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Anonymous says
How are you handling long flights with newly potty trained kids? I sort of assumed I’d use an overnight diaper just for the plane ride, but now that the trip is coming up I’m worried doing that will set us back on all the progress we’ve made with training. Should we just try to take him to the bathroom as frequently as we can and bring lots of changes of clothes?
AwayEmily says
We had a concept called “travel diapers” for long car or plane trips in the newly-potty-trained stage. We got a different/unfamiliar brand of pullups and matter-of-factly told them “these are special travel diapers, you use them only for long trips!” Kids did not question it and it did not seem to affect training.
GCA says
This! For shorter car trips we also stashed the Potette travel potty in the trunk and occasionally popped it out by the roadside on back roads.
Anon says
+1 – I’d just put a pull-up on and take potty breaks as needed. We didn’t buy a different brand of pull-up, not a bad idea!
We’re going on a 3 hour road trip over memorial day weekend, and then have flights this summer, and this is my plan with my 3.5 year old.
My oldest didn’t take any flights from roughly ages 2-4.25 (COVID years), and I still put him in a pull-up at 4.25 on a flight just in case. I also made him wear a pull-up at age 5 when we took a long-haul flight to Asia because he was only recently staying dry through the night. Once we were on ground and back to underwear, he was fine.
Anon says
I stuck my kid in a 360 diaper for accidents but still did the normal potty routine (I feel like pull ups are useless for catching the pee but helpful as “not diapers”). Had one accident on the round trip, but no regression.
Anon says
I don’t think wearing a diaper in that situation would set back potty training, but the kid might resist wearing one or want to go to the toilet anyway.
Fwiw, my kid was fairly scared of public toilets but was completely fine with airplane toilets. In fact the first time she used the bathroom outside our house was on a plane. They’re smaller and quieter and don’t normally have automatic flush, so they’re not as intimidating as conventional public toilets.
Cornellian says
Also, trying to change a toddler in an airplane bathroom is 10x worse than going to the potty with them every hour, in my memory.
Anonymous says
+1
Anony says
We just did this. My child is not night trained, so we explained it as “we use sleep diapers for airplanes.” We took him to the bathroom right before boarding and it was all fine, I think he might have gone once but it wasn’t heavy on the other side. I really hate going to the bathroom on airplanes and will take other downsides to avoid doing it, but there wasn’t any problem; I think even little kids get that travel days are not like normal days.
Anonymous says
If you don’t use diapers, set a reminder to have your child go at about the last possible moment before the fasten seatbelt sign goes on before landing. It can be a long time without be able to get up to go. My daughter is 8 and we still do this after a particularly uncomfortable wait for a gate to open up.
Anonymous says
We used pull-ups on the outside of underwear. We did not use pull-ups at all except for scenarios like this, or when I had a kid that really didn’t want to be in diapers anymore but was still having trouble at night and i got sick of midnight laundry.
Anonymous says
If the flight is 4 hours if probably try to go potty before, during and after the plane ride. If it’s 12 hours, I’d just treat it like bed time and have him in a nighttime diaper.
Anon says
We used pull-ups for this situation, but with the expectation that they were supposed to be treated like underwear and were just for the emergency situation where a kid desperately had to go during takeoff. We’d take the kids to pee before and after the flight (and during if needed) just like we would normally and to my recollection never had a kid have an accident.
The first flight with newly potty-trained kids was me flying alone with two 27-month-olds, so there was no way I wanted to deal with potential accidents that required changing clothes, thus the pull-up solution.
What’s the verdict on juice? says
DS is almost 4 and has never had fruit juice. Is there a benefit to giving him juice? It seems to me like the cons outweigh the pros on juice, but every kid I know drinks juice so I may be wrong. He doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables so would juice be a way to introduce him to those flavors? He drinks water and milk and usually stays pretty hydrated. Don’t want to give up milk because he drinks whole milk still and he is a picky eater so it is a good source of calories.
Anon says
He won’t eat any fruit at all? I would introduce an apple sauce pouch (or other fruit pouches) before introducing juice. At least there’s some fiber. If he’s a picky eater introducing juice may make him even less likely to eat (vs drink) his calories.
FWIW – my 1.5 and 3.5-year-olds don’t drink juice and I don’t really know any parents who serve juice to their kids.
Cb says
Agreed. Try the pouches.
We do juice at a restaurant, or if it’s really hot (a thick juice and a crack of salt works better for dehydration than the dehydration fluid). But we don’t typically have store-bought juice at home, we’ll squeeze oranges or make a smoothie with frozen fruit and oat milk, which I appreciate is a bit of snobbery/privelege. My son is shocked by his classmates with their Ribena or Prime drinks en route to school.
GCA says
I remember drinking a fair bit of Ribena growing up, the 80s ‘vitamin C’ marketing was very effective!
We don’t have juice in the house regularly, it’s used for parties and to entice kids to drink when it’s very hot. And I consider myself fairly relaxed about what goes in our family’s diet.
Anonymous says
+1 there’s no benefit that I know of to juice itself, unless your kid won’t drink enough liquids to stay hydrated otherwise. But if you’re having trouble with fruits in general, maybe thin smoothies would be a good way to encourage more of them?
busybee says
I honestly don’t see a benefit of juice. We don’t do juice except if it’s at a birthday party or something. My MIL is the only person I know who still thinks juice is an integral part of a child’s diet.
Anon says
Your MIL and my DH who religiously serves OJ in the morning! Drives me nuts because kids expect it.
Vicky Austin says
My mom does. She keeps encouraging me to wean DS that last little bit from breastmilk by replacing it with apple juice. And then she gets offended when I say juice isn’t recommended for that anymore.
Anon says
I answered below — but I have 2 kids and a DH who drink it daily! None of them have cavities, and they all eat a huge variety of fruits and vegetables!! We consider it part of the shopping list with milk — this thread has been eye opening to me!! I’m also laughing at the number of neighborhood kids who apparently must think my kids are living the high life because I always offer OJ as an option with milk or water.
Anon says
There’s no benefit to juice, it’s basically sugar water. If he’s 4 he’ll be introduced to juice soon enough at parties, play dates or activities, but I wouldn’t make any special effort to introduce it at home.
Anonymous says
That’s simply not true. There are still vitamins and nutrients in juice.
Anonymous says
Our pediatrician (and others at different practices my mom friends go to all across the country) say that there is zero benefit to juice and to not give it to kids at all (to the extent you can avoid it) – it’s all sugar and zero nutrition.
My son is also not really a fruit eater (he’s 4.5), except he will occasionally have an applesauce pouch and he likes freeze dried fruit (“crunchy strawberries” is the term of art in our house). He will not touch a fresh berry, banana, watermelon, anything with a ten foot pole (won’t try apple pie due to the fact it contains apples). We introduced the freeze dried fruit as a wait to get him use to those flavors, with the idea that he would decide he liked the flavor of strawberry and then would want to try the real thing. It has not worked in 4 years. Freeze dried fruit is also the most expensive, on a price per ounce basis, way to consume fruit, so I don’t recommend starting down this path.
Anonymous says
If he doesn’t eat any fruit or vegetables yes. Juice can be a source of nutrients. Also, what’s bad about juice? Sure kids shouldn’t be drinking vats a day but it’s concerning that you’ve concluded juice is a never food. You might want to discuss your food rules with your pediatrician.
anon says
I don’t know of any pediatrician that would encourage juice – ours is 100% against it except for specific circumstances (e.g. constipation). We view it as medicine in that way, but not really a food. I think we would get permanently crossed off the playdate list if I let any of my children’s friends have juice either.
Anon says
Is it even good for constipation? I guess prune juice is, but that’s not really appealing to kids. We had major constipation struggles, and our ped gave us a list of foods to avoid and apple juice (and I think other juices?) were on it.
I’m also curious where OP lives that all the kids drink juice. Where I live people are majorly judgy about it. We’re more relaxed about juice than 95% of parents I know, and we don’t drink it at home, but are fine with our kid having it at play dates and parties and ordering it in on planes.
Anonymous says
I’m surprised on the apple juice ban for constipation. Whenever my one kid is constipated we give apple juice and it works right away. Juice is not a constant in our house but we def use it for constipation.
Anonymous says
Yeah–I thought apple juice and pear juice were supposed to have a laxative effect.
Anonymous says
There are no benefits to giving kids juice. It spikes their insulin. Some juices have added vitamins but they’re not really bioavailable because of the way juice is metabolized. Your kid can get vitamins from a multivitamin if he doesn’t eat any fruit or vegetables at all.
Anon says
I’ve heard juice is as bad as soda. Make a smoothie and freeze it into popsicles to introduce those flavors
Anonymous says
This is a bit dramatic. Juice is not as bad as soda as in you can water it down. A soda can be 46grams of added sugar. A watered down juice can be 25 calories and naturally occurring sugars with some vitamins. We give the 25 calorie juice popsicles a lot in the mid-Atlantic muggy summer. My kids are very fit and no cavities. They don’t expect juice all the time.
Anon says
My nearly 4 year old is a juice drinker. Mostly apple. We water it down about half and half and he drinks plain water at school. His weight is good. The dentist did caution the sugar issue with his teeth but otherwise all is good.
I am also a juice drinker so I don’t have a stigma around it.
anon says
Another vote that juice has way too much sugar to be good for kids. Our pediatricians also suggest it be very limited, preferably only when kiddo is at risk of dehydration.
That being said, my kid drinks some, watered down to varying degrees, most days.
Anon says
Ha, I guess we’re the exception because our kid drinks 25% juice/75% water mix daily. We live in a very hot place and he had a real struggle with constipation so staying hydrated was vital. Yes, it’s sugary, but he otherwise eats a very good diet (including a fruit at every meal and a vegetable at lunch and dinner), so we don’t really worry about it. That said, I don’t think there’s any particular reason to introduce it. Your kid not eating any fruit or vegetables is a separate issue, and introducing juice wouldn’t fix it since you’re not getting the fiber and the full nutrient package.
Anonymous says
Check with your pediatrician, but in my anecdotal experience, kids fill up on whole milk and are pickier because they are just not hungry. I don’t see much reason to give juice so don’t buy it for the house but I don’t forbid it either. My kid can have it at friends houses, parties, restaurants, etc.
Anon says
Sometimes I love this place because it shows how many different ways people live! I am honestly shocked at these answers! We have had orange juice available in our house every day for our children’s entire lives — my husband loves it. Two of my 4 kids also love it, and drink it daily. They also eat a huge variety of fruits and vegetables, and until this thread, it has honestly never even occurred to me that this might be seen as unusual! The only kid who has been flagged as having a “pre-cavity” hates OJ, and has probably never drank it in her entire life. My husband and 2 kids who drink it daily have no cavities, and a dentist has never remarked that anything was during their checkups. Wild!!!
NYCer says
I agree! It always reminds me there are 100 different ways to do things. My younger daughter drinks apple juice or orange juice basically every day. Usually watered down a bit, but not always. My older daughter drinks more water these days, but was similar when she was younger. And FWIW, I have always been a juice drinker (still am!) and have never had any issues with my weight or teeth.
Anon says
I’m not a big juice drinker (just don’t really care for it) and hate oranges, but I’ve always thought OJ was kind of different than apple and other fruit juices. It seems like it has more of the actual fruit in it and more nutritional value.
Anonymous says
Same here. I also buy the kind with calcium.
Anon says
At home my elementary-aged kids only get juice on Friday night Shabbat (they get a small glass of grape juice while grownups get wine). At meals they drink whole milk and other times they get water and I don’t see a benefit for replacing either of those with juice. One kid eats most fruits and vegetables; the other currently only likes apples, pineapple, melon, lettuce, and tomatoes. It never occurred to me to add juice in to supplement nutritionally.
That being said, there are lots of other times they will drink juice that I don’t worry about: When staying with one set of grandparents, they get orange juice at breakfast every day. When on airplanes, they’ll ask for apple or orange juice. When we’re out to eat they prefer milk, but when that’s not an option they’ll drink apple juice as a backup.
TelcoLadyJD says
My kid drinks apple juice almost every day. She’s a perfect weight and has never been constipated. LOL.
Seriously, though, my husband and I both grew up with what I now know was emotional abuse around our weights. We try very hard to make things with sugar just….food. And to not restrict them or make them more highly valued than other food items. Thus far, my kid can take one bite of a cookie and be done with it…which I’ve never in my life been able to do.
So… we offer juice along with water and milk. If she’s had an unusually high amount of juice one day – then we save more juice for the next day and offer water or milk.
Anon says
I think the ability to take one bit of a cookie and be done with it is mostly genetics/personality and also maybe taste buds (some people genuinely don’t enjoy sweets that much, bizarre though it is to me!). I have a kid who’s had regular access to desserts and sweets without shame her whole life, and she has zero ability to stop at one bite of a cookie or even one cookie. I have lots of friends with two or more kids where the kids have wildly different attitudes towards desserts, despite being raised in the same house with the same rules and philosophy about food. My BFF’s older daughter will ask for the frosting to be removed from her cupcakes and take two bites at most; her younger daughter would binge eat cupcakes til she threw up if she was allowed to, and they’ve had the exact same upbringing and are both active kids at a healthy weight.
That said, I agree apple juice is not a big deal if it’s part of a balanced diet and doesn’t replace water and milk.
Anon says
We don’t drink juice in our house except for the fermented grape variety (adults only of course). My daughter is six and never got a taste for it and tells people she doesn’t like it. She drinks milk and water. She still got a cavity at age 4. This is no parenting win, I just didn’t introduce it and she never asked. I don’t think it’s necessary. She does it a lot of fruits and veg.
Anon says
Novel ahead. I posted last summer about considering guardianship options for our child (I can’t find the original post on this site, either by the terms I used or the date, so bear with me – the search doesn’t work and the post is indexed to the wrong date). I was the one who asked about choosing my cousin “Susie,” cousin “Bonnie,” or brother “Joe.” Unfortunately, we lost that pregnancy and the question got put off, but I am pregnant again, the question is coming up again, and I’m struggling with the decision still. My husband is also undecided. Quick refresher on the options:
Susie: my cousin and very best friend, mother of 2, married to an awful deadbeat husband “Tom” who has gotten worse since last summer, some money problems but an inheritance in the wings, lives in the worst of the worst of the red states. I’m most concerned about Tom – there is definitely some undiagnosed pathology there and he was also against having a second kid for themselves (he got a vasectomy two weeks after the baby was born when normally he’s slow as molasses to do anything). I have no concern that he would be violent, but I think he would be cold and surly whenever he’s asked to help with our child and would NOT model an equal partnership or a loving household – to a level that actually makes me a little sick. I would pick Susie if not for his existence so my child could grow up with her love and with cousins. The only other thing that worries me about Susie is struggling with anxiety and PPD, especially about parenting. It feels like the “stable core” of their household is threatened, and to a greater degree than when I last spoke and when the consensus here said to choose her. Their household is unhappy.
Bonnie: Susie’s sister, my second best friend, married to a man who can be a tad annoying but is overall a good person, childfree by choice, financially stable, lives in a nice blue state two states away from us. She has specifically told me that she would be glad to serve as a guardian and “we would rearrange our lives to make it happen.” I still have reservations because I’d like for someone who doesn’t want kids to be able to live that life, but she is a loving person who I KNOW would do all she can to serve our child (and if it matters, she’s not a “never kids” person – she’s said they’re pretty sure they’ll choose to stay childfree). I was previously more concerned about some lifestyle aspects, but those have paled lately.
Joe: my brother, lives several hundred miles away in the same state, 8 years younger than me (and not yet 30), a good person. I’m still not sure if he wants kids, but he’s in a stable relationship that he told me was “on the marriage track.” No way to know if that will still be stable in the future. We’re not as close as I am to Susie and Bonnie, but he’s a good person and I think could do a good job. There are certain aspects of his life, like being really organized and planning great vacations, that would bring a good quality of life to a kid.
My husband’s family is all abroad and he doesn’t have any close-enough friends to consider for this role – it’s really down to Susie, Bonnie, and Joe. My biggest concern right now is Susie’s husband, Tom. I’m concerned with how awful he has become and how he has very much NOT stepped up to the plate after their own second kid. I think he makes Susie’s anxiety and PPD a lot worse and that he really models behavior that I don’t want for my kid – think silent treatment and sulking often. Susie has indicated that she does not want to get divorced because she doesn’t want to be separated from her kids or cause them any harm. She says Tom doesn’t want one either.
I think I’m now leaning towards Bonnie and approaching my husband for the next round of talks with her as my first choice – thoughts? I feel like when I’ve written it out, it seems clear, but I honestly can’t tell if I’m “overreacting” on how much Tom is a problem.
Anon says
Bonnie seems like the obvious choice to me; Joe would also be fine, but if Bonnie has expressed enthusiasm about being your guardian that’s a huge point in favor of choosing her.
But I’m also a little confused why you’re blaming Tom for immediately getting a vasectomy and not stepping up to the plate after the second kid — hard to fault someone for resenting a kid they expressly didn’t want and taking measures to prevent another accidental pregnancy. But yes, definitely don’t give him even more kids.
Anon says
He begrudgingly agreed to the second kid. I included that vasectomy story example just to show his personality type – if it’s something that he should do for the family or for anyone else, good luck getting him to do it within the next five years, but if it’s something in his own self interest, he’ll get right on it. I didn’t used to think this, but there is something very not right about him.
anon says
Yeah, he makes Susie an automatic no. That’s not a household you want your kids growing up in.
Clara says
I kind of feel the opposite – Joe, then Bonnie, then Susie.
Susie seems lovely, but the issues with Tom are valid. I know that Joe or Bonnie would have to rearrange their lives, but especially from Joe’s POV I would be willing to rearrange my life for my sisters kids.
HSAL says
It seems very clear that Bonnie is the best choice right now. You’re not locked in forever, you can always change your mind down the road if circumstances change.
Anon says
+1 very good point – you’re making the decision for the near term, not forever. It’s easy to change it if circumstances change.
Anon says
OP here and thank you for this. I confessed that I was viewing this decision as “forever” but clearly that isn’t right.
Cerulean says
I think it’s also good to remember that this is a choice that only happens in rare, tragic circumstances. Your child’s life would already have a massive upheaval in this instance, so there’s no “perfect” choice because it’s a terrible scenario.
NYCer says
100% Bonnie and +1 to revisiting the question in a few years.
Cb says
Bonnie! She’s offered, would provide your kid a safe, secure, and loving home. Your kid could spend summers or family holidays with Susie and cousins.
I’m an only child, my parents live in another country, and our son would go to my husband’s 2nd cousin rather than his brother, because they are younger, have a closer relationship, parent in a way that is more aligned with our values, and are equipped to deal with traumatised kids (current foster parents).
Anonymous says
Bonnie, 100%. Don’t put your kids in an unhappy household, when if they end up there, they will already be grappling with A LOT.
Anon says
Not Susie. She seems like she’s struggling, in addition to her marriage issues
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree on Bonnie. Joe would also be a fine choice. Keep being there for Susie and encourage her that divorce doesn’t mean she’ll be separated from her kids – sounds like they might be better off outside of this household.
Anonymous says
Bonnie, no question. Remember that you can always revise your documents if circumstances change in the future. Right now Bonnie is clearly the best, most willing, and most stable choice.
Anony says
I think both Bonnie and Joe would be good choices. We actually had three really similar choices. The Bonnie in our life has health problems that would make caring for a young child full-time tough (one of the reasons she’s decided not to have kids of her own), so we appointed Bonnie and her husband as the trustees of our child’s trust and Joe as the guardian.
Anonymous says
Some people say it’s better to appoint different people as the trustee/guardian of the estate and the guardian of the person.
Anonymous says
I come from a dysfunctional family and it’s concerning to me how much you’re fixating on this.
Anon says
I also come from a rough family, but this is a big deal choice and it’s not a fixation. FWIW OP, I voted Bonnie last year and still vote Bonnie (I chose our Bonnie equivalent for our kids). Good luck.
Anon for this says
Agree. Just because we didn’t choose our family circumstances (I too come from a dysfunctional family) doesn’t mean OP should knowingly choose a potentially difficult situation because we think “I turned out ok, so will they.”
Also Team Bonnie, but also think Joe is a good choice. As others have said, you can always reevaluate and should set a future date (5 years?) to revisit your decision.
Anonymous says
Agreed. You have a loving sibling? You don’t have a problem at all. Name Joe. Move on.
Anon says
OP here and so do I. That’s why I know beyond a shadow of the doubt that I don’t want my child going to an unhappy household. I just wish that it weren’t my best friend who lives in that household because otherwise she would be my top choice. And I want her to be happy like she used to be.
Vicky Austin says
With gentleness and respect, that is a separate issue, and it might be part of why this question looms so large in your mind.
But, to be very frank, Susie could get away from Tom or whatever other fix you envision for her, and it might demonstrate other ways that she wouldn’t be a good choice to be your kid’s guardian. She married a man who sounds like a project. Maybe she makes up for that by being super loving to everyone all the time? She might burn out spectacularly on being such a caregiver and martyr all the time, and then where would the kids – hers and yours – be?
I’d try to separate your very valid feelings about seeing your beloved cousin struggle from your choice of child’s guardian. Maybe once that happens the guardianship choice will seem simpler and less fraught. I wish you the best.
Anonymous says
+1 It seems that perhaps your sadness over what’s happening to Susie’s life is making you reluctant to make a concrete and obvious decision. (Perhaps making the decision would feel like disloyalty to Susie or to your friendship with her? Or maybe it would feel like you’re giving up hope that her circumstances will turn around?)
Anonymous says
I’m sure it is out of loyalty to your best friend but you’re conflating two issues: you’re concerned for her and miss the old Susie AND you need a stable guardian for your child. Susie is in no head space to care for your child, even if she had a good partner, which she doesn’t. Saddling her with your child will not make her leave him, nor will it make her life better. Pick Bonnie or Joe.
Anonymous says
Your brother. No question. He will love your child like his own.
Vicky Austin says
Bonnie all the way. She told you straight up she would rearrange their lives to make it happen. There is no better demonstration of the commitment or understanding thereof than that, because it would absolutely be a rearranging of their lives.
Also, it seems like her life would not be the chaosburger to rearrange the way Susie’s would. I think your concerns about adding your child to Tom’s household are very founded and would not work out well for your child. Joe is a good second choice if Bonnie’s not available, and hopefully he will be part of your kid’s life regardless.
I’m sorry for the loss of your baby and hope this pregnancy is going well.
Anon says
Bonnie. And hopefully this will never matter
Anonymous says
Bonnie as guardian, Joe as trustee and alternate guardian. Joe’s organizational skills will make him a good trustee.
Anon says
Thanks everyone – this has been helpful to clarify what I knew. If I’m honest, I know that Bonnie is the right choice *for now.* I can’t ignore how Susie’s marriage has deteriorated and how unhappy she has been. But it’s hard to let go of Susie as the “top choice” when I kind of always thought she would probably be best, not only because we’re best friends (and have been since birth!) but because she is a loving mother and I know would welcome my child as her own. Before, that outweighed the other issues (the red state, the financial stressors, Tom’s “issues”). At the same time that Susie’s marriage has fallen apart, though, Bonnie’s stability has increased – new job, bought a house, her husband just got promoted, they LOVE their new city and have made a bunch of friends, Bonnie’s chronic health condition is truly in remission…it’s just happier. It’s as stable as anything in this crazy world. Plus, Bonnie and Susie see each other a lot and I know the young cousins would still get to have a relationship.
I’m going to approach my husband and talk about choosing Bonnie. I think he may have a slight preference for Joe, but as others have pointed out, both would be good choices. We would probably make whoever isn’t “chosen” the financial executor. And of course this would ideally NEVER be needed.
Anonymous says
Bonnie or Joe. Or “Bonnie, then Joe” if it makes you feel better to put it in writing. Or, if you feel most comfortable keeping the guardian as a family member, “Joe, then Bonnie.”
Not Susie. You don’t want your kid in an unhappy home if at all possible. You want a kid who has just lost both parents in a family that will love and support them and move mountains for them.
FWIW we have no good options and over the years our choices have changed. Now my kids will be raised by my brother, who has done jail time and doesn’t really have a career of sorts. That sounds bad, but honestly, the jail time was for DUI #3 and he did 6 months and has been responsible since then– and it was almost 10 years ago. He’s a kind, gentle person who just isn’t really a career type person. His long time girlfriend is a wildly successful academic and he would actually be a perfect stay at home husband. Our kids are not babies anymore (now 7-12) and even if my brother is no longer with his girlfriend, he has been a wonderful presence in their lives. If my husband and I die, we will leave enough money for him to be a SAH parent to them if he wants. He also lives near my dad, who is our second choice as guardian. He’s just getting up there in years and never really did much in terms of kid-raising (not in a bad way, in a worked-his-butt-off sort of way).
Other options are my bipolar sister (no) or my massive narcissist of a mother who is terrible with money and also getting up there in years.
MBRec says
Bonnie now, and you can always change it to Joe in the future if you want. My youngest sibling is similar to Joe and is not my children’s current guardian, but will be in the future if their life changes. We went with our Bonnie.
RR says
Not Susie. You have to put aside your feelings and relationships and think about the best environment for your child in the unlikely situation where you and your husband were not options. Everything about Susie’s situation would make it questionable how good of an environment it would be for your child.
I would do Bonnie, with a plan to redo things in a few years and switch to Joe. He’s young now, but in a few years, he’s likely to be more solid. And he keeps the ties to your family and your history and your current state.
Former junior associate says
You’ve gotten a lot of votes for Bonnie and I basically agree, but I wonder if part of your struggle is that choosing her might hurt Susie’s feelings. In that case, you might consider Joe, then Bonnie, then Susie (our estate planning attorney suggested we specify three possibilities, fwiw). Joe sounds like he’d be a great choice, and I think to the extent Susie would be stung by not being your top choice, you can mitigate that some by having it be a different category of person entirely (i.e. sibling rather than cousin).
Anon says
I think that’s silly and she has to do what’s best for her kids. She shouldn’t put her kids in a worse situation because it might hurt someone’s feelings.
Former Junior Associate says
For what this is worth, I don’t think Joe is necessarily a worse situation for her kids. My advice would be different if I thought he was.
Anonymous says
Realistically you’re not both going to die, so don’t overthink it too much. Secondly, when push comes to shove, you don’t really 100% know how it’s going to end up. Someone may change their minds, someone (like maybe your brother influenced by your parents) could feel much stronger about getting the kids. I would basically see this as a potential rank that you may not have final control over, and not worry too much. I’d go 1) Bonnie, 2) Joe, 3) Susie.
More importantly, I would consider if there is anyone in your family that you truly don’t want the kids to go to. I think that’s even more important to put in your will. If that’s not the case, then it’ll probably work out.
Also you mention financial concerns. To be honest, you need life insurance and I would consider setting up a trust with a different overseer than who the kids would go to. You should plan to fund the kids even after your death, but I’d make sure that money had oversight, since it seems like you have concerns.
Again, you’ll probably never need this, so don’t overthink it. Get life insurance and congratulations!
anon says
My 8 year old is asking more questions about where babies come from, so I bought a copy of Its so Amazing to read with her. My question is, how do I approach this? Break it into chapters to read every night? Let her read it on her own and set aside time to talk about it? Give her on overview before reading it together? Read it together with her dad/my husband, too? Any advice appreciated! She’s my oldest and my parents did not talk to me about it at all!
Anonymous says
As a kid I was most comfortable being given these things to read on my own.
Anonymous says
Have you explained to her where babies come from and answered her questions? If so, I’d just leave her the book. And do not make her read it with her dad!
DLC says
I think it depends on the kid. My oldest wanted to read the book on her own, so I gave it to her and said let me know if you have questions.
There is a great episode of The Puberty Podcast (I think it’s now called This is So Awkward) that talks about talking to kids about sex at different ages- it’s from March of 2022. I think they do a great job about making distinction between sex and getting pregnant and how to approach each topic and how to figure out what your child really wants to know at that moment.
Anonymous says
It doesn’t matter that much, but I would read it to her so you get more used to talking to her about this stuff and so she can ask questions in the moment. Or your husband can read it to her. I wouldn’t worry too much about the gender of the reader, especially at her age.
Anon says
We’ve done a mixture of reading books to kids when they were younger and then by age 6 or so just leaving things lying around for them to read on their own and then ask questions.
Anonymous says
With kids a lot of it depends on the kid. My 8 year old has known where babies come from since Kindergarten. They learned about chickens/eggs and fertilized eggs etc. It led to a natural discussion of how human babies are made and she’s a very matter-of-fact kid. She may have educated the grade on Facts but if so it was done appropriately.
My oldest learned from her best friend who is the youngest of 3 kids and the other two are boys. I broached the subject when she was entering 4th grade and she was like “mom, I read a lot of books, I know where babies come from. I won’t have unprotected sex, either.” I burst out laughing and was like cool, my job is done for now. (and yes, at other times I did double check she was clear on things and wasn’t assuming she could get pregnant from kissing or whatever). Her BFF was also the one that told her Santa wasn’t real and the tooth fairy was her parents…but it was at a very appropriate age (like…8/9) and done in a way that didn’t crush my daughter, just kind of brought her up to speed with the rest of the grade. (“my mom is my tooth fairy, yours probably is too.”)
anon says
I have an almost 8 year old and a 4 1/2 year old. The 8 year old has about $40 in savings from grandparents and various things. The 4 yo has about $10 from the same stuff (just less time to accumulate savings). I had the idea that when we go to the pool this summer, I’d ask 8 yo to buy his own snacks (not like lunch or drinks, but treats like ice cream). He was excited about this idea and I think its a good way to teach saving, spending, etc. Problem is 4 yo will want all the same treats, but doesn’t have the same amount of money to spend and probably can’t/won’t do enough chores (optional for money, not regular chores) to save up equally. Thoughts on how to approach this? It doesn’t seem fair to buy 4 yo’s stuff but not 8 yo. At the same time, I don’t want to miss the opportunity to teach 8 yo about money management.
Anonymous says
I don’t make my kids buy their own treats during family outings, partly for this reason. I don’t think you can really teach saving and spending just with the random money they get from grandparents and birthday gifts anyway. To learn money management they need a regular allowance and a well-defined set of things they are responsible for buying that you will never buy them.
OP says
Huh, ok. So do you just buy them whatever they want? Like would you buy them ice cream every time you went to the pool (we go regularly)? Or just occasionally? I get what you mean if its like a day at the zoo, or something you don’t do every week . . . And can you give me examples of what they are responsible for buying that you’d never buy? Toys?
Anonymous says
I don’t buy my kids ice cream everytime they want it just cause they ask. They know ice cream is a sometimes treat!
Anonymous says
I buy them ice cream at the pool when I feel like buying ice cream, not every time we go. Ice cream is a special treat.
In elementary school my kids get an allowance of $1 per week per year of age. They have to buy their own toys, craft kits, art supplies, chewing gum, makeup, silly toiletries like bath bombs and body sprays and bubble bath, puzzles, activity books, graphic novels, fashion accessories like purses and scarves, souvenirs, and treats during field trips. All of these purchases are subject to house rules and parental approval (like basically only lip gloss and nail polish in the makeup department). I buy books with no pictures, school supplies, regular toiletries, and treats during family outings. They quickly learn that it’s no fun to blow all their cash on junk from the dollar bin at Target and start saving up for Lego kits and AG doll stuff and expensive colored pencils.
Anon says
What is comfortable for you? We buy ice cream on the last day of the pool year, and occasionally when we bring a picnic dinner and make it a while evening. I didn’t want to make buying snacks a habit so we set those boundaries early.
I do give my kids (8&6) a small allowance, and they use it for toys or for all those “extra” asks. Eg, we are at the grocery and they want a hot wheels or small American flag…they buy it! The school store is selling bracelets…they buy it! I realized I used to throw extras in the cart or when out and about and now I don’t, instead turning the opportunity over to them. If they don’t have enough saved, they wait until the next month.
FP says
I just use “that’s not on our menu / list today” and repeat ad nauseum. We certainly have the financial ability to buy whatever they need but we do fun things often and I don’t want my kids to expect treats every single time they go to the zoo or the pool. In the summers at the pool I typically let them buy ice cream after lunch on the weekends, or if we have friends there with us as our guests. I try to pack a lot of items with us and will let them pick snacks at Target or Costco to pack for the pool so we don’t waste money on mini bags of chips or whatever. I don’t have a strict limit to treats at the snack bar but my kids know it’s just not an every day thing.
Anon says
We did a hybrid of what OP references and what Anon @ 10:04 does. We give a set amount per week for pool snacks. I think we did $5 per week last summer? I went to the bank and got a ton of $5 bills, and I’d hand them each a $5 bill on Monday. From there, I do not police it at all. Kids are welcome to blow it all on Monday, and gorge themselves silly, but there are no replenishments during the week. I do not buy pool snacks ever, which they know. I instituted this in part b/c I was tired of being asked to buy stuff and honestly this was easier for me to manage. Kids also get to keep any unused portion of the $5 for the next week.
I have learned from reading here that I am wildly less restrictive with my kids’ diets than other parents. I rarely put restrictions on what they eat. But my kids also self-regulate really, really, really well, and even if they buy a ton of junk, will not eat it all at once. I also think they only blew it all in one trip once last year? From there, they both got really got at portioning it out over the week. It works out to basically one treat 5 times a week if they are not using it all up at once.
My kids also used to get an allowance, but we moved away from the allowance to earning money for chores or “babysitting” each other (being good stewards of themselves, their sibling, and the house when we leave them alone). Kids are 11 and 9.
Anon says
Oh, and if they forget their money, I will not front them cash. This has been an unexpectedly good way to teach them responsibility in managing their things too, in addition to budgeting. No one is sadder than the kid who has money but cannot buy a treat bc they forgot to pack their wallet in their pool bag! They will spot each other or treat a friend (with that kid’s parent approval).
Anon says
I think this is an excellent system. Good work!
Anon says
I like this approach to solve the sibling fairness issue! And it also seems like a good way to teach moderation with both food and money.
Unlike many others on this thread, we do require my daughter to use allowance money on treats (unless the whole family is eating together, in which case we pay), but she’s an only child so we don’t have the sibling problem OP asked about. The main thing she buys in terms of food is $1 shave ice at the weekly farmer’s market so it hasn’t majorly cut into her ability to buy other things, but I like that she’s responsible for buying *something* in her life that’s not toys.
Anon says
Yeay! Thanks for the positive feedback to both of you. Sometimes I feel like I’m muddling through parenting, so it’s nice to hear when it sounds like things are going right :)
Op says
This is such a great approach, thanks!
anon says
I set expectations in the car on the way to the pool about whether we’ll purchase something from the snack bar. This stops the begging as they know the decision in advance. Usually it’s something like, “I didn’t have time to pack lunch, so we’ll get burgers or hot dogs at the pool. I have popsicles in the freezer at home for when we get back, so no frozen treats today” or “You both did such a great job picking up your rooms earlier, let’s get ice creams during the 3 PM swim break” or “I’ve packed food today, so no snack bar. We’re saving our budget for [fun activity] coming up this weekend.”
I have set the expectation that I’ll sometimes buy them food or ice cream, but I will not buy the overpriced candy. They can use their own money for candy (in moderation and not to displace a meal), but I won’t buy it.
Anon says
We usually just get treats once a week at the pool and pack snacks the other days. If they want a treat on a second, third, whatever day a week they can use their own money.
Anonymous says
It takes an 8-year-old’s lifetime to accumulate $40 and you are going to make him blow it on 8 ice creams?
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
Well, no obviously. But thanks for being so rude. I bet people find you to be really helpful!
Anonymous says
Nah don’t do this.
Anon says
I would buy my kids one treat each and I plan to do that for most of their lives. I grew up in a household where everything was SO restricted and had so many rules around it that I decided early on that I want to be a parent who just buys the $2 popsicle without making it a thing. If it’s important to you that your kid practice spending his own money, though, I’d just give the 4-year-old some extra.
Anon says
So our family doesn’t usually do money gifts, but when kids do get money (so far just for baptisms and first communion)I deposit it in their bank account and match it in the other kid’s account – this is more “long term money” so I want them to be on equal footing. I do the same matching with 529 contributions. I occasionally take the kids to the bank to deposit the check (old school!) so we can talk about the bank. We use this to talk about savings and even touch on interest / long term saving here.
We don’t do allowances or money for normal chores, but we (and grandparents) offer money for special chores. Kids also have a little money from things lemonade stands. There are a few times we’ll have them use this money for something fun but not often.
For the pool snack bar we don’t get snacks very often but when we do we pay for them – don’t make the kids pay.
Mary Moo Cow says
Can I ask about this lemonade stand? My daughter and her friend want to run a lemonade stand semi-regularly this summer. Over the past year, I’ve let them set up hot chocolate and lemonade stands a few times, but always insisted it be free (I let them accept tips only after neighbors insisted.) DH is urging me to let them charge. Have you always let your kids charge? How much do they charge? Do you make them pay you back for the ingredients?
Anonymous says
We live in a very wealthy, community-oriented HCOL area. Our kids either do “free lemonade, donations for [local charity] accepted” or “Free lemonade!” and a box for donations to a specific charity or “Lemonade $1, free refills. 50% of profits to [local charity] and free water for dogs!” They also did one once where lemonade was $1 or free with a food pantry item.
My kids always make north of $50. When they do the 50/50 split I make them pay me for the lemonade mix and cups. They almost always pick the local animal shelter as their charity.
Anon says
I let them figure out their pricing (but would step in if it was too high). I buy the first round of supplies but they’re responsible for any replenishments for the whole summer! They have to figure out how to pay themselves vs get new supplies.
I’m Pretty hands off with most kids stuff, so they’re used figuring this stuff out on their own.
We’re in a small, highly walkable town.
Mary Moo Cow says
Thank you both! This is really helpful.
Mary Moo Cow says
My thought is not to teach money management with food treats but with toys and other junk. You said it, it won’t seem fair to them that Mom buys 4 year old’s treats but not 8 year old’s, or that 8 year old gets a treat because he’s paying and 4 year old doesn’t get a treat because Mom’s not buying, when they are together. If you are with the 8 year old on his own, maybe (although in my house it would get back to 4 year old real quick and 4 year old would demand a similar treat and I don’t have the patience for that. YMMV.) Unequal allowance and different spending habits are big points of friction in my house, and no amount of explaining the difference between “fair” and “equal” has mitigated that. But making one pay for his own ice cream in front of the other who gets free ice cream (or none at all) would exacerbate that in my house. It’s either all or nothing when the ice cream truck pulls up at our pool, and it’s always my treat.
Anonymous says
I would approach this slightly differently and give each kid a “pool snack” allowance. If 8 y/o wants to spend above and beyond that allowance they can draw from the $40 but I’d expect that’s an exception not the norm.
I’d also take 8 y/o on a trip to target or wherever to spend the cash on fun stuff like pool toys for summer.
Anon says
Great idea, thank you!
Anon says
We do snack-bar Fridays at the pool (everyone gets a treat that parents pay for). If kids want a treat on a different day they have to pay for it themselves. They’re always welcome to pack a snack from home (but they have to pack it). If we don’t go to the pool on a Friday (rare), we get a treat a different day.
Anon says
CW: pregnancy complications
It’s looking very likely in developing preeclampsia and the doctor may put me on bedrest or hospital monitoring for weeks or months. We have a high energy 2yo and only 40hrs a week of daycare. How on earth do we deal with this on the home front? No local family. My mom is great with kiddo and loves long visits, but she has a job. MIL is retired but diametrically opposed to me on every parenting issue (and secretly hates kids).
Anonymous says
Your husband steps up, limits his work hours, and handles everything. Seriously, that’s how people do it.
OP says
I mean, yes that’s obviously kind of true. But if a mom posted here about solo parenting for an extended period of time with little warning, I wouldn’t tell her to just suck it up (or work less).
Anonymous says
Care.com, hire an emergency nanny, spouse may need to take FMLA
Anon says
How many weeks are you? Are you close to just delivering? I’m so sorry!
OP says
I’m only 19 weeks, and still just being closely watched, no diagnosis. I have no idea how early they would induce.
Anon says
Ugh, what a massive PITA. I agree with others to look for emergency childcare on Care.com. Out of curiosity, were you taking baby aspirin for prevention? Did you have risk factors? I really hope this is a fluke – I was about to be placed on a serious medication that causes birth defects at week 11 of my pregnancy and then suddenly the issue resolved itself. I’ll hope for the same for you.
TheElms says
So your husband is about to need to do a lot of solo parenting it sounds like. Fortunately it is also about to be summer and college kids often come home for summer and are looking for jobs. I would line up a college kid or 2 to come in the evenings so your husband can get dinner cooked (or the college kid gets dinner) and then tidy up for the day while husband puts 2 yo to bed or college kid puts 2 year old to bed or college kid does it all one night a week so husband can catch up on life. I’d like up an additional person to come for a 3 hour block on the weekend so your husband has a block of time he can count on each week to spend doing something for himself. And then if you don’t have one I’d arrange for a cleaning service to come biweekly.
octagon says
This, absolutely. The timing is great for college-age help. Think about (1) where your biggest pain points are and (2) what will make this the most bearable for you. A friend in a similar situation from 23 weeks on was able to work from home while on bedrest, which helped keep her busy. They hired someone to pick up the other kid from daycare every afternoon and entertain the kid for an hour (usually at a local park) and then feed the kid dinner. I think they had someone else they hired to grocery shop and make 2-3 meals for the adults once or twice a week. The driving-type tasks were the hardest because she really couldn’t be out and about in the same way. The good news is they now have a thriving kiddo and it’s a distant memory.
Anonymous says
Yep it’s going to suck for husband and separately for you. I’m sorry. However, lots of parents have done this before. I had to do it recently for a couple of months with a 4 year old and 6 month old while my husband had a health issue. Husband is going to have to work daycare hours. I would look into buying a meal delivery at minimum (premade, just microwave). I found a local one that had much better reviews than the national companies. I would also pull all the rules for your kid and allow lots of TV time and snacks, once a week baths, etc. You can walk the behavior back after the baby is here and older. You can try to find an evening nanny to help him or do one/both of the daycare dropoffs, but it’s hard to find reliable people who want part time help. As other posters have mentioned, you may be able to find a college kid.
It’s hard. It’s not going to be a very happy time, but you can all do it.
Betsy says
You and I might have very different approaches to pregnancy, but I will share how I would approach this in case it is helpful. My understanding is that ACOG doesn’t generally recommend bed rest for preeclampsia as there’s no evidence based benefit. So I would start by asking my doctor why they are recommending bed rest in my particular case. 19 weeks is really early for preeclampsia so maybe there’s some research that supports it in early onset cases? Or maybe your doctor is old fashioned and hasn’t paid attention to the research.
I would also consider whether what the doctor is seeing lines up with your experience. During my pregnancy they almost diagnosed me with gestational hypertension when I was really just having white coat syndrome. I started logging my blood pressure at home daily and we determined that there wasn’t actually a problem. If I hadn’t pushed back I would have had that diagnosis and been told to induce early.
Are you getting enough rest, eating well and taking care of yourself in general? Being pregnant with a high energy 2 year old and not a lot of local family support says to me that you might not feel able to! What would it look like to start really prioritizing rest and self care for the rest of your pregnancy with the hope that doing that would help you avoid needing to go on actual bedrest?
OP says
Fortunately, I have high trust in my doctor, for both good up-to-date science and respectful communication. But I have some significant risk factors and my blood pressure has been steadily rising, even when I’m resting at home. Just another medical thing to manage.
Anon says
I agree with Betsy– I had gestational hypertension with my last pregnancy. I developed pre-eclampsia but it wasn’t until much later in pregnancy. DS was born at 35 weeks, 5 days. (For those wondering, I did all the things I was supposed to be doing during that pregnancy, but discovered post-pregnancy that I have a clotting disorder that likely caused the preeclampsia. It is being managed for my second pregnancy.)
ACOG does not recommend bedrest for preeclampsia and actually recommends walking to manage HBP. Walking is really the only thing that made me feel better when I started having HBP during my first pregnancy. Also, if you are just having HBP (not proteinuria), have you asked about medication? I was put on labetalol towards the end of my pregnancy last time, and while I initially fought it, it helped me feel a lot better.
I also recommend keeping a BP journal. I also had really terrible white coat syndrome, so my BP would spike at my doctor’s office. I still was having BP trending upwards, but I was able to show that I had a gradual/stable trend towards the 130s as opposed to stable in the 150s/160s (which would have meant hospital observation instead of medication).
Anon says
Lots of good suggestions here. Good vibes and love from my corner of the internet.
I was (surprise!) pregnant in 2020 with a (relatively) laid-back 2-year-old at home because of COVID, with a lot of other very hard LIFE stuff going on. We weren’t even able to leverage local family help at the time because we knew so little about COVID/precautions. That pregnancy is now a 3.5 year old kid that makes me laugh every day. Wishing you all the best. <3
Anon says
Genuinely curious about WWYD? My small team wants to grab dinner one week day for fun. I’m pretty neutral about the idea in general (I like my colleagues just fine, this truly just socialization, there would be absolutely no career harm if I bow out) but logistically it’s a big ask on my husband.
We have a 2.5 year old and (very mobile) 9 month old and 2 stressful 7:30 – 5 jobs without evening hours. The dinner to bedtime period in our house is just stressful right now, even with 2 parents. My husband can undoubtedly take care of it, but understandably isn’t thrilled with the idea (and the same would be true if the situation was reversed).
I’d feel stronger if it was an event I actively wanted to go to (like out with friends) or made more sense from a career perspective. Go or no go?
ps- typing this out the bigger issue is probably it feels like we’re stuck in baby jail at the moment and we need to come up with better systems and hire babysitters etc so we can have non-work non-kids lives.
Anonymous says
I would go unless the event would be too overwhelming to me personally. Let husband deal. It’s one evening. It will be good for both of you.
Anonymous says
Doing bedtime alone one night isn’t a big ask. He should be able to do it. You should be able to do it. It might not be fun, but it’s possible.
Anonymous says
+1. This is a one time thing, not once a week? Not a big deal. Give him a night off in return.
Spirograph says
+1. Bedtime might not be as smooth for one night, maybe you skip baths, but it’s totally doable. And gently, each of you should be able to handle it solo without dread… the more you practice, the less overwhelming it seems, and the more each of you will feel like you can reclaim a bit of freedom in the evening. For me, at least, that was really, really important for sanity when my kids were infant/toddlers
Anonymous says
I agree with this. You both need breaks, and you both need to enable the other’s breaks. Now, whether your break is this event is your call.
Anonymous says
If there truly were no career impact I’d probably bow out all together or commit to going about once a month. I just don’t want to hang out with my colleagues (who are all perfectly nice people) outside of working hours. But you’ve hit the nail on the head: if you can find a babysitter and do regular date nights, this won’t be as big of an ask on your spouse.
Anonymous says
It sounds like a one time occasion.
Anonymous says
Oh wait did I misread? If it’s one time I would go. If it’s recurring weekly I would bow out or go once a month.
GCA says
Is it just one evening or a regular thing?
Option A: Husband sucks it up and does the bedtime tunnel for one night. Pro: he gets more solo practice with two kids, which is never a bad thing. It gets easier with practice and as the kids get older. Con: it’s a heavy lift if it has to be done regularly.
Option B: Is there any chance you can do a team lunch instead? Pro: during the workday. Con: during the workday, may not be feasible depending on your workflow (if you’re in, say, clinical practice).
Option C: Work out a system, like a babysitter rotation, and use this as an opportunity to test your system. Pro: you get a system out of it. Con: Emotional labor for both, systems take a while to set up.
Anon says
You definitely need to find a sitter for these one off events to help the parent. If your kid goes to daycare, ask the daycare teachers—they are the best for these things.
I will also say that we also have difficulty in the evenings with a 3 and 1 year old. It is a marathon! The first few times doing things alone is really rough. If you can’t find a sitter, have your husband lean into screen time.
Anonymous says
No, a parent does not need a sitter for one evening alone with the kids. The level of privilege here is incredible. You need a sitter when both parents need to be out of the house or maybe once a week during a weekslong stretch of solo parenting so you can get a break. For a one-off night of solo parenting you do things like pizza picnic in front of the TV and both kids in a bubble bath together that are fun and special for the kids but ease the burden on the parent.
Anon says
Wait, a sitter just for bedtime when one parent is there? That seems unnecessary.
Anon says
This is excessive. A single parent can handle solo dinner + bed time on occasion.
We probably have 3-4 weeknights a month with only one parent. It’s not the smoothest (but sometimes it is!) but it’s totally fine.
Anon says
Really? For a one-off event it seems perfectly normal for a parent to handle two hours with two kids. If it were weekly or they were triplets or something maybe that’d be another story. It’s a good experience for dad to figure out how to make it work…we talk so much about how to get dads to be equal parenting partners and this is the way. Do not imply he’s incapable by getting a babysitter.
Anon at 10:44 says
I’m the poster at 10:44. I suggested this because they both seem overwhelmed at the idea of solo parenting in the evening for the first time. I know that feeling and the best thing was for me to get help: watch one kid while I put the other to bed, help with kitchen/play area cleanup, etc.
When I know my husband will be gone for an evening, we will sometimes hire someone to come help or my in laws come help. That way I’m not overwhelmed or annoyed at having to do it alone.
Anonymous says
This feels like an overreaction to me, a person who does bed time solo with 2 kids every night due to my husband’s work schedule. Some things feel hard until you do them and then you just figure it out. And I’m usually pretty liberal in getting paid help but I think OP and her husband will feel much more free if they can both figure out a way to handle bed time on their own (even once in a while) to allow the other spouse a break.
AwayEmily says
I tend to agree. My husband was gone three nights a week starting from when my kids were 6months/2.5. It was not IDEAL to be solo with them but after the first few times we figured out the little tricks to get us through the routine. You all will too.
Anon says
+2, as a person who is often alone with three kids (and pregnant) in the evenings. Husband is usually home for bedtime now but when I had two tiny kids he regularly wasn’t home until 8pm many nights of every week (work + long commute, not socializing). You figure it out, they’re your kids and it’s just life.
anon says
I don’t think the pain of spouse having to do bedtime alone at these ages is worth a just-for-fun-but-not-actually-fun weekly work dinner. Maybe quarterly? If it were something actually fun or important to career, that’d be a different calculation.
Anon says
Can you compromise on not doing it every week? Our family sounds similar in that bedtime solo is totally feasible, but exhausting, so we try to do it only a handful of times a month.
Anon says
We need some clarification from OP. This is something I’d do one time, certainly not every week!! Save those big spouse asks for your real friends, lol
NYCer says
I think this is a one-off dinner, not once a week.
Anon says
Yeah, on re-reading I think you’re right.
Anon says
If this is a one time thing, go. It’s not a big deal for him to do this once. If it’s a weekly thing, I’d probably try to go once a month or so. I wouldn’t have been happy if my husband had stuck me with solo bedtime every week when our kids were this age.
Anonymous says
Every week or one time thing? One time thing, you are overthinking this- your husband can handle bedtime by himself, or should be able to. Every week is way too much and even if I was single I would not want to spend that much time with my colleagues.
Anonymous says
Haven’t read the other responses but weekly would be a hard no for me.
I spend enough time at work as it is. I’d be doing monthly max.
Anon says
Yeah, regardless of the kids, I can’t imagine wanting to hang out with my coworkers every week. I like them, but that’s a lot, especially for people you already see at work…. I have very close friends I struggle to get together with once a month because of busy schedules.
Anonymous says
Right? If I’m missing bedtime with the kids one every single week, I’d be doing it for my besties or my sister or my mom, not my co-workers.
Anon says
It it’s a one time thing 100% go. If it’s a weekly thing, go once a month.
Anonymous says
Don’t assume solo bedtime will be awful. In my house, bedtime is almost always smoother with one parent. It’s more effort than your normal 50% but I think closer to 75% than 100%. I’m not sure exactly why — do the kids sense that solo parent only has so much to give? less energy in the house without the second parent? it’s a special mommy or daddy night? All to say – it could just be fine.
Also, if you haven’t already, help your husband get the baby carrier adjusted to him.
Anon says
Yeah, I think you know the answer. You should go so he’ll learn to do bedtime alone (and vice versa!) That’s an important thing for both of you to feel comfortable doing.
Also just optically, I’d be a bit nonplussed if people were turning down a one time work dinner because their husband can’t handle solo bedtime. Admittedly we have four kids 8 and under and bedtime is an a absolute disaster frequently at my house but DH travels for work and I go out sometimes and it’s all fine. Baths may be skipped. Screentime may be employed. Whatever that parent needs to do.
Anonymous says
It’s not one time. It’s every week.
Anon says
OP hasn’t clarified but to me after reading it carefully, it sounds like a one time thing, and most people seem to have the same interpretation.
Anonymous says
On a re-read – I think you’re right. It’s a one time thing. I think I read it as recurring because for a one off the obvious answer is yes to the dinner. I can’t imagine saying no to a one time event in this situation.
Anon says
Our daycare is hosting a teacher appreciation event, sponsored by the parents. We are moving in a month and leaving the daycare at that time. Should we contribute now or sit this out but give individual gifts to the teachers when we leave? We were initially planning to do roughly half our usual holiday gift when we left in a month, but probably not in a position to do both.
Anonymous says
Do it now then leave with a thank you card and a smile. No need to pre-tip the staff; presumably other families will take your slot and gift over the holidays. Give the full holiday amount at your new daycare.
Anon says
This
Anonymous says
+1. Giving money when you leave is kind of weird.
Anon says
It’s totally fine if OP is only in a position to give once, but no teacher is going to think a gift of money/gift card is “weird” regardless of when they receive it. They will be super appreciative, I promise!
Anon says
In daycare we always gave at both teacher appreciation and the end of the school year, even though they were usually only a few weeks apart. I don’t think it’s odd to do both. If you’re only doing one, I agree with teacher appreciation and then just a card from your kiddo when you leave.
FP says
If you want to do something on your last day, depending on how big your daycare is – we had a similar situation and I catered in bagels and coffee for the full staff on our last day. It was about two months after we gave a holiday gift so I didn’t feel like I wanted to do that again. It was very well-received and not terribly expensive. I left a note “Thank you for X wonderful years here! Love, The FP Family”
Wagon? says
I have three kiddos 1, 3.5, and 5.5. We live in a pretty walkable area and are looking for transport options. The 5 year old has been using a scooter but often asks to rise in the stroller after awhile. He’s just over the weight limit for our Double Bob. Is there a wagon that would work for all three, or so I just need to accept that we’ve outgrown all stroller type options?
Anon says
I think that in most cases weight limits are suggestions not hard limits (they definitely build in a buffer), if he’s not over by a ton I think it’s still fine.
I don’t play around with car seats or other serious safety things, but for a stroller I think it’s fine.
AwayEmily says
It depends how much you care about harnesses/etc. From time to time we put all 3 of our kids in a foldable Costco wagon at those ages — big kids on either end and baby in the middle. It was fine, though note the MOST comfortable to pull.
TheElms says
A wonderfold?
Spirograph says
Maybe if you get one of those push wagons like was featured here the other day. When I had 3 around those ages, they all *fit* in the wagon, but it was kind of heavy and awkward to pull, especially if there’s any kind of incline.
I vote accept that you’ve outgrown stroller-type options. But if the 3.5 year old wants to walk for a bit, your 5.5 year old can probably ride in the double bob with the 1 year old, even if he individually is a little over the weight limit.
Anon says
We just got a 4 person Keenz. It’s SUPER nice but it’s also a beast. It takes up the whole sidewalk and needs like 1.5-2 hands to steer. We’ve also only had it for a few weeks, but I feel like it adds a little bit of chaos that our stroller doesn’t. Like, the kids are all facing each other, there’s more toys involved etc. I take a lot of solo parenting walks to the park and have declared the wagon as a whole family affair (we have a mockingbird + riding board so that’s not a huge help to you).
Anonymous says
I felt similarly about the 2-kid Keenz. It just does not steer well and I had 50-60 lbs of kid weight in it without toys, blankets, etc.
Bette says
Similar ages. We have a double stroller with a skateboard attachment that my oldest can ride on when he is tired.
Anonymous says
Moms with high sleep needs kids, what did you do to get your kid to wake up earlier for an earlier school start time? We currently have a soon to be 5 year old who would happily sleep* from 7:30 pm to 8:00 am each day, but we have to get him to daycare by 9:00/leave by 8:45, and with how long it takes him to do anything, the latest we can get him up is 7:30. Starting in August, we will have to get him to kindergarten by 8:15, and will have to leave by 7:40 to get there. DH and I are absolutely dreading this transition.
Seeking tips and advice now so we can start planning how we’re going to handle this. Thank you!
* by sleep, I mean my son is actually asleep this entire time. He is in his bed. He does not get out of his bed. Per the video monitor, he also doesn’t really move much at all in his sleep. (I learned recently from local mom friends when I posed this question to them that “sleep” means they’re just in their room by could be playing in their room, and not necessarily sleeping, so wanted to clarify.)
TheElms says
We faced this with our 4 year old and had to make bedtime earlier when we switched schools to one with an earlier start. Our then 3 year old was sleeping 8:30pm-8am plus a 90 min nap and school started at 9am and was 5 minutes away. New school doesn’t have a nap, starts at 8:25am and is 20 minutes away. So we pulled bedtime back in 15 minute increments until it reached 7:15/7:30pm and moved wake up time to 7:25am. We sleep in clothes so there are no clothes to change in the morning, just eat, brush teeth and hair and put on shoes and go. If she doesn’t finish her breakfast, most days, we take it in the car with us. Sometimes hair brushing is very superficial. I had to adjust my work hours to get home earlier and get dinner on the table which has been hard.
Anon says
I’m sorry. My 6 year old has a similar sleep schedule (a bit less, more like 8-7:45) but her elementary school doesn’t start until 9 so we rarely have to wake her. In 4th grade she’ll go to an intermediate school that starts at 7:15 and I’m massively dreading it even though it’s three years away. So I feel you!
I think there are really only two solutions: 1) earlier bedtime and 2) streamlining the morning routine. 1.5 hours feels long to me from wake-up to departure. We can do as little as 15 minutes, although 25-30 minutes is more comfortable and less rushed. Have him sleep in the next day’s clothes, choose quick breakfast foods or give it in the car (and if your school is anything like ours, the K kids eat lunch super early, so he may not need a big breakfast). If he’s dawdling, do tasks for him rather than waiting on him. There are other opportunities to practice independence. Use rewards for getting out of the house promptly. If my daughter gets to school a few minutes early, she gets to play with her friends on the playground for a bit before school, and that’s proved very motivating. If you don’t have a natural reward like that, I would not be above something like M&Ms.
Anonymous says
If he’s that slow I’d help him with the getting-ready tasks or do them for him. Help him get dressed, put his shoes on for him, etc. If he’s a slow eater give him a sippy cup of milk and a snack trap of cereal in the car for breakfast. Alternatively, can you skip breakfast and get him to day care earlier so they feed him there?
Anonymous says
One of my twins is like this. He needs a full hour more sleep than his brother. Picking out all clothes for the week on Sunday is key plus get bookbag ready the night before. For your schedule I would do:
7:15 – wake up, bathroom (pee/wash face/brush teeth) – do this for him/help like hand him a wet washcloth to wash his face
7:30 – change into clothes (help – like pop shirt over his head and he puts in arms)
7:40 – get in car (breakfast is a granola bar (maybe a clif bar) and apple sauce squeeze pack in the car)
Have his lunch packed and in his bag and yourself ready to go before you wake him up. You won’t need this schedule forever but the first 8-12 weeks of kindergarten is classically exhausting for kids so do this to get through the clutch period then you can adjust.
AwayEmily says
+1 on the streamlining mornings. For us, the minimum time from “kid wakes up” to “we are all out the door” is 40 minutes (and we have three kids!) so I think you can potentially get some time back there.
FWIW I know that having kids do things themself in the morning is great and wonderful and builds independence but I literally dressed my kids every morning until each one was in kindergarten (like, put each piece of clothing on them), and despite my parental interference they have grown into fully functional elementary schoolers who now do 100% of the morning routine on their own.
NYCer says
Agreed. I would try to move bedtime to 7pm, let him sleep 7p-7a and figure out a way to do the morning routine between 7 and 740.
anon says
Push bedtime as early as possible (can you do 7:00 instead of 7:30) and streamline the morning. Pick out clothes in advance or sleep in clothes overnight. Get all your stuff done before you wake him up. Have a simple easy-to-eat breakfast plan. Help him where needed.
We also have high sleep needs kids but luckily they have a late start school, so the bus doesn’t come until 8:10.
Anonymous says
Op here – they don’t provide any meals at our daycare (until this post I didn’t know some daycares had breakfast? Wow, I truly wish ours did. I’ve only heard of some that provide lunch.) but if you give them breakfast in the car, how do you brush teeth?
And we tried the sleep in clothes, but our son gets night sweats occasionally, so we would age to change clothes anyway.
Anon says
I wouldn’t worry about brushing teeth after he eats breakfast. Basically my entire life I have brushed my teeth upon waking and never after eating breakfast. My teeth are fine.
Anonymous says
Brush teeth when he gets up. If he’s brushing teeth before bed, he’s not going to get tooth decay from not brushing his teeth after breakfast 5/7 mornings. He’d still be brushing on the weekends.
Anon says
My understanding is morning brushing is mainly to get off the night gunk/bacteria sitting in your mouth, not to brush off breakfast
Anon says
Yeah brushing teeth before eating breakfast is not a big deal. Public K-12 schools typically have breakfast available to buy, but you normally have to get there at least 10 minutes before school starts in order to eat breakfast, so may not be worth the time if you can do a quick breakfast at home or in the car.
If he sweats at night, change the clothes, but that shouldn’t take more than a minute or two with an adult assisting. Choose the clothes the night before. Boys get to skip hair-brushing, which is the longest part of my daughter’s morning routine.
Anonymous says
They brush their teeth when they wake up. They don’t brush their teeth immediately after lunch or dinner either.
Anon says
So we have to leave our house at 7:10 to be at kindergarten at 7:20. We wake our twins at 6:40. I’d love for them to be more independent in the morning but not worth it yet. So my twins started needing less sleep which helped some. I’d also say do bedtime at 7/7:15 and wake up at 7:10.
Anon says
For families with Yoto players: do your kids each have one or do they share? My boys (3 and 1) love the Yoto player that we have, and obviously fight over it ALL THE TIME (baby wants to listen to wheels on the bus, toddler wants to listen to Daniel tiger; you know the deal). But I’m wondering if I buy one for the younger one, they will still fight eachother and it’s not a Yoto player issue…
Anon says
My boys with Yotos are 6 & 8 and they each have one. They use them mainly with headphones, often in the car, unless they are in their rooms and want some music playing out loud.
For my 3yo, we have a Toniebox that we’ve had since he was an infant. That’s in our main play space and he uses it to play music out loud all day long. I LOVE the Toniebox for babies and toddlers, though I am planning to get him a Yoto for long car rides soon.
In your situation, my gut is that a second Yoto won’t solve the problem…but that depends if they like to be in the same room playing music out loud, or if you’d really send them off to different spaces or have them use headphones. A Toniebox could be appealing to the baby, though; and you really only need a few different Tonies at that age so it’s not a huge spend .
Anonymous says
We have two Tonie boxes (kids are almost 5 and 7). We offered to get the 7yo the Yoto player but she wanted a Toniebox. FWIW I do a LOT of reading aloud with my kids including novels so it’s not replacing that. We read at least 3 picture books/day plus a chapter of a fiction chapter book every day. We also do a lot of kids podcasts in the car.
The 7yo takes it up to her room to play by herself or listens with headphones while doing crafts. She loves the Eloise Tonie and the National Geographic or conservation crew ones. 4yo uses it more when he’s tired and lays on the couch while I’m making dinner etc..They both use it on long car rides with headphones.
GCA says
Could this be an opportunity to help them learn to share? Our daycare taught the toddlers and preschoolers to say ‘In how many minutes can I have Toy X?’ instead of just snatching or fighting. Your kids are probably at the age where they can start learning to do that. (It does take a while to sink in. My kids are 9 and almost 6 and they forget all the time that they can negotiate this way.)
Anon says
I’m not someone who minds mid-day school events (I WFH right near the school and can easily duck out for an hour), but I do find it extremely irritating when the teacher announces to the kids (with no advance notice to the parents) that parents can take them home for the rest of the day…after an event that concluded at 1 pm. And of course all the kids want to go home, and the ones who have to stay at school are sobbing and it’s terrible. God bless my kid’s friend’s mom who had taken a half day of PTO and took my kid for the afternoon.
Anonymous says
This is insane. I’ve never heard of letting kids out early with no notice to parents. Do the kids just get off the school bus and no one is home??
Anon says
It was an in-class event that pretty much all the parents attended, and the teacher announced that any parent who wanted to could take their kid home. You had the option to leave your kid at school for the rest of the afternoon, but most of the kids were leaving so the kids who had to stay were all upset and several were crying (they’re in K). The kids who stayed were dismissed from school at the normal time and buses ran as scheduled.
Cerulean says
That teacher is a colossal idiot.
Anon says
She’s really nice and amazing with the kids, but yeah this was not a great move. And it’s not the first time she’s done it! Although in the past, fewer parents attended the events so the majority of kids had to stay at school and it wasn’t such a big deal. This was the big graduation celebration so basically every kid had a family member in attendance.