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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
NOVA Anon says
Recommendations for a good family photographer who will do a photo shoot in Arlington, VA – thanks ladies!
mascot says
Friends in that area have used Love Life Images, Tomerlin Photography, and Sally Brewer. I only saw preview galleries so I can’t speak to pricing or experience during the shoot.
Carrie M says
I was really happy with Rebecca Emily photography. She does mini sessions all around town; we did ours in one of the gardens at the national cathedral, but I’m pretty sure she does Arl locations too. I’ve also seen positive recs on the MONA list for Jess Lynn photography, Kate at Hudson Street Photo, and morgan renee photography. good luck!
photos says
We were really happy with Stacy Vaeth. She’s out of DC, but I’m sure she would shoot in Arlington. Prices are definitely on the “custom photo art” end of family photography, but her work is beautiful.
Kate Spade help says
x-posted from main site
Treating myself to a new bag at Kate Spade (I like the aesthetic) but overwhelmed by options.
I need a cross body bag with a full zip closure that’s big enough to hold 8.5 x 11 files/papers – i don’t mind if the zipper has to be open to fit the files. Prefer vertical orientation for files. I need a cross body strap so I have both hands free to handle daycare pick up. I’d love to find something in pebbled leather so toddler scratches won’t show.
Any suggestions?
Anonymous says
Let me know what you come up with; I have the same wish list for a bag. I have been obsessing over the Daame bags for a long time but still haven’t pulled the trigger.
Kate Spade help says
On the main site, a few comments recommended the Cobble Hill Ella large but I can’t seem to find it anywhere so trying to decide on Cobble Hill Ella small or Toddy Satchel
There were also a few links to similar Fossil bags if you’re not specifically looking for Kate Spade
bigcitynewmom says
Current/former BigLaw mommies – I have a baby (under 1 year) and am considering a switch from my NYC mid-size firm to a BigLaw firm. The goal is to change practice areas, so that in 2-3 years I’m more competitive for an in-house position. At my mid-law firm, my annual hours requirements are comparable to BigLaw. But, I know that at my current firm, I can leave at a reasonable hour and work from home if needed, and it won’t be held against me. Obviously, I can’t be sure of that in BigLaw. Am I crazy for considering this switch?
Anonymous says
It probably depends on the firm and partners you’re working with. I am at BigLaw and can’t leave at a reasonable hour on a predictable basis.
Anon in NYC says
Yes. At my former firm, it really depended on the case and the partners. I worked on cases where it was not okay to leave at 6, or even, like, 8 pm on a regular basis, or we were asked to bill 12+ a day to a particular case. And even on cases where the partners were known to leave early (say at 6pm), they were usually in at 7am, and it wasn’t a thing that associates could really do.
bigcitynewmom says
Ugh. These are my fears. Like I said below, it seems like I won’t have a better idea until I’m interviewing with actual people in an actual practice group!
Momata says
I’m not a BigLaw mommy. But when I was trying to decide whether I should move into BigLaw as a senior associate from a government job (while 6 months pregnant) with the thought that the BigLaw job would open more doors for me in a few years, a trusted mentor told me that the future is too unpredictable, and that I should take the option that works for me today. I think this is so, so true. (I took the government job, and it lead to my current unicorn dream job that I never could have gotten from BigLaw and that I didn’t anticipate at the time.)
AOP says
Co-sign. The other important point is that my BigLaw job was really flexible, but only after I had put in a few years of hard, non-stop work. I had “earned” a reputation as a hard worker, so when my child came, I had more flexibility to make the hours work for me. I don’t know that I’d start as a new mom, unless I was willing/interested in working like crazy to prove myself for a few years.
anon says
This is my experience. My kid is 1 and I’m a senior associate. The reason I actually get to have flexible hours right now is that I absolutely slaved away for years and I have earned a reputation as reliable and hard working, so when I had to stay home a day last week with a suddenly sick kid, there was grumbling but it was also “ok, you do what you gotta do.” Also, the partners I happen to be working with (after years of working on maneuvering myself to them) are ones who don’t care about face time. There are other partners in my group who really care about face time, and since they’re also jerks, I have really worked hard to not work for them by always being busy with the partners I do like. A new person would not have that ability.
My firm cares less about face time in my particular office than some of our other offices (including NYC), and my impression is that my firm cares less about face time than some other big firms, where there is absolutely no way I could leave at 5pm to get my kid from daycare.
bigcitynewmom says
Helpful perspective – thank you!
Anonymous says
It’s incredibly firm and group dependent. It generally isn’t acceptable in my group to leave and log on from home…but there’s no one in my group in my local office, so I work from home all the time and nobody really cares. But my situation is unusual and in general partners that are tolerant of leaving at 6 and working from home are hard to find in Big Law, especially in litigation practices. If you have that situation now, I’d be very hesitant to leave it.
Carrie M says
I think you can find this in BigLaw, but it does take some work. I’m currently a 6/7 year in litigation and leave most nights by 5:30. Exceptions are obviously for filings, key discovery deadlines, trial prep madness etc. But when I lateraled here, that was something I was very clear about: I want to be able to leave and work from home at night unless there’s a real need for me to be in the office. I’m fortunate that the partners I work with now, for the most part, don’t care where I am as long as I’m getting my work done. I also think it helps that I’m more senior – I feel comfortable setting boundaries now in a way I didn’t as a junior, and I feel like I’ve earned my colleagues’ trust and respect that I’m reliable and will get everything done.
All that said, it does get old signing back online 9 out of 10 weeknights and working from 8:30 to 11:30 (or however long I need to) after putting kiddo to bed. But if that’s what you’re already doing, then you know what you’re in for.
bigcitynewmom says
Thanks – this is what I’m hoping for. I’m in litigation also and know that certain deadlines necessitate late nights in the office, but it’s the “staying late just because” that I’m looking to avoid. I suppose it’s the sort of thing I won’t be able to get a clearer picture on until I’m interviewing.
Midwest Anon says
Also, it can be difficult to determine the culture around hours or facetime when you’re interviewing. I recently lateraled from one midlaw firm to another. During interviews the culture was described as being similar to my old firm’s but with better future opportunities in my practice area (which was the main reason for my move). And by all accounts, it seemed to me that the culture was a good fit! But, here I am, a few months later and I feel duped. The hours requirements are tougher and the culture is very different.
Shh says
+1 on it’s very hard to ascertain this at interview time, unless you have a friend who works at that office. I had a very similar experience to Midwest Anon and felt “duped” as well. It’s hard to be that candidate who asks about work-life balance at the interview, but at the job offer stage I did ask for phone chats and tried to gauge this but it wasn’t enough. I regret not staying at my old place.
Lean out vs. Lean In says
Just returned from maternity leave for #2 and was transferred to a different team. I thought it was for more of a leading role in this department, but new boss told me he didn’t think i was right for that position so I’m basically doing the same job I was doing before but with longer hours, more work and a less friendly boss however possibly good growth potential if i lean in and kick b*tt here. I’ve had it this week. Tons of stuff going on outside of work and toddler got Hand/Foot/Mouth so I’m running on zero sleep. I’m totally at a breaking point today. I feel like I need to decide if I should put my head down and “Lean In” at this job since it is my new chance, or throw my hands up and say I can’ do this and start looking for something else with more flexibility and less growth potential. How long would you give it here before you essentially gave up? I can’t decide if I’m just having a bad week or if this job is unsustainable.
Anonymous says
It sounds like bad week + possibly unsustainable job.
If what you want is more flexibility + more growth potential you may need to look for new opportunities.
Basically your choices are lean in at current job or use the extra effort to search for a new job.
Hang in there, it’s tough with 2 little ones. Maybe just give yourself permission to do the minimum required until you’ve had a chance to adjust post-mat leave.
CLMom says
With the same concept, but under a different scenario, I ask myself “can I get through today/the afternoon/the next two hours?” I ignore the context of the week ahead and the chores at home (I ask myself the same question at home, too, when I get there). I just see if I can grind it out a little longer. Usually I can. Repeat the next day. Before I know it, a week or two has gone by, and suddenly life doesn’t seem as tough as it had because the storm (or hand/mouth/foot) has passed.
CLMom says
Also, I remind myself how I great I am. “Look at all the work I accomplished on no sleep.” “My kiddo is still fed even though I worked all day.” “I can’t believe I’ve held it together for so long. I must be superworman.”
Em says
THIS. I try to acknowledge my achievements, otherwise I would lose myself in the weekly bog. Give yourself credit for all the awesome stuff you did do. Also, both baby and I got HFM a couple weeks ago and our family was in straight up survival mode for 10 days. That shit will level your household and do a number on your perspective. Don’t make huge life decisions in the wake of HFM!
EB0220 says
How long ago did you return?
Lean out vs. Lean In says
This is my third week back… but first week working under new manager.
Spirograph says
Anecdotally — I was back from 2nd maternity leave for about a month in a pretty similar situation before I gave up and asked to work 4 days/week (32 hours). It gave me my sanity back, and was the best decision ever. I did kind of laterally shift my growth potential, but because of the personalities involved as much as anything. A different, less task- & deadline-oriented office in my organization stole me away from the difficult boss, and I leveraged that diversification in experience for a unicorn dream job a year or so later.
You do you. You can definitely power through this (HFM sucks; I’m sorry), but the lean-in / lean-out choice and its ramifications aren’t as binary as it looks with sleep-deprived tunnel vision. IMHO, like someone said yesterday, do what is best for you right now. Opportunities will keep presenting themselves no matter which path you choose, and you can jump on the right one when the timing works!
PEN says
Don’t make decisions while under the awful cloud of HFM. I am so sorry, it is the worst.
Samantha says
Don’t make it under the awful cloud of hormones with being a new mom and back at work! No no no. I was a mess and just tried to get through a few months. Truth be told, I was under a cloud until baby turned one and stopped waking up in the night.
EB0220 says
I agree. I was ready to quit for at least the first year of being back at work after my first baby. Now, my youngest is 2, oldest is 4 and I’m SO glad that I stuck it out.
Carine says
This is encouraging. I have one in preschool and an 8-month-old (who is constantly catching something at daycare!) and I think about quitting almost every day. I’m trying to hang in there, because I recognize that I’m not really in a place to make enormous decisions that would affect the rest of my career, but it’s so hard.
ChiLaw says
I agree with the advice to give yourself a bit more time. You’re in a hell of a week! Is there any chance you could take tomorrow off (use a sick day to care for the kiddo?) to refresh and get some breathing room? I would consider that if you think you would come back on Monday a bit more refreshed, in more of a b*tt kicking mode!
Sometimes I give myself arbitrary but firm deadlines, like “I am going to put everything into this, as much as I can, until October 1, then reevaluate.” Postponing a decision (to a point where you may decide, as Spiro says, that the decision is less binary) can be helpful, and help you be more sure of your choice.
(Do you have some kind of treat lined up for yourself? Can you sneak out for a manicure or a hike with a friend this weekend? You sound like you need a break!)
MD Anon says
Threadjack, anyone have recommendations for how to start finding home daycares? We’re only looking for part time care for our first, which most of the centers around us don’t seem to do, so thinking it’s worth talking to some home daycares to see how flexible they are. We’re in the DC suburbs so Maryland-specific resources would be great, but we’ll take advice on any strategies you’ve found helpful!
EB0220 says
Assuming you want a licensed home daycare, I’d check the state childcare licensing page (checkccmd dot org). They have a type called “home”. I’d also try local facebook moms groups. You can ask parents in your area for recommendations. In-home providers are also often moms, too, so they are often members of the moms groups.
JayJay says
For my first, we only needed someone to watch him 3 days per week because my mother was willing to watch him 2 days. I found someone on care dot com who (wasn’t licensed), but watched him in her home, was a SAHM with a 2 yr old daughter, and lived in our neighborhood. It was a great situation for us.
MDMom says
Talk to other parents. Personal references are great. There is a state resource that can get you started. But do not let state licensing give you a false sense of security. Do a cps clearance and search dc and Maryland case search. Make random visits.
Huzzah! says
I was on the verge of a childcare crisis. My beloved daycare is only open until 5:30, but my workday doesn’t technically end until 5:30. I had gotten reluctant permission to leave a few minutes early to leave, but it was one of those things that would really not have worked out long term. I was ready to switch him to a daycare that I really didn’t like, but at least it was open until 6.
I realized the other day that one of my kid’s favorite daycare teachers, who works until close, walks past my office on her way home. One quick conversation later, she’s going to be making a couple extra bucks a week for very minimal work (she’s happy), I don’t have to worry that I’m going to miss pickup every day (I’m happy) and kiddo gets time with his favorite teacher and a less stressed out mom (so baby is happy)!
I just wanted to share this magical moment with all of you. Also, I think it’s a solution that might possibly work for someone else, and if so- would highly recommend.
Lurker says
That’s awesome! Congrats.
Anonymous says
I love stories like this. What a great situation for all involved!
Anonymous says
I am so happy for you I just welled up!!
Carine says
Wonderful! Such a win!
CPA Lady says
Does anyone have one of those toilet seats with the built in smaller toilet seat for toddlers that you can lift up or down as needed? What kind, and do you like it? And should I also get a tiny floor potty too? I’m not going to try for-real potty training, but I thought maybe it might be time to see if my kid has any interest whatsoever in these items.
Anonymous says
we did a small potty first (Baby Bjorn) as toddler was intimidated by the toilet. We had an insert when he was big enough for the toilet but will definitely use the built in seats after the Bjorn with baby #2 as toddler used to leave the insert on the floor half the time.
EB0220 says
My toddler (just turned 2) can use the regular toilet, but she prefers the small toilets for going #2. The position and having her feet on the ground seems to help. We tried that smaller toilet seat with my oldest and she never really liked it. Also, your toddler can use the floor potty while you’re using the regular toilet. We did this for over a year with my first, with great success. She was a snap to potty train when it was time.
mascot says
We had Bemis (?) built in seats that we installed in a couple of bathrooms. Your local big box hardware store has them. We liked them more that the little potty. Our son was more interested in playing with the little potty than using it and cleaning it can be a little gross.
anon says
We had both, but the big toilet became the favorite quickly as my son can use it to pee standing up (this is a double edged sword as there are a lot of aiming issues) and it doesn’t require special cleaning. But my son also trained late – 3.5; I think a younger/smaller kid might feel more secure on a potty chair. We also used to have a stool by the big toilet.
NewMomAnon says
I have both a little potty chair and a seat insert (it’s a cheap Minnie Mouse seat from Target with a covered foam piece that snaps into a a plastic base and it’s soooooo gross to keep clean – I would recommend a molded plastic version instead). Second the poster who said the benefit of the potty chair is that you can both go at the same time, and it’s an easier position for #2. My kiddo flips back and forth between the two, and usually uses the potty chair for #2. The benefit of the seat insert is that kiddo likes to “dump” her potty seat insert into the toilet herself, and the results are sometimes pretty gross; the seat insert means no dumping is needed.
I think it’s worth having both. If you get a potty chair, try to find one that has a bit of weight to the base and doesn’t have a pee guard; kiddo struggles to get situated on ours because it shifts under her and it’s tough to navigate the pee guard.
ChiLaw says
Any recommendations for a little potty without the pee guard?
My girl is still just practicing (her favorite part is getting a piece of toilet paper to wipe after nothing happens) but she can’t get on the seat without assistance because the pee guard trips her up.
NewMomAnon says
i just found this one on Amazon – it also has the toilet paper, which would be a big win in my house.
https://www.amazon.com/Summer-Infant-Step-Potty-Girl/dp/B00F667QZK/ref=sr_1_15_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1471552806&sr=8-15&keywords=toddler+potty+chair
Ms B says
+1 to at least one of each on potty chair and ring *and you might even want to have one molded ring and one soft one for the same reason. You will not know what works for your kid until it works, KWIM? Best to have options out there. Don’t forget to get a stepstool for use with the big potty and for handwashing, plus moist flushable wipes and Clorox bleach wipes for aim and other cleanup issues on hand.
Maternity/Paternity leave expectations says
Looking for outside opinions on if I’m being completely unreasonable with my husband…
I’m on leave with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. 3 year old goes to daycare 8-12 3x/week. Husband took a week of PTO when the little one was born and had been working a light schedule (full day but WFH so no commute time, or drops our 3 y/o at daycare (normally my job) on his way to work and comes home around 5) for week 2. Next week is normal schedule but he took Friday off since its daycare vacation week and daycare is closed all next week.
When he’s home, he’s (IMHO) pretty useless. He’s always tired, or frantically catching up on emails etc that he would typically be dealing with at work but left early.
I want him to (and have asked) him to own dealing with dinner on days he’s coming home early- and those nights have been utter failures (eggs for the toddler, cereal for me, a few hot dogs for DH). The only way he can be useful for dinner is if I already plan and buy things for the meal.
He goes to bed at 9:30 when I do, and because he works, he doesn’t get up to help with baby. Fine, and what I agreed to. BUT he’s cranky, complains that he’s tired, and doesn’t do anything useful like empty the trash, pick up any of the disaster around the house, or God forbid make coffee in the AM.
I have to leave detailed lists for him to go through and even then, he doesn’t do half the things (“before bed make lunch for ODD” next morning: “oh i didn’t know what to make so I didn’t do that.”). Or I leave breast milk I pumped at 4am on the bathroom counter with a note that says “fridge pls” for him to take to the fridge when he wakes up at 5:30am…and its still there (but moved!!!) at 7 when I wake up (“I didn’t know that note was for me”–who the f else would be using our master bathroom?!). Or use up all the milk and eggs and b*tch that we have none, but don’t put it on a list anywhere, or play with the older kid while I make dinner, and make a HUGE mess that never gets cleaned up.
I’m just…ugh. I know I’m hormonal and sleep deprived but if I were leaving DH home alone with two littles, I’d be leaving him in much better shape.
(1) am I being unreasonable and
(2) if no, how can I better communicate what I need him to do so he does it?
FWIW, he’s a VP/department head type with a stressful, but not 80+ hour a week job. I get that work is important, and that he can’t take a ton of leave (though his company does
Offer 3 paid weeks of pat leave + he has 3-4 weeks of vaction/year that he hadn’t used). But when he is home, I really need more.
Momata says
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. But I also don’t think this particular juncture is worth fighting about, as you say the “normal schedule” is resuming next week (but daycare is also closed?? Good luck…). If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with him in a quiet, non-emotional moment, and say that you need to agree on a new distribution of household tasks since your job is to feed the baby. And then walk through your day and assign certain tasks (coffee, dinner or entertaining kid while you cook, washing dishes) to him. How did he contribute to chores when you were both working?
Maternity/Paternity leave expectations says
Normal schedule = he’s out of the house 7am-6pm. But I’m still needing/ expecting him to be helpful vs useless and/or actively UNhelpful. So, maybe a weeknight grocery run (with a list I make), cleaning the kitchen after dinner (which I make) while I nurse/put both kids to bed…help making lunch for the next day, etc.
I’m home on leave for another few months.
Anon in NYC says
I agree that I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all (and I would be pretty annoyed by some of your examples), but you may not want to pick this fight right now.
I also wonder if this is how he normally is? How was he on the week that he was on full PTO? Pre-second baby, was he usually pretty useless at home but it was more manageable with just one kid because you picked up the slack?
NewMomAnon says
Yuck. I remember being in that position just postpartum, and realizing that my partner was suddenly useless. A few thoughts:
First, the research is showing that in the first 6 weeks postpartum, dads are actually more sleep deprived than new moms because they are working and can’t take rests during the day. (sidenote: I’m waiting for malpractice insurers to require lawyers, doctors, accountants, etc to take 6 weeks of family leave after a baby is born as a risk management mechanism- mwahahaha). A little bit of empathy can go a long way.
A little bit of outsourcing can also go a long way; you need a housekeeper for the next few months. Somebody who will pick up, clean, grocery shop, do your laundry, change your sheets, take out the trash, etc. It sounds like neither of you have capacity to handle this right now. Accept that and throw some money at the problem.
Also, some of your displeasure may be a result of standards that are too high; eggs for dinner is a high protein meal for a picky toddler (and certainly not what I fed my daughter for dinner…). Leaving bm on the counter for an extra hour and a half isn’t a huge deal. A huge mess is par for the course with a toddler and a new baby.
Last, is it possible he is experiencing postpartum depression? Research is also showing that up to 25% of dads (I may have made that number up, it’s between 10 and 25%) experience postpartum depression but rarely receive treatment for it. The risk is higher if mom is also experiencing postpartum depression. Therapy for one or both of you might be helpful. If he won’t do therapy, see if you can get him to do some new parent coaching; it’s a trendy employee benefit right now so I’m sure you can find some providers in your area.
Maternity/Paternity leave expectations says
Eggs are a lazy dinner. Our toddler isn’t picky in the slightest, he just didn’t plan :-)
NewMomAnon says
I don’t always plan dinner either but my kid gets good food and is growing fine. Lower your standards, or he’s going to stop doing anything because he’s d*mned if does, d*mned if he doesn’t, so he might as well save the energy.
And get a housekeeper. And grocery delivery. And increased daycare. If both of you are at 110% already, every additional project is a zero sum negotiation between the two of you. Your marriage is so valuable, it’s more fragile than you realize, and rebuilding once it crumbles is harder than reinforcing now. I know.
Anon for This says
I know this wasn’t directed at me but I needed to hear this. Light bulb moment. I feel so incredibly used, stretched too thin, etc. and feel super resentful toward my husband.
Kids are young, this will pass, he feels stressed too.
Thank you.
RR says
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but who cares? Eggs are a fine, healthy dinner that he took care of and you didn’t have to.
That said, I totally agree that you are not out of line being frustrated, but you do need to lower expectations for both of you right now and be clearer to him about what you need. And lots of outsourcing. There’s no reason to fight about who cleans. Hire someone to do it.
HSAL says
Eggs are also a delicious dinner that I’ve planned for my baby for tonight. It definitely sucks and I totally sympathize. But I also agree with lowering expectations, at least until you’re out of the newborn woods.
Coach Laura says
Good luck. I had the same problem.
Ideas: Can he stock up on Trader Joe’s prepackaged meals and/or stop for Whole Foods salad bar meals on the way home? WF would have some salad bar options for the toddler. Can you pre-plan meals for him if that’s not his forte and let him do the shopping and prep? Buy dino chicken nuggets and tater tots to keep in the freezer and buy cut-up veggies for the toddler.
From now until school starts, hire a teenager or college kid for 10-6 daily to help you with toddler, wash/dry clothes, load/empty dishwasher, walk toddler around the yard/neighborhood (or to/from daycare if possible). They could also grocery shop, pick up dry-cleaning and go to the post office… stuff like that. I did this for a mom with cancer one summer when I was 14 – my 12yo sister and I tag-teamed an 8-6 five days a week schedule to cover the time that the dad was at work. The person you get doesn’t have to be up to nanny standards (that is, you’re not leaving her alone with toddler and newborn) because you’re there to supervise but this would give you time to nurse and also nap/rest.
Or hire a housecleaner/nanny/doula type temporarily from care.com to make dinner, take baby so you can nap, play with toddler and other things listed above.
Try grocery delivery services – amazon fresh, safeway – most metro areas have some sort of delivery as do some grocery stores. Even just ordering all your staples from amazon like pasta, rice, oatmeal, tea, coffee plus diapers and paper products would be cost- and time-effective.
Anonymous says
I agree that he should be helping more but also that your standards are too high. One of the things Sheryl Sandberg talks about in Lean In is how if you want your DH to help around the house, you have to accept that things won’t be done your way. It’s totally fair to expect your DH to cook dinner, but you don’t get to complain when he cooks your kid scrambled eggs which is a perfectly healthy and satisfactory dinner for a 3 yo (unless your kid has an egg allergy obviously). Cereal for you is more complaint worthy since he didn’t have to do anything to cook it. But in general I do think you should expect more out of him but also give him more control to do things his ways even if it’s not up to your standards. And he may shy away from doing things if you dictate how they’re done, so you may find that if you give him more freedom to prep a dinner of his choosing he’s more willing to help out.
I do think unless your husband has a crazy commute that working at home isn’t buying him that much time. He’s only saving commute time, since he needs to be working when he’s WAH, not prepping dinner or whatever. But I don’t think that’s the real issue and anyway he’s going back to work outside the home soon.
What is your childcare situation for your 3 yo when you’re not on leave? Because right now I hear that your 3 yo is only in daycare 12 hours a week – surely when you’re working he’s in daycare more like 40 hours? Is there any possibility of getting more childcare for the older one? I know most of the specific examples you listed relate to infant care, but not having to watch a 3 yo all day would probably make you a lot less exhausted. You could nap when the baby naps, etc.
AnonMN says
I 100% agree with the above re: more childcare. We pulled my first out of daycare midway through my maternity leave to help him to transition to being home more when the nanny started. It was a disaster, and a sobering reality check that no, I would not like to be a SAHM, thanks. I was not at all a nice person to my husband at the end of those days, and had a lot more expectations for him. A week later he went back to full time daycare and I went back to the lazy newborn days of resting, etc. It sounds like your husband has a pretty stressful job and doesn’t have the capacity to help, but neither do you. So if you can, throw money at the problem. More care for 3yo, house cleaner, take out, etc. Anything to get you through those crazy newborn days.
Anonymous says
Yes. Our older child stayed in full time childcare while I was on 2nd maternity leave since we would have lost the spot in our center otherwise, and I am so glad we went that route. I recognize this is a luxury that many people can’t afford, but if it’s financially feasible, I would absolutely get more hours of care for your 3 year old. Maternity leave is so. much. more manageable when you’re only caring for yourself and your newborn. There was one week daycare was closed, and it was terrible. Plus, I think my older child benefited from maintaining his routine and not being at home to see the baby taking over all of mommy’s attention all day (and mommy being stressed out and exhausted and snappish).
I agree with everyone else: throw money at these problems if you can. You’re both at the end of your rope, and trying to decide who is being reasonable when you have a <1 month infant is not a useful exercise.
AnonMN says
I should also note that we used the strategy about a month after I returned to work where I wrote down everything that needs to be done in the house (including cleaning, childcare management, health management, laundry). I put down who was currently doing what in a column and I was doing 75% of the tasks. We then divided equally so as to balance it out. This works for us because we both have equally flexible/demanding jobs right now. But even if yours aren’t equal, you could make sure the split is balanced based on the jobs (or hire out what no one wants to do). I do have to take a hands off approach to what my husband does though.
Another approach that we use is to let go what doesn’t matter. For example, neither of us like meal planning/prep so we just do marinated meat and have meat and veggies every night. Sometimes with a carb on the side. Not fancy, or different, but it works for us.
mascot says
1) Maybe. How were things before you went on leave? Who was in charge of these various items? Did he leave a mess before but it didn’t bother you as much because you weren’t home to step over it 100 times a day? How much can you outsource or lower your expectation? Cereal or eggs for dinner isn’t the end of the world. Also, an automatic coffee maker with a timer is awesome. Somehow its easier to set it up the night before than have to mess with it in the morning.
2) Your full time job right now is to care for the baby instead of going to work at an office. So you are just as busy and likely running on less sleep. I have a WAH spouse and its hard to not just assume that because he is home that he can handle house stuff during the day. He can’t because he has a real job that needs to be done.
3) BREATHE. This is survival mode. Do whatever it takes to get through this phase and try not to project ahead that this dooms your marriage and your children.
Maternity/Paternity leave expectations says
Ha, we have an auto coffee maker. His job is to set it, which he forgets to do.
Anonymous says
You’re not unreasonable. Honestly, I used to let stuff slack around the house pre-kids until my DH pointed out that there were only two adults in the house so if didn’t do something it was left on his plate. That was a real light bulb moment for me.
He needs to either help more or he has to arrange for hired help – maybe a post-partum doula?
And if you’re getting up at night during the week – he should do it on the weekends, or at least take the baby after the first feed in the morning so you can sleep in.
Due in December says
1) No. I would be livid in your situation. You are 2 weeks postpartum…meaning you are hormonal, you are breastfeeding, you are probably still dealing with the physical effects of childbirth.
2) This is the tricky part. Quick question because certain behaviors you describe sound like my husband–does he perhaps have ADD?
Moving on, I think Anon in NYC asks the right questions. This doesn’t really answer your shorter-term issues, but if the answers to those questions are “yes” and this is his normal behavior (pre-Baby #2, when he was taking PTO), you may want to consider having him take some of his leave at some point so you two can “switch places” and he can have primary responsibility for these things. So he can see/experience all the things that need to get done, rather than just having you tell him about it.
Closet Redux says
Solidarity, mama. This sounds really overwhelming.
I like a lot of the ideas here about building more capacity by hiring help with cleaning, groceries, meals, and childcare. If that is doable for you, do that. It’s a path of less resistance than trying to police and behavior-change your husband, at least in the short-term.
I know I had a lot of resentment for my husband in the weeks after our first baby arrived– well-deserved, but also ill-placed. I was tired, overwhelmed, isolated, and irritable. Even if he had been doing everything “right,” I probably still would have felt the same. It’s an emotional and frightening time. Just know that it is short-lived! You will get through this together and it’s important to pick your battles.
That said, these are still pickable battles I think. While I’m firmly in the pro-eggs-for-dinner camp, if more varied/complex meals are important to you, then he needs to prioritize it. You make the list (so you know what’s on it– it’s important to YOU, but he may not see it as such) and he can grocery shop and prepare the meal. Smaller things, like flipping the switch on the coffee maker, maybe let go.
You are not being unreasonable by needing more help. A new mom needs help! Your husband needs to step it up, but triage what you expect him to do and let the rest go. It’s better for all of you in the long run.
Hang in there, you are amazing!
NewMomAnon says
I h ave a male colleague whose wife is 2 weeks from her due date, and he said with a smile that they are in the period of pregnancy in which he receives a lot of ‘helpful feedback on his personality’ from his wife. I loved it. I wish all guys had the perspective to know that this is a phase and it will pass, and to let it roll off their backs.
EB0220 says
This made me LOL in a meeting.
Due in 2 weeks says
lol, I just asked my husband if he works with you. He won’t admit it if he does. :)
lucy stone says
I am a week overdue and my husband just walked into me chanting in the bathroom “I love him I just can’t remember why right now.” I am going to tell him I’m not the only one who is offering helpful feedback.
pockets says
It sounds like you would benefit from a service like Blue Apron or Hellofresh. They send you the food to make a certain number of meals a week and the recipes to cook it. If your husband is willing to cook and the only gap is the shopping and planning, this may solve your dinner problems.
AIMS says
Agree with this suggestion. I would be frustrated too but you also need to try to deal with the situation as it is. You’re both exhausted and adjusting to a new routine; hopefully this will all work itself out soon but in the meantime try to figure out how to minimize the stress in a way that works for both of you. Beyond meal delivery services, can you ask him what he needs to make it easier for him to help you? I feel like you’re getting frustrated because you are giving him very detailed instructions and he is still not able to do what you need but maybe there is a better way for you to communicate with him about things.
Also: just as an aside – reading your post, I was trying to remember who took care of dinner the first few weeks of maternity leave after our baby was born and besides the first post hospital sushi I had, I honestly can’t remember a single meal! It could have been me, him, takeout – I can’t remember a thing. This will all be a foggy memory soon!
NewMomAnon says
I think I ate a lot of granola bars and peanut butter on graham crackers. I specifically remember debating whether it would make me a bad mommy to eat the peanut butter I dropped on sleeping kiddo’s head.
ChiLaw says
I feel your frustration. Let me know if I’m projecting, but when I was immediately postpartum, I sort of had this mental list of “these are the things I can do today” and I doled out my energy to do them (nurse, diapers, maybe leave the house, maybe run one errand, do a particular chore, whatever) and then if there was an ADDITIONAL thing I had to do, it threw me into despair, because where would the energy come from?! (Oh, the time I walked to the coffee shop and bought a giant iced coffee and then SPILLED it in the lobby of our building and then sobbed because how would I clean it up? where would i put the baby while I figured out how to clean it up? husband wouldn’t be home for hours and hours! i needed that coffee so badly!) I was fragile. I have always prided myself on being a woman who gets things done even in really difficult situations, a woman who more than pulls her weight, and being laid out flat (energy and emotion -wise) post-partum was haaaard.
I wanted to give you some support and commiseration, but I’m going to refrain from giving you advice because I don’t know what I suggest! I used a combination of crying to my husband, bitching about him to my friends, trying to suck it up, and talking like an adult with him. As I got more rest and felt more together, things honestly kind of fixed themselves.
Faye says
I know I’m late but thank you for this story. It brought back a similar mat-leave memory for me, where I sobbed while pushing the stroller around my neighborhood because I had to pee but didn’t know how to carry the stroller and/or sleeping baby up the stairs to our house. Not a good time mentally and emotionally for me.
We both made an agreement that we wouldn’t make any life choices in the first year after a kid. Being a mom of a baby is really hard for me, and I’m not a good person during that time. Once they start walking and talking (and sleeping more regularly) I am much closer to my normal self.
Maternity/Paternity leave expectations says
Thanks, all. I really appreciate the perspective & suggestions. I figured I was being 80% unreasonable in my urge to whack DH upside the head.
I called in reinforcements and have my mom (who tries my patience but is another pair of hands) and a sitter coming next week. And asked friends to visit this weekend.
Coach Laura says
Nice! Hope by this time next week you’re less stressed.
Closet Redux says
My colleague is leaving soon for a two week vacation to an exotic and faraway land– think savannah safari or kayaking the fjords or something like that. He says, “I’ve never taken 2 weeks off in a row before.” I say, “Yeah, neither have I.” He responds, “Didn’t you take maternity leave?” OH MY GOD NOT THE SAME.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry you have to work with such an A$$hole.
Anonymous says
OMG kudos on not punching him in the face.
GCA says
“Are you taking a newborn with you?”
NewMomAnon says
“Oh, I didn’t realize this was a medical leave for you. Best luck on your recovery.” Hand deliver a casserole into his garage while he’s gone, preferably one with lots of eggs so it smells great when he returns.
sfg says
+1000
Lurker says
Now granted, I don’t YET have kids (though read here because I’m trying) I didn’t read his statement with as much malice as you guys did. I read it as “I have never been out of the office for 2 weeks” as opposed to “I have never taken a 2 week vacation.” Maternity leave is certainly no vacation but it is time out of the office.
NewMomAnon says
Yeah, he likened his vacation to maternity leave, which requires correcting. They are not the same and they do not have the same effect on one’s career trajectory.
Anon says
I had a coworker tell me that he “wished he could take a 12-week vacation” before I went on mat leave. He has since made several other stupid comments since I have come back.
Anonymous says
my standard reply for these situations (when I can confront the person) is to make them explicitly say what they are implying, like:
Co-worker: I wish I could take a 12 week vacation”
Me: “Me too! That sounds great, me too. Sure could use a vacation after mat leave. So great to be back at the office where it’s much easier than caring for a newborn while recovering medically”
Co-worker: “mat leave is great break from the office grind, wish I could get some time off”
me: I don’t understand.. do you wish you could get mat leave or vacation?
Co-worker: mat leave is like vacation
me: how so?
co-worker: you’re not at the office
me: that’s true. Usually the baby isn’t born at the office. Have you ever cared for a newborn while recovering medically? No? Well, it’s like that time you were out for a month with your knee replacement except also having to take care of a baby 24/7. Where are you going for your vacation this year?
Mpix canvas sale says
To whoever was looking for a place to make canvases to put up at home, Mpix.com is having a 25% off sale between now and 8/24.
-sfg
H says
Has anyone used Artkive? I read about it on a blog yesterday and really like the idea but the website didn’t give a ton of information.
Sleep deprived new mom says
I’m two months post partum and have an extra ten pounds hanging around my mid section. Anyone have any recommendations for shapewear that may help me hide it a little? TIA!
Frozen Peach says
This is weird, but I buy the cheap Spanx line Sara Blakely’s thick high-waisted tights, then cut off the legs. Kind of hilarious that I do that when that’s how Spanx were invented, but I like having more pairs (cheaper!) and they actually fit better and are more comfortable than Spanx.
D. Meagle says
Going on a road trip with toddlers. Any recommendations for audio books they might enjoy?
NewMomAnon says
I loaded a voice recording software on an old iPhone phone and then recorded myself and other family members singing and reading stories. It’s calming for kiddo. Putting the recordings on an old iPod Nano or Mini would be even better, because it would be harder to accidentally navigate out of the music player mode if kiddo was playing with it herself.
I don’t know if you can get it in just audio mode, but Scholastic has videos of popular kid’s books. We have a video that has Chicka Chicka Boom Boom (which is awesome) and several other books. You can find them on YouTube and YouTube kids too, although I assume you don’t want to incur the data charges to stream video the entire ride.
Samantha says
My child started kindergarten yesterday! Never mind that he’s been going to preschool/daycare for years, it was an emotional moment for me. And I teared up when I read NewMomAnon’s post yesterday where her child said “I be happy at daycare”. May all our babies be happy at their daycares and schools and preschools! That is all.
NewMomAnon says
I can’t even imagine kindergarten. I still remember my first day of kindergarten and feeling so big, and not at all scared, and not sure why the adults were making such a big fuss about it. My mom just gave me the shirt I wore on the first day of kindergarten, and it’s the same size my daughter is wearing now. Almost broke me….
Hugs. I hope it’s a wonderful year for you and your kiddo.
Betty says
My oldest starts in two weeks, and I am surprisingly emotional about it! He is going to the same public school that he went to last year for public pre-K, but this just feels bigger?
EB0220 says
My oldest goes next year. I can’t even. She’s been in daycare since 8 weeks, but still.
Stay or go? says
Augh, I need someone to tell me what to do.
I’ve been fighting off a crappy cold all week. No major symptoms other than stuffy /drippy nose, sore throat, no appetite and exhaustion. And a low-grade fever. It’s a virus. But I’ve been working long stressful hours and am getting worse every day. My boss has asked me if I’m okay twice already today.
I have no meetings this afternoon and I’m considering decamping for home with my laptop. But I’m a relatively new hire who’s had to take a few sick days already, and I constantly stress about being perceived as the delicate flower.
It’s already 2 pm– should I stick it out until 5 and save myself the worrying? Or should I leave now, beat the commuting traffic, and get some things done from the couch? I’ve been trying to make this decision for several hours, so I’m asking the hive.
mascot says
If an afternoon of working from home can stave off a full blown sick day, I’d go for it.
Anon in NYC says
Go home! Drink a lot of fluids, take some pain relievers, get some rest.
octagon says
I have been in your shoes, and I finish the day working at home. Especially if your boss is asking if you’re okay.
Obviously this is a know-your-office situation since you are a new hire, but when it’s happened to me, I’ve framed it as “I’m fighting a cold, so I’m going to work the rest of the day from home. I’m not unwell enough to need a sick day, but I don’t want to risk spreading the germs to our co-workers.”
Closet Redux says
Please go home. On behalf of your coworkers (and boss) who don’t want to catch your cold: go home. Much worse than being perceived as a delicate flower is being blamed as a selfish vector of disease!
Feel better.
Meg Murry says
Fever + sore throat and drippy nose – maybe a trip to an Urgent Care/walk in clinic for a rapid strep test? When I last had strep my throat actually didn’t feel that sore, it was my head ache and fever that sent me to the doctor because I thought I had the flu and was hoping I was in the 24-48 hour window for a dose of tamiflu.
I hope you feel better soon! At a minimum, can you cancel all your weekend plans and just stay in bed with some orange juice and chicken soup? Maybe a couple days of sleep will get you past this.