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Boston Legal Eagle says
Morning all. Somewhat related to yesterday’s discussion of evening routines with kids and getting nights out, can you all talk through your evening/bedtime routines with the kids and note their ages? Generally for better, but maybe for worse in this case, husband and I haven’t done much solo parenting so we’re usually both there for the kids’ bedtimes and we each take one, so I’m trying to think of how each of us could take a night off (if we wanted to). My kids are 4 and 6.5 so I would think they’re old enough but our routines are still very hands on! Ours is:
Kids get home from daycare/aftercare/my dad at around 5/515. Hang out until dinner at around 5:30. Then the bedtime fun starts at around 6 for the younger one. We do baths and showers every night still, so he gets a bath. Then it’s brushing teeth, putting pjs on, watching a few short videos and starting books. He’s usually done by 7.
The older one showers mostly by himself, but needs A LOT of prodding to actually get in the shower, and do the shower routine. Is this typical of this age or is my kid extra? He’s not exactly the most rule compliant, but especially at night it’s a pain. So he’s done with the shower at around 6:45, then also pjs and brush teeth, then videos (we often threaten to take away the videos if he doesn’t get in the shower so it’s kind of a bargaining chip), and finally books. Done by 7:30. If one of us were doing this, I guess we could streamline by skipping bath/shower, but the kids might be thrown by the routine shift and stay up later anyway. And older one would still need some incentive to actually get in his room and get ready for bed.
Anyway, what do you all do?
Emily Sealy says
My kids are 7.5 and 5.5 and both need significant reminders to move along the bedtime funnel. DH and I also are usually both there in the evenings. Big Sister needs more sleep than Little Sister, so they have lights out at the same time.
We do baths or showers every other night. So, on a bath night: Aim for homework with Dad while I make dinner and dinner served between 6 and 6:30. Any time between end of dinner and 7 p.m. is free play (usually girls play while DH and I finish up dinner and clearing the table.) I herd kids upstairs to bath around 7, in the bath from 7:15-7:30, then hustle them through dressing, teeth brushing, hair brushing, until 7:45. They like to sleep in the same room, so I do bedtime stories from 7:45-8:15, then lights out at 8:15. DH comes up to say goodnight at 8:15.
On a non-bath night, after dinner is family hangout time. Any homework that needs to be done gets done, but usually we try to play a board game or read more stories together, or DH and I watch the kids in imaginative play. Bedtime routine is the same, starting around 7:30.
It just takes so much longer than I think it should and I would like my one-on-one bedtime back, but my oldest sleeps better with someone in the room, so I think this is our routine for a while.
Anonymous says
I’d just try it out. I don’t think it sounds that unmanageable, whoever is home alone will sort it out. I’d plan for a super easy dinner.
Cb says
My son is 5 so when I’m in town (honestly, not a lot this term) and we’re both home (husband WFH 4 days a week), our routine looks like this. School finishes at 12 on Fridays, so we typically do baths Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday, when the scheduling is easier.
5:15: I collect T from aftercare and we cycle home. While I’m gone, my husband starts chopping for dinner – we use meal kits so this doesn’t require much coordination.
5:35: Home, I typically take over cooking. My husband does bath. If I’m solo, we skip the bath and T does his reading homework in the kitchen while I finish cooking. Or he’ll call my parents on the Alex.
6:00: Dinner
After dinner, there’s a few minutes for play, a puzzle, lego, etc. And then we read stories downstairs (this was a change we made that seems to help the upstairs routine).
7:00: Upstairs, teeth, audiobook (with snuggles from mom or dad, but if I’m home, mostly me), while the other parent deals with the kitchen. He continues to listen to his audiobook for 20 more minutes, gets up and goes to the bathroom, then a (made up) story, happy thoughts, song, and a cuddle for the other parent.
It seems a bit extended but it’s fairly calm and prioritises time with kiddo. And we’re off duty by 7:45/8 max, since the person doing the cleaning finishes up around then.
I think it’s a pretty similar routine when I’m not there. Sometimes DH makes dinner for himself later if the meal kit is more complicated/there are no leftovers.
Evening Routine says
I love scheduling posts! We do a good mix of togetherness and solo parenting due to work schedules or other obligations. Rough timelines below! Mine are 7 and 5.
4:30 – 5 – a parent is usually back on duty (my mom handles after school hours where they veg/snack). Our first thing is “table time”. They do their homework and we talk through the day including looking together at anything they brought home. If we’re both home, husband and I will talk through plans for the rest of the week, meals, etc.
5 – 6 :30ish – if there are no kid activities, we usually try to go for a walk or do something short together like play a game. Then we split off and do our chores for the evening. Kids lay out outfits, get their backpacks and accessories, etc. Parents do meal prep, get ourselves ready, talk about our days, etc. If there’s extra time left after chores, they’ll play or we’ll all do something together.
6:30ish – kids take turns showering. Once he’s in the shower, my 7 year old is fine. My 5 year old needs someone to sit in the bathroom and remind him what to do. I don’t think he’s taking the best showers, but we’re getting there. If we’re solo parenting, the time commitment required to get them clean is minimal so it’s easier to do dinner prep or whatnot while they’re in the shower.
7ish – dinner
8ish – brush teeth, then books
8:30 – bed
Game changers on the evening routine for me were when I figured out a few years ago that they could get clean before dinner. It makes the evening feel so much easier once that’s done. Table time is a recent addition and also a game changer because they know what to expect and it’s not a battle later on to do it. We try to balance play time / do stuff time and it seems to be working OK.
Pogo says
I think clean before dinner only works once you’ve got kids 5+ – my 2yo still gets food in his hair pretty significantly. My 5yo could probably do bath first and it would be fine, tho – maybe will try that one!
Anon says
My kids are 7, 5 and 1. I get them all bathed/dressed/teeth brushed while my husband cleans up downstairs. We are on the later end of bedtimes, so this happens anywhere 7:45-8:15.
Then husband takes the baby, older boy goes into his room to read, and I read/tuck in the middle boy by like 8:30. Then I go read with and tuck in the older boy by 9. However, at age 4 and 6 you could also read to them together in one room, then tuck in younger and go back for a last chat/snuggle/tuck in with the older.
And yes, the shenanigans around getting in the bath, then out of the bath, and keeping people on track are normal. I’m trying to level set that bedtime will take an hour, no matter what, and having that mindset helps. Kids’ willpower and attention span are shot by evening (just like their parents!) so the more hands on I can be in moving them along (and putting away my phone), the better it goes
Pogo says
following. The best solutions we have for solo bedtime: 1) letting the older one just watch video until the younger one is in bed and 2) combining bathtime and books for both kids, but this usually leads to the two of them riling each other up and bedtime ends up taking the same or longer if we split them up. The most successful was times that I was able to convince older kiddo to listen to a sleep story post-bath (so in jammies, teeth brushed, etc) and then he just fell asleep while I was putting the younger one to bed. I think he caught on tho so I haven’t been able to replicate in awhile.
We have the added wrinkle that technically the younger one should go to bed later (because he naps) but the optics of that are tough to square w/ the older one.
So Anon says
My kids are a bit older now, but I’ve been single parenting since they were 5 and 8 (just after he turned 8). At that age, I had a babysitter with them two nights per week. She would handle post-school and dinner. On the days when I was home, I would aim to stop work by 5:30/6 and have dinner ready by 6:30. We would be done with dinner at 7. I would alternate who took a bath. While one was in the bath, I would help the other kid get PJs, play for a bit and get settled in their room. When bath-kid was done, I would then help them into PJs and get settled in their rooms. I aimed to have both kids in their rooms by 7:45. I would read to my youngest first, while my oldest read on his own. I would flip that on occasion. Then, I would sit in the hall between their rooms until they fell asleep or declare that I needed to do laundry. To be honest, until we all got used to it, and even after, there was a fair amount of me walking back and forth between the kids. I would tell bath kid that they had five minutes, while prodding non-bath kid to actually put on PJs/brush teeth/whatever. One thing that helped was that I made visual charts of the things that each kid needed to do before bed. That way, they could more independently go down the checklist. It isn’t always easy, but it can be done. It gets easier as they get older. My oldest is now almost 12, and after dinner, he disappears upstairs to shower, get PJs, do all his things and then he pops back down to say goodnight and take his meds before he goes up for bed.
Pogo says
this gives me hope. I relate to “prodding non-bath kid” etc. I often leave on kid in bath while I help the other one and yeah… lots of prodding all around. Or reminders to keep water in the tub (2yo lol).
Anon says
I now have four kids, but have run the same routine since we had only one. My husband and I do a lot of solo bedtimes, and it’s actually pretty calm at this point. Honestly, I’ve found that everyone does better when we are all together, doing the same task, so there’s no prodding or repeatedly asking the kids to accomplish a task from another room.
– 6PM dinner, then clean up the kitchen as a group. The “sit down” part of our dinners are usually pretty quick b/c we still have the 2 little kids. But, then we all clean as a group. Everyone, even the toddler, has a job. My 10 and 8 year olds stack the dishwasher, the 4 year old clears, and the toddler is often given items to carry from one person to another, while I put away food and wipe containers. The older kids typically grumble at first, but since we are all working together, the grumbling usually stops after a few minutes. I also just ignore it. They can grumble all they want, they know it won’t get out of cleaning together. Mentally, I love not going upstairs until I know the kitchen is clean b/c I know when bedtime is done, I can come downstairs and sit/relax.
– 7PM – possibly controversial, but all of mine bathe in the same bathroom. Toddler and 4 year old go in the tub, the 8 year old and 10 year old shower in the same bathroom right next to the tub. again, because we are all together, and everyone is bathing, there’s no fighting or prodding. It’s just what we are all doing together. 10 year old has only just recently peeled off to find another bathroom to privately shower, but always comes back up to our bathroom after to brush her teeth. I brush the little kids’ teeth while they are still in the tub, and the big kids do their teeth when they pop out of the shower.
– 8PM – even though my big kids technically have separate bedrooms, the little kids and the big kids bunk together. I let the big kids go in their room and talk while I read 2 stories to the 4 and 2 year old, then put each in their bed. I turn off the lights and rock each little kid individually while singing one song to them, then turn off lights and walk out.
– 8:20 – go in big kids room and do a “highs and lows” of the day, which usually leads to a longer chat about their day, then lights out for them.
I’m usually back downstairs by 8:30/8:45. The routine doesn’t change if either my husband or I are solo or doing it together. My 8 year old with ADHD now could probably go upstairs and do this routine on his own (largely bc it’s been the routine since he was born), but it’s only been the last year or so that I think he could stay on task if we weren’t all together.
Other than them getting awfully noisy at times, it’s a very happy, cohesive routine. They have fun together, which is an unintended consequence. I started lumping their routines together and including them in kitchen cleaning when they were younger because I found it so mentally draining to do more than one bedtime every night.
Cb says
Aww that sounds lovely! I knew I could only handle 1 kid, but I quite like the hustle and bustle of a bigger family from afar.
Pogo says
this is inspirational. I will definitely start incorporating kiddos into cleaning up from dinner!!
Anon says
:) Thank you Pogo and CB! You guys made me smile :) I often feel like a bit of an oddball with a big family living in an area where there are not many big families (and I get a LOT of comments when we are out in public – YES MY HANDS ARE FULL), but our time together as a family at home always feels sacred and special. I love seeing the four of them grow up together with a unique bond.
Tea/Coffee says
Kids are 7 and 12. The 12YO is almost entirely hands-off at this point (there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise you all!!!) DH and I are both home most nights, but he deals with more of the after-school aftermath so I do most of the bedtime stuff. Both shower every night.
After dinner (anywhere from 5:30-6:30 depending on activities) we tell ONE kid to take their shower. Their reward is they have time to come back down and watch a show or play a game or whatever. Then, 2nd kid showers. Basically we have de-coupled showers from “the bedtime routine.”
8YO goes upstairs to brush his teeth, get clothes laid out for the next day around 7:30. Usually in bed and I am reading to him ~7:45ish, for 5-10 mins. YES this is short – but he reads independently at other times in the day so this is not the only reading he’s getting! Hugs and kisses and lights out 7:45-8:00.
Anywhere between 8-8:30 we tell the 12YO, it’s time to go upstairs and go to bed! Her phone bricks at 8pm so there is almost never pushback on this. Hugs and kisses in the family room. At that point she brushes her teeth and so forth and goes to bed and to sleep independently. I truly never thought we would get to this day. So DH being away at bedtime is a non-issue, and me being away at bedtime (maybe 2-3 nights/month) is almost a non-issue.
My biggest piece of advice is to decouple showering from bedtime, for kids old enough and motivated enough to take a shower. Bonus, we have some more time in the evenings to sniff-check… we have definitely sent both kids back upstairs to take another shower / rinse their hair / cut their fingernails and by doing the showers earlier, we have time for that. When they were younger and both required hands-on bedtimes, I just did them in series… shower, shower, bedtime routine, bedtime routine.
ifiknew says
I solo parent a lot for my 5.5 and 3.5 year old. I work from home 3 days a week and work part-time, so I try to have dinner prepped in the morning before work or do it around my lunchtime, so that by the time I pick up the kids at 3 pm, dinner is ready. We usually have an activity or library etc after and get home around 4-430. They play with the neighbors or watch tv and we eat dinner around 5 pm. Sometimes the kids dinner at 430 if they’re starving or 530 other days. I usually eat with them so I am fueled for bath and bedtime.
I start bath time by 6 or 615 pm for both kids – we brush teeth first, then I bathe them and then sit with them while they play until about 640 pm. Then I help them get dressed and we read books together, 1-2 books that they each pick out. This would be better if we read more chapter books for the 5.5 year old, but they both want mom only for bedtime, so it ends up being picture books or books like Mercy Watson or Princess in Black that they both like. Then the older one goes to her room – I spent about 5 minutes solo with the 3.5 year old and do the same for the 5.5 year old. They’re both lights out by 7 to 710 pm. I stick hard to this schedule because they are bears if they dont get enough sleep.
My husband does all the cleaning up while I’m putting them to bed, so we usually have ample free time after 715 pm or so.
Anon says
We have always combined books, even when we’re both home.
After dinner, everyone pitches in for a few minutes of clean up. Kids clear the table/load the dishwasher and we clean counters, pots/pans, put away leftovers.
Before dinner we lay out clothes (kids wear a uniform so this is easy) and pack backpacks. We also do a full family 5 minute tidy each night before dinner to put away toys and whatever else is out.
Then one kid showers and brushes teeth while the other one plays or watches TV and then they swap. If a kids room isn’t clean or they haven’t done their reading time yet, they have to clean their room during this time.
Once everyone is showered, teeth are brushed and in PJs one parent (at this time they say goodnight to the other parent) and both kids climb into one kids bed for story time. Each kid picks one book. Then, kids go to their own rooms and are tucked in by book reading parent.
Non bedtime parent packs lunches and finishes cleaning up.
Major caveat: our kids are independent (especially the oldest!) and rarely if ever drag their feet about the routine. I’d say this is 90% luck and 10% that we’ve been very routine oriented their whole lives and really never deviate so it’s just “how we do things” vs a rule to push back on. Like it’s only ever been one book per kid at bedtime so I don’t think it ever occurred to them to ask for a second or a song.
Anon says
And to add:
– we have solo nights at least once a week. We’ve had this since our first was young (probably around when I stopped BFing) so it’s always been normal for both us and the kids. We really try for family dinner every night but approximately once a week one of us will head out for something social, the gym, etc.
– we occasionally (once a month?) have a week night babysitter and the routine is now so engrained that the kids can do it pretty well without us
– I will 100% own up to being a strict mom. My parenting strategy is probably best summed up as simple or streamlined, strict and fun. Keeping this as simple as possible and with a good routine and kids who understand I’m not playing around about certain things frees up so much mental energy and time for us to have fun doing fun things.
Anonymous says
4.5 and just turned 8. We each take a kid for bedtime if we are both home, but have started more days where one parent handles both and the other has a meeting, activity, etc. We’ll skip the late afternoon. 8 sets the table then both kids usually watch a 20 min show while I finish dinner around 5:40-6. Earlier if I can swing it. Eat dinner, then if the kids are not too tired (which causes fighting) they play from end of dinner to 6:50 if they need a shower or 7/7:10 if not. 8 showers independently but still likes a snuggle after and company putting on pjs. If both parents are home: both kids need company putting on pjs, brushing teeth etc (4.5 needs an adult to squeeze appropriate toothpaste and both kids need an adult administered fluoride tablet). One adult reads to each kid for 20 min or so, often longer for the big kid. We still snuggle with each kid, 4.5 until he’s asleep (5-20 min) and 8 for 15-30 min.
If just one parent is hime, kids do PJs in one room, 8 listens to 4.5’s stories with him and then reads by himself in his room while parent lies down with 4.5. Then parent goes and snuggles 8 for a while. Sometimes we read to him a little more too at that point.
SC says
I have one 7 year old with ADHD. Our routines are pretty hands on as well!
– If it’s a bath night, he takes a bath before dinner. He takes really long baths and likes to play and relax in the bath. We don’t do them every night though.
– We eat dinner relatively late, around 7 pm. Kiddo is on medication for his ADHD, and it suppresses his appetite. It wears off enough around 7 for him to eat something, and even then, he often goes back to his dinner or gets a snack sometime during the bedtime routine, or even after lights out. (He is medically underweight, to the extent his doctor has made noise about a feeding tube, so we take every opportunity to get calories in him.)
– 7:30 – Start bedtime routine. Medication, bathroom (he has to sit for 5 minutes), pajamas, brush teeth. DH handles this part while I do the dishes from dinner. At this point, DH is mostly laying on Kiddo’s bed and reminding him to move through the steps. I’m confident that if we told Kiddo, “go get ready for bed,” he’d just play in his room.
– 8:00 – I read a book to Kiddo.
– 8:30 – Lights out. Lately, Kiddo has been asking for a podcast to listen to before he falls asleep. If we say no to a podcast, he’s still allowed to stay up and read. We recently had a rough patch with anxiety and trouble sleeping, but that seems to be improving over the past week.
SC says
Oh, I completely forgot. We have a new behavior plan at school, and Kiddo’s reward, if he gets a certain percentage of his check marks, is 30 minutes of “bonus time” after dinner. So, if he earns his bonus time, he gets to choose any activity he wants, by himself or with one parent or both of us. Then we start the bedtime routine at 8 and end up with lights out closer to 9.
AwayEmily says
Rather than giving the whole routine I will just tell you what we do that works well with the 1yo/5yo/6yo. Baby goes to bed at 6:30, big kids at 7:30 (tho they often chat til 8).
1) One of us is on duty for making dinner (5 – 5:30) while the other person watches kids. We eat 5:30 – 6 and switch (the person who watched the kids earlier cleans up).
2) We only bathe them all once a week, on Sundays (we used to bathe them more often but they all have super dry skin and our pediatrician recommended cutting back).
3) An incentive: if they do teeth/potty in a timely manner we all get to have “fun time” in their room before bed, which is usually some form of roughhousing.
4) They love sharing a room but sometimes keep each other up. If they are behind on sleep at all, then one of us will lay in their room until they fall asleep (rule is that if they talk, we leave, and they LOVE having us in there so this usually gets them to sleep super fast).
Anon says
I have one kid who is 5. Kid usually gets home around 4:45-5 pm, either with the parent who’s not cooking dinner or with local grandparents, we eat between 5-5:30, then kiddo plays with parents and/or grandparents until 7 pm then has solo play until she decides to go to bed. It might seem unconventional to let her decide her own bedtime but I have a very strong-willed kid and us telling her the precise time at which to go to bed was turning into a huge battle. Most days she plays alone for 30-60 minutes before getting us for the nighttime routine (tooth brushing, bedtime book, bedtime story, tucking in). She’s basically never stayed up past 8:30. Parents are off duty from 7 onward, except for the ~15 minute nighttime routine. We only do baths once or twice a week. On bath nights, the bath mostly replaces parent play time, although we will sometimes push the 7 pm deadline back a bit on bath nights. (My kid can stay in the bath for an hour, easily…she is terrified of showers and not sure how we’re going to make that transition.)
TheElms says
3.5 year old and almost 1 year old ; and we try hard to both be home for dinner/bedtime.
-6pm- home from work
-6-6:30pm – prep dinner
-6:30 – 7pm – eat dinner as a family (and of course no one actually sits for this long but we try). Then we divide and conquer the rest of the bedtime routine
– 1 year old 7-7:30pm — read book, give bottle, change diaper, into pjs, brush teeth, say goodnight to sister and dad, song, crib, lights out about 7:30pm (we generally only do baths once a week in winter because of dry skin)
-3.5 year old 7-8pm — quick bath (every other day or on days we aren’t running behind – we wash hair on weekends), cup of milk, brush teeth, potty, pjs, 2 books, in bed, some video time if everything went well, song, lights out around 8 or 8:15pm
If I have to do both routines myself, I drop the bath and the baby’s book counts as one of the 3.5 year old’s books. And 3.5 year old gets extra video while I do the last part of the baby’s routine so she isn’t running around and being distracting. And it definitely takes until at least 8:15 those nights.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thank you all! These are great to read. Glad my kid is not the only one who needs prodding. We’ve done the baths together before when needed but they are a. too big and kick each other and b. too messy and water ends up everywhere. Books together and then sending older one off to his room for a bit would probably work. I’ll set 12 as my goal for independence ;)
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I love these posts! On most weeknights I usually do the dinner to bed routine on my own…and I’m weirdly ok with that? Caveat we don’t have evening activities.
5:30-5:45 PM – Get home, start warming up and/or assemble dinner
6 PM – Dinner – we do a combo of things that have been made beforehand OR quick stuff like quesadillas
6:30-7 PM – Kids play/run around, I clean up and then join in the play/run around. If I didn’t get to eat during kid dinner – I finish up now. Why yes, I have gobbled noodles over the sink…
7 PM – Head upstairs, undress, pick books
7:10 PM – Bathtime – both kids together
7:30 PM – Book with toddler and DS #1, lights out for DS #2, 1/1 time with DS #1 – DH often gets home around this time and mayhem and wrestling with kids ensues
7:45 PM – Book with DS #1, lights out by 8 PM (usually earlier)
Anonymous says
Most days I cook dinner at 5:30 and it’s on the table by 6. We eat together until 6:30, I take two year old twins upstairs for bath, brush teeth, pjs, book, medicine (one has asthma) and then lights out. DH usually does the dishes while I’m doing that and 6 y/o watches the Simpsons. By then it’s 7PM. 3x a week I supervise the the 6 y/o’s bath or shower (his choice). I normally fold clothes during this time. The other two days we veg or play a game or play Lego til 7:30 bedtime routine. Then we go upstairs for pjs, brush teeth, Kumon, HGH injection and a book. He’s usually out by 8:30 and I make kid lunches for the next day and then sauna and get in bed myself around 9:15. It’s exhausting but I don’t really have a solution: they’re too far apart to do baths together I think? Tips welcome.
GCA says
Great question! My kids are 7.5 and 4.5 so just a smidge older than yours, OP. We don’t do frequent solo nights, but more typically a week here and a week there while one of us travels for work.
When we’re both at home and there are no nighttime extracurriculars: I pick up kids (because I start work early and DH does drop-offs). I leave just before 5, home by 5:30 and then I make dinner. Kids hang out, play or watch videos till dinner around 6:15.
6:45: After dinner, fruit, and treat, we persuade everyone to clean up. Each kid unpacks their backpacks. Kid 1 sweeps under the table, kid 2 picks up her toys, and they tidy their room together. This takes far too long with far too much grumbling and parental supervision. Meanwhile, DH loads dishwasher, washes kid lunchboxes, and wipes down the table and counters. A lot of this happens in parallel with both parents home. With a solo parent, it happens in sequence and everything takes longer.
Somewhere around 7:00 or 7:15, I talk kid 1 into the shower; he then flosses, brushes and bounces around the house till bedtime. Or he reads – it’s up to him. (Homework is all done at aftercare.) While kid 1 is showering, kid 2’s teeth get flossed and brushed and then she has a heavily supervised shower. It takes SO MUCH PERSUADING to get her in*.
7:45: Eventually they settle down for bedtime books (currently reading: Dragon Masters or an interminable Magic Tree House) and Bedtime Math, kid 2’s new favourite app. (Please tell me I don’t have the only child on earth who uses math to try and worm her way out of brushing her teeth.)
8:00 Finally, it is actually time for kids to be in bed. We make kid 1 get into bed at 8 because he persists in getting up at 5:30am to read. Kid 2 says it’s too dark and wants the nightlight on. Kid 1 complains the nightlight is too bright for him to sleep. They need water, tissues, to be patted on the back… kid 2 loses it because she can’t find her triceratops amidst the 22 other stuffies on her bed. I switch on my phone flashlight to look. Kid 1 immediately complains that it’s too bright. I find the triceratops in two seconds and switch off the flashlight. Everyone settles down for the night and I am fairly certain they are fast asleep by 8:30. My children are ridiculous and bedtime is a marathon.
9:00. Parents end the night either finishing work, working out, doing laundry, reading, watching TV or some combination of the above.
*PS – I recently sketched a visual chore chart for kid 2, as recommended by someone here, and I have never seen a kid get in the shower so fast to check it off the list.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Haha yes to bedtime being a marathon at the time I least want it and the “interminable Magic Tree House” – my younger one loves these. Have you tried the Merlin spinoffs of these? Those are slightly longer and more interesting to read.
DLC says
I love seeing different routines too!
I work a lot of evenings so often my Husband does evenings on his own. But the rough outline is usually the same whether it’s both or one parent at home. (Kids are 11, 6, and 3 and they all share a room)
4:15p – pick up kindergartener from bus, come home, start dinner. Our oldest arrives home around 4:45p on a separate bus on her own and our youngest is brought home from daycare by our neighbor around 5:30pm. EVeryone kind of does their won chaos until dinner is ready.
5:30p – dinner (ideally. Sometimes as late as 6pm, if the oldest has a therapy session.)
6:00p – 3 nights a week, the 11 year old has basketball, so Husband takes her. If I’m home, he leaves the little kids at home. If I’m not home he takes the them with him. If I’m home/ if there is no basketball, kids and one parent cleans kitchen. The other parent gets the night off and goes to have “alone time.” All the kids help with clean up, to their ability. Clean up usually takes a looooong time, til 7:00/7:30p or so. If we’re done before 7pm, we’ll often have a walk, or play a game, or family reading time, or once a week the little kids will take a bath – we do not bathe every day – the 6 year old has no interest in showers… I feel like I need to start shifting this, but as long as the 3 year old still is in the bath, it’s just as easy to put both little kids in the bath at the same time. (The 11 year old takes a shower on her own after any practice or game.). If I’m not home, and there is basketball, the kitchen gets left and often I’ll clean it when I get home from work.
7:30p – If Husband is home by himself, then he and the kids watch Golden Girls and have dessert. This is a definite cut off time, so even if the cleaning isn’t done at 7:30pm, it’s still Golden Girls time.
7:45p (8pm on Golden Girls nights) – Start bedtime, supervised by one parent – pjs, brush teeth, bathroom call for all three kids. Then the parent who had the night off joins the bedtime routine to read books to the two little kids while the big kid gets screen time (or sometimes practices piano if hasn’t already). Or sometimes just one parent does books, depending.
8:15pm – lights out for little kids – I usually have to lie down with the 3 year old. Read aloud with 11 year old (usually just my Husband. IfI’m not home this happens later or not at all.)
8:45pm/9pm – big kid goes to bed. (Again if I’m not home, she goes to bed on her own when she’s tired. Since usually by the my husband has fallen asleep on the couch.)
The one thing that has helped a lot this year is that the 11 year old doesn’t have homework anymore. I honestly don’t know how we would fit in homework for the oldest if she needs help with it. I feel like when she goes to middle school next year, things might change a little.
Anonymous says
Has anyone found a mini fridge that can keep bre@stmilk at safe temps? Thanks!
Lily says
Any standard size mini fridge in working order should be fine… breast milk doesn’t need to be kept colder than regular refrigerated food as far as I know.
OP says
That’s right, but I was under the impression that some mini fridges were not as cold as regular fridges (like soda or make up fridges), and I was hoping for a tiny one.
Anon says
Mini fridges don’t get as cold as regular fridges can, but it’s still generally ok to store breastmilk in them. Anything below 40 degrees is safe. I would only worry about it for a preemie or a baby with known health issues, and in that case I’d ask your ped.
So Anon says
I need a gut check, especially from those of you in the corporate world: How long after you are promised a promotion does it take for your company to make that promotion (and pay increase) effective? I’m looking at a best case of 7 months. This seems crazy to me, but is this standard across the corporate world? The financial impact is significant.
Spirograph says
Granted my company is in the middle of some major transition right now, so it’s more like batch promotions than one-offs, but it was about 6 months for our most recent round.
Pogo says
Interesting. For me, once the paperwork goes through, it’s been next pay cycle.
However, when we do something like a planned dev increase for employees, I might start petitioning for it months and months in advance. But I wouldn’t tell them until it was close to being official. I think it’s weird to announce and then not put it through right away – why not just wait to tell you?
Anne-on says
It has very much depended on whether it was an off or on cycle promotion. I’ve worked in very large corporations for a loooong time now but I understand from friends in the Big Tech world that it’s a similar situation there. No clue how it works at small firms. My friends in finance all say that bonuses/raises are hitting in Feb/March with promotions around the same time. In my experience review season would usually start in late Q2 (gather your feedback/do self evaluations/etc.) before people leave for summer breaks. Those are then reviewed and employees are given ratings which are shared with managers. At that point finance/HR/departments wrangle for funds depending on ratings/budgets and numbers communicated in Q4 and the money would hit your account at a specific date (usually ~2 months after you were told what the figure was) in Q1. Off cycle promotions were MUCH faster (and much rarer) and took effect within 2 pay cycles.
Anne-on says
It just occured to me – are they telling you that you’ll be up for promotion during the next review cycle? That was VERY common in my experience BUT also usually linked to your ratings and could/would be delayed if you didn’t get great ratings that cycle.
Anonymous says
My company (tech) does promotions twice a year, so you’d be up in the next cycle. If you are promoted off cycle (e.g., someone leaves and you take the job), the promotion still doesn’t take effect until the next cycle. It’s annoying.
Anon says
Just looking for reassurance that this is all normal, since my younger kid is not following my older’s kid’s behavior patterns at all.
My younger daughter (22 months), who was by all accounts a very easy baby, has been having increasing number of tantrums over the last few months. Even when she doesn’t have an all-out tantrum, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her pretty much all the time (particularly when we get home from daycare). She seems to have literally zero frustration tolerance. She will get upset over some random thing at a meal and throw her plate. Something she has done since she was about 12 months is bang her head when she’s frustrated (on the floor, the wall, me, whatever is close by). Never enough to do serious harm, but it’s stressful. She wants mommy all the time and will often scream if daddy is holding her when she’s in a bad mood (when she’s in a good mood, they get along great).
My older daughter who is now 4 (and going through some difficult behaviors in her own way) didn’t really have any tantrums or behavior like this until she was closer to 3. I don’t remember feeling like I was walking on eggshells around her at this age.
Younger daughter is a delight in many ways and I’m not worried she has any developmental issues. She is extremely social and verbal. But this is a brutal phase and just looking for reassurance that it’s normal for a not-even-2 year old to have daily tantrums/no frustration tolerance and that it will get better!
Anonymous says
I think everything is super normal but is talk to the pediatrician about the head banging.
Anon says
go back and read yesterday’s posts. someone else had a similar post about their similar aged child
Pogo says
yup, was going to say this – read yesterday’s. Very normal, except perhaps the head banging (as mentioned above, check w/ the ped). Mine stomps his feet which is adorable in its own way, minus the screaming that accompanies (this morning: wanted a specific book from upstairs and I couldn’t immediately produce said book). My niece would lay face down on the ground and writhe while tantrumming.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
That was me, and I can say this sounds just like my 2 year old (25 months), down to the headbanging, which peaked and now has mostly gone away.
Anon says
I had a head banger kid. Pediatrician pointed out that kid never actually hurt herself, which was true. And said he wasn’t concerned. It’s more common than you realize.
Anon says
Seems very normal. I have a 21-month-old and it is peak time to start asserting independence and wanting to be involved in things (eg, he doesn’t take kindly to having a sandwich made for him, he wants to makes the sandwich himself!) Tantrums are communication. Even verbal kids that age can’t *really* express themselves. It makes perfect sense it happens more at the end of the day when everyone is tired, hungry and wants connection.
Probably it will get better, though my 7 and 5 years olds are often still like this! I’ve been blessed with spicy kids…they’ve hardly been “easy” for a second of their lives, lol.
So Anon says
From what I have seen, totally normal for that age to have zero ability to handle frustration and lots of tantrums. Our pediatrician would remind us that it wasn’t “terrible twos” as in 24-36 months, but the second year, which is exactly where you are.
Anon says
I think OP’s kid’s behavior is probably nothing to worry about, but most people I know found age 2 (and even age 3) much more difficult than the 12-24 month age range when it comes to tantrums, etc. At that age they’re often pretty easy to distract.
Travel while nursing says
Advice on best container to bring back pumped milk from a multi-day trip? Will be going through airport. I can’t do Milkstork for various reasons.
Pogo says
I always used a PackIt cooler of some kind, though women in my company have been raving about the Ceres Chill.
W/ the Packit – I put my pumped milk into bags each day and froze if at all possible. Then I would put the frozen milk into the frozen Packit for the trip home. I successfully brought back 80+oz this way one time.
The Ceres Chill looks interesting but you’d need a bunch of them for a multiday trip.
I always packed everything together in my pumping bag which does not count towards baggage allowance as it is a medical device. Just give TSA a heads up. They may swab the outside of your milk and/or your hands, but never had any other issues.
Isabella says
Survey question: when do you head out the door, and how has that changed over time? I’m dipping my toe into Laura VanderKamp’s content, well aware that other posters here find her sometimes out of touch. But I was surprised at the idea of a morning at home lasting until 8:45. I think the only time I’ve ever had that was living in a dorm on a small college campus and during pandemic lockdown. Otherwise, I have always had to leave home before 7. Have I just had exceptionally long commutes?
Spirograph says
It’s definitely changed for me. I used to head out before 7 (before kids, fed gov = early culture, long commute). Now I usually leave around 8:15 ish and get to the office around 8:45 after dropping off my kids at school. My office has a late culture and I work with a lot of people on the west coast, so I have zero desire to start my day earlier because the end time is never, ever respected.
FVNC says
I work from home so this may not be helpful. But I wanted to comment because our elementary school doesn’t start until 9:15 (with bus pick up at ~9am). So, if my kids didn’t go to before-school care (for which we leave between 7:50-8 am), our “out the door time” would be 8:55 am to meet the bus. If Laura’s kids have a similarly late school start time, the 8:45 departure time makes sense.
Anon says
I used to leave at 7 and have never ever left as late as 8:45. I prefer to start work early and end it early. As an aside, I loved Laura Vanderkam’s new book, Tranquility by Tuesday. Her tips and style work for what I’m trying to achieve in life – a growth mindset when it comes to personal happiness, more quality leisure time, better memories, and more peace at home. Highly recommend.
Anonymous says
Maybe? DC area. Prekids my drive commute was 10-15 minutes, so I left around 8:50AM at the latest, but around 8:30 if metroing. With kids to daycare changed that to 8AM departure. Now my kids have to be at school at 8:30 so we leave around 8:15 at latest for a bike/walk commute, and I either jump on metro or go back home to work. I would say all morning departures for the last ten years or so have been between 8-9AM, with or without kids. My kids are early birds but I dismissed the idea of a camp that had pickup at 7:30AM because I just did not want to force us out the door that earlier- I like having plenty of time in the morning.
Anon says
I could not leave home by 7, I’m a night owl. Pre-kid I had a big corporate job but it was “a late nights and late mornings” kind of place and I lived close to work so I usually left around 9-9:30 and got to work 15-20 minutes later. Now I live in a small college town and work remotely, daycare is on site at the university and about 15 minutes away from our house. My professor husband does more of the daycare drop offs, but we usually drop off between 9 and 10 am. In the winter, our 5 year old often sleeps until 8:15 or 8:30. Having to get her to kindergarten by 8:30 is going to be a big adjustment for both her and me, even though elementary school is a lot closer to house than daycare is.
Cb says
When we were both working in the office and my son was in nursery, we’d leave at 7:10 for the 7:20 bus, putting my husband at work by 8. Kiddo and I would chill in a cafe til nursery opened or go race cars down the ramp of a cathedral.
Now we’ve moved, husband WFH most of the time (but still starts at 8) and I work in another city half the week. But when we’re home, we need to be out at 7:30 for 8am aftercare, putting us home at 8:20 (we cycle so it’s quicker back than there). School starts at 8:55 so I have to remind myself this when I note my son’s bedtime is a full hour earlier than his pals (two working parents, use of daily wraparound care, etc is not the norm in our current community.
Anonymous says
I work for an arts organization whose official office hours are 10-6. I do 9:30-5:30 because I have to get out the door at 8:15 to walk my son to school (it is a 5 min walk). My actual commute is about an hour door to door, so I get home around 6:30.
anon says
We are a rare dual parent wfh even before the pandemic. 2.5 yo is usually dropped off at preschool between 8-8:30 which is about 10 minutes away from the house and picked up around 4. Husband technically works 7-4 and I technically work 8-5. Neither of us have butts in seats managers so those times are fluid.
Most morning kid wakes up between 6:30 and 7:30 so we can have close to 2 hours entertaining him in the mornings which is an exhausting start tbh.
DLC says
I head out at 8:50 to drive school carpool for my kindergartener. (My ten year old gets herself to the bus at 8:45 and a neighbor takes our three year old to walking distance daycare at 8am). But I also work 9:30- 7pm. (And remember LV works for herself so does not have anyone demanding her butt in an office chair at a specific time. My guess is that if she did she would lean more on her nanny or before care) .
I do feel like our mornings are luxuriously/endlessly long.
SC says
I recently changed jobs. At the previous job, I headed out the door at 8:45, even 9, maybe 9:30 on Fridays, and had a very short commute.
I’m WFH now, but my company starts very early. I start receiving emails at 7, and meetings as early as 8 are considered normal. Things do quiet down in the afternoons though.
Our alarm goes off at 6:30, and we get up around 6:50 or 7. That gives me just enough time to shower and dress and get a quick breakfast. I’m missing my hour to call my mom, sit down for coffee and breakfast, and unload the dishwasher. Yes, I could get up earlier, but I’ve been falling asleep at 9:30 and waking up exhausted. Once I get settled into the new job, I’ll probably have more energy to develop a new morning routine.
Anonymous says
In our house, no one, not even our 3.5 year old, is up at 7:00. Currently, we get out of the house between 8:35-8:45 am. Ideally we’d leave no later than 8:30, but no one is at my or my husband’s office until 9:00 at the earliest, so there is not a huge incentive to push it to earlier. Alarm goes off at 7:15 for all of us and we have come to realize that our child both really enjoys sleeping and really, really just loves his bed and never fights us on getting in it at nighttime, only in the morning because he doesn’t want to get out… when we have lazy weekend mornings he wakes up around 7:45 and will lay in his bed until like 8:15/8:30. I hesitate to even bring this up in person with people I know because my child seems to be an anomaly in this regard. We’re on the east coast and both have jobs that somewhat follow NY commercial banking hours (but not in NY area). To me, this is 10-7:00 hours.
Pre kiddo, we were up at about the same time, but got out the door a little earlier and work earlier because we didn’t have to do daycare drop off. I dread starting real school/kindergarten where we will definitely have to be awake earlier!
Mary Moo Cow says
Both my kids are now in elementary school. Kids and I leave by 7:40 for 7:50-7:55 drop off (bell rings at 8 a.m.) and then I drive to work with a goal of being there at 8:15 so I can leave at 4:45 and beat a little traffic and be home at 5:25. When one or both was in daycare, daycare drop off was anytime before 9 am, we usually left home at 8:40 and arrived at 8:50, so I wasn’t getting to work until 9:15.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I go in two days a week now, and WFH the other days. Husband works almost entirely from home, so he is able to do at least the bus drop off, if not both, when I go in. For office days, I leave the house at 7:30-7:40, depending on the train I want to catch and whether I’m dropping off younger kiddo at daycare. I start work at 8:30-9 those days. When I WFH, start time ends up being earlier.
Pre Covid, I used to do all of the daycare drop offs for two kids, and we’d leave the house at 7:15/7:20.
Anon says
I used to leave my apartment at 8:40 for a 20 minute walk to my office when I lived in center city Philly pre-kids.
NYCer says
On days I go to my office, I am out the door around 8:30 or 8:45 am.
EP-er says
Prepandemic, I was usually out the door at 5:15 AM three days/week! And then 7ish the other two. 6 AM global meetings were common, with HQ expected in the room…Husband wouldn’t leave until 9 when the kids were out the door. I would try to be home by 4, kids got home at 4:10.
These days I am mostly WFH, so calls happen when they happen. I am usually up at 6 with my high schooler & check mail/chat with him until he leaves at 6:45. Then I try for a run and start work. We have one of those late start elementary schools, so youngest is out the door just before 9. If I have to go in, I leave at 6:45 also.
Anne-on says
I’m the outlier who has been WFH full time since 2011 (though there used to be more travel involved). My AM routine pre-kids was much more leisurely – wake up at 7/7:30, have breakfast, do morning calls, work out mid-morning or do errands over lunch, and then work till my husband came home around 6/6:30. We’d both usually hit the gym again and then have a late (8ish) dinner. Now my kid is late elementary age and I try to be out of the house by 7:45 to drop him at school for an 8:15 start (he likes getting in early for ‘free time’ on his school learning apps). Daycare was easier as we aimed to drop off between 8/8:30 but anytime before 9 was fine.
I was also lamenting to my husband that I miss regular calls! I literally NEVER had to be on camera until easily 2016 and even then it was maybe 20% of my calls, not EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. Previously I would be fine taking a call in PJs/wet hair/listening in on mute during a drive because we were all off camera!
Anon says
I’ve just started not turning my video on. People probably think it’s weird but whatever, I’m not going to get fired over it. And actually after I started, a few other people have copied me so now our meetings are about half and half. Video calls feel so invasive to me in a way that phone calls and in-person meetings don’t.
Anonymous says
Omg before 7?! I’ve always had professional jobs that start at 9ish, leaving home at 7:45, when I had an hour + commute, 8:15, half an hour, and never, work from home.
Anon says
This is fascinating to me. I work 8-5, so leave at 7:20 for daycare drop off and my short commute. Pre-kids it was 7:30-5, but I had to formally change it since daycare opens at 7:30. My husband works 7:00 – 4:45 so he can do pick up around 5:15. 8-5 seems very normal, most of my kids’ classmates seem to be dropped off before 8/8:30 and picked up after 5. I’m assuming this is both location and industry dependent?
Isabella says
Wow. I checked with my mom to confirm my memories. She usually had to get up at 5, for a 7:15/7:30 elementary school bus, and then when I started going to a magnet school, we were out the door at 5:40 for a 6:10 public transit connection. My cousins usually had before-school extra curriculars, so they normalized it. And in my working life I’ve always had strict start times anywhere from 5 am to 7:30. Daycare drop-off is 7 am now, but I guess I better start looking into wrap-around care for the school years!
Anonymous says
Okay, I’m the poster where no one wakes up until 7:15… I have so many questions- what sort of industry are you in that there is a start time of 5:30 am, or even 7 am? Do you work across significant time zones (more than 2?)? What kinds of extra curricular activities occur before school?
Anon says
Yeah the only people I know who *have* to start work before 8 are blue collar workers who generally have a lot less flexibility than white collar employees. And they mostly don’t have crazy hours, e.g., if you start at 7 you’re off at 3.
Spirograph says
I had strict start times when I did work that involved shift coverage (I’m not in health care, but health care providers are the best example I can think of). If I didn’t show up, the person I was supposed to be relieving couldn’t leave, so being even a little bit late for the pass-down was a huge faux pas.
The elementary school start thing is interesting to me. I’m in MoCo and my kids’ elementary school starts at 9. Colleagues in NoVA have a schedule similar to what Isabelle described where the elementary kids need to catch the bus at 7. My kids also aren’t awake by then!
Ice hockey and rowing are common before-school extracurriculars (although I don’t know of any elementary-age rowing clubs)
Isabella says
My 5 am start was an outlier, working a customer service job during grad school. Otherwise, just office jobs with early core hours. DH is a lawyer who misses meetings if he’s not in the office before 8. It never occurred to me these were unusual hours to keep!
My cousins had religious education before school, and a few friends did morning sports, and I distinctly remember having no sympathy for their schedules during the years I had a crazy school commute!
DLC says
My husband works in for local government and he works 7am – 3:30pm, in the office. He gets up at 5:45a, leaves for work at 6:45am.
We do a 7:15am piano lesson for my kid, and I know a lot of families with kids who do morning sports, mostly swimming. I actually love the morning piano lesson – so much easier than trying to fit it in during the evening chaos.
Seafinch says
I am in the army and only leave at 0745! Like you, my kids mostly sleep late. they love to sleep and go to bed at 8:30 together (the 9, 7, and 4 year old). The nine year old is an early bird and gets up on his own anywhere between 0630-0730 to watch TV. the other two frequently sleep past 0800. On office days we leave to drop the 12 year old off at school at 0745, I am in the office for 0815 but frequently leave at 1530, 1600 at the latest. Kids leave for school on foot at 0845 in winter because it takes longer, or 0900 on bikes in fine weather for a 0915 start. 7 year old starts a new school next week with an hour earlier start time so that will be an adjustment but our next door neighbours go so it’s not totally unfamiliar.
Anonymous says
When I worked in law in Washington DC our office opened at 9 (general butt in seat expectation 9-7). I had no kids and a walking commute and would leave my house at 8:40. Similarly I worked a non profit job in that area that had 9-5 office hours – I had a longer commute so left around 8.
Now I live in another city where default office hours start at 8, not just at my org but everywhere. Pre Covid if commuting I would leave before 7:30- used to leave 7:20 to do a 7:30 daycare drop off and would still be late.
Now my office is hybrid so I still need to be working around 8, but if I go in I typically don’t drive until after rush hour. Honestly I often have meetings at 7:30 and sometimes as early as 7 which I think is totally unacceptable- it’s the equivalent of having a 10 pm meeting!
Anonymous says
My whole career I have either had to or chosen to be at work before 7, leaving home by anywhere from 5:30-6:45 depending on commute. Now I work from home, but in a different time zone to my colleagues. I start at 6 so I’m matching their core hours. Its nice because I either have lots of time to work if I’m busy (without having to work after dinner which I hate), or I can reasonably stop mid-afternoon and spend time with my daughter.
Pogo says
I don’t even have a long commute and I never leave after 8am. Ideally like 7:15, but usually around about 7:40. I think my office skews quite early, but you definitely need to be online and/or butt in seat by 8am at the latest.
Anonymous says
I have never had a start time later than 8:30, so even when I was single and lived relatively close to the office I had to leave by 8:00 to allow time to get in the car, drive, park, walk into the building, etc. and be logged in by 8:30. The latest school start times I’ve ever seen are 8:45 for public middle/high school and 9:00 for part-time preschool, but again you have to leave plenty of time to load the car, wait in the drop-off line, get the kids into the building, etc. so I don’t know how you could possibly leave later than 8:15 even with a 10-minute drive. I suppose a lawyer in a firm with a culture of late arrivals and a kid home with a nanny might be able to get away with leaving later?
Anon says
The drop off line takes time but 30-45 minutes sounds like a long time to me. We’re only a 5 minute drive from school but we start getting in the car 15 minutes before we have to be at school. I load any stuff that needs to be loaded the night before.
Anonymous says
For us the drop-off line takes longer the closer you are to the first bell, and then the kids have to get to their classrooms before the bell. The line backs up into the street. If you arrive at school less than 15 minutes before the bell there is a good chance they will be late. Not the kind of stress I want to start the day with.
Kindergarten says
This is going to sound really silly but – what factors were important to you in picking a kindergarten for your kiddo? We are in an area where we have several options for elementary school. I’m leaning toward the neighborhood public school, but they don’t have pre-K and I have heard they don’t have great aftercare (mostly doing things like watching movies in the gym, etc.)
I toured a fairly close and reasonably priced private school that has some pros and quite a few cons as well. There are a few other options in our areas as well. But I have no idea how to compare any of them to the public school as I’ve never been inside.
Are tours of public schools a thing you can do? If I were to call the school to get information, what questions should I even ask?
I’m not sure why this feels so hard.
Anon says
Tours of public school are a thing in my area, but I think talking to other parents is likely to be a lot more informative than a tour.
I didn’t have to make the choice (there are no secular private schools in my city and DH and I were not open to the Christian schools for a variety of reasons), but I don’t think I’d worry at all about the school not having a Pre-K. It’s easy at that age to make friends, and everyone will be new to the school in kindergarten. Bad aftercare would be a factor for me, but I’d look into what other options exist. Our public schools have terrible aftercare on site but there are a few off-site options that are better and they pick the kids up from school.
Anonymous says
My kid’s not old enough for this yet, but I think we’re going to be facing the same decision in a couple years. At least in my area, it’s not uncommon for people to send their kids to a private school for 4k and kindergarten, because the private schools have full day 4K with good aftercare, and there’s good aftercare for kindergarten, too. IF a neighborhood public school has 4K, it’s only half day, and the district recently cut aftercare due to staffing. There are more non-school options for aftercare starting at 6-7 years old, so many people switch their kids to public schools for 1st grade.
Anon says
Aftercare has been a godsend, Idon’t know how two working parents do it otherwise. Ours does playground time, art projects, quiet reading, and ‘choice time’ – so, not terribly fancy but the kid’s already had a full day of school by the time he gets there, so that’s fine.
I’m not comfortable with private school for personal reasons unless there were a safety issue or my kid had a particular need (and I don’t see ‘leg up on admission to an Ivy’ as a particular need.) Personal choice, though, I know people weigh school choices differently. For me, it’s super important that my kids go to school with kids with disabilities, kids at different income levels, etc.
We did a tour of the public school options and picked the one that was closest and offered bus service.
Anonymous says
Lolz. None of our public schools offer aftercare so I had to get off my high horse and go private.
Anon says
Aftercare doesn’t need to be academic, in fact (IMO) it shouldn’t be academic, but I wouldn’t want my kids watching screens every day. They get enough of that at home. What you have – playground, art, free choice play – sounds great, but that’s not what OP is describing.
GCA says
I think we have similar values re public school, and I feel lucky to live where there are a lot of decent aftercare options for working- and middle-class working parents. kid 1 goes to the neighborhood school and kid 2 will go there in fall.
On the aftercare front for OP: is onsite aftercare your only option? in our system, there is a bit of a space crunch for onsite aftercare spots, but there are other programs serving the area – some people send their kids to the local Y for aftercare and kids are bused there.
OP says
I haven’t had much luck finding other aftercare options, but I will look into it more. My oldest barely misses the kindergarten cutoff (which is fairly early where we are), so we have this awkward year where I worry he will be bored at daycare. But doing private school for a year and then switching is worth looking into.
Anon says
“Bored at daycare” is not really a thing unless your daycare is very academic and drilling kids on subject matter he already knows. If the daycare is play-based and encourages free play, outdoor play, pretend play and arts and crafts, a 5 year old should be perfectly happy there.
GCA says
I think that’s pretty common – my second is an early August kid (within cutoff) and two of her close friends are September and October babies (so they miss their district cutoffs); besties are going to K1 at private school for a year – just for a change of scene, really, so they’re not repeating the daycare pre-K program! – and will likely switch back to public K the following year.
Here’s a thought: do you know other families in the same situation and going to the same school? Could you collectively DIY your own aftercare sitter who will take 2 or 3 kids to the playground, do crafts and Legos, etc? Could be a good gig for a college student.
OP says
It’s not really academic boredom that I’m worried about. He’s in a mixed-age class and he is already the second oldest in the class. (The only older child will start kindergarten this fall.) So I do think the boredom risk is real.
EDAnon says
Mine was nearly 6 when he left daycare and he was bored. It was play based and they were awesome about trying to engage him on new stuff, but he was in the same classroom for nearly three years. Even the rotated toys were old to him and the kids were all a lot younger due to the ways birthdays worked out.
Anon says
I don’t think boredom is a huge concern in a play-based program just because he’s the oldest. My almost 5 year old is in a mixed age classroom consisting of kids who turned 3 just a few days before the August cutoff to redshirted kids who will 6 the summer before K, so there’s almost a 3 year age gap between the youngest and the oldest. The beginning of the year can be kind of challenging for the young 3s because the other kids are so far ahead at communication, social skills, etc. But by mid-year they’re all playing together really well. My daughter’s best friend is a red-shirted late spring birthday currently doing his third year in the classroom and he doesn’t seem bored at all. He and my daughter have a little crew of kids at daycare that includes 3, 4, 5 and this soon to be 6 year old. I think you might be surprised by how little a gap of a year or two matters at this age.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
My older one misses the cutoff by a few months, so he’s in private kindergarten this year and will do public K next year. We’re zoned to a solid elementary, but we submitted for the lottery in our district and have a preference for another elementary school, which is equal distance from the house as our zoned school (<1 mile!). We've toured multiple public schools to get a flavor for the environment, and our neighbors send their kid to our preferred elementary.
After care at our local elementary schools seems pretty widely available and robust – I do understand that sign up has to happen quickly but I haven't yet heard of anyone being locked out. Major U.S. city, lots of working parents.
My advice is start following the schools PTO/PTAs and emailing the leadership re information, tours, etc. Also talk to neighbors or parent friends that have kids at the local schools. My teacher friends all agreed – test scores are not indicative of school effectiveness for K-5, and to focus on teacher retention, PTO/A engagement, diversity, and the general vibe of the school – do folks seem happy to be there? How is the school environment itself? Would it be a fit for you kid? Now usually, schools that have things like teacher retention, PTO/A engagement, etc. – tend to do well on any testing…
OP says
Interesting, thanks for this. my oldest also misses the cutoff, in his case only by a couple weeks, which is why I was hoping for a pre-K option. He will be 6 before he can even start kindergarten, which feels weird to me. I worry he’ll be bored at daycare. I hadn’t considered private school for a year and then switching, but maybe that would work.
anon says
As far as I know, my local public schools don’t do tours the way private schools do. The way I’ve found to learn more and get a tour is to go to events for parents of entering students.
These events are usually held months after they’d be helpful for parents considering whether to chose public or private because the schools are focused on the kids at the school, not on competing with other options. No one checks if you actually have a child who will be entering the school, so you can go a year or two before the year you’d be applying to private school.
Pogo says
We picked our public school because our district is solid (that’s why we bought here) and speaking with other parents, the local elementary is totally fine. Like others I appreciate the diversity, and after years of paying FT daycare rates, I was looking forward to benefitting from our steep tax bill (if we didn’t want to send our kid to public school, we’d just buy in NH and save ourselves $$$$).
Our aftercare is super low key and I like it that way. Yesterday they spent 90 minutes out in the snow. Other days my son has spent hours building Legos with friends. When the weather is warm, they spend most of the time on the playground. It is really helpful for my high energy kiddo.
OP says
I would love a low key option. My issue is really with the screen time- I try to save that for when I need a few minutes at home and don’t love the idea of them getting extra screen time when I’m paying for care. But maybe it’s worth it if the school is otherwise preferable.
Seafinch says
Our situation was unusual so probably not helpful but since we always have an Au Pair, aftercare didn’t matter. The biggest selling features for our school were the ratio of French instruction (immersion is extremely common in Canada and I have quite particular opinions on how it should be done which go against the majority grain), the late start time of 0915 which made mornings super relaxed, and the super small size which is really intimate. We have lots of walkable options but we also wouldn’t have considered anything they couldn’t walk to alone by age 6 or so.
Anonymous says
In the States a 6-year-old would not be released from the school building to walk home alone. In our district they have to be signed out by a parent or met at the bus stop until 6th grade.
Anon says
It’s 4th grade here, but yeah I can’t imagine any school in the US letting a 6 year old walk home alone.
Anon says
True, thou I think it’s sad! Why can’t an elementary school kid walk home without an adult? Seems silly to me.
Anon says
I dunno, 6 seems really young to me to walk a mile or more alone, cross busy streets, etc., and I feel like I skew pretty free range as a parent. But I agree by second or third grade most kids could walk home. Sixth grade is definitely absurd. We have a K-3 school and a 4-6 school in our district, so it kind of makes sense to me that it’s not allowed at the younger school and is allowed at the older one. If nothing else it’s logistically easier to treat all the kids at the school the same.
EDAnon says
My school district will release a 6yo to walk home. The school is very much in a neighborhood and lots of kids walk alone.
Seafinch says
That’s the situation here. Our school is 900 metres/ 0.62 miles away (the other three elementary schools we could have chosen are comparable, one is 700 metres, two others are about 1,5 km). (It’s a crazy historical anomaly unique to this city that there are four difference school boards and each has a school in our neighbourhood). So all options are under a mile. It’s an exclusively residential neighbourhood and my kids make one single turn and cross one road (it’s an L shaped route). It’s totally fine and great for them. There are older kids and lots of retirees walking dogs.
Anon says
My birthday is coming up and I’m thinking of asking for a night alone at a local hotel. I’d go to the spa, get room service, read a book in peace, etc. Has anyone done this before? It sounds dreamy but I also worry that I’d get bored or lonely with that much solo time. I’m naturally introverted and dying for a break from my two young children but I haven’t had so much time away in years and I worry that I wouldn’t know what to do with it, if that makes sense?
Cb says
Oh I think that sounds lovely! I’d book in a yoga class or something so you get a little bit of interaction with the outside world. Or drinks with a friend.
DLC says
What if you went with a friend? I took a weekend away with a friend and we went to the spa, ate lots of cheese, read books in the park, and watched rom coms and it was delightful.
Anne-on says
I literally just did this for my birthday this past fall! I did 2 nights – 1 night solo and 1 night with my husband/son. I have also done 2 nights solo without them in the past for birthdays/solo vacations which have always been wonderful. It was SO worth it – I left right after school drop off, got to my hotel around 10:30, dropped my bags and had lunch/went shopping and then went to a spa for about 3 hours. I then leisurely walked back to my hotel, did a bit of shopping (I always forgot stores are open until 7/8 in the city) and had dinner in the room. I then washed up and watched a movie till I fell asleep like a starfish on the big hotel bed. Heaven.
If it helps with guilt my husband has also done solo or group vacations without my son and I – time to recharge is amazing for everyone!
Lily says
I don’t see how you could really get bored or lonely for 24 hours! Especially if you’re an introvert. I’m an extrovert and 24 hours alone, especially with a spa treatment, good book, room service, netflix/TV, would be wonderful! I think you are overthinking this.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
Do it!! I haven’t done this exact thing, mainly because there are no nice hotels in my area, but I took a trip last year with just my mom and it was incredibly restorative. My mom and I get along great, but we’re both introverts and we were on a boat with limited activities, so I spent a LOT of time alone and read a book a day. I did not even come close to getting bored or lonely and the trip was 8 days.
Anonymous says
It’s literally not even 24 hours book it today
Anonymous says
I travel alone for work, which is not quite the same, but I can assure you that you will not be lonely ordering room service and reading a book all evening.
Anon says
maybe in like two weeks you’d get bored/lonely, but i dont see how that would happen in only 24 hours. sounds glorious to me
Anon says
Yeah, I think if you get bored or lonely in less than 24 hours you can’t really call yourself an introvert.
octagon says
I did it and I had the same worries – and it was glorious. I let myself feel a little uncomfortable and unmoored, and then tried to reflect on what I missed about my pre-kid life. I sat at a bar and ate a delicious dinner by myself. I went to the spa for HOURS, including reading a book in the lounge between treatments. I was gone for two nights — the first night involved long, uninterrupted sleep and then by the second night my brain was actually ready to relax, if that makes sense. By the time I went home, I legit missed my kid, and I was recharged and ready to rejoin my life.
anon says
I do this every year since having a kid. I am a summer birthday so I sit by the pool reading, get a massage, and then go to a nearby steakhouse for a long dinner with wine, steak, dessert and no screaming child.
Worth every penny
anonM says
Bring a melatonin and a sound machine (or app) and then I think you’ll enjoy it and get good rest.
Anonymous says
Yes!!!! I did it in march 2021 after being with my family 24/7 for a year and it was AMAZING!!! I didn’t do any fancy treatments or anything. Took a long walk, got tacos, ate potato chips with champagne by myself. The quiet was unbelievable!!! (Besides having two small kids with no childcare that year 2020-2021, my job is in healthcare administration and was 10-13 hours of virtual meetings per day much of that time.)
NYCer says
I will be the outlier and say that I have zero interest in going to a hotel by myself. Especially a local hotel. I would gladly take a quick child free getaway out of the city with my husband or a friend though!
NYCer says
Ps- I like alone time in general and get plenty of it at home. So maybe my feelings would be different if that wasn’t the case.
Anne-on says
I think it’s a personal preference thing. My husband does NOT understand how I could possibly enjoy an entire weekend alone but I am practically counting down the weekends till he and my son have their annual father/son ski trip with a few other families. He keeps trying to encourage me to ‘tag along!’ or ‘organize something with the other moms!’. Nope. The couch, kindle, and cats are all I need!
DLC says
My Husband is like this. I’ve often suggested that he take some time to himself (he’s the primary parent) and he always says, “But it would be too quiet and I would miss you all too much.”
Pogo says
I did it for mother’s day a couple years ago – I did get a bit bored, tbh, but I also listened to a ton of podcasts, did yoga, did a face mask, went for a walk, slept a lot, got a massage, and read.
Spirograph says
My birthday is also coming up and I had not thought of this, but now that you mention it…
Anon says
I’d like the alone time, but I don’t want to spend it on my couch. If you’re worried you’ll be bored, why not plan a few things to make the most of the time? Going to a museum, walking to a new park, going on a solo mountain bike ride, or trying a new bakery on your own would all be more interesting/special than veg time, which is never as restorative as we think it will be.
Anon says
I love to travel by myself and have started planning an annual vacation for just me (I like travel a lot more than my DH does, so he doesn’t object to this), but I wouldn’t have much interest in going a local hotel. It feels like a waste of money to me. If I’m spending money on a hotel, I want to go somewhere! If the main draw is the spa part, I’d rather just have a spa day and save the hotel $$.