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I resisted getting an air fryer for so long. I told myself I didn’t need to take up more counter space with another gadget. However, the decision was made for me by my husband, who saw one on sale and bought it without my input. I am kind of glad he did (don’t tell him I said that), because I am in love with this machine.
Anything that you’d put in a toaster oven (or even regular oven) can go in and will come out incredibly crispy in a short amount of time. My son eats a lot of frozen food: nuggets, fish sticks, veggie burgers, frozen fries, etc., and food is ready in half the time and is twice as tasty. I haven’t turned on my oven since we bought it.
A caveat is that if you live somewhere without a lot of counter space, I probably wouldn’t buy it, but since we technically do have the space, it was worthwhile.
This air fryer is $89.99 at Amazon. 4-Quart Air Fryer
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
fallen says
so my 2.5 year old who hasn’t slept through the night in weeks (was waking up once at around 3 or 6 am and needs a quick check-in) slept through the night for the first time in a while yesterday… after we skipped his nap!! i am gonna guess that 2.5 year old is too young to lose the nap? i think it would totally be worth it if it got him to sleep 8-7:30 again.
Cb says
It might be time to drop it? My son dropped his nap before three, right at the beginning of lockdown, which was brutal but did get him to sleep a bit earlier. We now do an hour of quiet time in his room and an hour of tv to give us that break that the nap provided.
Pogo says
+1 though we moved the TV time to later aka his witching hour (4-5ish) when he is most cranky. It calms him down and he will eat dinner and go straight to bed. Now that he’s 3 he holds it together much better in the evening. He still naps at daycare and won’t fall asleep til 9/9:15 on those days. No nap days he sleeps 12-13 hours straight.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s too young. My daughter started napping inconsistently shortly after turning 2 (which coincided with the beginning of lockdown) and has fully dropped it by 2.5 even though we’re back to a normal routine as far as she’s concerned with school five days/week. We had a family history though, I stopped napping around 2.5 also and my husband dropped his nap before turning 2. All of us were/are great nighttime sleepers.
Anon says
If he’s not a disaster in the evening, then I think you’re good! Nap dropping seems to vary a lot by kid. My niece stopped napping at 2, but for my kids one dropped it at 3.5 and one is 4 and still needs a nap 6 days out of 7.
avocado says
Different kids have different needs. Mine slept very well at night after age 6 months or so, but only napped from about 12 months to 22 months. No one, not even the day care teachers, could get her to nap as an infant unless she was being held or was in motion (car or stroller). The toddler teachers did manage to establish an afternoon nap for a while, but she dropped that pretty quickly.
If dropping the nap improves his nighttime sleep and doesn’t turn him into a cranky mess in the evening, go for it!
Anonymous says
If you’re not ready to drop the nap and kid naps easily, perhaps shorten it. For the last year of naps for my second, we limited them to an hour and then woke kid up. Otherwise she’d sleep for 2 plus and be a bear at night. Daycare also was agreeable to waking up kid.
Anonymous says
I think it’s a bit young to drop the nap, if only because there are downsides to your family if you drop it (earlier bedtimes aren’t so fun), but it is obviously a personal call. For us, we hired a sleep consultant who basically told us to walk the kid back to the room every single time in the most boring way possible (i.e. no talking, no snuggling, just walk him back) and set up a sticker chart with rewards/”consequences” if the kid keeps coming into the room. I thought it would never work but it did after about a week of consistently doing this and laying it on thick with praise/rewards if he slept through the night.
If you do drop the nap, you could see more sleep disruptions if you don’t do an early enough bedtime. Our sleep situation got worse when ours dropped the nap around 3.75 y.o. until we were given the advice to try a much earlier bedtime. So instead of a 8pm bedtime, we rolled it all the way back to 6:30. Suddenly, he slept through the night again. But it sucks to have this earlier bedtime bc we have to have dinner on the table no later than 5:30, which is tough. His bedtime is now closer to 7 but we’d kill to have that nap back.
Anon says
Counterpoint: I love the earlier bedtime and having evenings to myself/with DH. I don’t know what I’m going to do when my kid stops going to bed by 7 pm. I have friends whose preschoolers still nap and they have 9 pm, 10 pm, even 11 pm bedtimes. That’s absolutely wild to me. I need to be in bed by 10 pm myself or I can’t get the sleep I need, and I need at least a couple hours to decompress from the day, I can’t just put my kid down and then immediately fall asleep myself. Kid bedtime after 8 pm feels like it would absolutely wreak havoc on my life.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same here. We had to drop our 4.5 year old’s nap earlier this year because otherwise he wasn’t falling asleep until 9:30/10. Now, he’s asleep by 7-7:30 and it makes such a difference in our night! We can actually watch full shows! Read books! Bath time is still rough as I can tell he’s tired, but worth it for the extra time at night.
anon says
Same! We’ve moved bedtime back to 8 instead of 7 and I miss that extra hour of adult time in the evening!
Pogo says
Yup. We asked daycare to try shortening because ours doesn’t fall asleep until 9, but even if he only naps an hour that’s what we get. He isn’t required to nap but is required to have quiet time on his cot (can read a book, snuggle his lovey, whatever). He just passes right out, I think from the routine – not all the kids nap, so it’s not even like he sees everybody doing it so he feels like he has to. But I cannot wait for the day when he drops it for real at daycare so we get that 7-10pm time back as a couple!
Anon says
My preschooler goes to bed around 10 without a nap (with a nap it was midnight or 1AM!). It’s brutal – she’s lower sleep needs (about 9-11 hours a night depending on how tired she is), my husband is high sleep needs and I’m in the middle to low end. She must be going through a growth spurt because she’s been asking to go to bed super early this week (7:30 early) and has been staying asleep until her usual middle of the night wakeup. DH and I eat dinner in blissful solitude and are like, wow, this is what normal families are like!
NYCer says
Same! I love the early bedtimes.
GCA says
When kid 1 was still napping at daycare (well into preschool!), we would just lean into the late bedtimes, especially in summer – it gave us more time with him, less dinner rush, we could go out to eat without fear of a meltdown, etc. Now kid 2 is peak needs-a-nap-but-bedtime-is-late age, and it’s dark earlier and it’s not like we’re going anywhere… argh! She’s home with a nanny so we just have to wake her before 3.30pm or bedtime is 9+++ even as her brother is conked out at 8.
Anonymous at 9:48AM says
Updating to say that I love an earlier bedtime for the 4 year old, but our 2 year old is still staying up till 8:30 so we basically have the worst of both worlds: early dinner, late “quitting time!”
anon says
We went through the exact same thing right before 2.5 months. Very occasionally, she will pass out on the couch for 15-20 minutes… like 1x a month after a really busy day. But the night sleep improved so dramatically after naps ended I just went with it. At the 2.5 year visit we asked the ped and he felt it was fine after learning she slept 11.5-12 hours overnight. Kids are all different, my nephew is 3.5 and takes a nap every day. I miss it, but I DO NOT MISSS the bedtime battles.
Anonymous says
My DD dropped it at 2years 8 months. Just refused napping. But she sleeps 12.5hrsbat night and it’s been fine.
Anon says
My two kids both slept the whole night last night. It was AMAZING! My little one naps by my older one didn’t drop his nap until 3.5.
Anon says
Is it normal for kids to get harder to understand as they start speaking in longer, more complex sentences? My 2.5 year old’s vocabulary and grammar seem normal or even advanced for her age, but I feel like I can barely understand what she says – I frequently have to ask her to repeat herself a few times before I have any idea what she’s trying to say. I think part of it is just that it’s harder to understand now that she talks in a more animated fashion and her sentences are more complex (eg., everyone knows what “meek” means when a kid is pointing at their bottle, but when every word in a sentence is mispronounced like that it’s more of a puzzle?) It does feel like some words that she used to say pretty well now come out wrong, though. The paranoid part of me wonders if her enunciation is regressing because everyone wears masks at school so she no longer sees anyone’s lips, but maybe that’s crazy.
Anonymous says
Totally normal. Preschoolers are much more difficult to understand, and less likely to pronounce individual words correctly, when they are first trying to put together complex sentences.
I think concerns over masks at day care inhibiting language development are overblown. Day care is a busy place with lots going on, and kids are rarely going to be focusing intently on someone’s mouth while the person is talking to them–maybe, possibly, during circle time for some older kids who are really intense and pay great attention, but that’s about it.
mascot says
First, ask her to slow down when she speaks and make sure you model speaking slowly to her at home. That can help. Also, it’s worth asking your pediatrician for a referral for a speech and hearing evaluation. It was one thing when strangers had a hard time understanding what my son was saying, but when we told his doctor at his 3 year checkup that we couldn’t understand him at home at least 30% of the time and that my son was getting frustrated, he immediately gave us the referral for speech. Masks may be making this a little worse, but go with your gut here.
twinon says
My kids are 3 and are very advanced in their vocabulary/sentence structure (or so their ped and daycare teachers tell us), but their enunciation has substantially regressed in the last 6 months. They’re home with us/in virtual preK so almost all their adult interactions are unmasked, but I think it’s because they mostly just hang out in our family of 4 and their twin and parents can understand them fine, so why bother enunciating more.
I’m hoping it will improve once they get back in real school this winter/spring, but in the meantime am trying not to worry about it.
anon says
If you’re concerned, there’s no reason not to bring it up with her physician and to ask about a hearing test. Fluid in the ears can affect enunciation. If that comes back clear, you could also consider getting a speech evaluation if the pediatrician/daycare has concerns.
No one here can tell you if what you’re hearing is normal. If you are concerned, most locales do free speech evaluations through early childhood services, though the names of the programs vary.
Anonymous says
Okay, Hive, my five year old has become something else. Recently, she just acts so ungrateful and unappreciative for all that she has (on lots of different levels). After doing our best for a while to be patient and explain to her that she should be grateful, my husband and I finally lost our tempers this morning. How do I raise a grateful child? I want her to understand that she is fortunate to have all the food, toys, clothes, stable home, two parents who love her, etc. And clearly I need to do a better job teaching her about it. What is your advice? Thanks!
Anon says
Personally, I would go easy on her during these crazy times when her world has been turned upside down. Yes, big picture she may have a lot to be grateful for, but this stretch of her life is still really hard. I’m for sure feeling pretty sad and miserable these days, and most 5 year olds don’t regulate their emotions as well as adults.
Anonymous says
Honestly are you out of your mind? She’s 5. She isn’t supposed to be grateful for food. Or loving parents. Or a stable home. Those are what children are entitled to expect. The fact that not all children get those things doesn’t mean your 5 year old needs to be grateful for not being neglected.
It is wildly wildly inappropriate that you and your husband lost your tempers about this. Get control of yourselves. Expect her to say please and thank you. Write thank you notes for gifts together. Model saying things like “I’m really glad we all got to enjoy going to the park today.”
You can’t discipline or yell at a child to make them grateful and you shouldn’t try.
Anon says
I don’t think 5 year olds need to be grateful for food and shelter, but I think 5 is not too young to be aware that your family is privileged and you get many opportunities other kids don’t. We were already starting to work on it with my 2 year old when she would whine on plane trips, reminding her that many kids her age have never even been on a plane and she’s lucky to have this opportunity, etc. I think you could do a lot more in that direction with a 5 year old.
Anon says
This seems like this could easily become counterproductive? I remember knowing kids who were straight up resentful of the poor people that were used to guilt trip them into good behavior.
Anonymous says
I think the concept of gratefulness is really hard for a small child to understand. After all, while yes, she should be grateful, it is also part of the basic social contract of having kids that you will provide those things to her. Personally, one of the things I have bad memories about growing up was my dad yelling at me I should be thankful for food, the chance to do chores, etc- I was a kid, it’s not like I had a frame of reference to understand that things could be different, and what kid is excited to do chores? If I’m not acting grateful enough are you going to get rid of me? Maybe we’re not getting the full context but it sounds like you are emphasizing this in a non-age appropriate way and your child is understandably pushing back.
Anonymous says
Did you have these things growing up? I didn’t, and it really bugs me that my husband and daughter take everything we have for granted and complain about the things we don’t have. On some level, a kid who grows up in a stable home with all her needs met is just never going to be capable of fully appreciating how extraordinary it is to have enough food on the table, adequate health care, and two parents who love her and don’t hurt her.
You can require her to treat you, your home, and her things with respect. You can incorporate practices such as naming one thing you’re grateful for at dinner every night. When life gets a bit more normal again, you can also engage in activities that expose her to the wider world. Our Girl Scout troop does a lot of service projects and field trips that show the girls in an age-appropriate way that there are people, and animals, out there who don’t have their basic needs met. They have packed Thanksgiving boxes, sorted food at the food bank, toured the animal shelter, and made blankets for kids with cancer and toured the children’s hospital to drop them off. It blew their little minds when the lady at the food bank explained that paper towels are a luxury to many of their customers.
Anonymous says
I didn’t actually. And I’m grateful my child can take for granted having her basic needs met.
anon says
I see it this way: Being grateful is a feeling and you can’t tell a person to feel a certain way. Being kind is an action and you can teach a 5 yo to be respectful and kind to others. I’d focus on asking her to treat her family with kindness, rather than making demands, which you’re hearing as ungratefulness.
Anonymous says
I agree. We talk to our kids about how fortunate we are compared to so many others, and model and try to encourage gratitude, empathy, charity and volunteerism. But I can’t make them feel grateful. I can and do enforce being kind, respectful, and polite. My kids are not allowed to say, “yuck, I hate this food!” and shove it across the table because that is terrible manners and hurts my/daddy’s feelings. And they have to say please and thank you because it’s important to be polite.
I can’t speak to experiences of or with children who have truly known want, because I haven’t lived it or been close to someone who has, but all kids I’ve ever known well (including myself and my siblings) have been a little entitled, think the world revolves around them, and get indignant about small things not going their way. I come across very few adults who act like entitled jerks, so I figure that unless their parents are total boors, kids will learn eventually. To me, 5 is too young to expect genuine gratitude from a child for her basic needs having always been met, but it’s not too young to expect politeness most of the time.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I get where you’re coming from, especially if your childhood wasn’t full of everything that you’re trying to give her. My childhood wasn’t bad but there’s a lot that I wish I had and when I see my kids (who have everything I wanted) act ungrateful… it hurts. But I think that is more my issue and something to explore in therapy. I think you can model gratitude with your husband by saying thank you when one of you cooks dinner, does dishes, etc. It takes years, but I think that kids pick up on the relationships among the adults around them and eventually learn gratitude. When she’s older, I think you can encourage more volunteering and service events as a family.
Anonymous says
+1 for modeling gratitude. My husband and I have always thanked each other for cooking and doing household tasks, and our daughter picked up on this and copies us.
Anon says
I guess this must depend on how you grew up, but I think it’s kind of weird to thank people for doing normal household tasks. I certainly thank my husband if he goes out of his way to do a favor for me, but I’d be annoyed as h3ll if I were expected to thank him every time he took out the trash or whatever – it’s part of adulting and I don’t really think people need to be constantly praised for doing what’s expected of them.
anne-on says
It IS a little strange and felt weird as heck at first, but it does seem to drill into kids that these things are work someone is doing and that they should appreciate that work. I am WAY more an ‘acts of service’ person than ‘words of affirmation’ but it is really sweet to hear my kid thank me for making dinner for the family, or bringing his water bottle up to his bed or something. Worst case scenario we’re teaching him to recognize that household chores are not invisible (we’ve all had THAT ‘I don’t see mess’ roommate) and require effort and you should be aware of/thank whoever is doing them. Not the worst habit to teach.
Anonymous says
I don’t think of it as constant praise just politeness. I say thank you for doing routine things just like I do when someone passes me the salt at dinner.
Anon says
This is something DH and I struggle with. I share your view, that I shouldn’t have to thank you for doing what you are supposed to do. Above and beyond, sure, but not things that are “your job”. DH gets upset and unmotivated if he doesn’t feel appreciated for doing things (even if they are basic, life things, like you live in the house and generate trash so maybe you should take it out when you notice it’s full and don’t need to be thanked for it?) – he grew up in a household that constantly thanks each other. But, it’s not a big lift (even if it’s weird and I mentally roll my eyes) for me to thank him when he does things (and he always thanks me). And it is the sweetest when my toddler says “thank you for cooking dinner” or “thank you for washing my dirty clothes”. So while I agree it’s weird, it does help to model gratitude, although I have my own concerns about it teaching a weird construct where we need to thank people for following through on the things they are required to do, and like I said, it goes a long way for happiness in my marriage.
Cb says
We do this and I think it’s important to model but also to remind ourselves how the other person contributes. My son says ‘Thank you for a lovely dinner mama’ before getting down from the table because he is used to saying it. He’s only 3 but will say thank you unprompted 75% of the time, and is really helpful around the house, and I always make sure to express appreciation for things he and his dad do, and likewise.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think about this similarly to how I treat my employee and coworkers at work – are they being paid to do the job? Sure, but I also make a point of saying thank you for all of the work that is done. It’s even more important for me to value the contributions that are done around the house as those are often undervalued in greater society. Plus it is nice to hear my kids say thank you to us!
Anon says
There are a lot of years ahead for teaching this. At five, I agree with going overboard to model gratitude yourself (thanking her and your husband when they help you, for example) and also helping her write thank you notes for things received. Talk about kids with less when you contribute to a food pantry or a toy drive (or other kind of charity – make her aware this is an action your family values).
As a person who grew up with every need met and, honestly, took a lot for granted, here are some ideas based on what I plan to do with my children to foster gratitude:
– Give them an allowance and require them to purchase some things for themselves as tweens/teens (clothes above and beyond basics, spending money for the movies or dinner with friends, etc)
– Require chores because that is how we serve each other and contribute to the household
– Not sign them up for every lesson and “opportunity”- let them help prioritize
– Involve them in the family budget and be transparent about finances at age appropriate levels
– NOT pay fully for college; let them have some skin in the game
– Wait a long time on getting them a phone or any other kind of “status” item; have them help pay for it
Anonanonanon says
This. I was raised with a lot and had wonderful parents but I did not appreciate those things until I was an adult living on my own raising my own child. I am strongly considering encouraging my son to take a year off to work before college, so he sees how hard people in service industries etc. have to work for their money and how quickly that money goes away on basic things. I think if I had truly appreciated and understood that, I would have understood that college is easy compared to real life and would have taken it much more seriously.
Understanding that a tank of gas is X hours of work is a real game-changer in appreciating things.
Anon says
100% cosign on not fully paying for college. I grew up SO much in law school and took school so much more seriously because I had loans in my own name. My parents paid $250k+ for my undergrad and I took it all for granted and frankly wasted my stupidly expensive private school education. I still want to give my kids a lot of help with school, because I know graduating with massive debt can really hold you back financially, but I want my kids to have some of their own money at stake when they go to college.
Anon says
I took college very seriously because my parents were paying. Grad school was where I was on the hook and struggled more. I’m not sure there are rules about how the psychology plays out.
Anon says
Fair enough, and I definitely want to help my kids a lot with college. I don’t want them to graduate with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt when they have parents who could have easily paid for it. But I don’t really see a downside to kids having some skin in the game.
Anonanonanon says
I got irrationally upset with my 10-year-old over similar behavior, where he was being unreasonably picky about food a few months ago. I realized that I was as angry as I was because it was (is, I guess) a very scary and unstable time and I was scared for him. I knew the grocery supply chain wasn’t strong at that time, it was hard to find our usual things, and we were lucky ones with money. I knew a lot of families were having to eat whatever the food pantry could give them, for the first time in their lives, and explain to their kids why they don’t have the food they want. My son didn’t know that, of course. But, I got as angry as I did because I was scared I had not raised a resilient child, and was worried about what would happen to him if things got worse and he couldn’t even handle having annie’s white cheddar mac and cheese instead of trader joe’s white cheddar mac and cheese. I just wanted to share that, because knowing why I was so upset helped me.
He’s obviously older than a 5-year-old, but we dropped some stuff off at one of the food collection boxes and then drove by a distribution site later that week and I pointed out the line. I explained to him that the people in that line are in a position where they have to eat whatever is given to them, and we talked about how hard it must be for those kids. We made a deal that I would be more understanding of him if he would be more understanding of the food situation and of why we were frustrated when he complained.
Anonymous says
I identify with your feelings so much. My child has landed herself in the hospital twice out of pickiness and stubbornness, once because she refused to drink when she had a stomach bug and got dehydrated, and once when she refused to take an oral antibiotic because she didn’t like the taste and ended up with a bad case of pneumonia. I worry a lot that if things get really bad she will literally choose to die rather than eat or drink something she doesn’t like. She is also incredibly lazy and will routinely go hungry rather than getting herself a snack, get dehydrated because she doesn’t bother to drink, fail to shower or brush her teeth while she’s away at camp or on a trip without parents, etc. I don’t know how she is going to survive out in the world on her own.
Anonymous says
You’ve posted about this before and every time it is deeply disturbing. She is a child. She is not lazy and picky and stubborn and choosing to die. She is troubled and needs help. As do you. Please find her and yourself excellent therapists and stop talking about your child like this it is harmful and wrong.
anne-on says
+1 – this seems WELL out of the bounds of normal behavior. Is my kid forgetful sometimes (most of the time)? Yes. Instead of letting him get dehydrated/overly hungry/skip showers we work on executive functioning skills (as they do at school) – writing things down, asking an adult to remind you, putting a list of things that need to be done daily on the fridge, etc. And we enforce natural consequences when they are low stakes – forgot today was funny hat day at school? I’m sorry you missed out, that sounds sad. Lets talk about how you can do a better job remembering next time. Your job is to help them figure these things out and model them, not expect that they will automatically know/be grateful for food/shelter/etc.
Also – there are a LOT of books available about how different kids have different circumstances (Maddi’s Fridge, the Water Princess, etc. etc) – maybe make it a point to read those together and discuss them?
Anon says
Yes she needs to be evaluated by a neuropsychologist; these aren’t signs of “stubbornness” or “laziness.” But they can be signs of impaired executive function, impaired interoception, and neurological sensory sensitivities.
Anon says
Yeah, maybe what my parents did when I was growing up isn’t allowed now but I couldn’t “refuse” an antibiotic or eye drop or ear drop. I was held down, mouth opened, and it was shot down my throat.
Anonanonanon says
My brother struggles like this and it’s because he is autistic. He literally cannot transfer today’s explanation of why you need to brush your teeth and hair to the next day. Just like he can make a purchase at the convenience store closest to my parents’ house, but cannot transfer his understanding of how to make a purchase in a store to the next store. He will never be able to live on his own.
Given that she’s been in the hospital twice, I’m sure you’ve discussed this with doctors, but if you’re not getting referred to a therapist to help or referrals for evaluation, I’d keep pushing.
Anon says
Is it really that weird for 5 year olds to not brush their teeth without a reminder? I assumed that most kids that age still needed fairly close parental “managing” even if they can do the actual task themselves. But agreed that even if it is way outside the bounds of normal behavior, it needs to be treated by a doctor/psychologist and you shouldn’t label your kid lazy.
Anonymous says
That’s an extremely small piece of the picture she painted.
Anonymous says
Not the point, I know, but Annie’s mac IS Trader Joe’s mac. Annie’s is TJ’s supplier for that product. Maybe this can avert a future whine ;)
OP says
Thanks, everyone. While I agree that losing our tempers is never ideal or appropriate, it really feels like kiddo has crossed the line from typical ungrateful child who doesn’t yet understand that many people are food insecure, homeless, etc. to spoiled brat who needs her parents to make a change and parent her better. I understand that losing my temper is not the way to do that, but life happens. For a little context and to respond to some comments above, kiddo went back to daycare in June. She started a new pre-K this schoolyear, which she really likes. She does the school after care three times per week (at our local Y), and comes home when the pre-K day is over at 2:15 twice per week. I like to think that pre-covid she wasn’t all that spoiled by DH and me. But with covid, we really needed more to entertain her and got into a bad habit of getting her more material things that we had previously. I don’t know if that is related or just a coincidence, but since school started, it has definitely scaled back. Yesterday was her birthday, and this morning she emerged from her room to tell me all the ways her birthday presents weren’t “right”. My initial response was “thank you for letting me know”, and then I kept making her lunch. She continued to be pretty rude in that regard for a while, and I mostly just ignored it. She and her dad were at the kitchen table playing with one of the not perfect gifts, which was her choice, while I finished packing lunch. Then I went over to have a calm, heartfelt discussion about being thankful. I got about a sentence and a half in when she went off about said non-perfect gift again. Her dad and I were super over it at that point – between the attitude, the not paying attention/listening, the interrupting, etc.
And to be clear, this is not an isolated incident, but rather something that has been building for at least a few months that we’ve been patient about and mostly ignored. This is just one example. It’s not like she was rude this morning only and we lost it.
Anonymous says
Yeah but she’s 5. This really isn’t that uncommon or abnormal and yelling isn’t helpful.
Anonymous says
I should really just stop posting on here. Clearly I said that I know that it wasn’t helpful, appropriate, ideal, etc. And I feel awful and am still upset about it over four hours later. But thanks for AGAIN pointing out how much I suck as a parent. I really hope you have someone in your life to kick you while you’re down, too. Becuase it feels freaking awesome.
Clementine says
Well, you know that I as a mother have NEVER lost my temper because I am (actually) Instagram perfect all the time.
Wait, KIDDING. Dude, I lose my temper with my kids. I did the thing you’re never supposed to do and yelled and threw toys in a garbage bag because sometimes you get mad! And it’s human! And you sit down and talk to your kid about what made you upset and model how to resolve conflict for them.
I think that you sound like somebody who wants to make sure their kid doesn’t grow up to be one of those ‘entitled’ kids that everybody rolls their eyes at. While I agree that often, that kind of pickiness or fussiness is an age appropriate way for a child to exert control over their environment, particularly in a time where there is massive global instability, there are also ways to cultivate gratitude.
Expose your child to what others experience. October is ‘Sock-tober’, an intiative where lots of organizations collect socks for individuals in need. This is a really crucial need because nobody donates new socks! And people need multiple pairs! An age appropriate activity is talking about that and then delivering socks to a local homeless outreach organization. Another age appropriate activity is to make ‘hygiene kits’ (sometimes called ‘blessings bags’) with things like toothbrushes, toothpaste, some wet wipes, hand sanitizer, etc. to give to individuals you see panhandling. Allow your child to see what the experience of others is firsthand to draw their own conclusions.
I think it’s so hard because like, I’ve worked so hard to give my kid a life that doesn’t have the struggles mine did as a kid. But also… he has no idea how good he has it! And (as I’ve mentioned on here before) I’m a foster parent, so we literally have to have conversations about really heavy topics like homelessness and incarcerated parents with other kids. And it’s STILL a struggle to focus on that ‘attitude of gratitude.’
anon says
+1 I think unfortunately you’re the one who sounds a bit off base here – I’m sorry!
anon says
Keep piling on, jeez. She already said that she didn’t feel good about it!
Anon says
I get it. I would be annoyed too. I have gotten pretty frustrated with my preschooler in similar situations. I agree that yelling isn’t optimal in most situations (the one major exception being an immediate physical danger, like running into the street) but most parents I know lose their cool on occasion. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it.
Anon says
That is frustrating. It is really hard to keep cool when a child is repeatedly pushing our buttons. Don’t feel too bad – we have ALL been there.
I *try* to channel Janet Lansbury in these moments – “I’m sorry to hear to you say that” and ignore, if that’s all the patience I can muster. One step further would be finding some detail to empathize with – “Yes, it would be cool if her dress were pink instead. It’s hard when something isn’t exactly how you expected!” and then stop talking. It’s SO much easier said than done, but if I can quickly validate feelings and then move on (stop listening and let it roll over me) I have a better chance of keeping calm
Anon says
+1
anne-on says
So, assuming the yelling was a one-off for you, have you talked with her about both appropriate behaviors and about YOUR feelings? Or apologized to HER for how you reacted?
Some scripts might be – I’m sorry I yelled, yelling isn’t how we communicate in this family and I don’t want anyone in this family to act that way, and when we do, we should apologize. I yelled because I was upset about your interrupting/not listening. It made me sad when you told me that you didn’t like a gift I spent time, and energy, and money picking out for you.
This is about the age when they start to realize grown ups have feelings too. I remember walking away from the dinner table in tears once when my son was about 6 or so? He told me how gross and yucky dinner was and then gagged/pretended to throw up. I calmed down and we had a long talk about how cooking dinner takes time, uses ingredients that we have to pay for, mommy tries to think about what is healthy/what people like, and how it hurts my feelings when he is mean/rude about that. He still doesn’t always love dinner, but we always thank whoever cooked for MAKING it, and the worst thing you are allowed to say about it is ‘this is not my favorite’ or ‘next time can you add/subtract x ingredient’.
Anonanonanon says
That sounds very, very frustrating and fwiw I would have lost my temper and snapped at my kid if they were acting like that. I would be worried about how they’re acting out in the world and how it’s making their teachers etc. view them and treat them.
And honestly, I’m going to disagree with people to say it is expected for a 5 year old to act this way. I think you’re right to be concerned and to want to make a change. You’ve acknowledged yelling isn’t the way to do that, but I think it’s good you’re recognizing it’s a problem. This is directed more at everyone saying it’s not a big deal than at you, but I don’t know anyone who would accept their 5-year-old talking like that. I would not look favorably upon a 5-year-old who was rude like that to or in front of me.
I think it’s appropriate to say “I understand you wanted the doll to have a pink dress, but they don’t make this doll with a pink dress. Mommy looked really hard everywhere I could and this is the one I found. I understand it’s not exactly what you wanted and that you’re disappointed, but you still need to be nice. I worked really hard to find you presents you would like for your special day. Imagine if you worked really hard to draw me a pretty picture of something, say, a flower. And you gave it to me and I said ‘I don’t like purple flowers i want a pink flower.’ How would you feel if that happened? That’s how mommy feels when you’re not nice about the presents.”
Kids are entitled to feelings like everyone else, yes. But it’s our job to teach them to manage those feelings in an appropriate way that doesn’t negatively impact everyone around them.
anon says
Yeah, I’m with you OP. I would’ve lost my temper at that point, too. You do not suck as a parent, I promise.
Anon says
Me too! If my child acted like that, I would be disturbed and angry and would be wondering what to do differently to help her be more appreciative and respectful. I don’t know why everyone is acting like you need to apologize and have the perfect script to say to your child. That’s not realistic either! All parents get mad sometimes. I get frustrated when parents are expected to behave like an angelic therapist at all times.
AwayEmily says
I agree with this. It mostly comes up with us around dinner. If my husband or I spend time cooking a nice meal, our kids are absolutely not allowed to be rude about it. They don’t have to eat anything they don’t want to eat, but they may not say “EW!” or yell “I don’t want to eat this!” And if they do, they get a stern talking-to. Most of the time it is a calm talking-to but on occasion (e.g. when I’ve spent a lot of time cooking something they explicitly said they wanted and then they make a disgusted face and push it away), I have been known to be a bit less calm. So yes, I empathize with your reaction and I don’t think it’s the worst thing to sometimes show emotion when you find a behavior to be really unacceptable.
Anon says
ok so i have a memory, maybe i was 6 or 7, and i was opening bday gifts in front of family and said that i didn’t like one of them/want it in front of the person who gave it to me…it was incredibly rude and my parents explained that even if we don’t like something or want to keep it, we can decide that later and at the time should say thank you. i remember a friend in college telling us a story from when she was a little kid about how she was writing thank you notes and her mom told her she had to write something along the lines of “thank you so much for the ….” and that she didn’t think that she should write that because she did not like the gift and that would be lying and she had been told it was bad to lie….a lot of things around politeness/manners are nuanced and are in some ways in direct conflict with the idea that we also teach kids to always tell the truth and i think it takes time and more life experience for kids to really get what is appropriate in each context. i would also have a conversation with kiddo about why she was disappointed in the gifts/why they arent good and what could be done differently next time…i had a lot of issues with bdays as a kid, where i had this out of a movie idea that every single one was supposed to be amazing and special with these unique gifts, etc. and often ended up disappointed, and i think a lot of this stemmed from my unrealistic expectations and being told constantly about how your bday is your ‘special’ day, etc. and from some other anxiety i had over other things as a kid
SC says
+1 to all of this. I agree that 5 year olds often imagine a toy a particular way. I’ve asked my son what he wants for Christmas, and he seems to have this idea that if he can imagine it, it exists. That was fine when he was 3 and asked for “a toy lawnmower that looks and sounds like a real lawnmower.” Now, he wants a self-propelling train (no battery, no charger) that knows where to go (AI, basically, no remote) that also can fly, so he’s going to be disappointed on Christmas if I can’t talk him out of that.
I remember being 6 and really wanting a L’il Miss Magic Hair doll based on the commercial. (You can google it if you don’t remember.) I had this whole thing built up in my head. My parents said no to the doll and warned me it was not a toy I’d like. I insisted. They gave me extra chores to earn the doll. I did chores for weeks (or days? maybe? it felt like a long time). We went to the store, and I proudly bought the doll with “my” money. My parents were right. The doll was dumb. The hair thing was fun for like 5 minutes. It did not feel magical. That’s just part of growing up, but I can understand why that disappointment seems more loaded when it’s a birthday present or some other occasion we attach importance to.
Anon says
Birthday gifts can feel strange when they seem to reflect mismatches between one’s self-perception and the identity that other people seem to be projecting onto you specifically while commemorating one’s birth. This is a lot for a small child to work through. It sounds like she doesn’t feel understood, and I don’t think it’s age appropriate for her to hide her feelings and relate to her own parents like a fellow adult. I feel like How to Talk so Kids Will Listen/Listen so Kids will Talk or even some Janet Lansbury (with a grain of salt) could help here.
Artemis says
Honestly, I don’t understand it when posters excessively chide fellow moms for admitting to losing their tempers or yelling at their kids, or ask if it was a “one-off”. Are there really parents here who have only ever yelled at their kids once?
I also think people have different thresholds of what constitutes “yelling”, as in “screaming at the top of your lungs”, “saying derogatory things”, “talking in a loud stern voice”, “elevating volume slightly while forming coherent sentences about why you are mad so they know you’re serious”. All of those are very different scenarios.
Also, people have different kids. Maybe you never yell because your kid is basically a rule follower who is pretty chill. Guess what? Not all kids are like yours. Some kids are generally well-behaved good kids overall but also super intelligent extremely spirited high-energy back-talkers who always have opinions, can’t stop arguing, don’t always know when to stop, and know what buttons to push. Ask me how I know–I love my kids, appreciate them, and shower them with affection–but I also do yell at them, and I’m working on it.
None of us should verbally abuse our kids. All of us should be prepared to apologize to our kids and model moving forward from mistakes when necessary. All of us should try to do the best we can each day, or better today than yesterday.
OP, your scenario sounds very similar to ones I’ve experienced–my youngest is 5 and I can tell you it gets better, but it’s a very gradual process, and it may not always be an easy road! You did get great suggestions here–thank-you notes, conversations, volunteer experiences, etc. Those have all helped me and my kids.
Honestly, one of my favorite tongue-in-cheek parenting quotes? “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them”. Ha ha?
Anonymous says
This. I use yelling for ‘talking loudly in a stern voice’ but I 100% agree the term means different things to different people.
anon says
It’s probably too late for you to see this but you are my favorite person on the internet today. Thank you for saying all of this!
Anon says
The birthday gift thing is SO frustrating. My friend’s kid just turned 5 and said the same thing but was super dramatic — “my birthday is now RUINED because my gifts weren’t perfect!!” followed by crying and moping. It was terrible, and in your spot I would have also been upset. I get so mad at my kid when she does these things. You are not a terrible parent for yelling.
I talk to my kid a lot about being grateful, not wasting things, and the fact that things are limited. I also tell her that mommy goes to work to earn money to pay for the things we have, and that there’s a limited amount of money and we have to decide how to spend it and if we spend it on A then we won’t have enough left for B. This comes up a lot with water bottles — “if you lose your water bottle I will buy you a new one. But my money is not infinite, so if I have to buy you a new water bottle, there might not be enough money for ice cream at the playground this weekend. So it’s better to take care of our things and not have to replace them.” After several repetitions, she stopped saying “but we can just buy a new water bottle.” So far this skill has not transferred to other things yet, but I’m working on it.
anon says
Just chiming in to say, I do think it’s good to work on politeness at this age. Maybe focus on that rather than gratefulness (and politeness within the family!)
anon. says
Best non-candy Halloween giveaway this year? Don’t worry, no Covid spread involved – just trying to think of something fun to give out for kids in my son’s class where there are lots of food allergies. Thanks. (Glow sticks? Slime? Help!)
Anonymous says
What age? I vote for something consumable over plastic junk, and definitely not slime. Glow sticks are good as long as you read reviews and don’t get the kind prone to leaking. Oriental Trading has some cute little Halloween activity pads.
Spirograph says
NO SLIME. My husband bought slime for the kids when he was hanging out with them on the day off on Monday. Monday night: someone left slime on the couch cushion. Daughter sat in it, wearing her new pj pants, resulting in many, many tears. Then I put my arm on a throw pillow and stuck to it. My evening consisted of yelling at my husband never to buy that crap again (I’m not proud of it, and apologized later) removing the cushion cover and pillow cover — which released feathers everywhere because they’d been escaping from the pillow in there for who-knows-how-long — cleaning everything with rubbing alcohol and a scraper, and doing an extra load of laundry. The cover’s still not back on the cushion yet, because that’s the kind of week it’s been.
I vote glow sticks if you want something that will make the kids really gleeful. Plus, they’re a good safety item if there’s any trick-or-treating in your area.
Io says
Most slime dissolves in white vinegar.
(Ask me how I know!)
Anon says
Glow sticks would be my vote. Or maybe go flashback with silly putty? Definitely not slime…or window gel clings that stain wood floors….or silly string (all things in our “boo basket” that I did not get a chance to hide before my toddler decimated them).
Anon says
Welch’s fruit snacks
Anonanonanon says
How old are the kids?
Glow sticks and temporary tattoos are nice because once they’re used you can throw them away without the kid flipping out. Stickers for the same reason.
Anonymous says
I vote for stickers, tattoos, or pencils.
And as an allergy mom, thanks for following the rules. We’ve dealt with years of students and teachers ignoring the rules – my kid doesn’t want to be told to ‘give it to her brother’ while she sits and watches everyone else eat their special teacher treat.
anon says
I like to do tattoos
TheElms says
Playdoh and a halloween themed cookie cutter to use with the playdoh? Halloween themed pencils? If they are older there are Halloween themed mad libs
Anonanonanon says
Great suggestion! I always loved when my son came home with one of those little play dohs in a goody bag from a holiday thing. The idea of adding a little cookie cutter is really cute.
Anon says
If you know any of the kids in the class have Celiac or otherwise can’t eat wheat, there are also knock off versions of play doh that are wheat free. You could ask the teacher how many wheat free ones you need!
anon says
If they are older than 3 or 4 I’d say $1 each! You could be cutely and tie a string around it or put a note with a pun about a buck or something else.
anon says
NO SLIME. Once you’ve cleaned that stuff out of carpet, you, too, will want to strangle the person who dares to give a child slime.