This might fall into the category of overkill, but if I’m hot, I’m sure my baby is too.
This stroller fan and mister keeps your baby cool as the temperatures climb. The fan mounts onto your stroller’s handle or bumper bar for cooling on the go. In addition to a water reservoir for misting, there’s even a USB port to charge your own devices. I could also see “borrowing” it to clip onto my poolside lounge chair.
Larktale’s Stroller Fan & Mister is $49.99 at Best Buy and $52.99 at BuyBuyBaby.
This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
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EDAnon says
I was at an event recently and another mom had one of these. We were in line and she kindly let my kids (3 & 5) use it. They sprayed each other and had fun. If I’d known how much it cost, I probably wouldn’t have let them use it .$50 seems like a lot for this!
Anon says
$50 is kind of pricey! If folks are looking for a slightly diff slightly cheaper alternative..I have a stroller fan with “bendy” arms that i can hold or attach to the stroller bar/anywhere that was $30. It doesn’t have a mist attachment but I love it for myself and kiddo. Found on most online vendors.
Anon says
Search “handheld misting fan” to find a bunch of options. You can find them for $5 at big stores, but they’ll break quickly. Spring for the $16 O2Cool one and it’ll last up to two summers and counting. It’ll even survive being dropped on hard grass from approx 9 year old height.
EDAnon says
Nice!
swimsuits says
any favorite places to buy swimsuits for older kids?
Anon says
Athleta
Anonymous says
+1. I also like Roxy.
Anon says
I got a nice suit for my 9 yo at Costco this year. I sometimes buy name brands on Amazon in the off season for lessons. We also tend to end up with a few cute Target or Old Navy suits.
Anne-on says
We buy ours at either Boden or Hanna Anderson, my kid has sensory sensitivities and most of the other big brands are too scratchy for him.
Anonanonanon says
Boy or girl?
Old Navy has always been good for my son as he got older. Land’s End can be hit or miss but usually has some good ones. My son does not grow quickly and the old navy ones hold up surprisingly well over multiple years.
I got my son some trunks from Southern Tide two years ago and they’re nice. They also have SPF button down shirts that are made for swimming etc (sort of like a rash guard but fancier?) that are a good summer staple for my son. I think they’re called the intercoastal button down? My husband has a couple for vacations and likes them as well.
Anon says
+1 Old Navy for boys, Athleta for girls. And a Cat and Jack from Target for backup.
Anon says
I get my 5YO girl’s suits (wearing a big kid’s large or basically a 12) at gap. Quality holds up pretty well, and I like being able to find rashguards since she is pasty like me. I have also had good luck with Land’s end (for her and me).
Party Animal says
PSA: I was putting my three month old to bed the other night and went to turn on her Hatch by touching the top. A huge silver/blue spark flew off the top of the metal ring at the top of the Hatch to my middle finger and pain radiated up my arm. Now the light won’t turn on. Really scary. We unplugged the light and removed the one we had in our son’s room. We’ve contacted Hatch customer service. I know a lot of you use Hatch lights too, so thought I’d share.
Anon says
Yikes that’s so scary!
EDAnon says
Glad you’re not seriously injured. That is scary!
Cb says
My son and I have been reading up a storm lately and I thought I’d share some recs for some longer chapter books we enjoyed.
Mr Penguin’s Adventures – these are silly and fun
Unicorn Rescue Society – so good, lovely illustrations, my Peruvian accent for Mr Fauna could use some work. We asked the librarian yesterday and she’s ordering the rest of the series for us.
Kate on the Case – my son liked that the mum worked away as a scientist in Antartica like me (political science, NI, same difference…)
What have you been reading and enjoying.
Anon says
My rising first grader has been enjoying Dragon Masters, Kingdom of Wrenly and My Weird School.
My rising 4th grader has been reading Harry Potter and Percy Jackson.
Nothing especially surprising, but popular for a reason.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My older son tends to want the same books read over and over every night for a while until he moves on to the next books so right now we’re reading “We Will Rock our Classmates” (sequel to We Don’t Eat our Classmates), Giraffes Can’t Dance and Boys Dance.
My little one is very into Dr. Seuss now so I am taking advantage of probably my last few opportunities to read “Fox in Sox” – I know a lot of people (ahem, my husband) don’t like this book for its tongue twistiness, but I love it and find the rhymes hilarious and fun to do at the end. Also Cat in the Hat and Green Eggs and Ham.
anon says
Ooh, anything called Unicorn Rescue Society sounds right up my kid’s alley! Any sense of if they’re be good for independent reading by a 5yo who’s probably at a mid-elem level?
Cb says
I think she’ll be able to read them, maybe with a bit of help on the tricky words? They are a lovely read aloud as well, we read it in one go (with breaks for tea and snacks) and it was great.
Spirograph says
Thank you, I’m always looking for new kid books! What reading level are these? My rising 2nd grader could stand to branch out from Junie B. Jones; she’s burned through about 14 of them in the last month, and it would be easy to divert her to something with Unicorn in the title. She’s also very into The Owl Diaries, Princess in Black, Clementine, Zoey & Sassafrass, Dogman and the Ramona books
Rising 4th grader:
Spy School (We read the first of this series aloud and the younger kids liked it, too)
Wings of Fire
Dogman
All, including rising 1st grader (as read-aloud or audiobooks): misc, Roald Dahl, Harry Potter & Percy Jackson.
Anonymous says
For a rising second grader, I love Humphrey the hamster. If she enjoyed Clementine and Ramona she might also like Betsy-Tacy.
Cb says
I think they are listed as middle grade?
Anon says
My son loves the A to Z mystery series. We’ve read them all twice!
Spirograph says
Thanks, I will check all of these out!!
Spirograph says
Oh and I almost forgot to add — my rising 1st grader loves the Danny Dragonbreath series. They’re quick, and only take a few days to get through with regular storytime.
Anonymous says
My rising first grader asked if we could start reading Harry Potter. I sailed through it as an adult, but it turns out that it is fairly dense to read out loud to a 6 year old. I’ll be a little surprised if she has the attention span to stick with it.
Spirograph says
It’s super kid-dependent. My sons didn’t have the attention span for it at that age, but my daughter did. We read through the 3rd book together without illustrations and she loved every second. (Then listened to all of them again when I had to read all three again to her brothers after we got the illustrated versions.) In 1st grade and up, a lot of kids seem to have read them and/or seen the movies and talk about them at school, which was definitely a motivating factor for the older kids. I was really miffed that my kids knew some spoilers.
Anonymous says
I didn’t realize there were illustrated versions. She’d probably like that. But I already have all of them from when I read them years ago… Maybe I’ll see what the library has, although I don’t think we can get through them quickly enough for a library check out.
Anonymous says
Look for the Jim Kay illustrated editions, they’re really nice. If you don’t mind ordering from Amazon, they are _significantly_ cheaper there, and you can get bundles of the first 3 or 4. I have a full set of hardcover not-illustrated, but bought the first 3 illustrated editions so far, will probably buy the 4th. No regrets :) it does make them much more approachable & engaging for younger kids and reading aloud.
Anon says
Speaking of hatch….we are going on an extended trip this summer to a different time zone, and for most of our trip, WIFI & electricity is very limited or unavailable. Does anyone know if a travel alarm clock exists that (1) has a color feature like Hatch that you can set to specific times without needing a computer science background to program the light feature, (2) is battery operated/small, and (3) isn’t shockingly expensive? I love the Hatch, and our kids really do a good job with the light indicating when it’s time to get up (plus aren’t ready to tell time yet), but I’ve found it really hard to travel with.
Anon says
There’s a hatch mini now but apparently it has limitations unless you pay for the upgraded app on your phone. Limited sounds/colors/schedules compared to the full hatch.
Anon says
Not sure how helpful this will be, but we use a tablet as a bedside clock when traveling and not bringing out hatch. The app we use is just a big digital clock ’cause my 4yo can tell time enough to know what we mean when we say “don’t get out of bed until it says 7:30” but I think there are also okay-to-wake apps you might be able to use.
anon says
Looking for advice, please be kind. How much do you push your kids to do stuff they don’t want to do? I’m thinking along the lines of things that might get them out of their comfort zone, not like chores or whatever. My 6 yo has lots of friends, does well in school, is good in social situations. But I cannot interest her in getting involved in any activities. She loves to dance and sing but has repeatedly refused to take any classes. I was kind of ok with that, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s less of a rebellion against structure and more of a confidence thing. Reason is, our pool requires kids to pass a swim test in order to get a green band. She took lessons last summer and is taking them right now. She’s doing ok, but is not ready for the test. I’ve been practicing with her when we go to the pool, trying to motivate her to practice so she can get a green band. She told me yesterday that she doesn’t want to take the test, she’s fine with not getting the green band. I was adamant with her that learning to swim is as much about safety/life skills as it is about fun and that she needed to work towards the green band or I wouldn’t bring her to the pool anymore. Maybe not the best reaction but . . . she got upset of course and I dropped it. I don’t want her to associate swimming with negative feelings but I have to admit I’m super frustrated. I know part of it is that I was super active as a kid, I tried lots of different activities, some of which I stuck with for several years. My parents didn’t force me, but they supported me enthusiastically. And I got a lot out of it, many skills which I still value today. I want her to have that same experience, but I don’t want to force her because that defeats the purpose. Anyway, this is long and mixing up a few different issues, but I wanted to see if anyone has thoughts on how to approach this.
Anonymous says
Please chill. She is 6. She is taking lessons. Let her enjoy the pool how she wants.
OP says
Gee, thanks for being kind.
Anon says
Ok but it’s a 6-year-old who also deserves some kindness?
But also, why would you stop taking her to the pool if you want her to learn how to swim? That’s just counterproductive.
Anon says
Yeah I don’t think you’re a bad mom for getting stressed about this, but I think depriving her of pool time when the goal is getting her to swim confidently is completely counter-productive.
OP says
I already admitted it wasn’t the best reaction, and I don’t plan to follow through. It was a moment of frustration but it sounds like you’ve never experienced that so I guess you can’t relate. I’m obviously asking for help here with the acknowledgement that I’m maybe not doing something right and a desire to do something different, but I guess that’s not good enough for you. Sorry I’m not the perfect mother you are.
Anonymous says
Truly you need to work on defensiveness.
Anonymous says
How was this not kind?!?
Anon says
She knows her reaction wasn’t the best and telling her it was counterproductive isn’t kind or helpful, because you’re telling her something negative about her that she already knows. She’s looking for suggestions for what to do now that could be productive, not criticisms of her past behavior.
OP, I’ve said the wrong thing sometimes (many times!) out of frustration, and I totally understand where you’re coming from. Fwiw, I think swimming is unique from other activities because, as you said, it’s a safety issue rather than something that’s just for fun. But you also have to be careful about pushing. I’d continue with swimming lessons, not let her quit them, but let her move at her own pace, so she doesn’t get scared and turned off from the water altogether.
As for other activities, maybe you can find some drop in classes (a lot of kids classes in my area allow kids to take one free trial class). Maybe if she tries a class (in whatever interests her), she’ll find she likes it.
Good luck!
Anon says
Swimming is kind of a different bucket since it’s safety related (but it sounds like she’s participating in lessons and improving so I wouldn’t push the test yet, either) but for a 6-year-old and run of the mill activities, I never push. I offer, and if he says no, I am glad to save the time and money. I think part of it is confidence with my son (almost 7), too, but I also don’t really think that’s a problem. Lots of research shows free play and downtime is better for kids than activities at this young age.
My son does do Little League, and he agreed to do a one-week golf program this summer (but turned down many other options I gave), so he does do some things. But in general, giving kids time and space to mature fixes a lot of “issues”.
avocado says
I have a teenager. Since about age 5 she has refused to learn or practice anything with a parent. She will work hard in lessons and classes and will practice on her own if it’s a skill she cares about, but she will not accept any encouragement or input from either me or her dad. Her dad was a lifeguard and taught swim lessons for years, but could never get her to practice swimming with him. She had daily swim lessons at day camp and eventually learned there. [She gets her learner’s permit soon. Now that will be interesting.]
TL/DR don’t even attempt to practice with her. If you have safety concerns get her private swim lessons or more frequent group lessons.
Anonymous says
Bribery can be effective. Does she want to go to the water park? If so, she can earn a trip by getting her green band.
Anon says
I would never push a 6 year old to do an activity they didn’t want to do. I had a wonderful childhood that consisted of running around the neighborhood playing with my friends and doing nothing structured except school until I was 8 and asked my parents to do an activity I ended up getting very serious about. Activities can be great for kids, but so can unstructured free time with friends. I think it’s highly dependent on personality and I don’t believe one approach is objectively “better” than the other. If she’s doing the swimming lessons, I think that’s plenty and I wouldn’t force her to take the test or penalize her by taking away pool time. Not only does it seem like a harsh punishment (surely there are other 6 year olds who can’t pass this test or don’t want to try), it’s counter-productive to your goal of getting her to learn how to swim. Most kids take some formal lessons, but many kids really comfortable in the water by splashing around in the pool with friends and family.
Anonymous says
Our issue (I’m not the OP) is that most of our kids friends either do aftercare or activities so there aren’t neighborhood kids to hang with for unstructured free time. Has to be super far in advance scheduled play dates or Siblings.
We have found though that my oldest, who loves every and all activities, has a lot of friends with younger siblings so my activity hating 2nd grader is happy to go watch soccer games 6 towns over because she and another little sibling can craft on the sidelines.
OP says
Yes, this is an issue for us too. She’s great friend with a neighbor kid and always wants to play but a lot of times the other kid is at practice. So she gets super disappointed that there’s no one to play with.
Anonymous says
Why does it matter if she has a green band?
I offer lessons when they show an interest. Young son is in boy scouts because his sister was in girl scouts and he wanted similar. Both kids have turned down tennis lessons and summer soccer and baseball even though they enjoy those activities with their grandparents and friends.
So far this year oldest kid turned out free instrument lessons at school and joining the basketball team, she picked up horseback riding and art lessons. I did neither as a kid. Her best friend does soccer and dance. Her other bestie does karate and musical theatre. The only lessons we require are swimming for safety but I don’t care what level they are at as long as they pay attention and try hard during their lesson.
Six is young. As they get older, they talk to their friends about different activities and she may be interested in joining them. No need for formal activities or lessons unless she wants them. You don’t have to learn stuff by a certain age. I don’t do any of the activities my parents made me do as a kid (Soccer, piano, dance) and I love trying new stuff – this year is snowboarding and rowing.
Learning new sports and activities is not a kid thing, it’s a lifelong thing.
Anon says
+1 to “Six is young. As they get older, they talk to their friends about different activities and she may be interested in joining them. No need for formal activities or lessons unless she wants them. You don’t have to learn stuff by a certain age. ”
I think some people here think because their kindergartners aren’t gung-ho about formal activities they’re going to be lazing around the house doing nothing as high schoolers and IMO that’s a silly worry. Most kids get interested in things on their own sometime in elementary school.
OP says
It matters if she has a green band because I want her to learn to swim.
Spirograph says
I think this is a case where peer pressure will accomplish your goal more effectively/less painfully than you can do on your own. Once she sees friends at the pool with a green band and wants to join them jumping off the diving board or whatever privilege it confers, she’ll want one too.
OP says
Yeah, I would have thought this, too. But she already has at least a few who have them, and can obviously see the other kids we don’t know who have them and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Idk maybe the answer is, as others have suggested, to just wait it out. Swimming does feel different to me though than other activities. Like she refuses to learn how to ride a bike, too, and we aren’t pushing her on that. And its the same situation where her friends know how to ride but peer pressure doesn’t seem to do much. Maybe she has more confidence that I’m realizing! :)
EDAnon says
You’re not a bad parent for stressing about this or for reacting the way you did. I get frustrated with my nearly 6yo for the same stuff. We all have our strengths and challenges as parents. I also get where you’re coming from. I don’t have my kids in a million things and I am not trying to make them superstars so they can go to Harvard or whatever. But I don’t want his lack of confidence to keep him from enjoying life. People jump so quickly to telling you how you’re doing it wrong and it’s frustrating.
On a (hopefully) more helpful note, one way to use peer pressure to get what you want is to do pool play dates. Our son took swimming independently much more seriously when his closest friend was having a great time swimming around on her own last year. He isn’t motivated by kids he doesn’t know or people he doesn’t feel close to. This friend he admires and so he did a lot of imitating (and that one afternoon improved his swimming quite a bit).
OP says
“I don’t want his lack of confidence to keep him from enjoying life”
Thanks Edanon. This is exactly what I’m trying to express and clearly failing at, haha. She’s a perfectionist like me and her father and I don’t want that to hold her back from trying things she might enjoy and/or be good at.
Anonymous says
Kids progress at all different rates. I have 3 – oldest kid didn’t fully learn until age 9 despite continuous lesson, middle kid picked it up at 6 and stills swims like a fish like his dad and youngest kid is chugging along at 7.5 and will probably have it figured out this summer. They’ve all had weekly lessons on Fridays from age 4. It’s just been different with each kid how well they took to it. Most of our friends with kids in the 6-8 range have variably results on independent swimming. It’s like toilet training – some kids are early and some are late but getting annoyed at them doesn’t help.
Threatening to stop taking her to the pool because she doesn’t learn on your schedule. You can mandate lessons and good effort in the lessons because swimming is a safety issue but you have to let go of how fast a particular kid picks up the skill.
OP says
This is an excellent and much needed point that I will keep in mind. Thank you!
Anonymous says
She is taking swim lessons. I agree with insisting kids do that. Stressing about how fast she’s learning isn’t great.
Anonymous says
So I was a kid who never wanted to do anything unless I was already good at it — I only wanted to do things that came naturally to me. Luckily I took to swimming really well, but I essentially refused to ever learn how to ride a bike. I’m not really sure why I was like that, in retrospect. I think what ultimately helped me try new things was peer pressure/seeing my friends enjoy something and feeling left out, rather than any parental pressure.
OP says
Yeah, I thought peer pressure would address this but all of her friends are involved in a variety of activities and she refuses to do any of them. As I said, I’m not trying to pressure her into any of the activities, aside from swimming which I see as an essential life skill.
Anne-on says
Same. I am super uncoordinated along with having shout-y unsupportive parents and so really disliked/avoided things I wasn’t good at.
With our kiddo who is the same way we push a bit harder on safety things (like swimming) but try to talk up how failure is natural on the path to learning, practice makes proficiency (the goal isn’t to be perfect, just to get better!), and it’s ok to not like doing something hard/difficult at first. We also add in bribes for doing something hard/unfun – pizza/special dinner/treat after lessons. Over time our kid’s gotten better at a lot of the ‘not fun’ stuff we pushed (typing, bike riding, fractions, cursive, etc.) and has become less adversarial about doing them to flat out enjoying it (bike riding) so we also talk about ‘remember how hard it was at first to bike ride but you worked so hard and we’re so proud of how well you’ve done’ etc.
Anon says
I have a very similar kid, also 6 – just kind of a homebody and also has some anxiety about new things/new social situations, though, once I get him to try something, he usually likes it. I set a rule that he has to do one physical activity/sport, but he can pick what it is, and I just make him go. Started out as a huge fight every time, over time got better, and now his improved skill at tennis (the sport he chose) is a point of pride for him, so I feel like it worked out? I also plan to make him start piano in the fall. I don’t know if I’m doing it right either, but I’m trying to forge a middle path between giving him a push and not being too overbearing. Figure if I leave it to two mandatory activities (one of which he gets to pick, so long as its physical/exercise) that’s okay? This is one of the trickiest things I deal with as a parent (this and when to let him quit).
Anon says
Pre-elementary age kids, I used to say I’d force my kids to do “one physical activity and one art/music activity”. But they started resisting the plan in mid-elementary and we used the pandemic as an excuse to reset and quit everything. If that hadn’t happened, I planned to have the kids finish out the season of the sport (their team was counting on them) and go through the recital/concert of music (their bandmates were counting on them) and then let them quit.
Once they quit, they were able to articulate that although they’re good at the activity, the constant pressure to level up was frustrating when they just want to play. House leagues are constantly telling good players to go into travel. Music classes are overly focused on moving up, joining a band, playing at local venues. It was hard to just enjoy playing when several teammates/bandmates (and their parents) were only focused on making it to the next level.
Now that we’re through the pandemic and activities are opening back up, one has asked to try a completely different sport and the other wants to try an art class. I signed them up for 8 week sessions with no pressure to continue, and the joy is back on their faces. Getting to do an activity just because you want to, not because you’re picking a lifelong hobby, is such a nice benefit of childhood. I feel bad for taking that away under a misguided attempt to make them “well-rounded”.
Redux says
This is a really helpful comment, thank you for sharing this insight from your kiddos about doing activities for the joy of it, not for the achievement. I’ve found that even with the best of intentions, it’s actually really hard to find. Maybe it’s this particular moment in our culture but I feel like everything we try is geared toward leveling up and not exploration. We’ve quit two dance studios, a gymnastics school and a soccer club because they were too competitive.
Anon says
I’m more anti-activity than many on this board, but our philosophy about activities is that we only do what kid asks to do and if it stops being fun, we quit. Swimming lessons are the exception for safety reasons, but I would wait until older than 6 to force that and I wouldn’t make an issue of the test.
Cb says
I always thought I’d be pro-activity but I’m realising that as a family, we don’t like to have to be someplace at a set time. We’re never late for school or for playdates etc (and wouldn’t inconvenience anyone by doing so) but the idea of having to be at activities at a set time multiple times a week sounds like a slog…what if we just wanted to hang out and read stories or do Lego? Or have an impromptu meet up with a friend?
Spirograph says
Yes, I did a ton of activities as a kid and figured I’d want to do the same. But now that my kids are the age where activities are all the rage, I realize (and appreciate) just how much of a commitment that was for my mom! She was a SAHM and I am not. I really don’t like finishing up a day or week of work, and then still having a second shift of manage people’s schedules and getting places on time. My husband is more OK with this than I am and handles a lot of the running around, but even if I’m not the one getting a kiddo to sport at 8am on a Saturday, that’s still messing with our ability to make a spur-of-the-moment decision to do stuff as a family like go for a hike because the weather’s beautiful, or meet up with friends or whatever. We have a couple more weeks in an activity wrapping up for the season and then nothing all summer, and I can’t wait!
For the OP, your concern about swimming is valid as a safety thing, but I would let any other activities go unless/until your daughter initiates. She almost certainly will when friends, or a book, or a TV show, or whatever sparks her interest. Offer, don’t force. Don’t make yourself beholden to activity schedules if she’s not asking for it!
Anon says
That part actually hasn’t been too bad, although we only have one kid. I can see how it gets super stressful when you have two or three kids heading to different activities.
Anonymous says
Kid 1: wants to do absolutely everything, never complains. Signs up with friends. If she tells me she doesn’t want to do an activity anymore, I have her see it through the season and let her quit. This has happened once, ever. We regularly work to prune down her activities.
Kid 2: loves what she loves, hates what she doesn’t love. This one is trickier to balance because she also is fickle. She likes the “newness” of something, but gets bored easily and doesn’t like to practice. She likes soccer games but not drills. She begged for piano until it got hard. She loved t-ball and hated softball (too boring, too hot). She begged for tennis lessons then hated it after 3 lessons. Begged for gymnastics then just doesn’t participate unless she’s “in the right mood.”
What she has asked for is to do aftercare, which (1) we don’t need (2) she can’t possibly make it 7am-6pm; she is fried when she gets home at 3! And (3) has a year long waitlist. I think she just wants to come home and play everyday and I’m okay with that, but she doesnt.
I have convinced her to do one more year (she’s going into 2nd) of soccer, which she claims to hate but is the best on her team, by helping to coach her team next year. She’s dropping gymnastics but sticking with dance. We are tbd on piano as she claims to still want to do it but I’m not sure I can handle the fighting over practicing. She’s talking a big game about ski lessons (she can already ski, she wants to race) and I settled on buying an Epic pass for the family and telling her she can try snowboarding this winter when we go away for long weekends.
anonM says
Your kiddo sounds lovely and well-adjusted. I think we all want the absolute best for our kids, but they are their own little beings. Why do you want her to be working toward the green band specifically? Why do you want her to try multiple activities? Maybe there is another way you can have her meet those goals, but in a way that is more organic and positive for her. I know you said no chores, but maybe you can involve her in more responsibilities at home. Can she work toward making a whole (easy) meal herself? Can she help with a home improvement project? You may be really right on this being a confidence thing. But, maybe letting her explore and gain confidence longer at home/low pressure will set the stage for her to do better later in a more formal/competitive environment. She may not have the same experience as you, but she can still be a really motivated, great kid! Deep breaths, you sound like a great mom who is really trying to give her daughter wonderful experiences.
OP says
Thank you, this is very kind and much appreciated. We do need to work on giving her more responsibilities at home. She’s very good with this at school but we probably do too much for her. I’ll think about this!
Anon says
I haven’t read through all the responses, but I have a kid like this, and she didn’t really get into group activities until she was a few years older. She got invested/stuck to activities starting around age 9, mostly b/c she wanted to do the same activities as her friends. We live in an area where it seems like kids are already “specialized” in sports/activities by age 5 (ick) so I will admit I did worry she’d never stick to an activity when she was younger, but I’ve spent most of my life around very competitive athletes (including Olympians), and for the most part, they didn’t get started with their sports until 13+. In fact, I was having this conversation with my uncle last weekend, as my adult cousin is still doing his preferred activity at a very high level, and it turns out he didn’t even discover it until he was in like 6th grade.
Also, a lot of the relationships to activities is intrinsic. My daughter loves being on a team with friends for the social aspect, but isn’t really motivated to do the actual “sport”. For instance, she loves practice because she sees her friends, but doesn’t care to go outside and practice on her own in the backyard. My son and younger daughter, on the other hand, will practice their sports, all day every day, to the exclusion of things like eating, sleeping, or school…I try my best to follow everyone’s lead, with appropriate guardrails (older daughter needs to have one activity during the school year to keep her off screens – but it can be absolutely anything she wants – she loved chess club last year for instance, and other sports oriented kids can only play one sport per season :). We also implemented the “don’t quit mid season” rule, but even that didn’t start until they were older.
DLC says
What can she do with a green band that she can’t do without?
If having her learn to swim independently is that important, I think saying “no green band, no pool” is a perfectly fine policy to have with your child. Or if she doesn’t have a green band she needs to wear a floatation device. I think every family gets to choose their safety parameters. How would that decision affect the rest of the family? Does she have siblings?
OP says
Without the green band, she can’t get more than arms length away from me (and the lifeguards strictly enforce this). This means that I’m tied to her in the pool, which is fine when it’s just me and her but not as fine when her little sister (2 yo) is with us. I can’t really play with 6 yo and she can’t do what she wants to, for example, moving to the other end of the pool when her little sister wants to sit on the steps. Its not like this is a huge issue–I just tell her no and she accepts it–but it would be great if she could move more independently and I could focus on her little sister (who loves the water and thinks she can already swim :) ). Also, it really is a safety issue for me. We live in the south and swimming is a part of summer life. I want her to have basic swimming skills. I also just want her to have the confidence that she can practice something and learn to do something that may seem hard at first.
DLC says
Ah. Makes sense. I think it’s fine to let the green band go- whether or not she can swim is something separate from whether or not she has a green band, and it sounds like you’re being supportive of her learning to swim and have a good time in the pool green band or not. Focussing on the green band strikes me similar to focussing on getting an A in school rather than the learning.
Anon says
I found The Self Driven child to be incredibly helpful.
OP says
Thanks, I’ll look that up!
Anon says
Seems like you’re not just concerned but are annoyed at your kid not being a joiner / not being more like you – she can probably read that and may be reacting to it. What you see as “motivating” she may be feeling as pressure. Maybe try for six months or a year to back way way off however you are encouraging her to join and participate in activities and see what happens?
Anon says
Make her learn to swim for safety reasons with private lessons. Passing the swim test is optional. The main reason to require passing the swim test in addition to just learning to swim is because it’s an inconvenience for you. She could be a really strong swimmer and never take the test.
See also: I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old in private lessons and this is the stance I’m taking. I desperately want them to pass the swim test but if they don’t want to take it, we will stay attached by an arm in the pool.
Postpartum says
I’m 6 months postpartum – having really bad body image issues. Trying to give myself grace. Haven’t been able to consistently workout – still breastfeeding working full time. Any ideas or ways that other have made progress in this area? Thanks in advance!
Aunt Jamesina says
Right there with you! I’m almost six months pp and have worked out exactly zero times. Work is a bit crazy and I’ve been prioritizing sleep for now. Now that the weather is nice, I’ve been taking walks for around 30-45 minutes most evenings, which counts for something, right? I’m trying not to stress about it (easier said than done!). Once I’m ready, I’m going to start one of my Fitness Blender workout programs for no more than 20 minutes per day to start. I just don’t have bandwidth for anything more.
Anon says
I didn’t start feeling normal at all until 6 months. More normal at 9 months. I started working out by doing an Ab Rehab with Nancy Anderson Fit, which may be mild enough for you right now. It also was 15-20 min a day at first. In terms of weight loss, I also had luck with the Slim Down through Nancy Anderson. It was macro-based and had a meal plan. It was simple enough that you could do it with a little one and also has recommendations for breastfeeding. Give yourself grace– this is all hard.
Anonymous says
It is a marathon, not a sprint. I could not get really consistent about working out until my son was about 2.5 — not coincidentally, probably around the time night sleep got more consistent — and I didn’t loose the baby/weaning weight until he was 5. (Then I gained some back). Now he just turned 10 and I can’t even remember what size I was wearing when he was a couple months old. Will you care about this in 10 years? Would you really be happier today if your body was different or are you more mourning the loss of pre-parenthood you/your life? If the latter, let yourself grieve. It is a loss. It isn’t necessarily permanent – you will get your life back more as your baby gets older and less demanding – but you won’t ever be the same. That comes with great gifts but also losses.
Anon says
Have you bought some clothes that fit you, comfortably, not squeezing or pinching, at your current size (including undergarments)? Ideally some that make you feel fabulous? It’s such a basic thing, being comfortable in your own clothes, but it makes such a difference in my mental well-being.
I also make a point to focus on all the things my body can do and TBH avoid looking in full-length mirrors. And then I focus on incorporating movement into my day however I can. And look in awe at my baby and remind myself that I grew that, which is miraculous in its own right.
Pogo says
+1 to buying things in your correct size. Even if it is the largest size you’ve ever bought, even if you don’t want to be that size forever, just do it.
My second is almost 2 and I’m finally feeling on top of things enough to work out consistently again. I tried a bit when he was 1, but got derailed by illness a few times. You’re still early days; I will say with my first I was back to my normal size/shape/activity level much more around a year PP. B-feeding is like a second job, don’t kill yourself while you’re doing that too.
Anonymous says
+1 Get a few new pieces that you feel fabulous in. Then it is just baby steps. Sadly, it doesn’t happen overnight. If you have little bits of time, you might try some quick strength training videos. I lost so much strength while pregnant. I didn’t do that (but am lifting now 6.5 years later and love it!). I think it would have set me up really well to exercise more when I finally had more time (which was directly related to stopping pumping…) I have the Peloton Digital App, and they have strength workouts as short as 10 minutes. A few 5s, but those are pretty limited.
anonM says
Yes, give yourself some grace! Breastfeeding is a lot of time and effort, baby is probably not sleeping perfectly yet. And, for high-impact workouts in particular it can be good to wait (obviously this is personal, and depends on things like your birth, pelvic floor recovery, etc) so try to think of this in a much more long term way. I was eager to get “back” to where I was and then I think did more damage to my pelvic floor setting back my ability to exercise significantly. Also, while I did lose weight breastfeeding eventually, it was more at the 8 mo mark and then I felt horrible/tired! I didn’t start to feel more like “me” again until several months after stopping breastfeeding. So really, please focus on your overall, long-term health and remember that 6 mo is still really early. I look back on my body worries at that stage and wish I hadn’t spent so much mental energy on it — I know this is hindsight is 20/20, but give yourself the grace you’d give a friend! Even small things can make a big difference, too. Look up some pelvic-floor safe/specific core exercizes to start really rebuiling your core and strength — when I do them consistently even if it is just 10 minutes a day I can feel the difference.
Anon says
Do you have normal bras? Non- underwire nursing bras make feel schlumpy. Otherwise I’m right there with you. Maybe I need to find a zoom fitness class or something to get motivation to consistently exercise – it’s hard to carve out time that’s not a formal activity.
Waffles says
Hi and hugs. You are giving so much. Remember, you have to take care of yourself in order to take good care of others.
Can you get some additional sleeping time? Maybe make a habit of eating more fruit or taking a multivitamin? Go on a walk alone on the weekend (this would stack alone time and body health time)? I would try to focus on renewal and feeling strong for now.
In the meantime, little things like a new skincare product or haircut might help you feel more together. Getting a teeth cleaning, your nails done.
I remember eating food while breastfeeding and just feeling like a nonentity. Don’t — you are a star player.
Anon says
Has anyone here been to Legoland Florida? I’m considering it for my daughter’s 5th birthday trip in February. She’s Lego-obsessed and I’ve heard it’s a lot less stressful and crowded than Disney. There’s apparently also a small Peppa Pig theme park on the same property that I think she would really enjoy.
Or any other suggestions for a warm-ish place that would be fun for a newly 5 year old whose interests sure a bit young (see eg Peppa) ? It will just be us two, we’re coming from the Chicago area (so our bar for warm in February is very low) and are fine flying anywhere in the mainland US. Will probably have 4-5 days including travel days. Not Disney. I don’t think either of us would enjoy the crowds and lines and I’m not up for going there without another adult.
Anonymous says
At that age our kids enjoyed Legoland more than Disney exactly because it was less crowded/chaotic/overwhelming.
In terms of other locations – isn’t there a Sesame Street park in Florida or Georgia?
Anon says
I went to Legoland Kansas City and it was fun for my then 1YO and DH, but it was a half morning event at best, and that was with the mini aquarium attached to it. For a lego-obsessed kid, I imagine you can probably make a couple hours of it. My suggestion would be to pick a warm beach town in Florida, maybe Gulf side so the surf is more gentle. I took my 4YO solo to the beach (not FL, not gentle) this spring. To make it easy for me solo, we rented a beach-front hotel room with a kitchenette and would have rented an umbrella and chairs had they been available (we were too early in the season so had to cart our own). We walked on the beach in the morning either on the way to or back from breakfast to collect shells. Came back to our hotel room, got suited and sunscreened up, packed some snacks for a light lunch, and went down to the beach for a few hours (cheap bag of sand toys and a mini kick ball occupied her for a while and I was actually able to sit, watch and relax a bit rather than chase her). Came back, cleaned up and got changed, went to dinner. After dinner, stopped to either walk on the beach or get ice cream. Post dinner swim in the hotel pool, then showers then bed. We also spent a chilly morning at the local aquarium and took a boat ride to look for dolphins and a super windy afternoon at the mini golf course. Very relaxed and she still talks about it constantly.
Anonymous says
The are only three actual Legolands – in FL, CA, and I think NY. The other ones are”discovery centers” that are basically glorified stores. It’s a completely different experience. I would never expect to spend more than a half day at one of the store ones but the theme parks can easily fill a couple days with a kid that age.
Anon says
That makes so much more sense! I had heard about Legoland anecdotally and what we saw was definitely underwhelming!
OP says
Yeah we have one of those in the Chicago area, but I’ve heard the Florida one is a lot bigger and better. I was thinking one day at the theme park, one day at the water and one day at the Peppa park. All the parks have splash pads and we’ll definitely get a hotel with a pool and anything water-related will keep my kid happy even if the actual Lego stuff doesn’t hold her attention for long.
My kiddo would also enjoy the beach but I find that kind of a stressful thing to do solo because it’s so messy, and we have several beach trips planned for this year already so I think I’d prefer something else.
Anonymous says
Just throwing out that even if your bar for “warm” isn’t high, Florida can still be chilly in February. I’ve been in Feb several times, also coming from the Midwest, and have been disspointed on many occasions that it gets down to 40 at night and takes quite a while to warm up. I’m not sure anywhere else in the US is much better, but just mentioning it.
OP says
As long as it’s above freezing and we can get outside every day, it will be much better than home! My kid will likely go in pools/splash pads if the air temperature is above 65, which according to Google it should be.
EDAnon says
I grew up in Florida (central/Gulf Coast) and now live in the upper Midwest. While Feb has chilly times, it’s not cold. You probably won’t want to swim, but you can definitely be outside!
Anon says
Florida is a big state. The panhandle can be pretty chilly December-February. Orlando is usually pretty warm year-round, and Miami does not have anything resembling winter.
startup lawyer says
I just went to the NY legoland with my 2.5 year old recently and he definitely had a ton of fun. I would splurg on the VIP passes though. ALl of the rides have pretty limited seats (it’s like 6 kids can go on each of the most popular rides) and so the lines moved really slowly (this is maybe a NY legoland issue because it’s new but teh workers are very inefficient too). so we waited an hour for a few rides and it was a disaster for a 2.5 year old. the food is really expensive and terrible. but on the plus side, there are a bunch of elaborate lego displays around the park that you can see and take pictures with which it sounds like she might be really into
OP says
This is helpful, thanks!
SC says
My parents and husband took our then-6-year-old to Legoland Florida last September during our Hurricane Ida evacuation. I had to work. They all had a really good time. Given the time of year and the pandemic, they were practically the only ones there. Kiddo rode the same rides at the front of the park again and again, then got tired after lunch, so they were only there about 4 hours. They never made it to the back of the park where the roller coasters are. Everyone said they’d like to go back. They also agreed that an overnight trip with 2 days in the park would be better, since most young children don’t make it from opening to closing.
OP says
Thanks for the info!
Cb says
Just read this and it’s a really beautiful essay on raising children with childhoods very different from your own
https://lithub.com/reyna-grande-on-giving-her-kids-the-childhood-she-never-had/?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Lit%20Hub%20Daily:%20June%207%2C%202022&utm_term=lithub_weekly_master_list
Anonymous says
Thanks for posting, this really resonated with me. Similar background to the writer, though not quite as impoverished, and replace Sweet Valley High with the Babysitters Club. I’m going to add her book to my list.
Anon says
That was a great read!
Spirograph says
My family’s generational differences are not nearly as stark as the author’s, but I do often catch myself fixating on the way my kids’ experiences are different from my own. This essay is a beautiful and interesting, I’m going to have to check out more of her work. Thanks for sharing!
Pogo says
“There are moments when I feel that my children have gone to a place to which I cannot follow.” Oh man, I feel this.
Anonymous says
Thank you for sharing. This is really beautiful. Now I want to read all of Reyna’s books!
Anon says
I am an associate at a small lifestyle firm. I have been back from maternity leave for about a year. While I was pregnant, I pretty much stayed out of the office due to Covid. The firm was great about allowing me this accommodation, but I definitely was out of the loop on certain things and in retrospect, not really getting projects that were giving me great experience… but I was really fine with that due to a difficult pregnancy/Covid/etc. Once I got back into the office, I had a hard time getting back “in the loop” and getting projects that were really at my experience level and felt like I was getting mommy-tracked. I talked to the firm about this, and they agreed to put me on different projects with more responsibility. This is great… except since that change, we’ve had some type of illness in our house for about six weeks straight. In addition, I now seem to have someone almost always mad at me because they expected me to have experience doing the projects I’m now being asked to do, and I should have had that experience, but I don’t. I just don’t feel like I can catch up with this experience I missed out on if I am constantly missing work because of some illness. Part of me feels like I need a new job (maybe in-house), but part of me feels like some of these problems are just due to being in a difficult seasons and I should just tough it out. Does this get better or should I move on?
Anonymous says
Unfortunately, some law firms have an expectation that you’ll have complete childcare coverage, including backup care when someone is sick. That doesn’t work as well in our Covid world as it used to, but it could still be an unreasonable expectation they’re putting on you. You might need to make some changes at home so you can put in a period of serious focus at work — can you get a nanny if you’re using a daycare center, or rely on family members for backup care more than you have been? I know it sucks, and I say this as someone that left a law firm in part because of childcare problems, but if you want to be successful at your firm this may be a cost of admission.
OP says
We don’t have local family, but I’m not sure our families would be that helpful even if they were local. A lot of our illness over the past month has made me sick as well, so it’s not just time out of daycare. Like I think DS missed two days of daycare + a Covid quarantine during that period, whereas I was sick for about two weeks straight and couldn’t work part of that time… and then had a Covid quarantine. Being as sick as I was, I was working limited hours and couldn’t work late to make up work during the Covid quarantine, etc.
But yes, my firm has several women with children that are partners. The most successful of them has local, very supportive family.
Hmmm says
You don’t have to give in to unreasonable unwritten expectations like this. You aren’t going to have backup care every single time someone is sick. If your firm expects that, I would definitely find a new job. There’s no reason to continue to perpetuate this kind of culture (which let’s be honest, is based entirely on the idea that there is a stay at home mom in the situation.) I can’t tell from your question whether that’s actually what is happening – but if the expectation is that you can’t stay home with a sick kid when needed, I would run away.
As far as the lack of experience – When you say people are mad at you, are they expressing that they are? Is it possible that you are feeling insecure about your lack of experience and projecting that onto their reactions?
I do think in a law firm there is a lot of “fake it til you make it”. If you haven’t done something before, I wouldn’t necessarily say that. Obviously it’s context-dependent, but I think the goal should be to try to make it look like you *have* done it before even if you haven’t if that’s at all possible.
OP says
No– to clarify, I am absolutely not expected to have backup care every time kid is sick. I agree that is completely ridiculous, and I would not hesitate to leave that environment. . On days where kid is sick, DH and I typically both stay home and do half days, then I finish up anything that actually has to get done once DS is in bed. So this means I may be billing like 5 hours that day. That’s fine every once and a while… I’ve just been doing that for about six weeks now. Like I feel like I am pretty much working part time. No one has told me they are upset with my hours, etc. I think they would be upset if I was missing deadlines or having to frequently reschedule depositions, but that is not something I have had to do.
I think a little bit of both. I just feel stuck. Normally, if I was “faking it” on a project, I would spend extra time teaching myself how to do the project that I wouldn’t necessarily bill. But, I don’t really have time to do that at the moment.
Realist says
Do you have a mentor or champion at your firm that you trust? If so, I would discuss this with them. Even if the answer is a new job, maybe the time for that is a year or so away after all the initial daycare illnesses pass. Nothing wrong with coasting for now if you aren’t in danger of being let go.
OP says
Thanks, I guess I’m afraid that if I coast, it is going to make it harder for me to leave because I won’t have the skills I need to have? And yes, I’m also afraid that if I leave now, then I’m then trying to start a new job and make a good impression in the middle of all of these daycare illnesses.
My mentor pulled strings to get me better projects with a different set of partners… before this string of illness, so I am afraid of going back at this point and saying it didn’t work.
Realist says
I wonder if talking to a therapist or career coach would help you. From my perspective, if you graduated law school and worked a few years in a boutique firm you almost certainly have plenty of skills for plenty of good jobs. So you can switch jobs in a year or two without losing much. You aren’t going to lose all your skills just by coasting for a bit. You might not be setting yourself up for a 40 under 40 list by coasting or whatever but who cares? Or maybe you do care and in that case maybe it would help to speak to an outside party of what your goals look like now, which might be very different than they looked before you were a mom. Which can be hard because change is always hard.
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I’m getting a vibe of self-imposed expectations that are likely just impossible to meet right now, which seem to be causing you anxiety. Beating yourself up over achieving something that isn’t possible isn’t going to do you any favors.
SM says
What is your practice area and what sort of experience are you concerned that you’re missing out on?
OP says
I work in an area of litigation that has a large amount of expert discovery, which is typically something our firm doesn’t involve associates in until about my experience level, so I just don’t have pre-pregnancy experience in this area. Recently, an older partner told me he thought I didn’t want to do expert discovery because it involved a lot of travel….. However, since 2020, this work has been primarily on Zoom, the amount of travel is nowhere near pre-Covid levels, and never will be again.
SC says
Based on your follow-up posts, I think this is a case of a tough season and bad timing. You were sick enough to be unable to work for 2 weeks–that’s just a tough season. It came soon after asking to be given more responsibility–that’s unfortunate timing. In the long run, things do get better–the number of daycare illnesses drops each year, and the amount of work you miss decreases. You don’t need to change jobs because you’ve been sick yourself. And if you still want to do the work, you likely haven’t missed your chance, and you don’t have to coast.
If you still want the responsibility and experience at your current job, I’d talk to the people you work for again. You can say that you’ve recovered from several weeks of illness, and you’re ready now to focus on these new projects. You don’t have to mention daycare illnesses–you yourself were sick, and there’s no real way to verify the source of contagion, even if you have your suspicions. As far as experience goes, there’s a lot of fake it til you make it.
Anon says
Sounds like you’ve made a good structural change but then had a strong of bad luck. What about waiting 3-6 months to see what happens? Even if you have kid sicknesses, it’s unlikely you’ll have another sickness that knocks you out for multiple weeks and you can try to dig in and see if you can get people’s attitude turned around or at least get some of the experience you have missed so you are better situated if you leave.
anon says
I hate to say it, but I found I couldn’t sustain working at a firm with day care illnesses. My kids caught absolutely everything and then my husband and I did too. We ended up moving to an au pair/nanny situation. My quality of life and work product improved leaps. I felt like a whole new human. I wasn’t always sick. My kid wasn’t always sick. I didn’t have to rush for morning drop off and pick up. It was expensive, but what needed to happen for me to succeed at a firm.
Rather than beating yourself up about work, consider if you need different childcare. Just because daycare works for others, doesn’t mean it’s the right fit for you or your family.
Anon says
Good morning! I am 26 weeks pregnant with my first child and just moved from Large City to a suburb that is 45-75 min away, depending on traffic (rush hour can be BAD). My OB’s office has a location near me in the suburbs, in addition to its Large City location, but only delivers at Major Large City Hospital. To deliver at a hospital near me (~12 min drive) I would have to switch OB practices. I like my OB but am nervous about the hospital being so far. In an emergency I would obviously go to a nearby hospital. WWYD?
anonM says
I’d switch asap so you have time to get to know the new OB/practice and make sure you like them for delivery. There can be so many appointments in the last few weeks, and having a close-by OB would be convenient. Even non-emergency I wouldn’t have wanted to be sitting nervously in a car for that long in labor.
OP says
My OB has a location near me for those weekly appointments
Anon says
I’d be inclined to switch because odds are your OB won’t deliver your baby anyway, so I’d just do what is most convenient. But I will say that not everyone lives super close to a hospital and people make it work. The nearest hospital to me can be 30-40 minutes in traffic. I was induced so I never had the experience of driving to the hospital in labor but people do it. First babies rarely come super fast.
Anon says
I’d switch if they will let you join that late but odds are very good you will make it to the hospital for first birth. Having contractions in traffic for that long is another story, but you’d probably make it in time.
As another person said it will also be a massive inconvenience when you get down to once a week appointments.
OP says
My OB has a location near me for appointments, only have to go to Large City for actual delivery
Anon says
In my city, you would have a really difficult time getting into a well-respected OB practice this late. The practices near us that are more popular typically have several month waitlists for new appts. So, the decision may be made for you. But, I guess I have a few questions: (1) Do high-risk pregnancies run in your family? Which hospital is better for high-risk pregnancies? (If you are high risk, you will likely be induced so location doesn’t really matter. (2) Which hospital has a better NICU? (3) Which hospital would you prefer to give birth at and which has better facilities? (4) Will it be an issue if you are in the hospital for 3-4 days that far from home? Like, will DH need to run back and forth to feed a dog, etc.?
Anon says
Switch if you want to be closer but an hour drive wouldn’t be the worst thing. I’d read up on which hospital is better to deliver at. The OB may not matter as much as nursing staff, etc.
Anonymous says
Agree. I’d base this off of where you want to deliver at. I chose a hospital further away becuase it had the best NICU in my city. We thankfully didn’t need it, but I felt comforted knowing that it was there. And also if there were major issues with kiddo, she would have been transferred there anyway as a matter of protocol. And depending on where I was at in my recovery, I might not have necessarily been able to go along immediately.
ElisaR says
my personal opinion would be to stick with your doctor and deliver in the big city. first babies can take awhile.
Anon says
someone posted recently about their 4 year old who wanted to quit soccer because another kid had the same name. any updates? i have twin 4 year olds and we had the opposite problem on the first day of camp – there is another kid with Twin A’s first name, so for anything with their name it has first name, last initial, like Olivia K and Olivia G. Well Twin B is the only one in the group with her first name, so all of her name signs just have her first name and no last initial and she is upset because she wants a last initial too. oh to be 4!
Anon says
Hahaha oh man, 4 year olds are a trip!
That was me. We did end up letting her quit. I think the name was what was really bothering her, but she was also complaining about being bored and in her defense the class did seem super boring. My kid is in no way a soccer prodigy, but she was learning nothing because even after three or four classes it was basically just 10 minutes of warming up, then letting each kid kick a goal without interference, then done. We’ve done this class on and off since she was 2 and this curriculum makes sense for 2 year olds but I thought there’d be more to it at 4-5?
In our case, it wasn’t even the exact same name! It was Olive and Olivia but she still couldn’t handle the similarity.
Anon says
I live in hope that one day my twins will figure out that it’s okay that everything is not exactly the same for them. We had meltdowns this morning because only one needed to get covid-tested before school. *facepalm*
Hot Mess Express says
Need to scream in to the void for a moment.
Background: I just took a Big Promotion. It’s a high profile role, somewhat business development (think Big Law Partner, but transactional finance) and I’m the only woman in the company (market?) in this seat. I’m insanely proud. I am married, 37, and have a 4 year old. I’ve been in fertility treatments for …mmm… 2.5 years? I pursued the Big Promotion because I’m tired of putting off life while we work though this horrific fertility slog (2 MCs, 1 ectopic, countless indescribable let downs) and the timing was just as such that it was now or never. I have six genetically normal embryos on ice (making embryos is not my issue – my uterus is just angry, it would seem).
Big Promotion went in to effect yesterday. Announced today. We’re doing press and the whole nine yards. My fertility treatments are such that my next embryo transfer would be mid July, so, if it works – and we all think there’s a decent probability given a number of factors – I’ll be pregnant and giving birth within a year of Big Promotion. I’m so fearful this will hurt my career trajectory, and the momentum from building this new team that I’m at the head of. For example, how do I show up to a BD meeting, ask for business with a belly, saying I’ll work my a s s off on the deal, all while the elephant in the room being that I’m going to be out and on leave with a newborn while the deal is in process, if that makes sense? So now I’m for the first time – EVER – thinking, life wouldn’t be so bad with just one kiddo, so why not just take bird and hand and get on with life in general. But the other side of me is like WTF you never wanted one kid, and family will be around far longer than this job…
My husband is wonderful at helping me talk through this, but he’s also deferring to me ultimately, which I get. I think the sane part of me knows that it’s been 2.5 years with no live birth and, gently (to myself?), the odds are not in my favor so just keep on keeping on, don’t delay the next IVF transfer. I don’t want to give birth after 40. I’m overweight as it is (thanks medical crap) and really want to put ME first, for the first time in literally years – get healthy, lean in hard in to my job, etc.
I’m a freaking mess and I don’t know what I’m asking. How would you consider career vs kid at this point? It feels like an impossible choice. FWIW, I do have a team but I am 100% the face of the team and the face that would be bringing business in/executing so it’s not quite as straight forward as just laying business off while I’m on leave.
SC says
If you are 37 and have been trying for 2.5 years and want a baby, I would prioritize having a kid. That doesn’t mean you can’t also knock it out of the park in your new role. (Congratulations!) If you have a baby after almost a year in this new role, you will figure out the work with your team.
Anonymous says
Do you have to make a forever decision right now? Can you give yourself 3-6 months away from the fertility slog and do what you’ve mentioned – get healthy and lean in on the work front (though I note that I can never do both of those at the same time), and then re-evaluate? Maybe pull the goalie in case things happen on their own in the interim?
NYCer says
+1. We never had fertility issues, so take this with a grain of salt, but it seems like waiting a few months for the embryo transfer wouldn’t make that much of a difference in the grand scheme and would give you a chance to see how the new role is going, etc.
Anon says
Congrats on the promotion! I think you if you really want a second child you shouldn’t let the new job stop your efforts, but if you think you might be fulfilled with one, that’s a completely valid choice. I’m a really happy only child who has one child by choice and I know a couple others on this board are in the same boat. My mom was OAD party for career reasons and I’ve never resented her choosing not to have a second kid or felt deprived of anything. On the contrary, I’m very aware of all things my parents were able to give me precisely because they stopped at one – more financial support (including private college in full, which was a huge gift), more one on one time with them and an amazing working mom role model (my mom made huge career sacrifices to be home with me from birth to elementary school, leaned in hard when I was in middle school, and achieved a huge promotion in her late 60s). Everything in life involves trade-offs and there’s nothing inherently better about a childhood with siblings than a childhood without.
Anonymous says
This was my husband’s experience, exactly. His mom had a career and he was her OAD. I was one of 3 with a SAHM and a dad with a Big Job. There are trade offs on both sides but fwiw we have 3 kids and two medium sized jobs.
Anonymous says
So, I’m sure there are others who will have had a negative experience, but I just have to say that when I was pregnant, my clients (including some new clients) where SO excited for me. With respect to business, they felt confident that a team of individuals worked on their projects. So I just don’t think they were concerned. They knew competent people were there to handle things while I was gone. If you’re worried, I’d suggest maybe taking the person with you to meetings who will cover while you’re gone. But, also, if you don’t want another child, I fully support that. I’m not trying to convince you either way. Just saying that people, including clients, will likely support you more than you realize.
Anon. says
Agreed. I have some pretty hilarious stories about pitching new business while 8 months pregnant (like the dude who made us all take the stairs at their office because he refused to ride in elevators with women in their third trimester – did not win that one). But overall, my clients and coworkers were very supportive of me. We spent a lot of time pitching the value of the team and it worked.
Pogo says
That’s a good point. People tend to really open up and let their humanity through when it comes to children. Even old German dudes would get all excited and start talking about their grandkids when they found out I was pregnant, exactly while trying to do business development with them. In that case, the bar was very low because Europeans can take off like 2 years, so when I said I would only be out 4mos they weren’t worried lol.
Anon says
first of all, congrats on the promotion!!!!! how amazing!!! and hugs to you that this amazing accomplishment is being mixed with all of this hard stuff – i hope you take some time to celebrate! (apologies in advance for the novel)
this is the part where being a woman is HARD and why it would be so much better if all companies and all men took paternity leave because as long as women are the only ones carrying the children, we are the ones who will have career repercussions. so a few ideas – i don’t know how much a year in this new role matters vs. 10 months, but could you delay the transfer a couple of months so you’d hopefully be in the role for a year by the time of birth? obviously every birth is different, but how were you postpartum after your first? what kind of childcare do you have? i’m assuming based on this big role (and i realize this is me making assumptions) that you can afford a lot of help? if you get pregnant and have the baby can you hire a night nurse for like 6 months? and have additional help while you are pregnant? what would you say to a friend in your shoes? a colleague? a mentee? also, what if (and i realize given your medical history this probably wouldn’t happen), you got pregnant accidentally – like it does happen to people and they cannot always time it exactly with work milestones. A myriad of things could happen after any big promotion – you could g-d forbid get sick, your partner could, your child could, etc. and I understand that conceiving this child feels different because it feels like you are making the active choice whereas you’d have no control over those other things I mentioned. On the flip side – you always wanted 2 kids and if you no longer do, that is ok too. Could you freeze the embryos and wait a year to transfer? You’d be 38 then so you’d still have some time until 40. have you decided how many more times you will try? will you use up all 6 embryos? also, if you don’t already have a therapist, now might be a good time to find one, just to have someone in your corner. good luck! sending lots of hugs and congrats your way!
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1 to all of this! OP, congratulations on the new job, that is incredible! I think either decision you make re: 1 or 2 kids will be great, and it does sound like you have the resources to gets lots of childcare help if needed.
OP says
Thank you, all. Immediately after I posted I ran out to a lunch in a bad headspace, but came back to many great responses.
Two things really resonated – the concept of choice and how it feels like a choice to me whereas Disruptive Life Events seem to rarely be a choice, and the world still goes on when Disruptive Life Events happen. Also, what advice would I give a friend? I’d say, “Friend, I love you, but your track record is not good with transfers. Keep expectations low, but don’t delay treatments any longer, and certainly not for work.” [Context I didn’t provide in the OP: after the recent ectopic I already took 4-5 months off from this mess for some breathing room, which I needed but is also sort of what made all of this timing align the way it is, too.].
Thank you, all. I’ve been near tears a few times today feeling the pressure of all the things. This has been most helpful.
Pogo says
big hugs. There is another aspect of IVF – even when you aren’t super successful in your track record – of REALLY TRYING SUPER HARD for a baby, in a way that ‘normal’ pregnancies don’t have. I thought about this yesterday. Like if I were not an Infertile, I could just get oopsie pregnant and that would be that. But because it involves 6 months and countless procedures and paperwork and insurance it feels so deliberate in a way that ‘normal’ pregnancies don’t, and I think we put more pressure on ourselves because of that. Like if I go through the effort of another IVF transfer, I’m making this super serious permanent decision that people don’t make when they’re “just trying” the normal way.
anyway that is to say, reproductive health for all, it is very complicated and you are allowed to feel however you feel about having babies or not having babies, and we should all have our choices.
anon says
Huge congratulations to you on the Big Job! Press release and all!
I’m in a similar boat as you, just one level down, going through fertility treatments and navigating a big role. From my perspective: you’re killing it! And yes, it’s so nerve-wracking to be going through it, but with the right kind of support you will succeed. The payoff is huge – growing your family, inspiring other women in a male-dominated industry and achieving personal goals. It can totally suck being in a male dominated career environment, but own it – let your work speak for itself and do what men do – come into the room confidently and take time off just like they would. Does this position come with admin support? Get one to help you block calendars for medical appointments discreetly, remind you to eat lunch and overall help you. An average to good one will go a long way. I took a slight break after MC to focus on my health a little bit, started tracking what I eat, added more veggies, stopped eating after dinner, weigh myself daily and drink more water (it’s called 2B mindset) and in a short time, I focused wayyy less on my body and how it wasn’t making a baby. So maybe just take a month or two off from the treatments, take some time for “self care” – however that looks for you – and line up the support you need to be successful in these areas. And above all else, set the bar LOW. You got this!
Anon says
Just coming here to say, as a woman in Finance (now corporate), congrats on your promotion! I understand the nuances you’re going through, and also, I had a similar situation about 5 years ago. After countless MCs and complications and starting to seriously think about OAD, literally the same week I got a Big Promotion, I found out I was expecting my second as a surprise. I had been with the company for a while, so had a good reputation built up both internally and with clients. Yes I did get the occasional annoying remark from clueless men and women (and I obsessed over those) but I had enough allies on both sides of the table that they didn’t matter much at the end of the day. I went out on leave, all items were handled, and I came back to a glowing review at the end of the year.
I still had many existential thoughts about careers and motherhood and ended up leaving to go to corporate finance, which I still think was the right move for me. But I wouldn’t have wanted to change family plans for a job that I ultimately ended up leaving. As many above have said, all sorts of Disruptive Life Events can happen without warning and your company (and career) will figure out ways to adapt. Take some time to explore your hesitations, and go with your gut. Either way, you will adapt.
Anonymous says
I’m renting a movie theater for my daughter’s 6th bday party. We can bring in the movie.
Suggestions for a crowd pleaser for boys and girls 6-8? Descendants is her fave but sorta girly (yes, boys could like it too but I’m looking for something eveyone will be *excited* about). Toy story would be good. My daughter is suggesting Disney’s Sword in the Stone which is our family’s absolute favorite but I’m not sure how much other kids will like it (it’s kinda slow).
Anonymous says
We are big fans of sing and sing 2 for that age group. Despicable me (and sequels), too.
Anonymous says
OP here and I was just thinking about Sing. Then they can get up and dance!
Anon says
My 4 year old made me watch the farting scene in Sing approximately 2 billion times.
FP says
Can you stream a movie? The new Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers movie on Disney+ held my kids attention along with our neighbors who are older late elementary kids.
Anonymous says
Actually, I don’t know! If it’s streamable I bet I could get a dvd copy somewhere. Party isn’t until early august.
Anon says
There’s a kid in my child’s preschool class who my son refers to as a bully. Son has been saying this other child is a bully for a couple of months. I haven’t said anything to the teachers because they’re 3 and 4 year olds and I don’t think there’s actual bullying going on, but it sounds like the other child is a bit pushy and wild and not a great influence on my kid. Over the summer, the school is going to put together classes for next year. Should I request that my son *not* be with this other child or is that going too far? Fwiw, I would probably just say that it seems the kids don’t mesh well.
Anon says
My concern in this scenario would be the teachers, not the other child. If a 3 year old is refusing to a child as a bully, it’s because they heard an adult apply the same label to the child, which is pretty gross. But to answer your question, no I would not request your son be in a different class.
Anon says
*referring to
Spirograph says
Oh that’s a good point. I hope the son got the idea from general discussion of bullying and didn’t hear an adult apply it to a particular child! I’m pretty sure our preschool talked about bullying. I know it’s part of the social curriculum in early elementary school.
OP says
Yeah, I’m pretty sure my kid has taken the term bully from books he’s read and not from a teacher (although I’m not there all the time, so I can’t be sure). I’ve asked lots of pointed questions over the past few months and I think the other child just big and loud and not a great fit. Hopefully the teachers recognize that.
Anon says
+1 to not requesting to be in a different class. It’s possible that kid’s parent has called them a bully and your son overheard. I’ve seen some parents at pick-up loudly say “you’re so mean” or “stop being a bully” to their kid while signing an incident report from earlier that day. I would hope most teachers and aides have enough awareness to not label a kid.
Spirograph says
I would not make that request, but I might ask if the teachers what they’ve observed about the dynamic with your son and the other child. If there’s significant strife and/or they bring out the worst in each other, I’m sure the teachers have noticed and will separate them without your intervention. If not, there’s no reason not to let the chips fall where they may. Kids won’t always get along with everyone in their class. Also, they might have grown out of it by next year *shrug*
I’m sure you do this, but I would also ask specific questions about what the kid does that makes your son think he is “a bully.” And if it’s not repeated, mean-spirited, targeted behavior, I would gently correct the terminology the child is using and say it’s OK to just not like playing with someone because you don’t like how he plays, but it’s not nice to label people. This is a nuance that is almost certainly lost on a 3-4 year old, but starting planting the idea early never hurts. (If it *is* bullying behavior, I would raise that with the teachers!)
NYCer says
I would probably ask the current teachers about the dynamics between your son and the other little boy. If they are constantly fighting, etc., I guess I am in the minority here, but I would request that they are separated next year. Yes, there will always be kids that don’t get along, but I have observed two of my preschool aged daughter’s friends who bring out the “worst” in each other. I use worst in a light way FWIW – I know that no 3yo is actually the worst, but both of these kids are definitely way, way better behaved separately than when they are together.
Anon says
Not a parenting question, but has anyone built an enclosed outdoor space like a screened in porch or a sunroom onto their house? We’re finally tearing down our never-used deck and want to replace it with something but are having a hard time deciding what to build. Screened in porch would be a lot cheaper and I think would solve the main reason we never use the deck (bugs) but ultimately I think I really want a sunroom so it probably doesn’t make sense to build something that’s not really what I want. And would you build a separate outdoor patio space? We don’t entertain much and have never really used the grill we bought years ago, so I’m not sure we really need one but it also seems weird to have no outdoor sitting area. Resale value is not a factor – we’ll almost certainly live in this house for several more decades.
Anonymous says
I am definitely a screened in porch person. Our house has a screened in porch on the back of the attached garage. There’s a small patio (maybe 6’x6′) just outside the porch door to the outside, partially covered by a roof overhang. Our grill lives there. I think if you have a screened in porch, and you never use the deck because of bugs, you’re not going to want to sit on a patio. We haven’t entertained much in 2 years because of Covid, so the porch is enough for us right now (loveseat + wicker armchairs,coffee table, plant stand, and comfortable room for 2-3 more folding chairs, maybe a couple more if people are willing to squeeze. We’re in the upper Midwest, and sitting outside in the summer during the evening requires a ton of bug spray, a breeze, and/or a fire pit going because of the bugs. I’ve always found sun rooms to be too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter. I might not be able to use my porch in January, but I’m out there almost every day from May-September.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi there – so we bought our house with a screened in porch and it’s the best thing ever. Caveat that we live in a subtropical climate where summers are hot, swampy, and long (think NOLA), so it can easily get a ton of use year-round. In the summer we can actually sit outside in evenings and mornings (and pull one of the curtains + run fans to keep room cooler) and it’s just so great year-round for regular use. We also have a TV in the sunroom, and DH loves watching sports stuff on it.
Anon says
the house i grew up in (suburbs of DC) had a screened in porch and we used it daily in spring, summer and fall. in fact my parents later expanded it in size. i think it in part depends on where you live, if you like feeling fresh air or not
Anonymous says
This. We’re in DC suburbs and while we just have a patio (which is fine!) I’d love a screened in porch one day. Added bonus is you can sleep there if the power goes (which it used to a lot more frequently here).
SC says
My house has a sunroom that was added onto the house by previous owners. It is my favorite room in the house and a huge part of why I bought the house. I love sitting in the sunroom in the mornings, either reading or talking on the phone to my mom. I practice yoga there, when I’m in a yoga phase. We also use it as an adult seating area, particularly after our son goes to bed because it’s further from his room than the living room. I’d estimate that I use the sunroom 3-5 times per week on average.
We do have an outdoor seating area in our backyard, under a pergola covered with star jasmine. We used it a fair amount in 2020 and 2021, when we were socializing outdoors only. Normally, though, I’d estimate that we sit outside 2-3 times per month. We very rarely grill. Some of this is the setup–the back door is pretty far away from the kitchen, so it’s awkward to carry dishes in and out. I think we’d cook and eat outside a lot more if we had an outdoor patio adjacent to the kitchen. We’ve thought about adding a small outdoor patio in our side yard so we could come and go from the kitchen, but that would involve significant landscaping, and it’s way down the priority list.
If you want a sunroom, that gets my vote!
Pogo says
same, our previous homeowners got a fully-built sunroom added on. We use it 3 seasons in the Northeast. I also love how it lets so much light into our den. My favorite times are weekend breakfasts in there, or any night after the kids are in bed with DH, drinking wine and listening to music with just the string lights on. It also leads to our deck/hot tub so it’s a great place to store towels, grilling equip, etc, such that it’s not exactly IN the house cluttering things up but also not way out in the shed.
Meg says
We put in EZBreeze windows when our screens needed replacing on our screened in porch and love them. Most of the time, it’s a screen porch, but we can close off when it’s cooler (with a heater) and still use well into the late fall, and also keep out pollen, etc. worth looking into!
Anonymous says
Where we live, bugs prevent us from using outdoor space for much of the year. I’d have a screened porch with a small patio adjacent for the grill and some seating around a portable firepit.
I would never have a sunroom. I always find them hot, stuffy, and unpleasant and would never use it.
Anonymous says
We have a screened in porch and love it. We are in the process of buying a house with a deck only and will likely enclose it within a year or two. If you have a sunroom, I’d still want a patio. A sunroom is still indoors. If you have a porch, I don’t think you need it, but it could be nice. Our porch is big enough for a sofa and couple chairs OR a dining table with chairs. We don’t have a patio but often wish we did so that we could put a table somewhere. (I mean, in a perfect world, we’d have a screened in porch big enough for both and including a gas fireplace at the end with the sofa/chairs).
Anon says
My parents built a sunroom onto their house and I loved it so much. The big windows opened for breezes, and it felt so sunny and cozy.
However, my parents both regretted it and wished they’d gone for just a screened in porch. To me, a sunroom will always be superior (I don’t like being cold and sunrooms get really warm, maybe? I am also very much an indoor creature and sunrooms feel more finished with fewer creepy crawlies ) but this is a “know yourself” decision.
anon says
I had our 5 year old son evaluated for occupational therapy at his pre-K teacher’s recommendation and the evaluation indicates he’s 1.5 years behind in several gross/fine motor skill categories. I knew there were a few issues, but I was a kind of shocked. We are of course going to go ahead with OT to try and address the issues, but I’m kind of bummed and feeling like a failure.
CHL says
There is so much variation at that age – you’re not a failure of course. It’s good that they flagged it and you’re getting the eval but if he’s five and has seen a pediatrician regularly and been in daycare or similar, at some point if he was really in trouble someone, including you would have noticed. They will help you figure it out!
EDAnon says
You’re not a failure. Kids develop skills at different rates. You’re doing great – you’re engaged and doing your best to ensure your kiddo is successful. Your worry shows that you love your kid. Your kiddo is lucky to have such a wonderful parent ❤️