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We are a carry-on-only family of four, and this is only possible because we do laundry if we’re away for more than a long weekend. Instead of the hotel sink, I’m considering this portable wash bag.
This washboard-in-a-bag lets you do laundry anywhere you have water. Weighing just over five ounces, this wash bag also folds down to pocket size. You just fill it with clothes, water, and detergent, then scrub, drain, and refill with clean water to rinse. It seems to work best for small things like underwear, socks, and tees given its compact size.
The Scrubba Portable Wash Bag is available at Amazon.
Sales of note for 5.5.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase (ends 5/12); $50 off your $200+ purchase (ends 5/5)
- Banana Republic Factory – Spend your StyleCash with 40-60% off everything, or take an extra 20% off purchase (ends 5/6)
- Eloquii – $19 & up 300+ styles and up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Shirts & tees starting at $24.50; extra 30% off sale styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – 40% off full-price styles & extra 15% off; extra 55% off sale styles
- Nordstrom: Nordy Club members earn 3X the points on beauty; 30% off selected shoes
- Talbots – 40% off one item & and 30% off everything else; $50 off $200 (all end 5/5)
- Zappos – 27,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 40% off everything & extra 20% off select styles with code
- Hanna Andersson – Friends & Family Sale: 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Crewcuts – tk; extra 30% off sale styles; kids’ styles starting at $14.50
- Old Navy – Up to 75% off clearance
- Target – 20% off women’s clothing & shoes; up to 50% off kitchen & dining; 20% off jewelry & hair accessories; up to $100 off select Apple products; up to 40% off home & patio; BOGO 50% off adult & YA books
Anon says
I think there are some Boston metro west families here: any recommendations for home inspectors covering Weston, Wellesley, Newton, Needham area? Our realtor has recommendations too of course but want to consider a few options! Thanks in advance.
biotech_boston says
Mayflower Home Inspection–amazingly detailed, didn’t miss anything, produced better photos of the house than the real estate agent
Anonymous says
Hello new neighbor! I’m in a Drs office waiting room in Wellesley square right now!
Anonymous says
We’ve used Mass Integrity Home & Pest Inspections for two home purchases in the last 4 years and highly recommend Omar. Super detailed, thorough, and takes his time.
AwayEmily says
Does anyone do geocaching with their kids? My 6yo has expressed some strong interest and I think it would be a great activity for him — he is firmly against all sports but loves being outside. Looking for any beginner recs you have (including for GPS devices)…I’m totally new to this world.
Anon says
Geocaching is super fun! We did it during the pandemic, have kind of fallen off of it recently. I just downloaded the app and would do it together with my kid.
Momofthree says
We also did this on a recent day off with some friends & the kids really enjoyed it. You can definitely use your phone & just download the app. They have a pretty good description of how to do it in the app from what I remember. Some of the caches are just places where you write your name on a piece of paper, others allow you to drop stuff off, so it can be fun to bring along a few small toys/ things you are willing to exchange. My 3 year old found a baseball that she lugged around for a day or two afterward. I’d pay for the premium version of the app b/c it gives you access to more caches.
Anon says
Can we talk about friends?
Just realized that I’m down to 2 I see (separately) about once a month and then otherwise haven’t kept in touch with anyone else. Oops.
I’m fairly introverted and have 2 under 3 so it’s not really a problem per se, but also I’d like to keep my friends!
How do you maintain friends at this stage?
anon says
I also have 2 under 3. For me, maintaining friendships is really important. It’s also not so easy at this stage:-P We (husband and I) generally assume we’ll see friends on Sunday afternoon, so every week on about Thursday I ping one of our 3 families that we like to hang out with, and invite people to either come over (kids play, we provide dinner), or, suggest meeting at a park. I feel quite fortunate that we’ve found 3 families where this seems to work. One is from our same daycare, one is a colleague turned friend, and one is from a baby group I was in. And yes, it’s loud and chaotic, but I still enjoy it. It works particularly well with one family (we have similar family rhythms, parenting approaches, and food preferences), and with one family we always have to remind ourself to set some timers because otherwise all routine flies out the window and the kids end up as overtired monsters:-P I have another 3 friends that I usually see one on one for lunch, about once a month or so. And we have some friends without kids who we love to have come over for dinner, then they go grab ice cream from the amazing place across the street while we put the kids to bed, and then all the adults hang out and chat over ice cream. Recently I joined a book club and have really enjoyed that, as well. For me the key is to remember every Thursday to plan something . I also humbly admit that for a while I kept a list of people I wanted to remember to contact, because otherwise on Thursday I would be unable to think of who to reach out too:-P I also keep a list of things to remember to followup on the next time I see someone (e.g. Did the daycare find a replacement for the teacher that quit?). (Obviously, sleep deprivation has done terrible things to my memory!) I also notice in myself that there are times when I’m “open” for new friends, and time when I’m more “closed”; I tend to stay “open”, and if I’m wanting to get to know someone better I’ll usually suggest meeting for lunch or meeting at the park with the kids. I’m curious to read what others say. Friendships at this point in life are tricky!
anon says
I should clarify that I see my lunch friends during the workday. I take a long lunch about once a week to meet with a friend. I will also say that it really isn’t always easy to find a time/way that works with people to meet up – I’ve met a few people who I quite like and think would be good friends, but our kids/husbands just don’t jive, or they live/work too far away to make it work easily, or they have 4 kids and the chaos level exceeds what I can tolerate, or our naptimes conflicted so that it just was too hard to find time to meet up. So if you start reaching out to people and it doesn’t work out, just keep trying! I’m also really really appreciative of my single friends who are willing to bend to my constraints at this point in life. I hope they know how much I appreciate them coming over, and how grateful I am for our conversations after the kids go to bed!
AnonNY says
I love your tips! Being so organized probably helps a lot. Otherwise time seems to slip away quickly
Spirograph says
This is a hard stage to maintain “inconvenient” friendships, but it is a stage and it will get easier to pick things up when your kids are a little older. Lean in to phone chats, or even just texts to keep the friendship warm, and if you don’t have the time and energy for a proper meet-up, be honest that you’re just tapped out and it’s not personal. I have a standing phone date with a good friend who lives out of state, but otherwise my social circle shrank to neighbors and friends with similar-age kids for a while. Get-togethers were generally
-kids are in bed, want to come have a glass of wine on the patio?
-let’s meet at the park and the kids can play while we chat
-stroller walks
or anything else similarly low-planning and low-effort for execution.
NYCer says
I really agree with the phone chats. I know some people don’t like talking on the phone, but I really think it goes a long way in maintaining friendships, especially with non-local friends.
Spirograph says
I used to hate talking on the phone but compared to zoom, it’s so easy! Bluetooth earbuds + a pile of laundry to fold or a nice weather for a walk around the neighborhood, it’s a great way to kill two birds with one stone.
anon says
This stage is just hard. Here are some tips for as you emerge, but maybe helpful for now too?
-I email friends I haven’t spoken with in years if I think about them and am wondering how they are. It only takes one person who is delighted to hear from an old friend to make it worth sending a bunch of these emails. I don’t use social media, which I think helps force me to reach out directly.
-I go for walks with friends–everyone needs fresh air and exercise, so adding social connection is awesome.
-Try to make friends with others in this stage of life (daycare is great for this!), and it’ll feel less absurd to propose meeting at the park at X time, to be done by Y time and you might have to cancel last minute because someone is sick.
anonM says
I have to admit that with the amount of out-of-state family, I have focused my energy on local friends. I calendar friends’ birthdays, anniversaries, kids’ birthdays, parent death anniversaries, etc. I try to make an effort to text on those days/have my kids send their kids bday videos on their actual birthday, even if we see them for a birthday party later.
The other big key for me is First Fridays. I’ll keep preaching that here. A small group of local friends meets for dinner/drinks the first friday of every month from about 6-8pm. It’s not a big commitment, your partner knows ahead of time, you can plan childcare in advance, etc. It has helped us a lot. Even if one person can’t make it, we still go. The only month that usually deviates is December. With these friends and their families, we also started hosting a kid-friendly NYE every year with an early ball drop.
Another couple really important to DH and I were originally my neighbors growing up, so we’ve just kept up holiday traditions for years and now with the kids. It gives us this reminder to schedule things a few times a year (one of us hosts easter egg dying, one of us hosts pumpkin carving – usually the weekend before the holiday). It’s amazing.
Without the traditions, I don’t think I’d see any of these friends as regularly.
With other friends/DH’s friends, it depends. I try to mix up with my other friends meeting with just them, meeting up with the families, etc. I also have a standing phone call/remote “lunch” with my out of state sister. With some friends, DH meets up with the guys a few times a month, usually for golf/virtual golf on weekdays after kid bedtime. We also did a friends’ trip (long weekend, few hours’ drive away, each family with own cabin but a common courtyard-type area) with them and their kids last summer – guys got a day to gold, girls got a nice dinner/evening out, and we all got to enjoy all the kids. It was really nice bonding, but of course this really depends on the people. This group is pretty relaxed and we all enjoyed it.
Anon says
How long did you experience bleeding after a D&C? I unfortunately had to have one for a missed miscarriage and the bleeding is going on 10 days now (not scary heavy, but a lot longer than after my previous D&C for an incomplete miscarriage). I guess part of the difference could be that the incomplete miscarriage had heavy bleeding beforehand, but still. This is getting old, it keeps getting better and then worse again right when I’ve let my guard down, and it makes it hard to move on! Please tell me the end is near?
Anon says
I’d make an appointment with my doctor to make sure there isn’t any retained tissue. I think they say up to 4 weeks is normal, but I’d get it checked just to make sure.
Anonymous says
Agree that it’s time to check in with your doctor. For me, it was about a week and a half to two weeks, but the bleeding definitely got progressively lighter over that time.
Anonymous says
Unfortunately it several weeks, maybe 3-4. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Anon says
Thank you both. I’m not overly worried (the guide from my doctor’s office says that it can stop and start, etc.), but I put in a message just to be safe.
Anonymous says
My memory is fuzzy, but I want to say I bled for around 3 weeks. It was very surprising to me; I foolishly thought they would have removed all of the uterine lining and there would be no bleeding.
Anon says
I read an interesting article and was curious what other moms may think about it: https://issuu.com/alleghenycountyms/docs/acms_bulletin_january2024_issuu/14
When I was pregnant, there seemed to be a trend where the discussion of childbirth-related complications was avoided – “your body was made to do this” was/is a popular phrase. Talking about complications or side effects seemed to be discouraged as needless fearmongering. After kids, I was genuinely surprised by some of the complications I had and how common they were. I feel weird bringing it up in casual conversation because it seems so taboo to discuss, yet is it really? Do you think people are open to those kinds of discussions? On the political side I was always pro-choice, yet I never really thought much about how having a child can affect your health for the rest of your life.
Anonymous says
I hate the “your body was made to do this” narrative. My great-grandfather’s first wife died in childbirth with her 9th child, and my great-grandmother on another side had 6 sets of twins, only 5 of whom survived the first year (one in each set died, in one set both died). This used to be common, and birth has gotten so safe that we’ve forgotten this. About half of my friends with kids have had some sort of birth or post-birth complications, some were short lived and some are lifelong. Several of my friends would have died in childbirth if not for modern medical intervention.
Among my friends with kids, this is discussed a lot actually.
busybee says
Same! I saw a photo once of an ancient remain—female skeleton with an infant head lodged in her pelvis. Left a lasting impression. It’s a huge first world privilege to treat childbirth with a shrug. Childbirth remains a significant cause of death of women worldwide, particularly in developing countries.
In my experience which is recent- my kids have all been born in the last 2 years- is that there’s a vocal minority on social media proclaiming home birth/no intervention/ hospitals are evil. IRL though I don’t know anyone like that. I don’t run in a particularly crunchy crowd though. I’ve also only had high risk pregnancies so I’m all about the monitoring and interventions!
Among my circle, pelvic floor therapy is pretty openly discussed post-baby as a common need.
Anon says
I read a book recently that pointed out that many “natural birth” advocates point to low rates of complication in the U.S. as evidence that birth itself is safe – while ignoring that those stats only improved as much as they did because of the shift to hospital-based birth and the resulting dramatic decrease in maternal and neonatal mortality. Both used to be sky-high in the U.S., just like they are in Sierra Leone and other places that lack access to essential medical care. You cannot apply statistics from hospital-based birth to birth without trained medical professionals.
Anonymous says
+1 I know at least two women who really, really struggled postpartum with feeling like they had failed, or their body had failed them because they would have died without modern medical care, in large part because of the “your body was made to do this” messaging they’d internalized.
My doctor’s alternative was, “pregnancy is a normal state of health.” True! All normal states of health still need to be monitored and managed. And just like a person whose body was previously functioning optimally can get ill or injured and need medical intervention, so too can pregnancy or birth need medical intervention. Even with only a passing knowledge of history, people know that death from infections and childbirth used to be far more common than it is today. The human body is amazing, but modern medical care still makes a huge difference.
Anonymous says
Same. I was great at birthing, but without formula, my babies would have died because my body did NOT know how to make milk. “Your body was made for this” ignores that bodies are imperfect, all the time, in ways large and small.
Anonymous says
When I was pregnant the only risks or complications that were mentioned were those that would affect the baby. Risks, complications, and even normal negative effects for me were entirely ignored. When I woke up in a puddle of sweat the night after delivery I was shocked because no one–not my doctor, birthing class instructor, or doula–had warned me of this possibility. This singular focus on the baby’s perceived needs at the expense of the mother continues throughout BF’ing, with doctors and lactation consultants demanding that mothers cut out huge categories of healthy foods on the off chance that the baby might have an allergy or sensitivity instead of just recommending or sanctioning a switch to formula, the triple feed, etc.
Anon says
Yes, it’s so weird that there is little to no advice about what to expect postpartum. I remember after discovering that I had pelvic organ prolapse, going back to my pregnancy books (like the Mayo Clinic Guide to Pregnancy) and being shocked that there was no mention of it or even very common things like diastasis recti. I felt like I tried to inform myself about pregnancy but I didn’t realize that some info just isn’t really out there.
Anonymous says
“Your body was made to do this” was originally a way to push back against the overmedicalization of childbirth that prioritizes the elimination of tiny risks to the baby over the well-being of the mother. The mantra can be helpful for moms who want to deliver naturally but may lack confidence or fear pain, and for moms who are worried they won’t know when they are in labor. For the most part you will be able to tell when labor has begun and it’s time to head for the hospital or birthing center, and if there aren’t any genuine medical reasons for intervention you will be able to deliver naturally if that’s your preference.
Anon says
I absolutely think we need to talk about the risks more, if only so women understand that medical complications can and do happen and that home birth (especially in rural areas) may pose risks they’ve never heard of. If you want to make that decision, it should be with a clear understanding of the risks and benefits. I cannot stand the “your body was made to do this,” “babies always come out,” “your baby knows when to be born” and other feel-good “natural birth” slogans. Don’t even get me started on the nonstop efforts to put breastfeeding on a pedestal with zero discussion of maternal pain, discomfort, or unhappiness.
Anonymous says
IME there was a lot of fearmongering about risks the baby and zero discussion of the actual magnitude of those risks or about any risks to the mother. It was all about how you have to get Pitocin and a c-section and an epidural and this and that “to protect the baby” but mostly for the convenience and comfort of the doctor and hospital staff. I am against home birth but don’t see why it’s so wrong for a woman to choose to labor in a nice relaxing tub without an epidural when labor is going perfectly normally, to wait until she is past due to start demanding that she agree to an induction, to allow her to choose not to BF, etc.
Momofthree says
I think the “your body was made to do this” narrative goes along with the natural (unmedicated) child birth movement. There’s a lot of talk about your body will know what to do, let it do it’s thing, etc. I definitely bought into it when I was having kids (although that was more focused on the unmedicated than home birth). – The place where I got really upset was with nursing/breastfeeding. I had my Latino doctor father-in-law state that breastfeeding is natural, has been going on for millenia and that should be how you feed your child. I ended up writing him a letter explaining that how I chose to feed my kid was my choice & he should respect it. I mean- there have been wet-nurses for millenia as well so clearly not every woman has been capable of breastfeeding.
I have had a series of hormonal issues since the birth of my third that no one can explain and that I have to closely monitor. No one discussed with me the long-term effects of child birth or even the immediate acute effects (I had no idea there was going to be a major hormone/mood drop after delivery and I basically had a days long panic attack) Pelvic floor therapy is gaining traction in my city but it’s definitely not discussed as prominently as I understand it is in other countries.
safe birth says
I’ll chime in as someone who tells newly pregnant and nervous moms often “you’re body was made to do this”. It was one of my affirmations as I prepared for an unmedicated no/low intervention birth. I went in eyes wide open, as someone who owns my healthcare, after a hospitalization when I was younger that has had lifelong repercussions. As much as I hear of complications from child birth, through knowledge, preparation and advocating for myself I avoided a c-section and the increased risks and repercussions that come with that.
My intent and hope is for women to think about child birth as a natural process as opposed to a disease state? To learn about their options, how diet and exercise and other prep work can truly impact your labor and post-partum. It’s not just something that’s happening to you. I never would do a home birth, was open to an epidural if labor went on and I needed rest, but I also was able to flip a breach baby at 36 weeks with Chiro, and spinning babies techniques throughout pregnancy. (also I’m not a “natural birth” social media person, that’s silliness, and often hurtful)
Momofthree says
I hear you. I agree that it’s really incredible what our bodies can do. We are literally growing a whole new human & that’s amazing. I think the problem arises when there is no nuance. Two things can be true at the same time- many people can successfully have an unmedicated birth and many people need many interventions to ensure a safe mother & baby- no one approach has inherent value over the other. It just feels like a major part of the conversation is not being had. I get not wanting to scare newly pregnant mothers who may already be feeling horrible w/ 1st trimester stuff. I get that many women are already apprehensive about having kids, but it seems wrong that we’re marketing only the positive aspects while ignoring the very real likelihood of long-term effects (whether it’s hospital births, home births, nursing, bottle feeding, etc.)
Anonymous says
That is the problem–there is no conversation. The medical establishment has no room for nuance, individual circumstances, or personal preferences. It’s just “this is how we do it and we know best.” At the other extreme, it’s “you are a failure if you don’t do things in the perfect crunchy granola way.” And most bizarre is the fact that the medical establishment takes a hard line on the crunchy granola approach when it comes to feeding the baby. As someone who wanted a natural birth in a hospital but didn’t want to BF, I had a very difficult time getting my preferences respected.
Anon says
I disagree – this stuff is absolutely part of the conversation now. While unfortunately I lost the pregnancy and didn’t get a chance to deliver, I was impressed with the model of care at the advanced tertiary facility in my city. It’s a well-known research hospital and one of the best in the state, but at the same time, you’re encouraged to labor in any position, eat during labor, bring doulas, and deliver with CNMs. Not all places are like that, but I was encouraged to see a hospital that cares for many women with high-risk pregnancies providing lots of options and choices.
Anon says
I’m one of the posters below who had complications. It’s great that you had the birth experience you wanted, but just to be clear, I was preeclamptic and no amount of “advocating for myself” would have helped. I was given choices that fit the situation (either induction or emergency C, I picked induction). It very much felt like something that was happening to me and I really just wanted to lean on the advice of experienced doctors at that point. There was no amount of knowledge or diet that would have changed that, and if a nurse hadn’t noticed I was a little off during a routine follow-up and sent me to the hospital just in case, things could have gotten a lot worse. It’s fine to talk about choices, but thinking that medical intervention comes from a failure to prepare is a weird way to guilt trip mothers.
Anon says
Yes thank you, I hate this mentality. Also the really isn’t that much correlation between diet and exercise and “good” outcomes. Some of the slimmest, healthiest eaters I know had gestational diabetes and some of the most athletic women I know couldn’t birth vaginally. Meanwhile I am a couch potato who ate a lot of ice cream and had an easy and uncomplicated v birth. It’s mostly genetics. My OB says I have “birthing hips” lol.
It’s pervasive beyond childbirth. I had to fill out forms recently for my kid to get speech therapy and it asked if she was born via c-section, was low birthweight or if I used alcohol/dr*gs while pregnant, and then the report said “normal vaginal birth, healthy birthweight, mom denies substance use, so it’s unlikely the present issue is related to pregnancy and birth.” Like wtf, a c-section doesn’t cause speech issues!! We love blaming all issues on the mom.
Anon says
Absolutely this. I have a friend who suffered an immense amount of guilt after being induced with her first and she kept using all these phrases like “cascade of interventions” and “surgical birth.” She didn’t come up with those herself.
anon 123 says
+1 well said.
On top of it being important to get necessary medical intervention, it’s also fine to get optional medical intervention. Medical interventions advised by qualified medical personnel aren’t a bad thing, even if they’re not strictly necessary. It’s not like there are a bunch of people telling men and women that they’re failures if they get pain relief for dental procedures and if they’d only been better prepared, they could have avoided needing pain relief.
FVNC says
I had started to write a response, but this is better said than what I wrote. I *do* think education and validation of choices is great – and if those newly pregnant friends are asking for your thoughts, yours sounds like a positive experience to share, especially given the importance of self-advocacy.
But like others that have responded, I needed medical intervention. My mother, my sister, two female cousins and I have each had two c-sections. Zero out of 10 vaginal births in my close family. Clearly, the women’s bodies in my family are actually not particularly well-made for childbirth.
safe birth says
I’m so sorry that happened to you and see the nuance here. I’ll probably never say it again, I had never thought of it as anything but an empowering thing. your experience is 100% why I would never do a home birth either and wanted my husband and doula there keeping an eye on things too. I absolutely never guilt trip mothers, I’m all about prevention not accusations.
Anon says
I can see that point. On the other side, the article talks about 25% of women having pelvic floor disorders and the largest modifiable risk factor in that is vaginal childbirth. So, why do we not ever discuss that? Should we? Was my body made to give birth but also made to be injured from that birth? Even if you have a “good” vaginal birth and exercised appropriately, ate whatever you’re supposed to, and did whatever preparations you can do, you can still be completely blindsided by health issues that will follow you around forever. I feel like a good amount of people internalize “my body was made to do this” and then end up feeling like their injuries were all their fault. If they were more informed of the risks, maybe that would not be the case. and honestly, c-sections are often vilified, but they are protective of the pelvic floor. I know they have their downsides, but there are also upsides to them.
I do totally agree with you that trying to prepare to have a good birth outcome is important. But, there’s not a lot of good research out there (maybe becuase nobody cares to fund it) and OBs don’t generally say much on these topics . If they do, they don’t frame it in terms of improving your postpartum outcome because then they’d need to acknowledge the risks of childbirth in the first place.
Anon says
Oh this is super annoying. My very amazing OB considers planned c-sections safer than natural birth for the mother – there’s more within the doctor’s control.
Also no amount of “advocating for myself” would have kept me from having a mini-stroke during pregnancy, which was what threw me into the c-section land. And if I’d really “advocated for myself” during a later pregnancy, I very likely would have had a uterine rupture that could have killed me. I am so grateful for my c-sections!
Anonymous says
On the other hand, I would prefer not to undergo major abdominal surgery unless it’s necessary. So much judgment of others’ perspectives and preferences, which is the real problem.
stop cutting us open says
“My very amazing OB considers planned c-sections safer than natural birth for the mother – there’s more within the doctor’s control.”- Your amazing OB sounds a bit lazy, and like my personal nightmare. Advocating for myself doesn’t mean “I know better than my OB” it means I pick an OB/practice who listens and values my perspectives and history. Not one who cuts every woman open. I know of a few women who got severe PPD post c-section and addicted to the pain meds, post-surgical addiction has happened to me in the past and is one of the many reasons my birth prep was to do everything in my power to avoid a c-section. Not blaming you at all, but every woman is unique and cutting all or most of us open is not the answer.
Anon says
Yeah, I was also frustrated with the “your body is made for this” movement and a few of my very vocal “natural/home birth acquaintances”. I ended up having a lot of complications, needing to be induced, massively hemorrhaging afterwards, etc. I’m really happy I was at a top rated hospital, and very much give them credit for the fact I’m still alive. If I do give birth again, I want as much medical intervention as I need and am very grateful for the wonders of modern medecine. I was also relieved to realize a lot of this was more common than I thought. At the time, I felt like a failure for failing to have the hippie transcendental “natural” birth I had initially imagined, for no particular reason.
Anon says
I was/am pretty shocked about the lack of advice about physical recovery after birth. I felt like pregnancy and delivery were well warned, and PPD/PPA. But I lost so much strength after my first delivery and just assumed I’d “bounce back” with enough time and daily activities. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after my second and figured there’d surely be guidance after a major surgery and nope! It’s stunning.
I was able to finally find some good advice on Insta (insert eye roll here). Jen Ryan is a pelvic floor PT on there if anyone else is looking.
Anon says
I joined Instragram solely for the purpose of following pelvic health accounts. There’s a lot of great info on there and I’ve met many wonderful people through social media. It sounds completely insane to tell people to get health advice from these places until you’ve experienced being brushed off by doctors.
Anon says
My response to the ‘your body was made to do this’ narrative was that if I relied on what my body did naturally I’d be dead three times over before the age of 21 (autoimmune disease, PCOS, and severe scoliosis). There was simply no way I could give birth without a c-section, period, my baby and I would have both died if I tried. My ‘birth plan’ was ‘mom and baby both make it out alive’. It’s extreme but it really did shut the anti medical intervention people down cold which I kind of enjoyed ;)
Anon says
Yup. And same birth plan :) Modern medicine is a great thing. I did birth “naturally” (well with pain meds, but I presumably would have survived without them) but I hate that saying so much. It feels like it’s telling anyone who needed c-sections or other medical interventions that you wouldn’t care if they and/or their baby died.
Anon says
I feel, as with so many things these days, that it isn’t all or nothing? I wanted (and had) two “natural” births (no epidural). I also had them in the hospital, which was my preference, because I believe that childbirth is a natural event and women’s bodies are designed to give birth and sh*t can still go sideways, fast, in a myriad of unpredictable ways, even if you have a healthy boring pregnancy and a healthy boring delivery up until the moment it isn’t! I had a hemorrhage after my first delivery because my uterus decided it didn’t want to contract, and it took them about an hour to stop the bleeding. Fortunately, I was in a hospital, because I was able to hold my baby and bond and breastfeed while the doctor went to work. And then my second had a compound presentation (came out with hand next to face) and nicked an artery on his way out, so the dr had to hold her hand inside me for a few minutes post-delivery until she could put in a stitch. Both of these situations could have ended very poorly at home.
Anonymous says
Hmm… I took childbirth class at GW in DC (8hr class) and our instructor was fantastic and very much gave us info on “what to look out for”. Combined with reading books and talking to friends, we were prepared as much as possible for postpartum. My DH was aware of PPD and Postpartum Psychosis and prolapse and all that. My friends are very open to discussing their birth stories (inductions or hemorrhaging or severe tears or pelvic floor issues or postpartum eclampsia). I’m 36 FWIW.
I was lucky enough to have unmedicated births, the second one with a LARGE baby (9 and a half pounds). I do feel like if you want to have an unmedicated birth then telling yourself “your body was made to do this” or “women give birth to large babies every day” is helpful. But I still gave birth in a hospital. Despite what the medical establishment wants to tell you, there are midwifery programs that have a lot of success at reducing pregnancy complications in mothers with nutrition and movement guidance. And epidurals can increase risk of tearing because you can’t control the pushing as much.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Question from Potty Training world. Thanks in advance for reading my novel…
We tried no-pants on DS #2 on Saturday – he started to run a fever so we stopped. Before the fever, he let me know he was about to do #2 so we sped to the potty (we did not make it in time…the joy).
On Sunday, we went pants-less in the AM and DS had a few accidents…I decided to try just underwear in the afternoon, and DS was able to communicate when #1 was coming and had less than a handful of accidents. Monday and Tuesday was the same – 2-3 accidents, but he was able to hold for a long time. He finally went #1 in the potty before his PM bath on Tuesday. (He has also done #1 in the potty several times before this weekend of fun).
Since we’ve started he’s only done #2 in his diaper overnight and during naps so I figure this is all progress.
I (finally) got on the same page as daycare, and he’ll arrive to school in a pull-up (he’s in a floater class until he moves into his class for the day), and once he’s in his actual class change into underwear and they’ll take him every 30 minutes to try. Some background – they started putting him in underwear after the holidays, but we never synced on a plan/discussed what was going on at home, terminology, etc.
My questions:
1. AM and PM at home on weeknights – what to do? Undies right before leaving to school/as soon as we get home to practice, or just offer the potty a few times in the AM and PM, and leave the pull up on? The latter is the “easier” option given the compressed time.
2. Weekends – What do I do now? At home – do I keep taking him/offering like every 45 minutes? Do I just keep him in a pull up when we are out and about and just keep offering the potty at intervals?
3. When DS #2 says he doesn’t want potty or doesn’t want to sit – do I just let it go? DS #1 put a HUGE fight for sitting on the potty and I remember very unpleasant power struggles…
DS #1 was trained in March 2021 so we weren’t going anywhere besides daycare and home, and I completely forgot what we did in the AM and PM.
Anon says
1) i’m a bit confused. i understand he will arrive to school in a pull up, but will he also be sent home wearing one? bc if not, the PM doesn’t seem like an issue. regardless, i’d put undies under the pull up in the morning.
2) i would not do a pull up when out and about. we made a rule in our family that you have to try to go potty before you leave the house and before we get back in the car to go home – my kids complain, but we (parents too) all try to go. When at home if you are still having trouble you could do pantsless.
OP says
Thanks – I was thinking he should change into one when we drive home to avoid accidents in the car? It’s a ~10-15 minute drive (short distance, just lots of traffic) plus load/unload time.
What do you do when there is an accident when out? I am guessing this is where the extra clothes come into play.
Anonymous says
You take him potty before you leave the house and always bring back up clothes.
Anonymous says
If you alternate between underwear and pull-ups during the day he will either get confused or will save it for the pull-up. Put the pull-up over the underwear if you are worried about messes.
Anon says
If you are set on training him now I would do underwear at all awake times outside of daycare. I know it’s harder, but the only way to the end of this is to commit and keep working on it. In and out of pull ups (which essentially are diapers) seems confusing and like it will way prolong the process. Which is fine if you’re wishy washy and not sure he’s ready…but if you want to actually train, you just have to stick with it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This. Ask him to go potty before you leave the house and daycare. Don’t go anywhere too far where there isn’t a potty, otherwise bring a portable potty with you.
Anonymous says
It sounds like you aren’t ready to commit to potty training so I would just stop.
OP says
Hmm I’m not sure what I said to communicate that, but to be clear, I’m just trying to figure out logistics and what to do next now that we’ve done a weekend at home.
Anonymous says
Your whole post! If you’re potty training, stop with the pull-ups. No you don’t put one one for a car trip. Weekends, no you don’t do a pull up when you’re out and about!
If you’re thinking you don’t want any accidents ever and want pull ups on and off constantly you are not ready to potty train. Which is fine. But your whole plan is confusing and not potty training.
Anon says
Yeah I’m admittedly not a potty training expert (I trained one kid late and badly), but most people I know went cold turkey except for a pull up at night. If you’re regularly using pull ups during the day you’re not really committed to it.
Anonymous says
I wish we had stopped with pull ups earlier, my husband was highly afraid of accidents in the car/at the park and so we kept them longer than we really needed to. Going to the bathroom before/after all outings is the key, plus just embracing the possibility that there will be some accidents along the way.
Anonymous says
Underwear under pull-up when out of the house and for naps, underwear with no pull-up when awake at home, pull-up at bedtime.
Anon says
At the absolute very least, I would wait until he’s in his full time class. I don’t think you mention how old he is, but not having a consistent environment would be tough for him to know how/when/where to go to the bathroom. I have 4 kids, and I’m probably the worst potty trainer of all time, but I’ve never had success potty training a kid who wasn’t clearly ready. I honestly don’t care what any of the books/online programs say. My analytical kid asked for underwear, pee trained quickly, and then we read (and read and re-read) books about going #2 until she connected her stomach hurting to holding it. Another fairly analytical kid also got pee down immediately, and then went 2 as soon as we turned off the lights in a pull-up until the day she felt ready to go in the potty and then never looked back. My other kid asked to pee in the potty around 3.5, and basically got both down immediately after that.
And my caboose kid who absolutely does things on his own timeline is still not fully trained with either at 4.5. Given your scenario, he’s probably the closest to your son right now OP (although I’m sure he’s older) — he has a very inconsistent schedule, given that he’s usually being dragged to a sporting or musical event or friends’ house or wherever with the big kids. I just leave him in a pull-up if an accident is going to stress me out or changing clothes will be tricky, but on school days, he is in underwear from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed. I usually try to remind him that he doesn’t have a pull-up on, as he’ll just lazy pee in it if we don’t take it off right away.
TL; DR, my most shortest and easiest training was with kids who expressed being ready to me, and had a consistent schedule.
Anonymous says
Right lol this is my point. If you want a not potty trained 4.5 year old go ahead and don’t prioritize it and use pull ups on and off constantly
Anon says
This lol comment definitely has a side of snark or shade thrown at me or my kid. But, sure, I do agree that pull ups prolong training. The part that got lost here is that we started cold turkey with no pull-ups for all of my kids when we trained, including my last sweet son. My kids, for whatever reason really struggled to get 2 down, and would just go in either an overnight pull up or in their underwear until they were personally ready to use the toilet for 2 and had easy access to a child friend toilet (no loud public toilets, no porta potties). So, two components to train — personal readiness, and consistency. Not sure that the OP has either based on her post, and FWIW, my son doesn’t either.
For my son, after he did the no pants bootcamp, for like 6 awful months he was underwear only, but would just not go 2 in the toilet. He wasn’t ready, AND we were frequently in really tough places to potty train a kid. I was cleaning him up and throwing away underwear and pants and socks at soccer fields and in dance studios. I finally did throw up my hands and put on a pull-up in certain circumstances, especially when I knew an accident would be a really big issue AND when I was getting frustrated at him, which was making it much worse.
Anonymous says
No shade do what works for you! But if OP actually wants to potty train, your comment illustrates why her plan won’t work.
OP says
I’ve heard this about #2 in the toilet a lot – sounds like you’re doing what works. DS #2 is also my “caboose” kid who does things on his own timeline but since he was willing to sit on the potty and showed some interest, I wanted to give it a whirl.
We started training with my older son a few months shy of 3.5, and then had the normal accidents and whatnot until 4ish where things leveled out a bit. But he’s 6 and still occasionally doesn’t make it in time.
Anon says
OP, there’s no right way to do this. Each kid is different. There are a lot of different ways to potty train. I think the best method is to pick one that works for you and see how he does. If it’s not working, readjust your method to see if it works for him. I’ve responded to prior posts that you have made saying that we used pull ups upon request for our kid for #2 for months. It didn’t cause her to regress at all for #1. Just because you aren’t following one method 100% doesn’t mean you aren’t committed or are going to fail. I’d use pull ups for car rides and outings if that makes you more comfortable. I know accidents in those situations would have upset my kid, would have upset me, and that would not have been beneficial to the goal of potty training.
Anonymous says
+1 to this. As with baby sleep, there is no One True Path. My son had tons of #2 accidents, which are infinitely more difficult to deal with than #1 and apparently don’t happen constantly to other people’s children. OTOH, he has never in his life wet the bed.
OP says
Thanks – kid turned 3 in December. Granted, we aren’t usually running around a ton – my older kid is 6, and our weekend excursions are mostly the Y and DH taking the kids out to breakfast on Sundays.
We carpool in the AM and another family takes him to preschool, and because he gets their early he waits/plays in another class until his class teacher gets there around 8 AM.
Anonymous says
Some of these comments seem like they’re coming from POOPCUPs. It’s ridiculously more complicated when you have more than one child: I’m sorry they’re being unkind. I have 3 year old twins that I’m trying to potty train. One twin is 90% there and the other simply isn’t ready, but day care and DH are fighting me tooth and nail. Day care happily cleans up accidents. DH grumbles. I feel like…this is what we’re committing to: if you want to train before they’re ready, you need to put underwear on them and shut up about cleaning up accidents. I’m speaking to DH more than you but this is basically the attitude I have about it. I am moving from putting them in pull ups as soon as I pick them up to bringing a change of clothes everywhere. It sucks, but it will be over someday. Hopefully. Solidarity.
Anon says
I’m one of the posters who said to drop the pull-ups and commit, and I have three kids, so nope. (Two boys trained at 2.5, one I’m about to begin…I do think there’s such a thing as waiting too long and missing the window of interest, but that’s another can of worms).
I don’t think we’re implying there is one right way to handle toileting, but there is a right way to potty train and it’s to wear underwear and just do it.
If you or he aren’t ready, then absolutely take a break and don’t torture yourself. But wearing pull ups half the day and letting things happen as they may is not potty training. So it depends on the objective and your ideal timeframe.
OP says
Thank you for this. It was different and hard in another way when I had a 3-month-old and a 3-year-old potty training.
I also solo parent very often (DH travels for work and yes we have help a good chunk of nights) so the logistics of getting two tired, cranky, hungry kids and their stuff (plus mine if I was at the office) in/out of the car, into the house, and then getting the youngest on the potty is just really tough. I’ve noticed kid has more accidents in the 5-7 PM window because he’s just so tired.
It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do “commit” – I’m just trying to figure out the path forward that makes the most sense.
Anon says
Largely kid-dependent, but my suggestion is to use underwear during all awake times. If you need to use the car and don’t like cleaning the car seat, I’ve used thin chux pads. Yes you’re not supposed to add things in between the child and carseat, but these are incredibly thin and don’t affect how tight the straps are. When we had potty refusal, I used a video on my phone as a bribe if they really needed to go – like if they hadn’t gone all morning and we needed to drive somewhere. We did have some accidents while out and about and just dealt with the joy of changing and cleaning it up (tip: pack backup shoes if you go this route. my son especially always got pee in his shoes). Mostly, we avoided going to a lot of places until we had it somewhat under control.
Baby toy says
Any recs for soft baby toys that clip to a car seat? We have a 5 hour drive coming up with a 4 month old. With my first child we always left after dark so she slept the whole way but for this trip we need to leave early in the morning.
Anon says
We had success with a mirror at that age. It was a rectangle, and the other side had a grid of black and white images so we’d flip it when he got bored (we propped it against the seat by his feet). You can also try something like a glow worm/stuffed animal that plays soothing music and lights up (we have a starfish). (Technically you aren’t supposed to clip things to the straps, and for many models of infant seats you’re supposed to put the carrier handle down in the car, but I can see it working with a different part of the fabric). Lastly, I’d have a little basket of rattles and chewable toys up with you, and you can keep passing back. And don’t underestimate loud kids music from the car speaker or singing loudly yourselves — sometimes that was the only way to stop the crying.
New Here says
My daughter really liked the soft fabric books at that age. She could crinkle and chew on them.
Anonymous says
My son LOVED the Sassy Go Go bugs more than anything at that age. https://us.amazon.com/Sassy-80036-Go-Bugs/dp/B002J4U8NY
Anonymous says
Sorry posted this before I noticed they were discontinued. Tragic! This might be an acceptable substitute. https://www.amazon.com/Sassy-Developmental-Learning-Contrast-80660/dp/B01M1OHTW6
Anonymous says
Has anyone been with kids to the Ritz at Key Biscayne in Florida? If so, thoughts or tips on things to do/places to eat outside of the resort with a 4.5 year old who loves just about every activity ever any eats basically anything (except for fresh fruit, it’s bizarre and the opposite of every other kid that I know)? Is the “club level” room worth it? Looking into this for April and planning to spend most time just at the pool/beach, but wondering what else folks like outside of the resort. Thank you!
Key Biscayne! says
I have family member who lives right near there. It’s a wonderful beach and I loved going as a little kid! However, you may want to find out about the seaweed situation to find out if you need to bring water shoes/other precautions. Last time I was there, there was a tremendous amount of seaweed on the beach that was cleared out regularly by heavy machinery. My family had some concern that it could irritate skin.
I actually have done very little on the rest of the island because it’s so lovely to be at the beach/pool in that area. There are plenty of restaurants in Key Biscayne that cater to the local community, so should be fine for a preschooler for lunch or an early dinner. My favorite is long-gone, but you should be able to find excellent Latin food. There’s a (state?) park with a lighthouse that’s on my to-do list. The Miami Children’s Museum is a short drive and nice for that age if you get a rainy day.
Anon says
No but I’ve heard Ritzs have amazing kids clubs. I would love a trip report if you go!
Anon says
Is it weird to say that I’m jealous of your kid? My kids both eat nothing and hate all activities. Thank your stars!
Anon says
I thought you were going to say you’re jealous of the kid because she gets to go the Ritz, lol!
Anonymous says
OP here – Thanks! I am trying to figure out how to bottle his joy/general zest for life so I can give to other people. Literally any day you see him, he is having the best day of his life (he is basically the embodiment of the song “Life’s a Happy Song” from the muppet movie with Jason Segal). He is happy about basically everything, and honestly I don’t know where he gets it from. I too am jealous of his general love for life.
Anon says
At what age did you leave your kids go on trips with relatives and for how long? My parents are renting a beach house this summer. I’m going to be 8 months pregnant, and they offered to take my then barely 2 year old for a week. I suspect I could really use a break by then, and she would love the beach. But a week feels like a long time to leave her – the longest we’ve done so far is one night for a quick getaway. My parents live out of town, so she sees them every 2-3 months. They’re great with her, but she takes about 24 hours to warm up to them again. The beach house is a 5-6 hour drive away, I’m high risk so DH would have to drive her there and back, I can’t go (unfortunately – I would love to!). Just wondering what everyone’s thoughts and experience were on this.
Anon says
Obviously there is no right answer, but for me I have a hard rule around water for my young kids. I want my husband or I supervising, because we know and can anticipate what our kids will do and are capable of. Now, if it’s just your parents and your daughter, they will probably do fine supervising her. But if there are other people who will be visiting or with them, I would fear a toddler getting lost in the shuffle at a critical time.
Another thing to consider is your parents’ fitness/energy (as well as your daughter’s, maybe she’s a chill kid who sits still!) Will they be able to keep up with her all week, or could it go south toward the end? In general I’m fine leaving toddlers for a weekend, but a week in an unfamiliar (unchildproofed) location takes more consideration.
For me this would be a no, but again, it’s totally up to your comfort level.
Anon says
This is a really, really good point.
Anon says
+1 I’m not normally too anxious about water (I mean, I take the right precautions but don’t focus on it) and this set up would also give me pause.
Do they have other grandkids? I wonder if they even fully appreciate what they are offering, a 2 year old can be quite different from even a now 18 month old and I wonder if they’ve factored that in, especially with the stress of the water aspect.
Anon says
No one has really offered to take our kid out of town without us, but we haven’t yet done it with our 6 year old, (even though we regularly leave her with my local parents to travel ourselves).
I think your instincts are right that a week is long and 2 is very young for this kind of thing, especially if she needs time to warm up to them. My daughter knows my parents really well but when we left her with them for the first time at age 3 we were only gone for four days and she continued living in our house (my parents moved in) and going to her daycare, and I think that continuity helped a lot.
Anon says
It probably depends on your tolerance for the reentry period, and how much mental value you would derive from being alone in your house for a week. I left my 3 year old for a week with my (spry, awesome, active) parents, and everyone was absolutely done at the end of the week. They had my daughter at my house, she went to her usual preschool every day, and it still felt like too long. It’s also a tricky age and time to be gone for a week. My 3 year old regressed big time with potty training and separation anxiety after the trip completed, and that made for a somewhat tough few weeks after. It was the trip of a lifetime, though, and I was mentally prepared for a tough reentry period, so it was definitely worth it.
If you are anticipating being fried, and don’t really want to deal with the readjustment after, or if you would stress about how your child is doing with your parents, then probably not worth it — see if maybe your parents or husband will keep your child for a day or two while you go to a local hotel. On the other hand, if being in your own home without having to manage a 2 year old sounds like an incredible break, so much so that the reentry is worth it, then go for it.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Thank you for writing about the “reentry” period. I have a few opps for weekends away coming up and I just…don’t feel like it. Part of it is because of the prep and re-entry period in this particular season. I hope I feel differently soon, but right now, anything more than a few hours just seems to be too much for me.
NYCer says
I left my then 2.5 year old with my mom for 6 days while my husband and I went to Europe. My daughter was extremely comfortable with my mom, however, and my mom stayed at our place so everything was otherwise “normal” for our daughter. We went Saturday night to Friday, so my daughter’s nanny was also around M-F during the day, so my mom wasn’t fully responsible for childcare all day. My mom has babysat my kids many other times while we have gone out of town, but she has never taken them on a trip without us FWIW.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We’ve left our kids with my parents for up to a week at a time, starting from when older kiddo was 11 months. However, the kids and my parents were always at our house, and we kept the routines the same. This was more to give us an opportunity for a couples trip away. Our kids haven’t gone away without us yet. I think I’d be a little nervous with a toddler around water, and at a new house. Not to say your parents won’t do their best, but toddlers are a lot and require constant supervision. It’s not exactly a relaxing beach trip.
Anon OP says
Thanks everyone – I’m pretty sure my initial instinct is no, it’s too soon. My parents are active and I trust them (and it would be just them and my toddler, not a huge crowd), but my girl is a tiny tornado and a week of her full-time is a lot, even for me. I’m going to suggest that my parents come and see us after their trip instead so they can help out around the time the new baby comes, and we can all plan a trip to the beach together for next summer.
Anon says
That sounds like a good plan! You’ll really appreciate the extra sets of hands next summer. They can take the 3 year old to the beach while you chill at home with the baby.
Anonymous says
At 2, I’d do a long weekend. Two year olds are tough.
anonM says
One thing I would consider is how you feel about your kids sleeping over at older ages, too. Once they get to stay the week with grandparents, it would be hard to abruptly stop. Everyone has very different thoughts on this, but just a consideration.
Anonymous says
Has anyone moved for a lower cost of living? Currently in a DC suburb and brainstorming what our next move is going to be if interest rates come down a bit.
Anon says
sort of. DH and I both grew up and spent our 20s on the east coast – combo of NYC, Philly & DC. when DH was finishing his MBA we sort of had a choice between Houston and NYC. I love NYC and am a city girl, but ultimately knew we couldn’t afford to raise kids the way we wanted in NYC and i didn’t want DH to spend his whole life commuting (this was pre pandemic when WFH was less of a thing) and never see our at the time non existent children. DH works in finance. We moved to Houston ~7 years ago where the cost of living is lower (though our house was still quite expensive, more than we’d thought we’d have to spend to get what we wanted). Our day-to-day life is easier than it would’ve been and we’ve made friends, though also have some trouble relating to some of teh people here…but we now live flying distance from all of our family and all of our other friends. i desperately miss being able to hop in the car for a few hours and be at a beach or a ski mountain or other interesting cities to visit, we are running out of things to do here on weekends when visitors come. we’ve missed a lot of family/friend gatherings and will sometimes fly east for 48 hours to attend something, which is so much harder than being able to drive. I grew up in DC suburb (right near cabin john park and my dad still lives there) and thought it was a great place to grow up, though whenever my dad comes to visit he mentions how things are less expensive here
Anon says
Left the East Coast (had lived in NYC and DC) for Houston. I grew up here, moved away for college + grad school, and then had a lot of friends come back here to settle down. I also have my immediate and extended family here.
Although I hate the state government, it was 100% the right decision for us. I’d say it’s not a LCOL city, but MCOL, maybe even trending HCOL depending on where you live and what you want. I get everything I loved about NYC (food, diversity of people, etc.) without any of the stuff that annoyed me about D.C. (felt like I was in a liberal echo chamber – I say this as a liberal person!, the constant focus on “what do you do?”, etc). I do miss being able to use public transit more, but I am able to keep a small footprint. While I appreciate natural beauty and nature I don’t NEED it the way some do – my neighborhood’s walking trail or even being outside on my porch is great for me.
I disagree with the above poster about things to do and interesting cities to visit nearby, but I clearly come from a different POV.
Anon says
Another “sort of.”
My move was driven by husband’s academic job, but we were hoping to get out of the Bay Area due to cost of living and our preferred location was the Midwest to be closer to my family. At the time we were 30, childless and renting a small apartment and saving a lot of money, but we weren’t sure how we would be able to afford a house or even a townhouse in the Bay Area, and I felt very strongly about being a homeowner before we had a baby (which in hindsight is sort of silly, but whatever). We ended up moving from Palo Alto to a college town in the rural Midwest (nearest real city is more than 1 hour away), so about as big a jump you can make from VHCOL to VLCOL. Life is easier here in many ways – especially cost of living and traffic – and I’ve never been someone who needs the amenities of a big city on a regular basis, just going to the city for activities and meals once a month or so is enough for me. Having a major university in town mitigates many of the issues of the rural Midwest (politics, lack of cultural diversity).
My main caution would be not to move away from family and close friends lightly. I underestimated how hard that would be. My two best friends still live in the Bay Area and we all had kids around the same time, and I often get sad thinking about how wonderful it would have been to watch our kids grow up together as quasi-cousins. We try to go back every year or two, but it’s not the same. We have built a village here, gradually (kids help) but it’s still hard and you can’t really replace friendships with people who’ve known you since you were a teen. We have been fortunate to have my parents move here, which has been great, and I’m not sure they would have been able to do that if we’d settled further away (they split their time between here and my home state for a long time), but a lot of our friends here don’t have any family nearby and really struggle with that.
Anon says
Fellow academic spouse here and your final paragraph really hits home for me. Luckily all the other academic families are in the same boat, so we can rely on each other in a lot of ways, but I’ve been really sad to not have extended family and old friends around as my kids are growing up. I cried once when after a soccer game I overheard a casual conversation a parent was planning the rest of the weekend with the grandparents. Grands came out to see the game, then offered to take the kids for ice cream while mom ran an errand, kids begged for a sleepover so grands said they’d call the aunt to see if cousins could spend the night too…. For my kids it’s only ever just us. And as much as I tell myself I am enough, I am stiff often sad for myself and my kids at class parties, recitals, games, religious events, where other kids have extended family or close family friends to celebrate them and we are … just us. It’s lonely and also tiring.
Anonymous says
It’s my daydream! My house is worth 1.5M in the Boston burbs and I could buy a nicer house for $750 elsewhere. But alas, kids.
Anon says
What does “alas kids” mean, schools?
Anonymous says
We moved to my hometown because my parents promised low childcare… when we moved there we saw it as an intermediary step between NYC and some other mythical lower-cost-of-living place that we would have chosen for our own reasons. But my parents were 70 when we moved here… it really did not occur to me that we’re basically stuck here until they die. When we moved (2015) it also did not occur to me that being in a red/blue state would matter so much, and we’re in a red Trumpy district in the Midwest. We’re saving a lot of money but we hate where we live.
Anonymous says
We moved from an HCOL area in the northeast to the SEUS when we were first married to reduce our COL so we could buy a house that wasn’t a run-down dump that required two big incomes just to cover the mortgage, and to reduce the general hassles of daily life in a crowded area. I feel like we were cheated a bit on the housing because due to timing and other factors we did not see the massive appreciation in housing values that HCOL areas did. Our house is now older than much of the nearby housing stock and not worth much more than we paid for it, while prices on new construction have soared. If we’d stayed in the HCOL for a few years and sucked it up on being house-poor we could have built enough equity to move here and buy a really nice house with cash. On the plus side, life is just so pleasant and easy in a way it wasn’t in any of the HCOL places we’ve lived before (Northeast, NYC, SoCal). Our city has a decent performing arts scene that is affordable and easily accessible. I can easily go wherever I want whenever I want, and even rush hour traffic is manageable compared with what we’re used to in the big city. I can run to Target or Home Depot or the post office or any one of four grocery stores within 5 minutes. We didn’t have to worry about high-stakes testing for kindergarten placement. The biggest downside is that there are too many ignorant provincial folks who’ve never lived anywhere else and want to exercise power over other people’s lives running the school board and the city council. As liberal-leaning moderates we have to be very careful of what we say and to vet our kids’ friends’ parents very carefully for unsecured firearms, militia membership, etc.
Anonymous says
I’m in the DC burbs (in MD) and grew up in more rural PA. Our family in PA would like us to move closer but their city isn’t THAT much cheaper, and the biggest problem is we’ve put down roots. We have a church, close by friends, our kids have a social system. I find it very easy to get outside and in nature with the kids. FWIW our interest rate is SO low at like 2.7% that we don’t feel that cost of living is that high right now. And houses appreciate value so much here. Like our house is worth $200k more than when we bought it 5yrs ago. We use the county for extracurriculars for kids so it’s relatively cheap. One odd cost here is the private pools. Like we could use the public pools but private seems the thing to do here?
Anon says
Any recs for a hotel in San Diego? I’m traveling with my active 70-something mom and my 6 year old daughter. We’re going to do one day at Legoland but otherwise are going to be in San Diego/La Jolla. I’d prefer to keep it under $500/night so no Hotel Del Coronado.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Are you hoping to stay in La Jolla or downtown (Gaslamp)? Downtown has some nice hotels – the U.S. Grant in particular is a luxury one. Lots of Marriotts and Hiltons that are probably more reasonably priced. La Jolla cove area is quieter and more picturesque – there seems to be a lot of hotels nearby.
Anon says
Not sure! Wherever is the best area to stay in for the main kid-friendly sights I guess? I used to work at a company that had a Del Mar office but I’m not very familiar with the city itself. I think my kid would enjoy tidepools but otherwise I don’t think the beach will be a big focus.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Downtown is closer to Balboa Park and the Zoo. La Jolla is gorgeous (I went to UCSD for college), and is closer to the more northern areas like Oceanside and Legoland. There’s a small but nice aquarium there too. I’d probably stay in La Jolla in your case – you can’t really go wrong with any of the hotels near there.
Anon says
I found out yesterday that my kid (3), interacts but doesn’t really speak in class in the larger settings, and in small groups will whisper or speak very quietly. At home they are LOUD and speak in phrases and sentences. They do have a minor speech delay and we have weekly ST for language and articulation.
This just made me…really sad. I flagged it to the SLP and she wasn’t surprised but…I dunno, it just got me really down, especially after seeing all the progress they’ve made the last few months.
Any empathy or positive stories around similar welcome. I’m really struggling with it.
Anon says
This seems fairly normal to me. Some kids are just naturally shyer than others. I don’t think it’s necessarily anything to do with speech delays or lack thereof. I was a painfully shy kid, but I had no issues with language or articulation.
Anon says
Uh… three of my four kids are like this. Now you’re making me sad and I never was before. This is literally the most normal thing in the world.
This may out me, but my oldest didn’t speak in her 3s class except to the teacher. She is still a somewhat reluctant group speaker, but she also performed in the Nutcracker for 10,000 people all told this year. She is a very normal third grader who participates in school a normal amount and has lots of friends.
My third is the biggest ham in the world at home, but not at school.
None of this has to do with speech. Don’t hold it against your kid for being quiet or shy! I was that way too! They’ll definitely improve but this may just be their personality.
EP-er says
So this is such a personality thing! I always have to have the conversation that my youngest is “acts reserved in new settings and needs time to warm up.” It comes up at meet the teacher night, camp, etc… and she is in middle school. Did she need speech therapy? Yes….but I never correlated the two things! She is a hoot at home when it is just the four of us, but in groups or around people she doesn’t know well, she prefers to observe. And that’s okay! I think that all of the time spent observing others gives her a lot of material to work with. ;)
OP says
Yeah mine warms up to people fast and is friendly but I guess just…doesn’t talk much, which could be personality and speech related.
My oldest is the opposite (right now at least), and takes time to warm up but then shares a lot (and has always been very verbal).
Anonymous says
I was knee deep in a work spreadsheet when I realized I need to look at summer camps…the mental load never ends.
Anon says
Yep! Lots of the day camps in my area have Feb 1 deadlines… it’s coming up soon!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep, I spent my Monday “off” working on our camp sign-ups, spreadsheet and all. And this is just for one kid for this year – next year I will have two in camps :O
AwayEmily says
Camp registration for us was yesterday! Luckily it’s very straightforward as long as we are fast at getting them registered. Both kids are at the same outdoor YMCA day camp all summer long (I’m sure they would love other options but this is so much easier for our family), and there’s a bus that leaves five minutes away from our house.
Anon says
Yeah most elementary school kids in my town with two working parents do one of three camps for the entire summer (parks and rec, Y or local university). Some people here seemed really surprised by that, but the other options mostly aren’t full day, and the three full time camps are similar enough that no one seems to see any value in doing a few weeks at one and a few weeks at another. The kids are happy and I think there’s something to be said for going to the same place all summer and really bonding with your camp cohort. We’re doing a mish mash of half day camps since my mom is local and can cover afternoons, and I’m questioning whether I’m making a mistake by not just having my kid in parks and rec all summer with her friends.
Anon says
for those of you who don’t travel frequently, when you do travel, how far in advance do you tell your kids? i have twin 5 year olds who are total mommy girls and i’m going away for 3 nights the first weekend in feb to meet up with my college besties. DH travels for work all the time/they don’t care where he is quite as much, but the last time i went away for that long was in March 2021. DH will also be on a work trip for the sunday – Wednesday of the week i leave and i leave thursday.
Anon says
The back to back trips will be hard on the kids, I don’t think there’s any way around that. I’m not saying don’t do it, just be prepared.
My 5 year old is more attached to her father, who travels fairly frequently for work. She often overhears us talking when the trip is booked (anywhere between 1-6 months in advance). We probably start discussing it more specifically a week or so before. Things were worse when she was younger, but now she doesn’t usually get weepy until she’s actually saying goodbye to him, or sometimes the night before.
Anonymous says
48 hours at that age. Enough time that it doesn’t feel like a total surprise but not long enough for them to get too worked up about something that isn’t happening for a while.
Spirograph says
Hm, I don’t know that you need to make it a big deal. I travel more frequently than that, but not constantly — on average, a couple days away once a quarter. I tell my kids whenever it naturally comes up because of logistics planning. So like if kid is invited to a birthday party and I’ll be out of town that day, I’d mention it then even though it’s still a month out. Otherwise probably sometime the week before, usually in the context of who’s going to be driving whom to activities. It’s just a matter-of-fact thing, and if you treat it that way, the kids are more likely to also take it in stride (IME).
Anony says
I travel occasionally for work but not frequently. I usually say something 4-5 days in advance – I feel like my 3-year old does best a little time to process (and get hyped up for dad time). That said, this weekend I think I screwed up; I mentioned a work trip that’s 2 months away in his earshot, and now he is soooo focused on it and asking every day. I need to be more careful!
Anonymous says
Usually we discuss Sunday night at dinner for the upcoming week. Then again about 24 hours in advance.
Random aside…. If I’m going to be out of town, then my 4 year old son immediately starts planning all the fun things he’s going to do for “Guys Weekend!!!!!!” with his dad. And then my son will share these plans, with all the details, with his daycare teachers. It’s hysterical to hear the reports that he has told his teachers “Guys Weekend” will. involve eating tacos and going to Costco. (We do not lead exciting lives.)
Anon says
I tell my 6 year old about two days in advance and try not to make a big thing of it. She will want extra time with me (like I’ll end up doing her bedtime both nights before leaving even if normally those are my husband’s nights) but then is fine once I’m gone. I think the idea of you and your husband tagging in and out may be kind of fun/funny to kids that age – hype that part of the week is mom mode and part is dad days or something, it’s all about the marketing!
Anonymous says
seriously, a 1 day school week? If I didn’t have a big work deadline, I would take snow days too, but now I just have a big work deadline and kids at home. sigh