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Maybe it’s our more relaxed work environment, but loafers are really having a moment. I’ve traded my heels for several pairs of flat, walkable loafers and would love to add these to my growing collection.
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This loafer is $91–$170, depending on the color (some lucky colors/sizes on sale) at Zappos. It’s available in whole and half sizes 5–11.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
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- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
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- Old Navy – 40% off everything
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Gift Ideas says
2 gift idea questions:
1) What should we get our lovely neighbor who is practically my kids grandmother? She is a widow and has had some health issues over the past couple of years. Typically wearing something cozy and hanging out around her house. She reads quite a bit but they all appear to be religious/spiritual based and I’m not super familiar with that genre. Not really into cooking or gardening or any other obvious hobbies.
2) something for my husband. Hobbies are mountain biking, wood working, music. He has plenty of practical tools and gear so I wanted to get him something a bit more fun.
Budget in the $50-$100 range each.
Cb says
My Christmas cactus is in gorgeous full bloom and now I want to buy everyone one…
I wonder if a cozy blanket and a nice note from your kids? A photo of them together? Mash up and get one of those photo blankets?
I went into bike shops in France and they had the coolest kit/accessories, so I’d check European brands for some nice accessories.
I also just ordered an endoscope camera that attaches to your phone for my son – I feel like this might be a useful DIY stocking stuffer (meanwhile my son wants to look inside burrows and rock pools)
TheElms says
Totally stealing the endoscope camera idea. My husband will love using it with our 4 year old. Thank you!!!!!
Cb says
Right? So fun! I also got a USB microscope after we tried one out at the library.
Anonymous says
OMG, me too! There is no tool my husband does not want, ideally in multiples.
OP – how about a month or two of citrus fruit delivery or Harry and David and a homemade card from your child?
Spirograph says
My Christmas cactus is too! I acquired it over the summer, and this is the first time I’ve seen its full glory. It makes me happy every time I walk by, so +1 to this idea.
Anonymous says
For your neighbor, what about some kind of project she can do with the kids? Or if you can stay within her health guidelines, a basket of treats. Alternatively, gorgeous seasonal flowers or a wreath if appropriate. Another idea might be the gift of some manual labor- either yours or the kids or both. For example, shoveling her walkways.
That’s what my kids’ grandma gets who is impossible to shop for (and also rich). When they were alive, DH and my grandmothers got seasonal flowers and for my grandma, some snacks she likes, because at 90-something all they want is time with family.
Anon says
For my elderly neighbor, over the years I’ve gotten warm cozy gloves, a soft cashmere scarf from Uniqlo, a personalized stationary notepad, and a bottle of wine and nice chocolates (she’s Italian and always offering us treats). She does have to go out to run errands sometimes so I thought she’d appreciate cozy for outside, too. For that demographic, it’s truly the thought that counts! Pair the gift with a note and a long visit.
I’ve seen small wood branding irons that you can personalize for your husband to stamp his finished projects.
Anonymous says
For neighbor, fancy hand cream.
For husband, one year I got a subscription to a local cheese club which was such a hit we are still doing it on and off (La Jambe at Union Market, for anyone in DC!). Also getting him tickets to a magic show and a local beer advent calendar. Possibly also a mini grow your own bonsai kit.
anonM says
(1) Search Bronner’s Book Stack Glass Ornament (or look around at some of their more religious/traditional ornaments).
Anonymous says
Eddie Bauer cozy down throw blanket (should be around $50 with promo code), a $25 gift card to Barnes & Noble, a nice chocolate bar and some tea/coffee
Anon says
For mountain biking husband, a good stocking stuffer is a continuous bell. They have them at REI and they’re very handy. Hikers have told me they appreciate them!
Birthday mom says
Having a birthday party for my 4 year old at a pizza place with a small indoor play area. There is enough room to do some kind of party game – the play area has open space and we’ve reserved a few tables next to it. It will mostly be unstructured play, since there will be 4-5 kids around age 4 and all of them have younger siblings in the 1-2 range. Any suggestions for a party activity? Game? Pin the tail on the donkey??
Anonymous says
pass the parcel! Credit to Bluey for the inspo but my kids LOVE it. by kids I mean I have had kids ages 3-10 playing happily. It’s easy, and no running. And if you play more “lucky’s dad’s rules” than traditional then everyone wins, like a pinata. Or, do what we do and put one prize at the end but it is a box with prizes for all the kids.
Mary Moo Cow says
Yes!!! We just played this at my daughter’s birthday party and it was a universal hit. Kids (and parents, ha!) who knew Bluey were delighted and families who didn’t left saying they would do it at their next party.
We did new rules, so I wrapped themed pencils and pens in each layer and the winner got a Lego set. I also yelled “we’re raising a nation of squibs, janelle!” but that’s optional.
Anon says
Ha my mom did this for our birthday parties in the 90s. The middle was always a box of prizes for everyone, like plastic rings. I guess she was ahead of her time
Anon says
We just went to a Bluey-themed party that did pass the parcel! Super fun :)
Waffles says
My kid is in third grade, and she is being bullied at her new school. The bully is a girl who is older than her, bigger than her, and has had more time to make friends.
WWYD?
Anonymous says
Can you talk a little more about the specific bullying behavior? Where does it happen (class, bus, recess, etc) Also, if the girl is older, does that mean she’s in another grade, or just old for the grade? Also, are the teachers aware at this point or is that part of your question? I would for sure start a convo with the teacher. Email saying your daughter has come home upset about X,Y interactions with Bully and you’d like to have a quick check-in call about the dynamics in the classroom. Get the teachers perspective on things and also share what you know. Sometimes teachers are totally plugged in and actively working on things; sometimes they are oblivious.
Separately, does your child have friends at her new school yet? If not, and in parallel to addressing the bullying, can you find some ways to help her make good friends? I have a 2nd and 4th grader and one suggestion might be to invite the girls in class over for a cookie decorating party or something like that to get to know them a little better on your own turf. We hosted a Valentines party for my then 1st grader last year since her b’day was in the summer and it was a huge hit.
If there are girls she is “sort of” school friends with, instead of all the girls in the class maybe she can invite them over for an hour or two after school over the next few weeks. Or reach out to parents and see if any of the kids want to meet up for ice skating or at a playground or to come over and watch a movie (my 4th grader did an outdoor showing of Barbie for her fall bday around the fire pit).
Waffles says
Thank you so much. This is all really good advice.
My kid is small for her age and young for her grade. We are people of color, and the bully, who is in her class, is not.
I have emailed the teacher and am waiting for her feedback.
Thanks, again.
Anonymous says
Find the other young kids! One of mine is really young. She found her people, most of whom also have summer birthdays. Or, interestingly, are the oldest (IME they can be less mature socially).
Anonymous says
+1 for seeking out the younger girls if your child is on the younger side. I have noticed that the older redshirted girls are often best avoided because there is a reason they were held back.
Anon says
Agree with all of this excellent advice.
I would add that if the teacher is not adequately addressing the bullying, do not hesitate to bring in the principal. My child was getting bullied last year (also small for his age, youngest in his class, mixed race), and his teacher did NOT take it seriously. When we involved the principal, she intervened immediately to keep our kid safe and help out the other kid, who was going through some stuff. I still regret not going to the principal much earlier.
Anonymous says
+1 bullying is a serious situation and most school administrations will mobilize very quickly if it’s alleged. Keep going up the chain until you get traction. I’m sorry this is happening to your daughter, Waffles.
Waffles says
Thank you. The school replied and they seem to be on it.
Thanks, again.
Anonymous says
Waffles, I’d suggest you have an actual conversation with the teacher. Even if it’s just a quick 5 minutes.
It has always been my experience that a phone call is better than email for both parties. Sometimes things can be said over the phone that can’t be put in email
Anon says
Asking anon because I feel a bit awkward about this. I gave birth about a year ago, and haven’t noticed any issues since. But I have a bad cough these days and have noticed minor incontinence issues when I cough a lot. Is this what pelvic floor therapy is for? I haven’t done it and feel very uncomfortable about it.
Anon says
Yes, it’s totally a reason to go to PFPT. If you’re located in or around Westchester County NY, I have a great rec.
Anon says
I will take that rec (or any others near me – Im in Fairfield County, CT). I’ve been pretty lucky so far but am pregnant with my fourth and want to be prepared!
For OP, yes definitely look into it. This may be “common” but is not normal and shouldn’t be accepted. As mentioned above, I’ve had three kids/V deliveries and never any incontinence in any situation. But I recently learned that you shouldn’t have to push urine out, which I do (you should be able to relax on the toilet), so I think I definitely could use some help, too.
Anon says
Ronit Sukenick, she’s in the Hudco building in Dobbs Ferry. She was a solo when I saw her (following the birth of each of my two kids), but opened a larger practice that has two other PTs about a month ago. She’s awesome – very calm, very funny, incredibly knowledgeable. Highly recommend her.
Anon says
Yep– totally a reason to do PFPT. I was about a year postpartum before I went. I had noticed that if I ran or walked a lot, I had to “push” urine and was also having increased constipation. As I started exercising, I also just felt off and wasn’t getting better doing exercises on my own. I really wish I’d gone earlier, but none of these issues were “bad” enough that I thought I needed help and I didn’t start connecting them to PF issues until I was a year postpartum.
anon says
yes..exactly this
Anonymous says
This is what pelvic floor Physio is for.
Most providers are very understanding. I would just explain that you don’t want an internal exam at the first visit. You’ll get best results if they can do an internal exam as some muscle release is sometimes necessary but you can get good treatment with just an external abdomen exam as well.
Anon says
It seems so awkward but a good PT will make you feel comfortable and make the internal exam seem so not weird. It is not at all like a OBGYN visit. Mine would just chat with me about our kids, etc and the time would pass so quickly. They will likely need to do an internal exam to assess whether you have any prolapse, the extent of the prolapse, and also any internal scar tissue. Most women don’t realize (I didn’t!) that you can have tearing not just externally, but internally that can cause long term pain (during s#x, but also just generally). I had a moderate bladder prolapse and a lot of internal and external scar tissue, so my sessions included massage to release the scar tissue and also exercises to do at home to strengthen the pelvic floor. Please go!
Anon says
As someone who has had extensive pelvic floor pt, they tend to only do one internal unless there is a specific reason that you need more. You can still see a provider if you want to skip the internal part, if you’re truly opposed to it, but they are used to working through the awkwardness. As a heads up, providers that take insurance may try to schedule you for 6 visits or whatever your insurance covers. You may not need that many, so if you know your goals be sure to communicate them to your pt so you can be more efficient.
Disney says
Has anyone here worked with a Disney planner/travel agent that they liked and could recommend?
I feel like this has been asked several times before, but I couldn’t find any specific recommendations when I tried to search – just general suggestions to use a planner. Thanks!
EP-er says
Love and have used Cathy several times. She used to work for Disney, and travels to Disney World, Disneyland, and Disney cruises several times/year:
[email protected]
Disney says
Thank you!!
Friend not coming for Xmas says
My best friend, her DH, and 2 kids 5 and 7 planned to stay with us over Xmas for 6 days. After tickets were booked and we told our kids, my friend let me know she planned to keep her kids on EST (we live in the Midwest), and so it would be better if our families ate separate dinners while she was staying in my house and that she also planned to put her kids to bed at 6:30 CST. I said we could be flexible on dinner times, why don’t both families eat together whenever is best for her. I suggested 5 pm CST for joint dinners. I also said we could go out for pizza a few times to give me a break and get out of the house. I explained that it would be difficult to keep separate eating schedules for two families living in the same house. She was very resistant to trying to keep our families on the same dinner schedule, and also explained that her daughter might melt down if she went out to dinner (even early, even just for pizza). That’s kind of where we left it. A few days later, she texted me that she thought it would be better if she stayed somewhere else because trying to keep her kids on my schedule would cause her a lot of anxiety and guilt. I am just stunned that we can’t work this out and find some compromise, and very saddened and disappointed for my kids, who were so looking forward to having her kids stay at our house. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to be cooking dinners (including Xmas dinner) and her family won’t join us for that when they are staying in our home?! Not sure what to make of all this. She has been rigid about schedules in the past with her kids, but I assumed that was because her kids were infants.
Cb says
Wait, what??? That is so bizarre, I’m sorry!Those kids aren’t going to want to go to bed at 6:30 while their pals are still playing. When would you see each other if they stayed elsewhere given their weird food schedule?
I’m a phone-adverse millennial but I think you need a phone call. Could something be going on with one of the kids that makes mealtime really hard and she’s stressed about parenting through that with an audience?
GCA says
I’m sorry! Some people just have different parenting styles, and, as you’ve discovered, one of those people appears to be your best friend. We have friends who are similarly rigid about kids’ schedules, so we just see them socially sans kids and it works out fine for everyone.
In this case, I think she’s projecting that *you* shifting *your family’s* schedule to accommodate hers is as difficult and painful for you as it would be for her. It’s not, so make that clear to her. And even if she decides not to stay at your house, you can still enjoy meals and other big chunks of time together as families.
Anonymous says
This sounds weird, but people have different tolerances for schedule changes, so I’d just let it go and try to enjoy the time you can spend with them.
Anon says
Her level of rigidity sounds absolutely joyless for everyone around her. I’m sorry. I refuse to believe that it’s better for anyone, her kids included. I know we should never judge others blah blah but her actions sucked the joy out of something that would likely have been totally fine. It’s a one-hour time difference FFS! Wild.
Cb says
Oh gosh, I had assumed it was a much more significant time difference. Would kids even notice an hour? Sometimes we don’t eat lunch til 2pm (the neighbour kid is horrified/convinced we’re very bohemian).
Anon says
+1. I’m admittedly more of a “routine” than a “schedule” person but it’s always baffled me how people get crazy hyped up for even daylight savings time changes. People’s kids actually go to bed the same exact minute every night? My kids bedtimes vary 30-45 min each night (sometimes more!) based on so many factors, like what activity we’re engaged in after dinner, if the chapter of the book we are reading is longer than the night before, if kid and I are having a good chat, etc.
Maaaaybe I get this for toddlers (though still, not my toddlers). But once you have grade schoolers I don’t get it at all.
Anonymous says
I think something is going on with her kid behaviorally that is stressing her out.
Anon says
I think it’s likely with her – if she called and said that observing someone else’s schedule that is not much different from her own would cause “anxiety and guilt,” that sounds like mental health issues. I have a friend who deals with a lot of guilt over routine parenting decisions and it’s hard to see.
OP says
I considered this, but I actually wonder if it might be something going on with my friend more than with the kids. She also explained she doesn’t want to eat with her kids and would be taking her meals separately. She seems determined to get them in bed very early. Could she be depressed?
My 9 year old is extremely disappointed that my friend’s kids won’t be staying with us — my friend is her godmother, and she’s been planning activities and even making a space for one of the kids in her room — and that’s the main reason I feel so hurt – because my kids’ feelings are involved. If I hadn’t told my kids about the planned visit I’d just shrug it off.
Anonymous says
Definitely sounds like something is going on with your friend—depression, anxiety, even an eating disorder. What does her spouse, if any, think about the schedule issues?
Anon says
definitely sounds like something else is going on with your friend. i am very into schedules, but now with 2 5 year old and a one hour time difference, i am much more lax. i understand if it was like a 3 hour time difference, but the one hour time difference is negligible. have you celebrated christmas with them before? could there be some anxiety around that? could you suggest she stay with you part of the time and somewhere else part of the time? and this needs a phone call, not just a text
GCA says
+1. I think something of that nature might be going on here. Kid/s, or her.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Yes, it sounds to me like something bigger is going on.
I read a lot of stuff online about adults wanting to make and maintain/deepen friendships – I think this is where a little grace (as Cb suggested) can go a long way to do just that.
GCA says
& I think the daughter melting down over going out to eat is a clue. Most neurotypical 5-7yos can tolerate a bit of disruption to their schedule – travel, daylight savings time changes, staying up a bit late on a holiday – and wouldn’t melt down over a dinner outing.
Anonymous says
Don’t take it personally. Plan to get together for lunches and early afternoon activities. Can always do a matinee situation instead of evening viewing for movies etc.
Her views may evolve as the trip progresses.
This says
+1
NYCer says
+2. It may even turn out preferable that they are not staying with you. Sometimes some space is good.
Anon says
+3 and also +1 to NYCer saying some space might be preferable. Even without a time change, a 6 day kid sleepover is…. a lot.
Anonymous says
It sounds like something else may be going on with your friend? It’s a one hour time difference and her kids are 5 and 7. I agree with Cb, can you call and see if you can figure out what is going on? One of my kids is a nightmare without a nap and another didn’t STTN til he was two, so I get the schedule rigidity but I feel like she’s being extreme by doubling down and wanting to stay somewhere else. I hope your friend is ok.
anon says
That is insane for 5 and 7 year olds and also I doubt she’ll even be able to get her kids to be on that schedule. So she’s getting them up at 530am CST?
Spirograph says
What the what. 1 hour time difference on vacation is so negligible that I can’t believe she’s making a thing of it (unless her kids are neurodivergent and need a strict routine, in which case this trip was ill-advised from the start!). But if she’s that rigid, it sounds like a blessing that she’s not staying in your house. 6:30 CST is a very early bedtime, even if it will be pitch dark by then. I feel for your kids who were looking forward to a fun week of sleepovers with their friends, but hopefully you’ll still have plenty of fun activities with them during the day.
Anonymous says
I would try to call her because I think something else must be going on for her to be this worked up about a 1 hour time change.
Anon says
I dunno, given how worked up many people get about daylight savings beginning and ending, I think a one hour time change is a big deal to a lot of people ;) We travel a lot with kids so it’s not very significant to us, but I can see being stressed about one hour if you haven’t traveled much with kids.
Anonymous says
“Katie, this makes no sense. It is one hour. The whole point of your visit, that we were all excited about, is to spend time together. If you now won’t eat with us and don’t want to stay with us, just don’t come. At this point you’re changing things up and disappointing my kids and inconveniencing us and I’m just not interested anymore.”
Anon says
I wouldn’t go to this first given that it looks like a mental health issue. I’d start with “Katie, I’m thrown by what’s going on here – this seems like such a strong reaction to a one-hour time difference and basic things like eating with people you’re visiting. This doesn’t seem like you. Is everything okay?”
Anonymous says
Wow this is awful advice.
Anon says
Yeah this is like a friendship ending response.
Anon says
Yeah this is an incredibly mean response that is very disproportionate to what the friend did.
Anonymous says
Eh, I’m really tired of bending over backwards to accommodate other people and avoid them ever having hurt feelings when they’re in the wrong.
anon says
Wow.
anon says
So I have a 6yo that is almost guaranteed to melt down at dinner in a restaurant, regardless of if it’s early and just pizza. (We went out for pizza at 5:30 a couple weeks ago, so I am very sure about this statement). My kid is also much more likely to meltdown at dinnertime in general when traveling than at home; we didn’t have a single “easy” dinner any of the 4 nights we were traveling over Thanksgiving. It’s really stressful to parent these scenarios when I’m surrounded by other kids (often younger) who are exhibiting more “appropriate” behavior. My kid also cannot cope with too many nights up late (she doesn’t need to go to sleep early, but desperately needs calm alone time) so we will often put her to bed earlier than other kids we’re staying with.
I don’t attempt to keep my kids on EST when traveling and we will usually be flexible about schedules and just deal with the fallout, but I can understand the impulse to try to make things as close to home as possible, especially if the kid has been having a really challenging time lately.
Anon says
Yeah, that’s kind of where I’m at too. On the one hand, I get the “how ridiculous, it’s only an hour” take, but I took my kid from eastern time to California (admittedly, three hours) to stay with friends last year, and it was truly a disaster trying to keep her on my friends’ kids schedules, which were off in the wrong direction (her kids have a 9-10 pm, which was midnight-1 am in our home time zone). They were fine with me putting my kid down early, but my kid didn’t want to miss out on fun when all the other kids in the house were still awake. The whole thing was a hot mess and my kid had serious behavior issues caused by the sleep deprivation, and it was pretty unpleasant and embarrassing. We are well-traveled with kids and frankly going to Europe is a lot easier than that trip to California was. I want to go back to visit my friends, but I think we’d have to get a hotel because staying with them just did not work.
If I’m understanding correctly, she’s still planning to visit your city, just not stay in your house? I’d still see her. I think she is likely worried about her own kids’ sleep and behavior and that is causing her to want the privacy of a hotel, and honestly I kind of get that. I see why you’re hurt, but I don’t think it has anything to do with you.
Anon says
california from east coast is TOTALLY diff
Anonymous says
Yes! I have to travel EST to California for work sometimes and it wipes me out by day two, because invariably I wake up at my normal time, and then it’s a loooong day until when I can reasonably go to bed after dinner plans. 3 hours is a very different ballgame than 1.
Live and let live says
This is so bizarre. If it’s feasible, I’d encourage her to still stay with you and let her handle dinners however she wants. There’s something else on going on here but it sounds like having them at your house is important to you and your kids, so I’d just go with it and let her keep a strange separarte dinner schedule if that’s what she wants.
anon says
+1 I’d call first and feel out what’s going on. If you don’t feel like it’d be too much for your kids, I’d encourage her to still stay with you so you can provide support. This doesn’t sound like run-of-the-mill kid schedule issues (which I know well! we usually don’t stay with people when we travel because we do really well with our schedule, including downtime as needed, really poorly when we can’t get the sleep and/or downtime we need as needed).
That said, if she’s quite unwell, you might try to see if you can get time with just her without involving either set of kids.
Anonymous says
This is completely insane. If she can’t budge when you’re willing to be flexible and eat early then she should cancel the trip. This sounds like clinical-level OCD/ anxiety.
Anonymous says
Agreed. Do not set yourself up for this bizarre unfun time for you and your family.
Anonymous says
This is really bizzare. But to offer you perspective, I have a nearly 8 year old that is just awful with time changes. An hour is okay but much beyond that is awful. We switch time zones to visit my in laws and we have dinner at 5pm OR Kiddo gets heavily snacked at 4:30pm CST.
Anonymous says
The difference here is that the mom is being extremely weird and controlling about it. Kids need to eat and sleep when they need to, and sometimes they behave poorly. That’s par for the course and you roll with the punches. This mom is tying herself and everyone else up in knots before the trip even begins, which is what is off here.
Anon says
I think that’s harsh. Could she have phrased it better, yes, but it’s not crazy to want your own space even if you’re visiting a good friend because of a desire to keep your kid on a different schedule. I posted above about a rough visit with a friend, and after that trip I’ve decided that any future visits will require a hotel (the time difference in my case is three hours, not one, but there are definitely kids who roll with time changes a lot worse than my kid so I don’t think it’s fair to say one hour is NBD for everyone). And my kid is in elementary school too. It’s not just babies who benefit from schedules and routines.
Anonymous says
It’s not the wanting her own space that is weird. It is the bizarre insistence on eating separately from her kids, never going out to eat, putting elementary school kids to bed at 6:30, etc.
Anonymous says
It is when you planned a whole trip and are now weirdly changing everything!
Anon says
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping kids on their home timezone for bedtime – it’s not the choice I would make, but I don’t think it’s crazy and in fact is frequently recommended here for international travel. The meal stuff does seem a little anxious to me, but I would try to give her the benefit of the doubt. I think a lot of people here (us included) travel a lot with their kids so a one hour time change is seen as no big deal, but if you rarely leave your home time zone I can see being stressed about an hour difference. Just look at all the people worried about daylight savings. Influencers sell entire courses about how to manage “spring forward” and “fall back,” so clearly one hour time changes are a big deal to lots of people!
I’m not saying the friend’s behavior is great, it isn’t, but she’s not backing out at the last minute (Christmas is nearly a month away) and some of the “burn the friendship down” responses seem really unkind to me. Even if she is struggling with some mental health issue like anxiety or OCD, it seems kinder to meet her where she’s at, even if that doesn’t look like the plans they’d originally made.
OOO says
There has to be another reason that they are choosing to stay at a hotel. Maybe they feel bad about staying at your house for six days. Maybe she thinks it will be better for them to have a separate space so the kids can wind down before bed. Maybe she’s nervous about how her kids will act during what is essentially a six-day sleepover. I refuse to believe it’s because her elementary-age kids can’t handle a 1-hour time difference, whether they are neurotypical or not. As others have said, I would try not to take it personally and make the best of it. Text her during the week to invite her to activities, and they can come whenever.
Anonymous says
I have a relative who is like this. It comes from being very controlling and holier-than-thou about her parenting, which is related to a generally anxious and controlling perfectionist personality. It is much better and less exhausting for everyone when she has her own space.
AwayEmily says
Chiming in late to this but I would say something like “Of course you should do whatever will cause you the least amount of stress and anxiety; I know how hard it is to travel with kids. I hope you know that the kids and I are just super excited to see you regardless of where you are staying. And also, just so it’s very clear: I have zero expectations that our kids will be perfect during the visit. I know my kids have frequent meltdowns and refuse to eat random foods and life at our house is often chaotic. And honestly, I’m excited to share that chaos with you — we can bond over our wonderful nutcase children, and help each other out when needed. I would love to find a way to make staying with us work — I promise it is zero inconvenience to us to do separate meals, etc. But if a hotel is easier, that’s fine too — I’m just thrilled you’re coming.”
Anonymous says
This is a great and kind script!
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is so nice, AwayEmily – I like this response. I trend toward being more curt, but agree you should tread respectfully here as it does sound like she’s got some anxiety going on. I hope you two can have a good heart to heart on how she’s feeling, and how her objections appear to be a little extreme to an outsider, and that maybe she should talk through where this reaction is coming from.
Spirograph says
+1, I love everything about this.
Anon says
I like the kindness in this script, but I think the friend might benefit more from a tad less accommodation. I’ve found that when you bend over backwards to accommodate an anxiety response (putting your own needs and kids’ preferences aside), it just doesn’t work that well, since friendship is a two-way street. She’ll find something new to be anxious about. I’d suggest beginning with a check-in about how she’s doing, making it clear that you find it a bit concerning, before proposing solutions.
OP says
This is a great script, thank you! However, I don’t think I want to say that accommodating her schedule is “zero inconvenience to us.” It’s not, and actually I need her to be flexible in order to make the two families staying together work. I am totally fine with her staying in a hotel if that’s better for her and her family’s needs; I just wish that had been the original plan. I agree with the comments that if she’s going to be so rigid about schedules, it’s probably better for her to stay separately and for us to see her during the day.
Anon says
I don’t think changing the plan is a big deal, and I think you’re overreacting on that front. You’re acting like she’s arriving tomorrow and she pulled this out at the eleventh hour after you’ve cleaned your house and made up beds for her family. She gave you plenty of notice about the change in plans, so just move forward with the new plans.
Anon says
Gently, it seems like you are putting your 9 yr olds feelings ahead of what really seems like is the best option for both families. She may have picked up on your comment above that accommodating both families’ schedules will be tricky over 6 days, and getting separate accommodations was a way to avoid putting either of you in that spot. Blaming her kid’s’ schedules may have been a graceful way to avoid putting you on the spot. Agreed she gave all of you plenty of notice, and I also have a 9 and 11 year old, and this shouldn’t be a huge thing to manage, emotionally (unless you have made it a huge deal in front of them). I’d talk up how much fun it will be for all of you, and how excited you are for the trip. Maybe the big kids can have a sleepover, but I would wait and ask the mom when they are here/at your place out of earshot of the kids first.
Anon says
Yeah, this kind of stood out to me too. Is your 9 year old even upset about this, or are you just worried about her reaction? Disappointments like this are a very normal part of life, and 9 is not too young to manage sad feelings about something like this.
Friends invited us to go on an out of town trip over Christmas and my 6 year old was super excited about it, but now their situation has changed and the trip is not happening. We’re doing something local with them instead. It’s disappointing and my kid is bummed about it, but I’m not cutting these friends out of my life just because they wanted to change some plans. Of course, if someone is always flaking on you it’s a different story and maybe you should stop making plans with them, but it doesn’t sound like there’s that kind of backstory here.
Anonn says
My kids have been wild lately and bedtimes/dinnertime is the worst of it. I hate it, and thinking about experiencing it in someone else’s home sounds double terrible. So maybe that’s what’s going on? We shared a beach house with other families this summer and just kept them closer to their schedules informally (without telling other people I guess, or make it a set deal). My 6 year old is the harder one and the added stress/excitement of travel, friends etc can really set her off, especially if she stays up too late. Could she just feed them something earlier and then she and her husband eat with everyone else? Is she asking you to fix 2 meals, or just like heat up some mac n cheese?
Anon says
Any suggestions for how to get a 3 year old to stop saying F–k all the time?
Context: my husband and I made a huge (and successful) effort to clean up our language around our kids. But we spend a ton of time in the backyard, and our neighbor spends a ton of time on her back porch, chain smoking and cursing up a storm on her cell phone (for hours and hours a day – not an isolated thing), and my daughter has picked up her language. And now that she knows it is an impolite word that we don’t say, she runs around saying it non-stop. Think “F—k f—-k f—-ing f–k f—k. Say it with me mama!”
Nothing is working. And it sucks.
Anonymous says
I’m also working on cleaning up my potty mouth, so I’ve dealt with this a bit. I would completely ignore the word, to the point of pretending like you can’t hear it. When she says “Say it with me mama!” I would respond “what would you like for a snack?” Or “Hey do you see that squirrel in the tree? Let’s see if we can catch him!” If you take all the power and reaction away from the word and she will eventually stop using it. I’d also explain the situation to day care so they’re not caught off guard if it slips there. Good luck.
+1 says
This
Anonymous says
What’s the consequence if she says it? For us, we count intentional swearing as not playing nicely. So there would be a short time out associated each time. Would start with explaining rule and giving two warnings before time out for the first day or two.
If a kid falls, hurts themselves, and swears unintentionally there’s no consequence obviously.
Anon says
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. At that age, if they think it will get a rise out of you, they will continue to say it. Change the subject as the poster above recommended. I also don’t think a 3 year old would really understand the “bad word” conversation yet.
Anonymous says
3 year olds can definitely understand the idea of rude or bad words. As soon as they are old enough to say polite words like please and thank you then they can understand that some words are not to be used because they are bad or rude.
Anon says
I should have said “bad word usage” above. I think distinguishing between intentionally using the word and unintentionally cursing after falling is beyond most 3 year olds.
Anonymous says
You don’t explain the difference to the kid. You just say don’t use the bad word and then if they use it in a clearly accidental/unintentional context then you don’t provide a consequence.
Anon says
Yes, ignore. They’re doing it for the reaction. If they stop getting a reaction, they’ll stop saying it.
Teehee says
Maybe I’m terrible but this made me laugh a lot. (Admittedly, I’m not offended by profanity and I definitely understand that having a 3 year old cursing repeatedly would be problematic— but the idea of a sweet like kid dropped F bombs just makes me giggle.)
Teehee says
Also your neighbor sounds like the absolute worst. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this as I realize it wouldn’t be funny in the moment. (Maybe when kiddo is grown up?)
Anon says
No, you aren’t terrible. It was funny at first. It is less funny now that it has been going on for months and increasing over the past few weeks.
The first f-bomb she dropped was perfectly in context, too. I dropped something on the floor and let out a big sigh and said “UGH”. She said “F-ing sh-t dude”. In a full Jersey accent. Which no one in our home has. She was 2.5.
Anon says
Hahahah. I’m sorry, I know this is a problem for you, but it’s so hilarious.
Anonymous says
My kid also picked up a Jersey accent at around that age. No clue where that came from as we live in Wisconsin.
Anonymous says
I also laughed out loud. It brought back memories of my daughter’s first f-bomb — or at least the first one that I heard — when she was about 3 and chimed in to agree with her brother who had some kind of gripe about his bed: “yeah, sheets are f’ing stupid!”
I agree with others that you just ignore at home. If you want to do draconian throwback parenting, you could wash her mouth out with soap. (I have not tried it with my kids, but my mom washed my mouth once, and it made an impression!) If she swears in public, it gets a stern, “no. That is not a polite word, and you know you are not allowed to say it.” And if she does it again, remove her from the situation because she can’t behave appropriately.
Depending on your relationship with your neighbor, you might also ask her to at least face away from your yard for her profanity-laced phone calls.
Anonymous says
Make up a “bad word” and yell it all the time, then say “oops! I shouldn’t have said that–it’s a bad word.” She will pick up that one instead.
Anonymous says
I love this solution!!
Anonymous says
I need your opinion. For Christmas, my mom wants to give us a subscription to a conservative news source (we are not conservative). She says they have children’s programming so it would really be for the kids. She already gifted it to my brother and he informed her he can’t access the children’s programming because he doesn’t have Apple TV (we don’t either). IMO this is not a great gift, but it’s pretty on par for my mom. Should I buy something fun for my kids and offer for her to give it to them? I’ve had multiple conversations with her about what my kids want. She seems to think gifts must be educational, and she doesn’t follow my requests. Like if I ask for a fire truck she will buy a garbage truck, even though my kid specifically wants a fire truck and we already have two garbage trucks. She’s local, so she will expect to see them open gifts on Christmas.
Anonymous says
I would say you are trying to discourage screen time and suggest a variety of more educational gifts as options instead. Melissa and Doug have tons of educational type puzzles.
Cb says
That’s a terrible gift! And doesn’t serve her goal of a present to open. Maybe a (politically neutral) magazine subscription?
Spirograph says
This, my kids love getting magazines in the mail, and then they reread them endlessly on car trips (back issues live in the car) so it’s a gift that keeps giving. Highlights / High Five, Zoobooks, Ranger Rick, American Girl, Nat Geo Kids… tons of good options here if she wants something educational. Then she can get a small similarly-themed thing to open.
Anon says
+1 Nat Geo kids magazines were a hit with my 6 year old, and (at least last year when I purchased the membership) it came with a stuffy.
Anonymous says
“No mom, thanks for your offer but we will not be watching PraegerU videos.”
Anonymous says
Tell her once that if she gives you the subscription you won’t be able to let the kids watch because it doesn’t align with your values. If she insists on giving the gift, let the kids be disappointed, and coach them ahead of time on being polite. We have several relatives, including one grandma, who give odd or terrible gifts. The kids know not to expect anything great, and it’s taught them some lessons about considering other people’s perspectives.
Anonymous says
+1
anon says
+1 that it might be helpful to tell her point blank the gift won’t go to use because of a difference in values. It may head off future gifting in this vein (or not, but at least you tried).
anonM says
I wouldn’t buy a gift for her to give them. You’re creating more work for yourself IMO. Maybe suggest some craft supplies that are arguably “educational”? Or, just try to prep your kids to say thanks and remind them you’ll discuss your own family rules later. She’s a grown up, she is free to make poor choices and you don’t have to fix this for her. A useful mantra for dealing with adults all holiday season long.
Anonymous says
Re. fire truck v. garbage truck, my husband will do this because he wants the gift to be a surprise that he picked out himself and not something “ordered” by the recipient. He is inevitably disappointed because the recipient is not amazed and delighted by his thoughtfulness in coming up with a better gift than the one they really wanted. Some people are just bad at giving gifts. It’s fine to let your kids learn that through experience.
Anonymous says
No don’t be silly. She gives what she wants. You then don’t use it.
Anon says
I think it’s fair to tell someone once that you won’t use their gift. I agree if she insists on giving it anyway, you let her give it and have your kids practice receiving an unwanted gift gracefully. But I think it’s fair to give her a head’s up the gift won’t be used – many people would want to know.
Anonymous says
She already did!
Another Gift Q says
Another gift question: a family with an 8 mo who live is a small urban apartment and don’t drive. They are artsy and a little bit trendy, past hits have been silk scarves. It seems like the perfect for experience gifts, but I have no idea how to do that because they live in S. America.
Cb says
Those little wooden Waldorf dolls or playsilks?
OP says
I should clarify, I’m stuck on gifts for Mom and Dad (my SIL and BIL) or a whole-family gift that genuinely appeals to the parents.
Anon says
who is the gift for? the kid or the family?
Anon says
I like to peruse Uncommon Goods. Over the years they’ve gotten less quirky and more, well, common, but they still have some hits and can spur different lines of thinking.
Anon says
If they live in a big city, you could see if there’ s a children’s museum or an art museum with a children’s area and buy them a membership. Even if your Spanish isn’t great, a travel website could probably tell you about things to do in English. Then, Google translate or a friend to help you navigate the museum’s website.
Anon says
I would ask before you do this though. A friend bought us a membership at the nearby children’s museum, which was a great gift idea except that my parents had already purchased us a membership to the same place. And there was no way to give the membership away so it just went to waste :( If she lives in a big city there should be lots of options, but I’d check to make sure you’re not duplicating what someone else purchased.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I have plenty of work to do but I don’t want to! Holiday malaise, perhaps? That is all.
Anonymous says
same
Anon says
Basically nothing gets done in my workplace between Thanksgiving and the New Year. It’s one of the best things about my job.
Anon says
“Let’s circle back after the holidays” season is the best season.
Anon says
Yesss
Cb says
I was supposed to be writing all afternoon, and instead, just faffed about. I should have just taken the afternoon to read, I’d have felt better.
I’ve cranked out a solid paragraph and now I need to make dinner.
GCA says
same!
Choosing a preschool says
We’re staring the processing touring/choosing a preschool for our oldest child (she’ll be 4 in October and will attend for 1 year starting next fall, before K). She’s been home with the same nanny since she was 4 months old.
What questions do we ask? How did you decide which one to choose – what factors were most important to you?
Anon says
Mine did daycare from ages 1-5 (and then went straight to K) but I think it’s a similar analysis. A play-based “curriculum” was the most important factor for me. There is no benefit to kids in pre-K doing worksheets, and my kid was over-prepared for her high-achieving elementary school even without any formal academics in pre-K. We also wanted to avoid particular educational philosophies, and just go to a general place. I don’t think Montessori would have been a good fit for my kid, and although Waldorf sounds fine in theory they’re closely linked to the anti-vax movement in the US. But lots of people seek one or both of those out. Outdoor time is a priority for a lot of people, but it isn’t something we really cared about since my kid has never been outdoorsy.
As far as questions to ask…policies around sickness (preschools can be stricter than daycares about kids attending with runny noses, though probably not a big deal if you’re keeping the nanny), policies around attendance and how much flexibility there is with drop-off/pick-up times, teacher turnover, what they do about meals and snacks (imo, a huge plus if they provide them), and how they handle problem behavior are all good things to ask.
Anonymous says
I wrote below about outdoor time. I would argue that outdoor time is important even if your kid doesn’t care about or enjoy it, because it gives the other kids a chance to burn off energy and thereby creates a better classroom environment for everyone.
Anon says
That’s fair. I think the school we ended up at was fairly low outdoor time (one hour in good weather, but they had a low threshold for keeping the kids indoors) and it didn’t appear to negatively impact my kid, but I can see how more outdoor time creates a calmer classroom in general. I do think outdoor time is more important in a more structured environment than in a play-based daycare or preschool, because in a play-based program the whole day should really be burning off energy. I see a much clearer benefit to recess now that my kid is in K and sitting at a desk for a large chunk of the day.
Anonymous says
I’m guessing you have a girl or a very mild mannered boy though? Indoor play just does not cut it for burning energy for I would say 50% of the 4 year old boys I interact with (which is a lot). Most 4 year olds should have at LEAST 2 hours of active outdoor play every day. It meets biological needs that indoor environments can’t provide for their vision development and other senses (vestibular and proprioception).
Anon says
I have a girl, but a fairly high-energy one who mostly played with boys at that age. But she was never very into the outdoors and has always preferred active indoor play to the playground. I’m sure it is kid-dependent and like I said I understand why lots of outdoor time is a priority for others, it just wasn’t a priority for us knowing our kid’s personality and dislike for the outdoors.
GCA says
Came here to say this, 3:07 – outdoor time is actually beneficial for lowering myopia risk and, if kids move across natural/ uneven surfaces, for developing proprioception and spatial awareness. Plus being outdoors has lots of benefits for mood and mental health! I am not athletic in the slightest and being outside still makes me feel calmer and happier. I suspect this all translates to calmer, happier classrooms.
Anonymous says
Kindergarten readiness. I don’t mean ability to read before K, but readiness to be a good K student: ability to follow directions, knows whatever the entry level K material is, is able to make friends and play with others and share and not eat crayons. Call around to local Ks and see what the school’s reputation is. Most schools will be fine. Some will be “all our students that come in from X really excel.” some will give you a silence-is-obvious pause or tell you they haven’t had students from that school recently.
For your kiddo, talk to them about how they transition a kiddo to PK that is used to being home- do they have some kind of shorter day program (nanny –> 8 hours is a LOT. Consider parttime)? Do they do naps? Is there a bathroom in the classroom and if not, how do they do bathroom time? What’s the outdoor space like? How often do kids get outside?
Are they accredited and by whom (NAEYC is the one you want in MA)? What’s the student to teacher ratio? What kind of enrichment programs are there? Are they on a school schedule or a daycare schedule (this is critical- you need to know if kid has preschool in the summer or not!)? how many kids there have had a sibling attend (good sign of happy parents). Is there a parents board?
This is a lot of questions and I asked not very many of them, but having put 3 kids through PK I’ve learned a lot! We LOVED our PK and happened upon a gem.
Anonymous says
I would ask about outdoor time and whether they use a behavior management system. The red/green/yellow cards, popsicle sticks, etc. were extremely stressful for my eager-to-please, compliant kid, and did absolutely nothing to rein in the rowdy ones. More outdoor time generally = a more orderly classroom and more relaxed kids.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’ve had my kids in daycare and/or preschool since they were babies (~4 months). DS #2 is in PreK2 (turns 3 in a few weeks), and DS #1 did Kinder at this place and is currently in Kinder in public (turned 6 recently).
I’m not as concerned on play vs. academics as most people here and in many of my circles IRL (I love a good worksheet AND learning via play…please don’t come at me ;)), and I do agree I think outside time/movement is important to burn off energy.
I think beyond what folks mention here, one thing I always highlight when friends ask this question is – does this place work for the family unit? I mean this in terms of commute, food (e.g. do they provide what you need/are you good to pack what you need, do they deal with allergies well, etc.), hours/calendar (DH and I absolutely needed options that offered summers), etc. I feel like folks (not saying this is OP) overlook those key things often because a place has some social cache/reputation.
Kate Sokolnicki says
Ask for references and talk to them. What did they like, what did they not like. How does the staff communicate. If they have an extended day (“preschool” here is like 9-12 at most places), what options are there for enrichment in the other hours (mine does Taekwondo lessons 2x a week at 8am I think, you pay extra but it’s all done there). Play based vs worksheets as others have said. Tour and see how the kids are interacting w/ staff and each other.
I was worried that ours only had one bathroom (like 10 stalls, boys and girls separate) down the hall. My newly trained 3.5yo was FINE. I’m glad I didn’t base my decision solely on facilities – they’ve since renovated and even tho still have 1 bathroom vs the fancy Bright Horizons with a bathroom in each classroom, it was a complete nonissue. They totally redid the playground now and it’s amazing too – so if facilities are meh, feel free to ask what they are planning.
anon says
How do you deal with a colleague who sends you large, complex assignments via long, complex emails that really should’ve been meetings? (Honestly, didn’t even know this was a thing until I worked with this person.) What she is asking for is reasonable to expect my team to do, but it often comes at the 11th hour and the content area isn’t exactly in our wheelhouse, so it takes longer to turn around. She also expects lots of drafts and revisions, so it snowballs quickly.
And, I’m not sure if it’s her writing style or what, but it takes me forever to figure out what she’s even asking for. It’s this huge, unhelpful information dump every time. She is technically senior to me, so I try to make it work but it is just not a smooth process and it’s happened multiple times now. I always ask clarifying questions and usually end up suggesting that we video chat, but she has a ton of meetings so I get replies at weird times, further delaying the whole thing and further stressing me out.
She’s a nice person but I can’t stand working with her because I think she thinks she’s being helpful, when really it’s chaotic. And it’s hard to delegate to anyone on my team when I don’t even understand what she’s looking for.
Help. How do I work with this person?
Anon says
Talking to my manager would be my first step.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t expect her to change. I have empathy for the email over the call as I work across a few time zones and I’ve often had better luck laying things out in emails because otherwise you end up with ‘recollections may vary’ about the instructions in a meeting.
Given her love of drafts, I would do a quick response laying out the main bullets for the first draft and any quick questions. Also identify 3 timeslots in the next 24 hours when you can take quick call from her to discuss if that’s helpful. Check her schedule in Outlook before suggesting the times as you’ll look foolish if you suggest times when she is clearly in a meeting. Then task a junior to draft based on her initial email and your reply. You can update junior with new instructions if you get a response to your email.
anon says
Ask her to send the email and schedule a meeting to discuss at the same time.
Spirograph says
I had a very similar situation with someone like this – technically senior, but not my supervisor. It was awful. What worked (ish) was
1. Blocking 15 -30 minutes to parse the email
2. Essentially reformatting the request and sending it back to him. Writing it out kind of like a project overview helped me identify most potential questions and gotchas right up font.
Hi long-winded colleague, I’m happy to partner with you on this, my understanding of your request is below. I’ve scheduled 15 min with you [first available] to go through some clarifying questions, and again to review the first draft on Thursday. We need a couple days to research.
– Due (date)
– First draft (date)
– Stakeholders: blah blah blah
– Expected product: Exec presentation for (audience) on (topic) – approximately 4 slides + speaker notes
– Assumptions: blah blah blah
– Questions: blah blah blah
Please let me know ASAP if any of that is incorrect; my team will get started on this today.