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Follow up on ADHD question says
Good morning! I posted yesterday about my 6 yo starting to see a counselor / LSW for behavior issues. Thank you so much for all of the helpful responses. My child for sure meets the definition of “spicy” haha. I have one more question now – are conversations between counselors or therapists and six yr olds typically confidential? Our counselor told us that everything my daughter says to her during their sessions will be confidential with the only exceptions being information that is is a danger to herself or others. If my daughter tells her she can share with us she will, but otherwise, we won’t be hearing about what’s going on in their sessions or what my daughter says. This seems odd to me and is making me uncomfortable just because she is so little and I don’t really know this person. Is this normal?
Cb says
Maybe reframe it as an ethical policy that that protects all children, not just yours. Children who don’t have amazing, loving parents like yourself have a safe space and won’t be punished for what they say in therapy?
Isabella says
As a former kid who started therapy during my parents divorce, I second this 100%. It is normal. You can ask for general updates about whether they feel they are connecting, whether kid is opening up…
Also, you should expect the counselor may be evaluating you and the dynamics between you and LO. A good counselor should be able to understand what’s going on when a kid says “Mom is so mean” (ie, mom said no ice cream today) but happily runs to hug you at pickup.
Lily says
I’d make clear to your kid that they can (but don’t have to) tell you anything the therapist says and anything the therapist does that makes them uncomfortable or that they have questions about. They don’t need to keep any secrets etc.
So Anon says
Yes, this is normal from my experience. I also have a kiddo in therapy, and this is the practice that I have seen. The confidentiality helps to create a safe space for your child to discuss what is going on – even when and if it involves you.
Mrs. Jones says
Ditto for son’s play therapist.
Anon says
did anyone read the article in the Atlantic about redshirting the boys? i know this is a hot topic and where i live red shirting is rampant starting with May birthdays. I was talking to a friend whose son has a bday on May 20th and she informed me she is holding him back a year, and I asked if that was what his teachers suggested. She said no, but that he was technically due in June (like June 3rd), and she is giving him the gift of time. The way the article was written really rubbed me the wrong way and basically suggests that boys should all start school a year later than girls.
Cb says
Yeah, I read it as well, and thought maybe the solution isn’t individual well-off families redshirting their boys, but instead systemic change with introducing high-quality play-based kindergarten? Our first year of school is between 4.5-5.5 and it’s basically playtime with some phonics and numbers mixed in, and while Scotland’s PISA scores are always a political football, it seems to be working for most kids.
Anon says
Yes, this.
anon says
Honestly, this is strongly encouraged in our local private schools, which are all great, play-based programs. So not sure that’s the answer, or at least teachers and schools in my community don’t see it as the answer.
Boston Legal Eagle says
There are a lot of generalizations in this article. And the gender pay gap is not due to “immature boys” around “mature girls” in school – a lot of this has to do with caregiving responsibilities, and how girls are pushed into this while it’s not as encouraged for boys. Maybe start there? Have more socio-emotional learning for everyone? And the lack of recess and emphasis on sitting still all day can’t be good for anyone IMO.
Anon says
And also with how girls are punished more harshly than boys for speaking out of turn, being “bossy,” and so much more…I understand and accept differences in brain development between the sexes, but how much of that is due to aggressive socialization forcing girls to be demure, mature, and feminine?
Anonymous says
+ 100
Anonymous says
This is a hot topic in my town. We send my middle, a girl who turns 5 late July, and our district’s cutoff is 9/1. If she were my oldest, I might have held her. But she went, and mercifully, she was put in a class with other summer bday kids, a teacher who is a 25 year teaching veteran (in a good way), and hand one and a half full time aids. She started K in 2021 and our school district used LOTS of the pandemic dollars it received to bolster Socio-emotional learning.
She’s in 1st now and I think about what she’d be like if she started K this year instead. I think we made the right call for her, but she’s definately less mature than some of her classmates. Holding her one more year of PK would have been very frustrating for her. As a second kid she was very excited for K and “academically” she was more than ready. She has some work to do on social skills but I think part of that is just her personality.
Anon says
I would not redshirt a kid of any gender except on the very strong recommendation of a teacher. But it’s not a new thing – I’m an early May birthday and was one of the very youngest kids in my classes growing up. On the rare occasion there was a kid younger than me it was always a girl with a late May or early June birthday. Boys born May and later and girls with July and August birthdays were always red-shirted, it seems. Apparently my pre-K teachers suggested I be redshirted and told my parents they’d never had anyone regret red-shirting but it was common to regret starting too soon. My parents ignored them and my mom often says she wishes she’d gone back to them and told them they would have regretted holding me back (I was socially and emotionally fine, and academically advanced — to the extent I had social issues they were caused by the academic gap with my classmates, and redshirting would have exacerbated that.)
Anonymous says
I think it’s all a mess. That said, I have a 4 year old boy with a mid-august birthday in an area with a 9/1 cut off, and unless some very unexpected dynamic emerges this year in preK we are intending to send him to kindergarten next year. My biggest worry? That all the other boys will be a year or more older. In my second grader’s class there are definitely kids who were already 8 starting 2nd. The school we are planning to use does have way more recess than most schools (using that school because a family member teaches there) but I’m pretty sure we’d be sending him to kindergarten even at public school. I spent years and years being bored out of my mind at school with real mental health effects and I don’t want to make that more likely by keeping him back.
Anon says
Thanks for posting this. I have agonized over this choice with my two boys who have late summer birthdays and are within three weeks of their respective grade cutoffs. I also live in the South, where this is just far more common. Academically both boys do extremely well and I would say are placed in the right grade. I am beyond frustrated when it comes to sports – we are not a very athletic family to begin with, but my boys basically never wanted to try anything because boys on the teams were in some cases, close to two years older than them and enormous. My boys will likely end up at a local prep school which seems to also encourage redshirting/repeating at the entry grade (7th or 9th) so it’s still a possibility for us. I sincerely hate this system and wish all schools just followed the calendar year system or didn’t allow the choice.
Anon says
i agree. i don’t think there should be so much choice, and there should be some calendar or age based system for sports bc i agree its absurd that kids who are so far apart in age are supposed to play on the same teams
anon says
My son’s birthday is in June and we will redshirt him. It’s highly encouraged by local private elementary schools, so most summer birthday kids do it, including girls. In our community typically you complete kindergarten at an early learning school, and then do kindergarten again when you move to your private elementary or private k-12. Given the evidence, it’s a no-brainer for us.
Anon says
What evidence? Not a snarky question I’m generally curious as I was thinking to send my late summer birthday (within two weeks of the cutoff).
anon says
The Atlantic article summarizes it pretty well – basically redshirting is associated with better behavior, academic performance, etc. and the assumption is that it’s because you’re older in the year rather than younger (and so at a more advanced developmental stage). That assumption is based on other studies that show a positive effect to being older in the year.
Why says
Does this seem like a borderline inappropriate advantage? Genuinely curious where the line is for giving your child every leg up in the world. Someone’s child has to be average or below average. Waiting a year doesn’t make your child more exceptional- it just means they’re compared to less developed children
Anonymous says
Where are you located? This is super different from our area including our major city has very few private schools.
Ugh says
I haven’t, but this topic hits close to home right now. My son’s birthday is a week before the cutoff. I am feeling a lot of judgment about “oh you’re redshirting him, ugh” … but I also don’t think he’s going to be ready. If I do send him, he will be going with kids who are over a year older than he is (due to redshirting). So it’s tough.
I haven’t made a final decision yet, but not everyone who holds their kiddo back is doing so to try to gain some sort of perceived (and probably non-existent) advantage. I wish there was a buffer zone of a couple of months where the parents could decide whether the kids should go, and then hard and fast rules on either side of that range.
EDAnon says
My son is a week before the cutoff. We held him. No regrets. In our case, our other kid has a birthday not long after the cutoff so they will be in similar circumstances.
Clementine says
I think when the cutoff is also matters. My district cutoff is in December… that’s a huge difference to redshirt a November kid than to redshirt a June kid.
It was actually like this in the 80’s. September/October/November/December Boys go at 5, girls go at 4. Husband and I have birthdays in the same week – he went to K at 5, I went at 4.
Anonymous says
This was my experience, too, including husband’s birthday in the same week but he started school a year later (we both have late summer birthdays). Of course our kid was born on the cut off date. We have a couple years yet to figure it out for our kid.
Anon says
School cutoff in my area growing up was 8/31 and there was still rampant red-shirting of June-August birthdays and even some April/May boys. I do agree with you that redshirting makes more sense when the cutoff is late fall or winter. I don’t think I would have been socially and emotionally ready to start K at 4.
Anon says
It’s so funny because our district has an August cutoff and I thought we had avoided the issue or grade-skipping or red-shirting by timing our kid for February (tongue in cheek…we did try to time her for that month, but for unrelated reasons). But one of my teacher friends told me February/March birthdays are usually among the youngest kids in the class because so many late spring and summer kids are red-shirted. I’m not worried, I’m sure my kid will do fine even if she’s in the youngest 10% of the class, but it is definitely out of control. She’ll be almost 5.5 when she starts K!
Anon says
that is ABSURD. where i live April are also on the young side, but February!!! see this is why i think you should have to have a legitimate reason for redshirting your kid. not just because you feel like it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Someone will always be the youngest, right? So even if you redshirt all these boys, the August ones will be the youngest, and then what, you redshirt them further for the advantage so you start K as a 7 year old?! How can you possibly even this out unless every child is in the same class as the same birthday kids?
Anon says
My son is only 2.5 but I’m currently stressing over whether or not to red-shirt him for TK/K at our local public school. He’s a late April birthday and is physically a smaller kid, but he’s also super smart. I just don’t want him to be with a bunch of boys who were redshirted so he’s an outlier amongst his peers? My husband thinks we should send him when he’s supposed to go but I worry about the socioemotional piece and the athletics piece.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Honestly, I don’t see much difference between my late April son and his fall birthday friends – they’re all wild and active and make burp and fart jokes ;) Maybe they’ll do better academically, who knows, but I’m not worried about him not fitting in.
Anon says
In my area the earliest month that gets redshirted is June. April wouldn’t be allowed at our school and sounds kind of crazy to be honest. An April birthday starts K at age 5.
My April kid is on the younger end of her class but she’s not the only younger kid. One of mine was on the older end and had issues in kindergarten because he was more mature than a lot of the younger kids in his class who all played together. It evened out as they got older though.
AwayEmily says
This is fascinating. The cutoff in our state is December 1. I don’t know anyone who has redshirted a kid, and birthdays seem very evenly distributed in my now-1st-grader’s class. What do people do with their kids for that extra year? My kids’ current daycare (run by my university) won’t take kids once they are eligible for kindergarten, and neither does their old daycare (the JCC).
Anon says
I posted above about my two boys but in our area (city in the Southeast), it is incredibly common for daycares to have a “Pre-K 5” or “Fall Fives” class option, basically for kids who are redshirted.
Anonymous says
How do so many families afford that extra year ??
Anon says
the article touches on how the redshirting is more common among the upper echelons of society, but it’s probably the boys of other socioeconomic levels who could benefit more
Anon says
I mean I feel like this isn’t a huge hardship to most people? Each additional kid costs way more than one extra year of preschool (I think latest estimates are that each child costs $500k+ to raise even if you don’t include college tuition?) but most families still have 2 children, many have 3 or 4. I think redshirting is bad for lots of reasons but the financial part doesn’t baffle me. TBH after the struggles the public schools have had the last few years I’d happily pay $20k to send our kid to private K at her awesome daycare if they offered it…and we’re not nearly as rich as most people here.
Anonymous says
For the 2:12 poster, in our circles having an extra $15k to spend on an extra year of daycare would be the exception, not the rule.
Anon says
Again, in our circles (city in the Southeast) – these are kids who will likely attend private school at some point throughout their K-12 career, so the extra year isn’t a huge deal. Our city’s public schools are not great and we basically only have a handful of elementary schools that are hard or impossible to get into if you’re not in the geographic zone. Even if you do opt for public elementary school, many kids with even moderate wealth end up in a private school by 6th grade.
Anon says
People are always saying here that costs don’t go down nearly as much as you think when you start K-12 school because of the need for aftercare, summer camp and school break camps. Our experience was actually that they did, but that was because we didn’t use aftercare, our schools have a short summer break and day camps in our area are a lot cheaper (and worse quality) than the expensive and high quality daycare we used from ages 1-5. But from reading here and talking to IRL friends both locally and in other places, it seems like our experience is not the norm and for most people the cost savings are not that huge when a child starts K. Certainly not a $15k difference between preschool and kindergarten for most people we know.
NYCer says
At least in NYC, the answer is private preschool. Public schools in NYC basically do not allow redshirting (and have a Dec 31 cutoff), so it is a nonissue if your kid goes to public school.
But redshirting kids with summer bdays is very, very common at private schools (with 8/31 or 9/1 cutoff), and realistically, most of those kids were probably already at private preschools.
[My kids have February bdays, so we never had to consider the redshirting question and I really have no opinion on it.]
Anon says
Our university daycare is happy to take red-shirted 5 year olds. There’s a boy in my daughter’s mixed age (3-5) class who turned 5 in May. If the cutoff is December, I’m actually kind of surprised daycares wouldn’t take fall birthday kids who are 4 at the start of their pre-K year. Maybe it’s because I’ve always lived somewhere with Aug/Sept cutoffs, but it’s completely normal to me for non-redshirted kids to turn 5 in the fall of their Pre-K year.
Anon says
I grew up in a district with a Dec. 1 cut-off and a similar culture of no redshirting. I was a late summer birthday, and started K a few weeks before age 5. It didn’t really matter until closer to college, weirdly, when I realized that everyone in my college class was an entire year older than me because I would have missed their district’s Sept. 1 cut-off.
Anon says
For the extra year, you usually enroll your kid in daycare’s kindergarten program and then repeat kindergarten in public school. My kid has a late August birthday with a Sept 1 cutoff so maybe we will do it, not quite sure yet. It would be logistically easier to have an extra year of two kids at the same daycare. I guess if there is no k program at your daycare things get a little more tricky.
Anon. says
This is exactly what we’re doing with our 5 yr old who has a summer birthday right now.
Anonymous says
My youngest has a cutoff summer birthday. We kept him in Montessori for P3 last year so that we’d have the option to send him to either K or 1st this year, but on the recommendation of his teachers, we just enrolled him in 1st grade our local public elementary school. He turned 6 less than a week before school started and is doing great so far. I’m sure it helps that he’s tall and generally a pretty chill, agreeable kid.
My husband’s birthday is on the school cut-off, and he was adamant that it was NBD to him as a kid to be one of the youngest (by all accounts he was neither chill nor agreeable, but not because of his age). I was the one that wanted to hedge our bets about the redshirting decision. I do think it’s very kid-dependent.
Anon. says
That’s really interesting – my husband and my son have birthdays about a week apart. My husband is adamant that redshirting was right for him and that definitely influenced our decision. I’ll also add that my son is not a “generally chill, agreeable” dude. He’s awesome, but he’s also highly sensitive and has very big feelings that he’s still learning to manage. Given how the first few weeks have gone, I’m feeling good about our decision. That said, we’ll also have the opportunity to enroll directly in first grade next year if it really seems right.
Anon says
In my area at least redshirting is normally done on the advice of daycare teachers, so it makes sense for the child to stay on at the same daycare and essentially “repeat” the last preschool year. There are several redshirted kids in our current Pre-K class. I’ve never heard of a daycare refusing to allow a kid stay on when the birthday was borderline (within, say, 3-4 months of the cutoff) and there was a teacher recommendation on file that the child repeat Pre-K. Newly enrolling a kid who’d already turned 5 in daycare might be more challenging, but that’s not normally a situation you’d be in unless you moved cities right at that particular time.
Anon says
I have a girl with a Labor Day birthday who started K at 4 yo. She’s the youngest in her grade. About 2/3 of her Kindergarten class was 6 before Xmas her first year, and the next in age to her was a girl 2 months older (early July).
To be honest, Kindergarten was an awful experience. She wasn’t ready socially. She really struggled with behavior and was sent to the principal’s office almost daily for months. The teacher was also overly strict and would punish her for things that were absurd. (For example, the first week of school she couldnt remember her teacher’s name so she called her “Ms. Teacher” when she needed to go to the bathroom. That got a note home for rudeness.) On top of that, the seat time expectations were over the top. Hours and hours a day were expected on worksheets at her desk. It was just an awful year. My 5 yo finished as a stressed out basket case who was convinced she was a “bad kid” and who hated school.
It’s taken us years to recover. She’s now in upper elementary and things are better. She has good friends. She can follow the rules. She likes school. She’s academically advanced so in that sense it’s good we didn’t redshirt–she’d be horribly bored a grade down. But it is really hard in sports where she’s always always the youngest and smallest. There are kids in who are well over 5′ tall on her soccer team and she’s still trying to hit 48″ to ride the big kid rides. And I’m already seeing rumblings of puberty in other girls and I think she’s likely to be late and last. Socially she’s still playing pretend when other girls are becoming teens. It’s not going to be smooth.
Do I wish I held her? Not academically, but socially. Which one is more important?
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
HELP! My 4.5 year old is giving me the business. It has been going on, ebbing and flowing, for a few months now.
With me, he’s whiny, clingy, acts out, etc. There are times where everything feels like a battle – this morning his the button on his collar was “too tight” and caused tears when I did it, but fine when DH fixed it. The container of banana bread was “too heavy” etc. Everything causes whining and then some meltdown; sometimes distractions work but I feel like it’s not addressing the behavior. Food always helps, but I don’t think it’s just hunger.
It’s exhausting to navigate and also takes away from me interacting with DS #2, practicing words, etc. I offer DS #1 space (e.g. “Go upstairs and play with X “) but he always wants to be like right next to me and/or his brother. This morning I told DS #1, “ENOUGH! NO MORE OF THIS BEHAVIOR!” and explained that it’s okay to be frustrated, but it’s not okay to always behave like this, that it’s not fair to DS #2, etc. That seemed to snap him out of it, but I welcome advice.
Also, I’m not a “gentle parent” so I’m fine to take a harder approach, I’m just not sure what would work and I’d prefer not to yell because a) DS #1 will cry and b) it wears me out.
Anon says
i mean i have two 4.25 year olds and they whine too and behave the same way. my approach might be too ‘gentle’ for you, but i really found the book How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen to be helpful. and a lot of the strategies like a lot of forecasting for your kid what is going to happen, empathizing, trying to turn it into something silly, etc. mine also want to be near me all the time, which is exhausting, so sometimes i tell them they can sit next to me instead of on top of me, etc. a lot of it is also a mindset shift for me and there are times when i’m tired which leads me to be impatient. obviously it is very very very unpleasant to listen to incessant whining (trust me, i have it in my house constantly x 2), but if your kid whines that the container of banana bread is “too heavy” while yes, that does also make me want to roll my eyes, some of it is just changing my own mindset. if my kid was whining that the banana bread was too heavy, i would probably either ask if they needed help carrying it, and if they do, maybe they could try to ask me in a different way, or, i might get silly and say something like, ‘well monkeys loove banana bread, maybe we should see if we can borrow some from the zoo to help us carry it.’ recently my twins seem to be gaining more understanding of the concept of death and that my mother is deceased and as a result have been verry clingy, so i’m trying to lean into that a bit
OP says
Sigh. Thank you for responding, and I like your framing. The whining I can deal with to some extent, it’s the melting down when asked to do something/not getting exactly what you want. As much as the clinginess can be a lot I just lean into it and realize it’s a phase, and enjoy the snuggles.
I think I struggle with forecasting reactions bc I don’t want to get to the point where I’m walking on eggshells/tiptoeing around my own kid (which I tend to do with adults), which I get is my own issue….
Anonymous says
I think How to Talk so kids will listen is perfect. Because at its core it’s about reframing from bad behavior bad child all bad to a deeper understanding that this behavior is perfectly normally development wise, but also you can guide and parent through it.
OP says
I just put a hold request at my library!
Mrs. Jones says
This book is one of the few I recommend to new(er) parents.
OP says
Also, sorry about your Mum. I lost a parent in 2020, and it is so hard on so many levels. <3
Anonymous says
That is just being 4.5, sorry. In my experience consequences for this type of behavior are not effective, because it’s what comes out when the kid is otherwise dysregulated and in that state they can’t really manage themselves (and I don’t think that would be a reasonable developmental expectation at this age- at 6, maybe). I really like the suggestions by the above poster. There is a lot you can do with phrasing things, asking to try again, etc . Signed, I chased my 4.5 year old all over the house today to wrestle clothes on her and she insisted I carry her while also trying to get the big kid out the door.
Anon says
I think this is pretty typical 4.5 year old behavior and I’m not sure there’s much you can do except wait it out. The big feelings I can usually empathize with and whining I mostly ignore. Where I really struggle is the open defiance and doing things deliberately just to p1ss us off, which has increased a lot as we approach 5. E.g., yesterday my kid didn’t want to wipe her face after leaving the table so I held her down and did it for her. Then she ran back to the table and ate more food (“Hahahaha now my face isn’t clean anymore!”) so I wiped it again. Then she ran back to the table and ate more food but this time it was just a fruit snack and when she defiantly said to me “Look at what I ate! My face is soooo dirty” I said “It’s ok, fruit snack doesn’t get your face dirty” ….and then she dramatically spat the fruit snack on the floor (“because the whole point was making my face dirty and if it doesn’t make my face dirty then I don’t need it anymore!!!”) She had a timeout for that but timeout doesn’t seem very effective with her so I am at a loss as to what to do.
Anon says
Oh boy, I feel this comment. Happens with my boys, too. This stage of parenting is so physical – I want my kids just to obey my words, but usually I have to enforce with my body! In your example, that would be clearing the plate or blocking her access back to the table. With one kid it might be doable, but I have three and it’s impossible to be physically present (or have the energy) to do this all the time with all of them. There’s also the jokey approach (like, “you wish you could be sooo messy but then I’d have to put you outside with the animals! Where do you think you’d sleep, in a tree with an owl?”)…but again, half the time I’m too sour to muster up the joke.
Anon says
I tried and failed to get the plate! She’s too fast. Well the second time I got the plate, hence her going for the fruit snack…but yes it does feel like a full-contact sport some days.
DLC says
to be honest, there are times when I just say (or maybe yell) to my kid, “This conversation is very frustrating to me. I need a minute.” Then I shut myself in my bedroom and lie down until I can regain any sense of empathy. I know I should be better at helping him regulate, and I’m sure I’m contributing to abandonment issues, but sometimes i just can’t with the whining.
Anon says
Tips on hiring a good babysitter? We never had a babysitter due to covid concerns, then we were going to move so didn’t want to invest in finding a good fit. Now we’ve moved and would like to find a few babysitters. We have a 2 year old and a baby on the way.
Questions to ask? What services should I use for background checks? Should we spend a few sessions having them stay over while me or DH is around? Thanks!
Anon says
This doesn’t answer all of your questions, but fwiw when our kids were that age the most successful baby sitter we had was our friend’s nanny who liked to also baby sit on the side for additional money. If you have any friends with nannies it wouldn’t hurt to ask if anyone’s nanny is in a similar boat. Kind of took care of the background/reference checks on its own. For a long time she was the only person we would let besides us drive our kids places because we knew she drove my friends kids and also had car seats set up accordingly. (She was more expensive than a teen sitter though).
YMMV and maybe I’m just lazy but we are now in elementary (i.e. have years of using baby sitter experience) and we have never done the few session hang out with a baby sitter while we are around thing. Of all the stuff life brings that is just one of those things that pushes into “too much” for me. Our kids have always been fine.
Allie says
I think you can pretty much tell by talking to a person whether they’ll be a good babysitter. I do check one or two references, I do not do a background check. Nor does anyone else I know TBH. I do google their references though to make sure they’re real people.
FVNC says
Do you live near any colleges or universities? I’ve always had good luck finding sitters at local schools. In my last city, we lived near a small university that used a program called Handshake run by the career services office, where community members could advertise local jobs. I think a number of schools use it (including a large university near the town where I now live, across the country), so that could be a place to start.
When using a sitter that I meet “cold”, I usually do a 15 min phone conversation and then if that goes well, I’ll have them watch my kids for an hour or so as a trial while I go food shopping or something. I typically have them come more frequently than strictly needed when we’re starting out, so that they and the kids can develop a relationship and get into a routine together (like maybe two or three times a month, and then tapering off to once or twice a month). I also pay slightly above avg, hoping they’ll prioritize our requests. And, I don’t do background checks.
anonM says
If you’re hiring someone cold, I’d use that as a good way to set clear expectations/boundaries to begin with. It can sometimes be harder to have some of these discussions with family babysitting for free/as kids get older there are new concerns. Exs – “I won’t expect you to do any deep cleaning, but will ask that you clean up dishes after any meals you serve the kids. I’ll have food for both you and the kids, which will require minimal cooking/assembling — nothing too complicated. We are also strict on bodily autonomy in our house — if someone says stop/no when tickling, you stop. I will expect any time you babysit that it is just you, no friends joining you, and that you’ll be totally sober the whole time from all substances.”
Anonymous says
For kids that age, I think you need someone like a nanny with meaningful infant experience if they’re going to be managing meals, bedtime, etc. But if you’re just trying to go out for a neighborhood drink while the kids are already asleep, then I think a college student or similar is totally fine.
Isabella says
Are there any warm blankies or blanket-alternatives that you love for a newborn bucket carseat? We need things for both cool autumn (around freezing temps) and cold winters (snow).Kiddo will be mostly crawling, maybe starting to walk, but still a little guy.
Anon says
We usually did a hat, thin fleece jacket (like a Northface) and then a blanket over the baby for the walk to the car. If it’s snowing, we pulled the hood open. (Babies can overheat easily in the car so you don’t want to use those covers that look like fleece shower caps). You can also preheat the car a few minutes before taking baby out of it’s still too cold.
Clementine says
Shower cap style car seat cover is nice for when it’s very good… but honestly? Whatever blanket we have around…
Clementine says
Gah! Very COLD!
AwayEmily says
Same. Basically we use whatever is in a 10-foot radius of the door when it’s time to go and we are already late. Maybe it’s a blanket! Maybe it’s my sweatshirt! Maybe it’s a beach towel!
Anonymous says
We did a fleece bunting or layers + whatever blanket we had around. I think it was the Columbia snowtop bunting? It’s whichever one was recommended by the Car Seat Lady at the time. We used it for trips to daycare in the peak Covidtimes when we weren’t allowed in the building – a bunting vs. a blanket made the handoff a lot easier because we could see her face. There were definitely some parents who got their bucket seat into their car only to look down and realize that they’d gotten the wrong baby!
Aunt Jamesina says
Wait, your daycare handed off the wrong kid to parents during Covid?!
Anonymous says
Happened a couple times when it was extremely cold out. Parents were bundled up and masked, so it was hard to see and hear them, and some babies had blankets over their bucket seats. The admin person who was making this mistake thankfully retired.
Anon says
Wow, that’s pretty crazy. I can understanding not recognizing parents’ faces with masks on (I struggle with that myself, tbh) but it’s not hard to verbally confirm “Your child is Jane Doe, right?”
Anon says
I used one of those baby fleece blankets people like to give as gifts. We had a ton of them.
startup lawyer says
7am makes one that has a hole in the middle so you can tuck the baby in after he’s strapped in (so it would go over the buckles for car seat safety). Oh it’s called the Nido
Anonymous says
Pottery Barn Kids chamois baby blanket
anon says
PB Kids Sherpa Baby Blanket. I’m in northern New England and we received this for our baby and it was perfect. She sill uses it at 4 year old. We gift it to EVERY friend that has a child. We had a friend (my bff, so don’t judge her for asking…) recently have a second and asked me if we were getting it for #2 because if not she was going to order it and have it on hand for when they came home. Seriously. Perfect size and weight.
Anon says
A kid who’s walking probably won’t be in the bucket seat anymore? I think mine outgrew it around 8 or 9 months.
Anon says
My husband often takes our dog with him when he drops off our kid at daycare (not inside the building, of course, but the kids are normally outside and can see the dog). Last week she pooped right in front of the kids to the great amusement of a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds. Today the dog didn’t, ahem, perform, and one of the boys led the class in a chant of “We! Want! The! Poop! Give! Us! The! Poop!” 4 year olds man….
Anonymous says
Seriously, what a bummer for the kids. Amazing.
EJF says
Could someone give me a primer on music lessons for kids? I’d like to have my daughter take piano lessons eventually. I don’t know what age would make sense for her to start and what I should be looking for in instruction. I didn’t take anything music related as a kid (something I regret! Adult lessons are on my list once I can find the time…), so I’m coming in blind.
At what age did folks start their kids on piano? Is this something done all year or shorter sessions throughout the year? Are weekly lessons the common frequency? Are lessons typically in a group vs. one on one (and is one preferred when someone is just starting out)?
Anonymous says
Typical set up is one on one private lessons.
Spirograph says
Yes. and weekly. You can start Suzuki method at 4-5. Otherwise, teachers typically recommend waiting until at least 7 / when the kid can read. Your child should be able to sit still and focus-ish for at least 30 minutes. Good teachers will be engaging and do movement stuff, but 30 min is the typical lesson duration for beginners.
anon says
I’d start at age 7 (second grade) with a 30 minute private lesson once a week. Ask around to find a good teacher.
Isabella says
Weekly 1:1 lessons are probably most common for younger kids, but I started as a 6 yo in a group class with lots of circle time, games, and different instruments to try. I think it went all summer? Long enough that my parents rented an instrument. Afterwards we continued weekly lessons with the same teacher, but if you can find a group workshop like that I think it’s a great way to get started.
Mrs. Jones says
Our kid started weekly piano lessons in kindergarten. He’s one-on-one with his teacher at teacher’s house.
Anon says
It really depends on what you want. First place to look is for community music schools run by local colleges/universities. These community music schools might have additional classes for the kids like music theory, ear training, and regular performance opportunities. Your town may have some sort of music school as well (often the dance school May have a music school attached). These types of places run classes in sessions usually (fall, spring, May have a summer session) and may be a bit more structured than a private studio.
If you look for a private teacher/studio, each one will vary in how structured they are (I.e., do they teach a lot of young students? Do they have regular recitals or performance opportunities? Is this a side hustle or do they teach 20+ students?). Even your park district may offer intro music classes (usually group lessons).
Group lessons are usually in addition to private lessons, and generally for younger students and you will rarely find them for piano outside of a large institution (not many places have capacity for multiple keyboards). Some teachers prefer coming to you, some teachers require you to come to their homes.
You can start them as young as you’d like, but if you do I’d find a teacher who teaches a lot of small children, otherwise it will be painful for all of you because teaching small kids is a different skillset. It also helps if the teacher runs a large studio and your child can see other kids their age playing music.
Ultimately it should be fun!
Anon says
To add: I started the violin at 3/4 in group lessons and added private lessons quickly thereafter. I did not pursue it professionally but classical music was a large part of my life growing up, and still is. My toddler has shown interest in the piano and the plan is to start him around age 3/4. This is not the norm by any means, but most of my family are classical musicians so it is the norm in our family if you show any aptitude for music that you start young.
Anon says
When thinking about when to start lessons, remember that lessons come with a need to practice daily (with focus). My kindergartener didn’t have it in her to practice every day after kindergarten–she was too spent. I started one in 1st and my other in 2nd. (And sometimes I think I should have waited another year or two.)
Consider how your kid does after school and if they have the bandwidth to add a daily practice session. Also consider if you have the bandwidth to assist. Most 5-7 yos will need a good amount of help to practice, so also consider if you have the time. Even my 9 yo often wants my support and asks me to sit with her when practicing.
Anonymous says
Yes. I can’t believe I’m saying this, and probably should take my own advice, but… there’s no need to start young. Like lots of things that require manual dexterity and focus, kids who start later (if they have an aptitude and an interest) often make faster progress and will catch up to kids who started young pretty quickly. Anecdata, but my piano teacher (piano performance PhD) apparently didn’t start playing piano until he was 11.
Anonymous says
We started in kindergarten and it was too early, both from a manual dexterity perspective and a willingness to practice perspective. Overall music instruction has been better, and we’ll start piano again maybe summer after second grade.
DLC says
My oldest started piano in second grade. Half hour private lessons every week. She takes lessons year round, except if we or the teacher is out of town, but I know many people in her studio who take the summer off. Also, if you take lessons through a school, they might have a different structure. I pretty much picked a teacher based on recommendation – she is kind and very forgiving, which I thought was important. If my daughter were to display great talent, I might look for a different teacher, but our teacher is fine for the level my kid wants to play at.
I have a piano teacher friend that doesn’t take students until they can read. I would say unless your child is showing early aptitude, that’s a good benchmark, particularly for piano.
I myself started with group Orff classes when I was in second grade, where we are taught rhythm and how to read music. It involved a lot of xylophones. I think it was actually a great way to start into music because there is a certain rigidity that starting with piano itself can bring. Definitely look at curriculum, though – I think a lot of group music classes that are offered are not that useful in terms of laying down basic music reading abilities. They’re kind of just play time with percussion instruments.
Not as New Here says
My grandmother was an elementary school music teacher for years, and played the piano. She was very vocal that I once I started showing interest in playing, I not take formal lessons until I was 8/9 (I want to say I was 9…). I don’t recall her logic about it, but it probably had something to do with focus/attention. She did teach me a little informally before then, for fun.
I took lessons 1/week from 3rd – 11th grade. It was one on one for 30 minutes or an hour.
Anonymous says
My undergraduate degree is in music performance. I planned to have my daughter start piano lessons in second grade, but she begged to start earlier so I enrolled her in a piano class in first grade. The class was at a little “music school” in our community, basically a storefront with a roomful of keyboards for piano classes and smaller rooms for private lessons on a variety of instruments. The class was excellent and covered piano technique, reading music, rhythm, and solfege. In second grade we switched to private lessons with an independent teacher, who turned out to be just okay. So the point is, either a class or private lessons may work in the beginning. It depends on the curriculum and the teacher. After a year or two private lessons are a must, but if you start with a class you may make connections that help you find a better teacher.
Anon says
One of my neighbors and the mother of one of my good friends was a piano teacher, so I started in Kindergarten. I was terrible (I’m basically tone deaf) and quit after a year or two, but I don’t think I was too young for it per se. They were weekly lessons, one on one, and for only about half an hour or so. I would think much more than that would be too intense for a 5-6 year old.
Mm says
Hopefully a fun question – Any favorite music to listen to with your toddlers? We somehow just discovered Laurie Berkner and it made for such a great car ride to daycare this morning.
Anonymous says
If you use an app like Pandora (I know, I’m old-fashioned), try making a Music Together station (Music Together is the kids music classes that has local franchise-type orgs, if you’re not familiar). My kids really like Trout Fishing in America, especially the song The Window
Anon says
The child development specialist we work with recommended Super Simple Songs. It’s a huge change for me – I like listening to my music (the songs with no bad words, at least) with kids, but I will say this is fun, too. My older child has been enjoying it as well, and I think it piques younger kiddo’s interest.
Anon says
My toddler only wants to listen to the Pup Pup Boogie or the Paw Patrol Theme song. We sometimes make up new lyrics based on things we see on the way to spice it up.
Anon says
Lion Guard here. Which at least has more than four songs – before Lion Guard we were just listening to Lion King on repeat constantly. That said, before that it was Daniel Tiger so anything is an improvement.
Anon says
Sandra Boynton! Her Philadelphia Chickens album is amazing and done by a lot of random celebrities – Laura Linney, Meryl Streep. My favorite is Pig Island sung by Scott Bakula for some weird reason.
Anonymous says
Caspar Babypants is lit
Anon says
Yes! I really like them (for toddler music).
DLC says
I really like the podcast Spare the Rock Spoil the Child for finding great artists and bands for both kids and adults. They play a lot of they Might Be Giants, which is fun.
If you have Audible, Laurie Berkner’s Song and Story Kitchen is a lot of fun. Our kids listen it it non-stop – it weaves Berkner’s songs into stories.
I also like Jo Jo and the Pinecones and Elena Moon Park, though they aren’t as high energy as Laurie Berkner. Also second Trout Fishing in America!.
Anon says
Caveat that I’m not super concerned about swearing, but my kid and I mostly listen to Taylor Swift and Broadway soundtracks.
FVNC says
+1. Although we may have to dial down on the Hamilton soundtrack now that my 5 yr old is (unknowingly, thankfully) repeating some of the choicer lyrics.
Anonymous says
My kid is not allowed to sing along with Hercules Mulligan
EP-er says
Additional hits for us not mentioned here are Barenaked Ladies (SnackTime!) and They Might Be Giants (Here come the ABCs/Here Come the 123s/Here comes Science/No!) are all classics in our rotation. And now that the kids are older, they like the grown up BNL & TMBG albums, which I appreciate!
Anonymous says
Elizabeth Mitchell, Dan Zanes, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, Bob Marley
Kdouble-bingo says
Any advice on encouraging my 5.5 year old to keep her hair out of her face? I just got a message from her kindergarten teacher that she got playdough stuck in her hair (sigh). Similar issues have happened at aftercare where she does a lot of art and craft projects. She loves her long hair and has rejected my suggestions of even a trim (I used to cut her bangs at home, not very well, but they’ve since grown out and she’s never had a real haircut). My hairstyling skills only extend to basic braids/ponytail/pigtails, and she used to like those, plus fun barrettes, but for about a year has been rejecting all styling – only brushing, which she is good about. I want to respect her preferences about her hair, but I also want to teach her that part of caring for long hair is getting it out of your face! Is this something I just lay down the law about and require that hair be tied/clipped back for school? (We did require a ponytail or braid for swim lessons this summer which she was ok with). Any suggestions for headbands/hair ties/something else (??) that she might be able to handle on her own? She can kind of do barrettes herself but can’t make a ponytail. Hair is fine, with a little wave. Thanks!
Anon says
I think you lay down the law and require hair to be out of the face for school, yes. We had a similar issue with my 4 year old earlier this year. Daycare teachers asked us to please clip her hair back with bows because it was getting in her eyes and they thought it might impact her development. So we pretty much just told her she had to wear bows or clips to school. She was annoyed for a week or two but got over it. Fwiw my daughter has a chin length bob and gets regular haircuts so I don’t think it’s really a long hair issue? Long hair can definitely be messy in other ways though.
Anon says
Just a vent about how much I hate making photo books….I do it as a gift for my mom and I know it means a lot to her. But man, it is such a pain in the A. And I’m perpetually behind, which means I never really get a proper break from it. My kid turned 4 in February and I’m still finishing up the age 3 album and in a few months I have to start all over again for age 4.
Anonymous says
For the person remodeling a bathroom- try googling kitchen or bathroom designers in your city (they are also usually interior decorators). You can usually see the kind of work they’ve done on their website, and chat with them about their style. For ours we paid a flat fee of I think $2500 and it was SO worth it. She sourced every single thing in our bathroom at the price point we wanted, gave us options for everything (within the basic style I showed her, and not too many so it wasn’t overwhelming), worked with the contractor, fixed things that didn’t work in the space, made sure the measurements were right, etc.