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Anon says
This is for older kids, but maybe some of you have done this or know someone who has.
My 13YO needs jaw surgery due to a severe overbite. They can take her wisdom teeth out at the same time. It will be a hard first week of recovery and several hard weeks after that, which we can do when school is out.
I understand that it is what is done now, medically. I am also aware that people have major cosmetic surgery and claim it is just jaw surgery (sort of like how people used to have nose jobs and claim it was fixing a deviated septum). I am a bit afraid that I won’t recognize my kid after or that her face will majorly change. I know that there will be some change but I am praying it will be minimal. Has anyone done this or can you talk me off of a ledge?
go for it says
My son had a 3 finger deep overbite so I respect the worry big time. We opted out of surgery after getting 2nd & 3rd opinions primarily around the premise of his looking like a totally different person. We ultimately went the braces route with very good results. He still has a subtle overbite but looks like himself if that makes any sense. Recommend getting other opinions, if nothing else to alleviate the justifiable concerns you have. Keep us posted.
Anon says
+1 it was a long while ago now, but a dentist suggested surgery to my parents when I was a kid. They got a second opinion and just went with braces (which included headgear, but I only had to wear it at night and didn’t mind it that much). I think I look fine.
Anonymous says
Is a 3-finger overbite the width of three fingers? Like 3 cm of an overbite?
Our family is challenged by the fact that we hit puberty early, so I didn’t grow after I was 10. We are in a similar boat with an overbite measured in milimeters (but described as severe). My kid is SOOO young but has already gotten her period at 10 and has likely mainly stopped growing, so it seems that braces will only be able to do so much with the jaw. They can push the teeth forward, but that may make the bite unstable. All I know is that my kid can’t bite lettuce at all because her lower teeth hit her hard palate, not other teeth.
Our neighbor’s daughter had it done, but had a sever underbite, so the cosmetic changes were welcome. She still looks like the same kid mostly, just with a more typical lower jaw.
Anonymous says
I don’t know if surgery was suggested to my parents but I remember my overbite being deep enough to fit 3 fingers (laterally, not stacked) and I just had braces and headgear.
Anon says
so i actually did have a deviated septum, which i needed fixed, and did a bit of cosmetic stuff with it, i did not look totally different after. growing up my next door neighbor had something like this done. i dont recall it significantly changing her appearance
Anonymous says
Definitely get a second and third opinion. I had a serious bike accident at 14yo that came very close to breaking my jaw and required emergency surgery. I still deal with jaw issues today. At one point during a period of high stress I developed lock jaw and couldn’t eat. If you can avoid breaking the jaw, I would.
Anonymous says
I would get a second and third opinion. There are some appliances that can cause the lower jaw to grow into place but obviously the timing is an issue.
If the overbite is severe and the lower jaw is too short, the cosmetic changes will likely be positive. I had a severe overbite and an underdeveloped lower jaw that were significantly improved with an appliance and years of braces, not surgery, and I have always been grateful that I now look relatively “normal.” I still have to hold my lower jaw in an unnatural way so I think I might even have been happier with a surgical result, but on the other hand I’m glad not to have had to suffer through the recovery. The cosmetic change from orthodontia that I am unhappy with is the significant widening of my daughter’s nose from two rounds of palate expansion, the second of which I question the necessity of.
Anonymous says
Have you talked to her doctor about this?
anon says
I had a college roommate who had to eat through a straw for the entire summer between freshman and sophomore year because she had some kind of major jaw surgery. I don’t think it was an underbite or overbite. It was more like her jaw was too narrow? Anyway, she looked SO much prettier after the surgery. I could still recognize her, of course, but it was a major cosmetic improvement. On the other hand, I think that summer of recovery and maybe isolation really did a number on her mental health…
Anonymous says
Counterpoint – I should have received jaw surgery for my overbite and did three, yes three, rounds of braces. I had ortho from ages 8-18. And then just finished Invisalign at 36!! I had a classmate who had the jaw surgery in grad school and made her a LOT more attractive.
Book recs for starting reader says
Hi all, my first grader is something of a struggling reader. We have been working our way through Hooked on Phonics at home and he is making progress but doesn’t seem to have much interest in reading to himself yet even though he can read easier books aloud when we ask him to (eg he can read most of a Fly Guy book aloud without help). Does anyone have any recommendations for books or series that have gotten your similarly aged/skilled child into reading by him/herself? He does tend to be pretty stereotypically boy in his interests.
Clementine says
The answer for my kids was more farts. Me tolerating more ‘rudeness’ in books was key. We started with Cat Kid and moved to Dog Man (graphic novels). Kid adored them. It felt like repeating the graphic novels with pictures every page really just helped him.
Other books that were popular: the Lunch ladies books. Dragon Masters (a whole series) – maybe more for 2nd Grade. Max and the Midnights
AwayEmily says
Yes to Lunch Ladies! Also the Scholastic “Who Would Win” series (animal battles).
GCA says
Yes to graphic novels, Lunch Lady, and Who Would Win! The Bad Kitty and Cam Jansen series were also a hit in our house. Honestly I think the ‘trick’, such as it is, is to find content that will hold their interest, whether that’s animal facts, space, fantasy, dragons, or fart jokes.
SC says
My son was also a reluctant reader. The books that got him reading were the Dog Man graphic novels. I read the first one or two to him, then we alternated some for a couple of books. One day, I came home with the next Dog Man and put it on the kitchen table. While DH and I were working in the kitchen, DS opened the book up and just read it to himself all the way through.
They’re silly and full of potty humor, but they’ve been a gateway drug for reading for many kids.
Turtlemania says
I swear that Dog Man taught my kid to read!
AwayEmily says
My kid was basically in the same place at her age (though our teacher was not worried since she was making decent progress). We kept trying to give her plenty of opportunities to read and kept putting lots of different options in front of her (as per below). Tho I’ll note that even with all of this, I still don’t think her “reading for fun by herself” kicked in until a month or so into second grade. Here’s what we did —
– Got her a kids Kindle, with Amazon kids unlimited books
– Went to the library each week and got a big selection of books, including ones that were somewhat “too easy” for her, to build her confidence
– Got her a clip-on amber reading light for her bed and installed a bookshelf over it, which I would keep filled with lots of options. Then put her to bed before she was super tired and tell her she could read.
– Encouraged her to pick a few books for the car whenever we were going on a long-ish car ride
– Got lots of graphic novels from the library — these were such an amazing gateway for her because a lot of the easy reader type books are just kind of BORING. Graphic novels are still easy to read, but a bit more interesting, plot-wise.
Anyway this is a tangent — you asked for specific books. She really loved the Catwad series. Scholastic Acorn books are good, too. She liked Unicorn and Yeti.
–
Anon says
Seconding Scholastic Acorn books–they’re designed to be about things kids find interesting and want to read about, while also being developmentally-appropriate. My kids went through a lot of those and then the harder Branches books before moving on to other chapter books.
Anon says
The Branches series are really great. Dragon Masters is a great series with cliff hangers that keep kids reading. Kingdom of Wrenly was a bit easier and very popular too. The Last Firehawk was also a hit.
If they’re a bit hard, start by alternating paragraphs or pages and work up to solo reading.
Anonymous says
Not exactly what you asked but my kid voluntarily picks up her knock knock joke book to read to us. She’s not reading to herself, but she is initiating reading. She largely doesn’t get the humor (because it relies heavily on puns). There are a ton of knock knock books out their for kids (I think ours is called something like “knock knock jokes for 4-6 year olds”.
Anon says
Maybe explore non fiction. My daughter age 6 loves animals and gravitates to non fiction books with animal facts. She told me she doesn’t like animals pretending to be people and that those books are boring. We found some factual books about polar bears, elephants, etc from National Geographic that she will pick up and read on her own. A few big words she needs help with but a lot of it she can read herself.
Anon says
The ‘boy’ books were key for us at that age – the Bad Guys series (lots of fart jokes, so many fart jokes), books about Marvel superheroes, the Who Would Win series, etc. Basically anything silly, kind of gross, about superheroes, firefighters, polic officers, etc.
anon says
My boys loved the Stink books (brother of Judy Moody) around that age.
Anonymous says
My 11 year old still prefers to be read to given the choice, and his reading level has consistently been above or on grade level. So this may not be an issue at all other than inconvenient for you. If memory serves, in first grade he was very into Dog Man and the rest of the Dav Pikley universe, Fly Guy, and maybe Elephant and Piggie (that may have been more K though). He really likes funny books.
But also check out these lists:
https://www.whatdowedoallday.com/graphic-novels-for-beginning-readers/
https://www.whatdowedoallday.com/funny-early-readers/
https://www.whatdowedoallday.com/books-like-dog-man/
And National Geographic easy readers
Also, the subscription based Epic e-book website has a lot of books he liked, although he did many of them as read alouds.
And the Comic Squad series – these are compilations of graphic novels by different authors, so if your child finds one he likes within one of the books, you can then go read the author’s other books.
anon says
My 6 yo loves Magic Treehouse audio books. While he can’t read them on his own, he loves listening to them and because of one of the main characters, started carrying around a notebook and taking “notes” (aka practicing writing on his own initiative!). Maybe this particular book won’t be the one for your son, but perhaps trying out a few audio books will help spark that interest in stories.
Spirograph says
My youngest has also loved Magic Treehouse audio books since he was in K. He’s in 2nd now and is starting to read them on his own. He like nonfiction or at least something with “fun facts” to learn better than straight fiction stories.
To the “more farts” point above, 100% agree. +1 to Dog Man and Cat Kid. Rabbit and Bear was a big hit with my boys, too (although definitely a read-together level of difficulty for the average first grader). Rabbit’s Bad Habits is about rabbits eating their own poop, so that’s a good one to start with. Even aside from the poop-eating, Rabbit is just kind of high strung in a way that the kids think is hilarious.
Anon says
Vox books have a read aloud that goes along with the story – they have them at our library and it’s a nice bridge.
If your kid likes dogs or little kids and you have cooperative ones available, reading aloud to them can be really motivating
snoopy says
WWYD – kid refusing to go to preschool edition
Backstory: We moved from the Netherlands to the US six weeks ago. DS is four and started preschool here in the US two weeks ago. He went to preschool in the Netherlands but speaks and understands English because his dad is from the US.
He has been complaining that he stays here in preschool longer than back in the Netherlands (this is mostly due to us so far only having one car and my husband picks him up after work). He stays until 4-5 pm vs. 1 pm in the Netherlands.
I have been writing this off as adjusting to live here and general homesickness.
I currently stay home with our baby while I figure out how to start practicing law here, so he technically doesnt NEED to go go preschool but I believe that being in a group of peers in beneficial (and helps his English as we speak Dutch at home).
However this morning he refused to eat breakfast, get dressed to go out and cried big tears about how he doesnt want to go and for the first time told us that a kid in his class picks on him. Hitting, telling him that he will eat my son’s food (he gets special food due to allergies) and spitting on other kids (not DS so far).
I broke down and kept him home for the day. Probably a mistake. I am trying to make this day at home as borning as possible to make preschool more appealing. I also have a call scheduled with his teacher around lunch time.
What should we do moving forward? Straight out force him in the morning? Keep him home longer until he is going voluntarily?
OP says
I shoud add that he LOVED going to preschool back in the NL, so this behavior is completely new.
Anon says
this sounds like a big transition. i think it is smart to talk to the teacher, see what the suggestions are. it is heartbreaking when kiddos cry before going to school, and it is also probably hard bc you are home with the baby, maybe try to give him some 1:1 time on the weekend. my kids loved their preschool and went through random spurts at different times where they would be crying about going for whatever reason
Anonymous says
If you let him stay home he will never voluntarily go back. Carry him in to school, drop him with a breezy goodbye, and get out as quickly as possible. He’s just been through an enormous transition so it’s okay if he takes some time to adjust.
anon says
Talking to the teacher about how to get him space from that particular classmate is good, but I suspect a lot of this just requires time to adjust and keeping him home won’t help in the long run. I have a friend who’s kid was in full-time daycare in the US but then moved to Europe around 3 or 4 and had a really hard time with the transition despite the length of day being the same because it’s just exhausting to learn routines for a new classroom, especially on top of moving to a new country. Like your son, he knew the language of the new country, but it was the first time he’d ever been in an environment where that was the only language spoken all day, which is also exhausting in its own way. They basically just kept sending him and he eventually adjusted.
anon says
ETA I don’t at all mean to imply that keeping him home today was the wrong choice, so sorry if this came off like that. (I was partly thinking about my kids for whom consistent routine helps them adjust fastest.)
Anonymous says
We also moved when DS was around that age and he found the change really hard. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here. You shouldn’t feel like a failure if you decide to reduce his hours at preschool. And you shouldn’t feel like a bad mom if you make him go to preschool every day. You just made a huge transition to a new place, and there’s going to be a period of adjustment.
What’s your plan for the summer? Does preschool continue then? I might try switching him to three days a week or something like that, knowing that you can adjust course in the summer or in September.
Clementine says
oh buddy! This kid’s world has basically been totally rocked. He’s totally had his life shifted… I think I would be struggling too… and then there’s the mean kiddo which just sounds so hard.
I think that you made a good call keeping him home today and that I would have done the same thing. I think that spending time with kiddo and talking to his teacher and making a plan with kiddo for school are all good things. Right now I would give both you and your kiddo grace and understand that this is HUGE for anybody, especially when you’re 4!
Anon says
I would listen to him, and find a part time preschool program, since you have flexibility. Staying until 5pm every day IS a very long time. Or, if the car is an issue, let him go three days and stay home entirely the other two.
I think having more time at home with his family is going to be a better way to help him cope with this huge change, as long as he getting some socialization at other times. He is a very young child experiencing a major culture change; he does not need a full-time job right now.
NYCer says
+1. Does the current school allow you to pick him up at lunch time? If not, I would seriously consider a new preschool that is only half day. They definitely exist for pre-K (my daughter goes to one).
Anonymous says
It sounds like a big transition for a little kid (and his parents too). My child, who has spent her entire life in one town, also struggled with *going* to pre-K. She had massive meltdowns in front of the school on a regular basis. She didn’t have problems *attending* pre-K though, by which I mean she was mostly fine after I left. In addition to asking about the classroom environment, I’d ask the teachers how your son is during the day. I also felt like it was a long day for her (basically 9-5). Is there a chance you can pick your son up at 1pm a day or two a week? Not sure how far away it is but maybe a Wednesday uber would give him a mid-week rest. My kid is now in K and loves it. I think she just grew up a bit over the summer. It’s hard to watch them struggle but your son will be ok.
Anon says
I don’t think letting him stay home today was a mistake. I think it is really important that he knows that if he tells you something like this, you’ll take it seriously and act on it. Being in a group of peers can be beneficial, but it can also be harmful, and it’s not a bad lesson that we shouldn’t expect to be hit, threatened, or witness people spitting on each other out of hostility. I hope the school steps up to address this situation if this is what’s going on.
Anon says
+1
anon says
I would cut back but have him consistently go 5 days a week if there’s any way you can. We did the same for my older son when the baby was born, and now he’s back to happily going all day.
My son is in a German preschool, which is maybe similar to preschool in the NL, but I speak English to him at home. We recently trialed a few international preschools. What I realized is that (1) speaking English for him is more of a burden than I thought, even though he seems to me like he’s doing great (2) compared to the German system, the US-style system initially seemed more calm to me, but I realized they’re very structured, which is more demanding for my son’s personality type. I think he could gradually adjust, but it was fairly eye-opening for me.
Anon says
Just for one data point: every time my children switch classrooms in the same daycare center (where they already know all the teachers and many of the kids in their new class), we get daily AM tears for a solid month. Based on what I hear from other parents at our center, this isn’t uncommon. The other aspects raise more questions, but two weeks is sooo short so far!
Anon says
I have three kids, and my youngest is currently 4. My advice isn’t a good fit for everyone, but it might fit your situation. None of my kids loved preschool at age 4, and I kept them home with me pretty frequently the year before they started K. I work from home, and basically just let the kids play around the house while I work. At 4, all of mine have understood the drill pretty well – they needed to play independently and quietly, no screens, and sometimes I have to shut my office door for calls. I break for lunch, and then there is rest time in the child’s bedroom, then I’ll put the TV on around 4 while the older kids get off the bus.
In my experience, 4 is still really young, but when social stuff in a classroom really seems to amp up. For my two introverted kids, in particular, a full day really was taxing on them. I could have picked them up midday, but honestly found it more disruptive to drive to school at 8AM and pick up at 1PM, rather than just letting the kids play quietly while I worked. For my older two, they both have really fond memories of these quiet days at home that disappear once they get into Kindergarten, and for my youngest, I know these days are limited. They were also old enough to understand that K was different than preschool, so it didn’t set up any crazy expectations for skipping school as they got older.
In your case, I’m sure your son is just absolutely mentally and maybe even physically exhausted from this huge transition. It’s much different because you have a baby at home (so you might need the break from your 4 yr old!!), but if you can swing it, maybe ease him into full days by only taking him a few days a week?
Anon says
+1 We often do ourselves a disservice as parents by worrying about precedent or setting kids up for the future instead of focusing on the situation of NOW. Maturity takes care of a lot with kids, and by keeping your son home sometimes/often in preschool (if he’s only 3, that’s all the more reason to pull back and not worry), it doesn’t mean he’ll become a flunky. It just means he is looking for more downtime and parent connection right now, and if he gets those needs met, he may be ready to spread his wings when he’s a year older
(I’m lucky to be a SAHM, and keep all my kids home full time until 4yo preK. They’ve all transitioned beautifully, and I think *for my kids* having that solid home base time has helped. I can see your son feeling especially sad right now if you and the baby are home full time without him)
Anon says
Poor buddy – so much transition. I’d also try to keep him going daily but pick up after lunch or nap. I’d talk to the teacher about the kid he mentioned. And probably most importantly I’d set up play dates with a kid or two – either whoever he has mentioned or who the teachers recommend as a kind and potential buddy. Having someone to look forward to is a big help in getting a kid to shift perspective on daycare.
Anonymous says
Favorite drugstore moisturizer? The girl at Sephora said my skin is dry.
Anonymous says
I have had the best results with the La Roche-Posay niacinamide serum.
Anon says
Vanicream. It is cheap, effective, and sinks in more quickly than anything else I’ve tried. It’s super gentle and has never irritated my sensitive skin.
anon says
CeraVe PM works magic for me. Slather it on at night and I notice a difference in the morning.
HSAL says
Second this. I just started using it after they discontinued my beloved Neutrogena night cream and I love it.
Anon says
+1 love this stuff. I use it AM and PM.
Mary Moo Cow says
Vanicream and Palmer’s Cocoa Butter.
anon. says
ELF Holy Hydration. I never used moisturizer (very humid climate, derms always said not to) but as I aged and needed it more, this became a holy grail product. No pun intended.
Anon says
Not technically drug store but – “The Ordinary” – Natural Moisturizer. It’s at target and pretty inexpensive.
Cb says
I’ve been doing some politics lessons with the big kids at my son’s school and went to do some French in his class today, as he was jealous I missed out his class. And my goodness, those kids are squirrelly. I thought 1st graders would be able to sit quietly/politely for 5 minutes? I was reading the gruffalo, so a familiar story, and pausing to ask them questions, etc, so not exactly teaching verb tenses.
One kid yelled at me to “speak in a NORMAL language” and half of them were rolling around on the floor! The teacher must be exhausted by the end of the day.
AND my son looked grumpy the whole time, so no good deed goes unpunished.
Anon says
I swear there’s something in the air right now, or maybe it’s just spring. Our 1st grade Girl Scout troop was off the walls yesterday, whereas usually they’re just a little squirrelly but happily settle down into our planned activities and games.
Cb says
Oh no! My son’s Beaver pack is having their first sleepover on Saturday and I’m hoping they aren’t too wild. My husband has been roped in as a volunteer (he sits on the board, so has all the requisite checks, but mostly runs meetings and approves spending) and I think he’s a bit terrified.
Anonymous says
My daughter (this may be key) was diagnosed as having ASD-1 at 10. Not at 2, which would have been helpful. Is it possible that kids may become more autistic over time? She went to FT daycare at 15 weeks and had no issues there. Regular public school was good — some trouble settling down to circle time, but good grades and no conduct problems. Now, it seems like since the Dx, she has embraced it and even doubled down on it, like having autism is her reason to not do anything she doesn’t prefer and have unlimited screen time (which got out of hand during the pandemic when our schools closed for a year and a half) because it helps her stay regulated. One therapist suggested NOT telling her, which maybe I should have listened to, but she is sharp enough that she figured out what we were testing her for. She is doing well in school now, but only wants to do school and have zero activities outside of school (even ones she formerly liked or at least did). It may be that the other kids are advancing socially where she is not and she no longer can make friends at school (they are more acquaintances; tween girls are much more advanced socially and yet she can’t be rough-and-tumble with peer boys because they also don’t sync up). I am hoping that I can just help find her happy quirky peace in the world that she used to have. Now, she just seems to be fried and OT and a therapist and meds are just not helping her lose so much ground in the happiness / peace / tranquility department. Yesterday she seemed to be annoyed to walk the dog on a greenway she usually loves and it felt like all she wanted to do on a lovely day was play on her Switch. I am scared she will just retreat from the world into gaming (and yet a little bit, I’d be OK with; moderation is so, so hard for her) .
Anon says
I wish I could remember exactly where I read this (it was posted on the main page at one point), but apparently there is some evidence that kids who get a diagnosis will “lean into it” (for lack of a better term) and use it as a lens to justify poor behavior or habits. I wonder if a bit of that is happening with your daughter (your mention of screentime makes me think so).
Controversial opinion, but I do think that strict screentime limits should be explored more, especially if you’re noticing problematic behaviors like wanting to play Nintendo Switch rather than walk the dog. The overstimulation and dopamine hits that come from screens can be really mesmerizing, especially for kids with any neurological issues, and I think it’s also very easy to retreat into the safety of the screen world when things like being social feel hard.
I wish you all the best. This stuff isn’t easy and I don’t pretend my ideas will “solve” anything – they might just be things to try.
Anon says
ADHD Dude gives advice along these lines…I don’t know how much overlap there may be with your daughter and her diagnosis, but his broad point is that a lot of the “conventional therapy wisdom” out there is to lower expectations and lean into all sorts of excuses for ND kids, when that is really doing everyone a disservice. It’s possible to have firm boundaries, with appropriate scaffolding, that empower kids to meet high expectations.
I am beginning the eval process with one of my kids (I think ADHD, but maybe ASD and who knows what else), and I find this message really refreshing. But obviously I have not walked your journey or even have a diagnosis yet, so feel free to take with a grain of salt.
I also second the parent-imposed screen time limits. We allow screens only on the weekend and screens for just a couple hours on F/Sa evenings. Even that makes me worried it’s too much, as I see how it can monopolize this child’s mind and behavior.
Anon says
Should be and *gaming on F/Sa evenings. On weekend mornings they can watch TV, but no gaming. I have looked into it a lot and, while there’s some analysis that screens can be regulating for some kids (esp in extreme cases), by and large it seems screens lead to more disregulation and addiction in the long term for ND children
Anon says
My other comment is in mod, but my son (OCD diagnosis, probably ADHD too) uses video games when he’s having a hard time calming or quieting his brain/body down. It usually works for a short time, then he gets overly reliant on it, and is absolutely dysregulated when he comes off of it. It’s a vicious cycle! As he’s gotten older, he recognizes that he doesn’t like how he feels when he comes off games, so we have a mutually agreed decision that he doesn’t use a “small screen” (iPad, Switch, etc.) during the week — he will occasionally watch a TV show, but that’s it.
He does much better with regular structured physical activities — I’m sure we look like the crazy sports parents, but he’s his happiest self when he gets to play soccer, baseball, or flag football after school every day. Best days are in the fall and spring when he goes to practice, then comes home to eat, and it’s light enough for him to play on our swing set right up until bedtime. Winter is harder, but easier as he’s been able to join travel teams that play indoors all year. Long winded way of saying that hard physical exercise seems to help him stay away from short term solutions, which is mostly interactive games for him. He’s also very social, but I could see pursuing something like indoor rock climbing if the social side of sports was too much.
Anon says
I like this messaging…my son has diagnosed OCD (and suspected ADHD), and I could easily receive an OCD/ADD diagnosis. We both vocalize when we are having a hard time with a certain behavior, and challenge each other when we are struggling. For instance, yesterday I had two items I was struggling to manage, and was using some of the methods we’ve been learned through his cognitive behavior therapy. I told him as I was going through it, and he legit helped me push through — we both celebrated after. Same thing when I see him struggling — we both talk through how he is managing, and celebrate it after. In this way, he doesn’t identify with the diagnosis, just recognizes individual behaviors as being related to his OCD. This isn’t exactly what OP is experiencing, and OCD is definitely different, but we’ve had a lot of luck associating symptoms with the diagnosis, not identifying with it entirely.
Anon says
I really like the ADHD dude approach. My kid has AuDHD (ADHD first, ASD-1 second around 10). We talk a LOT about how ‘a reason is not an excuse’ and that you can’t use other people as emotional punching bags.
I’d start with, saying yes, you have ASD. That tells us how your brain processes information and that some things may be more difficult/challenging for you. We can work together to identify those things and offer you support/scaffolding. Your diagnosis does NOT give you permission to be rude, to not follow house rules around screens, to not do your share of chores, to opt out of schoolwork, etc. Basically – you are still a person in a society and it’s my job as a parent to help you achieve and that won’t happen by only letting you do the things that you like and are easy just like how you can’t eat only chocolate/chips and be healthy.
We ALSO had lots and lots of talks about how to regulate, how to ask for privacy on a playdate if you needed to reset/calm down, that it’s ok to stim/scream into a pillow/punch a bag/etc. but that you cannot hurt other people on purpose when you’re disregulated. A good OT/therapist can help a ton with those conversations and strategies.
Good luck!
Anon says
I agree with every word of this.
Anon says
Found it! It’s “How Anxiety Became Content” by Derek Thompson in the Atlantic. Not sure if you’re still reading but if you are, that’s the one.
Anon says
Thank you for sharing your story – sounds like you are a great parent. Caveat that I do not have any dx for ND kids (yet – time will tell). My thoughts: maybe this is just her “processing period”, and with time you can enforce more reasonable boundaries (e.g. you don’t have to play all the sports, but you have to do something outside of school).
anon says
My ND kids are younger, but the gap between them and their peers is way more apparent at 7 than at 2.
eh230 says
I have an ASD-1 son who is 10 and was diagnosed at 3. I say this super respectfully, but please just give her a minute. She has probably been conditioned to mask most of her life (not because of how you parented but because the world is designed for NT people and she was trying to follow the rules). It’s really hard to find out that you are different and to acknowledge that you have to struggle through things that NT kids don’t. She needs to make peace with being autistic. It may take her time. The older ASD kids are, the harder it is to meet social expectations. My kid attends a group therapy session for ND kids twice a month. A therapist runs the group, but they also have teen ambassadors that are also ND. Each kid sets a goal for at least those two weeks (can be a longer term goal too). There is a “lesson” at the beginning of each session, the kids then break with the teen ambassadors to talk about progress on their goals and techniques on how to handle challenges they may have, and then they have sharing time and a fun activity. It is hugely beneficial for my kid to be around other ND kids to see that everyone has different support needs and goals. I also think the teen ambassadors are so great because they help the younger kids see possible paths ahead of them. As for your daughters interests and screen time. For lots of ASD kids (not necessarily the case for NT or other types of ND), screen time is super regulating. I used to freak out about it a little but am much chiller about now that my kid has other interests (music, physical activity, etc.). She may be relying on extra screen time now as a coping/escape mechanism. She may not understand that you will encourage interests that she thinks appear weird to other people. There may also be something in particular that she has a special interest in within the screens she likes. Maybe she likes that the games have different worlds. You could encourage her to create her own through drawing or coding. Maybe she likes the characters or game design. I would lean into asking questions and learning more. Sorry this is a novel, but know that with your support your kid will come around and may even come to embrace her diagnosis. My son now says that he is glad that he is autistic because “it makes me smarter than everyone else.” He knows that is not objectively true, but he also knows that his ASD is a super power that lets him retain and recall information and notice details in ways that many NT people can’t even fathom. It doesn’t have to be a struggle for her whole like, but you may have to adjust (not necessarily lower) your expectations.
Maternity leave says
I am getting ready to have a baby next month and be out on my 12 week maternity leave, work has not quieted down for me whatsoever, and I am having so much trouble getting up the motivation to get things done. I’m not sleeping well so I’m tired, all I really want to think about is baby prep, and this is the busy season for the most mundane parts of my job. There really isn’t any advice other than just pull it together, but would love to hear how other people kept motivated through these last few weeks. At this point I’m terrified the baby will come early and I’ll run out of time to wrap everything up!
New Here says
I was in a similar position to you in December 2019. I was prepping to be out for 12 weeks during our busiest time. I remember being in an absolute panic that I wasn’t leaving my team in the best place.
I constantly had to tell myself – I am doing as much as I can before I am out. After X date, I can’t do anything else and I’ve done everything I can do.
Anon says
Yes, motivate yourself by trying to leave your work each evening in the best possible place, and keep updating a running status document that others can reference, but ultimately what will happen will happen. My first was three weeks early and I was…not ready. But life went on.
CCLA says
You probably won’t finish everything – and that’s OK! Behave now as though baby could come any day and focus on triage. Make a list of projects, include a list of key contacts for that project externally if applicable, who is taking over internally (if you know), the status, any key upcoming deadlines, and if you can, a summary of what remains to be done or other pertinent info that would be helpful for someone jumping into the project to take over for you. This can be an outline, a spreadsheet, whatever works. I would focus on pulling this list together over almost anything else. Then once you have that list, start working through it based on whatever is most pressing and update it, ideally daily before you leave. I did this twice, and with second kid when she came a few weeks early it was super helpful for transitions. It was also helpful for focusing and keeping some of that motivation as it felt more like baby prep than work. Good luck!
Anon says
I don’t think it’s realistic in most jobs to truly wrap everything up – new stuff comes in all the time and people will assume you’ll be picking it up as normal until you are out. I’d focus on having your work in a good spot so someone else can run with it – like files saved and labeled clearly, run through key upcoming deadlines with whoever is covering you, etc. And it is SO hard at the end – apparently in some European countries may leave starts a month before you are due and that makes good sense!
Anon says
does anyone have a kid who doesn’t seem to sleep well/how have you addressed the problem? one of my almost 6 year old twins has always been my “worse” sleeper, though compared to some of the horror stories i’ve read on here, she seems better than many (was sleeping 12+ hours a night by 5 months, though we’ve gone through some rough spots). we were traveling last week and bed sharing and I realized just how poorly she sleeps – she sits up multiple times throughout the night, ends up with her feet on her pillow and head on the other end, and switches back some point during the night. when we are at home i’ve occasionally looked on the camera we have in her room, and see the same thing, that she’s rotated her body around, or a few times i’ve looked and don’t see her in her bed and go into her room and she is sleeping halfway across the room on the floor, or one time i nearly had a panic attack because i couldn’t find her (she was under her bed). i have to think that all of this movement is not very restful so even if she spends 10+ hours sleeping she isn’t getting good sleep. she often seems tired, falls asleep easily in the car, and i think some of her behavioral challenges could be a result of the fact she doesn’t sleep well. is this something i should raise with the pediatrician? she doesn’t necessarily seem to have issues falling asleep, but staying asleep
Anon says
I’m not sure moving in the night is evidence of bad sleep, especially in kids. I’ve always considered my just-turned 6 year old to be an amazing sleeper, but she does move in the night and often ends up sleeping sideways or upside down. She gets into some pretty uncomfortable-looking positions, but it doesn’t seem to bother her at all.
I guess if you’re seeing excessive day time sleepiness it might be worth a convo with the ped (although I think nodding off in the car is pretty normal), but otherwise I wouldn’t worry about it.
Anon says
Are there any other signs of apnea? I’d check in with your ped. My 4 year old was a heavy breather (but not much snoring) and was quite active at night based on the state of his bedding in the morning.
We got a sleep study and he had severe sleep apnea. It was quite shocking to us since we were on the fence about the sleep study to begin with since he didn’t have sleep issues but for the loud breathing and mouth breathing.
We just had his tonsils and adenoids out. The adenoids were 100% obstructing his nasal passage (or whatever it could block 100%).
All that to say is he masked it very well and it’s worth considering for your kid too.
anon says
Any other symptoms? Insane nighttime movement and daytime behavior were a couple symptoms of my kid’s sleep apnea, but she also had an assortment of other symptoms, like night terrors, sleep walking, sleep talking, teeth grinding, etc.
OP says
she had night terrors for a while, but (i’m scared to jinx this) hasn’t in a while. she does grind her teeth when sleeping. i guess i will reach out to the pediatrician. what do you do for sleep apnea in a kid?
Anon says
Our kid’s sleep apnea was helped with the removal of adenoids. If it had not helped, tonsils would have been removed. Finally, kid’s CPAP.
anon says
After her first sleep study confirmed apnea, we did consistent Flonase and Singulair for some number of weeks (we had done stints of them before for allergies), and we’ve been on allergy shots for a while. After the follow up sleep study showed no improvement, we removed tonsils and adenoids. At some point in there we also confirmed an asthma diagnosis, and started Flovent. The third sleep study some time after surgery confirmed the apnea had mostly resolved. So I think the key for us was tonsils + adenoids removed, but treating asthma and allergies probably also helped.
Anonymous says
What’s her bed set up like? One of my twins is an active sleeper and sleeps like a baby if he has a low mattress without a box spring and ‘nook’ so he can cozy into the corners of the headboard and likes at least one side of his bed to be right against the wall.
He woke up constantly on vacation when the boys had regular twin mattresses with box springs and not a wall on either side.
Anonymous says
What was most helpful for your partners to do re: parental leave? Specifically, I will have 12 weeks off work for the birth of our baby but my partner only gets 2 weeks — should he take it all at the beginning, or 1 week at the beginning and 1 week later, or something else?
Anon says
It’s kind of personal preference, but I think I’d want him to split the difference and have him do 1 week at the beginning and 1 week after I went back to work. My husband went back to work on the Monday after I gave birth on a Friday and it was fine, but 1) his work is pretty flexible (he’s a college professor) and 2) we had my mom staying with us for two weeks, and she was a big help. If we hadn’t had my mom and my husband had been at the office fulltime it would have been pretty rough for that first week.
Mary Moo Cow says
For my family, especially with baby 2, it was most helpful to split and have DH off for one full week in the early days and then the first week I went back to work after leave. The return to work was really hard for me and having someone keeping it together on the home front was a relief. It also enabled DH to have long stretches of time with the baby when she was getting alert, interesting, just more fun, instead of his only bonding time being long days of feed sleep and repeat.
Anonymous says
Agree with this!!!!! I had a terrible return to work and it would have been alleviated a lot if my husband had taken that week so I wasn’t getting used to both work and daycare drop off at the same time.
Anon says
two weeks is not very much time. my DH had one week, but half of it was used up with me being in the hospital recovering from a c section (i had a rough delivery) and when he went back one twin was still in the nicu. do you have plans of anyone else coming to help you in terms of family, etc.? does he have to completely decide in advance? depending on the day of the week you deliver, and your post partum hormones, I could see it being nice for DH to return to work midweek so you only have 2-3 days alone with the baby before the weekend. and then use up those extra days later on when you go back to work. i personally was an anxious mess postpartum and had a lot of anxiety about being alone with the baby, so i think the idea of having to make it through only a few days myself would’ve been helpful psychologically. (i also think if possible it is nice for you to return to work on a wednesday or thursday for the similar reasons). also, what is your childcare plan for when you return to work? one thing no one really talks about/forgets to mention is how frequently a newborn has to go to the pediatrician, and i couldn’t drive for quite a few weeks, so do you live in more of a driving area or a walking area?
Anon says
You’ve gotten some great input. If your partner’s work will not let them break it up (1st week, and 1st week back at work). I would vote for first two weeks at home. Babies tend to have a lot of pediatrician appointments their first few days home. So having someone around to help with those is really helpful.
Anon says
My partner took a week when I gave birth (he’s self-employed, so he could technically take as much as he wants but it’s unpaid). I told him next time I would like him to take 2. I had a rough delivery and was exhausted and a little freaked out to be left alone with a tiny baby. YMMV, but I would do the 2 upfront.
Betsy says
Would it be possible for him to take the two weeks of paternity leave when the baby is born and then take a week of vacation when you go back to work?
Anon says
And can you take more than 12 weeks. I’ve had 2 children and find 12 weeks way too short. I took 14 and 17 weeks and it was a big difference. I’m pregnant again and plan on taking 14-16 weeks this time.
Anon says
As a counterpoint, I only had 12 weeks and it was fine. I mean, I would have loved to be home for longer, but I don’t think two extra weeks would have made any difference, and I’m glad I didn’t burn vacation leave to extend my mat leave, because I wanted that time for vacations (infants are portable and in hindsight I wish we had traveled more the first year).