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Believe it or not, summer is right around the corner. If your kids have grown since last summer, it’s time to get a few new swimsuits.
I like rashguards for my kids, like this one from Target’s Cat & Jack. This long-sleeved suit helps protect your toddler from the sun and is made of soft, stretchy fabric. It has a half zipper for easy on/off, and there are even cinch ties to customize the length.
Finally, it comes in three fun patterns. I especially like the dinosaur one — I’ve never met a toddler (girl or boy) who didn’t love dinosaurs!
This rashguard is $15 and comes in sizes 12M–5T.
Sales of note for 6.13.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals — up to 30% off — on select brands (ends 6/16); Nordy Club members earn 3X the points on beauty
- Ann Taylor – $30 off pants & skirts
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything & extra 15% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off women’s styles; swim starting at $24.50
- Lands’ End – 50% off your order
- Loft – 50% off everything
- Talbots – Extra 50% off all markdowns; 40% off regular-price shirts & sweaters & T by Talbots
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Clearance from $3.99, 100s of new markdowns; 50% off shoes, sandals & dresses
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all play clothes & swim
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 50% off boys’ & girls’ styles
- Old Navy – 1,300+ items on clearance!
- Target – BOGO 50% off select video games, books, board games & more; 30% off men’s tees, shirts, & shorts; 20% off men’s shoes & slippers; up to 35% off kitchen & dining; up to 50% off patio furniture & garden
Anon says
Do you put sunscreen on your kids every morning? And if so, any brand recommendations?
(My 2 year old goes to daycare. Daycare applies banana boat before afternoon playground time and we apply it at home before outdoor adventures. I use a daily moisturizer with sunscreen and am wondering if I should start something like that on my daughter too.)
Anon says
Yes we use daily sunscreen. We use Banana Boat in the winter and Neutrogena in the summer. Most US sunscreens have bad UVA protection (UVB causes burning but UVA causes aging, skin cancer and hyperpigmentation) and Neutrogena is supposed to be one of the best in the US for UVA.
Anon says
Yes. Used to do a Think Baby mineral one which was a pain to rub in but have recently just been putting my chemical facial sunscreen on her too at the same time I do myself (I think it’s cetaphil? Or cerave?) because it’s easier to do simultaneously and rubs in much faster. She’s two and I am mostly just trying to make it part of her long term daily habit, don’t actually think she needs it most days.
Anonymous says
We do supergoop, the mineral kind, from April to September. My 4 year old loves the stick version, and puts it on his own face and then I help rub it in.
Anon says
Putting in another plug for lightweight long sleeve hooded sun shirts. They eliminate the need for sooo much sunscreen. I’ve put mine through serious abuse in the outdoors and they’re holding up great.
Anon says
Our daycare would roll up my daughter’s sleeves any day the temp went above 70 “because she’s hot” even if she wasn’t complaining. Just FYI if you plan to use these as sun protection, there’s a good chance the forearms will end up exposed, so personally I wouldn’t be comfortable skipping sunscreen on the arms on hot days.
Anon says
Sounds unusual to me, but if it happens, it’s possible to talk to them or put on more sunscreen. The shirts are comfortable in 100 degrees.
Anon says
I don’t think it’s unusual – even in aftercare they encourage the kids to roll their sleeves on hot days (although by that age I guess you could tell a kid not to).
I use those sunshirts in places near the equator where I really need better protection than SPF alone can provide, but I don’t really think they’re comfortable in temps above 75 or 80 unless you’re wet, and I would die if I had to wear one in a humid 100 degree climate and wasn’t in the pool. It depends on your body I guess.
Anon says
I don’t know what to tell you – I’ve worn them in 100° hiking, backpacking, whitewater rafting, and tons of other stuff. For me it is a zillion times more comfortable to have my skin protected. On my last rafting trip, every single person from different groups was wearing one and we didn’t have a day under 90. Almost every time I’m out on the trails in my fairly hot city, people are wearing them. If you got hot in 80, maybe you had a thick shirt.
Anonymous says
+1 to the other Anon poster advocating sun shirts. I burn very easily, so I prefer sleeves in the summer. Even in the miserable DC humidity, I don’t overheat. It’s all in the fabric! I spent several months in the middle east where, for cultural reasons everyone covers up, and learned that more coverage with loose-fitting, lightweight clothes is actually the secret to staying cool in sun-generated heat.
Mary Moo Cow says
In theory, yes, but in practice, I forget most days during the winter. We use Neutrogena clear face or sheer dry touch for daily use and Blue Lizard, Sun Bum, or Neutrogena sheer touch for the pool or extended outdoor time. I keep it on the counter with toothbrushes as a visual reminder to put it on.
anon says
Oh, like the tip by toothrbrushes. I do this for my own face sunscreen, but didn’t think about it for the kids. Stealing this idea.
Anon says
Daycare does and my son is more compliant there about application. I just use Avene mineral sunscreen, which is the same one I use.
CCLA says
Yes – Elta UV Clear (the stuff is meant for the face but we also use it on the kids’ arms and necks, it’s expensive but super easy to apply and not greasy) in the winter when they’re not getting super sweaty. In the warmer months we use supergoop play. Also I always either use supergoop duster or coola spray to get their scalp on the part. We do this every morning on the way out the door unless the UV is not slated to top 3 for the day. When they were in daycare we’d also send sunday afternoon hats and they were good about wearing them, think I got that rec here – during all the daycare years, our kids knew if they were going outside, they had to have a hat! But at elementary school that’s gone out the window (but they’re also outdoors less).
UV Rays says
I’ll be the one ashamed parent who says no. I would love to have everyone in my family wear sunscreen daily, but my 3 year old hates any sort of lotion, ointment, etc touching their skin. We’ve tried the solid stick variety too. I’ve thought about trying powder sunscreens but idk if I believe they’ll really work. For now, I’m celebrating that I have at least succeeded in getting 3 year old to wear a wide brimmed hat. And we buy swimwear with sleeves, which I hope also helps
anon says
Yep, use La Roche Posay (EU kids version) every morning without fail.
Anon says
Where do you purchase it? I’m interested in stepping up my sunscreen game (for both me + kids) after learning about how badly US sunscreens protect against UVA radiation, but it’s hard to figure out where to purchase it and be sure you’re not getting counterfeit products. I’m wary of A-zon.
Cb says
A Friday self-inflicted injury. I sent an admittedly futile note to the year group whatsapp group after getting a face full of cotton candy vape, saying “can parents refrain…?” and from the response, you’d think I have asked them to crawl to school through broken glass.
GCA says
On school premises? Really?
I get that the UK is (a lot!) more relaxed about tobacco use but…at school?
Cb says
It’s awful! I regularly see people vaping on the playground, on the bus, on the train…
Anon says
Ha! Didn’t realize it was UK – I was about to post that would be against school policy at our school, and you should get the school to enforce it for you!
But also, did people really push back on the text thread?
Anonymous says
What if anything should I do here? For reasons, my elementary school daughter is a full year younger than her grade which in 3rd grade makes a difference developmentally. Lately, she’s had some friend issues crop up and I think it’s tough on her self esteem. That said, I think she is causing some of them by not taking cues well and just being a lot. For example, they all love to hug, but she will chase her friends around wanting to hug them when they just want to walk around and talk about whatever drama is currently preoccupying their attention. I think part of this is diverging interests as friends are all very into T Swift and dancing and my kid is not but rather than find someone else to play with she just annoys her existing friends by trying to make a game of tag, which is something they would have done a year or two ago but now don’t. Do I intervene? How do i talk about this with her without causing her to have issues?
Cb says
Oof, that’s really hard. It’s funny how a few months make a difference in where kids are. Does she have other outlets for silly play? I wonder if after summer, this will be a non-issue and things will have levelled out.
Anonymous says
Ooh!!! I am very well equipt to commiserate here. My daughter is in 2nd grade but one of the youngest kids in her grade. Some are a full year older. My other daughter is one of the oldest in her class and the two have been SO DIFFERENT in their development in various grades. My “older for her class” kid was done with dolls in Kindergarten and my 2nd grader still happily plays with stuffed animals and American Girl.
A couple of suggestions, essentially all of them being support her where she is and help her make new friends!
1) find her friends outside of school that are more lined up with her developmentally. My kiddo has “bus friends” that are in 1st grade and they do some activities together. My other daughter “plays up” and hangs out with the young kids in the grade above her.
2) help your daughter find 1-2 pals in her class that are more aligned developmentally.
3) find activities where your daughter can make pals with kids that are interested in what she likes. So…not T swift and dancing :)
Anon says
I don’t know if this is age as much as interests. I have a second grader (7 yo) who formed a Taylor Swift club. They spend all recess talking about TayTay and her songs.
Meanwhile there are a group of girls in my daughter’s 5th grade class who still spend all of recess pretending to be puppies and kittens and running around.
I’d encourage your daughter to try to find her people. Unless it’s a very small school, I suspect they exist.
Mary Moo Cow says
+1. My daughter is at a small school were the kids seem to be kids longer. Her good friend switched schools this year (for 3rd grade) and had a hard time adjusting because the girls in her new class were all Swifties and had to have the S tanley and … it was different than what her old friends were experiencing in 3rd grade. I would encourage her to find her people, both in school and out, IF she’s talking to you about it. And give it the summer. From my sister, a former 4th grade teacher, and current MS mom, a lot of growing up and evening out happens between 3rd and 4th grades. That said, hugs. This is hard.
NYCer says
+2. Can you try to be proactive with helping her identify some school friends who might have more similar interests? The teachers might be help to point you in the right direction.
Spirograph says
I would let her sort this out unless she initiates the conversation. I agree with Cb that summer will help a lot. The school break will shake up the friend group, summer is the time for more silly play anyway. By the time next school year starts, she’ll probably start forming new friendships among new classmates based on currently-shared interests, and/or she’ll also be content to talk about drama rather than agitating for more active play.
Anecdata FWIW: I was a full year younger than my classmates in 3rd grade and have a few distinct memories when other girls looked at me like I had 10 heads for something I said or did that was less mature. I don’t remember it ever happening after that. I got much better at “reading the room” and adjusting my behavior to my peers. I have a 2nd grader and a 3rd grader right now, and the difference in their maturity and how they interact with friends is very stark. My 3rd grader is more like the 5th grader than the 2nd grader.
Anon says
I also would be a bit proactive about helping find some new school friends who have more similar interests. Perhaps host a few playdates with kids who you might be a good fit? Teachers or Girl Scout troop leaders might have some suggestions if you don’t know who might click with similar interests.
Anonymous says
I’m in the same boat in third grade. my daughters turn 9 in June and a few kids have already turned 10. I think we had more parents who redshirted their kids than usual because of Covid – our kinder year was weird as we all remember too well. I’m trying to listen to both of them (twins) and help them navigate as best I can.
Anon says
I have a 10 yo 5th grader who won’t turn 11 until after the start of 6th grade (middle school). She went on time and followed the cut offs. It’s insane to me that there would be a 10 yo in 3rd.
Anonymous says
Mine also started 6th grade at age 10. The idea of kids turning 10 in third grade is insane. I really like the NY system that bans redshirting.
FVNC says
Same. We’re in Virginia and my daughter started school on time, but she’s a full year younger than all her classmates and will start 6th grade as a 10 yr old. Her closest friend just turned 11. This year for the first time she expressed frustration at being the youngest, but like, I had no idea literally everyone else was redshirting?!
Anonymous says
The redshirting in our area of VA is out of control. One of my daughter’s friends seems to be the only kid with an August birthday who wasn’t held back. What is hilarious is that the parents all lie to their kids about holding them back.
Anonymous says
10?! My fifth grader just turned 11 a couple weeks ago.
Anon says
Turning 10 in third grade is bonkers
Anonymous says
I agree that turning 10 in third is bonkers – my girls were embarrassed that they are so young and it took everything in me not to say that the 10 year old will eventually be the one who is the outlier when he graduates high school at 20 (not sure my math is mathing – maybe I should go back to third)
Anon says
A third grader who just turned 10 would graduate high school at just turned 19. They’re redshirted by only a few months (assuming an August/Sept cutoff) but potentially more than a year older than young kids with summer birthdays. If you have a late summer or early fall cutoff, kids turn 10 at the very beginning of fourth grade without any redshirting and redshirting summer birthdays is common in most places, so this kid isn’t really a huge outlier, though I agree personally I would not redshirt a May birthday unless there were unique circumstances.
Anon says
No, if you have a late summer or fall birthday you turn 10 at the beginning of 5th grade if you don’t redshirt.
–mom of a 10 yo 5th grader who turns 11 yo in 6th
Anon says
It depends on the cutoff – many districts now have September 1 or earlier cutoffs, which means that even with no redshirting kids born in September start K at almost 6, fourth at almost 10, and graduate at 18.75.
It’s different if your cutoff is December, then fall birthdays are the youngest ones, not the oldest. But that’s increasingly less common.
Anon says
No one redshirts a kid who is already the oldest in their class (born just after the cutoff, as in your example). That makes no sense in context.
The “fall” reference would also work for an end of September cutoff, which is common in my region.
Anonymous says
A third grader who just turned 10 has a birthday that is at least five months before the cutoff. Redshirting a kid with a spring birthday is insane. If they are that far behind they need special accommodations, not redshirting.
There was a kid in my middle school who turned 16 and got a driver’s license at the end of eighth grade, meaning he had been held back two grades. He would have been 20 when he graduated high school which seems like it should have been illegal. He clearly had some intellectual delays and should have been in a separate classroom with age-appropriate peers and instruction appropriate to his needs, not in an eighth-grade classroom struggling to keep up with a bunch of 13-year-olds including the gifted “cluster.”
Anon says
I was saying if the district has an early cutoff it’s possible for kids to turn 10 near the start of 4th grade without any redshirting, and the vast majority of kids turn 10 at some point during the 4th grade year. You only turn 10 in 5th grade if you were skipped or you live in a district with a late cutoff that allows fall birthdays to start K months before turning 5, which is becoming uncommon.
Agree a kid who turns 10 in 3rd was redshirted, though potentially by less than two months (many states have August 1 cutoffs and schools often don’t get out until mid-June). Personally I would hesitate to redshirt a typical kid, but I don’t think holding back a June birthday in a district with an August cutoff is as horrifying as some here seem to.
Anon says
@5:28, not sure how you calculated five months. August 1 cutoffs are common, especially in the Midwest where school often starts the first week of August. That’s less than 3 months away.
Anonymous says
I agree with the suggestions to encourage her to find friends with similar interests, but I’d also talk and maybe role-play with her about the unwanted hugging and hounding friends to do exactly what she wants to do. Even with shared interests, other kids will be annoyed by these behaviors.
Anon says
I think you let it ride this summer, and check in next year. I have a 5th grader with an August bday who was redshirted for medical reasons, and a current 3rd grader. A few thoughts — my 5th grader was acutely aware of being older than her peers in 2nd/3rd grade, and the differences essentially disappeared the following year. Now in 5th, it’s indistinguishable.
I see it in my 3rd grader’s class – with a November birthday, he’s one of the older kids, and in the fall, he seemed much, much older than some of the boys with summer birthdays. Now, those kids feel like they’ve caught up a bit, and the gap has definitely closed.
I’ve also read that 3rd grade is the last year that all the external differences between the kids really evens out — so a gap between kids who went to really academic preschools vs. non-academic ones might be really evident in 1st/2nd/3rd, but 4th is when that gap is gone.
anon says
I’d disagree that the gap is gone in 5th grade. I just chaperoned a 5th grade girl scout field trip and the girls basically split themselves into two groups: one that spent the whole time talking about boys and another who were being silly and making up games. I know this group well enough (since Kindergarten) that those in the “boy talk” group were nearly all in the older half of the class. The academic divide has broken down, but there’s definitely a social split that’s happening with puberty. It’s not strictly based on age, but that’s a big component.
Anonymous says
In my daughter’s class the ones who were talking about crushes and boyfriends in third grade (yes, third grade) mostly had older siblings.
GCA says
Yeah, I think it’s a combination of chronological age and environment. Older siblings = exposure, chrono age often = shifting interests. As a physically late-blooming, fantasy-reading firstborn girl with an end-of-school-year birthday, I struggled socially until I found ‘my people’ in middle school, including a few similarly-minded boys.
Anon says
I think a lot of it comes from peers and media too. Obviously she doesn’t have the same understanding of it that a 3rd or 5rd grader does, but my kindergartner with no older siblings has been talking about crushes and boyfriends all year and had a “boyfriend” for most of the year, who was her best male friend. It seems like the talk originated with one boy in the class who labeled every boy-girl friend pair “boyfriend and girlfriend” and that boy doesn’t have any older siblings either, so who knows where he picked it up.
They can absorb a lot from books and TV too. I was reading Babysitters Club books at age 6, and those girls were boy crazy. And my daughter has read some of the Karen Little Sister BSC books, which are a bit better but still have a big subplot about having pretend weddings with boys who are friends.
Anon says
I’m now thinking hard about how Kristy having Bart as a boyfriend was not really aligned with her character. Yes, of course Kristy was a catch but, like…she just wouldn’t have been into having that on her plate in that phase of life. Right?!
Mary Anne and Logan make sense, obvi Stacy was the most mature in this regard (“Boy Crazy Stacy” was literally one of the books and didn’t she leave the BSC to hang out more with boys/her “cool” friends?)…should I go on?
Always grateful for the BSC showcasing an Asian-American family – it was the one of the few place I saw a multi-generational family like mine represented in the 1990s. Also loved that Claudia busted the model minority myth.
I’ll see myself out now, but this has brought me so much joy today :)
Anon says
Yeah I love BSC but they’re very dated in some ways and one of big ones is the focus on hetero relationships. I don’t think Kristy would have had a boyfriend in middle school for sure (in my middle school it was like 10-20% of kids who were seriously dating at that age; relationships did not become a widespread thing until well into high school and even then there was a strong minority of nerdy academic and artsy kids who didn’t really date at all).
I’ve also long thought Kristy was a stand-in for the author and likely wasn’t into men at all, but it was a very different time and AMM wrote what she thought people wanted.
Anon says
I agree that it’s driven by older siblings in 3rd grade, but these 5th graders are the ones in bras and with their period. There’s a clear shift to it being hormone driven by the spring of 5th.
Anon says
Kristy and Mary Anne would have been a couple if it was acceptable back then, or at least that was how I read it. :)
Anon says
Yeah as a girl who was young-ish for my grade though not a huge outlier (May birthday in a district with an August cutoff and lots of redshirted June/July kids) and went through puberty late which compounded me being young-for-grade, I feel like the gap got much bigger in 4th/5th grade when the older and more mature girls got fixated on boys, clothes, makeup and other things I didn’t care about.
Anon says
OP, you’re clearly a thoughtful parent!
Anecdata. I have an early August birthday, and grew up (and now live) where there is a Sept 1 cutoff. In hindsight I definitely was behind socially and I don’t think it leveled out until college – which I started at 17 because I started in a summer program! Your daughter may be similar, and she will eventually find her people.
One of my good friends grew up similarly to me birthday/cutoff wise, and ended up redshirting her older daughter who also had the same birthday/cutoff situation (generational cycle broken! said tongue-in-cheek); her kid was fine/ahead academically, but the Mom was concerned about the social things all have mentioned here.
Anonymous says
Ugh that’s so hard! So I’m a late summer birthday and the social stuff in elementary WAS hard. It leveled off socially in middle school but I was also a late bloomer so then waiting for the physical development was hard. My DH was also a late birthday. We are redshirting our son for this reason and don’t care if he graduates high school at 19 as a result. I’m surprised 3rd graders won’t play tag….my children go to a private school with mixed aged classes and the 11 year olds still PLAY. (Yes I know this is rare nowadays which is why they go to this school /m- but children will stay children much longer than you think if adults and media don’t force them to grow up too soon). It sounds like she’s in a friend group that’s trying to act older than they are. I’d gently steer her away from these friends anyways. Does she have activities/friends outside of school? I had Girl Scouts and dance class and these were not full of kids from my school so this actually helped a lot. And sometimes being in a mixed age group is good because then she might naturally gravitate to kids her age.
Anonfor says
If you’ve lost the desire for gardening with DH post kids, did it ever come back? Since kid, pandemic, and chronic health issues, I’m just not feeling attracted to DH anymore. We still garden but it feels like another chore. He shared that he read something on the internet about how couples should make out every day and honestly that sounds gross to me. Especially because he suggested we do it during the morning rush when I am just trying to wake up and get out the door.
Anon says
I went through a drought and what made it come back was committing to doing it three times a week (I didn’t share this with DH to spare his feelings.) I had to ease into it with a good glass of wine and a reminder that this was for the good of my marriage and after a short time, I enjoyed it much more. I sometimes had to force myself to do it, but after a few weeks, the habit stuck, going on a few years now. And my marriage is noticeably stronger and we both feel more content (like macro level).
Anon says
+1 Maybe instead of full make out sess, aim for morning (or evening) cuddles? No expectation of gardening, but I think it’s important to maintain some physical connection. Even it’s is just snuggles.
Anon says
My rule is never do it when you don’t want to (no exceptions – and before anyone asks, been married 9 years and together for 17), but make sure you clear space in the schedule for opportunities at a time of day when it might work for you. Early mornings or late nights when I’m tired are no-gos, but keeping some time on the weekend free and also cultivating a relaxed and loving atmosphere can go far. Make windows to get in the mood but don’t force it.
Cb says
I wouldn’t do it in the morning rush, but when I’m feeling disconnected, I make a secret pledge to smooch in the kitchen, and it really helps with everything?
My husband had a more serious medical issue, and sensate focus therapy really made a huge difference in our sense of connection. We worked through it with a therapist but I feel like you could DIY.
Anon says
I find that it’s never appealing when my mental load is too high. I don’t see it as a way to de-stress, I just think about all the other things on my plate that aren’t getting done. My husband had a temporary but significant health issue that meant I had to do a lot more solo parenting and household management and my desire basically went to nil. I don’t think that’s unexpected and we’ve recovered as his health (and contributions) improved. I would still strongly urge you to keep making the effort to connect (maybe not daily morning make outs though) and see if you feel differently when you get a break from the other obligations and stresses in your life.
Anon says
+1 to all of this. I once told my husband that my biggest turn on is when he does the dishes. Fortunately he took that to heart! I also think when we’re in a drought, finding other way to connect – kissing, massage, or just hugging – helps maintain the connection and sometimes lead onto more, but that shouldn’t be the goal.
Anon says
Yep, nothing is a bigger turn-on than taking things off my plate so I can feel relaxed and loving and not stressed and overworked.
Clementine says
My husband realized that one of the best ways to encourage gardening was to finish the kitchen ‘close out’ activities (bonus is that he’s better at it too) and push me downstairs for my nightly workout and a shower.
When I was very stressed and we were going through a lot of life stuff, we basically dropped to maybe once every 2 weeks? But as the stress lifted, we also found our groove. It was probably 6 months.
anon says
yes. I have zero libido for the first 6 months after each kid, and 25% libido for another 6-12 months, but it always comes back (4 kids). I need a bunch of affectionate touch throughout the day to feel into it – not a full makeout sesh in the morning but a kiss on my neck, a bottom squeeze, a hug, a quick shoulder rub, etc, without expectation of it turning into anything more for awhile (and then eventually, it does).
FVNC says
I’ve always wondered how couples have children fewer than three years apart, because about a year at least after each of my kids, I really did not want to be intimate! My kids are now elem school aged, and although I’m still really tired almost all the time, husband and I have re-found a good rhythm that works for us. Physical connection is very important to my husband, so we do make time for snuggles in the morning between alarm snoozes, and other touches throughout the evening. Husband would for sure like higher frequency but I’m not there, and the other physical touches when we’re together help a bit.
Anon says
I’ve always wondered how people have Irish twins because there’s nothing I’d like less at 8 weeks postpartum (or worse — showing up to the 6-week check already pregnant! Like, what’s?!?!). But even though I don’t have my drive back we are intimate at least a couple times a month for the first couple years. It’s not like I’m repulsed by it, I just have no innate desire, but it is very important to my husband. So I psych myself up and 10 minutes later go to sleep, lol.
He really does a lot of heavy lifting in the baby and toddler years, in ways that speak my love language, so I want to be sure to reciprocate in his
Anon says
I think Irish twins is considered kind of an offensive term, fyi. But I agree with you on the sentiment.
Anon says
Maybe true…I’m Irish and Catholic and it’s used a lot in my circles!
Anon says
+1 to the recommendations above. I also started cultivating interests of my own outside of kids, marriage, and jobs. Having some success in areas of my life that are just MINE brought back some mojo. For me, it’s playing tennis with friends and reconnecting with a hobby from my youth.
Other things that helps me reconnect with other times in my life when I wasn’t responsible for quite so much or coming out of something heavy like COVID, which makes me feel younger and s3xier (mid 40s, 3 kids, married 18 years) — running the gamut from big lifts to little ones — having a second car that is not family friendly (I love driving a little car, top down, music blaring, makes me feel young and free); doing a full bedroom refresh with new covers/sheets/blankets/mattress topper (even better if you can seriously de-clutter and upgrade furniture); new clothes when I outgrow my old ones; listening to music that was popular when I first hooked up with my husband; date nights; and honestly, using a great v!brator solo like twice a week brings my drive way up.
When my mojo is up, I feel more able to connect, which leads to more fun interactions with my husband. But also, my H is a great partner in a busy, full life, and if he were not, none of those things that I do on my end would make me want to regularly make out with him.
Anonymous says
+1 for cultivating your own interests and having a partner who does the same. I find it so much easier to connect as individual adult people (instead of just co-parents) when we have something to talk about and be excited about that isn’t related to work, kids, or running the household.
Anon says
Yes, but it took a while. Nobody really talks about it but hormones take time to go back to “normal” postpartum and I was definitely on that postpartum > perimenopause cliff. There are things that can help, but non-medication options like sleeping more and exercising are hard to do with small children.
Anon says
Honestly? Only after I quit my stressful job and got more help around the house. I also bought myself some nice lingerie that makes me feel good.
Anonymous says
Semi-joking, but have you tried romantasy? I started getting into some of the books that are really popular right now (Sarah J Maas, Fourth Wing, etc) and a surprising side effect is that the “spice” has increased my interest in gardening.
Anon says
Outlander has done this for me
Anon says
Putting this here for OP and maybe it’ll help someone else reading.
Honestly, I had the reverse – I was interested and DH wasn’t after each kid, for different time periods, for different non-baby reasons/life things going on in the background. I felt so lonely because I felt like the trope is always that it is the male partner seeking the female partner in hetero relationships, but that wasn’t my case.
We eventually found our balance through (hard) communication and time. Find ways to connect and be honest that work for y’all, and then go from there.
Agree with all the posts regarding Irish twins!
Anonymous says
I had an issue where I was HIGHLY interested during pregnancy and DH was not at all after about 16 weeks. My hormones were just insane in that department. It was miserable and lonely!! Like you know at the end of pregnancy they say gardening can start labor…well DH absolutely refused. It was hard. But it’s well past us now.
Anonymous says
Mine was more directly related to breastfeeding/hormones. Our oldest is almost 5, we’ve been together 15yrs (married for almost 10) and we still garden 1-2x/week. I definitely am NOT in the mood a few days before my period. Do you always garden to…completion? The fact that our gardening is really good definitely motivates me to initiate. And yes on the romance novels or 50 shades or movies that put you in the mood. Some series I’ve liked for that factor are the After series movies, Through My Window Series (in Spanish but dubbed over with English), and Outlander of course.
Anon says
I am 5 months pregnant with my second and starting to think about what type of pump I want to get for this baby. I used the Spectra S1 with my first, and I am tempted to order it again through my insurance. I had no problems with it the first time around. However, I am tempted to go for the Willow Go or another wearable pump. These would cost more $, but part would be covered by insurance. I have heard that output isn’t as good with the wearable pumps. Can anyone vouch for a good wearable pump? Or should I stick with the Spectra S1? Thank you!
busybee says
I have the Willow Go and can vouch that output is not as good. It’s useful in a pinch or if I’m going out for dinner or something, but I would not use it as my primary pump.
anon says
I just got the medela version of the hands free, but haven’t tried it yet. If you post again in about two months I can report back! From appearances, it looks way easier than the old medela I used with the first two kids, and the portable battery pack was a reasonable size.
MNF says
Highly recommend the baby buddha with the freemie cups. I think I got from a review webs1te that someone posted here. Super strong – I get almost as much as my regular pump. It’s really helpful for pumping in public (e.g., I pumped while checking my 4 yo into ski school) and upright activity (driving, washing dishes, etc.), but you do have to be careful not to bend over. The cups have little holes at the top!
Former Junior Associate says
I used a Spectra with my first kid and used my insurance benefits to get an Elvie Stride with my second. I was glad to have the Stride, but as a supplement to the Spectra (which I’d kept and still worked well). Everyone is different, but it seems to be generally true that output isn’t as good with the wearable as the traditional model and I wouldn’t have wanted a wearable as my only pump.
I also am fairly confident, as someone who’s done two rounds of triple feeding, that if you end up in that boat, you’ll be able to use the Spectra; you’d likely need to rent a hospital grade pump if the only one you owned was a wearable.
Anon says
I had the elvie stride with #2 (spectra with #1) and would definitely get the stride or similar. It was so much easier and more comfortable, I could move around and wrangle my older kid while using it, and my output was fine. I believe (??) you have more or wider milk ducts with each pregnancy so you may see better output than last time just because you’re not a first timer. Spectras are so much easier to pick up for cheap/free if you no longer have yours and hate the wearable pump.
Anon says
I’m currently pumping for the second time around. I ended up going with a Spectra gold portable pump (less settings than the S1) but dual motors, as my insurance pump. Some of the wearables (ex. MomCozy.) have really come down in price compared to even just 2-3 years ago. So I prioritized having a fresh reliable more traditional pump and then dabble with a wearable pump or hack with collection cups for back-up.
For my previous breastfeeding experience, I did purchase a set of Elvie pumps out of pocket. And my output was so much less. So I’d be a little worried about relying on a wearable if the hours on your S1 are up there.
Anon says
How do I get started building a baby registry? I’m 13 weeks, and some family/close friends who we’ve told have started asking how they can help. I’m an older first time mom, 40, and this may be the only kiddo. I signed up at Target and Amazon and felt overwhelmed with all the choices…
Spirograph says
I hated building registries, and I really loved a lot of my off-registry gifts, especially ones from experienced parents. But the standard registry-building “rules” apply: have things at a range of price points, and a decent mix of practical and more nice-to-have/decorative.
I’d include:
– Clothes in sizes 3-12 months (babies grow at different rates, so I wouldn’t put anything extremely seasonal on there, more like onesies and basic cotton footie pjs)
– swaddle blankets (I had a ton of these, and used them for everything. the giant muslin ones from aden +anias were my favorites)
– Pacifiers
– baby washcloths
– baby nail clippers
– Diaper cream
– changing pad + a couple covers
– diaper caddy
– a crib mattress (and a crib, if you want a new one. I got a second-hand one, but still bought a new mattress)
– a few sets of crib sheets
– cool mist humidifier
– strollers (an umbrella one and also a “good” one)
– car seat & extra base if you have two cars
– a baby-wearing device of some sort
– a lamp and other decorations for the baby room
– diaper bag
An.On. says
I like Lucie’s List for a comprehensive rundown and recommendations.
Anona says
+1 on Lucie’s List. We followed their recommendations closely, and felt like we used pretty much everything we got (with the exception of the mechanical swing – should have gone with the Bjorn Bouncer, which we ended up borrowing from a friend).
By the end I had a ton of decision fatigue, and it was great to just have a narrowed down list of options to pick from.
Vicky Austin says
+1
Anon says
I irrationally loved researching baby gear. Like I wish I could have turned it into a side hustle lol. If you post a burner email I‘m happy to walk you through what I would put on a registry (I have a 2.5 yo and a 10 mo).
Anonymous says
Ask your most type A friend who has a kid to send you her registry list and just use that. Like 7 women I know have all used Ashley’s list.
Anon says
Having a tough few weeks with my 6.5 year old who has started becoming really defiant and refusing to do very normal things like get dressed or pick her up things off the floor when asked. We had to physically wrangle her into her clothes this morning like a toddler, although this isn’t just about getting ready for school and comes up in a variety of situations. It’s really frustrating my husband, who is generally a much more patient parent than I am.
I know she’s probably having some big feelings about the school year ending and her BFF going away for the whole summer, and we’re trying to be patient and make chores fun/silly, but it’s really hard when she’s looking right at us, smiling and saying “I don’t have to and you can’t make me.” We try to use natural consequences when possible (like if you don’t pick up your toys, your toys get taken away) but in many contexts there isn’t a natural consequence and I’m not sure what to do. It doesn’t seem like good parenting to just accept her refusal to do things we ask, but in most cases there’s no potential consequence that she cares about, except something arbitrary like taking away allowance, which I know you’re also not supposed to do. Any tips? How do you parent “gently” when your kid is being so openly defiant? My husband and I are exhausted; it feels like we have a 3 year old again.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Instead of consequences, can you create incentives like earning stickers that will eventually get her a prize? Or a reward for going through the morning routine motions? Yes, I know you’re not supposed to “bribe” for routine things, but our kids need some motivators too, especially around transitions!
Anon says
We take away privileges (in our kid’s case, screen time). I know that’s not Dr Becky approved, but it works for us.
Anonymous says
Same. Generally one night of taking away the nightly 25 minute Spidey and Friends gets the message across that we’re serious.
Anon says
I just finished 1-2-3 Magic and it seems like counting would have a place here.
Anon says
It’s been a while since I read that but I feel like the counting system only works if there’s a consequence at the end, right? And I’m struggling with what the consequence should be. Time out is not a deterrent since she is happy to sit quietly alone and in most cases would prefer that to whatever she’s being asked to do. It’s hard to come up with privileges to take away. She doesn’t really care about screen time. Potentially losing allowance money is the thing that seems to motivate her the most, but everything says don’t do that or you will give them bad financial habits. I sort of think there’s something to be said for “behave like a toddler, be treated like a toddler who doesn’t earn allowance” though.
anon says
You may need to be creative. For DS, we take away his tools. He’s 6. It sounds crazy. But, it is what he loves. So, instead of swear jar we have tool box. Another nutty one was putting his shoes outside when he refused to put them away — for whatever reason doing something so outside of the norm got the point across without arguing/bargaining/yelling. (We do use time-outs too but I agree, there are times where that means they get out of doing/helping with whatever so it doesn’t make sense) Often for this kiddo, being too tired or right before he shows symptoms of being sick he really acts out – but you’re saying this is weeks of issues so probably not that ( unless the brighter/longer days are interrupting sleep??)
Anon says
Thanks, I like the creative ideas.
I totally thought she was sick because this has been so out of character for her, but it’s lasted too long to be that. I think it might sadness and anxiety about the end of the year and especially the fact that her BFF/neighbor who she plays with every day will be gone for 2 months. But we’ve had some convos and brainstormed fun things about summer (ice cream, no homework, other friends we can invite over) and it doesn’t seem to be helping at all so maybe I’m reading too much into it. The K teacher did tell me a lot of the kids are crying at the drop of a hat right now though.
Anonymous says
Often for us it’s “I’ll have to help you comply,” such as carry them, take the object out of their hands, etc. Still sometimes have to do this with my 9 year old, although we now have privileges he actually cares about that we do sometimes take away (screen time).
Anonymous says
Time out isn’t an out. It’s a short quiet time to reset before you have to do the thing.
Anon says
But how does that help if the problem is the kid refusing to do something? They’ll just come back from the time out and refuse to do the thing again. If the kid doesn’t want to do the thing in question, “you have to go back to time out” isn’t much of a deterrent.
Time out seems more useful to me if the kid is disregulated and unable to control their behavior; the time out gives them a chance to get regulated and stop hitting/kicking/whatever other undesirable behavior they’re doing as a result of the disregulation. But in situations where a kid has made up their mind that they’re not going to clean their room or whatever, the time out isn’t a negative consequence because they’re getting exactly what they want — a delay in having to clean their room. Even if the cycle of coming and going from timeout repeats many times.
Anonymous says
The phrase ‘ we all have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes’ gets used a lot in our house.
Like school is non-negotiable so she can get dressed, get help with getting dressed or she can go to school in her pyjamas. Sometimes you might have to do the last one a few times. I just send the clothes in their book bag.
Routine help a lot and reducing decision making in time crunch situations by picking out all clothes for the week on Sunday.