How to Deal with Your In-Laws During Thanksgiving
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Happy almost Thanksgiving, ladies! Here’s a fun topic: What are your thoughts on dealing with your in-laws during Thanksgiving? Do you find that you need to take a deep breath and smile when certain frequently-discussed topics come up? If your husband or partner is the one who has to deal with your parents, what are the biggest issues that come up (and whose side are you on)? In general, what are your Thanksgiving traditions with in-laws, kids, and others? (If your kids are off school on Wednesday or Monday, do you “have” to take a vacation day at work?)
We’ve almost always spent Thanksgiving with my parents, in part because it’s a long weekend so it’s better for travel, and also because we have multiple things to celebrate (my parents’ wedding anniversary is 11/24 and my mom’s birthday is 12/2). This year is the first time we’ll be spending it with my parents-in-law, though, and the kids are really excited! My MIL is already making plans for us to have Thanksgiving at a restaurant, which sounds like a great change to me.
Readers, what are your thoughts on Thanksgiving traditions, tips on how to deal with your in-laws, and other issues around the holiday? Do you have fun plans for the long weekend?
Stock photos via Stencil.
I refuse to travel for holidays with small children. Once they are older my children may get a vote, but by that age they will be able to survive lengthy car rides with screens and books and hopefully it will be less of an issue. Since my in-laws are local, to make it tolerable, I host them. That way the food is just the way I like it, I don’t have to go anywhere and my kid’s favorite toys are all around us. We also get to watch the football games (critical for me, and my husband is pleased with this tradition). To keep them happy, we eat a very formal sit down dinner on the fancy china and turn the TV off for the 20 minutes, but I draw the line at pulling out the crystal (hand wash, unlike the china) with little children still in the picture. I also serve dinner later (my husband grew up with more of a lunch “dinner” between 12-2) so that they can’t stick around all day (also helps that they have a dog they have to go home and let out). I do not tolerate discussions of politics and have threatened to throw out anyone who veers into that territory, and inevitably when his parents start being mean and snarky to my husband (for better or worse, never to me), I call them out on it and tell them if they can’t be nice they’re welcome to leave. In other words, my in-laws are difficult and I rule my home with an iron fist and so far it has been keeping the peace. And I host friendsgiving the week before and have a large (usually 20-25), loud, child-filled, casual, very tasty party that reminds me of all of my childhood thanksgivings. So really, that’s my thanksgiving.
This year, we are staying home and I am cooking. My husband and I are both working tomorrow. I bought a turkey thinking my MIL was coming Thursday. She is not, I should have bought a rotisserie chicken-no one would know the difference! So, I plan to have a hopefully relaxing or at my own pace Thursday-run with friends, movie with husband and children, make dinner (try to not to burn or serve raw).
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I’m an only child and don’t want my parents to be alone on Thanksgiving, so we’ve always hosted my parents. The in-laws have been invited but have never come – except this year we have a new baby and they’re coming to see the baby. I’m nervous about it – my in-laws can be very mean when they don’t get their way and my parents aren’t great at de-escalating situations themselves. We’re each in charge of our own parents and hope to keep them largely separate, but everyone wants to be around the baby so that will complicate things.
The first rule of Thanksgiving hosting my in-laws is to make sure that only my in-laws and not my parents also are there. The combination of two passive aggressive moms (mine and the MIL) was deadly. We had that happen once and that was more than enough for one lifetime, thanks.
The second rule of Thanksgiving hosting my in-laws is to open Champagne very early in the day (8:00 a.m. if the official start time) and to keep the wine flowing at a slow but even pace pretty much all day. It also helps to get my MIL to sip some around noon.
The third rule of Thanksgiving hosting my in-laws is to let The Hubs kick them out of the kitchen – FIL’s superpower is to open the oven just in time to ruin something and MIL’s superpower is to be underfoot in the worst possible place when one of us has a giant pot of steaming potatoes in hand. The Hubs sends them to the basement with The Kid (they do not listen to me).
The fourth rule of Thanksgiving hosting my in-laws is to have lots of other people there to keep them on their good behavior. This year we will be at 15 total people, with one grown up table and one kid table. That keeps them distracted.
The fifth rule of Thanksgiving hosting my in-laws is not to let my MIL “help” with the cooking. (We also apply this rule when we do the annual visit to their house in the summer. She’s a good baker, but not so much on the actual cooking.) Trust me, this is best for everyone involved.
The sixth and final rule of Thanksgiving hosting my in-laws is to be sure that I get out of the house on Black Friday, even if it means that I go in to work. At least it will be quiet in the office on Friday (my office is closed) and then I can enjoy a calmer week next week.
Of course, MIL broke one of her hearing aids last week and the replacement is not in yet, so I expect even more hijinks than usual. Pray for me.
Coming to this late, but I actually like Thanksgiving at my in-laws so much more than with my family of origin (and I get along fine with my family). It’s my husband’s brothers and wives and kids, not his parents, as they passed away before we met, but they are all lovely, welcoming people. SIL hosts a wonderful dinner that is traditional without being stuffy, and my daughter and step-daughter have a blast with their cousins, who are all grownups, and second cousin (close in age to my preschooler). We go about every other year, but not this year.
And then my husband and his brothers got into some stupid fight and they aren’t talking anymore. Despite attempts at reconciliation by his brothers, my husband is being a stubborn a**. So, I’m more than a little sad about that.
Wine. I drink lots of wine.
I have two boys, and I hope that if I am fortunate enough to have daughters-in-law someday, our relationship is peaceful enough that they don’t think of our interactions as “dealing with” my husband and me.
I hate “All Thanksgiving”! In laws have made my holidays a miserable stinking mess where in past years I have cooked and cleaned while my husband rides his bike or sits around with his family while I am treated worse than hired help. I have grown to despise the holidays and having to be subjected to the torture of bad manners and demanding behavior! Most I can do to suppress my frustration and disdain! My husband and I ALWAYS fight when his family comes around but after all these years he cares less now that when we were first married because he always invites them to come whether I object or it or not!??
Husband & I are parents to young children, and we’re having our own Thanksgiving this year. No family from either side, no drama, just us. I’m looking forward to a peaceful day where we are all together and just get to be ourselves.
My side of the family has it’s drama at times, but they are still warm, welcoming, and loving people. Husband’s side of family is another story.
They’ve never been accepting of me since our marriage began. We’re going on 10 years and things really have not improved. It’s been a very long journey for my husband and I, as his family has not made our marriage easier on us. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that they’ll never like me, only tolerate me. And I’ve also come to understand it’s not my fault, like I’ve always thought in the past. They could have a good relationship with me, if they choose to.
To anyone else who’s dealing with in-law problems: just live a full life with zero expectations from anyone else. What they say about you doesn’t matter. If they don’t like you, it’s their own fault and they are the ones missing out on a special bond. You can’t change the ways of people who are stubborn, judgemental, ignorant, or arrogant. People like that expect you to change yourself to make their own lives more comfortable and manageable. But they don’t look within themselves to see what they are doing wrong.
Families across the country have this never-ending in-law issue. And things should not have to be this difficult or hard.
So coming from someone who is sitting at rock-bottom of in-law problems…be kind to one another, and think before you speak :)
Happy Thanksgiving, and much love <3