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Cb says
My 6 year old had his first sleepover and we didn’t get a middle of the night phone call, so that was a win. He told his bestie “This is well past my bedtime!” at about 9pm, but slept really well and was happy enough.
They’ve got 2 kids, so it’s not massively helpful to repay the favour by taking 1 of them, but we try to pick their kid up when we can/when necessary.
FVNC says
That’s great! And I wouldn’t underestimate the helpfulness of repaying by hosting bestie, since parenting one child is much easier when you’re used to two!
My 10 year old just had a sleepover party (very small — only two girls spent the night) and it went so much better than I was fearing. And now of course my 6 yr old son wants a sleep over so it’s good to hear that some 6 yr olds can manage it!
Anon says
I have to 5.5 year olds and cannot imagine them wanting to do a sleepover anytime soon. kids are all SO different
Cb says
He’s been asking for ages, but it’s a longtime bestie, he knows the mum and dad really well (formed a late covid bubble). I don’t think I’d do it with families we weren’t super close to, I’d want to know/trust the parents.
Anon says
My 5.75 year old is desperate for a sleepover but I don’t feel comfortable asking people for one at this age. It seems too young unless the families are good friends. So for now she has to settle for grandparents and “cousins” (my BFF’s kids that we see once a year).
SC says
They are. They also change and mature so quickly! A year sometimes makes a tremendous difference in what they’re ready for. Motivation also matters a lot–I can imagine an only child finding the idea of a sleepover with a bestie more compelling than a twin.
GCA says
Aw cute! It can actually be helpful depending on the sibling dynamic. how old is the other? if they have the same interests and all three get along, could you take both siblings?
Kid 2 and her cousin are 5 and would LOVE to have a ‘sleepover’ in imitation of older siblings, but the actual event would be hilarious as each has a problem staying in her own bed all night.
Cb says
Bestie is 7, little sister is 4, and she’s comfortable at our house, last time they came, she told her mum and dad to go home so she could play with my husband. We could also go sleep at theirs so she had her own bed.
Mary Moo Cow says
I agree that having one kid out of the house, especially for a whole night, can be a huge favor! I hardly get one on one time with my kids (I have 2) and am looking forward to some sleepovers. We tried hosting an 8 year old this summer, and she didn’t want to spend the whole night, which was totally fine and not all that surprising, but she and my 8 year old have been begging both sets of parents to let DD sleep over at her house. DD wakes up with nightmares a few times a week so I don’t think that’s in the cards yet but we’re working toward it.
Anon says
Our preschool teacher is expecting her first baby soon and I want to give her a gift. I can’t find her baby registry online. Should I just give an Amazon gift card?
HSAL says
I’d go Target over Amazon (if they’re convenient in your area), but yes to a gift card.
Anon says
+1
NYCer says
100% yes.
anon says
I need help. I’m at a breaking point and have been here for months. I’ve posted about various parenting and relationship struggles recently here but I’m just maxed out on all the issues right now and nothing seems to be improving despite my best efforts.
I have a 10 month old baby, a demanding job, and a spouse with a full time job as well. Baby is in daycare full time but we don’t have any family support nearby. She’s healthy and happy which is a bright spot in this, I know things could be so much worse.
DH was always the one who wanted kids more, wanted to be a dad, and while he’s a very involved dad our division of labor is not 50/50. We tried Fair Play and he went off on me about how hard things are and how I don’t see everything he does, then he storms off requesting a time out from me. This is basically how all our conversations go; he gets mad and storms off. We’ve done marriage counseling where the time-out was recommended and he had court mandated anger management from an assault charge a few years ago where he was recommended to walk away when he gets angry, so basically every time I try to share my opinions in a neutral tone I’m shut down. Also relevant, he told me a few months back when I was in a very depressed moment that if anything happened to me he’d give our daughter up to social services because he can’t take care of her alone.
Over the past few months, he’s been ruder and hard on me for little things and it’s really worn me down. I’ve talked to him about it and asked him to be nicer to me, don’t give orders to me, treat me like the equal partner you married, but nothing changes.
I’ve been pretty clear that I only want one child after my pregnancy and labor experience, the general state of maternal and prenatal care especially as my state moves more towards forced birth (they allowed abortions until 24 weeks after Dobbs but that’s been continually chopped down), and generally feeling maxed out already with one child. On Saturday night, we were watching a show where vasectomies came up and I asked DH when he’d like to discuss the topic as he previously signaled willingness to do this. He told me that I still might change my mind, and given the state of our marriage he wants to leave open the possibility of having a child with another woman. I was in so much shock and started silently crying. He tried to walk it back saying I basically forced him into saying that and don’t I realize how bad our marriage is.
On Sunday morning, I was feeling sick from DD’s daycare cold and I asked if he could go to a family meetup without me. He went off on me again about how I need to do more as a family and be a good role model to my daughter. I started crying, saying again I’m maxed out, I’m trying so hard, I’m doing what I can and don’t get support. He stormed off again. I felt so down, like every day I’m failing everyone, that I just went upstairs and started packing a suitcase with the intent of driving off and never seeing them again. He came in and broke down and said I can’t leave because he can’t take care of DD, I need to stay for her, and he said he’d be nicer to me.
So here we are Monday morning at my intense job where I’ve tried to set boundaries to do daycare pickup and see my daughter, and find out again we need another evening call tonight. I just…I can’t. I can’t keep up my job and being the wife and mother my husband expects, but if I don’t who will pay this mortgage? A point I made to my husband yesterday.
Idk where to go from here. Literally I fantasize about unaliving myself or driving off and never being seen again on a daily basis. I know what I’m in is not sustainable but my job isn’t changing despite my best efforts at holding boundaries, DH isn’t changing despite requests to do so, and I just want the best for DD throughout all of this.
Anon says
Huge hug.
Step 1 is going to Postpartum Support International’s web site and calling their support line. Like now. I’d post it here but I don’t want to get caught up in mod.
Will post a longer reply too when I can.
Anon says
I’m back.
You’re a great mom. I promise you’re not failing.
These feelings of failure, wanting to unlive, wanting to run away. I’ve been there. It’s depression. I REALLY did not want to acknowledge that, because that felt like another failure. So I went to therapy for “burnout” and am so thankful I did. You can call it whatever you like, but PLEASE get help for it starting today.
Your husband is not Your Person right now. Do not rely on him. Do not try to fix your marriage right now. Rally Your People. Hire babysitters. Get the support you need.
This is one of the hardest periods of your life. Call in all the favors you can, lean out as much as you can, throw money at what you can.
It will get better. I’ll be thinking about you. Please keep coming here and talking to us.
Anonymous says
This is great advice. If my friend called me and told me any of this I would drop everything and help her in a heartbeat.
The only way out is through, and you can do it. If you need more concrete advice about lawyers, anything, post here or on the main page and I’m sure people will supply it.
Anon says
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Call your doctor, today, and tell her what you told us. I don’t mean to alarm you, but if you’re fantasizing about suicide or disappearing, the situation has reached emergency levels. You have to get yourself to a better place – the rest will eventually follow, although I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it now. You can’t make important decisions when your mental health is struggling, but there are better days ahead. I promise.
Anonymous says
Call a help line today. And tell your best friend and you mom. And then call a lawyer and get a divorce. This marriage is destroying you. It will never get better.
Anonymous says
And to clarify your husband will not get better. Your life will! It will be amazing again I promise.
Spirograph says
This. I’m so sorry, OP, this sounds awful. You can’t “best efforts” your way out, you need to call in help. Please call the postpartum support line, or a domestic abuse hotline FIRST, and tell them what you’ve said here. Given your husband’s anger management history and the emotional abuse you’ve described, their advice will be important in planning your next steps.
Anon says
+1. Please rally whatever support system you have, whether it’s family, friends, neighbors, anyone but your husband, and lean on them. You will get through this. Huge hugs.
Chl says
Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Others will have good advice too but some thoughts. Does your money go someplace joint? Switch that today. If you can take a few days off to get things together – do it. Your company won’t collapse. Call a friend or pay for family or anyone who loves you to come help you. I would gladly help anyone in my circle or family in a difficult situation (they don’t even need to know the marriage stuff if you really don’t want it. ‘I’m overwhelmed with a baby and big job right now and need some help should be enough.) Given the previous assault and anger management stuff, I’m sure counseling would be good but I might go straight to lawyer up and domestic violence hotline advice route. This is not normal he is being emotionally abusive; you don’t deserve it, you will figure things out. Ask for help.
GCA says
I’m so sorry you are living this nightmare. There are a zillion red flags to me, here:
– He ‘can’t take care of DD on his own’ and is not an equal partner but was the one who wanted kids more and wants more kids. Something doesn’t compute. He seems happy to exploit your labor and enjoy the fruits of your paid employment without making any trade-offs of his own. He expects you to present the image of a perfect family for the ‘gram (‘family time’ 24/7 on weekends?) without any consideration for your actual needs.
– He sounds manipulative – telling you that he’d give your daughter up to social services (remember: he wants kids; this is to manipulate you) or saying that he’d have a child with someone else. He gets mad and storms off and it’s on you to be the peacemaker. He abuses the time-outs so he can avoid discussing things calmly with his words like an adult.
This seems untenable.
What do you believe is best for DD? I would prioritize that, get my ducks in a row, and leave.
Emma says
Hugs. Yes, please call a friend or your mom or someone and tell them how bad it is. When things were awful with my EXH, I spent a lot of time lying to protect him, and as a result had no meaningful friendships or support network. Don’t let that happen to you. Also, it’s so hard. I have a 13 month old and a reasonably supportive husband and a pretty flexible job and I’m exhausted and at my breaking point already. OP, you are doing amazing. If your husband is making you feel like a terrible mom, he is a jerk and needs to do some serious work on himself. And absolutely no to more children while you are in this situation. He wants to open up your marriage and have a child with someone else? He would give your daughter to social services? What on earth? I’m not always a DTMF person, but seriously, you deserve better.
Momofthree says
I am so sorry you are in the middle of this- thank you for feeling comfortable enough with this online forum to share. It will not always feel like this. This all sounds very tough. You are not unreasonable in feeling like this is hard/impossible.
In terms of the driving off, I have felt like this recently too. You may not want to hear this, but this is likely depression. Therapy can help. Medications can help. They won’t solve the problems, but they can offer a little room/light to help you tackle the problems and realize they are solvable.
You deserve better than what you’re getting from your husband. I agree with the others that are saying you should look into separating. I know this is not an easy choice. You are allowed to be sick and have days off.
One thing to consider if you’re not ready for that- see if it would be possible to get extra help/ babysitters lined up. The conversation I try to tee up with my husband is that just because I’m feeling overwhelmed, doesn’t mean that he isn’t feeling overwhelmed as well. We need to find solutions that work for both of us.
Finally, it sounds like your husband is having trouble adjusting to being a parent- this is no excuse for the way he’s treating you, but none of us can know how parenthood will change us. It sounds like he’s very anxious about parenting alone and isn’t willing to admit that/ is trying to push the anxiety you & make it about you and not him. It’s a protective mechanism that he should go to therapy to address. Again, I’m not saying it’s ok what he’s doing, but it may help you in reframing that he’s taking out his issues on you.
Anonymous says
Call your doctor. Call postpartum support. Call right now and come back and tell us once you’ve done it.
This might be your husband, it might be you, it might be both. But the absolute most important thing you can do is keep everyone safe. Call right now.
momofthree says
I am so sorry you are in the middle of this- thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share. It will not always feel like this. This all sounds very tough. You are not unreasonable in feeling like this is hard/impossible.
In terms of the driving off, I have felt like this recently too. You may not want to hear this, but this is likely depression. Therapy can help. Medications can help. They won’t solve the problems, but they can offer a little room/light to help you tackle the problems and realize they are solvable.
You deserve better than what you’re getting from your husband. I agree with the others that are saying you should look into separating. I know this is not an easy choice. You are allowed to be sick and have days off.
One thing to consider if you’re not ready for that- see if it would be possible to get extra help/ babysitters lined up. The conversation I try to tee up with my husband is that just because I’m feeling overwhelmed, doesn’t mean that he isn’t feeling overwhelmed as well. We need to find solutions that work for both of us.
Finally, it sounds like your husband is having trouble adjusting to being a parent- this is no excuse for the way he’s treating you, but none of us can know how parenthood will change us. It sounds like he’s very anxious about parenting alone and isn’t willing to admit that/ is trying to push the anxiety you & make it about you and not him. It’s a protective mechanism that he should go to therapy to address. Again, I’m not saying it’s ok what he’s doing, but it may help you in reframing that he’s taking out his issues on you.
Anonymous says
“In terms of the driving off, I have felt like this recently too. You may not want to hear this, but this is likely depression. ”
I mean, maybe, but more likely it’s a symptom of being married to an abuser.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry – as everyone else said, call a hotline, now. I know you have a demanding job, but could you take Wednesday-Friday off this week to secretly get your ducks in a row? Or at least a second to breathe and figure out what you want to do. It sounds like you and DH are BOTH depressed, and depressed people can be a*holes (not their fault, but still). So I don’t think you need to get divorced, but you both need help which may look like medication, or moving closer to family so you have more support, or hiring out support. Clearly something.
Lastly – I do not think my husband adjusted well to the changes of parenthood. I think he had some sort of postpartum depression. He wasn’t a jerk but he really wasn’t himself, and obviously I felt like I was doing so much of the mental load. I also don’t think I understood the mental load he was carrying as a father/provider combined with sleep deprevation. But we hung in there and our kids are 6 and 4 and our marriage is in a happy, strong place. I do not think constantly criticizing someone and talking about the relationship and complaining helps in these situations – sometimes we have to realize people are temporarily not being their best selves and ignore it. (Not victim blaming – we should ALL treat our partners well, but stuff happens) But if you think this is who your DH really is at the core and you’re just now seeing the light. then that’s a different story. Having a prior assault charge is pretty telling.
Anon says
Everyone has given great advice, so I won’t repeat anything.
I was in a very dark and sad place in my marriage after my second child was born. Our situations are not the same, but there is a way out – you just have to get through. My youngest will be 3 in a few months and I’m way happier and more stable now than after they were born. Just know you are at the worst of it – and you WILL get through. You will not leave DD with this man. You will get the help you need and deserve. You will rebuild a better life that is YOURS.
You will get through. We’re all here, as are generations of women and birthing people before you.
Anon says
I can relate. Shift your focus from what’s wrong with your husband and take action to save yourself. Meet with your doctor asap to get medication for depression or access to other resources. It can help. Think about all the heartache you can prevent by caring for yourself now. You cannot fix your husband but you can access more support for yourself.
Anonymous says
OP, you need to leave this man and take your child with you. Get whatever medical, logistical, etc. support you need to get yourself to the point where you are able to leave, and then do it. We are all rooting for you. You and your child are worth it. Once you are free of your husband, all the other challenges will be much easier to manage because you won’t have him working against you.
Anon says
You should not stay married to this man. He doesn’t even want to be married to you, he’s just too chickenshit to leave himself.
Anon says
I don’t have much to add, except that you can take FMLA leave from work (up to 12 weeks, not necessarily continuously) and your employer will have to keep your job for you. I think you should take some (probably at least a week) right now to get through this immediate crisis and then you can figure out how best to use the remaining time later. If finances are an issue, don’t hesitate to ask friends and family members for help. I would gladly give money to someone in this situation and I’m not someone who normally contributes to Go Fund Mes and the like.
I hope things get better! Please keep us posted on how you and your daughter are doing.
PinkKeyboard says
I know I’m a day late but I’m so so so sorry. I’ve been there. I can remember googling why does my husband hate me crying alone in bed at night. My only saving grace was having a flexible and low key goverment job so I didn’t need much help. Try to get into therapy to help you maintain but I can tell you that getting out saved me. Im now in a wonderful relationship with a man who takes days off work to build a playground for goats I just had to have. He loves my kids, we have a baby together. It’s night and day. I know you dont want to tell anyone but tell your trusted people and make plans to escape. Your baby can live in a one bedroom apartment with you. Do a few consults with lawyers on custody etc, some of the things he is saying might help you win better custody if you can get in writing. If you can post where you are some of us might be able to meet up and support you.
Siblings sharing a room says
Talk to me about how you moved siblings into sharing a room. We have a just-turned-3 year old and a 9 month old, and the plan is to put the 9 month old in the 3 year old’s room as soon as he stops consistently waking up at midnight-1am. 3 year old is in a toddler bed (and stays in it all night, but generally takes ~30 min to fall asleep once we leave the room – stays in her bed but talks/sings softly to herself). 9 month old is in a crib and is not great at self-soothing if he wakes up. Current bedtime routine is that I do bedtime with both kids together in the 3 year old’s room, and then after she gets tucked in, the baby and I retreat to the master bedroom for nursing and sleep in the master bedroom crib.
What worked well for you? What didn’t? The 3 year old has always been a rock star sleeper and I’m fearful of disrupting that but also figure the first few weeks might be a sh*tshow. Although I’ve started prepping her for the fact that her brother will share a room with her (his crib has been in there since before birth, he already naps in there solo, etc).
She sleeps with a nightlight and always has. Bad idea when there is more than 1 of them in there?
momofthree says
We had kind of the opposite situation where my oldest was the nightmare sleeper & our middle child was the dream. We were definitely worried the older kid would disrupt the middle kid, but generally speaking it has been fine.
I would definitely wait until the little one is not routinely waking up. I would also probably wait until you’re no longer nursing to sleep.
I’d focus on 1 bedtime, not two because you don’t want to be going in & out of the room when one of them is trying to get to sleep.
Nightlight shouldn’t be an issue- we had an ok to wake clock with no issue.
I remember there being an issue for a few days but not as long as I’d thought. I would make sure to not do it around when you’re going on vacation, but otherwise, sounds like you’ve thought it all through. Just don’t let it backslip into having them come into your bed.
Not OP says
I’m in a similar situation (3yo has trouble sleeping, 1yo is great) but they are still on different bedtimes – 8pm and 7pm, respectively. Would you advise waiting to combine rooms until 1yo is able to stay up until 8pm? I think we might be a year away from that…
Momofthree says
I think it depends- you could try it & see if the 1yo can sleep through the 3yo going to bed. Worse case you go back to having them in separate rooms. We moved ours in around 1 yo b/c he was outgrowing the pack-n-play which was the only thing that fit in our closet.
anon says
We didn’t move DS2 into DS1’s room until he was just shy of 2 years and DD appeared (necessitating the move). At that point, it went very smoothly for us – both kids were on the same bedtime and same routine.
Spirograph says
It’s been a long time since my kids were these ages, so take this with a grain of salt, but my kids have shared a room more or less since baby #2 was born, and I don’t remember there ever being any issues with them waking each other up. The toddler(s) slept through baby nighttime waking, or at least immediately fell asleep again once a parent soothed the baby. The bigger problems were when toddlers strongly resisted bedtime, in which case I would usually just put someone to bed in *my* bed and transfer him or her after they were asleep. We had a glider in the kids’ room and DH or I would feed the baby in the dark-ish while toddler(s) were going to sleep. I never found a nightlight to be a sleep impediment to anyone. I still occasionally hang out in the kids’ room and read my kindle in the dark to enforce no-talking-it’s-bedtime.
Honestly, just try it. Every child is so different, it’s hard to say anything universally helps or hurts, but you’ll be able to experiment and adjust for your children.
anonM says
I was dreading moving baby #2 in with #1, but then we did and it went way better than expected and I’d wished we had done it sooner. #1 still just falls asleep so quickly, and #2 rarely disturbs him. And I wouldn’t worry about a nightlight. We use the hatch as a nightlight, but put it very dim. I’d just try a night and see how it goes. The hardest part may be the initial falling asleep, which might mean putting 9mo old down after 3yo falls asleep. GL!
Very, very tired mom says
My 5.5 YO is having a sleep regression….?!
Context: pregnant w/ #2, due in 5 weeks. I’ve had severe physical pain this pregnancy, despite everything being ‘normal’. I’m absolutely, out of my mind miserable. I do my best to keep it to myself but it’s hard when I legit can’t walk some days. She’s also very, very excited to be a big sister and has more context than most unwitting soon-to-be older siblings given some recent births in the extended family she’s close to. But, Saturday she said to me and DH, “I miss my old mom”, meaning pre-pregnancy mom (mom does, too, desperately…). Soooo that’s great. She also started K in September, so #changes.
She goes to bed fine enough (she trends defiant as her baseline no matter the situation), but at any point in the middle of the night things go south fast. Last night we just caved and let her in to our bed at 1am. Prior, like, 7 nights she screams for DH to come with her and DH ends up laying with her for a bit, but sometimes just passing out (sometimes it’s midnight. sometimes it’s 4am. completely random). This is working for no one – we’re all exhausted.
We’ve been very cognizant of over tiredness, bedtime routines, etc. She also had a cold recently so that could be playing in to it too, but that’s a very new development and this habit of hers predates illness. We’ve resorted to/see the most success with downright bribery. “If you stay in bed tonight and don’t call for daddy we’ll do/get/reward you with X tomorrow”. Then, if she does it once, we try to expand it to “do it for two nights” , “do it for three nights” etc. It worked for a solid 10 days but then stopped. Sometimes it’s candy; sometimes it’s something we were already going to do with her that we use it as a carrot.
I’m at a loss. I feel like even if we establish a fix in the short term it’s all going to be disrupted again when baby arrives mid/late Nov. She’s always been a super solid sleeper so I’m convinced it’s just a function of all the crazy around us, which comes back to the baby ultimately. And I’m afraid the bribery is breading some long term very bad habits. SOS.
Thoughts? Stick to the bribery and enjoy it when it works? Other thoughts?
Anonymous says
Oh it’s totally just the baby coming. Every single person I know who has more than 1 kid has their first kid get all crazy with sleep right before the baby comes. I’d stop with the bribes, not stress that it’ll be for forever. Just get lots of outside time and sunlight. My second baby was big (9lbs7oz) so I was very slow at the end, and i felt this immense guilt over not being as active as normal. Now that fat baby is 4, me and the oldest’s relationship is really strong. It feels like forever but it’s really a short phase. Hang in there! Pregnancy can be the pits!!
Anonymous says
I would stick to the bribery and do it one day at a time rather than extending the length of time – 1 small piece of candy daily won’t kill her – and also consider allowing her a sleeping bag on the floor in your room as the last resort rather than getting in your bed, if you can stand it that is. Especially if you can get her to walk herself to your room so you don’t have to fully wake up. Around that age my brother would wake me up to walk him across the dark/scary house to my parents room in the middle of the night almost every night, unroll his sleeping bag on their floor, and go back to sleep. I’m sure my mother woke up but it wasn’t as disruptive as if they had had to go into his room and settle him.
Anonymous says
It’s probably all her life changes. K was really hard for my oldest. Is DH just totally against sleeping in her room with her for a few days? Can you just let her sleep in your room on a pallet on the floor for now? If that’s not an option, I vote you keep doing bribery. It’s about to, believe it or not, get better. Baby will be here and everyone will have to adjust to a new normal. Good luck!
Anon says
i would stick to the bribery. i have 2 daughters the same age. this was a year ago now but one was waking up 3+ times per night after getting covid and idk if it just became a habit or what, but at first she’d scream for me, which given she shares a room with her twin sister was disruptive, so first i had to bribe her to come and get me without waking anyone else, then it was every morning if she didn’t come get me she got a mini marshmallow. it was small enough i didnt feel so bad about it and we needed the consistency of every day….and she no longer needs a marshmallow every morning anymore