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To save time in the morning, I wash and blow out my hair before I go to bed. I work in a pump of mousse or hair foam like this one, so in the morning, I just run a damp hair brush through my hair to restore any volume that deflated overnight.
This texturizing hair foam works on almost all hair textures and types. Depending on the look you’re going for, it can be used on either wet or dry hair. It volumizes, holds, and protects your hair from heat, so no need for multiple products.
Living Proof’s Full Texturizing Hair Foam is $32 at Sephora.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
Lydia says
has anyone tried this product and does it have a smell/what is it? I’m tempted but really hate the sweet hairspray-y smell of a lot of mousse and beach spray (right now the best I’ve found is JVN, although the smell varies across products… ) Or would love any other recs for a texturizing or volume product that doesn’t smell terrible…I prefer something herbal or unisex, not really sweet! often I like Aveda smells fwiw).
Anonymous says
I’m pretty sensitive to smells and have been okay with Pantene and L’Oreal mousse. I think maybe because you use so little of it, the scent isn’t very noticeable? Currently using Pantene volume and body and have also liked L’Oreal “boost it” volume inject mousse. For context, I avoid most drugstore shampoo because of the heavy perfumes. (Although FWIW, Suave’s Rosemary and Mint shampoo/conditioner smells okay to me and is dead cheap).
Lydia says
thank you! and yes, I know that Suave shampoo and like it! (I think it’s an Aveda scent knockoff? but it totally works).Kristin Ess’ mousse is the worst I’ve found for smell; I’ll try pantene and/or l’oreal, thanks!
anon 4 this says
DH is in a bad place as of late. We start couples counseling this week, and I’m hoping for the best but getting frustrated by the day.
He works for himself at home, and occasionally at a coworking space. I work FT in an office with some remote work thrown in. We recently went from 1 ->2 kids and I went back to work.
Our kids go to daycare 4x/week and have grandparents available for the other day. However, I just learned that my parents are getting increasingly frustrated that he isn’t working when they come over to watch the kids. He will run errands, do yardwork and even nap. Sometimes he has no work at all, but still utilizes them for childcare at our home. I’m extremely pissed and really just trying to detach while we’re in this tough spot. Trying to think about how to handle this. WWYD?
Anonymous says
Why are you extremely pissed? Is his business failing or something I don’t get it? If the plan is daycare 4 days a week and you’re this mad that he is using the plan y’all agreed to because your parents are judgy, get a 5th day of day care.
Anon says
+1 – isn’t one of the “perks” of WFH and/or being self-employed the ability to do some life and home management during the workday?
Clearly there are other things going on with the marriage/DH (been there, and it is HARD), but DH running household errands/doing house management while WFH on slower days (that I don’t have to then do…) seems reasonable.
Anon says
I can see how it would be embarrassing to have your parents see that and then you feel judged and mad at your partner. For a point of comparison, I am a very conscientious, hardworking person, and I too take naps, run errands and even work in the garden during my workday. I get everything done and more that is asked of me at my job. I feel these tasks help my family more than me putting extra work into a job that offers no rewards for going above and beyond. Napping is truly a form of self-care even though it looks lazy. Can you shift how you are viewing his behavior? My spouse flexes his schedule to take an entire day off every week to focus on his own projects and tasks. I try not to keep score because we both need to be happy, and it’s not my job to micromanage his life. Plus, I take breaks too and fit stuff in, as noted above. Would you be more happy and less resentful if you had a way to take regular breaks or focus on what you care about?
Anon says
I see a few different ways to think about this. On my WFH days if I don’t have a ton to do I will also sometimes take care of things around the house or take a nap. I have paid childcare while doing so. If your parents only want to watch the kids while DH is working, can you just tell him that and tell him to do that other stuff when your parents aren’t around since it sounds like they are only interested in providing childcare when a parent needs to work? Is your frustration with this because your parents are saying something? Bc DH’s business isn’t doing well and you feel like he isn’t contributing enough to the household financially?
Anonymous says
I would be resentful too and would want him to get a regular full-time job, unless you’d previously agreed that he would work part-time and be a SAH parent/homemaker the rest of the time and he was actually doing household work and not napping.
Anon2 says
This leads to a path of micromanaging that destroys relationships. If you are both happy with your jobs, and meeting your financial/family goals, then give each other leeway day-to-day. Sounds like OP may not be happy with her end of the setup, so address that instead of husband’s Friday timesheet — do you need a new job? Want to go part-time? Need a block of “nap time” for yourself on weekends? In a way this is a positive for you, because he is doing all these tasks and getting some extra rest ahead of the weekend, so presumably he can be more present with the family.
Anonymous says
That’s exactly what I’m saying, though–if their agreement was that both would work FT, they need to renegotiate that agreement because he’s not keeping up his end of the bargain. It’s especially problematic because OP is a new mom who’s just returned to FT work. How on earth is it fair for her husband to be doing housework and napping while she is at the office FT, possibly trying to juggle pumping?
Anon2 says
My take is that he is working full time. He owns a business, and that looks different than a 9-5 office job. Working full time doesn’t mean having a butt in a seat for a certain number of hours; it means getting your work done and sometimes the load is lighter than other times. So focus on the outcome (is he keeping his business going, is he making the income they need) rather than exactly how many hours he spends at a desk.
If they have a new baby he’s probably sleep deprived, too. Maybe taking a nap on Friday means OP gets to sleep in on Saturday because he is more caught up (and if not, that should be part of the convo!)
Anon says
there’s literally nothing here to suggest he isn’t working FT
Anonymous says
If he is taking one day a week off to nap and do yard work he is not working FT.
Anon says
It’s also totally reasonable for a business owner to take their foot off the gas pedal and just be in maintenance mode during big life events. That’s one of the perks of the job.
Anon says
I know many people with full time office jobs (me included) who often don’t do more than 32 hours of actual work a week. New baby aside (which I agree is an excuse for temporarily slacking) I think it’s quite normal to not actually work 40 hours and he just has a different schedule than people who are in the office five days a week but spend several hours a day frittering time away on the internet.
Anonymous says
But he is just the non-birthing parent and the mom is working a legit full-time job, commuting, and pumping! If anyone should get to take their foot off the gas at this time it’s the mom, not the dad. He should be spending every hour while she’s at work earning money, doing hands-on child care, or doing real housework or yard work.
Anon says
I fully admit that the napping isn’t a good look (unless he’s doing late night and early morning wake ups with the baby, in which case I think its totally fine). However, I don’t see anything wrong with using the workday when you don’t have other work to do (especially when you’re self employed – provided you’re int he black) to do things like errands and housework! That all benefits the family!!
Anon says
“He should be spending every hour while she’s at work earning money, doing hands-on child care, or doing real housework or yard work.” would be way way too micromanage-y for my marriage. And it sounds like he is doing a lot of housework on those days. I don’t see why it’s a big deal if he takes a nap in between house tasks. No one in an office is focused on work 100% of the time.
Anon says
If he’s not stepping up at home, that is a separate conversation. But if he’s flexing his flexible job to support the family, that’s a valid choice. (Or maybe it’s just a slow week/season at work with others on summer vacation–lots of jobs have seasonality.) I don’t believe in the gender norm that it has to be the woman who steps back from their job to support the family. He should be helping enable her to be able to work out of the home FT if that’s what they’ve chosen as a family.
If he’s not adequately supporting the family that conversation should happen without the grandparents. They 100% need to stay out of it.
Anonymous says
The point is that he’s not flexing his flexible job to support the family! He’s flexing it to nap and play with power tools while neglecting actual chores.
Anon says
I don’t understand at all the idea that they have to work the exact same number of hours. Lots of people are in relationships where one person only works 40 hours and the other person works 60+ hours in a Big Job. In fact, I would argue that’s a much more manageable situation for families than both parents being in Big Jobs. So why is him sometimes working less than 40 hours that big a deal?
If OP isn’t happy with how much or how hard she’s working or with what he’s contributing to the family in terms of finances, childcare or housework, then those are conversations that can be had and maybe they need to make a change. But saying he’s automatically a deadbeat because his business doesn’t always require him to work 40 hours doesn’t make sense to me. And mainly she seems upset because her parents are judgy and that’s a terrible reason to be mad at your spouse.
Anonymous says
You could (a) just tell your parents they are free to bail (b) recognize that DH is entitled to a break or (c) just ask DH if he really needs the coverage right now. If I had free childcare and no work to do I would 100% run errands or nap! But I would also be ok if that care scaled back when my workload was less.
This sounds like a feasible discussion to have with all parties.
Anon says
It sounds like the grandparents aren’t working well as childcare. They aren’t happy and are becoming resentful. It’s time to move to 5x a week daycare and let the grandparents just be grandparents. They don’t get to police your husband.
If your husband isn’t getting his job done, then that’s a different matter, but it has to be between you and him. They need to stay out of it.
Anonymous says
Agreed. Sounds like they don’t actually want to be doing childcare once a week, so set life up so they don’t have to. If there’s some other issue here deal with it separately.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
+2. Use your parents as occasional babysitters and switch to full time daycare. I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with what your husband is doing since owning a business is a different type of FT work, but it sounds like your parents aren’t the right solution for childcare.
Anon says
Yep!
Anonymous says
Focus on addressing your own needs. I am guessing you need a nap and/or more downtime. How can you get that? What do you need him to do? It doesn’t sound like he is goofing off; he is doing things that need to be done for the family. If your parents don’t want to provide childcare for that, that is their prerogative, but it needs to be discussed.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yard work and running errands is still work presumably – doing things to improve your lives and house. Are you upset because your parents are upset or because you feel he should be doing butt in seat work all day during the day? If it’s coming from the parents, I agree to add that 5th day of daycare. Grandparent help is not always entirely “free” if it comes with judgment. If there’s something more like you think he’s not pulling his weight in general, that’ll be good to bring up in couples counseling.
Anon says
+1
anon says
+2. It’s hard to suss out what the real issue is here, and it sounds like it may be multifaceted. But if the grandparents are willing to help, I would utilize their help for other things, like getting a kid to an activity or providing childcare in a pinch. Not in place of regular daycare. The judgment would make me bonkers, though.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ohhhh yes: I read on her once that you can pay in money or control, and I have to repeat that to myself re: grandparents.
OP, why are you pissed? And at whom: DH or your parents? Try to pinpoint why you are mad and then reframe: are you jealous? Are you parroting what your parents are saying? Are you feeling guilty because you are fine with his schedule but parents aren’t and you’re caught in the middle? Hopefully therapy can help with this, but in the meantime, give it some thought.
FWIW, my own husband is self-employed and WFH and we also have gone from 1 to 2 kids and me working from FT in office to 2 days at home, so I feel like I can speak from experience: it’s hard. It is an adjustment. But backseat driving DH’s job/how he spends his day is going to lead to fights, resentment, and bad relations vis a vis you and him, you and your parents, and him and his parents. Ask me how I know… But, also: having someone with more control over their schedule and being at home to mow the lawn during the week or take a nap so he has energy at 6 pm when I’m wiped from an office day is A-mazing.
Also seriously give thought to lightening the load on the grandparents. It sounds like something I went through: grandparents didn’t enjoy being full time childcare after a while with 2 kids, but didn’t tell us explicitly, so DH and I unilaterally decided that Big Kid would go to daycare 5 days a week and Baby would go 3 days a week, with 2 part-time days at their house and dadcare part-time. We re-evaluated in-law care when Big Kid went to school, when Little Kid when to school, and again this summer. Remember that grandparent care doesn’t have to be set in stone and, for my money, works best when it’s underused.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes on grandparent care flexibility! We’ve also done a variety where my dad has watched baby 2 fulltime while we waited for daycare, then parttime for a few months, then parttime aftercare for older kid in elementary, and soon to be parttime aftercare for both kids in elementary. It shouldn’t be feel like a burden for the grandparents – it’s meant to foster their relationship. I actually wanted to get my older kid in more aftercare days next year to give my dad more one on one time with younger kid, but alas, waitlists here are insane.
busybee says
I don’t understand the problem exactly? I also WFH and my kids are in daycare. If the workday is slow I often run errands and do household chores. Honestly it’s a big part of how we keep life manageable with 3 young kids!
Anon says
Tough question – are you jealous that he gets free childcare when he has a slow day? Because if you are, it’s better to just acknowledge that and approach it honestly, since it will likely look like negotiating more time for yourself when YOU don’t have the kids.
Anon says
Unless there’s more than what you shared, I think it’s a huge overreaction to be “extremely pissed.” My husband and I both have flexible, primarily WFH jobs and we both spend time during the workday running errands and doing our personal hobbies. My only issue with it is that sometimes my husband will spend a large chunk of workweek doing non-work stuff and then makes up for it on the weekends and evenings, which is a little frustrating to me. I feel like if I’m going to be solo with the kids on the weekends so he can work, he needs to be putting in at least 40 hours during the week when we have childcare (there’s nothing about his job that would specifically require weekend work). But if your husband is getting his job done during the other days you have childcare and the only problem is that your parents are judging, I suggest telling them to quit judging or finding alternate childcare for that day.
OP says
Hive, you’re the real MVP.
Yes, there’s lots going on here. We both have been in separate treatment for anxiety, but we’ve had some fights and incidents recently where we both feel disrespected/isolated/frustrated. Our base agreement is that I will not pressure him to get a full time job as long as he is honest with me about his workload and how it is going for him. I understand that some weeks are 20 hours and some weeks are 40, sometimes it’s weekends. He’s made huge strides and been very successful, but sometimes feels the bumps of self-employment harder than others. We’d see how it was going and evaluate if we go to 5 days. As I type this, yeah, we haven’t checked in to see how it’s going.
Our work weeks are incredibly different, with me having a 30 – 45 min commute, kind of a Big Job, pumping, and then having the majority of the mental load. I feel like I am strategically using every hour in the week to make sure my needs are met, but he can skate along and do what he wants because we have stability. Sometimes the ‘yardwork’ is testing out a new blower, putting lights in the garden while the lawn hasn’t been mowed in two weeks. That’s what makes me resentful.
I don’t want to micromanage. I just want to know that when we ask for help, it’s when we actually need it. With 32 hours of paid childcare already, yeah, he could do all of that during those hours. And napping to be with our family is one thing, but napping because of a hangover is another.
But this thread has made me realize 1- yes, i need more time to rest/relax – I have PPA and not having it is a big trigger. 2 – We need re-evaluate the base agreement. 3 – grandparents time is better for drop off/pickup/date nights. Because — i forgot this — you either pay with money or you pay with power! (another gem from this board). We’ve read Fair Play & done the cards, but these life changes (and our mental health) seem too big for both of us.
Anon says
Your spouse will succeed at his business more if he feels he has freedom and your vote of confidence. If you “check in” and feel the need to approve of how he manages his time, you two will only be battling resentment and frustrating each other. My own spouse surged in earning power and interest in financial goals when I let go of the reigns and gave him more breathing room. Let there be oxygen! And take care of yourself more too! Spend time thinking about what you desire. Schedule time off. Do the frivolous things that fill you up. Only you can make you happy. Maybe you go to five days of daycare, and then have your parents babysit for a regular evening or weekend time so you can have time to relax or even go on a date with your partner.
Anon says
I agree on not micromanaging. My husband is a college professor, not a business owner, but there are some similarities: no boss in the traditional sense, a limited number of set work hours, the number of hours worked doesn’t always correlate closely with pay and promotion, and he can’t fired absent some egregious conduct. My husband works hard and is successful, but he also spends 1-2 hours every weekday at the gym during work hours. I cannot even imagine telling him he can’t do this because it doesn’t affect me (and I think if the genders were reversed and a man was telling his professor wife she couldn’t exercise mid-day on a Tuesday people here would be outraged). He’s successful in his career and more than pulls his weight with housework and parenting. Those are the things that affect me, not the minutiae of how he spends his time from 9-5 M-F. I’m also not focused on work for every minute I’m in the office, which I think is the case for a lot of office workers and I wouldn’t want my husband breathing down my neck about it and asking for an accounting of my time.
Anon says
i also agree on the not micromanaging, but I also understand why OP is feeling resentful, especially with the commentary from the grandparents. Putting that aside, and while it is likely impossible to make things exactly equal, perhaps on weekends you should take a nap or sleep in or get some “me” time since you can’t make time for that during the week and your DH can. You say you’ve done the Fair Play cards, but part of that exercise is agreeing on minimum standard of care and it sounds like perhaps you aren’t in alignment on that (see comments re mowing the lawn).
Anon says
I read somewhere that a lot of resentment stems from unspoken expectations. Like if you two haven’t articulated and agreed on certain house and yard standards and he owns that, he can use his time how he pleases and it’s not fair for you to be irritated that the lawn isn’t mowed. Similarly, you should feel empowered to take the time/space you need to be healthy. My spouse has a more flexible job so I truly get where you are coming from, but I promise that it’s so much better on the other side of this dynamic.
Anonymous says
Anyone else enjoying the Olympics? I had it on yesterday afternoon and my five year old daughter commented how much she liked watching women’s sports (we were watching swimming, beach volleyball, and soccer). It was nice!
Anonymous says
Yes it’s amazing. I remember it as a little kid and I hope my kids are lifelong fans too
Anon says
i have 6 year old girl twins and they are complaining every time the boys come on and one started crying when DH commented that the boys are usually faster than the girls. the other one has informed me she plans on competing as a gymnast when she is 16 (though she is not enrolled in gymnastics class…but hey, a girl can dream) and keeps asking if we can go to Italy to watch the winter olympics.
gym mom says
When my daughter was 18 months old she was fascinated by the Olympic women’s gymnastics and turned a storage tub over to make herself a “balance beam.” She eventually became a competitive gymnast.
Anon says
I seriously looked into taking my 6 year old to Milano. I’m a former figure skater so I prefer the Winter Olympics and our whole family loves Italy. It was cost prohibitive though, because each event was going to be in the thousands of dollars per person and I don’t want to see the Olympics that badly. I think it would be an amazing experience for kids though.
Anonymous says
My kids are on unlimited screen time as long as it’s the Olympics and we are all loving it. It’s on all day long and we pop in and watch a race and rate countries uniforms etc. my 11 year old loved canoe slalom and is riotous about the lack of softball, my 8 year old and 6 year old are trying to be synchronized swimmers.
This is so far from our normal approach to screens but this is different than nonstop cartoons.
Anon says
this is us with olympics and our usual screen time approach too. i will admit it is nice to be able to put on the TV in the evenings
Cb says
The canoe was so cool! We were staying in a hotel with a much bigger tv than at home and watched loads. Need to figure out when to watch the basketball, my son is an incredible dribbler but hasn’t seen in player (way less common in the UK)
Anonymous says
My 11 year old that is now into the canoe is also a rabid NBa fan and has watched all the team USA men’s games. It’s so fun to watch them all play together!
Anonymous says
Yes! With the exception of being grossed out by the Dutch volleyball team fiasco – I love watching new sports with the kids. Water polo is always so impressive and it’s the only time we watch sailing and rowing races.
Anon says
Yes, I have a gymnastics obsessed 8 yo who spent yesterday morning doing her own cartwheels and flips while we watched the qualifying round. She had a ton to say about each gymnast and their skills. It was very amusing.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Love it! Such amazing athletes. I would never want this level of training for my own kids (especially gymnastics or others where you have to give up school) but it’s great to watch the athletes’ moments of joy.
AwayEmily says
YES! we bought the full ad-free Peacock subscription and it has been so fun watching with the kids. The 2yo and 6yo invented their own floor routines yesterday, and everyone is VERY excited for breakdancing to start.
A question for my fellow Peacock-ers…how do we find the replays that have narration/announcers? Most of the ones we’ve watched so far have just been the video without any announcers, which is fine but it’s nice having something tell us what to pay attention to.
Boston Legal Eagle says
The primetime shows at night have the announcers – but it’s probably a bit late if you want to watch events live.
AwayEmily says
I definitely don’t care about watching live. Are they accessible the day after somewhere? How can I find them?
Anonymous says
Most events on peacock do have announcers
AwayEmily says
Maybe I’m browsing the wrong way, but this weekend we watched beach volleyball and gymnastics and neither had any announcing. I’ve been selecting a sport and clicking on one of the replays.
Anon says
Same. I don’t think the replays have commentary.
Anon says
agree to the no announcers. this is why i like watching the primetime bc i like watching with commentary
Anon says
I think the replays don’t have announcers. At least none of the ones I’ve watched did. The livestreams do.
anonamommy says
Wait how do you get Peacock with no ads? We have the premium but the quantity and frequency of ads is driving me bananas.
AwayEmily says
I think this is the downside to watching live — the live ones have ads. The replays do not. But apparently the replays don’t have commentary, sigh.
Anon says
Specifically with the Olympics or in general? I think the Olympics has fewer ads than other shows on Peacock. I don’t recall seeing many ads.
anon says
I LOVE watching the Olympics, always have!
Anon says
I love how genuinely happy (or maybe they are good fakers) people seem for their teammates, especially when they are competing against one another. I also think that Suni Lee’s comeback story is amazing. Some of the pictures of her when she was sick, it is really incredible that she is competing again at the olympic level. And Simon Biles as well – I feel like so many gymnasts peak at such a young age.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, all their stories are very inspiring! I also wish Jordan Biles could be given an exception to compete in those individual events – she came so close! The U.S. team are all such powerhouses (and I hope gymnastics training is less sketchy now).
Anon says
The two per country rule sucks and I really feel for the individual gymnasts impacted by it (it happens pretty much every Olympics). But the US pushed hard for it when the Soviet countries were dominant in gymnastics so I don’t feel any sympathy for the federation.
Anon says
yes, my heart broke for her. it is probably hard for her now to go on and compete for the team, but i guess that is what being a team player is about. but mentally that must be tough. i also didn’t realize that in the qualifying round you get 4 to compete and only 3 scores count, but for the real deal it’s 3 compete and all 3 count. that is soooooo much pressure.
Anonymous says
Honestly she knew this rule very well and knew it was a long shot
Anon says
+1 I think it was pretty expected after Suni beat her in trials. It would have been an upset if she’d gotten the second spot.
Anon says
any tips for converting my child to be more of a morning person. school starts here in two weeks and she has to be at school by 7:20. she will be in 1st grade. she cannot seem to fall asleep before 8:30pm unless she is sick. we have to wake her up around 6:30/6:45 and it isn’t enough sleep for her. it is like torture getting her up for school and then she is also a mess in the evenings. after school she spends time on the playground, runs around, etc. she is clearly tired earlier but just cant sleep. we use melatonin after the rec of a doctor.
AwayEmily says
Some advice related to light…
We have had earlier mornings this summer because of camp — kids need to be up by 7 at the latest. This may be totally a placebo affect but when the 8yo was struggling with the new schedule, we made sure that she got morning light as soon as she got up to sort of “reset” her internal clock (since the morning light cues production of hormones). So, for a week or so we hauled her out of bed and took her directly to the front porch (east-facing) for five minutes or so. I definitely heard this advice from somewhere but can’t remember where. Maybe the book “Generation Sleepless”? I skimmed it at the library awhile ago.
And if you’re not already, no screens for two hours before bed. I know some kids are fine with it but my kids are SUPER sensitive to pre-bed screens (we learned this the hard way). And if she reads in bed, get an amber light (we have a clip-on one).
Anon says
This is the classic advice for jet lag, and this is essentially a form of jet lag so I agree. Also blackout curtains and towels under the door to get the kid’s room as dark as possible, and in addition to screens ideally have them avoid sunlight for a couple hours before bed, although I know that can be tough if you want your kids to play outside after school.
Anonymous says
Yup this is an actual thing. Morning light sets up your melatonin for bedtime!
TheElms says
Is her bedroom pitch black? I would take steps to make it as dark as you can get it with an extra layer of blackout curtains (we even taped our to the wall to make sure light didn’t seep around the edges and a pool noodle to block the light coming under the door. I realize this could be tricky if she needs a night light, if so I’d make sure its amber and very dim – maybe a motion activated one that gets brighter when she moves if she is getting up to use the bathroom in the night.
OP says
not pitch black. she shares with her twin sister and they both like a bathroom light on when they sleep or they get scared. i feel like a lot of kids are scared of the dark?
TheElms says
I would do what you can to reduce the light. I suspect that is not helping. And switching from a regular light to an amber color would help.
Is her twin falling asleep earlier? Are they keeping each other awake?
What is the goal falling asleep time? I’d take that time and work backwards from that time to start bedtime early enough to allow for some wind down time once you leave the room and still have her falling asleep when you need her to be asleep.
As you try to change the routine you likely need to keep the early wake up for the weekends as well so that her body will learn this is the time we wake up.
AwayEmily says
We have a Hatch light set to amber and turned down veeeery low as the kids’ nightlight.
Anonymous says
Try stopping the melatonin.
I can’t use it myself – doesn’t seem to really help me fall asleep and makes me super groggy in the mornings.
OP says
without the melatonin she doesn’t fall asleep until 10pm
Anonymous says
Melatonin is not a long-term solution. You need to bite the bullet and use the next couple of weeks to wean her.
Anon says
Melatonin is not habit-forming so “wean” is not the right term, but if she can’t fall asleep until 10 without melatonin using melatonin long term is fine. I’ve seen several neurology and endocrinology specialists for issues mostly unrelated to sleep, and they all say the best case scenario is to get plenty of natural sleep, but getting a sufficient amount of sleep with the aid of melatonin is much better than not getting enough sleep or using habit-forming sleep aids. They all told me it was completely safe to be on it long term.
OP says
we went to a sleep specialist through a highly reputable practice and she said it is ok to give Melatonin for a while.
Anonymous says
Try to get her up earlier. My kid was the same way at walking at 6:45 for a 7:15 bus was awful. She started waking up at 6am and it was so much better. She could shake out the cobwebs, get herself breakfast, get dressed, and we even allowed screen time if she was ready. Most mornings she was ready to go by 7am and waiting on siblings.
EP-er says
Similar situation with my night owl who needs to be out the door at 7:20. We splurged on the Phillips Smart Sleep Wake Up alarm clock. I am amazed at how well it worked, especially since we are so far north. The simulated sunrise really made a difference — along with a streamlined morning routine. (Lunch/backpack ready to go the night before, clothes picked out, etc.)
Anon says
Has anyone done the two-hour fasting glucose test for gestational diabetes? It’s my understanding that this is the more common test everywhere else in the world, but I was surprised my doctor ordered it (they don’t seem too up to date on such things). I know the criteria are a little stricter and I hope I pass but if I don’t, I think I will at least trust that I truly have it.
Now for a question – I have no intention of gaming the test in any way and will eat my usual diet, but I’ve heard mixed things about exercise in the 24 hours before. My doctor didn’t say anything, but is it true that vigorous exercise can mess with the validity of your blood sugar?
GD says
Yes, I’ve done it.
Strongly recommend reading the Evidence Based Birth article on GD — insulin/glucose problems are a spectrum, and the GD test identifies the point on the spectrum where the risks justify the costs associated with medical intervention. I found that article incredibly helpful in how I mentally framed the test (and when I barely failed, the diagnosis). Also, getting GD was the best thing that happened in my pregnancy (other than the birth part), so please don’t be afraid of it!
I would maintain your normal routine on exercise or whatever. If you’re still running 20+ mpw and do a long run every Sunday or whatever, I’d keep that, even if the test was on Monday morning. (Also, go you). But like…I wouldn’t go do a run if you normally don’t run. The goal should be for it to accurately look at a body that’s kind of doing what it always does.
anon says
Morning! Two questions for my 4 year old: I want to do more practicing of his numbers. I drive him and his 8 year old sister to camp/school every morning and I’m thinking there must be a good game or song we can use to practice on the way. We have spotify so we could cue something up there, but also fine with just singing or rhyming on our own. Ideas? And, I’m also wanting to practice patterns and logic with him. Anyone have a game or book they’d recommend for this to use at home? I’m thinking about maybe tangrams, but thought I’d check to see if someone has something they really like. TIA!
Anonymous says
Check out The Critical Thinking Co. for workbooks.
EP-er says
We loved (still love?) They Might Be Giants Here Come the 1-2-3s. (Shout out the rest of their kids albums, too!) You can also play the guessing game (higher/lower) and there is this game we play called Pico-Fermi, which is like Mastermind, in your head, with numbers. We also did a lot of practicing phone numbers and addresses in the car at that age.
Anon says
doesn’t fit exactly, but my kids are obsessed with Hopscotch Songs on spotify. there are some about different numbers, but my kids (and I) have learned all sorts of stuff from them
GCA says
On songs… I’m not much help as Feist’s 1,2,3,4 always gets stuck in my head! Songs are great for a memorized sequence like the alphabet, but you might also want to do things that develop kiddo’s number sense. (Honestly, stuff like just counting out loud with blocks helps them develop a sense of ‘oh – the number 5 actually means a quantity of 5’).
On games: Definitely tangrams and Bedtime Math app. Kid board/ card games are great: we taught kid 2 how to play Sleeping Queens the summer she was 4 (with grown-up assistance). Outfoxed is fun and teaches deductive reasoning; it’s cooperative so big sis can help. Tiny Polka Dot is super versatile. Maybe even the Tiles NYT game? Smaller Sudoku grids?
Red Shoes says
My mom used to have us call out numbers we saw on road signs and add them together — so 65 MPH, okay, what are those numbers, what do they add up to? When we were older, what do they multiply up to? What are their factors, are they prime? (Obviously, some of those questions are appropriate for your 8 year old more than your 4 year old!).
This might be tougher with a rear-facing kid, but I think you could still do it.
anon says
This is purely a rant, but maybe someone else can relate? My kids go back to school in 2 weeks, and I am borderline depressed about how quickly our summer has slipped away. I always go in with great intentions, and then life interferes and we don’t get around to doing everything we’d hoped to do. We have a short getaway planned for the end of next week, and that’s it — done. Summer vacation is officially over.
Yesterday we spent the whole afternoon at the pool with our friends, and it was LOVELY. I hate that our everyday isn’t more like … that. I’m trying to remind myself that the pools will stay open on weekends until Labor Day, so it’s not like we can’t do it on the weekend, but I dunno. I am not in the back-to-school mindset at the moment. Plus, one of my kids is starting at a new school, and I always have a lot of anxiety about school transitions.
Ugh. I hate everything today.
Anon says
I am feeling the same way. We also start in two weeks and I am the above poster whose daughter really really struggles with the early wakeup during the school year. I also get like 1-2 hours less of sleep during the school year.
Mary Moo Cow says
Solidarity. We go back in 3 weeks. I’m ready/not ready. June and the first half of July were an absolute slog around here but suddenly, July is over and why is Halloween stuff everywhere with summer shunted to the clearance section?! I feel like my summer was shunted to the clearance section: it’s just a visceral reminder of how we had some fun but weather/sickness/malaise torpedoed the relaxed, summer fun, family bonding I envisioned.
My kids are ready to go back. I’m ready for them to be out of the house and not patching together childcare or shuttling to camps while while pretending to work, but not ready to not spend some hours at the pool or have a family outing without worrying about how I’m going to fit in homework/extracurriculars/housekeeping.
Anon says
I feel you on the visions of summer being different then the reality. My 6 year old came out of kinder not reading at all, so we worked on it a lot this summer. She made huge progress and I don’t regret doing it but it was such a high conflict summer and nowhere near as relaxing as I’d envisioned.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We have all of August to go over here so it only feels like summer is half over! Not ready for all these back to school things popping up everywhere.
I like to do a week or 10 day trip somewhere with the kids in August so that we get a ton of time together, and then after we are all done with each other and are ready to go back! I recently learned that in Europe (or at least Amsterdam, where we went recently), the kids have only a 6 week break, but the families spend most of August travelling together. I feel like that would be ideal for me instead of a longer summer.
anon says
That sounds ideal, actually. I am tired of piecing together camps and will enjoy the more predictable rhythms of the school year, but I really resent having to work in the summer, if I’m really being honest.
Mary Moo Cow says
+1. I would love a summer sabbatical, a few weeks of unpaid vacation, or the option to go part-time during the summer. I’m planning to take one week off in June, July, and August next summer, in addition to the government holidays I already get, because the only times I enjoyed summer this year was when I was off work.
Anon says
Highly recommend if you can swing it. I took 4 weeks off this summer. My boss was annoyed but I had the time accrued and with kids in K-12 and a college professor husband I can’t really take time off during the academic year except maybe a week at spring break.
Anon says
We go back next week!! Class lists come out on Wednesday so my 6 year old is on edge about whether or not she’ll be with her friends. It does feel like summer has flown by. Although I’m very ready to go back, honestly. We live half a mile from elementary school and most of the camps we did were 20-30 minutes driving from home, so it was a ton of time in the car relative to the school year. We had (mostly) full time childcare over the summer, but between the much longer commute and the lack of routine I felt like I getting nothing done at work and also neglecting my family. I also hate the heat and humidity and am ready for fall weather.
Cb says
We go back 2 weeks from Wednesday and I feel like I could do another week? May, June, and the first half of July were quite wet as well. But my husband is off from tomorrow and they are doing cinema trips with a friend and a playdate, and cousins are staying near us next week so he’ll have some day trips and a sleepover. So it’s fine and I’m looking forward to a bit of a routine.
And we made a list of beaches we want to go to and can do that once school starts at the weekend.
Anonymous says
You still have two weeks plus the weekends! There is a LOT of summer stuff you can fit in- in the span of one week at the end of June my kids had gone to a MLB game, an amusement park, berry picking, the pool a couple times, and on a boat ride with friends. I felt like we had done basically the whole summer already lol. Plan a few more summer feeling events and pool afternoons and that’ll help- honestly by the end of August I am so tired of washing bathing suits.
Anon says
I don’t see how you could fit all that stuff in around a full time job, even a 40 hour/week one.
Anonymous says
You can if you outsource it to day camp or friends. These are all typical day camp outings.
Anon says
Not where I live.
Anonymous says
I’m the one that said that and we did it by taking one day of work (which you might already have off, Juneteenth). We live in the DC area so there is lots of stuff nearby. In the span of one week- Sunday- pool morning, MLB game in the afternoon. Wednesday- Juneteenth, went to Hershey Park. Saturday- berry picking in the morning, boat ride with friends in the afternoon. Sunday- pool morning again.
Kids were at soccer camp during the other work days, where they also did some water stuff..
Anon says
I want to schedule a week next year when I take off work and kids don’t have camp but we stay home. I feel similarly bummed we haven’t had more time to just chill.
Anon says
We get this sort of by default because our schools begin and end on Wednesdays and there are no camps for the partial weeks. I loved it at the beginning of summer but am not looking forward to it now because I’m burned out on summer and feeling hopelessly behind at work and life.
Anon says
Did you not take anytime off to spend summer time together as a family without traveling? If not, you need to do this next year. This is when the memories are made.
Anon says
Eh I disagree- there is lots of fun stuff you can fit into weekend and evenings, and travel and camps make for great summer memories too. It’s great if you enjoy taking time off and not traveling but it’s not the only way to give your kids a great summer.
Anonymous says
When do kids in CA go back to school usually?
Anon says
Our district (coastal city in Orange County) starts on August 19. It was always after Labor Day when I was a kid, but it has creeped earlier in recent years.
Anon says
It varies but I would say mid-August (this year the week of Aug 12 or Aug 19) is most typical.
Former junior associate says
I’m in San Francisco; public school starts August 19. Privates, and other Bay Area districts, seem to be around the same time, some maybe a week later?
Anonymous says
My friends in the South Bay go back August 15
SF says
LAUSD starts around aug 12, charters start around then, private schools mostly seem to start after Labor Day
Morning routine with DH says
I’m not sure if I am being unreasonably irritated at my husband or not. DH is a teacher and has the summers off. During the summer, I have been doing solo morning routines for our 3 kids from 6-7:30 — I get them dressed, make breakfast, and make their camp lunches. He takes over at 7:30 when I leave for work and he drives the 2 big kids to camp. He then spends the morning with our youngest (3) before handing her over to my mom at noon for lunch. He picks up the big kids at 4 pm and hands them over to my mom.
I’m not sure if this is a division of labor issue or just a larger underlying issue about how alone I feel in the mornings. I understand he does a lot when I’m at work, but I also feel like he should be getting up and pitching in with the morning routine instead of sleeping in, showering, etc. But maybe I’m wrong.
In general he sticks to whatever tasks he is “assigned” and doesn’t feel the need to pitch in if he is unoccupied and I’m busy with the kids. I guess I’m struggling with whether my feelings about this are valid or an overreaction. If I ask him to pitch in, he’ll ask me to identify a specific task that needs to get done. Then once he does that task (example, get milk for the youngest), he’ll sit back down on the couch and let me continue making breakfast/brushing hair/whatever.
Anon says
Does he let you sleep in on weekends? Is he mostly in charge of bedtime? As you’ve described it, this would feel unfair to me too. My husband manages the morning routine but I do bedtime and he also travels a lot more than I do so I do a lot more solo parenting. And we both work full time (ostensibly) in the summers.
Also do you have to get up an hour and a half before you leave the house? I don’t have 3 kids but that feels like a lot of time to me and if you could push it back even half an hour it could make a big difference to how rested you feel.
Anon says
yea this would feel super unfair to me too. are you more of a morning person than he is? otherwise i dont see why he would be doing whatever in the morning while you do it all.
Anon says
Why is he handing the kids off to your mom? Since he’s getting a huge break every day, I can see why it’s annoying that he also gets the mornings “off”. I am a SAHM and my husband does let me sleep in while he handles the kids before he goes to work, but then I am with them the entire day until he gets home 12+ hours later…so that extra sleep in the morning is critical to my mental health and the good of the family. But your situation sounds different, and it does strike me as strange.
Though, like the thread above, rather than focus on how your husband spends every hour, think holistically about what YOU need, and what’s best for the family, and approach it that way.
Anon says
The grandma may want the kids. DH and I both work but my mom pushed hard to have our kid in half day camp and with her in the afternoons. If DH or I stayed home she would still want to help part time I’m sure.
Anon says
So my mom was a teacher and she was the primary parent / mostly only childcare in the summer. We had activities (swim lessons and swim team and usually some sort of sport clinic through the township) but otherwise she did it all and my dad worked.
Unless its a speciality camp that a kid really wants to go do, I would not do camps in the summer. I don’t think its worth the headache or expense. There’s no rush to get out the door in the morning if you don’t need to leave for camp at 730!
What does your husband do between 12 – 4 and then after 4? What time do your kids get back from your mom’s?
Anon says
This. Kids can do a week or two of special camp. No way I would do this all summer if I didn’t need childcare.
Anonymous says
Whaaaaat? If he is off during the summer then the division of labor should be the reverse of “50s dad”: he does all child care and housework while you go off to work. And why is your mom watching the kids?
Anon says
yup, every teacher I know (a lot!) has this set up in the summer. My brother is a teacher – they don’t have to be anywhere til 9AM (swim lessons at the local pool) so the kids are up and playing / watching a little TV before my SIL leaves for work but she’s not doing anything hands on. Then after she leaves my brother gets everyone ready, they have breakfast, then he drives them to the pool, they have swim lessons and swim team, then he takes them home, they change and eat lunch. Then most afternoons they go back to the pool and/or the park to play, sometimes they play at home while my brother does stuff like yard work, and sometimes they do something fun (go to a museum, go to the movies, go to a different pool). They get home around 4, kids play while my brother cooks dinner. SIL gets home around 5 and they have eat and then family time until bedtime (SIL does bedtime).
My brother copied this schedule from our mom who was a teacher and was home with us full time in the summers.
The only time we did camps would be each summer we would each do 1-2 weeks of a camp we were interested in and asked for – not day camp but something specialized like sports or drama.
Anonymous says
I know a couple where the wife is a teacher and the husband has a flexible office job. During the school year the dad is the primary parent, and during the summer the mom is the primary parent.
anon says
that’s infuriating. sorry, if i have work then i should be getting ready for MYSELF from 6-730 when the parent who is not working should be working with the kids. He has ALL day to shower.
Anonymous says
Uh I am a teacher and WTF does your husband do all day with 2 kids in camp and all afternoon childfree? I am the childcare in our family in the summer and literally every single one of my coworkers with kids are the same (a lot of us spend a lot of time at the town pool together).
When I have to run errands the kids come along. When I have to do housework or yardwork the kids either “help”, actually help, or play while I get stuff done.
My parents take the kids Thursday afternoons for an “outing” each week, which is my time “off”. But, they volunteered to do this (and let’s be clear, it wasn’t to give me a break it was to have structured time to spend with the grandkids).
OP says
A bit more background here – my big kids are in theater camp that starts at 9 am; DH is with them from 7:30 am when I leave for work until he drops them off at 9am. DH and I both handle bedtime. My mom handles childcare during the school year, and she continues to come for half days during the summer.
Yes, basically he has the afternoons free every day while the kids are in camp and my mom is with my youngest. He claims that he’s helping a lot by taking care of the youngest in the morning and doing camp drop offs and pick ups. And I’m not saying that he does nothing; I just feel that our balance is really unequal. I have a very demanding, stressful job, and I’d love to have more support from him in the summers so that I don’t have to shoulder these burdens alone in the morning. But I’m tired of snapping at him every morning and losing my cool with my kids because of how overwhelmed I feel all the time. On weekends, he sleeps in while I get up with the kids and make breakfast. It’s just getting to be too much.
OP says
I should also add that during the school year, I handle mornings completely solo since he has to leave for work early. But he still gets home later than or at the same time as me and then we split bedtime responsibilities. He claims he has to stay after school ends at 3:30 grading or going to the gym. I leave work early and get home to cook dinner, or else my mom cooks or DH brings home takeout. I cannot get him to take responsibility for cooking dinner even a handful of nights. When I tell him that he has much more free time than I do (and specifically that he spends afternoons at the gym when I’m at work and my mom or our babysitter is watching the kids), he says I should wake up earlier to go to the gym. He also says he needs his free time for his mental health.
Anon says
he might need free time for his mental health – i do…but you are also a human being who probably does too. i would also be super pissed. especially if my DH said I should wake up earlier to go to the gym. some people on this board have said that they try to approach in terms of getting equal leisure time. maybe that approach would work well for you guys? I think your DH should be handling mornings in summer and on weekends you can each do one day. i have a good friend who is a teacher and her husband is a doctor and her kids are in camp all summer, but she does mornings and pick ups and uses the time when they are in camp as some time to herself, but also to do household stuff and all of her own doctor appointments bc there is little time for that in the school year. the school she works at involves doing after school stuff so during the school year she has very very little time to herself or to get household stuff done. does your mom want to be coming for half days during the summer? or does she also want a break? if you and your DH can’t figure this out yourselves I’d suggest bringing in a professional to help with the conversation
anon says
Holy cow! Girl, you in danger! This sounds awful for you! Sorry, not sorry, but your husband is lazy and taking advantage of you. He sleeps in on the weekends?! He has every afternoon free?! When do you get a break?! And let me guess–you’re the breadwinner, right? This needs to change. This internet stranger is giving you permission to have a come to jesus talk with your DH.
Anon2 says
Nope nope nope. I totally get why you are feeling neglected. Normally I’m on team “assume good intentions” and hate scorekeeping in a marriage, but he is basically getting a summer vacation here. It’s time for a chat about what categories of tasks he can take on for the summer (all the meal-planning, shopping, cooking dinner; all the house cleaning, etc). I’m a SAHM and I believe a parent-at-home’s primary job is to watch the kids, but that’s because I have at least one kid with me 24/7. In this case, he has more than enough time to housekeep and run errands, too. 7:30-9 is easy…you’ve probably already fed them and part of that time is sitting in the car.
Also think about the rest time you need and ask for it. One weekend morning off, etc.
Anon says
This is so unfair to you. At the MINIMUM, you should get to sleep in on weekends and he can do the morning childcare and breakfast.
Anon says
Yeah this wouldn’t be ok with me. Unlike some others I have no issue with the kids going to grandmas assuming your mom is happy to do it. That kind of thing is wonderful for the grandparent-grandkid bond, and even SAHPs need a break. But if he’s getting afternoons off he needs to be more helpful in mornings and evenings.
Anon says
Wait kids don’t start camp til 9AM and you’re up and getting them ready and feeding them breakfast between 6 and 730? Heck no! DH can manage all of that between 730 and 9 when you’re out of the house!!
Anon says
+1 and if the issue is the kids waking at 6 get an alarm clock and tell them to stay in the room until at least 7. Kids who are old enough for camp can play alone for an hour if they wake up super early.
Anon says
I’m not following all the details exactly, but my husband is similar in the mornings. I get the kids fed, dressed, pack lunches, read to them, etc, while he sleeps. When he finally gets up, he eats his own breakfast at leisure before doing anything to help. Honestly, it annoys me too. It was my main request in couple’s therapy—please help more with the kids and give me time for myself in the mornings. It never happened. I think a lot of men are more self-focused. Remember that your husband doesn’t have to score an A in every area of life. Even his C effort counts, if he makes up for it in other ways or other times.
anon says
Wow, this thread makes me so sad for you with such selfish husbands. You need to value yourself and your own well being more, and have greater expectations for your partners. It doesn’t have to be this way! And if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. What kind of message do you think you are sending them?
Anon says
I’m not one of these posters (if anyone in our marriage does more than half, it’s my husband) but divorce isn’t simple once you have kids and I doubt it would be better for kids to have divorced parents than married parents with a very unequal division of labor. Also sometimes women don’t object to it as much as you might think. My BFF got her husband to agree to a third kid on the condition that he wouldn’t have to lift a finger. It’s definitely not a choice I would make but she’s an adult who entered into this arrangement willingly and I think it kind of takes away her agency to say she’s being taken advantage of.
Anon says
I really, really hate this take because it just turns it around on the (in this case) wife that is already feeling underwater (“You need to do this for the kids!”). In so many ways I won the lottery with DH and in MANY ways I did not.
Marriage is taking the good with the not-so-great, and sometimes that means accepting imperfect realities.
anon says
I mean, ok, you can hate it but that doesn’t make it wrong. If you let someone treat you like their assistant or servant, then it is your fault. I’m not saying do it for the kids, I’m saying do it for yourself! YOU deserve it. And, aside from that very important point, your kids deserve to see a model of what an equal partnership looks like. And, there’s a big difference between imperfect like, he leaves his dirty clothes out or he doesn’t give me compliments as much as I like, and he lets me do all the work and is aware that I’m stressed and overwhelmed and refuses to lift a finger. It’s fine if people have low standards for their spouse but it’s also fine for me to think the taken advantage of spouse is not using their agency.
Anon says
You made it about the kids though when you said “What kind of message do you think you are sending them?” That implies people in situations like this need to divorce for the sake of the kids.
I don’t think modeling unequal relationships is that bad for the kids. With no disrespect to anyone here who’s divorced, there’s lots of evidence about how divorce is harmful for kids. Obviously there are situations where it’s better than the alternative but I don’t think a lazy husband is going to profoundly damage your kids.
I also don’t really believe people are shaped that much by what their parents model, which I know is a bit of a hot take. A lot of it comes down to personality, and good people will work hard to be good spouses who share equally in the workload and not just automatically do what their parents modeled. My husband had a mom who did everything for the house while also working outside the home in a demanding job so by your logic he would have been a load like his dad who expected me to do 100%. But he’s a completely equal partner who does way more than most straight men I know.
Anon says
While I think your husband should do more, I also think you should do less. Either he picks up the slack, the kids do more for themselves, or things get dropped and really its NBD.
If the kids don’t leave for camp until 9, why are you doing hands on things with them between 6 and 7:30? They can get up when they wake up and play or watch TV or something while you get ready for work. If they’re hungry they can get themselves something to eat (if they’re older, they can pour themselves some cereal or grab a yogurt, if they’re younger you can keep granola bars or fruit somewhere that’s accessible to them). No need to make breakfast on a weekday (or ever). If they’re old enough for a specialty camp, they can probably get themselves dressed, brush teeth, brush hair and the like independently or with minimal supervision – which DH can do after you leave for work. DH can completely get the youngest ready on his own too.
Anon says
Is there a reason you aren’t switching off on waking up with the kids? I think the actual camp drop-off is pretty easy – everything before it is the real work. I’m a SAHM but I could never just be the designated “morning person” to wake up with the kids everyday – granted my kids wake up 6am on a good day. Even if he’s doing drop-off everyday, I would alternate morning prep and kid coverage. I think you are completely in the right to be upset. After a lot of resentment, I finally told my husband that we would be alternating dishes every night. I was cooking and cleaning for dinner every night and I felt like we needed marriage counseling. Turns out, taking off dish duty half the time was all I needed to feel better. If his summer involves a lot of free time, you both need to evaluate how to give you more free time. I’m all about the equal free time. Within reason. I can’t control that my slightly compulsive husband spends triple the amount of time on his dish night that I do. I’ve learned to let that go.
Anonymous says
My husband is a teacher, and the most charitable thing I can say about your situation is that it is easy to default to school year division of labor during the summer without conscious effort. I think it is very fair to say, hey, I’d like to be able to have more downtime in the summer too. Can you take on x, y, and z? At a minimum, he could pack lunches for camp the night before, and he could take over on at least one weekend morning year-round so you can sleep in at least once a week.
My son is 12 and no longer doing much in the way of camps, but I had no issue with him doing them when he was younger as it helped with socialization (we live in the city and his friends aren’t just roaming the neighborhood all summer) and it gave my husband a break. In general I think his job is mentally/emotionally depleting in a way that mine just isn’t for me. But he cooks dinner for us almost every day year-round; I get home too late. I make about 2 meals a week, either on weekends or after dinner, that can be reheated for lunches or dinners. He does almost all of our laundry year-round. He did daycare/afterschool pickup when that was a thing for us, and is still usually home by 5 (he does most grading at home); I always did drop-off and the morning routine during the school year. I would take my son to camp as long as it was on my way, but I asked my husband to make lunch for my son during the summer since he could easily do that the night before and still sleep in.
Vicky Austin says
Talk to me about brushing teeth for the littlest ones. We give DS a toothbrush and he kinda just chews on it, refusing to let us do any real brushing, and I really need to get religion about this because his breath is super stinky. How do I make it fun?
New Here says
How old is he? Have you taken him to a dentist? My daughter (4.5) follows instructions better from someone other than me sometimes. So this last time, I mentioned we needed to work on brushing longer. So he told her that she brushes first, then I need to go in and check things.
When she was young though…it definitely took both parents, sitting on the ground, and one holding her still.
Anon says
Yeah I don’t think you make little kid teeth brushing fun. Its something you white knuckle and do – probably by force.
Clementine says
Mickey Mouse Brush to the beat. I have tried many, MANY things… but this is the one thing that gets kids PSYCHED to brush their teeth, encourages moving around the mouth and also a two minute timer. I pull it up on YouTube.
GCA says
How old is kiddo again? When kids were older infants/ tiny toddlers (like 10-13 months) we basically had them chew on a teether/ tongue scraper-like thing – they only had a couple of teeth at that point. As more teeth grew in, we then started flossing and brushing for real. At times we’ve done the ‘mom’s lap is a dentist’s chair’ – kid lies down on my lap and gets flossed & brushed that way. My kids also loved having their teeth brushed while being held upside down, go figure.
Anonymous says
Depends on the age? We definitely went through a period with both kids where it took two parents to hold them down/brush their teeth. It’s really important. Little kids shouldn’t have stinky breath do they have cavities?
Anonymous says
I don’t know how this happened but there was a period when my son watched the video of Lipps, Inc’s song Funkytown every night while brushing his teeth. It made it fun for us at least.
FYI, bad breath might be more from tonsil stones than teeth though.
Red shoes says
Our dentist said “just chewing on it” is perfect for the first month or two of introducing a brush, for what it’s worth. Goal is just to get them used to the object in their mouth at first.
Once you’re past that, we tell our kid what we’re brushing off her teeth! “Oh, we gotta get those goldfish you had for snack! Ooh, looks like I see some lasagna right there. And there’s that stinking broccoli!” She giggles and loves it. Much better than the screaming she did before we started doing this.
a vent says
I had a big mom fail last night and I feel terrible. I was taking my three kids to see the Lion King musical and we were tight but fine on time, but both valet and the theater parking garage were full. I reeeally wanted to make the beginning of the show and yelled at my five year old to shut up when they were fighting and I was trying to find alternate parking then they were totally game and ran but we were still 30 seconds too late and missed the opening number. Which gutted me because it’s the Lion King and that’s the chill inducing kick off. Kids still had fun – especially the five year old – but I feel so bad about yelling at her and honestly that we missed the beginning of a show I was looking forward to sharing with them! That’s it. I’m tearing up thinking about it. I know it’s not a big deal, it was just a really disappointing series of events. I’m glad they still got to enjoy it. We just canceled our big end of summer family vacation with my parents because my mom has to have surgery, so I just feel like things are not going well right now and I’m failing them a lot.
Anon says
Deep breaths and therapy.
You are NOT failing them. Kids still had fun. Kids get yelled at sometimes. Kids still enjoyed the show. They won’t remember that vacation got canceled. Its all okay.
Anon says
+1
Anonymous says
You did fine!
Anon says
Gently, this is a lot of angst for something that is very normal, going to happen more than once, and in absolutely no way you failing as a mom.
Do you normally feel this type of angst about family stuff, or is this a one off and likely due to managing other stress (like your mom’s surgery)? If it’s a one off, I’d just remind yourself that this is all totally fine. If this is more frequent I’d look into therapy.
Anon says
Every mom has done something similar, I promise you. Sometimes low moments help us to re-evaluate and motivate us to do better next time. Being late to an important event is triggering to a lot of people.
Anon says
I think it’s a life lesson to learn to keep your mouth closed and cooperate during a stressful moment. It’s not the time to fight with a sibling or be distracting. Everyone learns that lesson eventually. Yesterday just happened to be the day for your 5 yo.
Anon says
+1 I had this thought too. It’s not ideal to yell at your kids, yeah, but there’s nothing wrong with the kid learning the lesson that they need to keep quiet and not bother someone during a stressful time even.
Food Allergy Club says
Just wanted to thank everyone who commented on my post last week about my baby’s sudden severe reaction to eggs.
When I was reading through the responses later that day it was so nice to feel both seen and supported.
The comments helped push me in the right direction to do some research and book an allergist appointment. And I have other immunology specialists in our area researched out in case we need to shop around for the right kind of care.
I’m very appreciative of the women who take time to offer suggestion on this group.
Food Allergies says
I was one of those women, and I’m so happy to see this update. I hope the allergist is helpful and that this is something kiddo grows out of. Sending along lots of love.
Anon says
My daughter did a half day (9-12) dance camp where they showed them a full ~1.5 hour kids movie every single day. I don’t think I’m super pearl clutchy about screens but this is objectively crazy right? I can understand a movie during a full day camp or as a special Friday treat in a half day camp but they’re spending half the camp time in front of screens! I wfh and if I wanted her watching movies all day I wouldn’t need to pay for camp.
Spirograph says
Yeah, I would be annoyed if I paid for dance camp and they spent half the time watching movies. For me, that would be worth a conversation with the director.
Anon says
Yes, crazy. My kids went to a half day camp and they watched YouTube during snack time and even that was annoying to me. And it’s a big problem if they don’t let you know this is on the agenda beforehand, because some parents do have objections to large amounts of screen time or certain types of content. Especially if you are paying for a skills-type camp, you assume they will be spending their time enjoying that activity!
Anon says
i’d be livid. i could see showing snippits of movies for like 15 minutes a day if they want to show them different types of dance.
Anon says
Yeah, this is too much for a half day camp! I don’t care as much about the screen time (especially in the summer when they’re presumably more active during the day than school), but more WTF am I paying for if half of the time at camp is spent watching a movie?
Anonymous says
Yup I would be super annoyed. Part of the reason we didn’t repeat a camp this summer is because last year I paid $30 per kid for aftercare that covered about 2 hours from 3-5PM, and they showed a movie. Thanks, I could have done that at home for free.
Anonymous says
this would irritate me too. I wouldn’t pull my kids out, but wouldn’t send them again next year.
OP says
That’s where I landed too. She’s currently saying it was her favorite local camp (of course, she loves movies!) I think the dates might mysteriously just not work next summer. Truthfully, there’s a good chance they actually won’t work.
Anonymous says
irritated anon from 1:24 here – my kid’s favorite local camp was at one of her now-retired teacher’s houses. Camp was from 9-3 and they watched a movie every day on her couch. They also ran errands with the teacher, like going to grocery store and to the Asian market, while the teacher did her shopping. Kiddo is in all of these specialized STEM camps, a T.S. dance camp, a filmmaking camp, and she liked going to the store with the teacher. I don’t have enough bandwidth to complain about it if my kid enjoys it and it isn’t a safety issue. I’ll just note it for next year and move on.
Anoon says
I’m super late to this thread, but this is so cute. Going to the market with my favorite teacher sounds like a dream!
My kids go to a great camp and I still sometimes feel sad that they are not getting the SAHM summer of my own childhood: sleeping in, reading a million books, running errands with mom, lounging on the couch watching gameshows and soap operas on TV until declaring, “I’m ready for school to start again,” just in time.
Anon says
Yes, that is totally crazy.
octagon says
I’d be furious and would complain to the camp director. We are a very low-screen family and that’s more screen time than my child gets in a month, in a single week. Any chance the director doesn’t know what’s happening? I’d also probably be aggressive and ask for a refund, because your kid did not get the 3 hours of dance instruction you paid for.
anon says
I think this is too much screen time for a paid-for camp, but I think you give way too little
Anonymous says
that’s insane. speak to the camp director, but also give all the facebook mom groups in your community a heads up.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I would not be paying someone else to supervise movie-watching, especially at a three-hour camp.
anon says
Yeah, that’s not OK. I’d be ticked.
Anon says
I complained to a soccer camp that did this. The camp ended at 3 PM and I planned to have my kids watch a movie while I finished work after a long day of soccer and swimming. But the camp was letting them watch 2-3 hours of movies per day, so my movie-after-camp plan didn’t work. I was pretty annoyed and we haven’t done that camp again.
For what it’s worth, when I complained the camp told me the kids were only getting 30 minutes of a movie per day. But my kids could tell me what movies they’d watched in full and when. I believed them and considered that the camp was being dishonest.
Red Shoes says
If this was a weeklong sleep away camp, I’d be like, yeah, they can watch a movie every night after dinner! This is bananas at a THREE HOUR camp.