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Anonymous says
For those adding a second, did you hire additional caregivers to support during the pregnancy/newborn period – and if so, what service providers did you hire? We are expecting our second child in the fall. My partner and I are already stretched to the max with our almost 3 year old who is in daycare. We also both have very demanding jobs in a VHCOL area (so this will not be cheap). Even after my first trimester symptoms eased up I cannot really contribute as much as I used to, and I am not sure how we will make things work going forward without additional help – but I don’t even know what kind of help I should hire for – we probably need someone who can help evenings around the house with dinner, cleaning, laundry and just taking work off of our plates.
I had previously responded to an ad for a part time nanny but she didn’t wants to work evenings (5-8). Was that the wrong role – should we hire a mother’s helper? White knuckle through the situation until the baby is born and then hire a nanny full time for the newborn?
I am willing to throw money at this to make anything easier (I honestly don’t know how we will survive if we don’t) I just don’t know what services I am supposed to be spending on.
anon says
What do you hire out so far?
Would recommend having a housecleaner and keeping 3yo in daycare at least part time during your mat/pat leaves. I’d also consider if you want evening help vs. daytime help — it might be easier to find someone to cook/clean during regular business hours, and then you can come home to dinner mostly ready and laundry folded!
Anonymous says
So far just a housecleaning service comes once every other week – but they don’t do laundry/dishes they do stuff like vacuum/bathrooms/kitchen and that’s it beyond the daycare
Anonymous says
Do they have to be there in the evenings? Sounds like you need a housekeeper a few days a week who does laundry, and meal delivery.
Spirograph says
If you want a helper who will do household tasks so you can spend time with the kids, I would look for more of a housekeeper role than a “mothers helper” (I think of this as a tween who plays with young kids to give parents a break) or a nanny. If you live near a university, that would be a good place to advertise. I had a few friends who did this in college, they basically helped with the evening shift after school/daycare, prepped dinner, tidied a bit, etc.
NYCer says
How tied are you to your daycare and how much money do have to throw money at the problem? It will be expensive, but you might want to consider hiring a full time nanny now and putting your 3 year old in part time preschool. The nanny can do things around the house while the 3yo is at school and just give you a bit of extra flexibility. I would also strongly recommend a night nanny for the baby. And a housekeeper once a week or every other week, depending on your needs.
anon says
This is the way. In my VHCOL area with a tight labor market for household help, even this will be hard to hire for—a lot of skilled nannies won’t also do general housework like family laundry. But, you’d have a better chance of finding someone for a full-time, ongoing position. It’s very difficult to hire here for part-time household help.
TelcoLadyJD says
We have two. My husband has a big job (works from home all the time and travels an average of once a month), and I’m a federal government lawyer with a very 9-5 schedule (work from home 4 out of 5 days a week). I think you’re looking at some sort of childcare help and (probably a lot) of household help.
For household help, we have: (1) a weekly cleaning service that cleans our main level (not the basement, which we infrequently use) and folds all of our laundry; (2) someone who mows the lawn weekly during the spring/summer/fall and also does minor household maintenance projects (painted our deck, cleans our gutters, power washes our siding, etc.); (3) a landscaping company that trims trees twice a year and brings in mulch for our flower beds (this is more of a quarterly visit).
For childcare help, we have (1) full time daycare for both of our children (we’ve thought about a nanny, but since we both work from home the majority of the time and our house isn’t huge….it’s not a great fit); (2) a grad student who comes every Sunday afternoon to do bedtime and dinner (this gives my husband and I time for a date or an opportunity to get some work done); and (3) my sister comes twice a week for dinner/bedtime/post-bedtime hangout (she is single, and I don’t expect that this kind of support will last forever…but for right now she loves the time to play with the kids and I love the company/help).
Things to think about as far as childcare goes: My husband and I have the flexibility to do drop off and pickup ourselves. I drop off and he picks up while I make dinner. Dinner is ready when they all walk back in the house around 5:30. We make it a priority to participate in dinner/play/bath/bedtime together, and then frequently get back online to work after the kids are in bed. If you or your spouse won’t have this flexibility = then having someone help in the evenings will be really helpful while they’re both little. Other than my sister, our families are largely useless as far as childcare help goes – if you have helpful grandparents, you might not need as much paid help.
Anon says
An au pair would be an option for help with the 3 yo, but they aren’t allowed to help with infants. You probably want a nanny or mother’s helper until you get past the infant stage.
The best part about au pairs is that they can do a split schedule and help in both the morning and evening, and are generally very flexible to schedule. The downside is that they live with you and turn over every year or two so you have to keep hiring and training.
Anon says
Au pair is the answer if you have a room for them. They can take care of infants, just not without supervision. Our au pair was already with us when baby was born but was invaluable during maternity leave to take baby so I could shower, do house stuff or spend time with toddler. They can also do all the kid home stuff – laundry, tidying the kids’ rooms, packing bags and lunches. Our empties our dishwasher every weekday — since husband and I only eat dinner at home, literally every dish in there except 2 are her own dishes, the kids’ or pump parts.
Anon says
I have major trust issues allowing an au pair to help with an infant. We’ve had au pairs for 6 years and love the program, but you do run into very unexpected judgement issues. I wouldn’t want an au pair anywhere near my newborn. You just don’t know what they’ll do or not do.
Au pairs are a good option starting around 1 year (once the baby is more robust), an even better option once your kid can report back on their day (around preschool ages), and terrific for school aged kids.
Anonymous says
It can be tricky to find a good au pair. My friends who used them found that their driving skills weren’t up to snuff, and enrolled their au pair in driving school. You’re also hosting an early 20s girl, who may be homesick or have less experience than you want. It can be great or a bad fit, and you may not know until she’s living with you.
Anon says
I’d look for housekeeper. Definitely not a “mother’s helper.” Where I am (VHCOL) that’s sort of not a thing or just means not really a professional. Or sometimes people say that when they mean housekeeper, in which case just hire housekeeping. If you need a break from kid, evening nanny help is totally a thing.
Anon says
Just had our second, also have a two year old, live downtown in a HCOL city. Husband is in a surgical sub-speciality, I’m in finance; both work ~70+ hours each week, including routine weekends for him. We rent so no upkeep, and do our own cleaning. We use a daycare. I think ultimately it all depends on what pain points you want to solve for. Cleaning and laundry would not have moved the needle for me. We have local family that prior to pregnancy helped ~1x a week with either daycare pickup or weekend babysitting. We asked and they were willing to increase that to ~2-3x a week in my second two trimesters. To be totally honest, I often used that time for a quick nap whether on the weekends my husband worked or on weekdays before logging back in for the rest of the evening. So if i didn’t have local family, all i would have wanted to hire for would be babysitting. We also did more takeout (went from probably 1x a month to 1x a week) which also really helped and took no effort to get on our way home. We kept the toddler in daycare and never considered doing otherwise when baby arrived, which I think both helped us get in a routine quickly and really helped them feel like life was more normal and not changed by the baby.
AnonNY says
I’m very impressed you work those hours and handle cooking and cleaning. Please share your secrets!
Anon says
Hi – my DH is BigLaw/partner track (with loads of travel), and I have a leadership-level job (no travel). We are both hybrid. We have 2 kids, 3 and 6.
Current help in addition to FT childcare (preschool/daycare for 3 year old and 6 year old is in Kindergarten + aftercare)
1. Family – local parent comes over at least 1x/week, picks up one of the kids, helps with dinner/bathtime. We are also able to drop kids to parents’ house for overnights/weekends; my sibling also lives in the same house so it’s super helpful. Local parent and/or sibling can also babysit as needed.
2. Hired help –
— We have a housekeeper/house manager that comes over 2 nights a week from roughly 5-8. She handles all kitchen activity (e.g. she will warm up/plate food and also she will chop whatever I need to cook future meals, pack big kid’s lunch, clean up/load dishwasher, etc.) She will also run errands, water plants, etc. On Fridays she comes over 12-5 and does all of our laundry and whatever else we need.
— House cleaners – our Housekeeper does light cleaning, but for a full clean of the house they come once every 3 weeks
— Babysitters – We have 2 babysitters we rotate between, because I don’t want to be fully dependent on local family – they are beyond generous with their time but I also want the retired parent to enjoy other facets of their very full life
— Grocery Delivery – Housekeeper helps me make the list for the week, I add depending on what I plan to cook
We also have a VERY high-energy dog. After a lot of trial and error, and a tough 4 years with him, we’ve finally bit the bullet and put him in daycare once a week and it’s been a huge change for the better. DH was WFH due to COVID when kid #2 was born, so he was able to handle the walks, but I’d encourage you to think about hiring a dog walker if you have a dog. This isn’t a big lift – the Rover app is a great resource to find someone.
Anonymous says
There’s two different periods and two different solutions:
Late pregnancy/maternity leave:
– increase bi-weekly cleaners to weekly for heavy cleaning like floors, bathrooms, use cleaners who will change and laundry sheets weekly.
– post-partum support – hire a post- partum doula as they are more flexible than a night nurse. They can hold the baby while you spend time with the toddler or shower, or they can start dinner while you nurse etc. Very flexible. Your local doula association. Mine was a part time geriatric social worker in her day job and came 3-6 for 3 days in a week. Usually they work only in the first 3 months post partum.
– keep toddler in full time childcare. Routine helps a lot when there are big changes at home. Have DH drop them off in the morning. On days that doula is there, you can pick toddler up a bit early for one on one time which often helps the sibling adjustment.
Post maternity leave:
– weekly or at least biweekly cleaners for bathrooms/floors etc
– full time childcare – possibly nanny for the baby in the first year when you are more likely to be dealing with frequent illnesses
– evening helper – no family I know of with two big jobs is able to manage without this kind of help. 3 evenings a week like 4-6 or 5-9 or whatever you can find/afford. Advertise at local colleges because this was a popular job for local grad students who wanted regular hours and didn’t want to waitress etc. Particularly popular with child related program students (education/psych/nursing/childcare worker). Have them start supper, empty dishwasher, pack lunches or daycare bag for the next day, wash and fold kid laundry, play with kids while you change out of work clothes etc.
DH balked initially at the cost but I pointed out that he knows problems are solved with time or money and we don’t have time. And while we don’t have a lot of extra money, household assistance is much cheaper per hour than marriage counselling.
Hang in there. The days are long but the years are short. One day you’ll blink and find out that you don’t even need to do their makeup for their dance recital because they are better at make up than you are and they are somehow a teenager when it feels like yesterday that they were a preschooler. But OMG those early days are long AF sometimes.
TelcoLadyJD says
I agree with all of this. We had a postpartum doula after our second was born, and she was invaluable. But don’t hire a postpartum doula if what you want is a night nurse – you can get nighttime baby help for much less per hour than a postpartum doula.
Mrs. Luke Danes says
I am an attorney (litigation), and my husband is a municipal employee with evening meetings 4/month, and sometimes 3 are in the same week. When my second was born, my oldest was 20 months. We kept our toddler in full-time daycare, and we hired what I called a part-time nanny/very regular babysitter. She came every single night 5-9 that one of us was home alone with the kids for a year, and did date nights as well. Most of the time I would divide and conquer with her – take the baby, while she handled the toddler. Sometimes, I would leave both with her and work at Starbucks. We found her on a local facebook nanny group. We outsource cleaning (every other week) and all yard maintenance. Now that the kids are 2 and almost-4, laundry is a bigger pain point than evening childcare, but I’m not sure I’m ready to send it it out (yes, that is my own issue). I would like a housekeeper/manager, but not sure we can afford that right now with both in daycare. We considered a nanny, but my husband goes to work late and I WFH occasionally (and will more in the future), so that wasn’t the right fit for us for this season of life.
Anon says
What are both of your hours and travel?
We have a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old in daycare. My husband works from 7:30 – 4:45 and I work from 8 – 5/5:30 (he had to shift early and I had to shift late to accommodate daycare hours) in person but without travel. So our main pain points are housekeeping rather than childcare. Our answer it has been drastically lower standards and outsourcing. Meal kits (Home Chef oven ready options, Freshly for lunches) grocery delivery, weekly cleaning service. We don’t bother folding kids clothes any more (just sort the clean ones into drawers) and only do machine washable work clothes for ourselves that are on repeat and hung up, but if I were throwing more money at it I’d have our house cleaners do it for us. I got a recommendation for a handyman of a Fbook moms group and keep a running list and text him when I have multiple small jobs (he just came and installed a curtain rod, hung curtains, and hung photos with very detailed instructions on how I wanted them).
If you guys do a lot of solo parenting that’s when I’d consider more of a mother’s helper, just to be an extra set of hands when the second kid comes.
TelcoLadyJD‘s weekend grad student sounds amazing and is really something I should look into.
TelcoLadyJD says
Honestly, hiring her is the best thing I’ve done for my mental health since Zoloft. LOL. We struck out a few times before finding her. She’s a PhD student, who works part time for a preschool in our area – but not OUR preschool. (Which is clutch, since our daycare/preschool forbids teachers from moonlighting for their daycare kids.) So she was background checked, etc. She’s wonderful, and I hope that she stays with us until she graduates. This kind of help isn’t cheap – her rate for two kids is $30 an hour…so $120 a week. But so worth it.
Anon says
That does sound totally worth it. How old were your kids when she started?
TelcoLadyJD says
She’s only been coming for maybe four months? So my daughter was recently 3 and my son had just turned 1. They are now almost 3.5 and 16 months. (We’d started looking for someone maybe three months earlier and struck out a number of times.) My oldest does not love someone other than mom or dad doing bedtime, but it’s good for all of us.
Anon says
Ahh, that’s so promising! Thank you!!
Anonymous says
I recently started paying attention in some of my local mom group threads to see what kind of help is available in my VHCOLA area and here are some options I will throw out.
Mother’s Helper – A younger teenager who comes over, usually after school or on weekends. Basically an extra pair of hands – they can corral your child while you get stuff done, play with them while you nap, help you prep dinner, play with kids in the same room while you get stuff done, occupy kids while you take work calls. Less professional help but more flexible in terms of what they pitch in on. Like an au pair, they need more hands on instruction.
Part time nanny – If you want night or weekend coverage, you will need to specifically note this in your ad. Typically do childcare only.
Cleaning service – Comes at the designated frequency (once a week, biweekly, etc.). Can often be paid more to take on extra tasks like laundry, dishes, deep cleaning periodically. We have a biweekly cleaner who stays an extra hour or two to do extra tasks I specify in advance.
Housekeeper – Much harder to find. Handles both cleaning and some level of cooking.
Home organizing – Helps with things like cleaning and organizing closets, sorting through kids clothes, getting rid of older things, etc. Typically a one off purchase.
Upgrading cleaning tools – E.g., getting a robot vacuum or a combination mop/vaccum, getting a spinning brush to help with cleaning.
Meal delivery service – Ordering prepared meals for yourself or your child
Meal kit service – Pre-prepped ingredients delivered
Personal chef – Typically comes 1x a week. They make a grocery list for you in your delivery app, you pay for the groceries, groceries delivered on the day they cook, they come over and prep meal components for the designated number of meals.
anon says
We had (in addition to weekly housecleaner and full-time childcare – which has been family, a stay-at-home-spouse, and/or a full time nanny):
1) postpartum doula for the first 6-12 weeks – she will do laundry, make food, take care of the baby, take care of the toddler so you can “sleep when the baby sleeps,” and generally make your leave much nicer and your recovery faster.
2) college student to do part-time evenings to help with school pickup/afternoon activities, dinner prep, cleaning up the kitchen, folding laundry, and then incidental child care. We found these by posting on nearby college job boards (don’t overlook community/technical colleges) at the beginning of the semester, and then having the student recommend a younger friend/classmate when she graduated. We’ve basically had someone new every year or two, but this is the demographic that we’ve found to be willing to do the 5-8 shift we’re looking for. We have them M-Th so it’s about 12 hours a week, and if they want more hours we add Friday or Saturday as a date night.
Anon says
I hired a lot of help the first six weeks because I had a very attached 2 year old, husband with no leave/busy schedule, and a bad experience the first time around with PPD/PPA/bad physical recovery after the first emergency C-section.
I had a (Korean) postpartum doula M-F for 7 hrs a day. She cooked breakfast lunch dinner and snacks, gave me massages, basic baby care so I didn’t really handle the baby much during the day, washed bottles and basic cleanup of the kitchen and baby areas. I am Korean and these Korean post partum doulas are a thing and this is their standard care/schedule. We also had my parents drive my toddler to daycare (full time) and do our laundry. I wouldn’t have survived without this help.
Basically you need:
– laundry help (local laundromat pick up drop off service twice a week or someone who is already working in your home does it)
– meal help (private chef, lots of prepared foods, etc)
– cleanup help (someone to come and clean up either after the morning or evening rush—roles my doula and parents filled). I actually asked our housekeeper to stop coming because the first few weeks was so crazy I didn’t have time to tidy before she came and preferred not to have to worry about tidying.
Some moms I know pay more for help during odd hours to make it worth people’s times (I.e. 1.5x their rate to come before 8am or after 5pm). May be worth it for a few weeks/months.
On the night nurse front…We did have a night nurse but we asked her to stop coming after a day (paid the contract termination fee) because it wasn’t working for us. I don’t think night nurses work for every situation, but sometimes you won’t know until you’re in it…
CCLA says
For now, look for part-time “nanny/family assistant” and be specific that it runs the gamut from laundry, errands, childcare – basically a third part-time parent. I’ve always steered clear of “mothers helper” b/c in my area it seems to mean a teenager or college kid who won’t be the primarily responsible party and needs you present to direct things.
We never hired help when I was pregnant but we should have. If you can swing the $$, I LOVED having 30-40 hours of help during mat leave, also nanny/family assistant combo. If I wanted to hang with baby, they went to the store. If I needed to get out of the house, they watched baby and folded laundry. Also had a night nurse a few times a week, which was like buying sleep.
I was formula feeding so the benefit may be less apparent with b-feeding. I was really specific with candidates, which is my number one piece of advice when hiring support. One I found on care dot com but mostly I used an agency.
Good luck! It’s hard to find the right people, but it’s worth the effort to get support (and for many things, doesn’t have to be the best fit, just someone good enough will make a world of difference).
Anon says
Voting night nurse and au pair
14 month old bangs and shows says
My 14 month daughter has bangs that keep getting in her eyes. I am not ready for her first hair cut. She generally doesn’t like things in her head so headbands and the like are out. Any recommendations for barettes or something similar? And any recommendations for good shoes for her as a new walker?
Spirograph says
This is what the tiny rubberbands and “whale spout” hairstyle are for. Headbands and barrettes never worked for my daughter
AwayEmily says
Tiny elastics, use to make a narwhal horn/whale spout. SO CUTE and very effective. The first few times she’ll fuss when it goes in/comes out but just be consistent and she will get used it it soon.
Leatty says
+1
Loved this look with my daughter
You can also use clip bows to pull the hair off to the side, but my daughter never left them in her hair long
anon says
I’m team grow through it. DD had a strong mullet for a while but we just pushed through and now she has long gorgeous hair. We leaned in to the BamBam styled “pony tail” on the top of her head or two that poked out and looked like antennae while it was growing long. Clips never did the trick – they just got yanked out, but more often her hair was just too fine to hold clips. Get the tiny rubber elastic bands – usually in fun bright colors – and that did the trick for us.
GCA says
When my kids were at the lots-of-thin-wispy-hair stage, I got by on a combo of tiny hair elastics and metal snap hair clips.
And for new walkers, you want shoes with a wide toe box and thin soles that are as flexible as possible so they can feel the ground while being protected. We used some hand-me-down Robeez at that age.
anon says
You won’t want to hear this but cut the bangs if she won’t keep stuff in her hair. That’s eventually what I eventually had to do with my daughter because even the little tiny ponytail holders really bugged her. I was worried about growing them out, but it honestly ended up being no big deal when she was a little older (4) and was able to leave ponytails and barrettes alone.
AwayEmily says
My first daughter had bangs from about 14 months until age 3.5, and they were the absolute cutest. And yes, growing them out was NBD.
Anonymous says
If you have money to throw at it, hire a nanny service to find you a FT nanny that will do everything: meal prep, dishes, light housekeeping etc. You may also consider hiring a night nurse for when the baby is born. You might look into doulas but have no experience with those. Do you have a housekeeper? Consider getting one or having existing come weekly. We went from one to three and while it was an adjustment, it wasn’t a huge deal. Neither of us had big jobs though. I really think you need a reliable full time nanny to make it works with two big jobs…if that’s even possible.
GCA says
With two big jobs, I think OP’s family would need two childcare providers – at least one FT and one evening-hours – plus a housekeeper who also does household management (like managing a rotation of part-time sitters). I don’t have personal experience with this, I’m definitely in the wrong income bracket for it, but you definitely need more than one person’s worth of work to support two big jobs and two small children!
Anon says
i know this board skews younger, but i thought i’d try here first before going to the main board. an area high school recently published their yearbook with some problematic content. The published four responses to the question “What has been your favorite trend or event this school year?” and one 9th grader wrote “The Israeli Hamas War because of how it started,” which is obviously problematic on so many levels. Why someone’s favorite event is a war that began with r*pe, murder and kidnapping is extremely disturbing and the fact that it was decided this was appropriate to publish in the school yearbook is also problematic. i’m trying to help a friend gather anecdotal info on yearbook procedures. does anyone have a kid involved in yearbook or have any insight into how yearbook content is reviewed/approved?
Anon says
OMG this is bonkers to me. I was in journalism in HS – granted, newspaper, not yearbook, but we all had the same teacher/worked very closely together. This was in the late 1990s-very early 00s, and our teacher would have final say on everything covered, and regularly pushed back on things (sometimes it felt like too much pushback to teenage me).
Spirograph says
+1 I also did journalism and yearbook in high school, and… this is a massive editing and/or teacher supervisor fail.
anon says
+1. Yup. State journalism champion, right here. The kid should face suspension, absolutely, but I have no idea how something like this would get past any teacher.
Anon says
We always had a yearbook advisor who was expected to read and approve the book before it was submitted for printing. They would have never let that go in and the student would have been called in to speak with the administration. That’s not a political view, but hate speech.
For things that did slip through (e.g., teen abbreviations that the yearbook advisor didn’t understand but weren’t appropriate) they would put an unremovable sticker over the objectionable content before distributing the yearbooks.
Momofthree says
This is based on my experience as a yearbook editor back in the day. They should have a faculty advisor but it was really me as the editor that was responsible for ensuring the content wasn’t vulgar. I’ve also seen situations when the yearbook was published where they had to put a sticker over a page that was printed.
I agree that the comment is extremely problematic, but what is their objective at this point? Have their yearbooks already been distributed?
OP says
at this point the objective is to avoid something like this happening again next year. and trying to figure out how to educate the students as to why this is problematic and does not belong in the yearbook. there is obviously a bigger issue of how to educate students so that this is not their favorite event of the year
Anon says
It should be a suspension, not “education on why it’s problematic.” That kid knows!
Anonymous says
+1, and the teacher who let this happen should be fired. If it’s a private school with funds they should reprint the yearbook. This is absolutely outrageous.
Anon says
My mom was the yearbook advisor who noticed and removed some drug references from a similar senior questionnaire, but that was considered especially conservative. The local paper did not remove the drug references when they printed the same content.
Obviously this is a different kind of content, but there may be less editorial process than you would expect.
Anonymous says
I don’t think you need to go further than the school board’s anti-hate speech policy (I assume something along those lines exists). Just flag it as a violation of the hate speech policy that got missed and should be corrected.
Anon says
Yeah we had a faculty advisor who had to approve the final layout, and my kids’ school is the same. I agree this should not have been published, but I’m not sure what can be done now. Putting a sticker over it seems like you’re just giving it more attention – and presumably attention is what this kid is seeking.
Anon says
That kid is deeply troubled and I would worry for any girls (or boys) who get into relationships with him.
I’m so sorry this happened. I can’t stand Hamas apologia.
Anon says
I think the kid was just trying to get a rise out of the adults.
Anon says
1000%.
Anon says
or the kid actually thinks this. either way, it is probably very upsetting to some to see this in the yearbook
Anonymous says
Why is this your problem? Schools and kids are going through enough already without randos making this a cause.
Anon says
how is this a productive comment to what OP posted?
anon says
How in the world did this happen? I was a total yearbook nerd, and even in my small rural high school, there was a professional faculty adviser overseeing everything that went in. I don’t know of any yearbook staff that is run by students without some adult supervision.
Anonymous says
Judging by the quality of my daughter’s high school yearbook, the supervising teacher does not look at it.
Vicky Austin says
I was newspaper editor in HS and I…might have let a comment like that fly in a misguided effort to not be censorious (Fahrenheit 451 and all that).
I’m not saying that’s an appropriate thing to publish in school-related material AT ALL. Christ.
Anonymous says
I think the issue is probably that there is little to no adult review or approval of content and definitely no written procedures. At least that’s how everything works at our school.
If an adult did review it, consider whether they were afraid they’d get sued or attacked for “censorship.” Where we live the right-wingers are eager to censor everyone else’s viewpoints in the name of “freedom” and “parents’ choice” but are absolutely opposed to the banning of their own hate speech. If an adult was involved she was probably stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Anon says
I’m setting up a desk for home tasks (not wfh) on a spare table. I’m in a two parent household with two kids, but we haven’t experienced the onslaught of kid activities yet.
What setup would you include? Anyone want to vicariously shop for cute organizers?
NLD in NYC says
Oooh, my organizer heart soars! First of all, what home tasks are you trying to accomplish? Bill paying, family scheduling, world domination? Will you also use the space for paper craft-ish things?
OP says
:) I was hoping you were out there!
At the moment it’s just bills, and a tiny amount of admin for a side hustle (basically paying those bills too). I expect the amount of family scheduling will tremendously increase over the next few years.
NLD in NYC says
Sounds like you may only need a simple file box to manage paperwork (weren’t we promised a paper free society!) in the design aesthetic of your choice. Will you fold up the desk? If so, maybe a cute file box caddy is in order. Organize 365 sells one for the Sunday basket system. Just noticed Erin Condren has one as well.
Side note: I like the concept of a Sunday Basket and the products look cute. I personally haven’t pulled the trigger since I feel like it’s geared more toward home owners & those with older kids. I’m experimenting with my own bootleg version, but I might commit as DS gets older and has more activities (or we buy a house. Hahaha.).
Spirograph says
My #1 household organizing tool is my magnetic dry-erase weekly calendar on the fridge. I update it every weekend (from my paper planner + shared google calendar with DH). It is color-coded and includes
1. Standing kid activities
2. One-off changes to kid activity schedule (in a different color)
3. Any other appts
4. Meal plan
5. To-do / reminders section
For your table, though: I’d get one of those big desk calendars plus an inbox, outbox, and somewhere to file things you need to save. I have a drawer for hanging folders that I love — it’s wood and looks more like an end table than office furniture, but I wasn’t able to find a similar one with a quick search. I got it on my local buy nothing, so I have no clue its original provenance. Hang a bulletin board on the wall nearby. I’m looking forward to seeing the vicarious shopping!
Anon says
if your kids have HW: how old are your kids/grade? where in your house do they do their hw and in your ideal world where would they do their hw?
Anon says
I have a 5th grader. She mostly does her homework at the bus stop while waiting for her sister’s bus, as she likes to get it done ASAP after school ends. When she does have a bit more to do, she’ll do it at the kitchen table. She has a desk in her room, but hasn’t ever used it for homework.
Anon says
My kindergartner has weekly homework and doesn’t have a desk so she does it at the dining room table. I think we probably will need to get some kind of desk soon, since homework ramps up in first grade but I’m not sure where to put it. Our house is not small (4 bed + 1 den, ~2,700 square feet excluding basement) but the bedrooms are on the smaller side and there isn’t really space in her bedroom for a desk. We have a large furnished basement but it seems kind of mean to banish her down there. Maybe we will just keep letting her do it in the dining room, although I don’t love that either.
Anon says
My third grader has a short packet due each Friday. He does it wherever he wants. I stay out of it, apart from general reminders like “you have baseball tomorrow, this may be a good night to get your homework done.” Teacher blesses and approves of handing the responsibility totally to the kids.
This is going to be so kid specific; I always did my homework in the middle of everything (kitchen table or couch). I’m a first child and hated being siloed in my room. My sister needed peace and organization so she always did it at her desk in her room.
Ideally, I will be turning our first floor playroom into a music/homework room when the kids reach middle school, and put computer desks in there. We are a firm “no screens in bedrooms” family, so any computer work will be done in this area. I’ll also assemble a “caddy” with pens, calculator, scrap paper, whatever that they can use to set up where they want. As long as the table is cleared for dinner, I really don’t care where they want to do it, and it will probably look different for each child.
Anon318 says
I could have written this about my own experiences! I had a desk in my room growing up, but generally did homework in the kitchen. Especially in late middle/high school I didn’t spend much time at home between school, extra-curricular activities and sports. Doing homework in the kitchen meant I could chat with my mom while she made dinner or play scrap paper basketball with my siblings. Those are fond memories! My elementary-aged kids typically do homework at the kitchen island for now and we keep a caddy of pencils on the counter.
Anon says
I have two first graders. They both have desks in our living room (they share a bedroom that is not big enough for 2 desks), which is where we’d prefer they do their homework. Twin A does hers lying on the floor of the living room 70% of the time, at her desk 10% of the time, and at the dining table 20% of the time. Twin B does hers almost exclusively at the dining table.
OP says
i also have twins and HW begins next year in 1st grade, which is why I am asking. they currently share a room. seems like maybe we just see how it goes and go from there. we currently have two playrooms and i like the idea of one day converting one to a HW room bc i also dont want them using computers in their bedrooms.
Anon says
It’s probably easiest to just wait and see how it pans out in the fall, e.g. can they do their homework in the same room or do they need to be separated, do they need to be in the same room as you so you can help, etc.
Anon says
Ker has one math worksheet a night, and typically one book assigned a week (the latter has disappeared as the year comes to a close). I encourage him to do it at aftercare, but he prefers to do it after dinner.
3.5-year-old has also started requesting “homework”, so when he does, we use that time to practice tracing letters and drawing shapes…and somehow I end up drawing a lot of non-circle shapes…
Anon says
*Ker does it on our kitchen island after dinner
AwayEmily says
It’s interesting to hear so many early elementary kids having homework…mine are in K and 2nd and have never had any homework (yet!).
anon says
we chose our school in part because it does not give homework until 6th grade, and then it is a very minimal amount that ramps up slowly. So nice!
Anon says
I understand no homework in K-2, but none until sixth grade seems really excessive to me. How do they learn? I can see how it would work for very bright, self-motivated kids, but that’s not most kids.
Anon says
I think 6th is way too late to introduce HW! My kids were working on long term projects by 3rd grade and learned good habits about pacing the work, working on things bit by bit, and finally bringing it all together for a project.
Likewise – do they have tests they have to study for? I would think that if there is no HW it would be hard to get kids to buckle down and study for a test as they’re not used to taking the time for school work after school.`
anon says
the school’s position is that 7 hours a day in school is plenty of time to teach them the material, and that what children do outside of the school day is up to the parents, not the school. There is very low tolerance for anything that would disrupt the school day so the time is well-spent. 100% of students take AP or AP-level classes and typically do quite well, lots of CLT regional scholars every year.
Anon says
How do they learn? They have 8 hours in school and can work on projects and drilling facts there. Children learn best through play; movement and rest recharge the brain and help cement memories/learning, and the exploring and creativity that happen organically in children’s play reinforce a lot of academic concepts.
We need to expand our definitions of learning and reacquaint ourselves with what childhood should look like! I’m not opposed to light weekly homework to start building routines in grades 2/3 and up, but anything that takes more than 30 min per week in elementary school is too much.
Anon says
Our school starts homework in K “to build good study habits”. I don’t love it, especially because it’s just repeating worksheets they’ve already done once at school so my kids find it super boring. At least in 1st grade we’re getting it as a weekly packet so my kids just spend 15 minutes on Monday night completing it for the week, whereas in K they came home with a worksheet each day that had to go back the next morning and some nights even sitting down for 3 minutes to do it was a challenge.
Anon says
That’s annoying. They are already working on building so many habits during the school day. No kindergartner is benefiting from establishing “study habits”. Sounds like an exercise in frustration when what the kids really need is playtime
Anon says
I thought I would hate it, but I actually think it’s been good for my kindergartner. It’s once a week so it doesn’t interfere with daily life and I think it’s good for her to get in the habit of doing homework. I also think it’s helped with substantive academics. She’s not naturally inclined to practice reading so being forced to do some reading on worksheets has been helpful, even if it’s only a few pages a week.
SC says
Mine is in 2nd, and the teacher sends home a math packet and an ELA packet every Monday, to be returned on Friday. I like that the packets are weekly because it does seem to build study habits but gives flexibility on days where we have appointments or activities, and it introduces some time management concepts. He’s also supposed to read for 20 minutes per day.
A few times this year, DS has had to write book reports. In the fall, he needed a lot of help from us. By this spring, he was writing them pretty independently. He is diagnosed with dysgraphia, so the level of support he needed may have been more than his peers.
Anon says
HW starts at our school in first grade; its targeted to be 20-30 mins a day. Mostly seems to be work sheets, spelling work sheets, and reading time (book of choice). Occasionally there is something social studies related or working on part of a larger project, but that’s not very common until 3rd grade.
Kids do their HW right after school at the desk in their bedrooms (or rather, somewhere in their bedrooms – I think they mostly lie on the floor but they do each have their own desk). Our only rule with HW is to do it right when we get home before they go out to play and that if it’s taking more than 40 minutes (of actual effort, not distracted “effort”) we let them stop and tell their teacher why it’s not done. As they get older, we phase this out – HW naturally takes longer by then. I otherwise try to be as hands off as possible, unless they ask for help.
Kids go to aftercare for ~30-45 minutes after school. Aftercare is entirely outdoor play, unless its below freezing or raining so they get a break, and get to run around and get energy out. They also get a snack at aftercare. Then they come home and do HW while I make dinner.
SC says
My son is in 2nd grade. DS does his written homework at the kitchen table. At this age, I think the kitchen table works well. It has fewer distractions than his room or playroom, and DH or I can easily help if he asks.
He also is supposed to read for 20 minutes a day, and he reads all over the place depending on his mood that day–couch, outside hammock, blanket basket in the corner of the living room, his bed, our bed.
Anonymous says
Our district prohibits homework so…nowhere. In 6th they get a decent amount and they do it in their rooms at their desks.
My younger kids it would be kitchen table but all they are “assigned” is 20 min of reading which they do at bedtime.
Anon says
I missed the deadline to submit a claim for the Dependent Care FSA. $5000 gone. I feel so stupid.
Anon says
Don’t feel bad. I’ve 100% done the same. I actually opted out of using it after that – I realized if I couldn’t handle the admin burden, it wasn’t worth it. The good news is that it still reduces your taxable income.
Anon says
Don’t feel bad. I got a notification from HR that in my 10+ years of employment at this company, I apparently never designated a beneficiary to my 401k. I mean luckily it’s neve been needed, but I’m the type of person who’s always on top of things personal finance in our home. So this feels like a blunder.
Anon says
The default is your spouse so unless you want someone else that’s not really a big deal.
Anon says
Thanks! I did sort of wonder given I also have estate planning in place that calls out my 401k account and it’s beneficiaries. But hopefully the correction just makes things easier if something happened to me. :)
Anon says
Ugh I’m sorry. The use-it-or-lose-it nature of the DCFSA is frustrating, and is the main reason my husband and I opted out of it after the daycare years. We still have significant childcare expenses, but we don’t hit $5k anymore, and our expenses could theoretically go to zero on short notice, so it just seemed like too big of a gamble to put money in there that we couldn’t access if we didn’t have sufficient expenses. During daycare years I submitted the reimbursements every month to avoid an issue like this (and also to get the money faster because the interest on $5k is not insignificant, especially right now).
NLD in NYC says
You’re not alone. One year I thought DH and I could both sign up for DCFSA. I ended up giving a $5K donation to my employer. Sigh.
Anon says
Wait, you can’t both do it? Good to know since we’re planning to explore it this year…
NLD in NYC says
In 2021 the limit was raised to $10K, however it returned to $5K the following year. You and your spouse could split it, $2500 from each, however $5K is the currently limit per household (assuming you’re married filing jointly)
Anon says
Thanks! Good to know. In our VHCOL area, we’ll hit that 5K in two months with infant daycare. *cries*
Anon says
You can both do it, but the shared limit is $5k. So you can do $2500 and $2500 or $1000 and $4000 but you can’t both contribute >2500.
Anonymous says
Ugh that’s the worst feeling. I once contributed three max amount to an HSA and then left the company three months later, not realizing the company keeps that money (please don’t argue that I was entitled to the money: I was not. I checked). OP, it might be worth asking HR, or whomever the HSA is with if there’s anything they can do. Probably not but asking is free.
Anon318 says
I’m so sorry!! Our HR director was a great mentor to me as I transitioned to motherhood and she recommended saving receipts all year, then requesting reimbursement at the beginning of November as a holiday present/travel slush fund. I thought this was brilliant – I never forget because early November is when I typically start gift shopping and making concrete travel plans.
Anonymous says
That’s more or less what I do.
NLD in NYC says
I do something similar, though I roll it into child’s 529 plan. Feels like I’m avoiding the tax man lol.
Anon says
I reimbursed ASAP, but this is a good strategy too — the end-of-year cash outflow is real.
Anon says
Ugh I’m sorry. I did the same when I left my job. I didn’t realize I had a 30 day limit from end of employment. You aren’t alone. I was really unhappy because I get paid chump change as a public interest lawyer so it was a significant cut of my paycheck. Some employers will return it to you but mine didn’t.
Anon says
Ugh, I’m so sorry. This won’t help you now, but I would try reaching out directly to the company who manages for DCA account and ask them if they have the option to use debit cards. I use mine to pay daycare/summer camp/after school programs directly so I never have to deal with the reimbursement runaround.
Anon says
Hey hive. I posted yesterday about my almost 3.5 year old in speech. Yesterday was just a hard day – I have two lovely, healthy, happy but very different kids and sometimes it just wears on me. I think I made the mistake of looking at old videos of Kid #1 on my phone at Kid #2’s age and was just like…wow they are so different!
My oldest is generally rule following, has always been highly verbal, etc. My youngest is just a kid that pushes back more, is spicy and also very sparkly/charming, not as verbal, etc. We still deal with the occasional food throwing with Kid #2. They even play differently – Kid #1 loved playing with trucks and dinosaurs, while Kid #2 would rather nest his stacking blocks, or do some type of puzzle.
Kid #2 also just had a harder start to life – he was born on the earlier side (not preemie)/was a smaller baby, had some minor delays that we addressed (e.g. walked at 19 months) or are in the process of addressing (speech), etc. So I also feel like I was on high alert for him for a long time, which recently subsided, but has kind of picked up again for no actual reason. Kid #2 has made such great progress since he started speech therapy ~6 months ago – he pulls 3-5 word sentences together, his articulation has improved SO much in a relatively short time frame.
Anyway, I just want reassurance that Kid #2 will be…OK, I guess? Anyone else have a similar dynamic with their kids? How do you help manage your own emotions around it? (Yes I’m in therapy, thankfully).
anon says
My 2 are very different as well. I have to be really conscious about comparisons, both from others and myself. A great example is rearing its head this week. #1 refused to participate at all in soccer at age 4. We later realized this was part personality but also part of ADHD/motor processing challenges. #2 has soccer starting this week, at the same age, and she’s already had me “coach” her “practice” and is thrilled. She legitimately is already trying so many skills. #1 watched us practice from afar, playing with his tools. It takes a lot to keep reminding yourself to meet the child where they are and to foster THEIR interests at THEIR pace, not what you want them to be/do. It can be really mind blowing just how very different siblings are in both development and interests! Their speech development was also wildly different. Kiddo #1 had a rough transition to kindgergarten, but now at the end of the year it is amazing to look back on and see how much he’s done. Easier said than done, but trust yourself that you’re doing all you can (like being proactive on speech therapy!) for your kids and setting them up for success!
Anon says
i have fraternal twins who are SO different, one prefers chocolate, one prefers vanilla. both were premies, but only one spent time in the NICU. the other one actually has fine/gross motor difficulties, sensory challenges and likely adhd. one eats very neatly, while the other one gets as messy as she did at age 2. it is SO hard sometimes and not necessarily the way i imagined parenting twins would be. for me the hardest part is parenting them each the way they need to be parented, which is complicated by the fact that they are the same age so it is harder for them to understand. one has always been more into pretend play, while the other likes puzzles. also having twins really has taught me that there is such a wide range of normal i know this is cliche, but comparison is the thief of joy. kids are all different.
Anon says
I had the spicy kid as my first and only, so I never got the comparison with an easy kid, which maybe makes things easier. Although I did experience it with close friends’ easy first kids and it was a little vindicating when they had harder kids the second time around and realized I wasn’t actually a crappy parent. But yes your kid will be ok! 3 was my least favorite age. 4 was much better and 5 was better still.
OP says
Solidarity. 3 has been my least favorite age with both kids, even my “easy” first. 2 is cute, 4 is fun, but 3 – eeek. Like why does my 3 year old ALWAYS try to skip washing his hands and we argue EVERY TIME? He’s also started telling me “shhh!”, which…I know my immigrant parents would have never had this problem…
And in hindsight (albeit it was the COVID years, so way less interaction with others), I was probably a bit of a POOPCUP with my first kid…
Anon says
If it helps, I have the same dynamic between my kids, who are now 9 and 11. My super hard toddler is now 9 and playing a travel sport in a super competitive location (this board hates on travel sports, especially baseball, but travel baseball has been a true gift for a kid who genuinely loves the sport, wants to be moving most of the day, and can harness his focus like a super power in baseball). He also still throws food at dinner (kidding, a little, but his restraint collapse at night leads to some pretty messy eating – I’ve mostly learned to let it go, or we fight the whole meal), but a neighbor out of the blue texted me yesterday to tell me my kid is the most polite kid she’s ever had in her house. He will be/is a great athlete, but couldn’t handle organized sports until 6. Definitely wouldn’t have been able to do baseball at age 3.5, and he is now pitching in a league with kids three years older than him. He has played an instrument for 4 years, and after a lot of years of getting through it, he’s finally starting to sound really good.
Everything he’s done has been self-directed. He’s still my harder kid, but it’s really fun to see him harness some of the perceived limitations to excel. If I need help around the house, he’s the first kid to put his hand up to help me. My older, more thoughtful child (who sounds very similar to your #1) is still far more hands off from a parenting perspective, but they are both thriving in very different ways.
OP says
This super resonated. Between the two my younger is 100% the HELPER and very self directed (e.g. tries to pour the pitcher of water in dog’s bowl, tries to help me unload groceries) whereas my Kid #1 often cannot handle most extra tasks without whining (It’s too heavy!!!!! Bruh, I’m asking you to hold a folder).
Also, we are currently very low activity family, but I firmly believe if the club sport is benefiting the child and the kid WANTS to go and the family can swing it/is all onboard, it’s a great thing. I’ve definitely kept my mind open to it for Kid #2 who may not be the homebody Kid #1 is.
Anon says
Love that!! Pre-kid, and then while being a POOPCUP to a 3 year old who played quiet imaginary games by herself, I believed that “kids these days” are all over scheduled, and they just need to go play in the woods more. That is probably true, certainly, for some kids, but then I had a kid who really struggled to fill endless downtime, and whose body needs structured physical activity to feel regulated and calm.
Anon says
one thing my dad recently said to me is that you have to parent the kid(s) you have, not the kid(s) you wish you had/thought you would have. i keep trying to remind myself of this an dtry to meet my kisd where they are
GCA says
This. Parent the kid you have. What helps me is that mine are so different – quirky, advanced, behind, verbal, physical, etc in such different ways – that it’s basically impossible to compare. Each kid is a different small person, not mini-mes or echoes of each other, and it sounds like OP needs to find peace with that. She worries that #2 is behind in some way, but I don’t think it can all be chalked up to his harder start to life – some of this really is just going to be kid temperament, personality and abilities.
Anonymous says
Um yes? I think you’re really overthinking this. My second is my challenging kid but he’s almost 5 now and so funny and sweet and makes friends wherever he goes. He’s still in speech but making great progress. 3.5 is a hard age no matter what, you’ll probably be looking at a near different kid in a year.
Anon says
Meh. This is an exceptionally common thought process, and I’m surprised by your reaction that she is overthinking.
Anonymous says
Yeh but to repeatedly post to online strangers…I’d call that overthinking
Anon says
How do you know this person posted repeatedly?
Anon says
Yeah, there have been dozens of posts about this. I’m glad OP is in therapy, but I think saying she’s overthinking it is fair.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
It’s an online, anonymous forum. No biggie to me if folks re-post if it makes them feel better to get reassurance and isn’t hurtful.
Anon says
I always find it so interesting when posters know or recognize repeat posters, especially when they aren’t posting under a handle. I’ve never picked up on someone posting something dozens of times, but I probably don’t read here enough to commit it folks’ families or situations to memory.
Anon says
I get this with my 3rd kid, who is 4. With my two older children, at/around age 4, both had these dynamic little personalities and were thriving in their own ways (but in very different areas). One was extremely social, smart, with a dramatically high EQ. She didn’t (and still doesn’t) love organized activities, but she was a pleasure to take places, and was just a super fun kid to be around – chatty, personable, and outgoing. My second child was much more high energy and more mischievous, but was already loving and excelling at any sport or physical activity we put him in. My third is like a combination of both of them — but not in either thing that they were thriving in (said with all the love) !! He’s super mischievous/active, but doesn’t make friends well and hates any kind of activity we’ve put him in. He is generally behind in any measurable respect from where the older kids were at age 4, and we have NO idea what his future/path might look like, which was definitely not the case with my two older kids (when I feel like we could already kind of tell the paths that the kids were on)!! We love him dearly, and he’s a totally different cat than either of his siblings!
shopping help says
Shopping help! DD’s friend is turning ten and wants a Snoopy related gift. DD is NOT into snoopy or cartoon characters or things of that nature. Any good ideas? She asked me to search around after getting the Snoopy intel!
anon says
I’ve found some cute snoopy stuff at the physical Hallmark stores!
Anon says
I vote for Snoopy snow cone machine. It’s pretty classic. It’s also perfect for summer coming up.
Anonymous says
A Snoopy snow cone machine!!! I’m 47 and still want one.
Anon says
maybe im a grinch, but someone just gave my kids a snow cone machine for their bday (not snoopy) and i dont really want it in my house.
NYCer says
Snoopy beach / tote bag and beach towel?
Cb says
Uniqlo has kids snoopy tops! They are very cute.
OP says
Oh I’m loving these!
OP says
thanks all! going to run these ideas past her – these are great.
anon says
My 10 year old is really testing our patience this week. She has had a few long days at school recently to attend afterschool activities. She behaves differently after these long days with friends, lots of attitude towards us (parents and sibling), not helpful at home, just a bummer/grump who lacks empathy. I’m not sure how to help these situations. We have talked to her about how her words and actions effect us. She is not super outward with loving emotions to begin with and has a younger sibling who is very loving, helpful, and eager to please, which only causes her to bristle more. Here’s an example: she asked for help with homework this morning (doing it late bc of afterschool activity) then got super mad when we tried to walk her through it. She said she just wanted the answer not help because that makes her feel like a baby. Umm, huh? I’m not about to give answers. Help! Commiseration! Strategies! Anything!
Anon says
I just finished 1-2-3 Magic and am responding through that lens. It sounds like explaining why what she’s doing is harmful to others isn’t working – the author says it usually doesn’t. The counting technique with a 10-minute timeout if she reaches 3 might work for you.
Anonymous says
A 10-year-old is a little old for a timeout I think. OP, maybe she is just tired and has used up all of her niceness/social energy when hanging out with her friends a lot? If you can step back from trying to correct her behavior or worrying that you need to turn her into a nice person, what do you think she needs – maybe just some space? More sleep? I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to make her a nice person, but I personally find sometimes I overreact to my son having negative emotions in ways that are not ultimately helpful. So this morning, when she got mad, what if you said, “well, I can’t just give you the answer, so let me know if you need anything else from me” and walk away. You could try talking to her about it more when she is calmer, but you aren’t going to get anywhere when she’s already upset.
Anon says
1-2-3 Magic is meant to last through the teen years. I know others have written good things about it here – did you find it actually worked with older kids?
Anon says
Yeah, agreed. My 11 year old would viscerally react to being put in a timeout (would 100% make her feel like a baby), which would lead to SO many more power struggles. Channeling the great Meghan Leahy here (who has been a gift for both of my kids), I’d try policing her emotions a little less, while trying to get a better hold of her schedule so her tank isn’t totally empty. Also, sort of the opposite of a time out, when my kids aren’t in a great mental space, but need to get something done, I try to make myself scarce until it’s over. So, they can do the dishes, and I will escape to another room until they are done. Again, similar to when I had an overtired toddler, trying not to have to escalate unless I absolutely have to.
Anon says
I have an 11 year old, and I usually back way off if I find we are in one of these cycles. I remind myself I can’t police her moods. We try not to overtalk it bc it doesn’t help, just remind her she doesn’t have to like doing her jobs, but she has to be respectful in how she talks to us. So, it’s fine to grump about doing the dishes, not okay to make mean comments to us about it. If she veers into unkind territory, I just say “respect, please.” and drop it/leave/remove myself from the situation.
I also go back to her toddler years, and remember the screaming fests she had when she was hungry and tired and try to stay ahead of it. Also, I know how this sounds, but we don’t help with homework …. it just leads to fights. We have a tutor who comes once a week to help with questions (and she saves up a lot of her work for this evening), and otherwise, we have her dial a friend if she needs help when the tutor isn’t there. On balance, I have a great, tight, fun relationship with her.
Anonymous says
I mean it sounds like she’s very clearly telling you via her behavior that she needs some downtime and her current schedule is too full. Imagine working 8hrs then having a sport then having more work. I’d be in a bad mood too. She’s only 10.
Anon says
We try to keep consistent boundaries re attitude. We’re happy to help if our DD, but we aren’t going to be treated poorly while helping her. We’ll say something like: Hey, that isn’t a nice way to talk to us. Let us know when you’re ready to be kind and we’re happy to help you. Then we wait for her to come around and be mentally ready. Sometimes it takes several tries.
We also try to give her some control over her schedule when it gets really busy and let her skip things if it’s too much. She does need downtime. But she has gotten better at knowing when she just needs to make it through a busy night and she’ll have downtime the next day. We’ll also proactively plan for homework so she knows when she has time to get it done and also time to rest. Talking it out really helps it all feel less overwhelming for her.
Anonymous says
This. I think the 10yr old needs an option of skipping stuff. May is crazy with way too many end of year events. It’s like the holidays – everyone ends up in a bad mood
Anon says
I’ll add that sometimes I’ll also say something like, “Right now I’m trying my best as a mom to be patient, kind and supportive even though [I’m not good at teaching math/tired from work/super busy making dinner]. Are you trying your best as a daughter?”
It can help her understand where I am mentally so we can see each other’s perspectives.
Anon says
My husband was traveling for work last week, and I lost my temper with my son over something stupid I now cannot remember. I finally said, “I’m trying to do the best I can right now.” And he goes “I am too.” And then we both cried, and felt better afterwards.
Anonymous says
Just let her live. She’s tired and grumpy. Which is normal.
Anon says
We say that you’re allowed to be grumpy at a situation, but not towards people. Basically that the kids can’t take out their moods on people (or object – no slamming doors or throwing things). You don’t have to be happy, but you do have to be considerate. And, if you’re not going to be considerate you can go do XYZ in your room and come back out when you’re ready to be kind. This isn’t an official timeout, but I’m also not going to subject the rest of your family to your moods. If the attitude is at a meal, then you can go eat in the other room if you’re not ready to be kind.
We actually still do official timeouts (to their rooms) for bad behavior / total disrespect / doing something they’ve just been told not to do. If its an interpersonal conflict between the kids, I generally let them work it out on their own at this age. Or, if they just will not stop I’ll separate them but not timeout (someone go play in the basement, someone go play outside… or I’ll threaten that if they can’t play nicely together then I can give them a chore to do). But, for disrespect / rudeness to adults, older kid tantrum like behavior, or continuing to do something they’ve been told not to do, then I will send them to their rooms. These are different than the “come back when you’re ready to behave” because I will tell them to go to their room until I come and get them.
If they get an official or unofficial timeout while doing a chore / helping with something, I make them finish the task when they’re done with timeout. We found out the hardway that our middle kid would misbehave on purpose while doing chores to get sent to their room to get out of chores, so now the chore goes on hold until they’re done.
SC says
My son is a little younger (9), but we’ve had a rough month. I think a lot of it is “fun” end-of-school-year disruptions, plus longer days and more activities.
We’re trying to focus on meeting his needs–rest, nutrition, understanding upcoming changes in routine, connection with us. We’re correcting only the behaviors that truly need correction (which are plentiful right now). We’re honestly not making him do his normal chores or expecting him to be extra helpful. He just needs to clean up his own messes (also plentiful) and cooperate with the normal morning and bedtime routines.
We had a similar homework issue a few nights ago, where he was frustrated and would not accept help. DH argued that it’s not acceptable to skip problems on homework. I argued that a child not “getting it” after the teacher’s classroom instruction and his parents’ best efforts is a sign that he needs more help from the teacher in that area. I eventually asked DS to write “I need help” instead of the answer to that problem, and he was OK with that. Hopefully, the teacher caught that and went over it again in class, but I don’t actually know.
Anonymous says
I’m 9 weeks pregnant and constantly either hungry or nauseous. This morning I had a bowl of cheerios (7:30), then a yogurt (9), now I’m making a smoothie (10:45). Any tips on how to stay fuller longer and not feel sick?
Anon says
This sounds like me during first-second trimester. I had to REALLY front load my eating to stem the nausea, and this often looked like three meals by noon. I’d also have more traditional “lunch foods” that tended to keep me fuller than just breakfast foods (looking at you, plate of bagel bites at 10am).
I ended up gaining weight very steadily at the outset because of this (and freaked a little), but now in the third trimester when my nausea is handled by Unisom and my eating patterns are more standard I haven’t gained any weight in 6 weeks, so it stabilized and I am still within the recommend amount
Anon says
12 weeks pregnant and that was really weird for me too – I used to never snack in the morning and then with pregnancy I could NOT make it to lunch without 1-2 snacks. I seemed to have a bit more luck with protein – I switched to lattes instead of Americanos and choked down Greek yogurt. Didn’t always taste great but I found that it was usually better to get it down.
Anonymous says
You need protein and fat, but eat whatever you can stomach. Hunger can make you feel nauseous, so it is very confusing. I just ate constantly.
Anon says
With my morning sickness I found that I had to be eating or I felt awful. I would slowly munch a giant bag of baby carrots as I worked. I ate a ridiculous amount of carrots but it kept my stomach settled.
Anon says
Feeling fuller longer kind of goes out the window in early pregnancy. At least for me it did. I needed to eat smaller amounts of food in much shorter intervals in early pregnancy to stave off the nausea. Try to balance eating what you can stomach with fat/protein.
Vicky Austin says
Honestly I think that’s just how it is – I had to eat constantly too. Eat protein when you can.
Anonymous says
For me the key was protein; carbs made me barf. Cheese sticks and nuts were my go-to snacks. I also ate a lot of eggs with cheese.
Anon says
I found drinking metamucil to be helpful for that. Plus it has other benefits.
Anon says
You need more protein/fat. Look for foods that have a lower glycemic index. For me, I found that if I ate something right when I woke up instead of waiting until I was hungry, I could get ahead of the nausea. Also, if I was really nauseous, sometimes, I would eat a few crackers to settle my stomach before eating something more protein heavy. Things that worked for me: egg bites/frittatas from the grocery store (like the Starbucks brand or other frozen ones) or a protein shake. You might also want to try yogurt + nuts/chia seeds etc., adding nut butter to your smoothie, etc. I follow prenatal nutritionist on instagram, and she has other good high protein breakfast ideas that are reasonable things to implement. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Might repost tomorrow for more eyeballs, but I’m having a really hard time with my mom who has been splitting her time between my city and hers, but recently moved here full time. She expects to have near-constant access to my kids, and makes plans with them directly and then gets annoyed when I tell her the plans don’t work for us. Recent example, but not the only incident: she planned to take one of my kids to a museum on Saturday. I told her that wouldn’t work because the kid has a play date on Saturday. She asked when the play date started and told me she’d have the kid home by the start time. I said that wouldn’t work because I wanted the kid to help clean up before the play date, and said kid also has an extracurricular afterwards and museum outing + play date + activity seemed like too much for one day. She acted all injured and offended and like I was being so unreasonable for not letting her see my kids when all I said was she has to find a different day for this outing. It’s irritating and feels really disrespectful to my right as a parent to make decisions for my kids.
But I’m not sure how to draw boundaries. My kids are crazy about her and are delighted to see her every day and spend the better part of every weekend with her, and my husband loves outsourcing all our childcare and doesn’t want me to tell her to back off. I feel like an a-hole because I’m the only one bothered by this level of involvement, but it feels so suffocating to me.
Anon says
It will be hard to change your mom, but could you teach your kids to check with you? “Grandma, that sounds fun but I need to check the schedule with Mom!”
Mary Moo Cow says
How long has she been splitting her time and how long as she been in your city full time? How old are your kids? And what was your system before she moved? If the old system was working for you both — like, if it was you only needed 2 days notice or you were happy to have her wrangle the toddler for the better part of the weekend, and now, right after she moves, you need a week’s notice, she’s probably feeling like you pulled the rug out from under her and maybe questioning why she moved. If the old system was that she needed to make plans through you and you needed a week’s notice, then she’s probably acting out of her own feelings about moving — because it’s an adjustment for her, too.
My in-laws are in town and it’s an ever evolving processes of boundaries as our kids get older and needs/wants change. I’ve found I can’t have one conversation with the 4 adults laying out what the expectations are and then everyone abides and it’s rainbows and unicorns. Instead, it’s occasional, “this is what we need now” or “based on Dad’s health, we need to scale back childcare,” etc.
Anon says
I live in the same city as my very-involved Mom, and she doesn’t do this, so I’ll let others chime in with reccos.
I do feel you that my DH sometimes is quick to default to my Mom (who is so generous with her time/never has said no to anything/I also make sure we don’t 100% rely on her), and it does often annoy me.
To be fair, when my MIL is around, he also is quick to default to her, which also annoys me because she often “forgets” things and I have to delicately insert myself but also not make her feel like she’s done anything wrong because then she clams up…like yes, you as a 70+ year old woman may not be hungry at 11:45 AM, but two kids here will need lunch (and will be cranky if not fed), even if they say they’re not hungry yet…
Anonymous says
I hope you internet strangers will indulge me.
My oldest child turns 13 today. He was born 9 weeks early, after a difficult pregnancy. He spent 5 weeks in the NICU. When I was pregnant and then after, when I spent all day and all night in the NICU with him, I would fixate on getting him to his teenage years. That was the beacon I’d chosen, for whatever reason, and it was part of the serious PPD and postpartum anxiety struggle to find an arbitrary point after which “things would be okay.”
So today he’s 13. And he’s healthy and happy, doing so well. I’m overcome with gratitude for the doctors and nurses, for the neighbors and family and friends who helped me and my whole family.
Thanks for letting me leave this here.
Anonymous says
Aww so happy for all of you and glad he’s happy and thriving! 13 is such a big milestone.
Anon says
Thank you for sharing this. I’m tearing up. You should be so, so proud of yourself and your son.
I am the poster asking “Will my kid be ok?” upthread, and this really helps to read. I will remember this.
Vicky Austin says
My goodness, thank you for sharing, and congratulations on getting to this point. I hope your kiddo has a wonderful birthday and you celebrate yourself a little too.
Anon says
Awwwww, this made my heart swell and eyes tear up. Congratulations, you did it!!!
anon says
That’s a huge milestone! Big hugs to you, mama!
Spirograph says
Happy birthday to your son, and thanks for posting this! It’s wonderful that you have so much to be grateful for, and are reflecting on & sharing all the love you got along the way. It made me stop and think of how much goodness surrounds me, too. <3
Betsy says
That is truly amazing. There is something very special about reaching the milestones you worried you wouldn’t get to. I wish the version of you 13 years ago could catch a glimpse of where you are now!