Accessory Tuesday: Packable Floppy Hat

We are hosting a barbecue this weekend at the park behind our house. It will be 4 families, including 6 young kids and 2 middle schoolers. We host this every year and usually the kids just play on the playground, and with the soccer ball, stomp rocket, etc. But this year I want to have a couple more activities. I will have some reusable water balloons and sidewalk chalk. Is there a simple art or craft activity that I could set out on the picnic table as an option? Maybe like watercolor painting or something?

I think the answer is “no such thing” but: WHERE do I find clothes for this child?

My 8 year old daughter wears a girls’ size 14-16 (I am 6′ and my husband is 6’6″; she’s built like us (Ilona Maher but taller)). Even though she is so tall, she very much has a child’s body – adult sizes fit her strangely because she does not have adult proportions (no waist, hips, or bust); she has 8 year old proportions, just larger. She has outgrown the largest children’s sizes at Boden, Hanna Andersson and Primary. Out of all my kids, she has the most opinions about her clothes and likes to dress very traditionally childlike, think Boden, smocked dresses with ribbed tights, etc., and hates athleisure and jeans.

I go back and forth with wondering if I’m too impatient in a negative (or too old fashioned way) or if I’m doing a fine job and it’s okay if I”m a little stricter than other parents. I admit that I’m a pretty black and white, this is how it is person so sometimes I wonder if I”m not parenting with enough compassion, but on the flip side I think that it’s good for kids to not have everything revolve around them? I feel like I make a reasonable statement or decision and then I expect it to be listened to and directions followed.

Like, I didn’t struggle all that much with cry it out. I know its good for babies to be on a schedule and that they need to learn how to self soothe, I made sure the environment was safe and all needs were met (diaper changed, good temperature, recently fed) and figured that it would take some time but would be fine.

With picky phases, I don’t make some meal that I know the kids will hate (dinners are mostly a variation of chicken + grain + veg + fruit… also if you normally like apples, ate apples yesterday, but now “don’t like apples”, too bad – that’s that’s for dinner. You can either eat your fill of the other parts of dinner or you can choke down the apples if you don’t like the rest of dinner) but I am making one meal and they can choose to eat it or not, but that’s what’s for dinner. There are choices at all 3 meals, limited choices, but choices. I’m also not spending the entire dinner conversation talking about this or bargaining or convincing you that you like apples. It is here on the table, and you can quite literally take it or leave it. I’m not making them eat – it’s not like I’m not letting them up until they’re done eating or reserving them the meal for breakfast the next day or some horror story. But, we don’t do snacks after dinner and there’s no dessert unless you eat a proper dinner (vegetables) so you can eat your fill of what’s being served or you can wait for breakfast.

I think I’m fun when its time to be fun and I allow more screen time (my rule is that we only watch TV or movies and only on the TV – so now tablets, phones, video or phone games games, or watching the iPad at the restaurant, but I allow more time than others) and “junk” food than other moms. I am very tolerant of messy play like arts and crafts or a kitchen experiment and using the sprinkler even if it’ll kill the grass. I’m also a huge proponent of active play even if it may be a little riskier or rougher, so am okay with trampolines or climbing trees or playing ball in the house. So, I think we do a lot of fun things too.

I also feel strongly that kids should be out and about, but they also have to learn how to appropriately act when out and about. So, we take our kids out to eat probably about once a week. They can order whatever, I bring non-electronic toys like coloring books or a doll. We actively engage our kids in conversation, both fun conversation but also a few learning opportunities (table manners or hey what do you think that is). But, if there’s a tantrum then one parent is taking the tantrum kid out of the restaurant and we will not go back until calm down. Or, if its a non-tantrum issue you will be told sharply to knock it off and then we will leave (I try not to yell, but I do, but I think its fine to talk sharply to a misbehaving kid – I”m not using any negative language (cursing at them, telling them negative things about them like they’re dumb or bad or anything, but neutral words in a sharp tone certainly get used). I know some people would think that that’s mean: I’m expecting a kid to sit and behave without an iPad (yes, but I’m also providing other entertainment), I’m not letting a kid finish their meal (between 3 meals a day and snacks no one is going hungry, but yes you get to lose out on the special meal if you cannot behave.

I also try to be pretty emotionally in tune with my kids, so when something is harder for them I still have a standard that they’re held to (so not a total free pass for behavior) but I’m aware that they may be having bigger feelings and try to not push them. So like, if a kid is having a melt down day we won’t try going out to eat, we’ll have a calmer day at home. But if we are out to eat and there is a melt down, then we will leave. I understand that kids have big feelings, but they need to deal with those feelings in an appropriate way. I’m strict about sleeping schedules and not militant about eating but also make sure we don’t have hangry kids by having a plan for food – I want to make sure all needs are met so that a meltdown or misbehavior is not caused by a tired, hangry, or overly bored kid. I think kids being a little bored is fine – coming with me on errands or a short stop at a museum on vacation. But, I also don’t expect my kids to sit through a 3 course meal or spend a day in a museum. And, I make sure we have plenty of opportunity for both active play to get out the energy but also quiet time to chill out.

I feel like my approach is to clearly and explicitly set the boundary, allow just about anything within that boundary, but once its crossed I am not playing around and the hammer will come down. But, I feel like I can have a short fuse. If you cross that boundary, there will be a consequence. I’m not doing a million warnings. I count to 3, but when I get to 3 then you’ve had your chance and we’re done. We can discuss what choices you made, why you’re in trouble, and what you can do next time to not be in trouble but we’re not discussing all of these feelings or giving you an out for your behavior via our discussion. So, I know I’ve sent a kid to time out or taken away a privilege faster or for less than many other parents would, which does at times make me wonder if I’m too strict.

There was a discussion not that long ago where a few commenters posted about disagreeing with the use of melatonin and ADHD meds (when not absolutely indicated) for treating energetic behavior in young boys. I’ve been thinking about that since and I have a follow up question – are you able to get your kids enough exercise and activity to actually get them to study and sleep at night without those things? It seems that the modern lifestyle is often not set up to encourage that – especially with set work and school policies affecting the whole family. How are you wrangling it? Do you allow screen time?

Would you put your four-year old in a campaign shirt that supports a political candidate? We live in a mostly blue area and the shirt would be for Harris-Walz. I am Indian and caught up in the DNC excitement, and bought a bunch of campaign merch for myself. But I am having a moral dilemma about imposing my political views on my young child.