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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 120 Comments · by

Maternity Monday: Mama Cowl Neck Ruched Maternity Dress

Maternity

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A woman wearing a Mama Cowl Neck Ruched Maternity Dress.Whoa: how have I not noticed this highly rated dress on Amazon for $35?!? Fine, fine, $36.99. I always love it when there are customer photos — Amazon is doing more and more of that — and everyone looks great. The dress comes in short sleeves as well as a simpler top; note that the brand (store?) seems to have a ton of regular, non-maternity merchandise as well. PattyBoutik Mama Cowl Neck Ruched Stretch Maternity Dress Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. AIMS says

    Wow, everyone does look pretty great in the customer photos. I was never a fan of this silhouette for work when I was pregnant but it looks cute on others.

    Now for a question – I want to get one of those stroller muffs for the cold weather and there are so many options I’m feeling overwhelmed. We have an uppa baby stroller, but I don’t know that I need an UB one necessarily and it doesn’t look that warm. JJ Cole seems to make a ton and theirs are half the price but is it better to get something else? What about 7AM ones – I had one of their things for the car seat last year and it was fantastic. FWIW, I’m in NYC so winter gets cold and windy here and we’re outside a lot so I want to get something good.

    • Closet Redux says

      I recommend the JJ Cole Bundleme. The “Arctic” I think is the warmest one but we were fine with the “Urban” and if necessary, just put extra blankets inside. Boston, so similar winters. Like so many baby things I feel like the brands are functionally equivalent and differ only in cultural cache.

      • AIMS says

        … “the brands are functionally equivalent and differ only in cultural cache” – thank you for framing it so perfectly! And good to know JJ Cole will do.

      • LB says

        Ditto. Very warm (used during Boston winters) and especially good with the Uppa Baby stroller.

    • JayJay says

      My cousin that lives in upstate NY swore by the JJ Cole ones for his son. I’ve bought a few for friends and was impressed by how warm they were.

      • AIMS says

        This is as unanimous as “train is better than plane to DC from NY” — thanks all!

    • Katala says

      +1 to JJ Cole. Easy to install in both of our strollers, easy to wash, held up well for a winter and plan to use it for #2 (if it ever gets cold enough here).

      This dress seems nice and the price is right. Very glad to have the customer photos because that last one confirms that my ample rear would make it too s*xy for the office. I bought a sweater from the brand (non-maternity) and it seemed to run smallish with narrow arms.

    • pockets says

      I have the 7am. Love it. It’s warm, it’s aesthetically pleasing, and it holds up well.

      • pockets says

        Also FWIW, if you are in NYC, EVERYONE has the 7am. I think I see like 5 or 6 7am’s for every JJ Cole.

        • anon says

          Um, not in my less trendy Brooklyn neighborhood. 7am is super expensive, no? I think it is something of a status symbol.

          • Anonymous says

            Yep. I worked in a Bugaboo neighborhood, lived in a CityMini neighborhood and recently moved to a Graco umbrella stroller neighborhood. Keep up with the Joneses if you must, but if you’re really after the pricey stuff, may I suggest Craigslist notifications? Or a parent listserv? NYC actually has enough people in it to make it worthwhile on occasion.

          • Anon in NOVA says

            “worked in a bugaboo neighborhood, lived in a citymini neighborhood, recently moved to a graco umbrella stroller neighborhood”

            This made me LOL. Too funny.

    • GCA says

      Follow-on question: how does the JJ Cole work in a running stroller? We use a BOB as our main stroller, with a small umbrella stroller for travel.

      • CHJ says

        It works! Just set it in the stroller (unzipped), pull the straps through, put the baby in there to weigh everything down, and then fasten/zip it all around the baby. We did it all the time – works great.

    • lsw says

      I see that the Bundle Me says 12m+ – what’s the solution for a younger baby? We have the uppababy vista, and recently switched to the outward facing seat (had been using car seat). He’s almost 4 months.

      • jlg says

        I was not impressed with the materials on the JJ Cole. We love our LLBean stroller bunting — worked great with a City Mini GT. Washed great, super cozy, zippers on each side.

      • Anonymous says

        Just get the 12 month one. Kiddo will have room, but as long as you are using the toddler seat it will work. Won’t work as well in a basinet.

    • Anonymous says

      Jj Cole Polar works great on my Vista. Similar warmth to the more expensive ones, at least according to Amazon reviews. It worked great for me last winter in Toronto (similar climate to NYC)- kiddo was toasty in only a fleece one piece suit underneath (not an actual snowsuit)

      It is the same warmth as the jj Cole Arctic but it is expandable, supposedly to age 4. Definitely get one that is toddler sized.

  2. Betty says

    Update: I went into my boss’s office late last week and told him that starting this week, I would be working a modified schedule of four longer days in office and one shorter day from home. I told him that as a professional, I would manage my time, that we would try this for three weeks and then touch base with how it is working for him, the department and me. I told him that I had checked our “corporate policies” and it was up to manager discretion, and that the lawyer who knew more about those policies was fine with it. When I said — this is what I am doing, he seemed to back down, which is a relief but also ticks me off a bit.

    • Meg Murry says

      I hope this works out for you and lowers your stress levels a bit!

      I think you should probably still go to HR and get the official FMLA paperwork to have your son’s doctor sign off. You can say you are doing it as a precautionary measure in case his situation gets worse so you don’t have to scramble for paperwork at that time. That would also help prevent the boss from pushing back too hard on your flexible hours, because then they are part of an FMLA accommodation and a valid reason to deviate from “everyone has to be treated the same”.

      I hope you get some answers and relief from the stress soon! Hopefully 2017 will be a better year!

    • SC says

      I hope this helps your stress levels too!

      It’s interesting to me that he backed down when you told him your plan. When my mom was pregnant with me, she was in her third year of medical school. Two women in her class had been pregnant before her–one had been kicked out, and the other was the dean’s sister. She hid her pregnancy from the school while on rotations, but when she had me a month early instead of during the break between 3rd and 4th year, she called the dean from the hospital and told him, “I’ve just had a baby. I will be out the last 3 weeks of the year and will make up this rotation during the elective rotation in the 4th year.” And he said, “OK.” All this to say, go you and my mom and other women who stand up for themselves by coming up with and presenting a plan like it’s the only option.

    • Anonymous says

      Yes. Absolutely agree that you should file FMLA paperwork or at least inquire about it with HR.

      • RDC says

        I would request and fill out the paperwork to have it ready, but not file unless necessary. My understanding (IANAL) is that FMLA coverage lasts for a year from when you invoke it, so it seems better to wait until it’s really necessary.

        • Anonymous says

          Good point. My line of thinking is that this type of event (needing to accompany child to appointments for a serious health condition) is a legitimate reason for FMLA. FMLA can also be taken on an intermittent basis – it doesn’t need to be used all at once.

  3. Frozen Peach says

    We are staying at home this year for Halloween– dressing kiddo up in her costume to answer the door– and I could not be more excited. This is Halloween at my speed.

    Anyone have fun suggestions for after bedtime? So far I’m making apple cider cocktails and my standard popcorn-chex mix-M&M snack mix, and thinking hot sandwiches and soup/salad for dinner. I’m stumped for Halloween movies that aren’t too scary for a 1.5 year old.

    • PhilanthropyGirl says

      What about It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown? I don’t remember that one being particularly scary. I also think there’s a Winnie the Pooh that’s Halloween themed – Heffalumps maybe?

      • JayJay says

        Oh my goodness, the Heffalumps gave me nightmares when I was a kid. But so did the Brave Little Toaster, so YMMV…

    • anne-on says

      Do you have amazon prime? My son really liked the Creative Galaxy Halloween episode, and the Daniel Tiger ones. The Curious George boo-tastic special was too scary for him (at 4.5, but he does not like scary things AT ALL). The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown is a perennial favorite too.

      • Famouscait says

        Isn’t funny how tolerance for scary things is like tolerance for spicy food, or anything else? My 2yo was *transfixed* by the Curious George Halloween special. He also had no problem with the beginning of Finding Nemo, which scarred my nephew for years.

    • Betty says

      If you have Disney Jr., Spookley the Square Pumpkin is a favorite as is the Halloween Mickey Mouse Club House (both are hour long movies). Toy Story of Terror is pretty scary. Although not explicitly Halloween, Monster’s Inc. seems appropriate.

    • PatsyStone says

      Hotel Transylvania 2 is on Netflix right now. Not scary, my 3yo liked it (so did I). If you have Apple TV or the like, the Disney Junior App has a Halloween feed with different themed episodes. Monster’s Inc. is awesome, as mentioned.

    • TK says

      Little TK had had Thomas the Tank Engine Halloween on repeat for a week or so. He’s 2.5. It isn’t scary. Either Netflix or Amazon Prime.

  4. Pumping while flying says

    I am going on a trip requiring two flights both ways and will be pumping and bringing back milk and need to figure out luggage. I have the Medela PIS advanced with the on the go tote. Do I check my luggage with all my actual luggage in it, and then carry on a purse/tote with the pump and pump parts (and my wallet and other usual purse items) and a cooler to bring the milk back in?

    • Katala says

      That’s what I did. Check with your airline, because I’ve heard that the pump is a “medical device” not supposed to count towards your carry on. That didn’t work for me when I asked, but I was thinking about checking my suitcase anyway. If I were trying to do carry on suitcase + personal item/purse + pump, I would have confirmed the policy and printed it out so I could argue. My pump bag held pump, cooler, parts, hands free bra, etc. so if it were more clearly just the pump (I think the PIS is like that?) I might have been more successful arguing.

      If you’re planning to pump between flights or before/after in the terminal, it might be easier to check luggage so you can search for a spot and pump with less stuff to drag around. I ended up being happy I just had my pump bag (plus coat, scarf, shopping bag from the newstand etc.) when I had to run around looking for an open family restroom.

      • Anon for this says

        I wear a CPAP and that bag counts as a free medical device. You can get a free tag online that says “Medical Device” in red with the little medical symbol. I laminate it and have it hanging off my CPAP bag. When questioned about my extra bag I point at the tag and say “medical device.” Even though I made the tag myself it somehow confers some authority. I really added it to avoid the dirty looks of other passengers when I have an extra bag. I also don’t want it getting moved around and damaged in the overhead. I stow it with the tag facing out so anyone looking in there can see it is a medical device and doesn’t try to cram their roller board on top. You could do the same thing with your pump bag.

    • Butter says

      You might want to consider bringing a manual as well – I’ve found myself in some situations traveling where I much preferred using the handpump then setting up the whole PISA. Especially where planes and flight delays are involved.

  5. Butter says

    All, I have had a terrible cold and cough for 13 days now, and it shows no sign of stopping. I know the average cold lasts 7-14 days, but I’m still disheartened that I’ve seen no progress. I’m still breastfeeding so can’t take much, but at this point I’m ready to compromise my supply to be able to get through a work day without going through a box of tissues or having to leave a meeting due to a coughing fit. Any recommendations? I’ve tried Flonase, saline spray, Robitussin, many steam sessions, and endless amounts of honey and lemon. Please send me any and all ideas that have worked for you, no matter how crazy or wild. I’m ready to try anything.

      • anon says

        Sorry that sounded rude. What I mean is, maybe you should consult a doctor – it seems like this could be more than a cold.

        • Butter says

          I did on Day 3 to make sure it wasn’t anything worse than the common cold, but that feels like years ago, so yes it might be time to get myself back there. Thanks for the reminder.

          • JayJay says

            Agreed. It could have been a common cold, but then turned into an opportunistic sinus/bacterial infection.

        • Butter says

          After a trip to urgent care this morning, I am now the proud owner of a prescription for an antibiotic! Sometimes I just need the internet to help me be an adult.

          • anon says

            Yay! I personally feel like I have been so conditioned to think that antibiotics won’t cure what ails me that I forget that occasionally they do have their place!

    • Anon in NOVA says

      I don’t know how this affects breastfeeding, but nothing can beat good old fashioned Sudafed (the kind you have to get from behind the pharmacy counter)

      • CPA Lady says

        You can use sudafed on purpose to dry up your milk quickly when you are trying to wean. Just an FYI.

        • NewMomAnon says

          I took Sudafed once while nursing – an isolated dose to get through a big meeting didn’t affect my supply. But yes, if you take it steadily while nursing, it will dry up your supply.

        • CPA Lady says

          Funny story, actually, when I got Sudafed for this purpose when I was weaning my daughter, the 20 year old pharmacy tech guy asked me to describe my symptoms before allowing me to purchase sudafed. I told him I wanted it to dry up my b-milk and he turned bright red and had the old man pharmacist come over to talk to me about it. He huffed about how it was an “off label” use, but ended up selling it to me anyway. Oh happy memories. Remember when you could buy it off the shelf without getting the third degree?

          • NewMomAnon says

            Wow, I have never had a pharmacist ask me why I wanted Sudafed – they just ask whether I want the 12 or 24 hour, and how large a box.

          • Katala says

            What!! I’ve never been asked to describe my symptoms… granted I’ve probably only had to get it 2-3 times but wow. And grumbling about off label use?? It’s easy enough for the smurfs to say “congestion” and pass this quiz, it’s not great protection for misuse.

          • Betty says

            One of the ingredients in Sudafed can be used to make controlled substances, which is why Sudafed has become more highly regulated.

          • CPA Lady says

            I live near one of the a biggest meth making areas in my state. So anytime you buy any kind of sudafed or cold medicine that is sold behind the counter of the pharmacy, they have to ask you questions to make sure you “really” need it (eyeroll) and then take your drivers license to track your purchases. It’s incredibly invasive, IMO.

          • Katala says

            Taking your drivers license actually makes sense as a way to track people who pharmacy-hop buying the maximum at each place (ie, smurfing). But interrogation about your symptoms is just.. not useful. And arguing with you about an off label use (that does not involve making meth!) is offensive, IMO.

          • Spirograph says

            Am I the only one who didn’t know this definition of “smurf”?

            Also, that theme song is the worst.

          • Katala says

            I used to work with inmate addiction counselors so I heard all kinds of crazy terms for things. It could be regional. That one stuck in my mind because I pictured smurfs on meth and well.. that’s an image to remember.

    • NewMomAnon says

      My doc recommended Mucinex for a cold while nursing (but double check, that was a few years ago). And second the rec for a doctor visit; there is a virus in my area that has people coughing for weeks but feeling otherwise fine. If you’ve been feeling rotten for two weeks, that doesn’t sound like a cold.

      And of course – sleep. You didn’t mention sleep. Take a half day if you can, and just sleep.

      • NewMomAnon says

        And if coughing while sleeping is a problem – try a humidifier, Vicks VapoRub, and prop your pillow up.

    • mascot says

      The Neti squeeze bottle is awesome. Messy, but it works far better than saline spray. We also use the wall vapor plug-ins at night to help calm down the cough/open up the breathing.

      • jlg says

        I’d go whole hog with the Neti pot. IME this works better even for a sinus infection than antibiotics. Also if you are in the northeast US it may not be a cold — mold spores have been super high the last few weeks, so it could be allergies. Using the Neti pot can also help flush out some of the allergens and reduce inflammation. Adding more honey to your warm liquid of choice might also help. Also maybe consider super-dosing on vitamin C (see Kellymom for discussion of how this may/may not affect breastfeeding). Feel better soon!

    • AIMS says

      If you want natural cures you can try swallowing a garlic clove (fun!), make garlic soup (there’s an easy recipe in NYTimes for garlic soup for one), lots of zinc/vitamin C, chicken soup, also Yogi Teas Cold Sampler Teas – not a fan of the taste but they do help.

      Otherwise it is miserable but I was surprised how much simple Tylenol helped.

  6. Anonymous says

    I’m sure this has been covered before, but could anyone recommend considerations when applying for jobs while pregnant (or point to an earlier thread)? I’m at 11 weeks.

    • Wow says

      Just do it? I applied for (and received) several job offers while visibly pregnant (ranging from when I was 4 – 8 months pregnant). When I was 4 months along, I did not disclose nor did they ask although it was somehwat obvious that I was pregnant. When I was 8 months along, I felt that I had to at least mention it because it was otherwise the elephant in the room – literally. :)

      • Anonymous says

        Thanks! And I am, but thinking about things like asking about maternity/FMLA coverage (before 1 year), when to disclose since I’m not showing, ??

        • Wow says

          I think the general consensus is that you don’t need to and should not disclose until you have the offer (and they can’t legally ask you). And especially if you’re not showing, it should not be an issue.

          As for maternity leave, I was working in BigLaw at the time and the standard was to offer full maternity leave even if you were only at the firm for a few months. So I can’t speak to jobs outside of BigLaw.

        • Anonymous says

          You can ask about when benefit coverage would begin and whether short-term disability would be included, but that might be tipping your hand too much.

          FMLA does not protect you at all before you’ve been at your job for 12 consecutive months. Even if your employer seems really nice.

          • Anonymous says

            This. I didn’t know I was pregnant in my interview and had just realized earlier in the day I got the offer. I looked at the benefit info carefully, but I didn’t ask for specific accommodations at that point. Worst case, I was ok with std+pto+unpaid leave which got me to 11 weeks. If the benefits don’t look like they’ll cover you for the amount of time you’d like to take off, I’d bring it up as part of the salary/benefits negotiation, but not before, as long as you’re less than about 6 months along.

      • Closet Redux says

        How did you bring it up when you were obviously pregnant? I am hoping to score an interview now in my 7th/8th month and thinking of what to say. A prudent employer will act like they didn’t notice, I suppose, so it will be on me to broach. Did you wait til the end of the interview? Beginning? What did you say? I was thinking of waiting until the do you have any questions for us/ end of interview and saying something like, I am expecting a baby in X month and plan to take 3 months of leave. Does a start date in the range of X month work for your needs? But I would never ask a start date question if I weren’t pregnant because it seems a bit premature. Is there a better way to bring up what everyone is thinking about? (If we hired her now, when would she start? Would we need to provide leave? Etc.)

        • JEB says

          I was in that situation. I wasn’t obviously showing during the initial round of interviews, but once I made it to the final round, I definitely was. I proactively addressed it towards the end of the interview, when they asked if I had any questions. I told them when I’d be available to start, given my approximate due date and my plan to take three months of leave. I asked whether that would be a issue with their anticipated timeline. It personally felt right to address it proactively, since it was so obvious. Good luck!

  7. NewMomAnon says

    A couple of kiddo’s teachers have told me that my daughter falls down a lot when running with her friends. Kiddo’s dad confirmed it after playing soccer with her this weekend. He didn’t seem worried and said it just seemed like she wasn’t paying attention to her feet. Is this a normal thing for a kid between 2.5 and 3?

    Context: I bought her new sneakers at Stride Rite a couple months ago, and they did the whole fitting protocol, so I don’t think her shoes are tripping her. She is among the youngest in her preschool class (which I always have to remember because she is taller than most of the kids in her class), so it would make sense that she is less coordinated than kids 6 months to a year older than her.

    She has always been on the early end of gross motor skill development, and I think of her as an active, agile kid, so it’s strange to me that she is so clumsy when running.

    • mascot says

      My athletic agile kid used think it was fun to fall down, particularly if he was playing some type of game with a ball. We had to really coach him as he got older and more into sports to stay on his feet. So it could just be some developmental stage coupled with a lack of aversion to falling. He just went crashing through life. They get more coordinated as they get older.
      How is she when barefoot? Is her vision pretty good? Balance- can she hop on one foot and that sort of thing?

    • K. says

      I worked at Stride Rite for five years in high school and college. At that age, kids can outgrow their properly fitted shoes in 3 months. Also, feet tend to grow in spurts, not gradually. So, it could be the shoes. We also did checks on shoes at the store if parents came in to see if they still fit.

      It could also be a vision issue as well. Worth getting an eye appointment as well. My 2 1/2-year-old isn’t really athletic and was always on the late end of gross motor skill development, but she doesn’t fall down a lot. I have no idea outside of my experience with her about how common this is.

      • NewMomAnon says

        The shoe fitting was amazing – she had been insisting on wearing these pretty sparkly dress up shoes all the time, and they didn’t fit that well so she was having to clench her feet to keep them on. The minute she put on her new sneakers, she started running all the time and leaping off of things and galloping and twirling. It made me realize how early girls start getting the message that they are less athletic than boys. I think I got her the new sneakers in September, but it’s probably worth having them re-checked for sizing.

        How do you get a toddler’s vision checked? Is that something the doctor will do at the 3 year check up? Or do I have to take her to a special doctor, and if so, what kind of doctor?

        • mascot says

          They can do it at the pediatrician. They have an eye chart with pictures on it for kids that can’t yet read letters.

        • Anonymous says

          3 is when my eye doctor said was the earliest to check vision. She said she’d recommend a pediatric optometrist. (She sees both me and my husband, so she said something as soon as I got pregnant.) A pediatric optometrist should be trained to suss out the people pleasing kids who say they see everything perfectly just to make people happy.

        • K. says

          I took my daughter to an eye doctor at 18 months because one of her eyes was turning in. They can check a lot pretty early–even a six-month-old can be checked! I think 3 year old screenings are becoming standards at the doctor’s office, but vision can be checked much earlier than that.

        • Another R says

          There’s a device that can check the vision of a child of any age. It’s like a camera – takes a pictures of the kid’s eyes and instantaneously reports back the relevant information. If your pediatrician doesn’t have one, another doctor in your area might!

    • Anonymous says

      Keep her barefoot or socked feet as much as you can.

      Take her hiking on something more challenging than a flat gravel trail. She can’t run on them if they are challenging enough but it’s great for building walking skills and balance skills which helps with running.

    • Maddie Ross says

      Couple of thoughts – (1) kids her age trip, a lot, so I wouldn’t necessarily jump to any conclusions. Esp. if she is otherwise coordinated. I swear my LO trips on purpose sometimes for the reaction. (2) a couple of months is a long time in kid shoe world. You can always try going in for a re-fit. Or try other shoes in general. We didn’t really like Stride Rites in our house – the extended rubber lip around them seemed to exacerbate my daughter’s dragging of her toes and tripping. We generally buy New Balances or Nikes in the toddler sizes (bonus that they are adorbs).

      • NewMomAnon says

        I’ve been wondering if the shoes might be tripping her because they are so grippy.

        • MDMom says

          My son has stride rites and I think they trip him up a lot also. Im only comparing to the robeez type crib shoes or barefoot, but I think he trips a lot more with the stride rites. He’s only 17 months so obviously some tripping/falling is normal. Can’t decide if it’s all in my head.

    • PhilanthropyGirl says

      My 2 YO can just be clumsy sometimes, especially if he’s just had a growth spurt. If his legs are longer, or his feet suddenly bigger – he will stumble all over himself until he figures out his longer legs or bigger feet.

    • PinkKeyboard says

      Mine is still too little, but I was this child. I fell so much I looked abused… my Mother was questioned at the doctor’s office multiple times and we were separated so they could ask me about it. I’m a perfectly healthy, albeit still uncoordinated, adult.

      • anon says

        I’m with you! I’m not sure I tripped all the time but I managed to break both my legs and my left arm twice, all in separate incidents, before high school. Thankfully my sport of choice was swimming, and I did manage to not drown.

      • NewMomAnon says

        No, the pediatrician screened for that a couple times due to some joint issues on her dad’s side, and no problems there.

    • legal canuck says

      My youngest tripped a lot, she has inner ear issues and getting tubes in her ears and her anoids out.

      Worth a follow up with a doctor

    • Mrs. Jones says

      I think that’s normal. Our son fell a LOT when he was that age.

  8. MSJ says

    On topic for once. I lived in this dress while pregnant with twins (it stretches!). I had the long sleeve and short sleeved version and threw a blazer on top as needed

    • Anon in NOVA says

      How “bodycon” is it? It seems like every maternity dress I see is bodycon these days. I’m thin, but my booty isn’t when I’m pregnant!! All these bodycon dresses would likely look borderline unprofessional on me (and require maternity spanx…. which isn’t pregnancy uncomfortable enough without spanx?)

        • Wow says

          I loved maternity spanx. :) The stomach part is mesh and not constricting at all, it just slims down your hips. Then again, I love regular Spanx too….

        • JayJay says

          Man I loved maternity Spanx. They weren’t constricting at all and actually worked as a support belt for my belly. This was my winter pregnancy, though. I would have died in them in summer.

      • MSJ says

        I didn’t have any sort of shape wear but given twins I had an obvious belly pretty quickly. With the ruching, I found it forgiving.

  9. senior associate says

    I’m a senior associate in biglaw in a major city. I have a 1.5 year old and am on pace for about 2200 hours this year. Needless to say, I haven’t exercised in months, my stress levels are insane, my marriage is in shambles, and I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

    I’m pushing through to the end of this year because I want that $100k+++ bonus (college fund for kiddo), but I’m going to ask to be on 80% time next year. I’m meeting with my official advisor (a senior partner) this week and I’m not sure what to say. I need to lean out but I don’t want the firm to drop me like a hot potato or assume I don’t want to make partner (which I don’t, because there’s just no way I can handle it and also that job looks like it sucks and also I have no clients).

    Any advice on how to pitch this to my boss/firm/practice group?

    • Anon in NYC says

      Why do you have to say something now? When do bonuses come out? Can it wait until January/February?

    • anne-on says

      YMMV, but is there a way to just…lean out without announcing it? Dial down your hours but not take an 80% reduction unless its very clearly going to be FIRMLY 80%? I have too many colleagues that still work on their off days without the benefit of their full time salary.

      • NewMomAnon says

        Yes, do this!!! And if you start getting calls from HR about low hours, then you’ll know you have to be more official about it.

        I’m in regional law, so I know it’s a different economic model, but I have found that the secret to making partner here is actually doing less than 100% time billing on other attorneys’ files, and preserving some space for yourself to build a book. And frankly, if you hover right around 90% of your target, nobody bats an eyelash in most of the local firms. Test it and see whether that’s true in your firm too.

        OR….come join my firm! Our billable goal is less than 1800 per year, and lots of senior associates bill closer to 1700.

      • Anon says

        Also agree.

        True life story: my firm merged with another firm and in the midst of combing the internal documents and IT stuff, someone discovered a spreadsheet on the firm intranet that was public and had everyone’s name and actual billable hours. Almost no one was hitting 100% of the billable target. A lot of people were in the 80-90% range. So you know who got screwed over? The women who were on an 80% schedule who were also hitting the 80% range, but were taking a 20% pay cut. That was a very eye opening moment to me.

    • Samantha says

      I’m so sorry you are stressed out and on the verge of a breakdown. That sounds like a horrendous situation. I hope you push through it and get out on the other side and begin to feel better soon.
      On your question of how to pitch it, my main advice is to look and feel confident and prepared when you talk through it. That will greatly help it being received well. Some tips towards that end:
      – write out your talking points. practice saying them confidently in the mirror
      – have a complete prepared plan: I’m planning to work 80%. this is how that will look: in the office x number of days, will work additionally at home
      – how it impacts others: you may say no to some cases (if applicable), you will make sure to deliver what clients need on the cases you do take on. in practice some months may be >80 if urgent deadlines demand.
      – how long you expect this arrangement to last (even if indefinite, consider saying that you’d like to do it for a specific time and re-evaluate how it works for everyone at that point).
      – consider saying you’ll be back full speed once kiddo is a bit older, to signal that you will go full on gunning for partnership at that point, which will help them realize you are still ambitious etc.
      – then, PAUSE and await their response. A common mistake is to fill the void by talking on endlessly. don’t do that. put the ball in their court and listen.

      Good luck! You must be awesome to get where you are. You can get through this and life will be meaningful and balanced and enjoyable again!

      • Anon says

        I would really really not have this conversation. And I would especially not have it before they pay me my bonus.

        They will not take seriously your assertion that you plan to come back to full speed once kiddo is older. And because of that, you likely will never actually do it. You’ll be 80% forever, not on partner track (which is maybe fine with you but why burn that bridge now?), and you’ll get paid 20% less for doing basically the same work (like Anon at 3:38 points out above).

        You CAN reduce your hours unilaterally. I read where you said you told your husband you would go 80% to save your marriage. That is great! You can do it! But you don’t have to do it officially.

    • SC says

      Unless your nervous breakdown is imminent, don’t do or say anything until you get that bonus.

    • TBK says

      Why are you looking to go 80% instead of looking for a new job? Also, what’s your practice? If you’re regulatory or similar, maybe 80% will work but I’ve never seen that set-up work for litigation or most corporate. Most people (1) still bill 2000+ hrs but for 80% of the pay and (2) get mommy-tracked.

      Also +1 on all the people saying to wait until your bonus is in hand (or at least until it’s announced). Bonuses aren’t just retroactive “thanks” for the work you’ve done; they’re intended to provide an incentive for future hard work. If they know you don’t intend to work as hard next year, why waste the money on you? (Unless bonuses are entirely non-discretionary and based only on hours. But I thought that model was being phased out?)

      • senior associate says

        Because nothing pays as much as biglaw. And I’m in litigation, so what I’m hoping is to work fewer nights and weekends, not to skip some days in the office. The firm pays 90% if you work 90% even if you signed up for 80%, so I’m not worried about point #1 but I am somewhat worried about point #2, though I’m not making partner anyway.

        Our bonuses are market, based on hours billed, so they aren’t discretionary. X hours at Y class year = $#####.

        I have to go 80% because I told my husband I would. We’re either fixing our marriage next year or we’re seriously on the road to getting divorced next year. Ultimately, f this job, but I’d like to ride this paycheck as long as I can.

        But I hear what you all are saying about not saying anything until bonuses are paid next year. I like ER’s idea of open ended questions and problem solving. That’s something I can do. Fading gracefully was somewhat my plan this year but my skills are in demand so it’s not really possible to ghost. Maybe I can try again next year.

    • ER says

      I would hint that you are finding it difficult to balance your work plus life plus building book of business (yes, throw that last one in too!) and ask for suggestions. Say that you need to catch your breath on deals/cases to focus on the long term career goals. then mention that you can’t afford to borrow from your home life any more than you already have. Ask what that would look like.

      See if you can get your workload reduced before you go down to 80%. After your bonus hits, ask your mentor for another meeting to discuss a formal 20% reduction if you still want it.

    • Agree says

      I agree with all of the suggestions to NOT TELL them you are reducing your work load. Just start working less. You’re going to work nights and weekends even if you’re officially on a reduced schedule– you just won’t get paid as much. Ask me how I know.

      Just push through to the end of the year, get your bonus, and start next year with a new approach. But don’t tell them.

  10. Anonymous says

    Nursing a Toddler – when/how to wean? get rid of pacifier first?

    I am still nursing my 16 month old before bedtime, in the middle of the night when he wakes up (pretty regularly once a night, sometimes more), and in the morning. He also is very attached to his pacifier. (His daycare only lets him have his pacifier for naptime, but we give in and let him have it at home during playtime a little more often. He also won’t go to sleep without it, and demands it for car rides too.)

    I NEED to be done with nursing by mid-January or so — I have a business trip early Feb for work and there’s no way I want to pump again then, but I don’t want to go cold turkey at that point, so I need to gradually cut it off before I leave. I’m torn about keeping it up for the next couple months in between — there are reasons I’d like to keep going, and reasons I’d like to be done sooner than later. But my primary dilemma is how to do it now that he’s so much more attached to nursing for the bonding aspect (I think he’s going to be very sad and throw some temper tantrums if I refuse to nurse when he wants to, whereas a couple months ago, I could’ve just substituted a bottle and I think he’d have been fine), and whether or not I should try to wean him off the pacifier first or wait until afterward?

    Our pediatrician recommended we quit the pacifier months ago, and he encourages extended B-feeding. So I feel like that means the best thing for my son is to wean off the pacifier first and nursing second. But I think the best thing for me and our sanity might be the opposite. Seems like a pacifier might help a little to console him when I start to cut off nursing here and there?

    Anyone have any experience with this dilemma? How have you weaned your kiddo if you’ve B-fed this long? How did it go? Any advice on strategy?

    A little further context: He’s dealing with some occasional separation anxiety (we don’t see each other much during the week because of my full-time job and commute), plus he’s been sick a lot while adjusting to a new daycare the last few months, so it seems like his attachment to nursing has significantly increased in the last few weeks. I feel like I couldn’t have picked a worse time, so I may need to wait a few weeks before starting to cut him off. Either way, I’m dreading the 2:00 am wake-ups — nursing is the easiest way to console him and get him back to sleep in his crib — so no idea what we’re going to do without that option. I’m so sad about likely needing to sleep train him again…

    Any advice would be so appreciated!

    • Anonymous says

      For sanity, I would personally wean off of nursing before pacis. I wouldn’t worry about the paci at all right now.

      2 ways you can deal with weaning off nursing: take a 3-day approach, where you tell LO that there’s 3 days left and then nursing will be over, read books, talk to him about it, make it as gentle as possible, and then just DO NOT GIVE IN once your deadline has come (kids can’t understand much more than today, tomorrow, and the next day, which is why 3 days is appropriate).

      Another way: just put band-aids on your n!pples and tell LO that mommy has an ouchie, and offer a water bottle instead, or a sippy cup of milk. It’ll be rough for a couple of nights, but your kiddo is old enough to understand band-aids.

      • Anon says

        +1. Bandaids worked for my 15 mos, along with making sure to still spend one-on-one quality time together. The first few days SUCKED, esp at night, but doing lots of talking about “mama’s boobs are hurt. see the bandaid? no milk right now, they’re hurt. ouchie.” during the day helped. At that age, my kids watched me get ready in the morning, so I made a big deal about hurt boobs and putting on the band-aids after my shower. And yes to very hectic days. Spend tons of time outside, running around, playing at the park, building obstacle courses in your living room, whatever you can do to tire out the kid more than usual.

    • Anonymous says

      I’ve weaned a couple of toddlers, including one who was extremely attached to their pacifier.

      You don’t need to link the two events (weaning and quitting binky) at all. In fact, I’d let the pacifier stay as an outlet for anxiety during the weaning process.

      One kid weaned best gradually. The other did best cold-turkey. One liked to cuddle during nursing times. The other found that to be torture, so instead we did active things together one-on-one. I don’t think one was necessarily easier or better than the other, so I’d do it based on the kid’s temperament and your timeline. For the gradual child, I started by sticking to a weekday schedule on the weekends (which had been at-will), so that I could be consistent with dropping one session at a time on all days. It took about two months? For the cold-turkey kid, I chose a really hectic, fun weekend. They didn’t even notice the first day, the second and third day was hard, but from day four one it got easier every day.

      Kiddo can safely use a pacifier until their baby teeth start to wiggle. For now, set your goal as limiting it’s use to car and bed. (Our rule was that they could use it whenever they wanted, so long as they were in their bed). Then eventually stop using it in the car (easier as they can sit up higher and forward, talk to you, etc). Then drop bedtime – which will really only be ~20 minutes a day as they fall asleep at that point.

    • Samantha says

      +1 to both responses above. I’m team “whatever is easiest for parent and safe for kiddo”. Do what it takes to make the transition from nursing easy. Let babe keep the paci as comfort through this change. Baby steps.

  11. Blankets for Toddlers says

    At what age did your little one sleep with a blanket at night? My 14 month old likes a small blanket as he’s falling asleep during naps; it always ends up in the corner 5 minutes later. I’m wondering if having a blanket can provide comfort and coziness at night (and maybe less wake ups…?).

    • Anonymous says

      My 29 yo daughter (who has a 7 yo of her own) took a piece of her baby blanket with her to college! As long as your LO is old enough for a small blanket in the crib, I see nothing wrong with encouraging LO to self soothe with a blanket.

    • quail says

      My 21 month old just started sleeping under a blanket on him (as opposed to cuddling with it) when it got cold this year and I think he is sleeping better. We started with the blanket in the crib around 18 months for comfort and then started tucking him in a few weeks ago. He seems to stay under it, but I think he’s a pretty sound sleeper that doesn’t move about much.

    • Anonymous says

      I’ve seen doctor recs for small stuffed toys/small blankies at 6 months, although it may have moved to a year with the new advice. We have a floor bed, so she’s had a blanket from 9 weeks. (Tightly tucked in, never above her waist. Mostly she ends up on the 2/3rds of the bed without a blanket.)

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