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Anon says
Cross posted with main s i t e
Query for this morning — what tangible items did your parents pass down to you/leave to you that was actually meaningful and special to you?
Background — it has become clear that my mother has stayed in her home far too long and kept far too many things. Unfortunately, we skipped right over the “lovingly pass on special items in a meaningful way” while downsizing, and into the “OMG, we need to get your house sold now to help financially support you in an assisted living center, and I’m sure there are special things being donated, but slowly curating household items cannot be the priority right now.”
I am committed to do better for my kids. I’d like my house to have functional items that are being used and a dedicated storage space to hold special items, and donate/toss things that aren’t being used.
So far, I have ONE dedicated plastic bin for each kid for their special clothes (outfit they came home from the hospital in, the first jersey for my travel baseball kid, something my daughter sewed, etc.), and ONE plastic bin for special items they make at school (early writings of their name, pictures they draw of our family, and stories they write that are meaningful, etc.). I am otherwise ruthless in donating or pitching toys that are ignored, clothing that piles up, and dishes, etc. that aren’t being used.
I worry a little that I’m overreacting and over-purging bc of the emotions of helping my mom. So, I guess I throw this out there – are there things your parents donated/tossed that you wished they’d kept?
Anon says
I prefer for family antiques and historical documents/photos to be saved – I have no baby clothes I wore or art I made and I don’t miss it at all, but I love using the side table my grandparents got as a wedding gift and the trunk from the 1820s that my great, great grandfather found. We just came across a stash of letters from distant cousins who traveled to Berlin in 1936 and wrote about their observations. That’s the stuff that’s important to me and not the jerseys/baby outfits, but if those are the things that matter to you, I totally agree with setting aside some dedicated space for them and then being strict about adding on.
Last year, we had to clean out a relative’s house (she had to move to assisted living with dementia) and she herself had intended to “clean out” for years, but lost the ability as her cognition declined. It was SO much work to do it for her, but we went in with an idea of what was important to save (certain books, art her father had made, etc.) and set that aside right away. Then we got ruthless about culling the rest, the things we know she wanted to get rid of herself but couldn’t (think spare linens she never used, a waffle iron that hadn’t been touched in 20 years, and so on).
Cb says
My mother-in-laws house gives me nightmares. Hundreds of DVDs and CDs, knickknacks, books, all sorts of random stuff, plus a collection of textile art. At least a dozen drums. A Chinese dragon costume. And it’s a complicated family dynamic with stepsiblings who would definitely want to sell things for cash. I’m hoping they move to a smaller place before too long – the steep steps are dangerous, they only have a bath not a shower, the roof is leaking and they’ve got damp. But alas, not my circus, not my monkeys.
Anonymous says
Yes- the things the whole family used for holidays, or more functional everyday items are the most valuable to me, and that’s how I’m approaching the things I keep. I don’t care about my baby clothes (did not love when my mom gave me a huge pile of polyester 80s baby clothes that were absolutely awful), and immediately got rid of the outfit I came home from the hospital in- save that for yourself, not for them.
My dad threw out the cookie cutters we used as kids at Christmas, and I was sad about that- I would have liked to have used them with my kids. We do have the advent calendar we used and the Night Before Christmas book that we read, which I love pulling out at Christmas and hope to pass down both to my kid. My brother has already called dibs on my parents grandfather clock.
Cb says
Oh I have my cloth advent calendar, childhood stocking (with matching ones made for my husband and son), and the angel from my grandma’s tree. I forgot about holiday stuff as my mom offloaded it when I got married.
Anon says
Ohhh this is helpful thanks. I will get my parents’ Christmas ornaments, but I’ve had my own house (and we go big on holiday decor), so the idea of absorbing my parent’s stuff AND having our own is overwhelming. I’ve been feeling guilty about getting rid of a Christmas tea set that my mom gave to me that I remember having at our house — but never like, actually using it. It was just displayed at Christmas. Maybe I’ll set it out for my 4 year old to play with it, and when it inevitably breaks, I’ll be happy it finally got some use and can throw away without guilt.
Anonymous says
Same here! My most prized possessions are the Christmas picture books from my childhood that my mom managed to save for me when my parents lost their home and divorced, along with a few decorations. The other thing I wish I had gotten was the wooden spatula with which she always cooked and I learned to cook.
Anonymous says
Also you know what has been surprisingly popular are some of the old toys that my parents and my husband’s parents kept. My husband and I, who are both absolutely ruthless about throwing stuff out thanks to all the junk we were “gifted”, are keeping this Sesame Street little people set from the 80s that my kids went crazy for. So, worth thinking about if there are a few special toys you want to hang on to.
Anon says
+1 My mom kept our Playskool dollhouses and Cabbage Patch collection, along with a smattering of infant/toddler toys, and it’s been very fun seeing our kids play with it all when we visit. My husband’s family kept years of Hess trucks, which are another big hit with grandkids.
Anon says
My mom kept almost every toy we had, and while that fact is sort of horrifying, it is still fun to see my kids play with all of our old 80’s toys.
Anon says
My parents did too. My daughter loves the very 80s -looking Fisher Price doll house.
Anonymous says
No comment on specific items because I think that varies from person to person. But I will say for me the biggest gift my mom gave us was sticking random post-its on things so we actually knew what it was. Ex: “Mirror from Grandpa X’s mom’s family”, etc. She would tell us over the years, too, but when you’re young you don’t always retain that information like you should.
anon says
What I have been happy to inherit is mostly framed artwork, which I chose and requested, partly because I like the art itself and partly because it reminds me of time spent in my family members’ houses. But it’s worth noting that what I like best is the same stuff the current owners are attached to and kept through several downsizing processes. We have all been very comfortable talking about death, so most of the art literally has sticky note “dibs” on the back.
I also recently inherited my grandpa’s library– the post-downsizing books that he had in his nursing home room. For the past 10-15 years I’ve been gifting him all the best books about our mutual interests, and it was a running joke that I wanted them back when he was “done with them”. Because I took a couple hundred books, I was also glad to have the bookshelves.
Anon says
I think it depends on how much storage space you have. My parents recently moved to an apartment in my city and unloaded truckloads of my stuff from their original house, but we have a large basement so it hasn’t actually been that big of a burden. My kid is using most of the toys and books and I don’t mind having my old photo albums, trophies and school papers.
I donate clothes, but plan to save most toys and books from my kid’s childhood, along with things like dance recital costumes and select art and schoolwork. Once she’s settled in a permanent home and has a family if she wants one, then I’ll start unloading stuff and giving away what she doesn’t want.
Anon says
It’s funny because others are saying no on clothes, and we totally used hand me down clothes that were mine. I’ve actually kept a bunch of cute baby clothes for my kids for that reason.
I also think it depends on the kid. My oldest is super sentimental. She loves wearing hand me downs and when her sisters wear her old clothes. My middle kid couldn’t care less – I don’t see passing these on to her although I’ll ask! Also I have four kids, so odds for grandkids are solid.
Old American girl dolls and accessories and old books have also been good. I am a furniture scavenger so that’s been useful too. Things I don’t want: Pictures of people I don’t know or scenery.
SC says
My parents saved a few boxes of sentimental items, but not a mountain of junk by any means. When they downsized, we had a nice time going through some of it together. I didn’t keep any baby clothes or shoes or my art work, but I had a nice afternoon looking at it before tossing it. I did keep some Christmas ornaments that I remember making with my mom. They also kept some really funny stuff, like a hospital bracelet “from when I almost died” (WTF?) and a lock of hair from my first haircut and a baby tooth (creepy). But even there, I have a good memory of laughing so hard that tears were rolling down my cheeks.
Like others have said, I value the things we used when I was growing up. If we had to sell everything today, I’d keep the Christmas dishes and the silver. I’m not really upset about anything they’ve thrown away, but there are some items that broke or got lost that I wish we still had.
My husband and I have received some furniture and household items from various family members–about 40% of our furniture, artwork, a piano, and a metal trash can and dish rack that we “fought” for 13 years ago. Mostly, we’ve taken things as people have downsized or offloaded, not really for sentimental reasons, though now I’m attached to the trash can and dish rack.
My husband’s great aunt kept some high quality toys in the attic. She passed away before she had grandkids, but my son loved them when we visited! DH and I have not saved toys though.
Anon says
I found a lump in my breast, have had an ultrasound, and biopsy and will have a MRI later this week. Meeting with the surgeon next week. Looking for positive vibes and experiences from the hive. For context had my mammogram 2 months ago and all was clear then. Thank you in advance!
Anon says
Sending positive vibes your way!
Anon says
Good luck! I had a lump in my breast and a mammogram and ultrasound found it was a benign cyst (basically a fluid-filled sac) which is very common. I later had a doctor drain it with a needle because it was uncomfortable and made me paranoid. Hopefully your situation also turns out to be okay. Wishing you the best.
Paging "silent" books says
My kids love/d the Owly series. There are few to no words, so I narrate it. We can focus on the visual expressions of people and interpretation.
anon says
Thanks!
Anon says
My husband keeps asking me what I want for an anniversary gift. I am SUPER pregnant and I don’t want anything pregnancy related since it will be over soon and this is likely our last child. My style has been in a huge rut as well with this pregnancy so I don’t really want any type of jewelry or accessories. Any ideas? I feel bad for being such a stick in the mud this year and I’d like to throw him a few suggestions. Gift giving is very important to him!
Anon says
Prenatal massage.
Anon says
Nespresso machine? Or similarly fancy coffee related. I have a newborn and we just got one for afternoon coffees
AwayEmily says
+1 to this! My husband got one for Christmas and we use it all the time. I have a decaf espresso most afternoons; it’s wonderful.Or you could take it to the office!
Anonymous says
Breville Bambino Plus espresso machine + a grinder with a built-in scale + a knock box for the puck + a “dosing funnel” to keep the grounds from going everywhere when you fill the portafilter. This espresso machine was our pandemic splurge and I still make at least one latte per day. Get a trial box of different espresso roasts from someplace like Blue Bottle Coffee and then set up a subscription for beans.
Anonymous says
Or a Nespresso as suggested above–less messy and also very good. I would get the one that has an actual steam wand as opposed to one with the separate milk frother for ease of cleaning.
Anonymous says
Things I’d consider: a truly splurgy floral arrangement, new throw pillows/blanket for the living room, new bedding, some fun barware or serving dishes. You could always ask for a gift card to buy some clothing when you’re ready. But if I’m being honest, I’d just buy clothes anyway as budgets allow whereas I’m unlikely to buy the other things until/unless they’re desperately needed. Or a fancy splurgy photo frame for your desk/bedside stand/wherever for a new family picture after the family is complete.
Anonymous says
My 2nd grader made a good friend at the beginning of kindergarten whose mom I also got along with well and for the last two years our families have basically been inseparable. We took the girls on all kinds of outings together, and even traveled abroad with this family. The girls are both only children and it felt like they were getting the best parts of the sibling experience: always having their buddy around for fun adventures but getting to go home to their own houses when they needed a break. All of a sudden the mom has become paranoid about a whole bunch of things (trying to avoid specifics in case she reads here, but it’s about as looney as windmills and ear cancer) and has severely restricted the activities her daughter can do, so most of the outings we used to go on are off limits and the girls can’t even play together very much. Her worries are so bizarre that I would think it’s a weird way of ghosting us but she still texts me constantly and the girls appear inseparable when we get together on their terms, so I don’t think it’s personal. My daughter has plenty of other friends, but none whose parents I know well and most of them have siblings and would mesh better with a family where all of their kids have a buddy. I know people grow apart but this is so sudden and I’m just feeling shocked and sad. My daughter is also very upset and I don’t know what to say to her.
Anonymous says
Is the mom having a mental health crisis or did something catastrophic just happen to their family?
Anonymous says
No catastrophe. I did wonder if there are mental health issues. I have a grandfather who had schizophrenia that was poorly controlled at times and there are… similarities. But I’m not a doctor. I did try to have a conversation where I said something like “Are you ok? All of this is very sudden and seems to be coming out of nowhere, is there something more going on?” But she shut it down quickly and said she’s completely fine and just worried about the kid. I’m not sure what more I can say.
GCA says
I’d worry about the daughter. Do you and the mom have other mutual friends, and if so what’s their take on it?
Anonymous says
The girls have mutual friends but neither she nor I know the other moms well enough for me to talk to them about her and if the kid goes to school as normal I doubt anyone would notice anything amiss, anyway. In the last couple of days she’s started talking about having the kid sit out recess and PE so I’m hoping that will raise some red flags with the school.
Anonymous says
It sounds like the mom is having a mental health crisis with anxiety or even schizophrenia. Our next door neighbor, who has two small children, has severe anxiety and doesn’t leave the house much/go outside. Is there any chance you can face this head on and tell her you’ve noticed a change and you’re a bit worried about her?
Anonymous says
Do you know her husband?
Anon says
That’s really strange and upsetting. Sorry!
Homeschooling Preschool says
I have a 2.5 year old with multiple food allergies, some anaphylactic. We live in a part of the country where the preschools don’t seem to be able to handle non-nut allergies responsibly, so we want to keep kid home until kid’s ready for elementary school (because then kid will be able to self advocate around food, there will be a nurse on site, and we’ll be able to get a 504 plan). The allergist agrees that this is “probably the best option” if we can swing it.
From a work perspective, this is not an issue for us; we are self-employed and already structure our week so we do the 100% of the childcare. But I’m worried about it from a developmental perspective! Does anyone have good books or other resources on early childhood education?
We are already doing a playgroup and music class each week; I don’t want to over program kid, but I do want to allow opportunities for socialization. I also don’t want to over program on “school”, but I want my kid to show up ready for first grade (or kindergarten, if we can get the 504 plan in place by then). Kid gets a ton of time outside and playing freely, which seems to be a great fit developmentally right now (and I don’t plan to stop having that be our main approach!). Kid loves books, numbers, etc., so I think our biggest challenge will be coming up with creative new things to try, frankly!
Any thoughts/resources are welcome. Thank you!
Anon says
first of all hugs, this sounds really tough. you could do something like the Busy Toddler ‘playing preschool program.’ while i know you don’t plan on permanently homeschooling, there could be activities for a homeschool crowd as kid gets older. our local library also has a great story/music time, i’d take kid to playground a lot, you could try out a sport or gymnastics or something. i wouldn’t worry so much right now. i think what you are doing sounds great!
Anon says
Just my opinion but there’s a huge difference between skipping preschool and skipping K. In many places kids learn to read (or make huge progress towards reading) in K, as well as learning a lot of social-emotional skills and developing independence and maturity. In our district, probably 25% of the kids have SAHMs and go to K with nothing except some play group type stuff like you mentioned and they’re totally fine. So I wouldn’t overthink “homeschooling” preschool. But you can’t realistically send a kid into first grade without formal homeschooling, and I question how you’d meet the social and emotional developmental parts of K as a homeschooler.
You can definitely have a 504 plan in place before the start of K, it’s a legal requirement.
Anonymous says
I’m not the OP. To address your question about social and emotional learning of homeschoolers (because “WHAT ABOUT SOCIALIZATION?” Is a tireless question for us homeschoolers). During K my DD went to a 6hr drop off outdoor program for homeschoolers once a week (20 kids in her “class”, 60 kids total). We did a homeschool playdate once a week. She did gymnastics. We went to church and Sunday school. We went to play dates at parks after public school friends got out of school. We played with cousins and had family visit. We homeschool and both my kids are comfortable speaking to adults and have friends. If you want to look at the research, homeschoolers score higher on socialization in studies than their public school peers. They’re much more used to being around a variety of ages rather than just a large group that is exactly their age. School is not real world socializing. At no point in life will you be grouped with people exactly your age, except in traditional schooling.
Anon says
Right. I wasn’t saying that homeschoolers can’t be properly socialized. I was saying that it takes a more structured program like a homeschool co-op, whereas preschoolers need very little formal socialization imo. Academically you also have to be more formal about K than preschool if you’re homeschooling. Lots of kids of SAHMs start K not having had any formal education, but virtually no one goes to public first grade with no prior formal education. That’s why I don’t think OP should lump preschool and K in together. The amount of effort involved to properly homeschool is very different.
Anonymous says
+1 we met with our elementary school over the summer before K to get our plan in place. Of course it’s a work in progress, but they are required to work with you to provide a safe learning environment. And in may places K is required (or proof of an acceptable homeschool/alternative program).
Anonymous says
Hello! I’m a SAHM and we homeschool (I used to be a corporate mom so how I found this site years ago). My kids have been in some sort of pt preschool but my 4yo did pure play/outdoor preschool last year so I took care of the kindergarten prep at home. Until age 4 I really wouldn’t stress. If you do puzzles, educational toys, read books, bake together, and play outside (hours a day when feasible!) and talk about life your child will be fine. Develop fine motor skills by tearing up small bits of paper, cutting with scissors, playdoh, coloring, and painting on an easel. My kids learned numbers up to 20, basic addition, colors, etc…all through play and toys. We use a homeschool curriculum (The Good & The Beautiful) to teach letters/letter sounds before kindergarten but there’s tons out there. A LOT of people like Busy Toddler Playing Preschool, there’s also preschool subscription boxes. Busy Toddlers website is a good source for activities to develop fine/gross motor skills. Again, you don’t need to do any of this right now at 2.5. I always remind myself and other people that preschool is a very new invention and almost all kids throughout history stayed with their primary care giver from ages 0-5 and yet here we all are! Have fun with your child and it’s amazing to witness all of their learning in the early years first hand.
Anon says
I am a SAHM and send my kids to preK at age 4; before that we do no childcare/preschool or moms day out programs. Still, my kids have all been very prepared socially and academically for school.
We do go to library storytime and lots of playgrounds, meet up with neighbors/friends occasionally and take one-off sports or music classes, and they have lots of practice being in the world by accompanying me everywhere. It’s a fallacy that kids need tons of time with peers for social development; in fact, watching their trusted adults interact (with cashiers, etc) and being around people of all ages is optimal.
I know preK 4 is still a year sooner than kindergarten, but I want to assuage your worry that being home at ages 2-3 and even part of age 4 will not hinder your child. Possibly the opposite, as time, maturity, and a secure home base prepare a child to spread their wings better than anything else.
Anon says
My kids went to a completely play based preschool, and they both are fine in elementary school. I think the most important thing kids “learn” in preschool is how to interact and eventually socialize with other kids. I wouldn’t worry about teaching her academic things, but I would try to find ways that she can be around other kids her age. Can you take her to classes? Open gym at somewhere like My Gym? Sometimes our local library has arts and crafts classes, but there are also dedicated stores that do the same if your library doesn’t have that. Even the playground would be fine.
Anon says
I agree OP’s kids will likely be fine without formal preschool and agree the most important learning in preschool is social-emotional, but my kid learned a lot of academics in play-based preschool, including all letter recognition, most letter sounds and numbers up to maybe about 50. To me “play-based” means they don’t sit down and drill worksheets. It doesn’t mean zero academic education is happening.
Anon says
Ok, well I was just relaying my experience at our play based preschool. They did ZERO academic education. Sounds like yours was different, and that is great too.
Anon says
I will add… We supplemented with academic learning at home, so my kids started Kindergarten knowing all their letters, how to count and do simple math, how to sound out words, but none of this came from actual preschool!
Anon says
BusyToddler on IG has a homeschool preschool curriculum that is play based. I hesitate to call it a curriculum because it is really a set of activities and explorations appropriate for preschool aged kids organized in units/ topics, but they don’t have to be done in strict order or anything like that. I think it would be a good source of ideas.
I would really try hard to get the 504 in place for Kindergarten and go to Kindergarten (or at least 1 semester of Kindergarten). There is a huge social / being independent aspect to child development that occurs in PreK and K that is probably hard to replicate without physically separating from your parent. I think it would be hard to do that learning and the academic learning in 1st grade (kids in our district are fully reading in first and the curriculum is designed that way). 1st grade isn’t set up for kids transitioning to formal school, but Kindergarten is, and even with that additional support the transition to Kindergarten seems really hard for many kids.
OP says
Thank you. The limitation on kindergarten will be my child’s allergies. We did not have the “all the allergies are identified by one” experience, and in fact are in a testing protocol right now for a new one to add to the list that just emerged a couple months ago. I really hope this is the last one, but I thought the last one was the last one.
Intellectually, I know 5 is a long ways away in terms of allergy stabilization, child self advocacy, and OIT. But emotionally, I’m just not at 100% we’ll be ready then yet…but I’ve got a while to get there.
Anonymous says
One thing you might consider is public pre-K. Our district has a “reverse inclusion” preschool program that is open to disabled kids plus a limited number of non-disabled kids by lottery. A 504 would be available in that program.
If his allergies are that severe, I’d also try speaking with someone who does educational advocacy around 504/IEP plans. In addition to helping you structure your requested plan, they may know how to play the game to get your kid into public preschool, and may also know of private preschool programs (perhaps affiliated with private K-12 schools) that will be most accommodating.
anon says
I have four kids. Oldest went to a Montessori school part time through 1st grade, then switched to a regular school for 2nd. Next one stayed home until kindergarten. Third had very part-time preschool (5 hours/week), then we homeschooled kindergarten (also in 5 hours/week), and then went to school in 1st. (One is too little for school).
They are all doing great and switching to school in 1st or 2nd grade was no problem. I actually wish we had kept the one who went to kindergarten home until 1st grade, and we don’t plan to send the youngest to kindergarten.
By the time they went to school they had done swim, gymnastics, soccer, and violin lessons and gone to Sunday school so had no problem with separating from a parent, listening to a teacher and following a lesson. Starting around age 3 we do activities from A Year of Playing Skillfully and Playing Preschool but don’t follow either one closely. Then we work in Preschool Math At Home. Around 4 1/2 we start Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons . Plus lots of read alouds and outdoor free play.
When they switch to school they form friendships with children from across grades, not just their own grade level, but that’s the only social difference I’ve noticed and I think it is positive. I think your plan to keep him home until 1st is will be great and he’ll likely be ahead of peers academically, socially and emotionally.
OP says
Thank you, everyone. All of these comments have given me a lot to think about and, more importantly, a lot of hope that whatever choices we make here will be fine developmentally. This has been a rough stretch. Hopefully, things will be much easier by the time we actually have to make the kindergarten enrollment decision, and we can make that decision based primarily on what feels most right for our family at that age.
OP says
Whoops, double-posted my gratitude!
OP says
Thank you, everyone. These comments have given me a lot of resources and a lot of hope. It’s been a really rough stretch, but I’m looking forward to hanging out with my little sidekick for the next couple of years. Thank you again!