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Sales of note for 8.30.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
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Kid/Family Sales
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Anonymous says
I need wardrobe help. I am working at a client site. Employees wear jeans, but I like to look a bit more polished, since I’m not an employee (don’t get me wrong I like jeans but I’m not trying to blend in). My current work wardrobe is: Pleione tops, j crew factory pants, or sack dresses. Should I reach out to a friend who is doing wardrobe consulting? I’m at a loss and frankly don’t have time to shop.
anon says
Why not just wear your normal wardrobe? That all sounds elevated from jeans but not overdressed for the occasion.
Anon says
+1 it sounds great to me!
Anonymous says
I’m guessing you want to feel stylish and polished and your blouse/pair of pants combos aren’t making you feel the way you want to feel? Yes, reach out to your friend!! You’re at a loss, you don’t have time to shop, and you have a friend who works in this exact area! There’s not a downside.
Anonymous says
Trouser jeans can look super polished, if you style them with a blazer, jewelry, and a pointier shoe. I would add that to your rotation once a week, and buy a couple of shirt-dresses to round it out. I’m kind of a shirt-dress fanatic–you just need to find a brand/ style that works for your body type.
AwayEmily says
I’m a little at a loss for how to best parent my 5yo (about to start kindergarten). He’s such a sensitive, easily-offended kid, and often I can’t help thinking he would be much, much happier as an only child (he has sisters who are 7yo and 18mo, and a lot of jealousy of both of them). He’s apparently a dream at school, and he’s mostly fine if he’s on his own with one of us. But — especially when we’re all together as a family — he just takes everything so, so hard. The way his sister is looking at him. The fact that we won’t let him have a fruit leather after lunch. That he can’t find the sweatshirt he wanted. He’s not a tantrum-y or violent kid but he has what I would call “explosive whines” (“EEAAAUUUGGHHH!”) when this stuff happens that is like fingers on a chalkboard. And they are happening several times an hour, if not more. He just seems fundamentally unhappy a lot of the time (or at least, looking for reasons to become unhappy), and it makes me so sad. When he’s in a good mood he’s great — loving, funny, curious. But so often, he’s just so *dissatisfied* with everything. I’m thinking about this more now because I know kindergarten is going to be a tough transition and I want to be prepared.
Anon says
Sensitive kids sometimes need assessment for ADHD or other executive function differences (rejection sensitivity, sensory processing issues, etc. can manifest in a lot of ways, and that’s before bringing in the possibility of medical comorbidities).
I honestly didn’t realize until I was an adult how much of my difficulty as a small child was from the pressures of trying to function with undiagnosed ADHD combined with what it feels like to live with low level pain and nausea from hypermobility syndrome that I thought was just how it felt to exist (I never would have said I had pain or nausea; I didn’t know what it felt like not to!).
anon says
+1
AwayEmily says
I am very open to this possibility (I have seen several friends’ lives changed post-ADHD-diagnosis) but my understanding was that usually when it’s one of these issues, you see it both at home and at school. Please correct me if I am wrong! I will note he also largely keeps it together when we are with other people/in public (we went on a 10-day trip to France with some friends earlier this summer and he was far better than he is on a typical weeknight at home, despite all the disruptions).
anon says
It’s generally true that for a diagnosis they want to see effects in two or more environments, but is it possible being “a dream at school” just means he is “easy,” well behaved, and does not cause problems for teachers? Could you probe a bit for details related to the sensitivity, easily-offendedness, etc.? My second grade girl, now diagnosed with ADHD, has always been a “senstivie soul,” very emotional, easily triggered, etc. School and daycare always talked about how she was “one of the best in class,” “never got in trouble,” and similar comments. However, she was often in tears at or shortly after pickup due to someone teasing her, picking on her, hurting her feelings, or whatever. Some of it was likely her perception of things, but she also experienced some bullying behavior. However, even in cases where teacher involvement would have been warranted (and discipline of the other kid), she would never speak up, so it took months for everyone to realize the variety of underlying issues.
Anon says
I think that’s a common misconception about ADHD. Many ADHD kids (girls especially, but I’m sure some boys too) hold it together really well around non-family members.
Anne-on says
I’d do some research/checklist reading at Additude mag. My kid’s school was shocked(!!) with his AuDHD diagnosis. He’s mostly did/does melt down at home after using up all of his spoons trying to follow directions at school. It all makes SO much more sense in retrospect and years 5-7 were especially hard for us because he was old enough that we felt he was ‘too big’ for tantrums but these weren’t tantrums, they were meltdowns due to his neurodivergencies.
Anonymous says
I have a kid with adhd and it didn’t really get flagged at school. She’s 7. School flags learning issues and major behavior issues. My kid manages to be on the squirmy side of normal at school, is hitting benchmarks. Turns out she’s got raging adhd but is also extremely intelligent and decent at compensating. She falls apart at home.
AwayEmily says
Thanks! This is all super useful. this community is truly great.
Anon says
Yes… I know this is what they say, but I didn’t really show issues at school (I had ADHD inattentive and was a teacher’s pet with good grades who sat still in class). They couldn’t read my mind so they didn’t know I was day dreaming, and school was easy enough / they were busy enough with other students, that they didn’t realize when I wasn’t paying attention!
anon for this says
All of this. My newly dx ADHD kiddo makes that same frustrating UGH sound, especially when he is focusing/concentrating and something goes wrong (he screams at us that he knocked his tower down because we were talking). We suspect some sensory stuff as well and are awaiting a full neuropsych, but starting meds is like… wow, I actually have a sweet, lovely kiddo not an angry gremlin.
That said – I think MOST kids are easier and happier when they’re a only child so don’t take this as a sign of pathology in your kiddo. It could be yours is simply on the more sensitive/anxious side of normal, and holds it together all day, so the behaviors come out at home. I think “special playtime” from PCIT (g00gle for how to do this) can be helpful for ANY kiddo struggling in any way and I personally don’t think you need to pay someone to help you do it. Other strategies that could help are some sensory toys or calming corner, particularly if he is annoyed by siblings – offer that he can have some quiet time in his room w/ xyz calming thing (toy, weighted blanket, etc). All young kids are learning to regulate their emotions and need our support, regardless of whether there’s anything ‘wrong’. Think of a toddler when you peel their banana ‘wrong’ and how they melt down – we forget that bigger kids are still working on these skills, it just shows up in less obvious ways.
anon says
Out of curiosity, which meds are working for your kiddo? He sounds a lot like mine, but we’ve been struggling to find meds that help.
TheElms says
My 4 year old has disproportionate reactions to most things, which sounds a bit like what is happening with your 5 year old. We have spent a lot of time talking about the difference between big problems and little problems, which problems require a grown up, and how to calm down when each type of problem happens (deep breaths, go to your room to have some alone time, etc.). For us we are trying to cut down on the full body tantrums, for you it would be the explosive whines. Its very slow I will admit, but 6 months in we seem to be seeing a bit of progress (or that could just be coming from natural development as she gets older).
And I’ve just had to accept that my house is not going to be as calm as I need it to be to function well. Basically between the hours of 5/6 and 8pm every weekday one child is always having a meltdown and on weekends approximately 50% of the time the kids are awake, one kid is having a meltdown. (My 17 month old has learned the full body tantrum from her sister and will not be deterred or distracted). I can just about manage when work is not too busy, but when work is busy I have to work really hard to keep my own reactions in check and its very draining.
Anonymous says
This is going to seem like a weird take, but my oldest was like this, until we enrolled him in jiu jitsu at age 4. It has really changed how he interacts with the world, in a good way. He’s being doing it for two years now. He is still sensitive (see: last night’s 30 minute meltdown over a skinned knee), but he can roll with disappointments and frustrations a lot better now. I’m sure it’s a combination of him growing up and me learning how to be a parent, but I’m hugely grateful to his coach for being a supportive male role model and giving him a lot of tough love. I really think it has helped him develop healthy coping strategies. I’m not sayin you need to enroll him in jiu jitsu, but an organized sport that emphasizes cooperation, respect, responsibility and working through frustration/discomfort in healthy ways could benefit your kiddo. And I have 3 kids so I get that the logistics are a big hurdle, but the change I’ve seen in him helps me prioritize this activity. Just an idea.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Just adding to this – my BFF enrolled her very bright, very emotional, spicy, and spirited son – who is such a blast to be around – in Jiu Jitsu at age 3 or 4 – and it’s really helped the household! Caveat – it’s 2x a week after preK/daycare ends.
I’ve been thinking that DS #2 – he’s more spicy right now then deeply emotional per how AwayEmily described her son – will need something like this.
Anon says
+1
Without knowing him, I do wonder if he needs to practice resilience? Hobbies (especially sports) are good for this as you have to work towards a skill and you might fail 20 times before you get it. You might mail a skill regularly and then screw it up and figure out how to rebound from that.
AwayEmily says
I really like the idea of finding him a sport he could do. Especially if it’s one that his sister is not doing, so he’d have the opportunity to do something she can’t.
Jiu jitsu might be a hard sell but I could potentially get him interested in gymnastics or dance…do you think those would have the same benefits?
Vicky Austin says
I bet gymnastics would be helpful in a similar way if you can find a good program, or tumbling. My sisters did gymnastics for many years and my dad swears it’s the best thing he ever did for them (I was not interested). Learning to fall safely is a great skill and the body awareness/regulation is probably huge for a big-feelings kid. And in my sisters’ gym, respect was highly emphasized – for the equipment (safety, cleaning up) as well as their ritual of saying “thank you coaches” “thank you athletes” to each other at the end of every practice.
Vicky Austin says
And by “good” I mean one that is only as competitive as your kid and family need it to be! Hence my nod to tumbling – it’s more obscure, so there’s not so much pressure to find/create/be the next Simone Biles.
Anon says
Dance has been GREAT for my sensitive, spirited 5 year old. However we’re in a low key YWCA program where the focus is on moving your body, being creative and having fun. From talking to friends in other cities it seems like this kind of program is something of a unicorn. I would not be crazy about either a serious ballet school (too much intensity) or a studio with competition teams (too pageant-y).
Boston Legal Eagle says
I loved dance as a kid, but I agree on being wary of some of the more intense studios – a lot of body issues can come up for anxious perfectionists, at least girls.
Anon says
This sounds like such a great thing; thank you for sharing!
Anon says
I wouldn’t assume he’d be better off without siblings. A lot of the improved behavior when he’s one on one probably comes from the fact that it’s different and outside his “normal.” If he were an only child, being around just the adults would be normal and he’d take it for granted.
I have a highly sensitive only child fwiw. Her challenges aren’t quite the same, but I don’t feel like her only child status is a big help. If anything, I think she’d be happier with siblings. so I guess the grass is always greener.
AwayEmily says
such a good point. I have no idea what the counterfactual is — maybe he’d have more/different issues without siblings. After all, his big sister is modeling some pretty awesome behavior he wouldn’t get otherwise, and he does adore her. And regardless, there’s no sense in me ruminating on it since the die has been cast!
Boston Legal Eagle says
I also don’t think being an only child would “cure” him of this or make him happier – this is just his personality. It sounds a bit like my oldest, and me personally – we are just more sensitive to things, and maybe less happy seeming to the outside world. I don’t think this will be helpful but my kid did have a pretty hard adjustment to K, despite being in daycare since infancy. There were just a lot of expectations of sitting still and being quiet, and he would take it out on us when he got home. He did eventually get better and last year was like night and day compared to K. I think the best thing we could have done was as early a bedtime as possible, like 6:30 even, because he was completely exhausted. And he does generally do better when he has a lot of physical activity throughout the day. Reach out to your ped for a referral to a child therapist if it seems extreme. I also agree with the Jiu Jitsu or sports, or something, to give him an outlet away from family and school.
AwayEmily says
Thank you. I really needed to hear that someone who is clearly happy, well-adjusted, and smart (by which I mean you, obv!), also identifies as being a bit like this. It’s so very different from my personality (I am unfazed by most things) and so I think I may tend to pathologize it more than I should.
And yes, we should definitely try to do more physical activities with him — unlike his big sister he doesn’t naturally WANT to do those things so we sometimes forget how important it is.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Aww, thanks! My mom is also more like you – totally chill, not fazed by much. I just can’t be that way. I am very much my father’s daughter. But I think it allows me to be more empathetic and form deep relationships, even if I do objectively take things more personally. And if it’s interfering with life too much, therapy and medication are a godsend.
Anne-on says
Gently, and I am sure you didn’t mean it this way, kids with neurodiversities can be just as smart as neurotypical children. ADHD/ASD do not have anything to do with intelligence and it is SUPER frustrating to hear things like ‘he can’t have ADHD/ASD, he’s so smart!’.
anon for this says
I did not interpret AwayEmily’s comment to mean that fwiw. I think she’s just worried that her kiddo seems to be struggling, and hearing that BostonLegalEagle was like this is as a kiddo and turned out fine made her feel better.
Anon says
I didn’t interpret it that way either. Saying positive things about one commenter isn’t a jab at other commenters or their kids.
Anonymous says
I’m dealing with similar right now. I don’t think it has to do with siblings. DS is 4.5yo and is driving me completely nuts. Constant whining about being bored, fights every single transition, acts out physically by shoving his younger sister, and just generally makes himself a real pain. I think it’s b/c he physically exhausted from camp and off his routine, plus he knows he’s starting at a new school for PK in the fall. I’m trying to be patient, but I’ve lost it with him a couple of times. The only solution I’ve found so far is making time for quiet time together, like reading books or doing a puzzle while we have a long chat. I can tell that’s what he craves. I just don’t always have time for it, sadly.
Anon says
I feel, strongly, like we have a similar kid, except mine is now 8. A few things — I agree with the other posters who say he wouldn’t be better on his own without siblings. Mine gets sideways with me when he’s having restraint collapse, so I would just view it as your home/his siblings are a safe enough space that he can express the emotions he feels elsewhere, but is using self-restraint so he can’t release them.
Like the others, an ADHD diagnosis was life changing – it didn’t stop the behaviors, but it helped us understand them. OT helped him, although mine had a level of physicality to his behavior that it doesn’t sound like yours has. His teachers never flagged it, and were shocked by the diagnosis. Our kiddo also added a layer of anxiety to ADHD that it sounds like might be present for yours? The therapist described internal anger like a pitcher of water — all of us have a pitcher inside us. If your pitcher is empty, any time you add a drop of water (something that angers you), you can take a lot of drops before your pitcher spills over, but if your water level is always at the top, the first tiny drop can cause you to spill over. Anxiety causes your pitcher to feel full all the time, and make it so that everything spills over.
Therapy helped keep the anxiety lower, which kept the “spill overs” down, as did strategies to manage ADHD, and again, for my son, getting into competitive sports really helped him channel a lot of his physical energy into something constructive. My observation is also that it’s helpful for him to have somewhere to channel his anxiety — if he feels generally anxious, he directs it at an upcoming game. It means that he probably gets more nervous than other kids for competitions, but I think the anxiety just sort of exists in his system, and at least it goes SOMEWHERE rather than bubbling out at me or another safe place.
anon for this says
love this. Working through a new ADHD diagnosis, and ours is much more on the side of needed the physicality (on a 1yr wait list at two OT places, ugh). But for now we are leaning into the sports as well.
Anonymous says
I have an 8 year old with a lot of similarities here. No ADD as far as we can tell, but this post was really helpful to me. Thanks.
AwayEmily says
That metaphor is super helpful. Thank you. It’s definitely the case that certain things keep the pitcher a little less full — more one-on-one time, plenty of sleep, etc. And you all have really convinced me about the potential of sports to help. honestly I think anxiety is more likely than ADHD for him (though I’m not ruling anything out — we will see how kindergarten goes and I’m also planning on having another chat with his preschool teachers to gather more info).
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m not a doctor but I’d say more anxiety than ADHD for my kiddo too, and it’s what I myself have medication for (adult diagnosis though) – I’m sure a lot of techniques can help with both. Physical activity and getting out of your brain a little will go a long way. And even if it’s nothing diagnosable, recognizing that he’s more sensitive and letting things go will not come as easy to him is helpful.
Anon says
I wouldn’t rush straight to ADHD – some of the responses seem to be suggesting that it’s most likely that, even with atypical presentation, and I think that’s overstating how much ADHD covers. Some kids are sensitive and need more quiet time.
Anon says
I agree.
Anonymous says
Not sure if this will help you — but I’ve spent a lot of time talking to my now-8 year old about “looking for reasons to become unhappy”. I keep emphasizing to her that if she’s looking for something to be wrong, or something she wants nd doesn’t have, etc, she will always find something, but to evaluate the situation critically and balance what she does have/like/is working out well with what is not.
Shopping help says
Cross posting from main
Anyone want to help me shop for two looks?
1 – maternity / family photos, now, outdoors, real hot
2 – newborn photos, later in the fall, indoors
Will probably wear a dress for 1, could do either dress or blouse / jeans for 2. Size 12 pre pregnancy. Need some inspiration!
Anon says
Way to be on it. I have maternity/family photos in 2 weeks and haven’t even started thinking about newborn photos in the Fall!
Maternity – Pink Blush has a ton of options. I just ordered a bunch of their cream/off-white dresses to try to avoid clashing with our photographers editing style. And then it leaves options wide open on what DH and kiddo can where. I just ordered a bunch of stuff last Saturday, it shipped Sunday and arrived at my house yesterday. I plan on just returning what I don’t end up liking on. I really like on Pink Blush’s website a lot of people post their professional maternity pictures in the reviews, so it gives me a feel for what real people look like in the dresses.
Newborn – Last time around, I ended up wearing a turtle neck and my favorite maternity jeans. Second time around I’ll probably do something similar, As we get closer to fall I’ll probably just hunt for a pair of maternity jeans I really like and wear a simple sweater with it.
Anonymous says
What is a reasonable rate to pay a sitter/part-time nanny for: 2 kids – 4 years and 2 months, primarily in my home, nanny brings her own 16mo, 3-4 days a month (8am-4:30) and occasional evenings? Nanny is a former daycare director with 10+ years of childcare experience and has all clearances.
Anonymous says
I feel like bringing her own kid makes this calculation a bit tricky. I pay my regular babysitter $25/hour and I would say for my area that is considered on the low side. We originally agreed on $20/hour but she always leaves my house spotless, which is no small feat with my kids underfoot. I have three kids, aged 6, 2 and 2. The twins are a handful. She has a day job: so she babysits one evening a week and occasionally can work a weekend day for me. Hope that’s helpful.
Anon says
Got my first taste of navigating the K-12 school system with a (mildly) special needs kid and… oof. Kudos to those of you who have been dealing with this for multiple kids or more significant needs. It’s hard.
Anonymous says
I would love some help articulating something to my spouse. He’s a great dad, our family dynamics are good, once in a while – maybe every 4-5 months – when the kids are being really absurd in some kid way – he will yell at them in this way that is just so loud that it’s kind of scary. To be clear – I am never scared he will hurt them, he is just so loud and generally not a yeller so when he yells it’s like a lion roaring all of a sudden. This morning our 5 y.o. was being an absolutely PIA, refusing to get dressed, saying he won’t go to camp, just yelling no at us and running away and after we both exhausted all our patience and tactics, husband just yelled at him about how we have to get to work, and you have to get dressed or I will dress you and I will drag you to camp if I have to… it worked but I really hated it! Kid was in tears, I was totally discombobulated, it wasn’t good. I tried to talk to husband after and he was like ok, ok, but I could tell he didn’t really agree and then he said something to the effect of “well, it worked, and nothing else is working and we need to fix this somehow” … I get that we all lose it sometimes, or at least I do, but at least I feel bad about it and even at my worst I am never this scary because I just dont have that kind of voice whereas he does . And I can’t figure out how to communicate how terrifying he is when he yells like that. I am also struggling to explain why fear isn’t a good healthy dynamic to develop because obviously a little bit of fear of consequences is necessary for discipline.
To extent it matters, we don’t generally yell at each other when we fight or ever call each other names. His dad was the strong, silent time but everyone had a healthy fear of his disapproval. They have a good if not especially close relationship, but I think husband is generally happy with the way he was raised.
Anon says
I think it’s a minority opinion here, but to me yelling 2-3 times a year when kids are being particularly obnoxious is not a big deal at all. If it were daily it would be a very different story.
Anon says
I agree.
Anonymous says
I feel the same way. My husband (this also applies to me, let’s be honest) works really hard not to lose his temper daily, so when he does lose it, the kids usually take it seriously. I can see he’s actively working not to lose it on the reg, so I’m not going to confront him about perfect being the enemy of the…just ok.
Anon says
I 100% agree. Kid crossed a line and your husband responded. It was effective. I think it’s fine.
Anon says
Yeah, I think this sounds pretty normal. DH clenches his fist at the kids and makes a really angry face (clenched jaw). He’s never been violent and never would be violent but he LOOKS violent. It really bothers me. Feels like a similar issue to what you have here. I always mention it, but it doesn’t seem to be going away. I might prefer the yelling honestly?
Anonymous says
I agree. Your husband is human. It sounds like he’s controlling his temper and is a good human 98% of the time
Spirograph says
I agree. I yell very infrequently, and everyone takes notice if I’ve gotten pushed over that line. It’s usually either in the morning or at bedtime, and by the time everyone’s gotten into the car or into bed I’ve cooled off enough to say, “hey, sorry I yelled earlier. I was really frustrated and that wasn’t an appropriate way for me to handle the situation. Can you please help me by [doing a better job listening the first 50 times I tell you to do something]? kthx I love you”
My husband and I mutually have a code word that means it’s time to de-escalate or step away. But sometimes the other one isn’t there to tag in. *shrug* no one is perfect 100% of the time. I would give your husband grace on this. Losing your temper a only couple times a year is a win when there are kids pushing your buttons every.single.day.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This happens with my husband sometimes, usually at night when we’re all tired and kids are completely not listening. He always always talks to the kid after and says, this is why I raised my voice etc etc. I think it’s important for them to see that everyone loses control sometimes, but it’s good to reflect on after and think about why it happened. He’s also started to say to the kids something like “if you keep not listening/not doing the thing I ask, I’m going to raise my voice,” which usually puts them on notice. Also, you can tell him if he’s feeling too frustrated, it’s time to tap out and take a minute in another room – also good modeling for the kids.
AwayEmily says
+1 to this. My husband does it maybe once every few months when the kids are not listening. He’s always talked about it with them afterwards and apologized for raising his voice, and I also talk about it with them also. I try to connect it to their own experiences about having big feelings and losing control, and tell them that this happens with adults, too. It’s normal but that doesn’t mean it’s okay — grownups should not yell at kids, but sometimes grownups make mistakes. I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world as long as you talk about it afterwards.
Cb says
In general, I’m the one with a temper but I didn’t want to be a yeller, so I worked really hard at it. My husband is the nicest, calmest guy (except in airports…) and didn’t work at it.
He does this 2-3 times a year as well. Last time, I could hear them escalating but didn’t want to undermine, and I should have intervened earlier but didn’t want to undermine his parenting. But he yelled, my kid was sobbing and I was so angry I made him go for an hour-long walk. He’s a loving, caring dad 99.9% of the time, but he’s loud when he finally breaks down and yells.
So no real advice but commiseration!
Anon says
I think yelling can be a very serious thing, but honestly, I also think that making too much of very rare/occasional instances can backfire. Some kids get more upset if it’s treated as a huge “incident.” I guess I don’t really know the right solution.
Anonymous says
Echoing the comments above, this would not particularly bother me if it’s infrequent. My main question would be: is he in control? I think the danger with anger is when you “lose it”, so to speak. If he’s yelling almost strategically, as a last resort, then by all means, go for it once in a while!
Anon says
Does he acknowledge to the kids afterwards that he yelled and that he was frustrated?
I think for once in a while yelling, the effort to model good emotional regulation afterwards is probably good for kids to see.
FWIW- my husband is very much like yours- he sees yelling as a tool for motivation- but he also grew up in a family that yelled a lot and that’s what he knows. I do on occasion yell and I always feel awful about it afterwards. Not to get all Dr. Becky or anything, but I think “repair” is an important step in yelling.
Anon says
I have no problem with a parent reacting this way when a kid is really misbehaving. Actions have consequences. Kid needs to learn he was not behaving appropriately.
I don’t love yelling but it’s sometimes warranted in my book.
Anon says
Well said.
We also have to occasionally yell at our kid. I normally warn them with “please don’t make me raise my voice”. I’ll say that 2 or 3 times. Then to me if I have to a low toned yelling/I mean business voice, I feel like I gave her plenty of notice it could happen. And to every once in a while, the warning makes her start to be more agreeable to avoid hearing the yelling.
That could be one idea for DH. To recommend he gives a warning he’ll yell before he yells.
Anonymous says
Yelling 2 or 3 times a year seems totally fine to me. I would let him be who he is. A great dad who sometimes gets mad.
anon says
Honestly I agree. It did work, it doesn’t happen very often, and your kid was objectively being obnoxious so this didn’t happen over nothing. I’d let it go.
Anonymous says
I’m just grousing but ugh I’ve been trying to get an appointment to evaluate my almost 4 year old for behavioral issues — I’m the mom with the kid who’s been hitting in daycare and just generally behind socially. School started talking to us about it at the end of June and the earliest appointment we could get is next week, and I had to beg for that (it was initially going to be Aug 15). In the meantime he continues to have problems and I am really busy at work and just so worried we’re going to be kicked out before I can get him seen, much less get started with some help.
anon says
I totally get your frustration, but, honestly, a 5-week turnaround from when you requested an evaluation appointment and when it actually happened is seriously amazing, at least for where I am. We had about a 10-month wait, and felt lucky with that.
It sucks to be in limbo, though. I hope you get some answers and strategies soon.
Anonymous says
Thanks, you’re totally right. What do people do in the meantime?!
SC says
I’ve been through this! Keep communicating with the school about the appointment timeline and everything else you’re doing to help your kid. They’re less likely to kick you out if they know you’re working on it.
If I recall correctly, you’ve said your kid doesn’t have the same behaviors at home, so it’s hard to address the issue “in the moment” from home? I would keep school informed about any conversations you have at home, books you’re reading, etc.
Also, do you have a sense of what is prompting the hitting? My son hit (or bit or kicked) (a) when he got overwhelmed and mad, and (b) when other kids were in his space. Those two triggers required two different approaches. For the first, we talked about learning to recognize when his feelings were in the “yellow” zone, techniques for calming down from yellow, appropriate ways to express himself when he was angry, etc. For the second, it was a sensory trigger, and we had to work on using his words to ask for space, plus work with the school to keep him out of real crowded situations (stuff like sitting in a chair behind the circle at circle time or having his own seat at lunch instead of bench seating). Of course, these things overlap too–if he was being jostled by other kids all day, he’d spend the whole day in the “yellow” zone and then explode in anger, seemingly out of nowhere, at some “last straw” incident.
If you have an idea of what the trigger is, you can start discussing a behavior plan with the school now, then have the evaluator step in as part of the team and add to it.
Anon says
Working mom whine: My daughter started at our small public school last fall. My schedule allows me to usually be at pickup and dropoff, so I regularly interact with many of the other moms in her class. It felt like I became friends with many of them this year, or so I thought, and did regular playdates, parties, group outings, etc. The vast majority of them stay home or work as realtors/in jobs with very flexible “make your own” schedules.
Now that it’s summer and I can’t meet at the pool in the middle of the day or do regular daytime adventures, I find that I’m being left out of all of the activities. I just saw on Instagram that a bunch of them went to go see the Barbie movie together yesterday sans kids. This is the second time this month something like this has happened and I’m feeling like the kid who didn’t get invited to the birthday party.
I’m sure it will go back to “normal” when we are back in school and I see them more regularly but I also can’t pretend like my feelings aren’t a little hurt that they’re not even inviting me anymore (even if I can’t go).
GCA says
Ah! This is what I think of as ‘friendships of convenience’. They’re there, so they are friends, rather than the other way around. Would you be friends if the acquaintance was not facilitated by your kids being classmates? If yes, maybe you’ve just got to be intentional and plan and invite people if you want to hang out: splash pad playdate after camp pickup? Grilling with other families on a Friday evening? Something like that. We used to live in a grad student family housing community and I was one of only a handful of working parent spouses; the intentional action was inviting other families over for playdates and kid-friendly board game afternoons.
Anonymous says
Do you invite them to do stuff on weekends or evenings? Generally I find that I need to “be the change!” And I aggressively invite a lot of people to a lot of stuff and it does get reciprocated :)
Anonymous says
I’ve been on both sides of this. I guarantee you that everyone was chatting at the pool and decided to see barbie together. If it had been some kind of planned event, say, a 40th b’day party with dozens of attendees, then I would be more hurt about not getting an invite.
I second the suggestion to invite everyone to a thing you can attend!
anon says
I totally get this! This is what happens when lifestyles diverge, but it sure doesn’t feel good.
Anonymous says
Question – at what age could I reasonably expect DH to take our incredibly go with the flow, excellent sleeper anywhere, excellent water/not picky son (currently 4) on a guys weekend so I can have my house all to myself? If I asked, I could have a weekend or overnight at a hotel with great ease (for which I am incredibly grateful). I am just daydreaming about being able to do the random house projects and cook my favorite dishes he doesn’t like with my podcasts playing on a speaker vs. earbuds (my husband hates all podcasts or any category) and without him underfoot asking why I haven’t immediately finished the project or washed the dishes. Sigh, one day I hope.
NYCer says
He 100% could take your son for a weekend away at age 4, and honestly could have taken him even younger. What is your concern?
Anon says
+1
TheElms says
Why not now? 4 seems old enough even for a not that easy child. At the very least DH should be able to take 4 year old on an all day trip somewhere. Like get up, leave the house around 9am drive to a petting zoo, have lunch, go to a local jump place and come home around 4pm? Or drive to a local lake for a day at the lake swimming/fishing with a picnic lunch?
Anonymous says
He just doesn’t seem to want to or fully understand how much I want the house to myself. He wants to be at home and enjoy our house which we have made into a very, very nice place to be. We’re both social people and have a great group of friends and do plenty of social activities, so it’s not that he’s a homebody. We’re having a communication difficulty on this point, as we have different ideas of how the process should look for accomplishing certain tasks. My way generally involves more mess (for at least a short time), and he hates messes. Like he got very annoyed when I was trying to sort through old kids clothes and had taken over our upstairs living room (there was still other places in our hair where he could lay on a Couch and watch TV, so I wasn’t taking up critical space). I had several piles for various sizes and for donate or give to friends, and it took a long time to go through, and we had evening plans which meant the piles sat out overnight. He’s rather I just take all the clothes our son has outgrown and throw away or donate in one big pile. I prefer to offer some to good friends and then not just donate everything to goodwill, but be more mindful about where I’m donating them. I just find it stressful to do house stuff like that when he is around because he’s constantly asking when I’ll be done or why I’m doing it a certain way. Meanwhile, I don’t like having these house things pile up,
Vicky Austin says
You could frame it as a favor to him. “Hey, can you take DS somewhere fun for the day a couple weekends from now so I can get Annoying Task done without getting in your way?”
Anon says
This seems like a bigger issue than a trip. But my husband has never taken our kid on a solo overnight trip. I don’t think it makes him a bad dad. He’s a very involved, hands-on dad. Travel just isn’t his thing. I travel solo or with friends/my mom when I want a break from my family.
Anon says
OP you seem to be doing a lot of tiptoeing around your spouse. He gets annoyed when you are listen to podcasts on speaker, sort kids’ clothes, do home projects and don’t do the dishes quickly enough? If DH takes 4 year old on a trip you should be taking the time to relax, not do housework! Will you have him take kid on a trip whenever a home project needs to be done? Sometimes projects take a while, sometimes things are a bit messy for a while before project is done. If he is bothered by the mess he can help out so the project will go faster. I think you should do all the projects you want, and if he complains just tune him out, put in your earbuds and put on a podcast.
Anon says
I mean your husband may not ever want to do this. But generally with one child it becomes quite manageable around age 4-5. I started taking my daughter on mother-daughter trips at age 3.5 and it got considerably more fun at 4.5.
Anon says
My husband started taking my son camping at age 3. 4 is totally doable!
Vicky Austin says
I think you should text your husband right now. I’m literally planning to ask DH later to take the baby for a drive this weekend so I can be home alone for forty-five minutes. Home alone is awesome!
Isabella says
A compromise option might be sending him to visit family or chosen family who will truly help with childcare. I still slightly dread extended solo parenting, but I will happily take LB to visit my mom or grandma for the weekend without DH.
Anonymous says
I agree. However, each of our families are local and his dad would find it so very, very odd if he said he was going to spend the night there, so I really needs to be a get out of town trip. My parents and in-laws are already doing a lot of childcare in the next month that it’s not the right time to ask them to also do this. I just have taken our son on trips to see my brothers or a friend in a different state who also has kids and it’s been great… now I just want some reciprocity, please! It’s a very privileged thought to have.
Anon says
My husband just took my 11, 6, and 3 year old on a week long trip by himself without me and it was glorious.
I totally get wanting to listen to podcasts on the speaker – my Husband hates NPR, and before we met it was part of my morning routine.
And yes, I totally took over two rooms to sort the kids’ clothes while he was gone.
I was so surprised that he did it because he is such a homebody, but I guess he really wanted to take this one trip withthe oldest kid and it was a busy time for me at work, so he decided just to take all of them.
Anon says
Does anyone have experience with a conflict avoidant partner? DH is very conflict avoidant and it has started coming out in some counterproductive ways: i.e., getting defensive and argumentative when I try to talk about issues or, ironically, getting very upset in situations in which he thinks there may be conflict, even when there isn’t. I know I can be very direct when I communicate my feelings and have tried to work on that piece of it. However, even as I’ve started bringing things up less and being more go-with-the-flow, I’d like to know that he has the ability to constructively deal with conflict when it comes up. He also says he doesn’t bring things up that bothers him since it’s difficult. He’s in therapy to work on all of these things and maybe I’m overthinking it, but it is a bit stressful to navigate.
CCLA says
Couples therapy. I like to confront things and discuss issues, almost too much, and DH avoids avoids avoids. Therapy together has helped us understand what in our past has contributed to our respective approaches (which has helped our empathy toward one another and lessened our frustration) and has been a good outlet for discussing solutions.