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Anonymous says
I’m getting over a cold but was coughing all night, and I’m trying to decide whether to take a sick day today to recover or try to power through. Complicating factor: I’m supposed to go on vacation tomorrow through Tuesday. I have a fairly low stress job in govt but we do have a lot going on right now. I’m really hoping not to have to cancel our trip because we already rescheduled due to illness. Thoughts?
Anon says
I have a similar job and I would take the sick day. Getting health requires rest and it’s only one additional day – your employer will manager without you. This is one of the perks of working in government and not a crazy Big Law environment IMO.
Anonymous says
Just take the sick day. People may be annoyed but it doesn’t sound like there will be long-term consequences, and you need to take care of yourself. If they can’t live without you for one extra day there are larger problems.
Anonymous says
Ok I did it! Thanks all.
AwayEmily says
Yes! I was about to comment — I was sick last Wednesday. I went back and forth about whether I should cancel my many meetings. I finally decided to do it and just rest and it was SO THE RIGHT CALL. And now a week later literally none of my missed meetings matter. these things always feel so important in the moment but they are almost always very skippable with few consequences.
Bette says
I see you already made the call but just wanted to say good for you! I’m trying to lean more into “take the day” too – was up all night Sunday with anxiety induced insomnia and barely slept and decided to take Monday as a mental health day (which I have literally never done before) and it was 100% the right call. I didn’t tell anyone at work it was a mental health day, just said I wasn’t feeling well, and I came back in such a better state on Tuesday. When in doubt, take the day! There are no awards for ignoring your own health and needs!
Anon says
I just read the book “what do you say” and it talks about letting kids make decisions, weight pros and cons etc. I am fairly strict with electronics and was curious- what are the age of your kids, and do you set limits around things like electronics (and if so; what kind)? I fear if I let my 9 year old make decisions around roblox she would play all day! Right now we only allow a couple hours on the weekends.
Anonymous says
A primary function of parenting is to grant your child the appropriate degree of autonomy–no more, no less–to support their independence and develop their decision-making abilities. The appropriate degree of autonomy will vary by child, by age, and by topic. A 9-year-old is not likely to be mature enough to make good decisions regarding electronics use, or to learn from poor decisions. That’s why parents usually set screen time limits at that age. There is probably another area where you can grant her more autonomy at this time. She can plan and pack her own school lunches, go to sleepaway camp, choose what books to read, have an allowance and make spending and savings choices, etc. etc. etc.
Anon says
I agree with this.
Anon says
Perhaps she can have control over the “when” and offer input to the “how long”, but as a parent I would set the total weekly amount until at least 13. So, you could tell her she has X hours a week and she can choose when to play.
Personally, screens disrupt our family flow so much that we are screen free during the week and limit it to weekend mornings (TV) and evenings (video games). And that works better for us right now (oldest is almost 8) than having the kids be more “in charge.” I realize your daughter is a bit older, though, so I’ll be following to see what more seasoned parents have to add
Anonymous says
We set the when and the what. More time allows on learning apps, less on Minecraft, less again on YouTube. Roblox for 11 year old but not for 8 year old.
Anon says
I only have a 5 year old, but we don’t really set limits around screen times other than the screens go off when it is bedtime, which I recognize is pretty kid dependent, although I do tend to regulate content (no youtube and there are a few shows she would watch that venture into mean girl territory and no online gaming with other people (computer AI is fine)). If I had to put rules down that we informally enforce, it’s that homework (which is minimal and optional and mostly involves practicing reading or math skills) has to be done before screens, and no screens at meal times where when she is eating with another person (she often eats dinner herself at 5 getting right off the bus while watching TV and the adults eat later, but weekends we eat meals together). She personally self-regulates pretty well and because it is not a forbidden fruit, she will often do other things (painting, magnatiles, playing with barbies, arts and crafts) when left to her own devices.
Anonymous says
We set limits. My kids get an hour a day and only my 9 year old uses it. She spends it mostly talking to friends. When I was 9 I was for sure watching tv and calling friends for an hour a day.
She also plays a ton of sports and has chores she has to do every day.
My younger two spend their one hour watching tv most days.
Anonymous says
I don’t set explicit limits but my kid rarely spends too much time on games or TV. The only limits are — no screens on weekday mornings, room has to be reasonably cleaned up and daily chores have to be done (as time appropriate), before screens are permitted.
During the week, she’s home from afterschool around 6 and has to do instrument practice, her chores, and have dinner — only if everything is done and there’s at least 15 minutes left until shower time (8) is she allowed on screens. That rarely ends up being more than 20 minutes, and most days she gets wrapped up in doing something in her room and doesn’t even remember.
On weekends, I allow her as much screen time as she wants in the morning (because I’m tired and want to sleep in and then drink my coffee and read in peace), but after about 10 am or so we usually go out to run errands or have some sort of plans. We are rarely home for long periods of time on weekends — we go to museums, parks, community events, or have playdates. If we are home for a long time we often do an activity like baking or crafts. We do one sport on Sundays and usually get groceries or go to target before or after. On weekend evenings, if we are home early enough we usually do a family movie night. We also go to the bookstore or library at least once a week, so kid is often bringing home new books she’s excited to read and gets wrapped up in that.
So honestly there just isn’t a lot of need to limit screen time. I’m not sure if it’s just my kid’s personality or because there are no explicit limits to push back against, but she doesn’t beg for more screen time or want to skip other activities for it.
Anon says
I personally view screen limits as most important for young kids because of their rapid cognitive development during that time. I also believe that it’s the parents’ job to set the framework/structure for ordinary life. I have friends who strongly believe otherwise (that the parents’ job is to respond/listen to the child’s needs). I see the value of that in many areas, but I think screens are addicting and damaging to the brain. I see such a negative impact on my own brain in adulthood! I’m more distractible, my attention span sucks, I pick up my phone constantly to check for notifications…
This says
+1.
Anonymous says
How is setting the framework and structure for ordinary life at odds with responding and listening to the child’s needs? Structure and support in navigating the world are exactly what children need. They just don’t know that’s what they need, and that’s why they have parents.
Anon says
I don’t think it’s at odds, but some of my friends do. I live in a crunchy area and a few seem to think that things like bedtime or mealtime or parental schedules infringe on the child’s internal schedule. I prefer a more structured, parent-led approach.
anon says
Haha those parents can reassess when their kids are teenage disasters who never learned how to have structure and discipline
DLC says
We set limits for our 11 year old – evenings only, and after chores/homework/teeth brushing, etc. is done. I think we’ve done this for three or four years.
Every couple of months we let her have a free range day where we just let her have her screen all day. She is always really happy for those days, but she does admit that it makes her feel sluggish. Not sure if it makes for better decision making later on because she never turns down her all day screen day.
I think having too many limits on her screentime creates a scarcity mindset for her and then she starts sneaking her screen when we aren’t paying attention, so I try not to arbitrarily take away her screen time, and I always make sure she knows that she can have her screen time back in x amount of time, or after y is done. She also tends to yell at me if I try to over explain my philosophy on screen time to her, so there’s that. It definitely feels like a work in progress.
GCA says
Kids are 7.5 and 4.5. Our current electronics policies come from a core ‘why’ and set of values: eg. As a way to decompress, switch gears and reset at the end of the day, kids get 2 episodes (about an hour) of something on their tablets between getting home and dinner. In place of TV, they can opt to play a game on the Switch, or read a book (2nd grader). Likewise on the weekends, it’s not something to do just because you are bored, but it’s an option when you need quiet downtime.
Socially, we’re not at the point where kids are using electronics to communicate with their friends, but they can play videogames with friends IF the friends are in the same room (eg during playdates) as it gets them relate to each other in person.
I’m pretty sure these will evolve, with family input, as they get older.
Anon318 says
Piling on to say that we set limits, but allow kids freedom within the limits. Kids (5 and 7) are allowed 45 minutes on their iPads per day and the limit is enforced through screen time rules that shutdown all apps at the 45 minute mark. However, kids are allowed to choose when they have their 45 minutes. They know if they use it all up in the morning before school, there won’t be any after school and vice versa.
anony says
I really love the “What Do You Say,” book (and the authors’ other book The Self-Driven Child), and I definitely buy the authors’ framework that you should give autonomy *if* the kids show that they are willing and able to think/talk through the pros and cons of any given decision and consider all the relevant information. (At the moment, one of my 9-year-old twins is much more advanced in that ability than the other.) As for screens, we enforce limits — usually about half an hour on weekdays, 2-3 hours on weekends — but the limits were agreed on with the kids after pretty lengthy discussion. They have little ability to put down electronics once they pick them up, but decent ability to make reasonable decisions in advance.
SC says
I have a 7 year old. We do not usually set explicit time limits. My son tends to get really focused on a single activity and do that for several hours. So, on Monday, he might spend 3 hours doing a puzzle. Tuesday, a video game. Wednesday, a Lego build. Thursday, building a fort out of boxes. Etc. I figure the screen time averages out throughout the week without me having to set a 45-minute-per-day limit.
We have set limits in the past. It was probably the right call when he was younger. At some point, it seemed like the limits gave the screens an outsized importance. The restriction made the screen more desirable, and Kiddo was more fixated on it than he otherwise would be. We had constant negotiating and bargaining over it. Eventually, I realized that when we didn’t enforce screen time limits, he’d have long sessions but then leave it alone for a few days.
Of course, there are specific times when screens are not an option. For example, we don’t do screens on short car trips or in restaurants. We have had vacations where iPad or Switch were only allowed in the car or on the plane, but not once we arrived.
Also, I’ll take screens away as a punishment sometimes. I’m not sure how effective it is since he seems perfectly fine playing with other stuff, but I struggle finding effective consequences for certain things, especially bedtime issues. (Like, you can’t give a time out when you’re basically trying to convince them to go into an extended time out until they fall asleep.)
Anon says
Need to get my kids new electric toothbrushes . Any recommendations?
Anon says
For young kids I buy the disposable character ones – Spinbrush or Oral-B usually. They get great reports at the dentist so they seem to be working
Anon says
My kids’ dentist recommends the quip becuase it’s a smaller head and so better for brushing small mouths
Anon says
We like the quip.
CCLA says
For younger kids, another vote for the quip, b/c of size.
Anonymous says
I like Sonicare with the smaller kid’s brush head.
Rollerblades says
Buying rollerbladers for my elementary school kid and looking for recommendations!
Spirograph says
I’d go fairly inexpensive and/or adjustable if this is the first set you’re buying. The novelty wore off for my kids pretty quickly. Bauer makes really good ones, but if your kid isn’t on a roller hockey team or your otherwise confident they’ll get a lot of use, it’s probably not worth it.
Spirograph says
*you’re. sheesh!
by inexpensive I mean …. just get some from target or something for the first pair. they’re totally adequate for occasional use
anon says
Yup. Ours is a no-name pair from Amazon that had good reviews. Sadly, my kids have not used them as much as I’d hoped.
anonM says
We got some for the kids at the sports resale shop by our house. Half the price. And, this was new to me but we found ones that were adjustable and slide out to make different shoe sizes. Hoping to get more use out of them thsi way!
AIMS says
We got “ Chicago Girls Sidewalk Roller Skates” for my daughter (age 7) on Amazon and they’ve been great – easy to learn, cute, she loves them. I just read a bunch of reviews on line and picked ones that were in her size with the best ones.
Anon says
Goodwill. Our have been worn twice and are likely too small now; glad not to have paid full price.
Anon says
for the past few weeks my kids have been at each other’s throats. saying mean things, doing mean things, being physical with one another, etc. nothing new or unusual is going on, i’ve tried giving them more one on one time with me, etc. what do you do to help your kids out of these phases.
Anonymous says
Time outs. You don’t have to like your sibling and you don’t have to play with them but you do have to treat them at least as respectfully as you would a classmate at school. No name calling/pushing etc.
Anything physical is a time out and no electronics for 24 hours. They generally play great together so it’s rarely an issue.
Anon says
so much of the parenting literature suggests that time outs are ineffective and I kind of see their point. if a kid is upset in the moment, and the physical response or the verbal one is almost like a reflex vs. a premeditated decision. kind of like i don’t wake up in the morning planning to yell at my kids that day, but sometimes in the moment i am just so frustrated and it comes out
Anon says
I don’t really believe there are one size fits all parenting methods. I’m sure they’re ineffective for some kids. They’ve been pretty effective for my kid.
Anon says
Yep. They modified as my behavior as a kid because I was a people pleaser so my parents think they “worked”, but I still have vivid memories of sitting in time out ruminating on how much I hated my parents and siblings. My siblings and I still have a competitive relationship for my parents’ affection (although we are generally good friends). So in actuality they were counter productive and I don’t use them for my kids.
I either separate the kids in a non-punitive way (we all need a break, you go to this room and you to that room to play and we’ll try again in 15 min) or I act as coach and try to get them to explain their point of view to the other and come up with a better solution. Very time intensive, but over the long run I am seeing the fruits.
Anonymous says
“ we all need a break, you go to this room and you to that room to play and we’ll try again in 15 min”
I consider this a ‘time out’ so I guess it depends on what that means to different people.
Anonymous says
Yep, in my house we call it a “reset,” which means taking a couple minutes to calm down and get a hug if wanted.
Anon says
I guess, but the comment said time out and no electronics for 24 hours, which is a punitive response. The separating into rooms (not necessarily bedrooms, just different places) is not a punishment, it’s a break to keep people safe and allow us to regain composure. Maybe this seems pedantic, but the motivation behind the parenting tactic is important to me
Anonymous says
I find the time outs work well because they prevent things from escalating. Kids get a chance to reset. Every family has lines that are not allowed to be crossed. I remind them that DH doesn’t hit me, I don’t hit him, we don’t hit the kids and the kids are not allowed to hit each other unless defending themselves. Your brother jumps on you on the couch and you shove him off? Brother gets a time out. We also don’t allow name calling or swearing. Also depends on ages. Expectations at elementary ages are higher than preschool ages.
DLC says
How old are they?
Does they come to you when the mean words/ physical stuff happens, or are you observing the behaviour on your own?
Are you still seeing moments of love and kindness between them?
As long as I still see them having genuine moments of love and affection throughout the day, I tend to let my kids have at without interfering because I want them to figure out how to get along on their own. (My kids are 11, 6, and 4.) Also I try to remind them throughout the day of nice things their siblings do for them and how lucky they are to have the best big sister/little sister/brother in the world. If it seems like someone is going to get hurt or something is going to get broken, I will separate the kids or remove the object they are fighting over.
For when the kids come to me, I think one of the most helpful things I read in Siblings without Rivalry is to address the hurt, not the aggressor. So if child A hits child B, I ask child B, “Do you need an ice pack?” I don’t tell Child A to stop it- because Child A knows that they shouldn’t have done it and most likely just wanted attention, even the negative attention of being reprimanded.
I know my kids wish I would take sides more- but I just don’t have the energy to police them constantly and try to figure out the “right” thing to do, so I just tune them out and hope that they’ll eventually have a good relationship as adults. Kids are constantly developing and growing so I think dynamic shifts are expected even if it seems like no life changes are occurring.
OP says
i like that book a lot, just sometimes wish i didn’t have to implement the strategies what feels like every ten minutes
Anon2 says
I agree with this. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. I would rather see my kids play hard and fight hard, than to leave each other alone. Obviously I step in as needed, discipline, etc. But anecdotally I’ve seen siblings who didn’t interact much (and maybe had a “calm” home because of it) grow up to be siblings without much connection, and rough and tumble siblings (especially boys) be very close as adults. I will take the chaos if those are my choices.
Yesterday my two older boys were very much at each others’ throats, with physical blows, but at night time they unprompted apologized, explained their feelings to each other, and snuggled up together to read.
anon says
Depends on how old your kids are but for my 6 and 3 year old I exaggerate all of the good things they do with tons of praise and rewards. Lots of me encouraging the 6 year old to give the 3yo a “job” or getting their mind going in an imaginative direction. I’ll also let them use “special” toys (play dough, sensory bin, marble run) as long as they play together. I ask them what playing nicely sounds like etc… IDK how long these will last but finding the good is at the foundation and encouraging that. Also – as much as possible make sure they are fed/hydrated and take them outside whenever possible.
Of course – any non-negotiable gets an immediate removal from the situation – you can’t hit, throw or call names in our family.
AwayEmily says
Sometimes getting them out of the house helps — they are less likely to fight when we are at the grocery store or a playground or really anywhere but home. I also have had some success suggesting to the older that she might want to listen to an audiobook and color in their room — sometimes the arguments are because they need some time apart but can’t quite figure out that that’s what they need. Finding a book that they both like and just reading to them for awhile can be a good band-aid — it’s work on my end but at least I get a break from the arguing.
And just reminding yourself that it will pass. Mine (5 and 6) were in a tough phase a few months ago, but for the last month they’ve been BFFs, playing long pretend games and looking out for each other. It all comes and goes and the biggest challenge for me is remembering it’s all temporary, regulating myself however possible, and getting through the hard part without losing it on them too often.
anon says
Same. It only helps for a little while, but I’m giving my older (whose behavior is worse) more independence. Ie, younger wants to go to the park after school and older wants to go home. We make a plan in the morning that I’ll give older my keys and he can walk home while I stay with younger.
Older appreciates the independence and alone time, and tends to have better behavior for a little while after getting that.
Anonymous says
My kid is also better-behaved when given independence, responsibility, and alone time.
OP says
mine are twins, so while they love hard, they also fight HARD
anon says
Anybody else on spring break next week? As for our family, I can tell the kids desperately need a break. One of my kids, who is not prone to meltdowns, has cried nearly every day this week because of friendship issues. The other is stressed about his grades, projects, tests, and everything else going on. Here’s hoping the break is a reset. We’re not doing anything aside from hanging out at home and doing a couple of staycation activities.
Anon says
yup we are on break. but i’m the poster above whose kids have been at each other’s throats, so i’m not sure if the break is going to be a disaster or a good reset
Anon says
Yep spring break is next week for us too. We are supposed to be headed to Europe but my 5 yo was up really late last night puking. She’s much better today, so I assume should be fine to travel by Saturday but I’m worried DH or I is going to come down with it right as we’re supposed to be leaving or even worse, mid-flight. Coming down with a stomach bug in the middle of a 9 hour flight is one of the mostly ghastly things I can imagine.
Cb says
Oh fingers crossed! I had a memorable and horrific trip from SFO to Amsterdam.
Anonymous says
Sending good pule vibes! My kids each just had it but it was a 18-24 hour thing.
Cb says
My spring break (university lecturer) and my son’s don’t coincide, but I’m looking forward to my week off next week (no travel!) to catch up on research. Had grand plans of joining the old lady Nordic walkers, a lunch date with my husband, doing some tidying.
However they just announced it looks likely that primary/secondary teaching strikes will go ahead so I’ll have kiddo (and a pal) home with me for 1 or 2 days :( Fingers and toes crossed they’ll accept the pay offer tomorrow.
Anonymous says
Yep we’re on spring break too. I’m keeping the littles in day care so kinder and I can have some one on one time. I start a new job the Monday after so we all just need to chill.
anon says
We aren’t out until the first week of April :(
Cb says
We have 2 weeks for Easter. I’m covering 3 days and looking forward to it – we’ve got tickets to the science festival, going to go to the bookshop, build a den in the woods, etc.
Although kiddo asked for extra days at the sealife/beach camp.
Anon says
Sealife/beach camp sounds very cool!
Anon says
I’m jealous of everyone who has April break! Early-mid March is really not an pleasant time of year in most of North America and Europe. We go to beach resorts in the winter so I don’t like doing that over spring break, and it’s really hard to find US/European destinations where the weather is decent in March. I know it’s a first world problem, but I would seriously give my left arm for an April spring break.
Seafinch says
March Break for us but we’re having a baby so my kids will doing a whole lot of nothing! Lots of stressful end of geriatric pregnancy management and standing by for something to happen. Just got a sweep. If babe comes between now and Monday I will try to get my husband out skiing with them but might not be realistic.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
My 5 year old doesn’t like doing things independently, like brushing his teeth, putting on his clothes, etc. He can, so I don’t think it’s to the point where he needs OT. When I ask him to do it he says “I like when YOU do it!” and then there are big tears, or he’ll like make it WAY harder than it needs to be (THESE PANTS ARE TOO HARD!). Plus in the AM, we’re trying to get out the door so it’s faster for me to do it – I think this also has created the habit.
This AM I half put on his uniform, and he was able to finish. I think that’s a start. Any other tips? He’s in transitional K now and will start public Kinder in Fall, and I’d like him to take on more of the getting ready by then (with supervision), so we have time to work on this.
Cb says
I think doing half – if you get undressed, I’ll do the dressing… if you do tops, I’ll do bottom, does really help. Some things are tricky to do – if someone forgets to unbutton the uniform polo etc. We also let him take his time on the weekend, and won’t dress him if we aren’t in a hurry.
He’s much better if my husband is solo AND he knows daddy needs to catch a bus. When I’m home, he’s less helpful, to the point that I do the school run but hide upstairs until shoes are on. I think the novelty/mumma not knowing the routine creates a problem.
At Christmas, we had a Lego advent calendar and said he couldn’t open it until he was dressed and that was a glorious month.
Anon says
I agree that doing half sounds appropriate for that age. Annoying for the parent, but appropriate (and ultimately gets everyone ready faster). I still do a lot for my 5yo in the mornings and at night – they just don’t have the mental capacity at those times, I think, and still want to feel cared for.
Also, my kids’ dentist told me that a parent should be brushing until a child is able to tie their shoes as fast as an adult – until then, they don’t have the physical dexterity to properly brush. So that switched my mindset and I still brush for my 5 & 7 yo about 50-80% of the time
Anon says
there was somewhat of a discussion about this yesterday more so in the context of how long it takes to get out of the house. i have two kids in prek and one loves to do everything herself and the other does not, so i help her for now.
Pogo says
yes – I put my suggestion there. We use a token system and it is very effective.
Anonymous says
For age 4-5 where you are now seems appropriate. Putting on pants is hard at that age. I sign myself for a new activity at least once a year because I find it’s a good way to remind myself of how hard it is to learn a new thing. I have way more empathy for my kids struggling with swimming lessons after I took a few swimming lessons myself last fall.
AwayEmily says
The suggestions you got are good. If it were me (and it has been — my daughter was not consistently getting dressed independently until after she started kindergarten) I would just wait it out. He’ll get there, probably sooner than you think. Their physical abilities increase SO quickly at this point.
GCA says
Agree. By the time fall rolls around, he might be ready!
My son is on the younger end of his grade. He wasn’t dressing himself totally independently at the start of K. There was moseying. There was tying of pants drawstrings and buttoning of shirts. (He has never been the most fine-motor-oriented of kids, unless it’s Lego.) But by winter or spring – he was great.
Anonymous says
How you approach it may depend on the cause. I have a second grader who was like your child. Not delayed that needed OT, but definitely had struggled with self care. As he’s gotten older we are realizing he has a lot of anxiety and sensory issues, and reluctance to dress self is related to anxiety about how the clothes will feel or anxiety about being unable to choose the right outfit or whether he’ll be able to tie his shoes tight enough to get the exact right feeling . As an approach to anxiety we are working on not accommodating too far, but find we need to scaffolds. So at this age I might start helping him take off the first sleeve of his PJs and then hand him his shirt, or pre tighten his shoe laces so he can then tie the bow. At 5 I still needed to do almost all the dressing. (And I currently am dressing my 4.5 year old because the alternative is him running all over the house shouting potty words which I really don’t have emotional capacity to manage at 7 am.)
Anonymous says
I don’t know if this is helpful, but my oldest got two siblings and then had to start kindergarten in the same year. I really leaned into saying yes when he asked for help or asked me to do something for him, to the point where DH said I was “babying” him. And I kind of was? He is my original baby! All babies need love. You obviously have to use your best judgment, but him asking me to do things for him was really just a bid for my time/undivided attention. I tried to give that to him as much as possible. He just turned six, and is more independent now. Dresses himself, can make himself a snack, etc. He’s also a dawdler, so helping him can speed things up, though that’s not my primary reason for helping.
Anon says
DD (5, in public K) can get herself up and dressed even before I am awake if she is properly motivated (like going to a fun event or on a trip). For everyday school in the morning I have to help her put her clothes on and shepherd her through the steps. If I am running late (or, lately, on 7 or 8AM morning calls while also trying to get her out the door in the morning because my schedule matters to no one, sigh), sometimes I can motivate her that if she beats me downstairs she gets extra screen time, but mostly it’s a way of exerting control and reminiscing about being a little kid when she has to spend all day holding herself together as a big kid and an opportunity to get extra mommy time in the morning. I rationalize it as this too will pass and I won’t be dressing her for forever. I tend to hold a firmer line when it comes to evening independence with showering or bathtime and getting ready for bed, in part because DH is around and trying to supervise (I am the favored parent by a long shot unfortunately) and in part because there is less time pressure if it takes her twice as long.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
So helpful – thank you all! Glad to know that this isn’t a THING to actually fix but just some light work and encouragement.
TBQH, I’m also not the best gross/fine motor person (my shoes constantly need re-tying and I’m clumsy!) and I think both my kids are similar. I also just tend to “baby” them about these things because…well, they are my babies!
This reminded me of something. I remember distinctly that by 7th grade, I was waking up on my own, making breakfast (a Pop tart because #90s), and would be at the bus stop by 6:45 AM. When my cousins moved in with us from India – while they were miles ahead academically – my Aunt would wake them up, make their breakfast (yes, even a piece of toast!), etc. Neither approach was wrong, and we’re all adults who can get ready on our own now. :)
Anon says
Even when I was 16 and driving myself to 6 am sports practices, my mom would get up and fix me a simple breakfast so I could get a few extra minutes of sleep. It’s definitely how some people show love, and isn’t going to ruin your kids for life. I promise I’m a fully functional adult now.
Vicky Austin says
Paging Bette (I think) – you cited yesterday that a solid nursing wardrobe for postpartum was really helpful for you; do you mind sharing some pieces that have worked? I’m not looking to buy anything right this second, but would like to know what’s out there.
Anon says
Also be aware that breastfeeding might not work for you or you may end up pumping instead of breastfeeding so wait to invest! A few nursing tanks are great for either but I found myself with a bunch of unnecessary shirts and little need, unfortunately.
MNF says
I wore my nursing tanks a lot to pump – basically as a camisole under blouse. It was nice to lift up the shirt and still have my belly covered, both for comfort and warmth. I also bought a pumping bra (medela I think) that stayed at the office – I would undo the nursing tank or bra and put the pumping bra on over it. (it was like strapless/bandeau style).
Mary Moo Cow says
Not Bette, but here’s what worked well for me, with the caveat that I was in an office 5 days a week: five wrap dresses (two sleeveless and three long sleeve; two from Isabella Oliver and one from Gap). I wore a different colored cardigan or jacket over the sleeveless ones so it felt fresh. I wore them to work and on weekends. I also had a few Pleione pop over tops that I wore with nicer pants or my maternity jeans because they buttoned down so low I could use them with a pumping bra. I got cold lifting my shirt to nurse or pump so I looked for popovers and wrap dresses over button downs, but button downs are frequently recommended here. Also, check second hand shops and sites for nursing wear; I found a lot there in pretty good condition.
Vicky Austin says
Thank you! I am also in-office 5 days a week so this advice is perfect.
AIMS says
I was in the office and lived in lots of blouses when I was pumping. Nursing bra under, sometimes with a camisole. It feels very strange to be half undressed at work so the less I could actually take off the more reasonable I felt (and the easier it was, also). Definitely a hands free nursing bra that I put on for just pumping.
[email protected] says
I would focus on finding some good nursing bras (daytime and nighttime). Otherwise there’s really no special clothes needed – you can just pull up your shirt. If you really like dresses, then it may be helpful to have nursing-specific dresses, as regular dresses are usually impossible to nurse in (unless they button up the front).
DLC says
I’m one of those people who really appreciated having specific nursing clothes, especially dresses – it helped me feel like I wasn’t just “making do” when I got dressed on days when I wasn’t feeling great about how I looked. I had some things from Latched Mama that I really like – the hooded sweatshirt (Heavy Hoodie – recommended from this site!), the romper, and a dress. (The romper and dress I still wear even though I no longer nurse -they’re just so practical and simple and the nursing features are pretty discreet. They’re also designed to be flattering to my belly.) I had a Latched Mama shirt, but the material was on the thin side so I couldn’t layer a nursing tank under it, though it worked fine with a bra. I also had a sweatshirt dress with side zippers from GAP, but the zippers were in a weird spot and the pockets were useless, but I wore it for lounging around at home.
I also wore a lot of shirt dresses. (and then used the nursing bra to pumping bra hack so that I wouldn’t have to use a separate pumping bra at work. google it – it was life changing for me. )
For casual looks, I wore a lot of tie back or open back tops – mostly yoga tops – layered over a nursing tank. It was convenient for me because it was kind of like wearing a nursing cover, but then I could tie the ends together for a more fitted look when I wasn’t nursing. I found an open back sweater from Madewell that was also useful in the same way.
HSAL says
Give me your best car activities for long trips. Kids are 4 and 7. Very open to watching multiple movies, and have bought new ones for the car, but we need more. So far I have coloring (with media and on LCD tablets), stickers, probably water wow or Imagine Ink, lace up toys, wiki sticks, magnet dolls, slime (on quarter rimmed baking sheets, kids are trustworthy and I’m not worried about any mess), and obviously books.
Anon says
I bought cheap mp3 players and loaded them up with music they like (a combo of Disney soundtracks and Beatles, lol). Big hit! They loved wearing headphones and feeling in control
TheElms says
Audio books can be good for a break from screens or with another activity. Could you have a sing a long to songs from a favorite movie? What about activity books that have tracing /matching for the 4 year old and mazes for both? Can you add some small plastic animals to go with the slime (or playdoh)?
AwayEmily says
Yes to audiobooks, and I found that with younger kids (ie the 4yo) it’s better to stick to stories that they already know. If there’s a chapter book you’ve already read to them, get the audiobook version of that. They also make nice long audiobooks of disney movies (e.g. Frozen) that are basically scene by scene walk-throughs of the entire movies.
Mary Moo Cow says
Car scavenger hunt card game from Target and Guess in 10 have been really helpful for us on long car rides! Kids are 5 and 7, so 4 year old can’t read the cards, but can do well enough off the pictures. (I hate road trips, and I get really bored with the long intellectual conversations DH likes to have while the kids watch a movie, so playing the Guess in 10 with them for half an hour is actually fun for me, too.) My kids also like bringing some Barbies, ponies, or Bluey toys along and playing with them together. Those translate well to play at your destination, too.
GCA says
Audiobooks and kids’ podcasts! We like Brains On! and Million Bazillion.
Dry snacks are easier to vacuum out of car seats. My 7 and 4 are generally not (…now I’ve jinxed myself….) messy with pouches any more. Amid all this I sometimes throw them a piece of fruit.
Magnetic travel games? Logic land, bingo, a checkers set?
So Anon says
I agree with audiobooks. On a similar vein, my favorite activity from car trips when I was a kid and now that I do car trips with my kids is to tell family stories. Growing up, I heard the story of how my parents met, stories from my mom’s childhood, the story of the day I was born – that kind of thing. Now that I road trip with my kids, I will tell them similar types of stories. They never seem to tire of hearing the same stories over and over – they love hearing about their dad and me dating (even though we are divorced, I want them to know that there were good times), when I broke my arm, the day I got a kitten as a kid, and now that they are getting older, I will tell them stories about getting rejected for the varsity team in high school, learning to drive, when I left the dial-up internet (gasp!) on overnight and drove up a huge bill as a teen, all kinds of random things. It is also fun to hear the questions that they ask about the stories.
Anonymous says
Car games like spotting cars of different colours with point assigned for each. Even discussing how many points for what eats up time. We have yellow tractors and red bulldozers as the highest points.
Have a schedule with blocks of time for ipad, audiobook, non-electronics, and snack time. No iPad during first hour or for 30 minutes after any stops.
octagon says
Rubik’s cube or other manipulative-type toys are good and pair well with audiobooks. We got an astonishing amount of use out of a six-pack of “snake cube fidgets.” Boogie board tablets are great too. When I was a kid my mom had a big piece of felt with the alphabet written out and we would put stickers over the letters as we found them – it was a great long-running activity. We did not have good luck with wiki sticks in the summer FYI – the wax melts in a hot car and gets really sticky.
Anonymous says
Audio books. (My same age kids would not okay with the kind of activities you are describing at all so YMMV.) At 4 and 7 we are having a TON of success with Boxcar Children audiobooks – they are simple to follow even at 4, long, and available from the library on Libby. There are dozens of them so you can go right through the series. My Father’s Dragon books also worked at this age or the Fudge books.
Mad Libs also work really well!! With practice and hints the 4 year old can probably participate and at least would enjoy listening to them if not ready to participate. (We started by reminding ours things like “a noun is a thing” or “an adjective is what something looks like, smells like, tastes like or feels like” even if those are over simplified).
We keep a list of all the state license plates we see- could also do a map to color.
Also- Molly of Denali podcast!
DLC says
+1 for car games like eye spy and license plate/ road sign alphabet
My kids got a Speak n Spell for Christmas and it’s proven a good non-screen electronic activity for my kids.
Also – teach your kids to pump their arms at truck drivers to get them to honk. My kids love doing this.
Anon says
so last summer we went on a road trip with my newly 4 year old twins. we drove for ~4 hours, stopped for about 2 hours to have dinner with a relative and then drove another 2.5 hours and i was shocked – they didnt complain once nor did they ask for tablets. i’m not sure it has occurred to them yet that you can use a tablet anywhere other than an airplane…lol. We listened to lots of kid music, i had some new toys from the Target dollar spot to play with, lots of snacks, one fell asleep for an hour, one kiddo really likes pretend play with little figurines so i got a new set of those. My kids are also oddly obsessed with bandaids and spent a good 45 minutes treating their stuffies “injuries” with bandaids. What about coloring on actual paper as opposed to just with media/LCD tablets?
AIMS says
My kids (same age) love animal podcasts. There are some geared for kids from NH Public Radio (or is it VT?), but they also like the animal episodes of Stuff You Should Know.
Paging IVF Anon says
Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you going into your transfer ♥
Anon says
How do people feel about infant classrooms where shoes are worn by teachers? Kid1 went to an in home daycare where shoes were not worn inside the home. We moved and now at the new daycare the infant classroom teachers wear shoes in the room (kid1 is a toddler). We want to send kid2 to the same daycare but the shoes give me pause.
We don’t wear shoes in our home for sanitary reasons and don’t love the idea of a crawling baby crawling all over a carpet that people walk with their shoes on. However, we don’t have many options in terms of infant care (either the daycares don’t have infant care or also wear shoes).
What do other people think?
Anon says
Are you sure they’re wearing “outside” shoes? Our dare staff wear “inside” shoes.
anonM says
+1. I wouldn’t want to be in socks all day with the amount of walking/lifting daycare teachers do, especially as the kids get bigger.
Anonymous says
I have never heard of a daycare where the teachers don’t wear shoes. We used a total of 3 daycares for babies and the teachers wore shoes in all of them. I really would just not sorry about it. But I also allowed my babies to crawl outside, on sidewalk, etc so maybe I’m the outlier.
Anonymous says
I would ask the director and see what kind of response you get. Inside shoes or shoe coverings are pretty standard. I’ve seen both.
AIMS says
+1 – we actually got a preschool to change their shoe policy during Covid because we asked. You never know!
Anonymous says
It never occurred to me to care about this
FVNC says
+1.
Although now that I think about it, of the six centers my kids have attended over the years, one did require shoe coverings for parents and teachers. However – parents just grabbed a pair from a giant box, and it was never clear which side was supposed to be outside versus inside, so I’m sure those covers were no better than shoes.
ElisaR says
never occurred to me either.
Liza says
+100
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 to this. This happens to me often on this board, and just goes to show me that it takes all kinds!
Anon says
I don’t love that either. But I live in San Francisco where the streets are…gnarly, to say the least.
anon says
I’d feel fine about it. Germs and dirt are good things for young children.
Anon says
For me it’s not about germs/dirt (I’m outdoorsy and love to camp/backpack/etc.), but I don’t like pesticides and industrial chemicals from paved roads getting tracked in where infants play. My industry has an environmental health component and some of the findings are pretty disturbing. OP, I think it’s definitely worth asking about.
OPS says
Yep! This is my main problem. I probably should have included in my post that “sanitary reasons” included pollutants and other toxic chemicals that shoes carry.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts!
Anon says
We’re a no shoes family and wearing shoes inside really grosses me out, but our wonderful daycare didn’t have the teacher remove shoes (or change shoes) and we got over it. I’m glad we did. There are so many more important factors in choosing a daycare.
Anonymous says
I think you sound insane is what I think!
Nope says
No way, why should a baby lay or crawl on the same floor where your shoes just walked — the same shoes you wear at the gas station, in public restrooms, and on salted sidewalks. Gross gross gross.
Anon says
Agreed. Whether this is on your own personal radar or not, it’s the farthest thing ever from “insane.” Many cultures have no-shoes rules.
Missing everything says
The last few weeks my toddler has mastered a lot of new skills. I love watching him grow and be more confident about things. However, the most of these milestones have happened while he’s with the nanny. She is very excited about his progress and sends pictures and videos of him trying new things. I love how proud she is of him in the videos. But I also feel like I’m missing out on all of it. I don’t want to quit my job and I like our nanny, I just wish I was there for some of the little triumphs. Not sure what the point of this post is, this is all just been making me a little sad lately. Commiseration maybe? Just when you feel on top of things with a kid something comes along and just wallops you in some way.
AIMS says
I think this is very normal. What helps me is to ask myself if I would rather this wasn’t happening? And the answer is almost always no – i want my kids to be developing and I want them to be surrounded by people invested and excited about their success and I want to work and have a career.
Also, if it’s any consolation, looking back a few years away from this – it’s all a big blur of who was there for what. I know that doesn’t make it easier in the moment but the stuff that really matters in life you will be there for.
Carla says
Some nannies will intentionally not send videos of things like this so that when the parents sees it happen that’s the “first” time – you could ask her to do this?
MNF says
I think it’s totally valid to tell your nanny to stop sending these things. There’s no guarantee she’s actually there for the “first” whatever either — maybe the kid pulled himself up and stood in the crib by himself and no one saw it. It’s fine to have a rule that firsts only happen with you! Alternatively, would it be better if she saved these videos in a dropbox that you can check later? That way it won’t catch you during a tough moment at work?
Anonymous says
It’s great that your nanny is so invested in your con’s development–and I mean that sincerely, she really cares! that is wonderful!–but I can see why that is hard and I almost wonder if you should ask her to keep a little more to herself. I’m pretty sure my son’s daycare didn’t tell us when he started crawling or walking so we could think it happened for the first time when we were there to see it. He’s 10 now and I still 100% empathize with “Jjust when you feel on top of things with a kid something comes along and just wallops you in some way.” It’s such a constant learning curve. I do feel like the rate of change slows down a bit as they get older, at least maybe until puberty. But what works is ever changing.
Anon says
Nanny employer here with two little kids. For milestones that were really important to me (first steps, for example), I asked our nanny in advance not to tell me if it happened while I was at work. Then I got to see their “first steps” (for real or just first for me, I’ll never know) and have that magical milestone experience with them. Maybe I missed the real first steps but it made it easier for me to deal with.
I made it clear to her that I love videos/pictures/updates otherwise, so I still get plenty of updates. It’s also a little easier now that my kids are a bit older and my oldest is in school, so I miss lots of firsts simply because she’s out of the house more. She successfully did the monkey bars for the first time this week at school and I missed it since I’m not at school with her (working mom or not).
Anon says
Yes, I told our daycare I didn’t want to know if my son took his first steps there. To this day I believe I was there for his first steps, but who actually knows (except the teachers, haha)
Anon says
i totally thought that this would be something that bothered me, but didn’t end up bothering me as much as i thought it would. it was still special for me the first time i saw it. i was actually out of town when our first twin took her first steps, and i felt a twinge of sadness but was also visiting my college besties so maybe that helped.
Anon says
Same.
Anonymous says
If it makes you feel any better, I think the idea of “milestones” is a little silly. Everything is a process–you probably saw your kid cruising around the furniture and getting better at that, who cares if you’re actually there for a step without hands on the sofa? Etc etc. Same with talking–half the time it’s hard to know if a kid actually means “dada” when they say it for the first time. So while I totally understand the emotion of this, I wouldn’t dwell on it. What I love personally is seeing the process unfold, not some kind of singular moment.
OP says
I think that’s my problem, I saw what I think were his first steps, but she’s been practicing with him everyday and now he’s up to like 6 steps and I missed it all. I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’s a little hard for me right now.
Anonymous says
FWIW, our oldest was in daycare 7-6 as an infant and those wonderful people never let on if my kid hit a milestone while there. We always saw it for the first time at home. In hind sight she likely took her first steps there but as far as I’m concerned NOPE it happened on a Saturday morning.
Once we had more kids I realized that they were just kind enough not to tell us.
Liza says
I can’t imagine daycare providers with 10+ kids in a room notice or care about the milestones of each individual kid, whereas a nanny forms much more of an attachment and of course pays a lot more attention. If the milestones thing is really bothering you, have you considered switching to using daycare? I feel like that would have a lot less of the vibe of, oh this other mom-figure is coopting/stealing/soliciting these special moments with my child, versus, this group of ladies is keeping my child and a dozen others alive for 9 hours a day.
Anonymous says
This is weirdly judgy of day care of course they notice and care
Anonymous says
+1 – it felt somehow critical of both mothers who chose daycare and those who chose nannies, which is kind of a feat
Anon says
I didn’t read it as judgy. We used and loved daycare but I think it’s true they can’t pay as much attention to a kid as nanny can… that’s just math.