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Cb says
Crickets today… any funny kid stories?
Anonymous says
I got a balloon in the mail from our mortgage broker for my birthday and blew it up for the kids. They had about ten minutes of joy playing keepy uppy and then the balloon popped and it was like a greek tragedy where they went through the stages of grief. It somehow ended up being my fault? Or at least that’s how they rationalized the pain in their heads lol.
anon says
My kid wanted to have blue cheese on leftover baguette for a snack and our nanny wouldn’t let her eat it because the cheese was moldy. She was so frustrated and kept telling her “it’s supposed to be moldy!”
anonamama says
we just bought a minivan (Toyota Sienna) to replace my 10 year old CR-V. As we were talking to the sales rep, our 4yo was playing in the back third row and asked me to take a seat in the captains chairs. he said, welcome to your flight, would you like a snack? and went to the third row to retrieve my order, using the aisle like he was a flight attendant. just a little reminder of how the average things can be so magical for littles :)
Vicky Austin says
This is SO sweet.
Clementine says
My Covid baby (who is somehow almost 4) is now enforcing a policy where you raise your hand at the dinner table to be called on. Like, at first I wanted to stop it but now it’s oddly calming to have her ensuring nobody talks over each other??
Also, good practice for my kid who is constantly answering as he raises his hand.
Anonymous says
My 4.5 year old does this too! We even get corrected if we don’t have our hand straight up in the air.
SC says
One day last week, DS (8 yo) was mad at DH because he was feeling rushed on the way to school. He refused to put on his jacket, but once he walked outside to get in the car, he yelled at DH, “It’s freezing out here, and it’s YOUR FAULT!” DH, quite reasonably asked, “How is it my fault?” And without missing a beat, DS yelled, “Because of your ICE COLD HEART!”
Later that night, DS asked if he was in trouble. We said no. He asked if he would have been in trouble if it wasn’t funny. Maybe he should have been? But I found that question amusing too.
We also found out last week that DS wasn’t turning in his homework, and he said it was because he didn’t have time or felt too rushed in the classroom in the mornings. So, we’ve gone back to our evening routine of getting things organized for school in the evening (we’d let that slip after the winter break), and we’re all waking up 15 minutes earlier in the morning, and they’re leaving for school earlier. Our mornings have been much calmer.
Cb says
Oh my goodness, your ice cold heart!
Anon says
Best thing I’ve read all week. ICE COLD HEART. My 8 year old would nod in agreement.
Anon says
My 3 year old pronounces Yak, “yuck” and I’m never correcting her.
Miz Swizz says
My kid wants to play ghost by putting a Pull-up on his head like a mask. He always hands me one too and we put on our ghost masks and go scare dad.
Anonymous says
We have taper LED candles. My 5yo gives us both candles and turns off the lights so we can walk around in the dark playing Hansel and Gretel.
Anonymous says
5 year old has learned about malaria but maybe is fuzzy on the details. Was concerned that the dog should not have chocolate because chocolate would give her malaria.
Momofthree says
My kid tried to convince me there were 10 types of elephants. I asked him to name them- he came up with Asian, African, Amber, Russian, Siberian, Chinese, Mongolian, Israel-ian, Turkey-ian, New Zealand-an. I then asked him if he could repeat the list- and he could!
I was pretty impressed that he kept trying after I called his bluff.
Anonymous says
Anyone who has talked to me in the last week knows that recently, when I was trying to get my precocious 3yo DD on my “let’s get ready for school/work” team with rational explanations, she ran to the corner of her bed and yelled, “Don’t bother me with the details!” I have no idea where she got this, because I love details :)
Anonymous says
This is hilarious. Did she also tell you to put a pin in it so you could circle back later?
Anonymous says
My 3 yo told me last night that she’s very busy and has a lot on her plate right now.
Travel inspiration says
Taking a 9, 8, 5 and 2 year old to London this summer. It will be during the Paris olympics so can’t tack on Paris – what’s another city you’d add on to that trip for a couple days? Help!
Anon says
Edinburgh
Anon says
Tangent, are they all your kids? I’m pregnant with my fourth now and dream of being able to take trips with them in a few years, but logistically (and financially) it seems daunting. This gives me hope! My husband and I love(d) to travel but haven’t been anywhere since before our first.
OP says
They are, but full disclosure, it’s our first time taking them to Europe!
Anon says
Have so much fun! We got our oldest two passports in the fall of 2019 hoping to go to Paris the following spring…whomp whomp. And now they have to be renewed.
Anon says
I’m one of 4 and my parents traveled with us a ton, starting when the youngest was a baby! I’m sure it was very different from their prekid travels, but we went to Europe, South America, Asia, Australia, and Africa and they lived to tell the tale!
I only have 2 kids, but we also took them each on an international trip for the first time at <1 and the first time is the most daunting, but then you figure out what works and it's not nearly so scary.
Anon says
Ohhh! I have 4, bc my third pregnancy was twins, and we’ve traveled extensively and aggressively with all of them! My biggest advice is to JUST DO IT!! The year that my twins were born, my husband and I started a fully remote company, and we embarked on a massive 6 week road trip because we were self employed and remote. This insane trip gave me the confidence to travel with all of them, and we’ve never looked back. The hardest years were when the twins were 2, 3, and 4 (we were just so LOUD and all over the place), so I’m glad we started before they were mobile and pushed through some hard toddler heavy years. The kids now all roll with travel, and honestly really do a great job of helping each other out. I also used to think it would have been SO much easier if my 4th was a singleton — just fewer toddler shenanigans, plus you’d always have a big kid ready to pitch in.
Anon says
That’s very encouraging! My kids can be a huge handful at home, but when we are off on adventures we have a great time. They’ve been smallish so far — day trips to NYC, a weekend at Legoland — but my kids have enjoyed them. We’ve had not one meltdown, kids walk 5+ miles a day without complaint, etc. We also regularly do museums, aquariums and zoos and have a GREAT time together. So I’m hopeful that a bigger trip would be fun, too. Baby comes this summer and other kids will be 9, 6 and 3…so hopefully we can get out there before long
Anonymous says
Edinburgh or Dublin.
Cb says
York isn’t too far from London and is really cute, nice quirky museums. Edinburgh will be too hectic as it’s the run up to the Festival.
DLC says
We went to York with our two year old ten years ago and loved it. The train museum was wonderful!
anon says
We had a great time visiting the white cliffs in southern England. We stayed at a BnB where our kids fed local animals, played in the gardens and splashed in the ocean at the cliffs. It was a really nice change of pace from London.
We also did a little tour and drove through Brighton, stopped in Bath, toured the Cotswolds, and saw Stonehenge. It was nice to visit the English countryside, which I hadn’t done before.
Lily says
I wouldn’t add on anything unless you’re going for like 10 days or more. Honestly the hardest part of traveling with young kids is the transitions/travel days. We did Dublin and Edinburgh (7 nights total) with our 4 and 2 year olds last June and I wish we’d stuck with one city. And there’s so much to do in London it’s not like you’ll be bored.
NYCer says
+1. If anything, I would do something like a few days in the Cotswolds.
Anonymous says
Do the countryside, not another city. You haven’t really been to the UK unless you’ve gone on a country walk near a castle followed by a pub lunch. For the older kids, I would pick somewhere with an interesting castle and for the younger kids somewhere that has a farm park. Try the Cotswolds or Devon. For seaside plus history and hip restaurants there’s Brighton. Don’t go way up to Scotland unless you have more time.
Anonymous says
Nice thing about the countryside is that you can stay somewhere super fancy with a spa in stately home or you can stay in an Airbnb-style cottage on a working farm and either way you have a lovely time
Anonymous says
I like the countryside idea. England is really pretty in the summer! places I’ve been and enjoyed: Cambridge, which is an easy train ride from London. Newmarket if there is a horse race there at the time (it is otherwise a very boring town. I lived there for 2 years). Cornwall, it has a beach! albeit a cold one. Dover is interesting if you’re into history.
Warwick is a good castle for kids…kind of amusement park-y, but has a trebuchet demonstration and peacocks! Check out the historical society for castle ruins and nearby hikes if you want one that’s less commercialized.
I agree not to add Scotland unless you have lots of time. The flight is short, but you still have all that extra airport time, it’s not like hopping to Paris on the Eurostar.
Anon says
Go to oxford and enjoy seeing the buildings from harry potter!
Mocha Frappuccino says
I got a Baby Bjorn bouncer secondhand from someone in my neighborhood and it’s stained (milk/spit up type). Any miracle stain remover suggestions? Just good ole Dawn and sunshine? Thanks!
octagon says
I cleaned mine before passing it to a friend and gave it a LONG soak in oxyclean + hot water. Seriously I left it in there for like 3 days, then put it in the sunshine to dry. Repeated once more and the stains weren’t completely gone, but gone enough that I felt okay to pass it on. It really is a miracle product, enjoy it!
OOO says
Try Dreft
Anonymous says
So… do try to get the stains out, but this is informally known as the “pooping” chair. I keep a dark colored kitchen towel clipped to the chair at all times. It was blow out city for months, so don’t be too concerned about it being perfect.
Anon says
What? Why is your kid having so many blow outs? That’s not normal. Are you in the wrong size diaper?
Anon says
Bath + day trip to Stonehenge
York
Anon says
apologies in advance for the novel. looking for advice on how to potentially handle this situation better/more expediently if possible. i have 5.5 year old twins who share a bedroom. twin A came home from school yesterday saying she is supposed to bring a stuffed animal to school on friday for reading time. twin B was VERY jealous (even though her class has show and tell once a month and win A does not, but she LOVES stuffed animals, hence the jealousy). i could tell by the end of dinner that Twin B was dysregulated, which is a common occurrence, particularly in the evening, so I took Twin B upstairs to start getting ready for bed to kind of separate her from Twin A. She kept saying she was going to steal Twin A’s stuffie (the one she wanted to take to school on Friday), and did take it once, but I put it back on Twin A’s bed while Twin B was brushing her teeth. I then took Twin B to our upstairs playroom which has a door and told her that it was my job to keep her safe and that I couldn’t let her steal Twin A’s stuffed animal, and so we could hang in there until she was ready/calmer. Twin A is getting over an illness and fortunately was exhausted, so DH was able to get her to bed without Twin B in the room (usually they each like the other one to be there), and finally an hour and a half later, Twin B was finally ready to go to bed. In that hour and a half we talked about how it seemed like she was feeling jealous, etc. and what to do with those feelings (also to me seems like she should be mad at Twin A’s teacher rather than Twin A, but that is not how the mind of a 5 year old works)….but i don’t always have an hour and a half/i do a lot of solo parenting so i can’t always separate them like this. any other ideas on how to manage these kind of situations? and more generally how to help a kiddo who frequently gets jealous of others?
Anonymous says
Separate bedrooms so Twin B can have her own space to feel her feelings and calm down.
OP says
when upset, our kids do not like to be alone to feel their feelings, so not sure that would help
Anonymous says
But you are the adult. It is not all about their preferences. “Twin B, you cannot steal her stuffie. You need to go to your room if you don’t think you can respect that.”
OP says
i understand that, but my child will continuously come out of the room, so i guess i just keep putting her back in? lock the door on her?
Anonymous says
Agreed. If there’s another space with a door great. You’ve got another bedroom.
Anonymous says
I’m not answering your actual question, but having been in a very similar situation, the right call in our house is to take the thing there are Bug Five Year Old Feelings about and move it. Like, to a backpack for tomorrow, downstairs.
What you did was awesome, but like you said, it’s not always that you have the time to isolate the dyaregulated kid. I also find complete distraction helps. Rather than dwell on fairness and stuffies, let’s look at the school lunch menu for tomorrow! Let’s look at photos on my phone! Hey let’s make pancakes for tomorrow morning right now and you can have one before bed!
They are only 5; I think there’s only so much maturity you can expect at this age.
OP says
yes i tried distraction…this is a kid who is really really hard to distract. like it’s almost easier to let her have her breakdown so we can then move on. it’s like she finds the meltdown/crying cathartic that sometimes i almost wish i could speed up to that part, instead of spending an hour plus waiting for it to come
Anon says
Then let her have the breakdown? What’s so bad about that, especially if you’re at home. I think you’re giving these feelings too much oxygen.
Anonymous says
Agreed. If she steals the stuffy won’t twin a just hit her and take it back? And then she’ll learn.
Anonymous says
This. Some kids don’t do well with endless discussion of feelings. It honestly sounds like all the attention is just whipping her into more of a frenzy. Put the stuffie out of sight, acknowledge the feeling once, and then move on. I do a lot of “yes, and.” Yes, you are angry because you don’t get to take a stuffie for reading day. And now it is time for a bubble bath.
Anonymous says
Agreed, let her have the breakdown and move past it. You know how discussing something annoying with your partner or friends just keeps raking the issues over the coals. It sounds the same here. Let her move it along and have the breakdown. Then you could have used the time for a story or playing afterwards.
Anon says
And it’s not a negative that you won’t be able to do this every time. Recognizing our kid’s emotions and talking through coping strategies is great, and that 1:1 time was probably so helpful for her. But if we do that for every situation, we risk magnifying the emotions and giving them more airtime than they deserve. Sometimes the lesson is more along the lines of “I see that you’re sad, now buck up and move on.” Kid may cry throughout the bedtime routine, but you push through (and sometimes that will mean letting her be alone while you tend to the other kid(s). It is okay.)
OP says
i’m fine with letting her be alone! she just keeps running back in
Anonymous says
My twin girls split up into separate bedroom at 7. Jealousy is still a huge problem. I try to give them equitable 1:1 time as much as possible. Sometimes I set a timer – you each get 15 minutes with me at bedtime for stories, talking, back rubs.
Did Twin A get extra cuddles/time with you when she was sick? That may have compounded the stuffie issue.
Anonymous says
“No. You can’t steal her stuffie. Bed time.” What is the 1.4 hours even doing? You do not need to allow a 5 year olds feelings to run your life.
Anon says
Agreed. I don’t have twins but this seems like a disproportionate reaction to very normal 5 year old behavior. In our house it would be “no, you can’t steal your sister’s stuffed animal. [change subject].” I wouldn’t be surprised if some of this is attention-seeking because she knows it will get her 1.5 hours of one on one time with her mom.
OP says
she would literally keep trying to take her sister’s stuffie. like continuously get out of bed for one hour+ and then neither child would be asleep. i guess your children are better than mine and just go to sleep instantaneously when told
Anonymous says
That’s why they need separate bedrooms.
Anonymous says
That’s why we are suggesting separate bedrooms.
Anon says
i have a kid like OP and she won’t just stay in her separate bedroom. she continuously tries to go into the other siblings room, so not sure that would solve the problem. it would just alter the problem
Anon says
I have kids like that too, and if they continue to go into sibling’s room they get locked in their own. Not for long and definitely not overnight, but that is enforcing a boundary. If you want to talk about fairness, it’s not fair to let one kid disrupt the other and dictate the routine
Anon says
I have a kid with a personality than sounds similar. It’s not good “gentle parenting” but the most effective thing for us has been telling her if the behavior doesn’t stop she’ll lose privileges she cares about like screen time or allowance. It shuts it down very quickly and these days we don’t even have to threaten those kind of consequences anymore because she knows it’s on the table.
Anonymous says
If putting the stuffy out of reach is not possible (does the other twin need it to sleep?), I would just tell the child if she steals it again she will have a consequence and follow through. Punishment isn’t the worst thing in the world. Ideally you do logical consequences – e.g. if I keep having to get the stuffy we won’t have time for stories — but you can pick something else if there is nothing logical that will work.
Anon says
+1. The stuffy needs to be out of reach and out of sight.
Anon says
I think I’ve mentioned it before, but this is the sort of situation where we put Twin A to bed (temporarily) in a different room and put Twin B in their shared room where she can rage to her heart’s content. Eventually she’ll be ready for a hug and to get tucked into bed, but in the meantime A can go sleep somewhere quiet.
Anon says
I’m the mom of 4, including twins, and just want to jump in that twins are a totally different breed of sibling Feelings to manage. It’s really hard, and having two kids at the same developmental stage is tricky.
I have also learned the hard way that one of my kids can’t manage prolonged discussions of a tantrum….it just keeps going. I also find that punishing this behavior once the kid is fully dysregulated also leads to endless sadness/fighting, so you have to change the power dynamics and lean so hard into empathy. Based on the personalities of the kids in question here, I’d potentially ask the show and tell Twin if the stuffed animal could do a sleepover with the non-show and tell kid. I have a kid who is seriously emphatic, and would have their heartstrings tugged by a sad sibling who doesn’t get to take a stuffed animal to school, so would gladly part with the stuffed animal for a night before show and tell.
I also have a kid who would not be moved at all by their sibling’s sadness, and if that kid is the owner of the stuffed animal, I’d try to find another highly valued item to give to the sad twin. In this case, maybe the sad twin gets to wear one of my “special” tshirts to bed or to school? If the owner of the stuffed animal then got jealous about the tshirt, I’d honestly also offer that kid a “special tshirt” too (these are just old shirts that you get for free for running a 5K or whatever), which usually jogs more empathy and the twin might let the stuffed animal go for a night.
My source for the empathy is that my kids really typically don’t fight when I respond to these kind of situations with empathy and boundaries (so, in your case, yes, I would also feel sad if I didn’t get to take a stuffed animal to school; no you cannot steal your siblings’ stuff, but what about if we do X special thing instead; yes, all siblings can participate in X special thing, which generally encourages them to be more generous among each other with their own things — avoid a scarcity mindset between siblings at all costs), but I also find I have to help the twins regulate these interactions more than I ever did with my singletons. My singletons would have managed the empathy and this exchange on their own at 5 and 7, my 5 yr old twins aren’t there yet without my help.
Anon says
Sometimes out of sight out of mind helps. Could Twin A have packes the stuffie in her backpack so it isn’t forgotten the next day? That would move it out of range of Twin B and help them stop fixating.
I’d also talk to Twin B about their plans for their next show and tell day to get excited about what they plan to bring. Maybe they could plan ahead? Or plan a stuffie to ride to and from school with them tomorrow? Try to redirect to what they’d like to bring, rather on their sibling.
OP says
bringing the stuffie will not be until Friday, Twin A will want to sleep with this stuffie until then, so putting it in backpack right away woudl not help, but i appreciate the suggestion. i do like the idea of redirecting to what will you bring for your next show and tell. i will try that next time, thanks!
Twins says
no magic ideas but I have twins (who continue to share a room at age 9 – given house setup and au pair, separate rooms are not currently an option and they say they want to share). they have Kura beds so I’ve created space underneath where they can have some more private space of their own.
but also my daughter is always jealous that my son has less homework (diff teachers) and it frequently spirals into meltdowns. it’s gotten a bit better as I try to spend more intentional time with her – she is overwhelmed by these feelings and also alone time is not the answer for her. for our case, we have created a homework hour block so he can’t speed into video games within that hour – it also makes sure he doesn’t have an incentive to rush through his work.
in your case, maybe invite your other daughter to bring a stuffed animal in her backpack or talk up something her class will do.
Anon says
This isn’t terribly helpful in the moment, but we try to find calm times to talk about how each twin gets different things and sometimes it feels really unfair if you’re not the one who’s getting *insert preferred thing here*. It’s a fact of life that things aren’t always exactly fair/even between siblings, but I think for twins it’s trickier to understand because for much of their life they did get the exact same things. I know for mine, Kindergarten was the first time they had different homework, different party invites, different school treats (Twin B came home with goody bags more weeks than not in K; Twin A got them only when a classmate brought them into school for a birthday), et. and it’s a big shift from the younger ages. At 6, mine handle this a lot better than at 5, because they’ve had enough time to start realizing that we’re right that things even out in the big picture.
Anonymous says
I think 5 is old enough to work on coping strategies when a kid has bad feelings. It’s worth a follow up convo with Twin B, where you reiterate that it’s ok to feel upset sometimes, and what are some things you, Twin B, can do to make yourself feel better when upset? Talk through the options and make a list of things she can do to feel better next time she’s upset. You were right to address the big feelings in the moment and talk it out, but part of your job as parent is to help them learn to deal with these feelings on their own. Which will be a slow slow process.
Anonymous says
How do y’all maintain friendships in the little kid stage?? A dear friend that I haven’t seen in a while just invited me to a yoga retreat, and my first thought was LOL no. I just feel like I don’t have time for anything other than work + kids + maintaining my marriage right now. Oh and chores, keeping up maintenance on our house, trying to buy a new car, making sure my elderly parents are doing OK, squeezing in some time for exercise… it feels like friendships sank to the bottom of my list in the last couple of years.
anon says
It’s fine if you can’t go on a yoga retreat. Do what you can. Small gestures count!
Can you have a phone date while you fold laundry? Can you go for walks or a yoga class together (get exercise + social time in one)? Make sure you initiate some signs of friendship, even if it’s just a text, from time to time.
NYCer says
+1. I would say no without any qualms to going to a yoga retreat, but I have managed to maintain many friendships through the little kid stage by saying yes to doing “easier” things….plan a time to talk on the phone, meet for a coffee, go out to dinner, go for a walk or to an exercise class, etc.
Anon says
I am your friend who invited you to the yoga retreat. It seems like you are burned out and could really use a trip like this. I keep reaching out to you but you keep thinking of every excuse not to spend time with me. I seem to be at the bottom of your list of priorities, below chores and home maintenance. We were once dear friends, but eventually I will stop reaching out and we will lose touch.
Anon says
This said it better than I could. Chores will always be there. Friends might not be if you don’t invest the time. You can do a weekend yoga retreat and come back and do chores and research cars during the week. It was a gamechanger in my life when I realized that I was going to be really unhappy if I kept saying no to invites and fun plans because of routine tasks that I could have chosen to do at other times.
Anon says
And to add to this, this is all during a really tough period – a significant elder care situation, a family health crisis, a personal health crisis, and a lot of other stressors slamming me all at once. That time with friends became a higher priority, not a lower one.
Anonymous says
A weekend yoga retreat is a LOT to ask in terms of time and money. I’m not rich with a maid service and unlimited vacation funds like many here seem to be, though.
Anon says
+1. And maybe I’m lucky, but my friends who are fellow parents of small kids understand the lack of availability (or energy/desire, honestly) to get together. For everything there is a season, and this is not a season of gatherings with friends for me. For out of town friends we talk on the phone a few times a year and text with other news/random times we’re thinking of each other. We’ll try to have our families visit with each other once a year. Even closer friends I don’t see very often these days. If someone is going to drop me for that, so be it.
Anon says
Yeah. I do spend a lot on travel and would jump at the opportunity to join a yoga retreat, but it’s a big commitment in terms of both time and money, and I don’t think it’s fair to say someone isn’t committed to their friendships because they can’t commit to this huge thing. It’s one thing if you’re turning down your friends every time they ask if you want to get a cup of coffee. That shows lack of prioritizing the friendship. But I have very good friends I’ve never traveled with because (even before kids) they didn’t want to spend limited PTO and money on travel with friends. It’s a choice they’re allowed to make and doesn’t make someone a bad friend if they’re showing up in other ways.
Anonymous says
Sure but again you don’t have to say yes to a weekend long retreat. Just find a way to say yes to something.
Anon says
Grab a glass of wine or brunch instead. Those catch-ups can mean a lot and will be less time, energy, and cost, which I totally get. I just had a beer with a friend at a low-key brewery last night (1.5 hours total, not too bad). I wanted to say no, but I went and had an amazing time.
Anonymous says
Apparently that’s not enough for some friends, though. See below.
Anon says
Some people are super sensitive on this board. You have to be flexible in life to maintain friendships. Not everything will go according to one person’s plan and that’s ok.
Anon says
That works as long as you’re not always saying no to the other person’s suggestions or always downgrading the plans. It depends on what the overall pattern of the friendship is.
Anonymous says
Yup! Also you do not have to go on a yoga retreat. But is there not an option to reply “ohh looks lovely but I can’t make the timing work. Could we do a class + brunch next weekend?”
If you want friends you do have to try a bit!
Anon says
YMMV, but it bothers me if I propose something cool/fun I know a friend would love and she always comes back with no + proposal for something lesser. A coffee and routine yoga class just isn’t special in the same way. It’s one thing if a given yoga retreat won’t work, but are you saying no to EVERY invite from her?
Anonymous says
If she says no to a weekend yoga retreat in any way other than “that weekend won’t work for me but these three other weekends will,” you need to scale back and stop inviting her on weekend trips because they don’t fit her life right now.
Anon says
But…. some people don’t want to go on weekend yoga retreats? I think it’s weird to drop a friend just because they can’t do a full weekend away.
Anon says
The OP didn’t say she doesn’t want to do a yoga retreat, though. She cited housework and car searching and family stuff and is saying she is not connecting with friends. If you want to connect with friends, say yes when they invite you to do cool things.
Anon says
I could not be your friend, lol. People have a lot to manage in life. You have to be understanding, not demanding, with friends.
Anon says
Sure, you should be understanding, but if OP is concerned about losing friendships, then the answer isn’t saying no to stay home and sweep the floor. This is advice for the question she posted, not all friendships ever.
Anonymous says
You could say the yoga retreat sounds great, but how about we start with a yoga class and coffee afterwards this Saturday/Sunday (or the next weekend). Offer a concrete meet up time for something smaller. You can fit it in and your partner can deal without you for 2.5 hours.
DLC says
If i can’t take a friend up on an invite, I try to immediately schedule another date. The way I think of it, I’ll always find some chore to fill the time, so I have to be super intentional if I want to do something that nurtures friendships.
FVNC says
How old are your kids and how long is the retreat? A long weekend away from toddlers or preschoolers is different from a week away from a newborn, for example. The former seems doable…*if* you want to make it happen (if it just sounds not fun at all, then disregard!). If you can afford it and have a partner available to watch the kid(s) — honestly this sounds like a great way to reconnect and recommit to the friendship.
I have a group of college friends who now live all over the country and are in different personal situations (some single, some SAHMs, some working moms, one mom of teenager, one mom of newborn) but we try hard to see each other once per year. Yes, it means I usually take a day or two off work, pay for a plane ticket, and my husband solo parents the kids…but these are now 24 (!!) year old friendships that I want to maintain. Even if we go six months without anything of substance on our group text thread, those weekends together have really helped sustain our friendships. If you *want* to make it work, don’t dismiss it so quickly. Think about whether the obstacles are true blockers or if it’s just easier to stay in the routine at home (note: I am often guilty of the latter because it’s so much effort to do things with littles…but I usually never regret doing “the thing” if I force myself to).
Anon says
Absolutely to your last line – sometimes we get stuck in what’s easier even though it’s not what we want or know would be good for us or know would be doable.
Anon says
I’d try to go! I wish a dear friend would invite me on a yoga retreat! if I could swing it financially.
Anonymous says
I don’t think a weekend away will woefully impact your marriage, your kids, or your household chores (with a bit of planning). What it will do is fill your cup AND give you some exercise (which you also mentioned). I couldn’t do weekends away during breastfeeding but after that I accept invitations when I can! Friends and I usually limit it to one night, but it’s still very restorative. Really – your spouse can do Friday pizza/movie, so it’s just Saturday-Sunday afternoon. It’s not that big of a deal. FWIW my DH is away one weekend a month and always has been, it’s just made me better at solo parenting. And shocker, he usually does a happy hour until 8pm once a week because I know that he wants the social time. The rest of the evenings and weekends we can prioritize family time with quality activities like board games, card games, hiking, and church.
Anon says
+1. This is totally doable. You can do it, OP! You’re being given the chance for very high-quality friend time that you don’t have to plan yourself.
Anonymous says
The expectations of adult friendships these days seem much higher than they were for our parents’ generation. When I was a kid, I never heard of anyone’s parent going on a trip without their spouse. Adult friends had dinner parties or went to lunch or took the kids to the pool together. They talked on the phone very occasionally; now some people text their friends daily. Now you are expected to travel to out-of-town bridal showers and baby showers and bach weekends and now apparently yoga retreats. It all seems so exhausting and expensive.
Anon says
I think some of it is that people just travel so much more in general these days. I’m only in my late 30s but in my childhood plane travel was a pretty rare occurrence for people who weren’t super rich. I had high school classmates who still hadn’t been on an airplane at graduation. These days it seems like many middle class families fly at least once a year or so.
Anon says
i just got back from a girls weekend (less than 48 hours) with my college besties and it was the best. we try to do it once a year. a yoga treat sounds like torture to me, so i would not want to do that at all. maintaining friendships requires work. if it is something important to you then id encourage you to try prioritizing it.
AwayEmily says
Gonna set aside all the yoga retreat stuff and try to answer the basic question: “How do y’all maintain friendships in the little kid stage?” Here are some strategies that have worked for me:
– 3 of my really close friends and I get together for a weekend every other year, without kids. We’re all on the east coast so this is not hugely expensive, travel-wise. We usually do Philly/Boston/NYC.
– One friend and I *try* call each other on the way to work pretty much every day, but we only actually connect once a week (just because our exact commute times vary a lot). It’s so lovely when we do connect, even if it’s only for 15 minutes.
– One of my nearby friends with similarly-aged kids and I meet up at the public library most Saturday mornings while our husbands go to the grocery store. It is a very nice tradition.
– We don’t travel very much, but my husband and I both try to take 1 trip per year with just one kid (we have three), and those trips are usually to visit a friend. Last year my husband visited a college friend with our daughter, and I visited my best grad school friend with my son.
OOO says
All of this sounds lovely! I am jealous!
I heard that the best way to establish new friendships is to have a set date and time to meet on a regular basis, which you are doing with your Saturday morning library dates and daily calls with your friend. (You didn’t say these friends are new, so maybe they were already established friendships)
Anonymous says
Just venting over a rather silly and extremely privileged thing, but sometimes I wish I hadn’t established a pattern and practice of involving my husband on home decor/furniture purchase decisions! Essentially, we decide we need to purchase X item or do Y thing to our house. We agree on the general idea of what we want to purchase/what we want the outcome to be, and we agree on the general cost. Usually it’s fine, in that I get worn down and just agree to what he wants to do/buy because I’m tired of discussing it and I just want to have the item/the thing done. And he does have good taste, and our house does look nice, it is just an exhausting process and I feel like I’m the only female I know who has a husband this involved in this type of decision. And I do keep in mind the bigger picture: our house is our largest investment, we both want it to look nice, we both want the items we purchase to be of good quality, and we both have to live there (with our four year old) and we need to both agree on the item and we should both enjoy the way our house looks. If I had my own way, my house’s interior would look like the inside of an Anthropologie store with tons of bright colors, funky lamps and a million pillows. If he had his own way, we’d only buy original Stickley furniture or similar style hand crafted or antique items. The latest is that we need to move our child out of his toddler bed (aka, the crib with one side removed) and into a real bed, as apparently, the weight limit is 50 lbs and our son is currently 49 lbs (oops, didn’t realize we needed to be watching that weight limit!). In my mind, we’d buy a rather basic style wood bed (full sized, so that we don’t need to get another when our kid is a teenager), and then let our kid pick out whatever sheets and comforter he wants. All together, with mattress, this will be a purchase of over $1000, and so I don’t feel right not including DH. My husband is now saying he wants a twin sized bed because a kid doesn’t need anything bigger, and, more importantly, there are more fun and whimsical options for twin sized beds than there are full sized. He’s not wrong on either of these points, but now I’m getting links for like Architectural Digest’s top kids furniture makes and certain Dutch companies that make these whimsical kids beds. We just need to order a bed, but he said “I’m just beginning my research”. All the beds will take weeks to get here, so we just need to do this sooner than later. I’m going to try to impress upon him the timeline, and say we at least need to get a mattress. End of vent/rant.
Anon says
My husband is involved with all furniture purchases as well. I don’t think you are alone here. It takes more time to come to a joint decision for sure but it’s also nice to have a home that reflects both our tastes and desires. I’ve had to come to a point of acceptance. Years ago, something as simple as how high to hang a picture could lead us into a heated disagreement.
Anonymous says
Commiseration. I come from a long line of women who ran the household without any male interference, and I find it super annoying that my husband wants to weigh in on every decision. It does not help that his taste is the complete opposite of mine. We have no dining room rug and will probably never have one because he insists on a garishly colored oriental rug and I want a textured neutral.
As to your husband’s insistence on a twin bed, I would push back. Most kids these days seem to have full or even queen beds, and by second grade my kid was complaining that everyone else had a bigger bed. A full or queen is also more comfortable for bedtime reading.
SC says
I also have a husband who is involved in every household decision, and who likes to over-research things, and it is sometimes exhausting. I guess it’s better than doing everything myself, but sometimes it seems like more work to compromise.
While you guys are debating and waiting on a bed, you can buy a mattress and put it on the floor while you choose a bed and wait for it to arrive. Or you can do that with the mattress from the toddler bed.
FWIW, I agree that a double or queen is better for bedtime reading. Or you can do what we did–bunk beds with a twin over a double. Best of both worlds!
Anon says
Re: bed size, I think it really depends on the size of the room. We have a reasonably large house, but the non-primary bedrooms are not massive and with the furniture we have in there (bookshelf, glider, dresser), we did not feel like we had room for anything larger than a twin. Our early elementary schooler has been fine in the twin, and floor space for her to play with dolls and do arts and crafts feels much more important at this age than a larger bed. Once she’s a tween and doesn’t really “play” anymore, then we will consider a bigger bed. We read in the glider or the adults’ bed, and it hasn’t been an issue.
OOO says
My DH is like this, but I wouldn’t say he has good taste, unfortunately. You can’t make every decision by committee, that will take forever. I read something about how compromise is actually a myth – usually one person (in this case, you) or both end up with something they didn’t want. Can you divide and conquer? I choose the bed and you choose the rug?
Anonymous says
Can you tell him that you went with his final choice on the last few furniture rounds and you’d like to take point on this decision? You can give him two options to have final pick over if that would help or he can buy the backup duvet/sheets if he wants to be included. It’s ok to say you’d like to own a decision once and awhile. It’s not a $30k kitchen renovation. Can you also each take a room in the house that you have the primary right to decorate? That way you can each go fully to your preference in one space.
Anonymous says
My husband also is involved in every choice. Yes, it is more complicated to have two people involved than one. But it’s also his house!!!!