Family Friday: Rainbow-Skirt Tulle Dress

My 9yo daughter attends a private school in NYC. There is a boy in her class who has now grabbed her crotch twice at school, and “spanked” her once as well. All unwanted of course, and upsetting to my daughter, who after the second incident said she didn’t feel safe going back to school. She is very perceptive and verbal, highly emotionally intelligent.

This boy has other behavior issues as well, including bullying and body shaming as well as sexualized / taboo touching and talking. I’ve seen his parents’ reaction to others of his bad behaviors, and it’s…concerning. They deny and blame the victim. I guess that’s part of my concern – that if the parents don’t reinforce whatever it is that the school will do in response, then will this stop?

We had a meeting with the school yesterday, and it did not go well. They denied that the touching was “sexual” and that it could have a long-term psychological impact on our daughter if it continues. They told us that there is no standardized discipline policy, but rather it’s all ad hoc, and they can’t tell us anything about repercussions to the boy or what would happen if he touched our daughter again. They also seemed to think this is merely a matter of teaching (and not disciplining) him, that he just doesn’t understand that this is unacceptable. I said I was sad that I couldn’t tell my daughter that this wouldn’t happen again, having happened 3x already, and they lectured me about how you can never say “never” to a child.

I cried after the meeting, out of frustration, and sadness for my daughter.

I guess I’m looking for a gut check and advice on what we should do if the touching recurs. Thanks for any thoughts.

I volunteered in my kindergartner’s class today and a girl came up to me and said (not very kindly) “Your kid cries all the time and the whole class calls her a crybaby behind her back.” Oof. We know our daughter has big feelings and emotional regulation is something teachers have mentioned as an area of improvement, but generally parent-teacher reports are positive and it seems like she’s doing well in school and has friends. I have witnessed disproportionate reactions to minor disagreements, like stomping and pouting her feet because she disagreed with a friend about…the color of his shirt (!?), but at least at this age things seems to blow over quickly and kids are best buddies again 15 minutes later. She doesn’t get physical. Is this something we should be more proactively addressing to stave off social issues down the road, or not worry about it until we see it impacting her close friendships? And what sort of thing would you do for this? We have done some OT for other issues and weren’t super impressed, and I’m not sure play therapy would help because when she’s calm and regulated, she can handle conflicts well. The issue is when she gets mad or frustrated she’s likely to lose it and get to a place where she can’t regulate her emotions very well. Fwiw, she is young for her grade but not dramatically so (turns 6 in April in a district with an August cutoff and a lot of red-shirted summer birthdays).