeks, with bang trims every 3 weeks). It sounds like a lot of work, but it doesn’t take that long to deal with every day.
Anonymous says
What is the texture of your hair? When I had a bob, I had to spend 25 minutes blowing out my hair every single day. Then it would turn back into a straggly mess the minute it was exposed to humidity. On the other hand, my co-worker with straight hair can just rough-dry or air-dry her bob and it looks polished and chic.
RR says
I recently cut mine to shoulder length, and I love it. I have curly/wavy thick hair that is a pain to blow dry and curl. Having it shorter is so much easier. It’s still just long enough for a pony tail, but I wear it down a lot more often than when it was longer.
Anonymous says
Hopefully not too late in the day…so how contagious is pneumonia? I know this depends on so many factors (viral vs bacterial, length of disease, etc…). But I was volunteering at my DDs preschool this morning when the teacher informed me that the girl I was holding (who was crying, snot streaming, coughing) had been hospitalized for pneumonia the previous week. I have a 7 week old baby, otherwise I wouldn’t be overly concerned, although not happy that my DD is possibly at risk. Was profuse about hand sanitizer and washing and changed my shirt once I got home. I’m going to mention it to ped. Tomorrow since my baby has a check up anyways. The girl didn’t have a fever (unless her mom just loaded her up with Tylenol), so technically she was allowed at school, but I’m not happy about it.
Anonymous says
You willing snuggling a visibly crying snotty child! This isn’t day cares fault.
2 Cents says
That’s harsh. A snotty child doesn’t equal a sick child if said child is crying.
Definitely check with your ped and load up on vitamin c.
Anon says
But also this child can’t be quarantined forever just because she had pneumonia last week. It seems kind of outrageous to blame daycare and/or the child’s parents.
Anon says
Do you have the PCV13 vaccine? That protects against many strains of the bacteria that cause pneumonia (and ear infections and other yucky things). If you were diligent about hand-washing, it’s unlikely your baby would get sick from germs you brought home today. The more likely scenario for baby getting sick would be if you got sick yourself and infected her before you knew you were ill. That’s significantly less likely if you have the vaccine.
It’s obviously not practical for parents to keep their kids home from school every time they’re snotty and it’s sounds like she’s been recovering from this illness for a while, so she’s probably not even contagious at this point. My kids always go back to school when they’re fever-free without medicine and have been on antibiotics for 24 hours. If they couldn’t go to school with a drippy nose, I would literally never work.
Anon says
Stupid question, but what kind of coat and other winter gear should a toddler have fordaycare? We live in the Midwest, so we definitely get a real winter with average highs below 50 from November to March. The parent handbook says they go outside if the windchill is above 25 but I imagine they don’t spend much time outside at those temperatures (especially since her classroom has infants in it). All she has currently is a fleece jacket. I was thinking of buying a Primary puffer jacket to layer, but wasn’t sure if the combination would be warm enough. Personally, I rarely wear anything warmer than a wool coat but I’m also only outside to walk 50 feet from my car to my office building.
Anonymous says
She needs a ski jacket, hat, and mittens. A fleece or puffer will not hold up to wind. If they go outside in the snow, she also needs snow pants and snow boots, and the mittens need to be waterproof.
Katy says
Agree.
And GOOD BOOTS. Make sure you get ones that “open up” to get their feet into. SO MUCH easier. (we had kamik last year that were great).
For last winter (`18 months) for more serious outside playing we had a waterproof one piece snowsuit that kept the little one really toasty for an hour or more outside. (We are in Canada with serious snow and winter)
For daycare we got a two piece snowsuit (relatively inexpensive – they weren’t outside for that long) – we left the pants (bib) + a hat and mitts there all the time. He wore the coat of the snowsuit and his boots back and forth each day. i know that is not ideal for a car seat but it was TOO COLD for fleece in our unheated garage. (i would bring a blanket for on top of him on really cold days).
AwayEmily says
We have the same temperature range where we live. We use a Patagonia down jacket, plus we’ll layer a fleece jacket underneath on days it is really cold. Target snowpants and Kamik snowbug boots. Snowstopper mittens (they have long cuffs that go up underneath the jacket. The regular mittens end up falling off). Fleece-lined hat.
I think it’s worth getting a good-quality down jacket like Patagonia if she’s outside regularly.
Io says
Layers layers layers! I sent kiddo to an outdoor playgroup as a toddler and she had so many layers:
1) long underwear (wool or tech fabric), thin wool socks 2) sweat pants, thermal shirt / flannel shirt, thick wool socks, small fleece hat, thin wool gloves 3) quilted down pants and jacket with hood, fleece neck gaiter 4) waterproof / dirtproof layer of Muddy Buddy, snow boots, waterproof snow mittens.
Linda Akeson McGurk wrote a book called “There’s No Such Thing as Bad Weather” and her website has a great list of layering suggestions (she is anti-hood, which I find baffling, but her kids are older).
Katy says
HELP – MONTESSORI “INSPIRED” Does this sound AWESOME OR CRAZY?
[NTD: this is NOT a knock on Montessori, i know people love it… please read my question at the end about whether this particular daycare seems reasonable?]
So just last Friday, we found out that our daycare location is closing THIS FRIDAY. It is national chain, so they are moving all the kids to other locations, so fortunately it isn’t a child care crisis, just a logistics problem. We specifically picked this location because my husband has to walk past it from my office where we park to get to his office. 30 mins ago we got our allocated spots and they are NOT ones that we picked as preferred. (I estimate that it will add at least 20 mins to my computer shut down to home routine, with a smaller impact on my husband – we only live a few km from work so proportionately this is a lot). GAH – thank you for listening to my rant.
In response, we have looked at other care options, including a daycare that is 1 building over from mine. There are a couple pros / cons, but my question for you wise ladies is this…
Have you had positive experiences with Montessori programming. The daycare is “montessori inspired” and it includes 3 rooms – the left brain room (pretty normal “class room with toys ets”, the right brain room (lots of great toys like sand table with trucks, kitchen centre, dress up etc.) and the “movement room”(yoga ish room with mats and stuff – not a lot of toys etc). The flag for me was what he would need to start for 3 months in the left brain room before he could add the other rooms because children “can’t handle that much transition”. After three months they add right brain and then another month or two later they add “movement”. Once you start having multiple rooms in your schedule, the child would spend the entire day in a given room. We live in Canada and would plan to start December at this daycare… HOW DO ALL THE KIDS NOT GET THE MOVEMENT ROOM? in Dec / Jan if can easily be worse than – 15 C out (where they cut off outdoor play?).
Does this sound “normal” to other people who have used and liked Montessori programs? I know that lots of people have great success with it.
The daycare has a good reputation, especially fro providing full pre-school like curriculum, and if it works out the LW would spend 2 + years there. 4 – 5 months in that context isn’t that long. BUT a flag for me is that they don’t think my kid could handle meeting multiple teachers for MONTHS? What else do they not think that kiddos can “handle”? And how is my kiddo going to get his crazies out?
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Quail says
My child is in a pretty strict Montessori program and it is nothing like this. I’ve never heard of different rooms, or left brain/right brain/movement as a division. As far as I understand it, the Montessori curriculum was originally designed around having one classroom for ages 3-6, with a consistent guide/teacher, and specific Montessori materials. There are also curricula for infants and toddlers that build to the 3-6 classroom – but again, never heard of anything like what you are describing.
I’d be less concerned about the Montessori-inspired (which honestly sounds like a marketing gimmick from what you’ve described) and more concerned about the pretty weird logistics of this daycare.
Redux says
Agreed. We are in Montessori-inspired and do not have this right/left/movement thing. That must be the “inspired” part of it– maybe they use Montessori methods or materials but the separate rooms thing is their own design. Also, the provision of a “full preschool-like curriculum” seems off to me, too, for Montessori. I wouldn’t write it off for those reasons, just know that those aspects are not representative of Montessori, IME.
rosie says
That sounds really stressful about your center closing, sorry! I cannot comment on Montesorri (we recently started at a Reggio Emilia preschool), but as someone who is in the midst of a transition to a new program, the 3-month thing sounds bonkers. Having access to different toys and gross motor space just doesn’t seem like a huge transition to me. The only transition we have had was starting with a few shorter days — they have been using all the classroom toys, going to art/music/yoga, and going to the playground or the indoor gross motor space from the beginning.
Anon says
+1, not Montessori but our daycare is really big on gradual transitions – they recommend a series of visits, half days and three quarter days before leaving your child there all day. When children transition rooms, they visit the new room a minimum of five times before they go there permanently. But even on the early days when you only leave your kids there for 1-2 hours, your child gets to visit the playground and the big gross motor room…that doesn’t seem like a “transition” to me at all. As long as the teachers and classmates are familiar, visiting different play places will not be scary for a typical toddler.
SC says
I think this sounds absolutely crazy, for all the reasons you mention, and I’ve never heard of anything like it at any daycare, whether Montessori or Montessori “inspired.”
Katy says
Thank you. i couldn’t believe that this seemed like part of a Montessori program.
Anonymous says
Omg so much yelling! Less than 20 minutes different? Stick with what you know.
io says
This is not Montessori. Not even a little bit.
This is just weird and seems punitive to children. I’d avoid the place and I’d give an arm for a real Montessori school we could afford.
Anonymous says
So today is date night and my in laws had promised to babysit but flaked (as they do half the time) but it didn’t bother me. I’m super tired and my kid will be asleep by 7 anyway. Honestly relieved to go home and go to bed at 8 PM and not to have to do things. In laws said they were out of town.
Anyway as a makeup date night I asked husband to meet me at the coffee shop beside work for coffee (I wouldn’t have had time for lunch) and guess what, in laws were there having lunch. So we ended up having lunch with them.
So awkward.
Anonymous says
Omg I can’t.
anon says
Wowwww, ILs.
NYCer says
Super late response, but that is hilarious!