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Tea/Coffee says
TL;DR: What’s the most productive way to handle a 12YO accessing Pinterest without asking?
12YO DD has a phone, really for texting only (we removed all access to safari and other apps) as well as a chromebook for school (our device, set up by the school). We browse her phone regularly – and she knows it – but she seems to have forgotten that way back when, she set up the Mail app to pull from her school email account. So we can read her school emails. She’s clearly forgotten about this.
Last night I discovered a whole bunch of emails from pinterest, to her, over the past couple weeks. The standard “here’s stuff you would like” etc emails and the very first one… “please confirm your email.”
-Pinterest’s very clear age limit is 13
-She knows (we thought, dammit) not to sign up for stuff without checking with us first
She’s clearly browsing pinterest on her school chromebook (and may be accessing via “sign in with google?” . Based on the pinterest emails, she’s looking for crochet patterns and funny/cute memes. I am still furious but aware that she’s 12, not 8. Based on previous issues – I would like to have a plan for how to address this with DH. I am thinking:
-her chromebook remains in the kitchen or family room for the rest of the school year. no more taking it to the other room (it already doesn’t go upstairs)
-give her access to MY pinterest account. There’s nothing in my pinterest that she shouldn’t see, and that way I can keep tabs on what she’s looking at.
-clearly we need to go through her chromebook browsing history on the regular as well.
What else should I / could I be doing? Clearly we’re not a no-screens household, and I hesitate to just take away her phone (as this was not a phone-based offense). I want it to be a learning lesson AND I kinda don’t want to give away how I figured this out.
Anon says
I’d give her access to your account.
mom of teens says
I don’t think this is that quite as much of a big deal as you do. Yes, she did sign up for Pinterest a few months before she hit the age minimum and in violation of your house rule about asking permission, but on the other hand she is just using it to find crochet patterns and she is nearly a teenager. I agree that you don’t want to clue her in to how you caught her, and you also don’t want to drive her to be sneakier. I would start by asking some questions. “Hey, I noticed that you’ve been on Pinterest. How did that happen?” It won’t be long before it will be impossible to restrict her access to the internet, so the ultimate goal should be to get her thinking critically about the content she consumes and the risks she takes so that she will make good decisions in the future.
Anon says
Agreed.
Anon says
+1 — I agree with all of this. Your reaction feels wildly out of proportion for the act here. I think it’s highly unlikely she knew about the minimum age (or didn’t view it as a deal breaker, if she did), and you can definitely click through to Pinterest on a google account without going through the full sign up process.
I think a very punitive, very harsh response is going to set up a scenario where she is far sneakier in the future. It’s entirely possible she didn’t realize how much of a violation of the rules you perceive this to be — we are very anti-screen, and I wouldn’t view what you’ve described as anything to be punished for (I have an 11 year old). As an aside, my mom used to come down REALLY hard on me for things I didn’t realize were a giant violation of the Rules, and all it did was make me (1) super anxious b/c I never knew if I was going to be in Trouble or not, and (2) far sneakier because I didn’t want to get yelled at unexpectedly.
Anon says
Thinking more about this…your reaction feels more like an anxiety response. Like, this time it was Pinterest, but next time it will be ….. [much worse], so I need to make it very clear that this was unacceptable. I really think you’ll protect your long term relationship, AND help solidify that she can come to you when she wants to explore something else, is to explore this collaboratively, not punitively. FWIW, I’ve explicitly told both of my kids that there will come a time when they are really curious about something, and the Internet will feel like a very easy way to privately explore what they are curious about — BUT it’s going to show them things that are wrong, scary, unreal, etc., etc., so we have a firm no judgment rule where if they get curious about something, they can ask (or slip a note under my pillow), and I will arrange for an age appropriate way to see it…
Anon. says
This is very very good advice. I also don’t think it’s a big deal, in fact it’s so wholesome in some ways that it’s a good learning opportunity.
Anon says
It’s so adorable. I have a 5 year old and if you told me that in 7 years she’d be sneaking on Pinterest to look up crochet patterns, I’d be SO HAPPY. I get why mom is not thrilled about the rule breaking but big picture this is really not that bad.
Anon says
I also think that if you read the terms and conditions of almost any webpage on the Internet, you need to be at least 13 years old. No way is anyone reading the fine print before browsing every single website.
Anon says
Yup.
mom of teens says
I will add–the things I am most concerned about with internet use are personal interactions (they are not supposed to chat, play games, etc. with anyone they don’t know in real life, or with non-family adults even if they do know them in real life) and what they post. We will sometimes have dinner table conversations about news stories that illustrate the risks–the teenager who was recently seduced by and ran off with a predator even though his parents knew what was going on and were taking steps to protect him, people whose careers are ruined forever because of one comment that doesn’t land as intended, etc. What they see happening in their own lives (e.g., the time the boys in my daughter’s selective academic program ranked all the girls’ appearances and the list got out on social media) is an even more powerful example.
Anon says
There is DMing on Pinterest fwiw. I don’t think kids use it to communicate with each other the way they use TikTok and Insta, but the capability exists to have private conversations on the platform. And I fully agree with you this is the biggest issue with teen internet usage.
Anonymous says
You sound insane. What is wrong with you. She’s using Pinterest not drugs. What you do is stop being like this and let her use the internet.
anon. says
I know others will disagree but I laughed SO hard at this and totally agree.
Anon says
+2 it’s harsh but accurate. Also as someone who has a blog and uses Pinterest way more than I would like, Pinterest is by far the most benign social media s1te. They don’t allow any explicit content. I doubt you could find anything there that’s rated PG-13, let alone R rated. I think it’s fine for you to monitor her activity if you want, but it’s not anything to be stressed over. It has a VERY different vibe than Insta, TikTok, YouTube, etc.
Mrs. Jones says
This would be so far down on my list of things to worry about, if it even crossed my mind.
Anon says
Disagree, this is a super rude and catty response. I’m really tired of those “I’m too cool/superior to care about things” responses. It’s like the people who respond with “I just can’t be concerned that my laundry detergent is going to kill me” when someone asks for an eco-friendly option. Ok? Get over yourself.
ElisaR says
+1
don't stress this says
agree with this take…worst case scenario, she gets tacky “LIVE LAUGH LOVE” taste?
Anon says
Hahaha yes. Worst case scenario here is she grows up to be a Mormon mommy blogger.
Anon says
Hahahahahahaha, okay this comment made me laugh out loud.
anon says
I was prepared for this to be really bad, and it’s … Pinterest. For a hobby. OP, while I agree that not asking permission isn’t great, I would dial back your anger response a little bit because there is no real harm being done here. Could she have her own account, with some caveats that you have access to it, too?
anon says
Is she on Pinterest at school? That would annoy me. She should be doing school at school.
I wouldn’t get upset over crochet patterns and silly cat memes. Have her use your account so you can monitor.
Anon says
Feels like an overreaction. I think it’s really hard for kids around that age NOT to access things like pinterest. I’d probably just tell her please ask us next time. And give her a book of crochet patterns.
Anon says
I agree this doesn’t sound that concerning, but I understand how you might be viewing it as a slippery slope. And it’s hard when (it seems) most parents are very blasé about screen usage and you don’t want your kids to absorb those messages. (Like, I’m appalled by screens in bedrooms – don’t you know the danger kids can get into?!) Call me pearl-clutchy, but teenagers as a group have proven they need a very slow, guided on ramp into technology, which is not the norm these days.
I would come at this in a curious way with your daughter. Find out why she signed up and what she’s interested in – truly, ask to understand, not to catch her in a lie. And maybe you loosen the reigns here and let her keep her account, and build up your parental goodwill for other boundaries that are more critical.
Anonymous says
I agree that teens need a guided on-ramp to the internet. Banning pinterest is the opposite of that.
Anon says
I just want to say that you’re a good mom. Managing Internet use and crossing of family rules/boundaries is really hard and I think you are approaching this thoughtfully. Honestly, I don’t think there such thing as benign Internet use at that age the way is being suggested in other comments. People can make a different rules and boundaries, but it’s important to have them for something as big as social media/app use.
Tea/Coffee says
Thanks all (seriously). Yeah, I might be leaning a little too over-react-y, so it’s nice to have a reality check. There definitely is an element of anxiety – she’s our oldest and NONE of this existed when we were kids, so we kind of feel like we don’t know how to cover this part of parenting. That said, I do need to remind her that while her internet usage is quite open on the school chromebook, she still needs to be 1, honest and 2, careful. Agreed that pinterest is a low-stakes way to get into the game and I don’t intend to restrict her access to it – just want to make sure that she’s consuming information in a responsible manner AND following family rules about screen time and internet access, etc.
Possibly we will just have a look at something i find on pinterest and let the conversation go from there.
Also, she’s home today with suspected covid (still testing negative tho) so possibly we will NEED pinterest for a few days lol!
Anon says
As a former 12/13 year old who accessed far far less benign things than your daughter on the internet and turned out to be a pretty well adjusted adult – furious feels strong for the act. I’d take a breath and think about having a conversation with her rather than coming down punitively. There’s an opportunity here to have a great conversation about trust, having her communicate with you if she’s interested in something like pinterest (and later, other social media), how to set up an account and use the internet safely, and how to come to you if she’s ever uncomfortable with an interaction online. You can express disappointment with her doing this in a sneaky manner and reestablish expectations until you regain that trust.
You want her to be able to share the small things with you so she can later be open about the big things.
Anonymous says
Didn’t read all the replies but make sure she didn’t set the account up as a part of school before you go off on her. Our 6th grader’s teacher has them all sign up for Pinterest accounts with the school email to do various activities.
Anon says
My kids are younger, but I had this thought too.
Anonymous says
DH is interviewing for a job in San Francisco, and we currently live in DC. Is it as crazy expensive there as I hear? How much would it cost to rent a 3-bedroom anywhere close to downtown or on a commuter train line? Obviously he hasn’t gotten an offer yet, but I’m wondering how much of a lifestyle shift this would be.
Anon says
Yes it’s as expensive as you heard and unless your HHI is in the $500K range it’s going to be a big lifestyle shift.
Anne-on says
+1 – the Bay Area is the highest paid regional ‘band’ in my current and previous two companies (higher than NYC) – some of this was to compete with the FANG salaries but cost of living is really outrageous and there aren’t ‘close’ in burbs the way that NYC/Boston/DC has. To add insult to injury I’ve heard that the public schools even in ‘good’ areas still aren’t comparable to the Stuyvesants/Boston Latin/Mclean schools or the really great suburban schools in Westchester/Tysons/Lexington.
Anon says
I guess it depends what you consider ‘good.’ I’m sure the public schools in the best neighborhoods of the Bay Area like Palo Alto test as well as just about any general public school in the US. Stuyvesant has an exam-based entrance, so I don’t think that’s really comparable to a public school that has to take anyone living in the district. But there’s a lot of academic pressure at the best Bay Area schools and I don’t think it’s an environment I’d want my kids in personally.
anon says
From talking to other parents with older kids, the environment for teens in Palo Alto has improved a ton since its nadir a decade-ish ago. As a parent of elementary school-age kids, my experience has been that Palo Alto is lovely. You can find super intense parents with over-scheduled kids if that’s your thing, but it’s not the dominant culture among families with elementary schoolers
Anon says
The tough thing about the Bay Area is that it doesn’t follow the hub and spoke model of other cities where you can live outside the city in a more affordable area and commute into the city efficiently. The entire region is ridiculously expensive and the public transit is terrible. It depends on what neighborhood he’d be working in, but there’s a reason most people in the Bay Area commute by car. The “commuter rail” in SF is the Caltrain which connects SF to the cities on the peninsula (some of which, like Burlingame and Palo Alto, are just as expensive as SF) and it only goes to one part of SF (4th & King) that isn’t super close to the financial district so it isn’t convenient for a lot of office workers.
Anon says
+1 to the not being typical hub and spoke. Go south, and you run into Silicon Valley where people make even more than SF workers and it is reflected in the real estate. Go north, and you run into beautiful coastal/bay view towns with darling downtowns were many would actually prefer to live over SF and therefore real estate is just as if not more so expensive. East Bay is really the only direction that doesn’t “run into” something like that, but then you are competing against everyone in your same boat.
There is the BART in addition to Caltrain though for commuter rail that does run along the main fidi corridor.
Anon says
Hi! I live in the area. It is extremely expensive. We make it work because we have been here for decades and have been lucky with some housing purchases. My understanding is Craigslist is still the tried and true for apartment listings so you can browse around there to get an idea of apartment costs (if you actually make the step to move here, maybe there are better ways to actually go about getting an apartment, but it should still give you an idea of general costs). If you poke around at house purchase costs on Redfin or Zillow, you need to always look at what past sales have actually gone for not for what new ones are listed for – those two things are often WILDLY different here and you may get a false sense of security if you just poke around at the “for sale” prices.
The website berkeleyparentsnetwork.org might be a good resource to poke around for advice about neighborhoods, moving here, etc. and you can post questions too. (Although it will be more East Bay centric (Berkeley, Oakland, some Lamorinda area).
Since you are posting on this site I’m assuming you have kids? Be aware that the SF school district in the city itself is pretty universally thought of as dysfunctional (yes, yes, there are one or two people that will inevitably say they have found a gem of a school but I would view that as an exception not a rule) so if you are thinking SF proper as you imply you will most likely have to figure private school in your budget. (I say this as someone who is normally very pro public school).
I don’t mean to be debbie downer, there are some great aspects of living here (see: weather, close proximity to some amazing spots like wine country, Carmel, Yosemite, Tahoe etc).
Good luck!
Anonymous says
It’s expensive, but you may also want to consider the cultural differences. Cost of living aside, I could probably live in DC, but I could not live in SF. I have two sets of friends in California and I think it’s amazing as far as weather and things to do, but it’s not a place where I personally would choose to raise a family.
Anon says
My two closest friends are there & I agree (I used to live there but left before having kids). GREAT place to live as a childless adult or adult with grown kids, if you can afford it. But not a place I’d want to raise kids even if I were a gazillionaire.
DMV says
100%. My CA friends hated DC and I like CA to visit but could not imagine raising kids there (and I’d happily raise kids in NYC, Chicago, NJ, PA etc.).
Anonymous says
Why? Not being snarky, I just don’t understand what you mean.
DMV says
I’ll bite – I’m super liberal, and open-minded for the east coast but I’m nowhere’s near open-minded enough for the bay area. Plus, I don’t think tech will solve most of our problems, a difficult opinion to hold out there.
Anon says
Outside of certain hippie enclaves like Berkeley, I don’t actually think the Bay Area is that liberal. I mean, most people there vote for Democrats but tech as an industry is kind of conservative and not known for being super progressive on stuff like equality for women. Tech leaders like Peter Thiel are famous for being in bed with the GOP. My friends at FAANG companies in the Bay Area have more coworkers who support Trump than I do (blue city in red state).
But I agree with you on being skeptical of technology. I don’t want Alexa listening to me, which is a very unpopular opinion out there!
Palo Alto says
I’m a parent in Palo Alto most people I know think of new technologies as just tools which can be helpful or harmful. It’s common for people I know to not use much social media and generally be wary of tech, particularly for children.
Also, I don’t see Palo Alto as more liberal than Arlington, VA. Probably more liberals as a % of the population, but in actually achieving things to make life better for people who aren’t rich, I think Arlington is winning.
Anon says
I’m the 10:01 poster. For me, it’s two separate but related reasons: 1) the academic pressure at Bay Area schools and 2) the ostentatious displays of wealth by all the tech new money. The latter is probably easier to avoid and/or ignore, if you’re not someone who is susceptible to keeping up with the Joneses (although the tales I hear from my friends are truly wild, like preschool birthday parties that cost more than my modest wedding). But the academic pressure is much harder to avoid. To be fair, some degree of this is probably common in the wealthy suburbs of any big city but my sense is that it’s worse in the Bay Area. There are a lot of things that make me uncomfortable that my Bay Area friends seem to view as normal (private tutors for kindergarteners who are above average academically, intense academic summer programs beginning in preschool, children as young as 5 not being allowed to have play dates because their weekends are filled with academics and music instruction, etc.) and that’s just not the culture I want my kids to grow up in. And I can’t imagine it gets better as kids get older and closer to the rat race of college admissions. Our oldest kids are in early elementary school and my friends are already talking about the stress of college admissions, and it’s just….not how I want to live my life.
I lived in the peninsula/south bay so I didn’t experience the issues that SF city has with dr*gs and homelessness. You see the occasional homeless person, but that’s true in any urban area and it didn’t bother me.
Anon says
I think a lot of the academic stuff you describe is more peninsula/south bay specific. I was thinking that the whole time reading your first paragraph before getting to the part that confirmed that is where you lived.
I am in a wealthy part of the East Bay and what you describe at least in elementary for academics has not been my experience at all. (The display of wealth is certainly a factor although TBH we probably inadvertently benefit from that much more than it being a negative).
Anon says
Yeah, totally fair that it’s probably more peninsula/south bay specific. But that’s also where a lot of people want to live for the good schools (as discussed above). I’m glad your experience in the east bay is better!
Palo Alto says
I live in Palo Alto and I’m really sorry that this was your experience. It sounds super foreign to me. Like, I could probably find the people you’re describing with some effort, especially at certain private schools, but it’s not at all the norm among people I know.
There is a fair amount of money in the areas in which I spend time, but people I know tend to be very understated. Like, a well-worn Patagonia jacket is as fancy as it gets. People are pretty live and let live, though there’d be some eye rolling if it seemed like someone was trying to be showy.
Anon says
Interesting! I didn’t live there with kids, so this isn’t my personal experience, but is what I hear from friends, including two very close friends I still talk to regularly and visit every year. I think it’s very possible that my friends are at the more intense end of the spectrum in terms of academics, but from the way they talk the culture around kids, schools and activities does sound very different than where I live.
Anonymous says
I’m Anonymous at 9:57. I have friends in DC and friends in SF. My friends in DC have very different political views than I do but we can agree to disagree and share a lot of the same core values. My friends in California have both this lassiez faire parenting attitude yet they’re somehow also militant that “everything I do is the only way to do things.” Which, ok, but please stop screaming in my face about it. It’s ok for me to make different choices for my family.
Anon says
Can you elaborate on the cultural differences?
Anonymous says
Strung-out people on the street, for one.
Anon says
Yeah, it’s a big problem and I have issues with a certain breed of progressive that will shame anyone for acknowledging reality and saying it’s a problem.
Anon says
Of course it’s a problem. Some of us just don’t think the solution is throwing people in jail.
Anon says
My husband and I are planning to have a kid and we live in the Bay Area with an amazing deal on rent (<2,500 for a two-bedroom with parking, laundry, and pets near Bart in a nice suburb). It comes with trade-offs. We have been able to save so much money by keeping our housing costs down, but our place is really cramped and would probably seem like a dump the most readers here. Since housing will be the most expensive thing here, alongside day care, consider how much you are willing to compromise. Are you willing to live in a dilapidated two bedroom or pay the premium for a three?
anon says
Anyone with ADHD kids started them on Intuniv (Guanfacine) instead of stimulants? Did it work for your kid?
Anonymous says
Not a kid, but I took guanfacine for a while. Alone it didn’t have much affect, but it made the stimulants work better for me, allowing a lower dose. I only stopped taking it because I got pregnant.
anon says
My son has ADHD and takes guanfacine with stimulants. We’ve never tried it by itself. I do think he’s better off with the combination.
Anon says
When it comes to getting illnesses from daycare, how much does excellent hygiene help? My friend and I were talking about this and how it seems to be unavoidable, but there are also some differences between us in terms of hygiene because I have a health condition that makes me extra careful – for example I don’t share water bottles with anyone and I’m very diligent about handwashing, whereas she is a bit more relaxed and will share anything with her kid and wash hands when convenient. Have any of you noticed that really paying close attention to hygiene has helped minimize either bringing things home from daycare or getting them from your kid once they are brought?
Anonymous says
At least in elementary school, classroom hygiene definitely helps. The years that my daughter was in the allergy-friendly classroom where everyone had to wash their hands before and after lunch were much healthier than the years she wasn’t. For in-home transmission, I also think hygiene helps. Paging my husband who ate the sick 2-year-old’s french fries…
Anon says
I think individual DNA/genetics is a much bigger factor than classroom hygiene. My friends and I have seen a lot of variability with how often our kids get sick and with what, but it seems like it really depends on the kids and even between siblings who attend the same daycare it’s common for one kid to get sick constantly and the other not much at all.
If you’re trying to protect your own health, washing hands frequently and wearing a KN95-type mask around a sick kid is probably the best measure.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My kids have gone to the same daycares and have similar hygiene habits at home and still get sick at very different rates. It feels like my younger one constantly has something, whereas the older one is hardly ever sick, and hasn’t been since he was a toddler.
anon says
I agree with this. My kids rarely bring home bugs from school (and if they do it’s minor colds, not anything that produces a fever or requires a ped visit), whereas their bff’s family is constantly sick. We don’t share food/utensils, but I’m sure my kids aren’t amazing at washing their hands at school or anything like that.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, I tend to agree. Even though my kids were in the same daycare for four years, they varied wildly in their likelihood of catching stuff (older is never sick, middle is sick a normal amount). And our good friends with kids in the same daycare had both theirs getting sick constantly. I’d say we are probably on the less hygiene-conscious side of things. We try to have the kids wash hands when they come home from daycare (but forget sometimes) and after the bathroom, but that’s about it. Tho come to think of it, we were all SUPER diligent when I was pregnant during Covid and the first few months of having the baby, but it didn’t seem to make a huge difference.
AwayEmily says
oh, and all three kids share water bottles constantly unless someone is clearly sick. It’s gross, I know, but we just don’t have the energy to enforce by bringing 3 separate water bottles everywhere and/or pulling them away from the baby when she tries to grab them.
Anonymous says
From my perspective and based only on my personal life experience, I don’t know how much a difference there is between “decent” hygiene and “excellent” hygiene in terms of daycare illnesses. For example, I wash my hands after using the bathroom with soap and warm water, however, in public restrooms I don’t use toilet seat covers and I don’t use a paper towel to open the bathroom door (maybe this is considered “terrible hygiene”…. I just don’t think it helps that much.) and definitely not at my office where there are about 16 of us that use the women’s room in my floor. My just turned four year old has been in daycare since age 2 and we’ve had to keep him home from daycare for the day under 10 times in these two years (and only twice for more that one day). He washes his hands at school, but he’s 4, and I doubt it’s perfect hand washing.
Anon says
I make it a point to wash my hands/kid hands when we get home from errands or school, but other than that we are, frankly, what others might consider a dirty family. We don’t live in squalor and keep up a general standard in the house, but we wear shoes inside, share water and food with each other, and basically never wash our hands otherwise unless they are visibly dirty.
We are also very healthy. I have three kids and between them all we’ve had just two courses of antibiotics, no serious illnesses, no Covid, not even earaches or pink eye or strep throat. So…I don’t really know. Maybe our exposure to germs has built up our immune systems, or maybe we are a resilient bunch.
Anonymous says
I think for a daycare, it’s less about your hygiene than the center workers’ hygiene. My kid allergic to eggs and nuts until age 5 had no issues, and while the school was nut-free, they weren’t egg free (and I know some kids ate peanut butter toast or similar for breakfast and showed up covered in nuts). They also taught no sharing food, which we reinforced at home.
Also, there are lots of horror stories about illnesses the first year of daycare or school. Only the horror stories are worth telling, though. My two kids were healthy throughout. Yes, one got HFM, and once there was a fever for a week. Each happened one time! These weren’t shared at home, and while we’re hand washers, we aren’t overly cautious. Sick kids tend to sleep better on a parent, and it’s hard to separate kids when they’re young. These illnesses were anomalies, not the norm. It really is the luck of the draw. The little one was snotty throughout, but never sick—she’s now a snotty 9 year old.
Plan for the worst, choose a daycare that is clean and has hygienic practices (ours wouldn’t let different infants chew on the same toy until it was cleaned), and good luck!
Anon says
I think hygiene is a much bigger factor for things like norovirus (stomach flu), which is primarily spread through surfaces. Respiratory viruses like cold, flu and Covid are spread more through droplets/aerosols, so all the hand-washing and toy-sanitizing in the world isn’t going to do much to stop that (as we saw during the pandemic). I think my kid’s daycare has good hygiene and she has only had one stomach bug in 5 years, which we think she got on an airplane not from the daycare. But it hasn’t stopped her from catching lots of respiratory viruses (mainly colds) at daycare. I don’t blame daycare for that though. It’s inevitable when you have a bunch of tiny people with underdeveloped immune systems in close quarters. And it was really only the first year that was non-stop illness, after that it was much better.
So Anon says
Agree with this approach. All the handwashing is for naught when your toddler sneezes in your face.
anonM says
I’m curious on this too. We’ve all obviously learned a lot from covid, but it’s hard to know which things exactly make a difference overall. One hygine thing that did make a big difference was our old daycare ending its “breakfast room” — where kids dropped off before 8:45am were all in one big room for breakfast. Basically the whole school got HFM, so they stopped doing this class-combining and it did seem to help.
anon says
We had the absolute worst plagues from our daycare, but our daycare also didn’t send sick kids home (despite the policy–note that this was pre-pandemic). Kids had to be really, really, really, sick to be sent home. A 101 degree fever? No problem. Kids would still be there feverish, snotty and miserable. We had one month where we all had the flu, pink eye twice, HFM, norovirus, two awful colds, and a dreadful stomach virus. I think kids got sick so often that parents started sending them sick out of lack of leave. There were always a few noticeably sick kids in every class.
I can’t tell you the number of times I sent a healthy kid and picked up a pretty darn sick kid with no call from the center. They just let it go. We ended up leaving the daycare because I just couldn’t take another round of illness. Our kids were immediately healthy once we switched to different childcare.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it matters (mostly becuase of the point above about how respiratory viruses spread). I think the best think you can do to keep yourself healthy is to take care of your body. Feed it well. Rest it well. Excerise it well (whatever that means for you). Hydrate it well. Kids are going to get stuff at daycare. The times my husband and I catch it are when we are running ourselves into the ground because work is super busy.
Anonymous says
I don’t think our personal hygiene has affected daycare illness rate. However, hygiene of the DAYCARE does, along with illness policies. When my son was first in a SCRUPULOUSLY clean home daycare he did not get sick enough to miss daycare for an entire year. His sibling was at a relatively shoddy and not as clean daycare at the same age (we moved) and was constantly constantly sick. Our experience is also that while it’s really annoying to have a daycare exclude kids for illness, it does prevent the illness from spreading. At a very strict preschool we never got HFM when it went around for example.
Anonymous says
We are not complete monsters but we are definately middle of the road in terms of hygiene. Our kids have great immune systems.
anon says
My kids have quite not great hygiene (they wash their hands after going to the restroom, but not much else and very frequently share water bottles) and they have great immune systems. There are some studies that show that dirt in early childhood boosts immune systems…
Anon says
i can’t remember which of the parenting books i read this in, maybe siblings without rivalry, but it was something about how just because one kid is getting something the other one doesn’t necessarily get it too, like if kid A’s sneakers are too small and kid A needs new sneakers, you shouldn’t automatically buy kid B new sneakers just to make things “fair,” bc it sets up an unrealistic expectation that everything can always be quite so “fair.” so i’ve been trying this method with my kids, and idk if it is because they are twins, or still young (just about 5), but every time kid A gets something and kid B doesn’t, kid A completely loses her mind and becomes HYSTERICAL (the word hysterical capitalized doesn’t even really capture her reaction) and gets so mad at kid B, even though it is not really kid B’s fault and really wants to bite/kick/hurt kid B. we also have situations where Kid A gets something and kid B doesn’t (most recently i can think of that her cup she drinks from was moldy so she got a new one, she got new sneakers because her old ones didn’t fit), and Kid A seems to be able to handle it better. any suggestions for how to navigate?
Anon says
I think this is much harder with twins than with same-aged kids, since they’re so used to getting all the same things. We just work on repeating that things are fair overall and that we’re not prioritizing one twin over the other, but that that doesn’t mean that each always gets exactly the same thing. It’s still an issue at age 6, so mostly I just have sympathy, rather than any tried-and-true suggestions.
OP says
i guess it’s also am i doing the right thing? because in some of these situations i can just buy one of whatever the item is to make it ‘fair’ in the moment, but maybe that just exacerbates the problem?
Anon says
I guess for us we do strive to make things “fair” when it’s reasonable, but have some limits. So like Twin A needs new shoes because the soles are falling off. Twin B’s shoes aren’t quite as beat-up and could last another month or two, but we buy them both new shoes anyway because that would not only be a complaint that it’s not fair, but also be a constant whole thing that now whatever shoes A has are “cooler”. (We always, always buy identical shoes to avoid that fight). Similarly I intend to replace their backpacks and lunchboxes based on when the first one gets holes, because it’s easier than dealing with the drama and the other will inevitably need replacing shortly anyway. As an alternative example, they both have lights that they keep in their bed to read and B’s randomly stopped working, while A’s was totally fine. Only B got a new light and A had to deal with it.
I do also try to emphasize situations where things are equal but not the same. Like on a weekend morning they can choose one special Mama project. One might choose to bake cookies while the other chooses an elaborate craft project–they’re not having the exact same opportunity, but it’s still “fair” because they each get one special thing.
Anon says
shoes that are worn seems different from something actually not fitting? i also kind of wish they’d get mad at me instead of each other because i am the one making the decision
Anon says
One thing I’ll sometimes do is get something for the kid that doesn’t need shoes that they’ll need for an upcoming season. So Twin A will get replacement shoes. Twin B could get a swimsuit or sandals for the summer. Then in a month or two, when needed, I’d get replacement shoes for Twin B and whatever summer item is needed for Twin A. Basically decouple getting them both the same item at the same time, only buy items they need (now or in the future) and avoid replacing an item that doesn’t need to be replaced yet.
anon says
One thing that can help is asking the aggrieved kid to start thinking about what they’ll choose when they need a new cup/shoes/coat, etc. Mine will spend a lot of time making a plan for what they want when it’s their turn.
If they decide, I’ll agree to watch for a sale on their preferred choice so we have it on hand when they need the item. That usually satisfies them.
Anon says
I think you’re right about it being Siblings without Rivalry? I remember something in there about “equal does not mean fair”. You have so much of my sympathy/commiseration. Only advice I have is to keep reminding yourself that you’re doing this to raise healthy adults. The hysterical 5 year old is better than a dependent 25 year old.
OP says
thanks, i’m hoping its one of those short-term pain, long term gain situations…
Anon says
We have 2 good options for K, which would each funnel into a different system K-12. Our house and jobs are very stable, so those logistics will hopefully be the same for the next 20 years.
Our default local district is the “best” in the area and also the most affluent and 100% white. It’s about 12 minutes away in the opposite direction from work, but we would likely qualify for bus. There’s no aftercare, so I would probably have to switch my work schedule and start at 6 (DH handles drop-off).
Or I just found out we could also go into another very good majority-minority charter school. Its 20 mins away from home with no bus, but it’s across the parking lot from my office and on the way to DHs office. There is wraparound care, including snow days.
Both school systems have impressive arts curricula throughout, which is important to me. Charter school has an interesting language and culture program starting in K, but it’s not an immersion program or likely to teach fluency.
WWYD?
Anon says
Normally I would go for the closer option, but it sounds like the charter school has better after care and is convenient despite the longer drive. That’s what I would do.
Anon says
Charter school, mainly because the idea of my kids being in a school that’s 100% white is horrifying to me. Aftercare seems like a big plus too.
Anon says
This also means the town/community must be 100% white, which is as much of a problem!
Anon says
Maybe just the neighborhood? Elementary school boundaries can be narrow. Either way it’s not great, but if the whole city is all white that seems like even more reason to have your kids in a charter school so they can meet people who aren’t white.
OP says
It does, and it is a problem! We’re in a very white area with very powerful historical redlining. We try to reach out across those lines (hence, considering the charter school) but I would also love tips on how to intentionally expose DS to more diversity!
Anonymous says
Try the charter school, and if you don’t like it you can always switch back to your default school district, right? If that’s correct that’s probably what I would do.
Anon says
can you switch out of the charter system into the default local district if you wanted to later on? the other thing i’d think about is what this means socially for your kiddo and for you – like will friends live farther away like for playdates, doing activities, etc.
anon says
+1. I would think about what it means more holistically for your family, not just the commute required. On the other hand, not having aftercare could be difficult.
Anonymous says
I grew up attending magnet schools in a district where there was also a lot of busing to meet racial targets. My daughter has attended neighborhood schools her whole life. That has created a real feeling of community that growing up I thought only existed in books, not just for her but for our entire family.
anon says
What are buses like in your district? Where I am, many parents choose to drive their kids anyway, because they find it more convenient than relying on the bus which can come anywhere within a 30-minute window.
anon says
Hmm…that’s an interesting question. I will have to ask around.
Anonymous says
+1. We have to drive our kid to school so she doesn’t miss 30-40 minutes of instruction because the bus is on a “double-back” schedule.
Anon says
Another thing to ask around about: you say there’s no aftercare, but do you mean just that there’s no aftercare at the school itself or actually that there are no aftercare programs that will pick up your kid after school? Schools in my neighborhood have a variety of places (the same ones that run summer camps or daycares) that will pick up kids by walking/bus/van and transport them to their building for 2pm-6pm.
GCA says
Oh gosh, normally I’m all about the local public school system because they’re usually more racially and socioeconomically diverse than other options, but it would be a no-brainer for me to pick the charter school in this case. And for it to be near your work, with aftercare, plus a bit of formal exposure to other language & culture — those are additional points in its favor.
It sounds like you (and maybe others in your neighborhood) might be grappling with the question of how to intentionally expose kids to more diversity, particularly without treating other diverse families and communities like a field-trip exhibit or charity case. (No one wants to be someone else’s token Working-Class Friend or Friend of Color.) I wonder if one place to start is to look at where you spend your time and money. Do the kids take swim lessons at the local Y, or at a private club? Are you part of a faith community that looks more like your city (or nearest big city) than your specific neighborhood? If you volunteer regularly, could you meet & make friends with fellow volunteers from different walks of life? If kid is an adventurous eater, could you sample different cuisines from local restaurants? Etc. It’s something I’m grappling with myself – if I’m being honest, nearly everyone in my own closest social circles has a college degree, for instance. I think it’s resolved a bit as my oldest has made friends in local public school & taken up various sports, but it’s not perfect.
Anonymous says
Are you going to have more kids? Will they automatically get into the charter?
Anon says
I’m the aftercare poster from yesterday and it turns out we did get a spot! But I’m not sure we’re going to take it because they seem to have really rigid expectations around attendance. They want a list by the end of the week of any dates we’ll be absent for the entire school year, and absences that aren’t included on the form will have to be “excused” by them on a case by case basis. I fully understand we have to pay for the care regardless of whether or not we use it, and it’s reasonable for them to want some notice if my kid will be absent, but it’s not school and it doesn’t seem like we should need their permission to keep our kid home one day. Is this normal or is our aftercare place weirdly rigid?
Anonymous says
That is kind of crazy but is probably related to staffing plans. What happens if you want your kid to attend on a day they were scheduled to be out or vice versa? Will they bar your enrollment the next year?
anon says
It sounds like they want to make sure the spots go to kids who really need aftercare, rather than families who want an option but make other plans half the time. Not necessarily their business if they are getting paid anyway, but reasonable in a school/community with unmet demand.
Anon says
At first I thought that, but I don’t think it’s that because it’s fine to attend only one day a week as long as you tell them in advance. I guess if you only want care MWF they could potentially accept a different kid who only needs TR but it seems like it would be hard to work it out perfectly, especially because most people probably want all five days.
Anon says
and what happens if it isn’t excused by them? your child ‘fails’ aftercare? what if your kid gets sick. if you need the aftercare, just do it and don’t worry about this nonsense
Anon says
I guess maybe they have the right to kick you out after a certain number of absences?
Anon says
which seems silly bc they still have your money…
Anonymous says
Does excused mean you don’t have to pay for it? I’m not surprised they want a schedule of known absences in advance. Like the week before/after spring break there are often a lot of kids out if travel dates don’t match exactly with school break dates. That affects their staffing. But the excused absences is weird.
Anon says
Nope, you pay no matter what (which is fine, and what I expected).
anon says
We have to commit to a specific schedule (every day, MWF, etc….) when signing up, but that’s it. Is this run by school or a 3rd party? YMCA runs ours at school.
Toddler swimwear says
Looking for swimwear for my almost 2.5 year old girl who may be potty trained in the next few months. Any suggestions? Last year she had a Primary rash guard one piece, but I’m not sure if she’ll tolerate the zipper and snaps this year…
Anon says
If you think she’ll be wearing it while potty-training, 2 pieces are 100% the way to go. We liked the Primary rash guards with either Primary or UV skinz shorts. Costco also has some great prices on UVSkinz 2-pieces.
Anon says
Yeah don’t get a one piece if there’s any possibility of potty training! With a toddler, I wanted to minimize surface area for sunscreening so we always did swim shorts and long sleeved rash guards. My 5 year old actually still wears that, even though many girls her age are starting to wear more bikini-style swimwear.
Anon says
I did bikini bottoms with a rashguard top in the toddler years, and now that she is in big kid sizes we do a bikini with a rashguard top (so 3 pieces instead of 2). I like Gap and Lands End for her (and Lands End for me). We get some pushback on the rashguard, but since I always wear one and a large segment of kids at the pool wear one, it hasn’t been too bad.
anon says
+1 rashguard + bikini bottoms is the MVP regardless of potty situation no one wants to pull on a wet once piece in a pool bathroom
anonM says
Some one pieces have snaps on the bottom. So great!
DLC says
Love these! someone gifted us a swimsuit with crotch snaps and it made dealing with the swim diaper and going to the bathroom so much easier than the other swim suits we had tried.
Anon says
i love ruffle butts. pre-potty training we used the one pieces with snaps on the bottom and post we used their two pieces, but size up because they run small. now that my kids are a bit older we’ve gotten like 2 seasons out of each suit. i do wish as the kids got older that they didn’t have the ruffles on the tush, because idk how i feel about that for like a 7 year old, but at 2.5 i think it is adorable.
An.On. says
My 2 year old is wearing a two piece rashguard, long sleeved top and separate bottoms, no zippers or snaps, and it’s worked well so far at swim class, and really hasn’t been a hassle to get on or off, even when it’s wet. If possible, I’d size up slightly on the top to help with ease of dressing/undressing. We got our set at walmart.
Post partum weight loss says
Hi! I’m curious if anyone has tried Weight Watchers post partum and had success losing weight while maintaining milk supply. I’m 3 months post partum and, ever since a couple weeks after birth, I have been sitting 20 lbs heavier than pre-pregnancy. I’m surprised bc I thought the weight would slowly drop off as I walk more, exercise occasionally and eat decently well. Anyway, looking for any advice because I’d love to lose some weight so I can fit into my old clothing before mat leave ends
Anonymous says
It worked really well for me. The app has an option to specify you are BFing. I enjoyed trying new recipes and recalibrating how much protein I was eating, upping my veggies (because zero points!) and making me pay more attention to portion sizes/eating habits. Loved the suggestions for alternate activities for those days when you just want to eat your feelings. Got me into fancy baths as a much healthier alternative.
I don’t buy the WW food ever and I don’t do artificial sweeteners.
anonM says
I have not tried it, but just chiming in as an internet stranger to remind you to give yourself some grace and patience. I take it you’re BF, which can really affect bodies in different ways. I lost weight BF (not because of a diet or exercise/anything I was really doing), but others had the opposite experience. And, even then, it didn’t change until around 7 months, and then I felt sickly tbh, and started weaning soon after. 3 mo is just so early PP. If you want to exercise, I definitely recommend to friends to start with some pelvic floor-friendly exercise (aka, don’t do what I did and try to run, worsen your pelvic floor, then have a hard time running for a long time after).
Anon says
agree with this. BF impacts everyone differently and I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones who weighed less after pregnancy than i did before due to BFing, (but dont worry by the time my twins were 2 i was higher than my pre-pregnancy weight) and horrible PPD/PPA (which i wouldn’t wish on anyone) I have many many many friends who couldn’t shed a pound until they were done BF
Anon says
+1 It’s super common to hold onto an extra 10-20 pounds until you wean. It’s also super common to drop weight quickly while breastfeeding and then gain it all back when you wean, which is what happened to me :(
Anon says
+1 I felt better about a little bit of extra weight while breastfeeding when I read even Serena Williams couldn’t lose an extra 10 pounds until she weaned. 3 months is so early in the process.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I agree with what everyone says here for OP.
For venting…I was one of those who held on to every ounce of weight until I weaned. In fact I think I may have even gained some weight while BF. DS #2 is 2.5 in June and I’m still ~20 lbs from my goal weight because my pregnancy weight gain was compounded by the COVID 15, and I just have a way more demanding job than I had when DS #1 was 0-2, meaning less time to exercise and focus on diet.
Every time I see a fit/trim looking mum with a young baby I still get a flash of envy.
Anon says
I’m 3.5 months postpartum, and about 15 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight. With my first baby (age 40), I was back in pre-pregnancy clothes by 8 weeks. This time (age 43), ha, not so much! Breastfeeding both times. The body does what the body needs to do – respect it. I’m eating well, exercising daily, and my body is taking longer to shed the extra weight because, apparently, that’s what it needs this time around.
If I were you, I’d buy some new clothes for your return to work. I’m lucky for a full-time WFH position so my uniform is Lululemon Aligns and a nursing friendly wrap/deep v-neck shirt.
Mary Moo Cow says
If it helps to hear from an internet stranger, I lost a few pounds in months 1-3, the most pounds in months 3-9, and then nothing until month 12 forward. I didn’t lose the last 5 or so pounds until weaning. Keep in mind, too, that as a bummer as it may be, you may lose the weight but not have your same body.
For weight loss recently (5 years post-last-pregnancy), I’ve had success with noom. I thought about WW but liked the psychological, lasting change angle of noom. I met my goal weight and have maintained weight loss for almost a full year.
Anon says
can you elaborate more on how noom helped you?
Post partum weight loss says
Thanks everyone, I appreciate the responses and support. It’s a good reminder to be patient. I think after so much change, I just wanted to feel like myself again
anonM says
Just a book follow-up to say thanks for the Vanderbeekers recommendation! I saw it mentioned here several times and bought it this weekend. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I am enjoying it and how much my 5yo is really enjoying and comprehending it.
Anon says
i might be too late in the day for this, so might try again tomorrow- has anyone actually gone through the ‘fair play’ exercise in your house? how did it go? has implementation been successful?