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Anon says
Hi all,
I read through the SAHP thread last night and was fascinated by all the different thoughts. I feel like the idea of “equal leisure time” comes up here a lot and I struggle with it sometimes. Frankly- both my husband and I would love to be full throttle in our jobs and have the other one be a SAHP. I had the bigger job before kids and purposefully stepped back to be more available for our kids and our family. 100% my choice but it’s in service to our family, not his job and I’m not cool with him putting in extra time at work and expecting me to carry the load at home.
Just wondering what everyone else’s thoughts are and if you struggle with the same stuff too. 2 careers + kids is tough stuff and I appreciate this community.
Anon says
Yeah, it can be complicated. I think it sort of assumes you have similar attitudes towards work, which not all couples do. My husband likes his job way more than I do, and often works even when he doesn’t “need” to. Which is fine, but I feel like it wouldn’t be fine to turn around and count all those hours as work hours and say he gets to do a lot less with the kids because he’s working so hard, when a lot of it is kind of by choice. We’ve never really endeavored to have an exactly equal number of leisure hours, in part because assigning work vs leisure is complicated.
anon says
I think the reverse applies to like I do a lot more kid work because I want to and we also have different standards that make my way of parenting more tiring i.e. less screen time, healthier foods, trying to teach or play with them etc.
Anon says
+1, DH thinks of tv time with them (when he is also on his phone) as quality time
Spirograph says
Your different standards thing is spot on for me.
DH and I have both gone through phases where we care more or less about our jobs. If you ask me, I will say my family is more important and I’d rather spend my time (beyond the 40 typical work hours at least) with my kids. But I practice, similar to my different parenting standards, it is important to me to do things “right” and do a “good job” and when I had a demanding boss, I often let that erode the boundaries between work and free time. Also, work is easier, even if I don’t enjoy it more, so when I’m tired and overwhelmed, I’ll keep working instead of unplugging to engage with the kids. Luckily my husband calls me out on it.
In general, I could (and probably should) do a lot less than I do. My husband prioritizes his leisure time, but he pulls his weight on the actual necessary things at home like food, laundry, and childcare, so I can’t begrudge him playing video games at night while I do housework if I’m the one who decided the linen closet needs to be reorganized.
Anon says
Yeah, this “choice work” time is one of the big things that trips us up. My husband likes to intensely meal prep his lunches (the kids and I don’t eat them) and do 2 hour work outs. So on the weekend I’ll take the kids for 3 hours so he can do these things but then he also wants leisure time and it’s like, my dude, I need you to prioritize it then!
anon says
I posted yesterday that DH is a SAHD and I don’t do much around the house. I am by nurture and nature a workaholic and would love to be at work all the time. DH is a hard worker but never loved his job so that was one of the reasons he stayed home. But we are on the same page as far as ordering our lives in service to our family – I’ve reduced my schedule somewhat after each baby and make an effort to be home each day at 5:30 (don’t always make it, but I try) even if I log on after kids are in bed again. If I was a SAHM and my husband was not making an effort to still be around for our family… yeah that would be not cool.
Lyssa says
The phrase “service to his job” is interesting to me – I guess it gets into why one is working. I would assume that putting in extra time at work is in service to the family – that is, working toward making more money or some other benefit. But if working more time is something to mostly benefit the individual worker, that’s different.
Obviously, we fall in love with who we fall in love with, and there’s a limit to how much “planning” one can do here (I’m not going to claim I wasn’t mostly just lucky), but I do think things can work a lot better if ambitious women marry and start families with men who are less ambitious/career-driven (which is obviously not the same thing as slackers). Two parents who are both career-focused is always going to be very challenging. Societies advance when people specialize.
Anon says
“Two parents who are both career-focused is always going to be very challenging.”
This – especially if you want more than one or two kids.
Anon says
I think the link between extra work and extra money is often not very direct, if it even exists at all. Also there comes a point for many upper middle class families where they have enough money for their basic needs and wants, and their partner’s time is more valuable than a few extra dollars. That’s definitely how I feel (I’m the 9:02 poster).
Anon says
Maybe I’m just basic but I grew up middle class and honestly I don’t care about a lot of the upper class status markers. I don’t want another house, we can already afford private school, college, and vacations, neither of us have crazy expensive hobbies (flying, horses) and while I like clothing I honestly don’t think I could ever be comfortable in the really high end stuff. I also volunteer a bunch and we have family that is still very working class so I am hyper aware of just how insanely privledged we already are!
Cb says
Yeah, my husband could make loads more in a corporate job but he’s got job security and flexibility, we have a nice little house, can afford everything we need most things we want. We get plenty of holidays, nothing fancy but not eating beans and toast in a caravan either, kid always has new books, can go to the museum, etc. At that level of comfort, more money doesn’t seem worth the accompanying stress.
Anon says
I definitely struggle. Husband and I both work full time. We currently have a 2 year old with another one on the way in the next few months. To be completely candid, it is really hard to find any sort of balance. My husband has earlier hours than me and frequently has 7am work meetings and his commute is longer than mine (construction industry), so by default I end up doing more of the house work and getting my daughter ready for school. I often get frustrated with the situation because I feel like I am doing a LOT right now. I am also 7 months pregnant and feel myself slowing down. So…let’s just say these next few months are about to get interesting, ha.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree that both partners need to be on the same page regarding work and priorities. It can be so easy to fall into putting all of your time and effort into paid work because (and this is the dirty little secret executive men don’t want to tell you), it’s a lot easier in a lot of ways to do an office job. You get to sit in a comfortable office, speak to other adults and get so much validation for “working hard” and putting in the hours. And the money, obviously. Whereas caregiving and house work is often not seen as “work,” though IMO, it’s a lot harder/unpredictable and you definitely don’t get immediate validation from your children. And the tough thing for the SAH parent is that they are reliant on the other spouse’s money so what leverage do you have? Divorce is hard and you often don’t get an even split.
What’s worked for us is for both of us to have outside the home jobs that pay well and that offer a lot of flexibility (yes, we’re privileged). And we both actively step away to do caregiving at night and weekends because we both value it. I think I would have a tough time with either of us being a SAH parent.
Anon says
+1 to this approach, which is largely how we do it as well. It’s about a 60/40 split in my house when we’re both home (husband has a commute, I WFH) but I travel much more often than he does (5-8 trips a year now, down from 1-2x/month pre-pandemic). When I travel the balance obviously shifts and he’s doing more so in the long run it mostly evens out.
I’ll also say that it’s helpful to talk through/strategize your career approach together too. I’ve moved roles/firms more while my husband has been with the same team for 25 years. I’ve steadily grown my salary to where we now have about the same level of base pay, but my benefits are MUCH better. He’s about to take a new role which is an eat what you kill one, so my income will be a cushion while he builds up a book. I’m prepared to handle more home stuff in the short term as we expect the first 1-2 years to be more all out. Totally fair – he’s done more when I started in new roles/companies multiple times now.
Boston Legal Eagle says
And we’ve both been laid off in the past so are fully aware that no matter how much the company tells you it values you, it comes down to the bottom line at the end of the day so don’t put all your effort into the job. Which is much easier to have as a mindset when you’re not the sole breadwinner and insurance carrier!
Anon says
+100 to an office job being easier in so many ways than managing kids at home.
Also, I was surprised by the comments yesterday about all of the downtime a SAHP has. Maybe it depends on the age of the kids, but I definitely have more downtime at the office than at home on the weekend (and this was true in a high pressure intense job). So I don’t see staying at home as being all of this relaxing all of the time.
At least for me, trying to get things done or relax during naptime is always stressful because it’s unpredictable and you don’t know if you have 1 more minute or 1 more hour. So even if you have little kids at home who nap, it doesn’t seem easy to me.
Anon says
I don’t think weekends are analogous. Working parents try to soak up quality time with their kids on weekends rather than doing chores, because it’s our only chance to see our kids. SAHMs either have kids in school, or they have toddlers at home who get schlepped to the grocery store and either play by themselves or follow along after mom while she folds laundry.
All that is not to say a SAHM is lazy or at fault if she can’t get everything done during the week, but I do think the weekend comparison is off base. When you have your kids all the time you don’t focus your attention on them the same way (nor should you — it wouldn’t be healthy for the kids either).
ifiknew says
It really depends on the age of the kids. My kids are 5 and 7 and with the youngest starting kinder, it’s really hard to justifying becoming a SAHP except for the summers. Kids under this age if they are not in full time daycare is exhausting work. what do SAHP parents do once all kids are in school? If i do it, it will be because I am ready to retire, not because im taking a break from the workforce.
Anon says
I had a SAHM who never went back to work, and she kept busy. Number/ages of kids matters even into the school years; if you have two kids two years apart they are compact, same life stage, etc. My mom had three, all three years apart so it was multiple schools (and dismissal times, and days off) and stages of life.
Elementary school is pretty set it and forget it, but as kids become tweens and teens being available matters a lot. She did a lot of driving to activities and hosting friends at our house after school, which was really helpful to their working parents! And she helped with aging relatives, neighbors who needed a hand, etc. It certainly wasn’t as demanding as having a gaggle of toddlers, and she did start doing things for herself during school hours (joined a gym! Met friends for lunch!) but running a household still takes time. And after a decade of having kids home full time, it’s not the worst thing to be able to take a little time for herself while they are in school.
Anon says
When you’re a SAHM of school age kids your “work day” kind of shifts. You’re on break from ~9-3 while they’re at school, but then working from 3 until whenever they go to bed, which can be late if they’re tweens or teens. It can be a full work day with all the logistics of driving to activities, homework help, plus the emotional support for the middle and high school years.
Also most SAHMs of school age kids I know do significant volunteer work.
anon says
That’s fair, but working parents run a household and generally have far less leisure time than SAHP to elementary+ age kids, like I have SAHP who say “I’m so busy making dinner, running errands, going to the gym” etc and it’s like but working parents do all that and work. Totally different story when the kids are young, but it is a lot harder to justify staying home unless you approach it like you are retired
Anon says
I don’t disagree that working parents also run their households, and part of the reason I’m a SAHM is because I didn’t want the stress of working, too! I admit I freely chose this because for me it is easier.
But a lot of working parents with school age kids pay for aftercare, and camps during school breaks and the summer, which is outsourcing a lot of what a SAHP does and isn’t the same workload. Same with having a house cleaner, or a lawn service (I often feel like the only person I know that cleans my own bathrooms and cuts our lawn!) Or things like instacart, or getting takeout; for money reasons, I spend hours grocery shopping each week and we make dinner at home at least 350 days a year (with another 10 being times we eat at someone else’s house).
I know this is not the case for everyone, and I don’t want to devalue at all the efforts it takes to be a working mom (like I said, I’d struggle a lot!) But it’s also disingenuous on this board of wealthy-ish people to claim that working parents do all the same household/childcare tasks as SAHP, even of older kids.
Anon says
I agree with 11:08. Working parents normally outsource way more housework (part of why I work is because I don’t want to clean my own toilets!) but even if you set aside the outsourcing of household chores, the hours that kids spend in aftercare and camp or with a nanny or au pair add up to a lot.
SC says
My husband is a SAHD to a 9-year-old who is entering 3rd grade, and I work from home, so I have a good idea of his schedule. DS has ADHD and maybe autism or maybe just several things that have a lot of overlap with autism (diagnoses of anxiety and sensory processing disorder in addition to ADHD).
– 6:15-8 am: DH gets up and handles the entire morning routine and drives DS to school every weekday.
– 8-10 am: DH gets ready for his own day – breakfast, shower, read the news, etc.
– 10 am – 3 pm: DH does all the stuff. He runs 50% of our errands, does 80% of the laundry, and depending on how busy I am at work, 30-90% of the dishes. He also does 100% of the cooking, and he usually starts prepping during the day. He manages our rental property, which is a mix of communicating with tenants, fixing stuff himself, and managing vendors. He keeps our 1980s house, computers/internet, and older cars maintained. He spends an insane amount of time dealing with getting needed medication (it should not be so hard). He’s available for random school holidays, teacher workdays, DS’s sick days, etc. He gets called to help out our parents on a semi regular basis. (We have 3 sets of local parents in town, and they’re starting to need us more.) Occasionally, he’ll get on a kick and take on a home renovation project. He’s replaced our floors and repainted a fair amount of our house. There is a tendency to leave projects unfinished though–our quarter-round is still unpainted 6 months after he finished the rest of the project. (We do have a cleaning service and a lawn service, which both come twice a month, but that is relatively new and was not true of the first 5 years that DH was a SAHD.)
3 pm – 5:30 pm – DH does school pick up and drives DS to appointments and activities. DS has 2-5 appointments per week, depending on the week. When they get home, DH supervises reading time and homework.
5:30 – 7:30 – DH cooks dinner, and we eat together.
7:30 – 8:30 – DH does most of the hands-on work of getting DS ready for bed. Now that DS is older, this is mostly supervision and administering medication. Admittedly, bedtime is easier than it used to be, but it’s not exactly down time either.
All in all, we BOTH get a lot more downtime than if we both worked. I can completely opt out of the morning routine with the kid, so 6:15-8:30 or 9 is entirely my own time. I usually hang out at the kitchen island while DH cooks dinner, though during the school year, I’m available to help DS with homework as needed. Once DS goes to bed, we’re done with chores for the day, and we can read, sleep, etc. We’re both able to have a night out for our hobbies or friends a few weeknights per month.
Anon says
Our baby isn’t here yet, but my friends tell me that the best way to approach nap time is free time for yourself and don’t try to accomplish things like emptying the dishwasher that you can do while the baby is awake.
Anon2 says
I agree with that, to an extent. I always took half of nap time to eat, read a book, etc, but I did do chores the other half. While you technically can do chores with awake babies, some babies scream unless they are held, or need to eat every 2 hours, or become freaked out of their mind by the vacuum, or you have a toddler that gets into everything and wants to “help”, making chores a lot less pleasant.
So yes, unloading a dishwasher can totally be done with a kid nearby, but some things like cleaning a bathroom or organizing a closet are a lot more doable while the kid is sleeping (and borderline impossible with some kids when they are awake.)
Taking moments to recharge throughout the day is necessary! But I also don’t know that I’d frame it as “relaxing”, as people said in the other thread, because you are still on call and the nap that’s supposed to last 2 hours could suddenly end after 45 min.
Anon says
Totally, but I’ve personally been reframing the idea that I “can’t” relax if I don’t have a massive, set amount of time free for it. It’s something I’ve struggled with over the years – telling myself I have “no time” for myself when in reality there is a lot of time, or acting as if I can’t read a book or have quiet time if I only have 20 minutes at my disposal. It’s a mindset shift to make the most of the time you have. Others probably haven’t struggled with this the way I have, though.
Atlien says
This is a good framing– prioritize things you definitely CAN’T do when the baby is awake, i.e., take your own nap, exercise, etc. Many chores ultimately CAN be done while baby is awake, depending.
GCA says
+1, this is how we do it. Neither of us has ever wanted to be full-time primary parent or sole breadwinner, both of us value family life and caregiving, and so we’ve always negotiated/ strategized a way forward together. For example, because we had small children when my husband finished his PhD, he decided not to go into academia and be subject to its unpredictable long-slog tenure-track journey (plus, in his field, a significant dose of fieldwork in remote areas), and is very happy in industry instead.
Anon says
My situation is a little different in that I’m a full time SAHM, so it is a bit in service to his job. I’m available all the time for the kids so he can work long hours when he needs to, even if “working” involves cocktail parties because networking is important. We have four kids so it is a lot that falls on me, by design, as he’s often goes 12+ hours a day including the train commute (we are in the NYC burbs).
But, when he is home he is more than an equal partner. I’m the one who said he makes dinner and cleans up 90% of the time, and on weekends he is pitching in around the house and being a totally equal parent. If he acted like a chauvinist breadwinner who makes all the money so he should get to chill at home, that would not be cool. We are both working hard for the family and life we created.
Plus, he likes working at a job! He does not want to be in my position. And I assume it’s the same for most men in busier jobs. So it’s a little sh*tty for them to get to do the work they want and then also claim that they are too busy to help on the home front.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“So it’s a little sh*tty for them to get to do the work they want and then also claim that they are too busy to help on the home front.” yes, it is, and yet it happens a lot because of the unbalanced money dynamic and our capitalist society’s focus on paid work = best. Divorce laws aren’t always favorable to the SAH parent. I don’t know what the solution is, but this has always been in the back of my mind when considering work situations.
Anon says
Definitely struggle with this because my husband has a hobby that he is so serious about that he considers it almost a 2nd job, whereas to me it’s leisure time that should only be done after “real” Work as well as home/family chores are done.
Debating between Fair Play cards or finding more household help/housekeeper.
Much of the discussion yesterday resonated! I agreed with the poster who said that there was a better split with just 1 baby than now 2 kids. It’s hard and it all changes and ebbs, too! I just started a new job with more face time which is a big adjustment too, so just feeling the pinch of home/work acutely right now
Anon says
We are expecting our first and neither is particularly career motivated. We’d rather coast and have more leisure time and it’s something we really hope to cultivate as a family. We’re both planning to continue working full-time so we can afford our rent and the nice things that we like to do.
Cb says
We have 2 fulltime (but reasonable hours) jobs and 1 kid. Academic and government IT. We have had a real reset this year now that I’m not travelling 30% of the time. I think about leisure time on a daily basis, with the goal that we’re both off-duty by 8, giving us a few hours before bed. If we’re both WFH, one of us does pick up while the other starts dinner. I am the preferred story time parent (do better voices), so my husband will stack the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, etc so we can both relax once those things are done.
I am much more likely to need and take time away though. My husband would happily just hang out as a family and I need social interaction, yoga classes, etc. I try not to leave him solo more than 2 nights a week (I’ve got a hellish commute if I’m in the office, thankfully quite rare) but I’m a happier wife, mom, person when I’ve been to workout or had lunch with a friend.
There are no real political science emergencies, while my husband is a bit more on call if there’s a cyber attack, etc. So some flexibility is necessary. We just try to err on the side of kindness. If I’ve gotten into a writing flow, he’ll tell me to stay late in a cafe and write, if we’re running late for the bus and I’ve got a chill morning, I’ll let him run ahead while I do dropoff. He generally takes kid sick days because his work gets done whilst he’s away, while mine doesn’t. We also both make £50k (public sector scales) so the balance of power in the relationship is equal from that perspective.
Anonymous says
I struggle with this too, much more than my husband does. I think types of jobs matter here. My husband is in healthcare, so when he’s at work he’s at work, but when he’s home, he’s home for real. I guess he does do extra academic work at home, but always post-bedtime, so that doesn’t really register in our work/parenting balance. Because of that it’s very straightforward for us to set aside some leisure time for him. I’m a lawyer and I work mostly remotely. I can ALWAYS go into my office to do more work. I always have a long to-do list; I’m always getting emails. So on weekends, if I take my child out for a couple of hours solo, my husband usually uses that time for a hobby; when he does that, I usually work. I have no problem setting work aside for family time, but I do for “me” time, and as a result I get really burned out (even though I also find work really fulfilling, which is why it’s often my go-to). I’m actually making a conscious effort to do things a little differently to try to get out of the burn-out right now but it’s tough in the moment.
anon says
I have the exact same issue that is partially the nature of my work and partially my own doing. When I take kid out to run errands on a saturday my husband defaults to leisure time. I do generally ask him to tackle one chore while I’m gone (Hey can you run the vacuum while we are at costco). When he takes the kid, I’m either doing chores or something related to work. My work isn’t even that critical so a lot of it is just bad habits I’ve gotten into which results in burnout.
Cerulean says
I wish people had touched on the fact that while perhaps most or all of the *housework* can be completed during the workday (dependent, of course, on the ages and number of kids and other needs), the *childcare* itself literally cannot be completed within the workday. Getting to be 100% “off” after work doesn’t happen when you’re a parent unless the kids are asleep or being watched by someone else (whether your partner or a babysitter).
Anon says
Yes! And I kind of bristle at the framing that being with your kids is all “work”. Yes there are duties and tasks that have to be done, but this is your family, supposedly your favorite people in the world. To an extent, it’s just living.
(I am a SAHM, I KNOW kids take work and can be a challenge. But I don’t view putting my kids to bed as a “chore”, for example; it takes effort, sure, but it’s bonding and chatting and reading together, and some of the most special memories.)
Anonymous says
This is just a tricky area. How old are your kids? I am asking because mine are all in elem now and my husband wants to be way more involved than he ever did in the pre-school years. I think the fact that we have one going into middle school hit him hard and he is realizing we have *two* kids that are more than halfway through their 18 year childhood with us so he’s spending a lot more time trying to be home/present. We also have one kid with complicated health and behavioral issues that has been front and center for the past year and he’s made sure to be 120% involved in that situation.
It also depends on the stage of your respective jobs. My husband was full throttle for a few years and has been able to coast ever since.
Finally, it also depends on what “carry the load at home” really means. Is this like, housework? Or emotional management? Family planning (holidays, vacations,gifts, etc?). I would also encourage you to look not just at your husband but also at your kids to step up if/as they are old enough. I kept getting frustrated with my husband when in actuality, the KIDS needed to start contributing more to the household management. It took some heavy handed training from DH and me but as a family of 5 we run a lot smoother now with everyone owning more of their own mess and having some communal jobs. This summer my 9 and 11 year old came to the grocery store with me and I handed them a list and they did half the grocery shopping. Then all 3 of my kids put everything away when we got home.
Spirograph says
+a million to the kids needing to help. I’m focusing on this over the summer. so far my 11 year old “likes starting laundry,” the 9 year old likes folding (and does it well enough that I can delegate kid clothes to her). The 7 year old can do a passable job cleaning a bathroom, but there’s a non-zero chance he will throw an absolute tantrum about being treated like a servant, first.
We’re practicing taking 10 min every day to quickly clean up their room, but it goes sideways at least half the time, still.
They all like to help with grocery shopping – we do the same thing you mentioned and I send them off on a scavenger hunt for a subset of the list. I should have done this all ages ago, but better late than never!
Cerulean says
I love that your kids did the grocery shopping! I only have a toddler, but making sure the kids step up is huge (and this reminds me that I need to start making my toddler clean up her own toys).
My mom was big on handing off tasks, so we started packing our lunches in first grade, doing our own laundry in third, and I think by late elementary we were helping menu plan and cooked (with help) one dinner per week. Kids are capable of far more than we realize.
Anon says
Yes and no. I have one kid who would be capable of all of this as a rising first grader but twin is not and following directions at school takes everything out of kid #2. Per the advice of psychologists, we are trying to pick and choose our battles. This doesn’t mean kiddo has no responsibilities at home, but it means maybe some things other family has kids start doing at a younger age we have to wait a few more years. Kiddo has a combo of finer/gross motor skill issues and adhd
Cerulean says
Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean the above as any sort of prescriptive of what should be done at a given age. I just think it’s important to nudge kids along to independence at a level that’s appropriate to their own abilities, and that that age is often earlier than we might think.
Anonymous says
We started having the kids help cook to try to curb the worst of their picky eating. If they participate in making the meal, even if it’s just helping stir something, they’re far more likely to at least try it. They take turns being the “dinner helper” which includes sous chef and setting the table. Youngest was in K when we implemented this. My daughter is still incredibly picky, but she eats what she cooks!
Anon says
1 and 3 so in the thick of it with a lot of the load just being physically present to keep the little people alive. This does make me super hopeful for the future though- we’ve been been working really hard for the past 2 years to include the eldest in chores and we’re starting to see some pay off in that some of their help is actually helpful!
Anon says
PSA for you or the pregnant women in your life, there’s a listeria recall affecting limited ice cream brands. NPR/other reputable sources have the details.
Anonymous says
For MD folks, Dolcezza was one of the brands affected. Along with Jeni’s ice cream sandwiches :(
Anon says
OP here and I emailed the company about the Jenni’s sandwiches (since I ate one some time ago) and they said there isn’t evidence they were affected, that it was an abundance of caution. I hope it’s true.
Anonymous says
We have been trying to conceive since November last year and have had two miscarriages at 5 weeks and 7 weeks this year. We have a trip with a group to a beach resort out the country at the end of August. If we have no luck this month I was debating stopping trying July/August as while if this month was successful I feel ok traveling at 12 weeks, I really worry about traveling abroad at similar times to when I had the previous miscarriages. Husband thinks due to our age (38) we keep trying? After the holiday is the timeline to look at medical interventions with our Doctor. The group consists of a couple who I’m very close with but various other couples they are friends with we haven’t met. Being away with strangers on a beach in a different country is making me anxious if it goes wrong again. Husband would be led by my choice in the end.
Anon says
What is the abortion law in the place you’ll be going? That would be a big factor for me.
Anon says
Cut off too quickly, but I’m also very sorry for your losses. I’ve been there too and wish I could say something that would help.
Anon says
I’m sorry for your losses. I would probably take off July/August, as you could feel terrible on your trip with a healthy pregnancy (morning sickness hits me like a ton of bricks right at 6 weeks). And your mental comfort is important to consider, too. Two months isn’t a huge break, even given your ages. You could begin TTC again on your trip!
Anon says
Is your worry about getting medical treatment or just being around these folks when you’re going through it emotionally?
That’s a tough call. If I were you I’d keep trying. How long is the trip? Seems to me the odds of miscarrying on the trip are sufficiently low that it’s not worth missing a month of trying.
Anon says
Due to your age and previous losses, I’m not sure why you would wait for medical interventions. I’m not a doctor, but as a lay person, I’d interpret this as a problem staying pregnant, not a problem getting pregnant. I would not want to be traveling at any stage of a pregnancy with staying pregnant being the issue. Again, I’m not a doctor, but that’s how I would look at it.
Anon says
That age, with losses that early, chromosomal abnormality is my far the most likely cause of loss. (I went through a series of losses in the 5-8 week range around age 39-42.)
Anon says
It’s highly likely that the miscarriages were a result of a chromosomal abnormality and that the pregnancy was just not viable. There is no reason to assume that she will have problems staying pregnant with a healthy fetus
Anon says
I’m sorry for your losses. Personally I would pause trying for July/August especially if there are any concerns about accessing abortion in the foreign country.
Anon says
Are you sure you don’t want to talk about medical interventions now? There are some things you could do (medications, tests) before a holiday. Many/most doctors are shifting to treating after two unexplained miscarriages, not three.
Anon says
+1 Especially if you pause for a couple months, I would ask for a hormone panel to be done. The blood draws have to occur at a certain day of the cycle, so you’ll also need to track ovulation (for example, progesterone only rises after ovulation, so if you test according to a presumed 28-day cycle rather than your actual cycle, you could be testing too early or late and rendering the results useless). Your regular OB should easily be able to order those tests if you ask.
Anonymous says
If the trip is the end of August, I would take off July and then start trying a week or two before your trip (if that makes sense for your cycle).
Anonymous says
Op- thank you for this, I hadn’t actually thought of that as an option somehow and I think I’d be more comfortable with that.
Anonymous says
OP-thanks for the replies so far. We are not in the US so standard is 3 miscarriages before interventions here. We’d be able to access healthcare but it would involve traveling an hour or so to hospitals in a nearby city and I guess it’s more worry about going through it away from home. We haven’t told anyone about the past year so being away in a group on a holiday based around being on the beach vs what I’ve done previously which is hunker down at home afterwards. The trip is for 10 nights.
Anonymous says
I definitely wouldn’t want the possibility of going through a miscarriage in the middle of a beach vacation with people i didn’t know well. That would feel pretty terrible emotionally, even if you were OK physically.
Anon says
I would also not want to be away from home for any of that. I’d either cancel the trip and continue TTC or pause TTC and go all out for the beach vacation.
anon says
Two thoughts/scenarios.
You could pause TTC to enjoy the trip – pregnancy loss is so, so, so hard, so if you believe it would be relaxing or beneficial to your physical/mental health, that is valuable.
What do we know about this crowd? Are they similar age to you/DH? Can your friend vet the likelihood of questions about family planning? If you are in a very sensitive place, it may be less enjoyable for you to partake; or if you’re open to discussing, you might find solace. Could you reroute 1/2 the trip just you and DH, and link up with them for second half?
I’d think about what you really need and how you would spend 10 days off and go from there.
Anonymous says
Keep trying and you should already be making an appointment with a fertility clinic they book months out. You don’t have time to waste.
anon says
My 2yo (28mo) is throwing much bigger temper tantrums than he used to. I know that’s like, the definition of 2yo, but it seems really intense. In the last couple days, he’s had multiple episodes of 20-25 minutes without a break from the screaming, while alternately laying on the floor kicking or out-of-control running…literally bouncing off the walls. When he finally runs out of energy/oxygen, he’s suddenly okay and wants cuddles while the gasping sobs settle down. The whole process seems extreme and lasts longer than I expect. Can anyone anecdotally compare where this might fall on the bell curve?
Anon says
Normal. Maybe on the downhill side of the curve, heading toward the “extreme” end, but still closer to the middle than the tail. His being able to settle and look for comfort at the end is a good sign.
(As an extreme example, my 6yo will have throwing and destructive meltdowns for up to 1.5 hours! He has ADHD. It would not cross my mind to worry about 25 minutes of screaming for a 2, 3 or 4yo.)
Anon says
Sounds like the more tantrum-y end of the bell curve but well within normal limits.
Anon says
I think this is fairly normal. My kid was the same way, and I always viewed these as an energy release really. They weren’t frequent (if they were, I’d have been more concerned). We had maybe one of these every couple of weeks. We would take her to a safe place for a timeout. The safe spot was in her bedroom because there aren’t toys/distractions in there. We would sit with her in there while she got it all out. Our tantrums were more of the laying on the floor/bed while kicking and screaming. So, we could easily keep her physically safe if she was doing this on the bed. My kid has big physical activity needs. She never stops moving. So, her tantrums took this form. They also lasted until she was almost 5. They decreased in frequency a lot by then, though.
Anon says
totally normal. though unfortunately in my experience things really peak at 3. so might get worse before it gets better (sorry if that’s the case!)
Anonymous says
honestly, might be totally normal and might be a standard deviation. I have 3 kids, 2 neurotypical. One of mine had Very Concerning Tantrums (not like you describe, but their own, 1+ hour version of awful). Another is neurotypical but during periods of stress or big emotional growth had absolute ragers of tantrums, mostly like you describe above. She is my youngest and I really didn’t GAF at that point, so I just embraced them. She’s 7 now and still every once in a while she just has a complete emotional meltdown.
Anonymous says
This is within the right in the middle to the bell curve for my three kids. Two have tantrums that last/lasted less time, one has tantrums that last longer than 25 minutes, though they are infrequent. Hang in there! It will get better eventually.
Anon says
Normal… when my kids are at their worst in tantrums and SO worked up there’s no hope, they will be literally frothing at the mouth.
Anon says
My 6 year old is really struggling this summer behaviorally. I’m not sure if it’s the disruption to routine (I didn’t think she was a kid who needed strict routines, but maybe I was wrong) or the fact that we’re making her practice reading (nothing crazy, 20 minutes a day), which she seems to have a lot of perfectionist anxiety about. She’s having massive meltdowns nearly daily, sometimes but not always directly related to reading, and has developed a very obnoxious attitude about refusing to do things she previously did with no problem, like pick up toys in the evening. She has lost a lot of privileges and missed out on fun summer stuff because she wouldn’t cooperate with basic requests like “pick up your toys and then we can go to the pool.” I feel like bad that she’s missing out on so much stuff, but I’m not sure what to do; my husband and I both feel like we can’t reward this behavior. Any advice or commiseration?
Anon says
What is your 6 year old doing during the day? Camp? Babysitter? Do you have other kids? I have two 6 year olds at the moment so i have lots of thoughts. Some of this i think is kids trying to assert independence from parents and being told what to do. We are much more successful at getting kids to do something like clean up toys by talking about the plan in advance- eg “tomorrow we are going to play at home in the morning and go to the pool in the afternoon. First we’ll clean up whatever we played with so we don’t have to do it after the pool.” I’m also not sure how much stuff she takes out, but for mine instead of “pick up toys” i find being more specific helps- like pick up the markers, pick up the toys in rainbow order etc. in some ways I’ve had to do more of this as they’ve gotten older bc they are less easy to please.
For the reading, one of my kids is very resistant to being told to read (HW ought to be interesting with her…ha) and the other doesn’t like being coached to sound out words or using techniques to figure out words. This is not meant to be braggy, but both tested above grade level at the end of the school year so I’m not really concerned and they do other reading like, reading items on a menu. They are also both very motivated by summer reading challenges- a toy store near us had a summer reading bingo, their school has a paper where you color something in for every book you read and then turn it in the beginning of the year for a prize
OP says
Just the one kid. She’s in camp 9-12 and home with me or her grandmother in the afternoons, so she has plenty of downtime. We do communicate routines in advance, but it doesn’t seem to help. It’s not just about reading, although that my be the trigger underlying other meltdowns. For example this morning she completely lost it because my husband asked her to try to pee before leaving the house to go to camp…obviously not something that’s burdensome or out of her ordinary routine. But she refused and he told her she had to and it just blew up into this huge thing.
Her scores on standardized tests are also good, so maybe I shouldn’t be making her do summer reading, but we’re in a very high-achieving school district and most of her friends can already read well and I can see her getting really demoralized about the fact that she can’t and thinking she’s stupid (which she is very clearly not) and I’m kind of trying to nip that in the bud. It’s 100% an attitude problem, her actual reading is progressing very well but the first time she gets to a word she can’t sound out she completely loses it and refuses to go on. She’s in summer reading clubs at the local library, but that hasn’t proved very motivating as far as independent reading goes. She loves being read to (which we also do plenty of) but refuses to read herself, I assume out of fear of not being able to do it perfectly. I consider myself an anxious perfectionist, but her avoidance of things she can’t do perfectly seems next level.
Anonymous says
FWIW, listening to read alouds/audiobooks develops reading ability too. I would maybe try letting her have that option instead for a couple of weeks and see if that solves some of the problems you are having. My son really liked the Epic.com e-books and read alouds.
Cb says
My son is really resistant to reading aloud so we’ve started letting him read silently 2/3 of the time. I can hear him read to himself sometimes and he’s doing lots of reading in the wild but it’s really stopped the reading time annoyances. We also do 10 minutes reading after story, audiobook at bedtime and it makes it feel like a treat (staying up a bit later)
Anonymous says
CB, I meant reading aloud to the child, not making her read aloud – my kid would never do that either. Kudos to you for managing it!
Scilady says
Honestly, I would stop forcing her to read and send a message to her pediatrician or previous teacher and ask for suggestions. You don’t want your child to hate reading and I feel like pressuring her would just make it worse. I would continue to make time together and maybe read more with her?
I think once she has a chance to step back and take a breath (the school year just ended!) she might be more inclined to restart and try again.
OP says
Our school year actually ended 1.5 months ago, we go back in a month! I do see your point and it’s the reason I didn’t push harder on reading during the school year, but I guess at this point my concern is less about her actual reading ability, and more that she’s giving up on anything that’s hard. I do think learning to read is (for most people) hard work and takes a lot of practice and she has to learn how to push past making minor mistakes and persevere. For things like swimming lessons we kind of took the easy way out and just waited until she was good and ready, but I’m not sure that’s the right approach with reading. It’s going to start affecting her academically soon (and already kind of is, with her labeling herself stupid based on being in the lowest level reading group in the class, etc.)
Anon says
It sounds like maybe your daughter is going through a phase where she doesn’t like being told what to do. I’ve been there also with my twins a lot lately. I’ve heard from friends with kids a year or two older that it’s common at this age. What has worked for us is trying to approach more collaboratively, and pick and choosing my battles. Like if kiddo doesn’t go potty before camp what’s likely to happen? Kid has an accident on the way to camp? Is camp far away?
SC says
I can definitely offer commiseration. We’ve been through periods like this.
– It sounds like the reading is a particular stress point right now. So take a step back and read to her for 20 minutes everyday, or alternate reading pages, or whatever works where she is right now. At 6, I would say the goal is to keep reading fun, and it sounds really stressful at the moment.
– Make sure she’s getting plenty of sleep. Summer does bring a different routine, and it’s easy to allow later bedtimes. Also, if she’s spending more time outdoors, make sure she has plenty of water. Kids can get cranky without being aware of unmet needs.
– You mention she’s lost privileges. Give her a chance to earn privileges back, so she can feel a sense of accomplishment. That way, you’re rewarding good behavior, and she has a chance to receive positive feedback.
– We’ve had periods where we’ve dialed back expectations (within reason) and also cut down on fun activities and outings. So, maybe we’ll pick our battles and not insist on picking up toys. But we also will prioritize downtime and sleep over trips to the pool and ice cream with friends. It’s not a punishment, they’re not connected in the moment, but we’re just meeting his particular needs at that particular time.
Anonymous says
I don’t have any advice, but my oldest was 6 last year and we had a miserable summer. He melted down over everything: going to camp, going on vacation, having to go to bed early, staying up too late, etc. We’re doing literally the exact same thing this year: camp in the AM then downtime in the afternoon but enforcing reading time and it’s going pretty well. We re both enjoying each other this summer. Maybe she needs more sleep?
Anon says
Is she a rising first grader? Reading didn’t start being fun for either of my sons until the second half of first grade (one February, one June). They both are smart and could do it, but they didn’t read for fun and I didn’t push it, with the blessing of their teachers. I’m really sensitive to making any negative associations with reading, and my oldest sounds like yours – perfectionist, sensitive to being wrong, etc.
The oldest is now 8 and a voracious reader. He reads during breakfast and afternoon snack, for at least 30 min at bedtime, and most afternoons after school on the couch. My younger is still 6 (but a rising 2nd grader) and in the last month has been reading for 15 minutes at bedtime of his own volition).
For most kids, it works itself out, and peers are not a great reason to push too hard.
Anonymous says
Why do you keep doing what isn’t working? Skip the reading. Change up the routine.
Parenting differences says
The last couple threads have brought up examples of dads using screen time and other “crutches” when alone with the kids (take out food, etc), while moms are more likely to be intentional and hands-on. I want this to be a discussion and not an accusation, lol, but basically….do you and your spouse get on the same page about the daily raising of your kids, especially around these hot-button issues?
I guess it was a little surprising to me, because in our family, my husband and I have specific discussions and general “house rules” around our parenting goals and strategies. We are really specific about no screen time during the week and certain hours on weekends, and regardless of which parent is in charge the rules stay. Of course there are exceptions and leeway; my husband will put on sports games, or I’ll allow a random nature documentary on a rainy day when we are all feeling cranky.
Screen time is just one example; other things include church attendance, outdoor time, meals, etc. I promise we aren’t micro-managey, but the kids’ routines and experiences look generally the same regardless of parent. (Sure, dad may take them to the field to play baseball while mom will read books and do puzzles, but the overarching “we spend our time playing” is the same).
I’d be really upset if my husband phoned it in 50% of his parenting time.
Anon says
Honestly, it comes down to compatibility in shared decision-making. Those in strong marriages with good communication are likely to come up with a system that everyone can follow (and that everyone got to contribute to). If you struggle with one person being dominant/aggressive and the other being passive, for example, you’re going to end up with serious mismatches on how the kids spend their time. “OK” from the passive spouse isn’t true buy-in.
Anon says
I’d say mostly.
My husband does give our kid more screen time than I’d like in the mornings, but he’s also the one who’s managing the morning routine. It felt more reasonable when she was little and we were pretty much splitting the evening routine, so he was doing more than his share by taking on the mornings solo. Now that she’s in elementary school I would say I do 80% of the evening parenting (although a lot of it is just driving to activities and then I have leisure time while she’s at the activity) so him doing mornings doesn’t feel like quite as big of a favor to me as it used to, and I wish he’d rely on screens less. But whenever I raise the issue his response is basically “you can wake up and help” and I don’t want to, lol. So there we are. He’s definitely not phoning it for the majority of his parenting time though.
Anon says
Screen time is a big point of contention for us. I’d love your rules, my husband is very in favor of the kids having screen time. He just truly believes the pros (relaxation, enjoyment etc) outweigh the cons (he acknowledges it’s not good for them). He also grew up in a big screen time, TV is always on house and I didn’t- he does truly view family movie night as quality time and gets hurt when I’m not paying attention to the movie. We honestly can’t come to a great compromise on this one. I do zero screens when I’m in charge, he does screens when he is but less than his preference because he knows I’ll get annoyed.
OP says
I will say we made our screen time rules to allow for maximum parent benefit, lol. Our kids get their biggest chunk of TV on Saturday and Sunday mornings…while I sleep in and husband kindly gets up with them. He likes to drink coffee and read, so it works for us (and I probably make out better because sometimes the 3yo doesn’t even watch). And we allow video games at 5-6/7pm on Fri and Sat while my husband and I have a drink together. But having agreed upon timeframes takes away the temptation to use it other times, and both of us get to stretch our parenting muscles in many situations when it’d be easier to switch on a screen.
Anon says
Just thinking on this more- my husband REALLY wants to be a good dad and husband (and he is!) but it’s also so noticeable that our community’s expectations for a good dad are so different than for a good mom. TV + fast food = good dad. He takes our kid out for an errand and gets showered with praise from strangers. He’s not on a Dad blog during his lunch hour and chatting about how to get our kids to eat their vegetables etc. And honestly, I think he’d really benefit from the community! He’s struggling to be a working parent too and isn’t getting the input and ideas that I am.
Anon says
So I am so not a TV or movie person. I could never watch a movie again in my life and be happy (and ditto TV except for sports).
But, growing up we did a family movie night every Friday and I have so many fond memories of it. It really as a family bonding moment.
Spirograph says
This is us, too, but with video games more than TV. Every few years I binge a video game (Fallout and Zelda, mostly) but otherwise I’d rather have a book. My husband loves video games. My kids love video games. We have a room in the basement that the kids call the computer lab and my husband calls his office, but there are 4 workstations there and they all play together, or watch DH play. I enforce no screens before school and screens off by 9:30 on weekends, but evening screen time is…not a hill I’m interested in dying on. we do family movie night a few times a month, and as for the video games, I feel like it’s more like DH is involving the kids in his hobby than using screens as a babysitter. Rationalizing, maybe, but here we are.
Anonymous says
are you married to my hubby’s brother? (i mean i know you are not she is very into screens). But seriously – watching TV is not an activity we are “doing together” – how is it negatively impacting you if i also am on the internet.
Anonymous says
I’m going to get flamed for this but FOR ME, a lot of this came down to me needing to let go of my need to control how he parents. Would I like him to play baseball with my kids? Sure. But sometimes we only have the energy to scroll our phones while our kids watch a movie. We agree on big issues: screen time, church, etc. But the way in which we do daily life may look different. If I were in charge of the menu we’d eat chicken nuggets 3x a week. But food exposure is important to my husband so I serve a variety of foods. Same for clothing: my husband does not care what my kids wear. So I try to keep a reasonable budget and not buy a shirt for every little school activity or whim of my children (or myself). At the core of it, I agree with the poster who said compatibility in shared-decision making. That’s the key. Everything else kind of follows.
Anob says
We’re both totally comfortable solo parenting but it’s usually very doable, but we also recognize it can be a PITA. I think we’d agree that we both have our goals of what we want things to look like but we’re pretty relaxed if things go sideways and meet our goals?
For screen time, my thing is I don’t care how much (within reason) if it’s a) a real tv show or movie (as opposed to clips or YouTube) and b) on a real tv in the family room. So if someone is solo parenting the kids probably are watching tv while we get dinner together. But they’re just as likely to do that when we’re all hands on deck too.
As for food – I don’t see takeout as a crutch. It’s a tool in our tool belt to get through the day in one piece :) we are fortunate to be In a place where finances aren’t tight – previously I would have been afraid of too much takeout for financial reasons but we’re no longer in that boat. When we cook (4-5 nights a week), we eat pretty healthfully. So, beyond that I don’t really care. The other nights might be takeout, fend for yourself, PB&J, going out to eat, frozen pizza. As long as there’s a veg I don’t really care!
I think what helps us that we both kind of want to split the difference between totally healthy and active and what’s practical. Only eating organic, made from scratch meals isn’t realistic (or fun), but only eating takeout isn’t healthy so we split the difference.
Everything in moderation works well for us. If someone wanted to be more extreme, we’d definitely have to find a compromise.
Anon says
We’re sort of like this – we buy organic for most things, but we regularly eat out or get takeout that isn’t organic and we definitely plan to do that more when the baby is here. We like to make a difference where we can but not be so doctrinaire that we’re stuck in the kitchen washing vegetables on a summer Sunday. We’re very on the same page about that – preparing food is utilitarian and not particularly fun for us.
Anon says
I’m adamant about not doing “kid food” or separate meals but I’m also adamant about not being a health nut – we have dessert every night and pizza and soda every Friday and usually takeout 1-2x other times a week.
To me food is equally fuel for our bodies, something yummy to be enjoyed, and a hassle that needs to be dealt with 3x a day and so our food choices definitely reflect that.
SC says
My son’s screentime limits only apply to his personal devices (iPad and Switch). If DS watches a real TV show or movie or sporting event on the living room TV with us, that doesn’t count towards his screentime. That said, none of us are very into TV, so it’s usually only a few hours per week, and DS would often prefer to play in his room if he’s out of personal screentime.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We agree on the big things like not spanking, acknowledging their emotions and generally being parents who they can come talk to. And on accepting the kids for who they are. We’ve even worked with a parent therapist to help understand and parent our older kid better. When it comes to screens and food – there are certainly “ideals” I have from what our culture tells me is best for kids. But we’re human and we get tired, and we put on the TV for the kids to give ourselves a break (or when one parent is solo parenting) and feed them kid foods. Making it harder on ourselves in these areas is not really worth it for us, when I think all of this is fine in moderation.
Anonymous says
So, we aren’t big on “official” strategies and rules in general – I’m not opposed to that at all, it’s just more our personality types and the fact that we have only one child so we don’t need to be super-organized like some larger families that we know. But yes, in our house too, my son’s routine is pretty similar regardless of parent, and we feel the same way about appropriate amounts of screen time, outings, etc. We came up with the routine because it works for us – no one imposed it on anyone else – so I think we both prefer to stick to it.
We do both give ourselves a little grace while solo parenting for an extended period, and I think that’s okay? Like when we’re all home on weeknights, we eat dinner as a family. But two weeks ago my husband was out of town, so I gave my son dinner separately and had a post-bedtime too-spicy-for-my-preschooler solo dinner while watching Bridgerton, because without another adult at home, I needed a little extra decompression time. I still spent quality time with my son in the evening, it was just a little treat after.
Anon says
I guess I’d be upset if I thought my husband was using screens to avoid spending time with our kids, but screen time or takeout food or whatever to make the night easier? I truly don’t care because I do the same thing.
We mostly have < 1 hour if screen time a day and mostly eat healthfully so if we’re busy or kids or cranky or whatever and that makes something easier? So be it.
We’re very, very loosely Christian so if someone wants to take the kids to church great go ahead but the one who cares more has to make it happen.
I figure if most play time is screen free (and hopefully outdoors!), most meals have a veg, and most days the house is mostly clean it’s a win!
SC says
I’d say we’re on the same page that time with just one parent is often more relaxed and/or fun than time when both parents are home. Dinner can be more casual–one parent being home is the night for leftovers or chicken nuggets or frozen pizza, not DH’s gourmet meals. Easier dinner and less cleanup leave more time together, and we’re both fine if that includes screentime if there’s also snuggling. We both agree that bedtime and DS getting enough sleep are really important, and we’re not super flexible about bedtime.
We don’t have that many weekend days where we’re solo parenting. When we do, we have drastically different approaches. I’m an extrovert who enjoys leaving the house, and DH and DS are both introverts. So DH would likely skip activities and birthday parties in favor of staying home, and I’d likely call my parents to help or keep me company.
Anon says
I’m thinking about a developmental eval for my kid, recently 3.5. Kid is in a new class starting early August, so I will use that transition to better assess.
I don’t have any major red flags, but he has had some minor delays (walked at 19 months, currently in speech therapy). No concerns socially right now. He has 2 more school years (3 if we opt for K) at his current preschool, which has been great for him, so I want to make sure we are lining up everything that will help him for his transition to elementary.
Anyone who pursued it (or opted not to) for similar reasons? Outcomes? If pursued, I think we’d go private/pay out-of-pocket because the waitlists for those that take insurance is ~18 months in our city.
Anon says
The first thing that comes to mind is that 3.5 is too young to diagnose a lot of things, so it could be spending a lot of money prematurely, especially without red flags. My son was evaluated when he was 6, and while ND signs were apparent years earlier, 6 was an age when it’s a lot easier to differentiate between ND and immaturity, as well as do a comprehensive learning/IQ evaluation, so I feel we were in a better position to get our money’s worth, so to speak. (He was diagnosed ADHD and borderline gifted, FWIW.)
Anon says
Yeah, I have a very intense kid who checks some ADHD boxes and I asked the ped about ADHD screening at one point and they basically said there’s nothing they can really do before age 6 because before age 6 most of the ADHD behaviors are also present in a reasonable number of neurotypical kids. I don’t think a screening at age 3.5 or even 4 would be very useful.
Anon says
Are you the same poster who posted earlier this week concerned your kid doesn’t engage in pretend play? There is no harm in getting on a waitlist if you’re anticipating an 18 month wait, but gently, an eval for what? I don’t understand what you are concerned about exactly? Just bc a kid walks on the later side and then is in speech doesn’t mean there is some other issue at play
OP says
Yep, that was me. Thank you – this is helpful to read.
Anon says
I’m kind of confused about why you’d pursue a developmental evaluation just based on the speech therapy and late walking, unless there is more going on that you haven’t mentioned? My kid also walked late and has done several years of speech therapy, and no one has ever suggested there’s a global issue or that the two things are even connected. TBH, once she walked at 18 months, I never again really even thought about the fact that she was a late walker, except in the context of reassuring other moms that it will likely be ok if their kid is 16-18 months old and still not walking. It’s a note in a medical chart somewhere, not something that defines her life.
OP says
Nothing else, really. I posted earlier this week that he’s not a big pretend player, prefers more structured or physical play, and his speech therapist, teachers, and ped are all happy with his progress.
The new class will be a big change, and he’s done fine with these changes in the past. I’m just hoping it keeps pushing him forward (and that he doesn’t regress after making so much awesome progress this year). I’m just an anxious gal.
Anonymous says
If I can quell some of your fears: I have twins who are 3. They will be 3.5 in August. I suspect Twin A could possibly my have ADHD. As others have said, I can’t get him a diagnosis for a while. At the very least he struggles the most with impulse control (I have 3 kids: he’s by far the most impulsive). I’m hoping this improves with age: I already see huge improvement from last summer. Twin B has asthma, walked late, went to PT for walking, had a mild speech delay. I’m debating putting him in speech therapy in the fall. There is nothing “wrong” with Twin B. He just does things at a different pace than Twin A. With twins it’s very tempting to compare them all the time. But you have to look at them as individuals. And that’s just what your three year old is: a little individual with his own tastes and preferences, doing stuff on his timeline. You’re his mom, so you know if something is off, but from everything you’ve written here he seems very normal.
Anonymous says
My potty trained 3 year old has started hiding, pulling his pants down and pooping on the floor. Day care mentioned he did it there today. Is this worth calling the pediatrician over? He got a big boy bed: that’s the biggest change in his life lately. I’m flummoxed.
Anon says
This is a behavior issue. Does he receive a consequence when he does it?