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Anon says
Has anyone else been pregnant with a chronic condition that requires medication where “it is unknown if this is harmful in pregnancy?” I have to take it and my doctors are like “it’s ok but really we don’t know much!” and it stresses me out. I’m worried it’s going to cause birth defects or some other problem. I’ve done my own research and literally the ONLY available peer-reviewed article for my medication during pregnancy has a sample size of 9.
I’m really resenting pregnant women (and women in general) being excluded from clinical trials today. I understand why, but it does have costs. Sigh.
Anonymous says
That probably means it is fine but they haven’t proven it.
Anon says
Yep. Everything was fine with the pregnancy and birth although I think there’s still the potential for complications down the road.
anon says
Speaking from my former life as a chemist, they do a lot of research about how a drug is likely to work before ever starting human trials. I would be scared like you, but if you need the drug you need the drug.
Anon318 says
Pharma R&D strategist weighing in – have you checked the prescribing information for data from animal maternal/fetal toxicity experiments? These results are typically extremely highly correlated with human outcomes and developers typically have to complete these studies prior to approval. If all is well there, I would rest easy. You can also find more information in the drug’s summary basis for approval on FDA’s website. If you want to post the drug name I’m happy to take a look for you.
Anon says
That’s so kind of you. I’d prefer not to post the name because it’s for a rare condition (that might actually out me), but where would you find the prescribing information with animal data? From the manufacturer’s website?
Anon318 says
For an easy to read copy of the prescribing information, use DailyMed (dailymed [dot] nlm [dot] nih [dot] gov or just search dailymed your-medicine-name).
You can also search the Drugs at FDA database (https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/cder/daf/index.cfm), but this will probably yield more information than you are looking for. If you go this route, you want to find the “Original approval” section and click the link titled “Review”. This will provide a summary written by FDA medical reviewers of the data included in the medication’s New Drug Application. Keywords to search are pregnancy, maternal, and fetotoxicity.
Anon says
Thank you!!!
Anon says
Is there a support group for your condition that you could ask to see if anyone’s taken it while pregnant? I’ve found that for my condition, Facebook has some very active groups with lots of pregnancy advice.
Anonymous says
You could call InfantRisk or look on their website. Just because there’s not been a major trial doesn’t mean people on the Rx haven’t inadvertently gotten pregnant and there may be additional research. I know InfantRisk focuses on nursing mothers (and I’ve called for that), but believe they also cover pregnancy research.
Anon says
This is helpful, thank you!
Cb says
Ugh, small town troubles. The kid who has gotten really physical with my son is in his beaver pack… I’m trying to reassure myself that the scouts probably tolerate less nonsense than the schools do?
Anonymous says
Honestly probably tolerate it more as it’s just run by parent volunteers who may have varying standards for behavior.
Cb says
We met the leader and she’s an older woman who seems pretty no nonsense. Apparently they have a 3 strikes policy for behaviour.
DH said drop off was very awkward, chatting with the mom of the kid after asking the school to take action.
anon says
If anything, you can keep a closer eye on things.
Anonymous says
Dam.
Cb says
I laughed…
Anon says
Probably best case scenario in my experience. Maybe the chance to get to know the parents in a way that isn’t possible at a school, and figure out if this is a fixable problem.
Cb says
It’s really odd… the mom is lovely, she’s a teacher, etc. and yet her kid is running around body slamming other children and saying he’s going to kill them.
Has the school told her this fact? Who knows?!
anon says
It’s really hard for parents to address issues that are happening at school if the school hasn’t told the parents what’s happening. Ask me how I know…
Anon says
That’s a good thing – you can talk to the mom directly, and probably get more traction than you will at school (at least in the US, they really don’t mention anything to parents).
anonM says
Also, even lovely moms have kids with challenges you don’t know the full scope of. OP obviously should prioritize protecting her kid, but just putting this out there because a lot of recent threads have had a tone of mom-shaming based on kid behavior in one part of life.
anon says
Yep, this. I can tell you that there are a lot of caring parents who have kids with behavioral or emotional issues. It doesn’t mean they don’t care or aren’t working on it, or believe their children can do no wrong. It is embarrassing to be the parent of a kid who struggles; ask me how I know. I am not down for parent shaming because it’s the opposite of helpful.
Anon says
yea kids are not robots and parents cannot have complete control over kids. obviously if my kid was behaving like that i would want to know, and i would try to get my kid the supports she needed to work on the behavior, but sometimes the loveliest people have kids with challenges and it’s not their fault.
anone says
Yes, I would bring this up nicely to the mom if you know them and ask if they can address it. I know I would certainly enforce whatever consquences I could at home for that kind of behavior like taking away priviliges etc, but I’m also not sure how effective it is. It’s truly mortifying to have your kid “be the bully” too..
Anonymous says
I would not bring it up with the mom. It will not change the kid’s behavior. She is already doing everything she wants to do and/or has the power to do to get her kid to behave. If she’s trying and failing because she’s a nice person with a bad kid, you will make your relationship with her awkward. Otherwise, you are likely to make the situation worse for your kid and possibly get the parents to behave aggressively towards you and your husband. Better just to be polite to the mom and continue demanding that the school address the problem in the classroom and on the playground.
Anonymous says
I would find a different pack or drop it. Scouts should be fun. And be “that parent” who complains to the school every. single. time. the kid touches or threatens your child. Eventually they will move your kid to a different class, because they won’t do anything to discipline or restrict the other kid. At least not in the US; maybe Britain has better policies and practices.
Mary Moo Cow says
My limited experience with Scouts (current Tiger parent) is that kids are more closely monitored because it’s smaller than a classroom. There are 4 kids in my daughter’s den, and even if they combine levels, it is only 8 kids for 1 or 2 parents. Leaders don’t tolerate misbehavior, and they can act on it swiftly because they see it. I hope your experience is the same. I will also say that this mom might not really know how her son behaves in a group, but perhaps she will, if she stays for some meetings. I would also not hesitate to bring it up with the pack leader because, as someone else said, Scouts should be fun and there is a lot of emphasis on being a good citizen in scouting (at least in the US version, and despite the affection for predator animal designations.)
Anonymous says
Can anyone recommend a podcast episode on complicated relationships with your parents and/or their unhealthy/unsafe behaviors as you get older/become a parent yourself? Some things that happened over the weekend have me looking for some outside perspectives on this.
Anon says
Not a podcast, but I recently read “adult children of emotionally immature parents” and it was helpful.
Anonymous says
Try Dear Therapists. I find their episodes always have some tidbit of helpful info even if the topic doesn’t seem like it would be applicable to your life.
anon says
Okay, this is a kind of weird question, but, I’m kind of weird ;). Educating myself and looking at resources for my LO, I keep finding lists/infograms/etc about autistic or 2E traits that seem to describe me and most of the people I care about. But on the other hand, most of my closest connections are through classically nerdy contexts– college study groups, DnD games, coworkers in IT. Are these lists just so general that everyone sees themselves?
anon says
Things like this: https://tendingpaths.wordpress.com/2022/08/24/autism-adhd-giftedness/
And this: https://craftythinking.com/female-autism-checklist/#:~:text=What%20is%20the%20female%20autism%20checklist%3F%201%20Escape,5%20Sensitivity%3A%20…%206%20Sense%20of%20self%3A%20
Anon says
Yes. Infographics and lists on social media will absolutely convince you that you have a disorder.
anon says
This. Unless you have an actual professional diagnosis and analysis, be extremely wary about taking a bullet-point list as proof that anyone, yourself included, is on the spectrum.
Anonymous says
Yes. Social contagion of mental health issues or neurodiversity is a real thing.
Anon says
+1.
Anonymous says
the important distinction is between do I ever do this vs. do I do this so much it affects my life. Autism and ADHD and the like can be tricky because everyone does some of the things some of the time. None of the behaviors are completely unique.
Vicky Austin says
This is a really helpful framing, thank you.
Anon says
It’s also fairly difficult to distinguish “sleep deprivation” from ADHD (though taking a history helps). Going on stimulants can be far from the ideal approach if what’s actually needed is better sleep quality or a CPAP machine!
I think in studies, self-diagnosis of autism is pretty accurate, but that may be only with reference to accurate information about autism (vs. whatever someone is saying on TikTok; I’m not sure!).
Anonymous says
My preschooler has picked up on the concept that feeling happy = good, and feeling anger or sadness is negative and to be avoided. So like when he’s doing something that’s not ok like hitting or breaking something or whatever, I try to use the script of “you’re feeling mad, it’s OK to feel mad but it’s not OK to hit” but then he just insists he’s feeling happy. He refuses to talk about being sad or mad at all. Is this something we can keep working on together, or should I get a therapist involved?
anon says
Sounds like my kid—I try to determine why she’s acting a certain way and tell her an appropriate way to react. Like: “It’s not OK to hit. If you want my attention, tap my arm and use your words.” If possible, I try to prevent the behavior by making sure she’s rested / fed / getting attention / not overstimulated. Ms Rachel has an episode on emotions that seems to resonate with her. Unless the preschool teachers have concerns, therapy seems a little extreme.
anone says
Any recommendations for finding accommodations for disney? How “worth it” is it to stay at polynesian or bay lake tower that are the closest to magic kingdom? Our kids will be 5 and 7 and we probably wont do the trip again but for a family of 4, we’re probably looking at like $10k for a week if we stay at these places vs taking a 20 minute bus ride to magic kingdom would save us maybe like $1-$2k..?
anonM says
Probably unpopular opinion, but not worth it unless your or your partner are Disney people who would want to go back to the hotel to rest/eat dinner and go back for the evening. Growing and now with my own kids, we stayed at locations not close to the park- about an hour or two drive. The kids didn’t know any different and it was great. (If you’re interested, we stayed in Cocoa Beach so spent more beach time/small pool at the AirBnB and only went to Disney one day.) Was great for us, but obviously every family does things differently!
Anonymous says
Yeah if she’s thinking a week in the Polynesian commuting two hours clearly is not her.
oil in houston says
we actually opted for an airbnb because I couldn’t stomach the price of the disney hotels! I splurged on the preferred parking to help cut time and walking, and I knew our 4 and 8 year-old would either not nap or be ok to nap in the stroller. Because of the age of the kiddos, I also knew the advance entry time wouldn’t be necessary, and instead I researched some blogs on visit strategies (yes, it’s a thing, and yes it saved us tons of time of queuing). I don’t regret our choice one bit!
Mary Moo Cow says
We went last year, when kids were 7 and 5. I think it is worth it to stay on the property, but whether it is worth it for a deluxe resort is family specific. It wasn’t for us; we stayed at Pop Century and the room was small and food court was the only option, but it served our needs. We were only there for 4 nights. My kids did want to come back to the hotel for an afternoon break and play in the arcade and on the playground, and the bus ride served as some extra downtime. Buses come pretty regularly and waits weren’t really bad. I mentally allotted some of the extra money we saved from not staying in a nicer hotel to a nice dinner (Sebastian’s Bistro!), breakfast at Ohana, and saying yes to a few more souvenirs for my kids. All told, for our family of 4, for flights, hotel, park tickets, meals, and souvenirs, it was about $6200, so not cheap, but we had a truly wonderful time and we also went in to it thinking we probably wouldn’t do it twice.
Anonymous says
We stayed at the Caribbean beach resort, and our kid’s favorite part was the skyliner ride to Hollywood Studios. The buses to the other parks are not bad at all either. I would say there’s a significant difference between staying at a Disney hotel versus outside the parks, but you don’t have to go all out for the ones closest to MK.
Anonymous says
My pick is a preferred room at Caribbean Beach. It’s newly renovated, feels like a destination, great pool, and pretty good transportation to parks.
Anonymous says
We stayed there and found the Disney transportation so slow that it was better to drive to the parks.
Anonymous says
We have been to Disney a few times now. We always stay at the Wyndham bonnet creek which is not disney property but VERY close (we have never done them is but I bet you could walk or Uber to the carribean and take the gondola). It’s about 20% the cost for 2-3x the space. We usually go for a week and do the parks for 2-3 days and just hang at the pool the rest of the time.
OP says
How do you get to the parks? Uber to one of the resorts and use the transportation options at contemporary etc?
Anonymous says
We usually rent a car, though they have a shuttle ($). You can also uber. We had kids and carseats and had a family of 6 (DH, our 3 young kids + my mom). We stayed in a 3BR suite with 2 baths and a kitchen than was way less than a tiny hotel on property.
I also have kids with dietary issues so we brought a bunch of food into the parks and didn’t rely on restaurants (though we did book a couple character meals etc).
If it was me and my 10 year old and we were going for 2 nights, I’d stay on site. On the monorail no question. But with a big crew including babies and kids who are DONE by dinner anyway, off site was easy. Heck the first time we went my kids thought MCO was Disney ;).
Anon says
We found it worthwhile to stay on Disney property to get early access to the parks, but didn’t find it worthwhile to stay at the Polynesian. It was expensive and still required taking Disney transportation to the parks, be it a monorail, bus or boat.
I’d recommend looking at the value resorts on the Skyliner. We found it relaxing to take the Skyliner back to the hotel with tired kids so we planned to end our days (post-mid day break) by stacking FPP at Epcot or HS and taking the Skyliner back to the hotel. We only did one evening at MK for the fireworks, and it’s a crush to leave post-fireworks even if you are going to the Polynesian.
Anon says
we are planning a first disney trip with twins almost age 6 and are splurging and staying at the grand floridian because we can walk to magic kingdom (with a stroller). i can imagine us maybe doing this trip once again in 5 years, but we most certainly do not envision ourselves making this a frequent trip. part of the reason we are splurging is up until this point every vacation we’ve taken with the kids has been to visit family, so we’ve never really had to pay for lodging and because all of our family lives flying distance away, we also don’t anticipate taking any near term vacations that require paying for lodging. maybe we’ll regret it and wish we’d stayed at a hotel with a better/fancier pool, but our thought is if we just wanted to go to a pool we don’t need to go to Disney. i don’t think there is a right/wrong answer . i do think it is worth it to stay on site.
Anon says
With kids that age I’d splurge for the Contemporary over the Grand Floridian. It’s a long walk to MK from the GF and will feel miles farther at the end of a long day.
anon says
We stayed at Animal Kingdom and really, really, really wish we stayed on monorail. The ride was 20 mins but omg the wait for the busses, and late night, post fireworks, def post bedtime — those minutes mattered. It’d be the one thing I’d change for next time (if there is a next time – we’re not wacky obsessed Disney people). FWIW, we have one kid and she was 4.5.
Anonymous says
Look into renting Disney Vacation Club points. The Points Guy has a good explainer on how to do it.
R says
Seconding this! Disney Tourist Blog also has lots of helpful info on this and everything else. I’ve rented points a few times to stay at deluxe hotels for less than the list price, plus you get a kitchenette which is helpful for quick breakfast in the room.
SC says
+1. My parents own vacation club points at Bay Lake. It’s so nice to have extra space and a kitchen! On our last trip, my mom and I woke up early in the mornings, had coffee together, and handled the Genie Plus nonsense. When we figured out our return times, we knew when to wake the rest of the family up. At night, my dad, husband and I stayed up watching basketball while my mom and my son went to bed. (Yes, I sleep less than everyone else.)
Bay Lake is also great for being a very short walk to and from Magic Kingdom! It’s probably 10 minutes from hotel to gate.
The views of the fireworks are also awesome! Last time we went, we had a view of the fireworks from our room, and that is very special and maybe worth the splurge once. (Then again, my parents own the points already.) But even if you don’t have a fireworks view, you can see them from the viewing area (with a bar) at the top of Bay Lake, or from the walkway to the Contemporary, or from the windows outside the elevator banks. Our schedule was typically to have dinner, return to the hotel for bath, pjs, and teeth brushing, and end the night with 9 pm fireworks at the hotel.
Anon says
This is the only post I’ve ever read about Disney that makes me want to go. Kidding, sort of – but if I were going to go to Disney, this is how I’d want to do it. Fireworks in bed sounds divine.
Toddling says
Favorite shredded meat recipes? My toddler devoured shredded chicken yesterday (chicken thighs with salsa/spices in the instant pot), so looking for more ideas!
OOO says
This sent me down an Internet rabbit hole of why pork is “pulled” and beef is “shredded”…
Toddling says
Haha you inspired me to do a search too. I’m also interested in pulled meat recipes!
Anonymous says
I do the freezer meals from fed and fit in my instapot!
DLC says
Butter Chicken! We use the internet famous recipe from two sleevers. Bonus that it makes enough sauce for a second meal.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I just want to HEAVILY ENDORSE this recipe. I make it on Diwali. And the extra sauce is such a great perk!
Anonymous says
Tips (or commiseration) for finding a part time nanny?
anon says
Local FB group. I find Care. com worthless.
Anon says
Just a vent and will take suggestions on prioritization.
Because of a long history of a toxic leader at my current job – I’m on a new team/new boss, both which are a huge improvement. But, with big deadlines + coming up to speed on new projects, this means long workdays and then night time. I don’t work weekends for my own sanity but feel like I’m behind come Monday (or Tuesday). I’m so exhausted by the pace and just burned out of being assessed. Yes, I’ve been looking for a new job, and have some leads, but I’m deeply concerned about starting over somewhere and being in this same work situation where it’s exhausting to ramp up.
Yes, I have a partner, and he’s does his equitable share of parenting/household crap, but he’s also BigLaw and going up for a promotion so is in the weeds with that through October.
I don’t want to leave the workforce. Taking a lean-out job would make me compromise on my salary which I don’t want to do; I don’t have some specialized skill where I can work 80% for 100% of pay. I don’t want to leave the workforce, so I kindly ask folks don’t suggest that.
Meanwhile I look at the stuff my kids need/could benefit from which would just require more time of a parent and I’d prefer not to outsource completely…maybe I’m overthinking the importance of some of these things…
– For older kid (5) – resuming swim lessons – he still needs a vest, which I don’t care about but maybe he’s too old? I just found a Saturday lesson at our JCC that works with schedules…
– for toddler + older kid – learning to ride a bike/trike (this may also be a product of it being too dang hot where we are for now)!
– 2.5 year old may be showing interest in potty training when we’d actually start, and preschool says kid doesn’t want to sit on the potty (which is consistent with their reaction at home).
– Older kid will start scouts soon which is 2x/month (DH will take the lead here where possible),
– Toddler has therapy (think PT, OT, or ST 2x/month)
And we outsource – grocery delivery, cleaning service, and have family + babysitter help on rotation.
Awayemily says
Just here to say that for many (though possibly not all) of these, the longer you wait the easier it will be. We didn’t get our oldest into swim lessons because of covid and other issues until she was 7. She learned to swim after four private half-hour lessons. Four! It was so fast! And I still haven’t gotten around to teaching my 5 and 7yo to ride a bike, but i’m optimistic it will be pretty straightforward. Childhood is not a race! It will all be okay.
Anon says
+1 to childhood not being a race and older kids learning things much more quickly.
My kid leaned to bike at a reasonably young age (just turned 5) but it was self directed. We still haven’t gotten her into swim lessons and likely won’t until fall of her first grade year when she’s 6. I assume she’ll learn quickly at that time and even if she doesn’t she’ll figure it out eventually. There’s a rat race culture with kids that I find very off-putting, but you can opt out.
OP says
Thank you. I think I needed this reminder to opt-out. I’ve never been one to keep-up-with-the-joneses, but I think recently I’ve “felt” more pressure – maybe it’s because of social media? Or maybe it’s just another reason I can be disdainful towards my job? Who knows. Thank you again for writing that.
Anon says
It’s hard, and I definitely feel some guilt that we haven’t found a way to do swim lessons yet. But I didn’t want to do it in fall of the kinder year, even though the transition has been smooth so far. If the transition has been tough, I would definitely not add additional activities. School and rest are the most important things.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Those are exhausting ages, especially with busy jobs. Can you hire a nighttime sitter/nanny to come 2-3 nights per week so you can focus on work or just taking time for yourself when less busy? You can outsource swimming and bike lessons, and neither has to learn that right now. My 7 year old took two bike lessons and picked it up quickly, and now is a pro at biking. The 5 year old will likely pick up swimming quickly in the next year. Therapy – is this at night or during the day? Any chance they can come to your house?
Anonymous says
I think it would help to have regularly scheduled babysitter time. Not as needed. Book them like two 4-8s a week, give your self
Some breathing room.
ANon says
first of all deep breath. secondly, some of this stuff requires a parent, but could be outsourced.
– ok, resuming swim lessons for example – first of all double check that your jcc actually offers lessons on saturdays bc i find that odd for a JCC, but we are about to reach the end of swim season (and i live in a warm weather place where we kind of swim 9 months of the year, but public pools aren’t open all year round), i would table this until March. i have 5 year old twins who swimming kind of clicked for this summer after spending a lot of weekend time in the pool where they were tall enough to stand. next spring/early summer i plan on putting them in some kind of two week swim intensive. could a babysitter or family member take kiddo to swim?
– i would also like for my 5 year olds to get more time on a bike and learn to ride a 2 wheeler, but it is still 100 degrees where we live and too hot so we’ll be waiting on that as well
– sounds like kiddo is not ready for potty training
– i have both kids in speech, one in OT and one in behavioral therapy, and my nanny takes them. (i am very grateful we can afford this option)
I think you are kind of creating some problems in your head – like swimming and biking i agree are life skills ,but that doesn’t mean they have to happen right now. wait until you have a little breathing room. it sounds like right now you are kind of in survival mode and that is ok. let go of the mom guilt. lean into easy meals, paper plates or whatever makes your life easier and revisit these things in a few months
Anonymous says
What is your question?
Swimming- important but unless you live in a warm climate, pool season is over. Resume these in the spring and do an intensive then.
Bike riding- if your kiddo is in K, now is a great time. Do this on weekends.
Generally, if you don’t want to step back or out of the workforce and your husband is in biglaw, you should get a nanny to take on some of this.
Anon says
I live in a cold climate but we have swim lessons year round in indoor pools. I despise going to the pool when it’s cold outside and have always done lessons in April-November, but I thought that was just a me thing. Most people I know seem to have their kids in swim lessons in the cold months.
Anonymous says
I posted the suggestion and I live in MA. You *can* do swim lessons year round but if the fear is active drowning, I’d just punt until spring when the kid is older and the weather is nicer. The older they are the taste they learn anyway.
OP says
Thank you, all. This is super helpful. DH is heading out of town in Mid-Sept for 2 weeks, and I do think I’ll book the babysitter for bigger chunks – I usually do one night of fam help (grandparent) + 1 night of baby sitter, but I think it’ll be mentally easier for me just to book the sitter for 2 nights, so then I have 3 nights covered. Also the transition to kinder has…not been easy on older kid – he’s a mess at wakeup and highly sensitive right now.
Re JCC – Our community center is not a JCC, but similar so I said “JCC” for ease. There’s a swim class late Saturday mornings I signed my older kid up for that magically synced with the times we’re already there – we do live in a warm weather climate where you can basically swim anytime except for a handful of months.
And yes, it’s TOO HOT here for biking in the evenings right now, and honestly we are in a beeline to bed right now by the time kids get home, dinner, cleanup, bath. Hopefully we have our last stretch of 100s this upcoming weekend. I think this is my own stuff because I didn’t learn to bike until close to HS. I love the idea of a bike coach! I may want to do it with older kiddo, haha!
I’ll just push off potty training – will keep offering the potty but leave it at that for a few months.
I’m not ready yet – emotionally – to outsource the therapy appointments, but it is something to think about as kid continues to progress. They are virtual but we are switching (finally) to an in-person/clinic setting.
I do think if DH gets this promotion, and if I keep my plan of earning a commensurate salary, we’ll have to seriously consider a nanny.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Your older kid sounds like my older kid with the K transition. My advice in that case is to not worry about bike riding or after school anything right now. Just get him fed and to bed asap. He really does have plenty of time to learn. If weekend swim lessons work for your schedule, great, but again, try not to stress too much. And yes, our bike riding teacher was amazing! So good with our kid, and kiddo really did pick it up quickly.
Anon says
are you my fellow HISD mom? we are right there with you in the kinder transition and school starts sooooo early in the morning. my DH is out of town all next week and right now he takes the kids to school so im in total survivor mode over the next two weeks. last night kids were up at 12:30, 1, 2 and 5. i’m hoping i dont crash on the way home from work. the only reason i am not totally drowning is that I work part time (I earn pennies), and we have a nanny. sometimes i feel very very spoiled for this arrangement, but we have no local family, DH works long hours/travels for work and I work for my sanity almost more than for a paycheck at this point, but i think there are other longer term benefits to me working
OP says
Not HISD, but similar climate :) We’d get out the door at 7:30-45 before, maybe even 8 if DH was on travel, and now getting out at 7:15 seems SO EARLY!
You shouldn’t feel guilty for finding what works for you. When I posted a while ago on the main s*te, I was told I should exit the workforce for a few years because my salary doesn’t matter compared to DH’s BigLaw earnings, which…nope. Anything can happen at anytime and I think preserving your sanity and ability to earn in a capitalist economy – whatever that looks like – is important!
Anon says
If it helps at all- our family’s personal calculations is that we can’t handle 2 big jobs + 2 kids in daycare/group child care. We realized we either needed to scale back on the jobs (in various iterations) or hire a nanny.
Anon says
Agreed. I think it’s an unpopular opinion, but I think it’s very hard to make two big jobs and two+ kids work. One parent’s career has to give. That doesn’t mean they leave the workforce completely, but they have to scale back to some degree. If your DH is up for partner (?) in Big Law, that will have to be you.
Anonymous says
This. It’s next to impossible to make even two normal full-time jobs work once the kids are in school, much less two big jobs. I know exactly zero couples who have been able to handle two big jobs even with paid help. In every case one spouse, often the mom but in a surprising number of cases the dad, stepped way way back or left the work force completely.
Anonymous says
This is more than two people can handle. Hire college students to provide part time back up like 5-8 every evening or 3 evenings a week and a half day on the weekend.
Let go of some stuff – it’s okay if you just do swimming lessons in the spring and summer.
Anonymous says
I think you have posted about this situation several times before. It’s a no-win scenario. You need a new job, preferably a lean-out one. Or your husband needs to get out of big law. Or both. Or you can hire a live-in nanny or move in a grandparent to do all of the hands-on work of childrearing. Something’s got to give, and if it doesn’t you are going to crash and burn spectacularly in the near future.
OP says
I haven’t, actually, but that makes me think I’m not the only one.
Everyone always posts about “lean out” jobs, but I don’t really see them posted unless it’s a major salary cut, which has so many implications for future earning and retirement. If I found a job that paid 70-80% of my current salary for 80% of my time, I’d take it in a heartbeat.
Anon says
I find it hard to believe that with a DH who is soon to be a partner in Big Law that you couldn’t take a bigger pay cut than 30%. There are certainly good reasons for not wanting to leave the workforce entirely, but I’d rethink your stance around salary. To make your life manageable with two kids and a DH in Big Law, you need either a huge career adjustment or a lot more paid help.
I also think a lot of lean out jobs are made, not advertised. You just take a job that’s a step down for you and don’t work that hard, figuring that if you get fired you can find something else because that kind of job is pretty fungible.
OP says
It is more about my pride than our HHI which is part of the problem. I also worry about the mental load on DH if he has the higher earning job – never want anyone to feel like they can’t make a move or leave their current situation. And no, we don’t live above our means, we drive paid-off/old cars, aren’t big spenders, etc.
I’ve worked hard to get my current salary – which probably isn’t even that high to some; it’s not on the BigLaw or MBB scale – I didn’t have a glide-path of high-paying jobs after grad school (not saying people do in general, I know most people don’t!). So every step was just really critical and hard work to get me where I am today which is…not even that great of a place, right? Sigh.
govtattymom says
Do you think a significant percentage of moms work less than full time? I am curious because I have noticed some interesting trends among my daughter’s friends (they don’t attend summer camp, inconsistently use aftercare, mom volunteers at the school regularly, etc.) I know her friends’ moms work and I am curious how they have this level of flexibility. What is your experience? Do you have a job that allows for flexibility like taking tons of time off in the summer to avoid summer camp? Do you know people that do?
Anonymous says
I have a couple of friends that run their own practices (one psychology, one a small law firm) and they seem to have tons of free time to attend kid events and take time off in the summer. I think they have busy periods and slow periods, and since they can control their own workloads they just work when it suits them.
Anonymous says
In my experience – during the elementary years a lot of people either take lean out jobs or switch to part time or if they don’t – they keep a part time nanny.
Anon says
I’m biased because I live in a college town, so most people I know have full time jobs, but lots of flexibility about when and how much they work, especially in the summer. I do know plenty of people who send their kids to camp full time in the summers and use aftercare, but also plenty who don’t (I was just talking to a professor mom who works 7-3 and is home with her kids after school…I’m a night owl who struggles to get going by 10 am and would hate that, but good for her). I also think a decent number of people have family help. That’s our situation, so in the summers my daughter does mostly half day camps with grandparents providing coverage in the afternoons.
Volunteering I think can be carved out of a normal fulltime office job (not Big Law or similar, but there are lots of less demanding jobs that are still fulltime). I volunteered in our K-12 schools when I had a 40 hour/week in-office job pre-pandemic. I had a flexible manager and treated it like a long lunch once a week. Some workplaces even give time off specifically for the purpose of volunteering.
AwayEmily says
This is me — my husband and I are both professors so have a fair bit of flexibility to handle school closures, appointments, long weekends, etc. I feel very lucky to not have to take a sick day when things like that come up. But we still keep all our kids in fulltime care (elementary + afterschool for the older ones, fulltime daycare for the toddler), including in the summer. I generally work from about 8:30 – 5 (including 40 minutes of walking to work each day). Definitely much less than many people on here!
Cb says
Yep, if I’m not teaching, I wouldn’t bother with a sick day. Although my husband tends to take them because he gets 10 days dependent leave, and his work doesn’t pile up whilst he’s away the way mine does (IT helpdesk versus academic)
Anon says
Yeah I’m university staff and in some ways have more flexibility than my professor husband during the school year. I always took the sick days on days he had to teach. But in summers he has more flexibility if he’s in town (although that’s a big “if” lately – in 2023 he was out of town over half the summer, although it wasn’t all for work).
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think this is probably regional. In my experience in my HCOL area, even in elementary school, most of my kid’s friends and peers are in after care and do camps. The biggest discussion points on the local fb moms group is the difficulty of getting a prime aftercare or camp spot! Literally hundreds of parents showed up (virtually) to a school council meeting to protest a weekly early release that would not be accompanied by childcare. I know the PTO has had difficulty finding volunteers, and even some members on it work full time. My husband and I have job flexibility in the sense that we can make time to do a teacher conference during the work day, or volunteer once every few months, or coach a sports team, but we wouldn’t be able to cover a full summer. Oh and we also have my retired dad to help out, but most people around here don’t.
Anonymous says
I know very, very few moms of school-aged kids who work full time. Most of those who do are teachers (summers off) or nurses (odd schedules that allow them to be home during the day sometimes). There are some moms who work very part-time as substitute teachers, instructional aides, managers at the inflatable party venue, yoga teachers, receptionists for kid activities, etc. Most moms around here are SAHMs who keep busy by volunteering at school, church, and scouts. I know exactly one other mom who has an actual full-time office job with regular hours. And I just quit my full-time job to take a part-time contract for the next few months.
Anon says
Based on my kindergartner’s school, about half the moms work full time and the other half stay home or work part time. Our PTO does have some full-time working mom representation, which is nice.
Anon says
For us, there is flexibility-ish for both parents. Of the 10 or so weeks of summer, my kids spent about 3 weeks this summer bumming around at home because my parents were in town to watch them. There was 4 weeks of camp, 2 weeks of travel and a week-ish of my husband working from home while the kids ran rampant.
We don’t use before or aftercare because my husband works 7am-3:30pm and I work 10am- 6pm.
It’s jigsaw puzzle for sure, but we are not high income people so we try to avoid paid childcare if we can figure out how to cover things otherwise. We do not usually volunteer at school unless it falls on one of our days off. Sometimes my husband will take a personal day if he really wants to volunteer for something.
Like I said we do not have high pressure/high income jobs so i think we feel very okay with slacking a little at work to pick up family things.
Anonymous says
I think aftercare and summer care are quite different. A lot of people in our area don’t use aftercare. Our elementary school dismisses quite late (kids get off the bus between 4:15 and 4:30) and kids play independently or with neighborhood buddies while parents wrap up work and prepare dinner.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t use summer camp, however. Even if the mom has no work obligations, it seems boring for the kids to do nothing all summer. I know my kid would love it for the first week and then be whining non-stop about not being in fun camps.
Cb says
We are one of the few families in our village that both work full time, with no local family. I was 30% travel until last week but it was clustered around the teaching term. We’ve got a camp spreadsheet and book grandparent visits and travel super far out while everyone else seems to be playing it by ear/treating camps as a fun extracurricular rather than childcare.
My husband’s job is very 9-5, but wfh 4 days a week. I could work all hours of the day (TT academic) but opt not to and can sometimes swing a volunteer gig midday. My summers are just writing, no teaching.
Anon says
This year, we split up my kids’ 10 week summer break as follows:
3 weeks of vacation
2 weeks of visiting out-of-state friends/family and me working remote with kids in camp
3 weeks of full day (at least 9-3) camp at home
2 weeks of visiting grandparents providing care + very part time camps
I don’t have a big job and don’t get paid much, so I feel ok slacking a bit and rarely work longer than 9-3, especially in the summer. But I do need camp or grandparent care during core business hours. I also have generous vacation leave (6 weeks) and typically use at least half of it during the summer months. We don’t use aftercare.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I feel like the Mums I know IRL (with school-age kids) work full-time, at least like 8-4 and then logs on again in the evenings to wrap things up, maybe some nights, maybe every night.
I do feel like in the ether – heck, even in my own family – I hear about these unicorn flexible jobs. I have a cousin who does drop-off at 8 and pick-up at 3 my niece’s private school (which is ~40 minutes each way, even with his crazy driving, it’s still a LOT of time away from one’s desk); no aftercare, she just hangs out at home (both parents WFH + live-in grandparent), and/or gets taken to activities, often by my cousin. Their toddler has been home FT with cousin + wife + live in grandparent since she was born, she’s now 2+. They are doing fine at work? Like no one’s fired? So what do I know.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Oh yeah – so TLDR – no aftercare, and in summer, the focus is camps older kid (she’s 6) wants to do/has interests in vs. work coverage, and my cousin and his wife drop-off/pick-up accordingly, rarely anything goes past 3.
Anon says
Live in grandparent is probably a big factor there? I do think it’s a unicorn situation to not have ANY childcare for a kid, especially a toddler, but if the grandparent is providing significant childcare then it makes sense they don’t need paid help.
Honestly though, Covid has changed my perspective on this a lot. We had a 2 year old during lockdown and it was awful and my employer was so unsympathetic but somehow we made it work and survived. If I want my 6 year old home with me some days after school, then she’ll be home with me. A 6 year old vs a 2 year old is like night and day in terms of independence, and I know I can make it work.
Anonymous says
Yes, I certainly do. I created/tool a “lean out” job and it would take a lot to make me go back.
In all fairness, DH leaned out too but that was just lucky. We went to brunch today after our youngest’s first day of K :).
Anon says
DH and I both have these kind of jobs too, and YES on it taking a lot to go back.