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Puppy Teeth! says
Hi Friends!
starting the puppy thread early today. thanks for all your responses yesterday. I wasn’t able to get back to it during normal hours but it’s just so encouraging to know all of this is normal and it gets better! I appreciate the advice on not setting him up for major separation anxiety issues, too. tonight, he’s going to ride along with me for 3 different sport dropoff/pickup situations where he’s going to need to wait in the car for 5-10 minutes. we’ll see how it goes!
on the big dog front, ours is a black lab/great dane mix. he’s expected to be 100-180 pounds, which is a huge range. almost everyone who sees him comments on the size of his paws. accordingly, we are super cautious about the jumping up as well! we haven’t had major problems (yet). our command for that is “off”. if he’s trying to jump up on a person, we combine “off” with turning away and ignoring and are trying to help others learn to do the same. the other thing i am working on training him to is a command “bed”, where I expect him to go to his bed. it’s worked well in providing other behavior I want, but it’s certainly not foolproof.
relatedly, a friend is working on training her dogs to go to their crates when the doorbell rings which I think is brilliant.
Emma says
I was the one who mentioned separation anxiety. I realize your pup may not have the same issues as mine, but for mine, five minutes alone in the car was enough for him to panic-chew through my back seat belt (which was expensive to get fixed!) while howling enough that several people were considering calling the police by the time I got back from getting cash at the bank. As I said, my dog had a bad case of it so I’m probably overreacting, but if it’s your first time leaving him alone in the car, I recommend keeping it as short as possible. Frequent short absences are how the puppy learns that the humans always come back :)
Puppy Teeth! says
Thank you! My plan is to actually stay in sight of the car! I can step just inside the lobby of where I need to go and be able to see him and have him see me. That sounds wild.
Anonymous says
I would not leave a dog in the car for a single minute unless you want the inside of your car destroyed and/or some bystander to call the cops to liberate your pup. What’s wrong with leaving him home alone in his crate for a couple of hours? That is the safest and, training-wise, the correct thing to do.
Also, how is the dog restrained in the car so he doesn’t go flying and injure himself and humans in a sudden stop. He can be harnessed in a row where no people are sitting, or in the back of an SUV with a barrier. He should not be sitting in the same row as humans even if he’s harnessed.
Puppy Teeth! says
Thank you for reminding me why I have read here for years and if I ever posted, only did so under an anonymous handle. How did we get from an innocent chat to assumptions that I’m not crate training or that he’s sitting in the same row with humans? Let alone the fact that I said above, he won’t be out of my sight. And clearly this is regional because this is a very normal thing to do where I live.
I will go back to the land of internet obscurity now.
Anonymous says
Why? You shouldn’t be leaving him in the car unattended. He should be staying home for this period of time.
Puppy Teeth! says
Unfortunately, him staying home is not an option. Without going into detail, the options are leaving him home with my mom, who is not comfortable with or prepared for handling him, while she’s also with 1 of my kids and friends’ kids, or bringing him along. This is actually the best option. Believe me, I’d sort of rather keep him home but it’s not the best option, nor do I want to crate him and have everyone around while he sits in his crate.
Anonymous says
Well if you want a manageable dog, you need to crate train. If you want to foster separation anxiety you’ll cart him around everywhere. Put the crate in a separate room and close the door.
Puppy Teeth! says
I appreciate that! we don’t cart him everywhere. he is crate trained and in fact, we sleep on a separate floor from him. this is a one time thing as I am responsible for 5 kids tonight including getting everyone to practices at different times to help out a friend.
anon says
What’s the logic behind not having him crated while there are people around? I’m genuinely curious, because we have always done this with my family’s dogs (e.g. Gramma’s puppy goes in the crate when she and our toddlers need breaks from each other) and I didn’t realize it was a problem. The crate is their safe space.
Puppy Teeth! says
There’s probably nothing wrong with it! We are crate training and he would probably be fine in the crate with Grandma and kids around. I just think it would be more enjoyable for all of us, puppy included, for him to ride along.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ours feels big, but her expected adult weight is “only” up to 65 lbs, so not near yours!
Question – have you been brushing your dog’s teeth? We’ve slacked and haven’t, but are going to start soon. Any tips/best practices?
Grateful for this puppy support group :)
Puppy Teeth! says
Hi, BLE! :) We haven’t been brushing his teeth… I’ll follow right along with you.
Anon says
Um, we definitely don’t brush our dogs’ teeth… sorry pups. I give them dental chews sometimes?
Emma says
Yup, team dental chew over here. We tried brushing once and decided it wasn’t for us :)
Puppy Teeth! says
ha! we had a dog before and that was us. I thought we’d do better…
Anon says
I’m the one with a large golden retriever puppy. He’s 56 pounds, headed to 80 and over. I feel bad because he’s actually had to go stay at the (very nice and overpriced) kennel twice already this fall and will have to go after christmas too. But he seems to like it and it was very happy getting dropped off? He’s a super flexible love bug. He does not come to his name particularly well, but kind of shows up eventually which is just generally his MO. Trying to get him to do things with a little more urgency, but I love that he’s a chill dude.
As I’m sure others on this board feel, the biggest challenge is that at the end of the day our buckets are empty. School, kids, bedtime, and then we have to turn around and work on training a dog. So we just haven’t done it as much as we should. Since he has a great personality, it’s been okay, but I think long term we need to up our training.
Here’s my puppy question for other owners: with this mysterious dog flu going around, how are you changing your plans? Pup’s still going to the kennel after christmas, but he will do individual playtime not group. I’m getting him his flu booster today. I’ve stopped taking him to the dog park for now, although we have another dog at home so that was an easy move for us to make.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I hear you on the end of the day drain. That is the most stressful time for us, and kids are running around and puppy gets excited and starts nipping and then everyone is yelling and crying. I’ve often treated puppy as the baby/toddler of the house that I need my full attention on and my kids (5 and 7) generally play with each other in the other room and it’s calmer.
My husband was considering trying out boarding and then read about the dog flu/Covid! Our puppy just got her vaccines, so we’re going to do more walks but probably avoid dog parks for now.
Puppy Teeth! says
What BLE described is how our evenings work, too. I solo parent most evenings so we just do the best we can. Also, same as BLE. We’re doing our best and not actively being around tons of unknown dogs, but also not stressing too much.
Anon says
Golden owner again here, responding to your thread yesterday.
on mouthing, i find it annoying, but it’s not something I worry about as unsafe? I couldn’t tell how you viewed it. Ours mouths much less except when excited or he will totally mouth the kids hands when they are like… covered in peanut butter. Which is a whole other thing. I try to hand him a toy or treat to put in his mouth to distract or redirect him where I can.
on separation anxiety, we put him in his pen before anyone starts leaving in the morning so he’s sort of saying goodbye to all of us at once. usually with a kong or something to keep him a bit busy. it sounds like you aren’t using a crate (ours outgrew the hand me down one we had so we aren’t) but i think this kind of ties in with crate training – we take a similar approach. in the evening, i just try to make sure he’s around people and stimulated, and a car ride counts for that. I haven’t left him alone in the car yet though. but if I’m just doing carpool drop offs or pickups I’ll sometimes let him ride along. Our dog sometimes gets car sick, so if it’s a long drive or curvy or there will be a lot of traffic he has to stay home though!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our golden retriever puppy also hates the car as of now! She usually nervous pees too, which is fun to clean up, and sometimes refuses to get in. We usually leave her at home if we go somewhere, but never for more than a few hours.
Puppy Teeth! says
Definitely annoying, not unsafe. I just don’t want him to latch on to the kids and they can’t get him to let go. I’m a first time puppy owner here so this just wasn’t something I was aware of. Now I know!
We are actually crate training! He’s really good overnight and has been it it for up to 3 hours at a time when we leave the house. He finally goes in with no issue!
AIMS says
I don’t know if it’s just me but my kids have been so rude lately! Yelling, grunting, the whole nine, to simple questions and requests. Eventually I snap and yell back and then I feel like it’s my fault because I’ve created a “yelling” environment. Putting aside the mom guilt, how do we stop this? Kids are almost 6 and 8. Everyone is tired from long school days and busy schedules. I just don’t want to continue this so it becomes just how we are.
An example of how this comes up – yesterday, I pick up my kids from school, my son wants to go the park, I tell him why we can’t (as I am carrying two bags of groceries and their heavy backpacks like a pack mule), and he just starts shouting at me about how he isn’t going home and then proceeds to yell “stop it” at me when I try to say anything at all back. Eventually we make it home, I ask my daughter to do her homework and she proceeds to grunt and sigh and not do anything I ask and eventually we make it to dinner where for some reason she insists on eating noodles with her hands, while sitting with her legs practically on the table – this is from a child who used utensils even as a toddler. Every time we tell her to stop she just doubles down.
She also tells little fibs – that she washed her hands when she didn’t, sneaks candy she knows she isn’t supposed to eat in her room into her room, etc. I feel like I am just losing it all the time. I get that they’re testing boundaries and are tired but what’s the move here? Talking to them in the moment just results in roller eyes from her and yelling from him, and talking to them after when they’re more receptive gets a lot of “yes, mama,” but no actual changes. Is this just a phase?
AwayEmily says
Is it mostly concentrated right after school? My kids (5 and 7) are such pills for at least an hour after school. I have just substantially lowered my expectations for that hour. When I pick them up from after-school I don’t try to talk to them; I just put on a Harry Potter audiobook for the ride home, then give them a heavy snack immediately upon arriving home (yes, it sometimes ruins their dinner, but the resulting attitude change is worth it). And finally, while at other times I try to correct them when they are yelling/complaining/whatever, during that hour I ignore it completely as much as possible.
AIMS says
Most after school or in the morning when they are groggy, which makes sense. But I am starting to worry it’s spilling over into just how they talk to me and each other generally. This is good advice. My son actually yelled that at me yesterday – “just ignore me because I don’t want you to talk to me right now!”
Anonymous says
agree on lower expectations, but still keeping some boundaries. Like I will say, “That is not kind, please ask me nicely” but I won’t engage with the rudeness. Then when I do see good behavior I overpraise. “Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your snack with your brother! What a helper!” But I try to let it go that they are obnoxious and difficult, because it is a looooong day for a child and they’ve held it together well at school.
Also for me, separate the two gremlins immediately. Mine commit 3-6 minor felonies against each other in the first 20min we’re home if I don’t keep them apart. I have my younger one “help” with chores (makes him feel included) while I let the older one unwind w/ Legos or whatever. I am also super triggered by the name-calling to each other and so keeping them apart stops that behavior and keeps me from yelling at them.
but also LOL at the pack mule imagery and the requests to go the park. so much solidarity on that one.
AwayEmily says
YES totally on separating them. I do almost the exact same thing, including the chores — if I get even a whiff of potential conflict I send the 7yo upstairs to listen to an audiobook and task the 5yo with taking care of his toddler sister while I get dinner ready.
Anon says
This comment made me laugh out loud. Solid advice & glad I’m not alone here with the sibling minor felonies.
Anonymous says
I don’t have any advice but this really makes me feel less alone. Oldest (6.5) gives me so much attitude lately! Like my hands are full of lunch boxes and backpacks and I’ll ask him to grab his shoes that he’s taken off in the car and he yells “You can’t make me! I hate you!” I don’t know what to do other than say “you cannot speak to me that way” and do a repair when I yell. The 2 year olds now think it’s ok to yell. Then the oldest hits them for yelling. Then I yell more. It’s so frustrating. I hope someone has some strategies for us.
Anonymous says
I always repair the situation when I yell, I think that’s all you can do. I say that I was frustrated and angry, but that doesn’t make it ok to yell. I need to learn to keep my body and voice calm. I will try to do better and I love them.
Spirograph says
There was an article in WaPo yesterday, “How (and why) to stop yelling at your kids,” but I didn’t really see myself in it, and I see myself a lot in your post. My 2nd and 3rd graders ebb and flow with all of this, and 5th grader to a lesser extent. Kids are just infuriating sometimes.
I think it’s a combination of things — school age kids are getting antsy for winter break, days are shorter/dark is earlier and they’re not getting quite as much ruckus time outdoors with the neighbors, so the energy’s coming out in less-pleasant ways. There’s not enough outside of the grind of work/school-chores-repeat, and it’s wearing on us all. Winter break will be a reset, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. In the meantime, some kind of day trip on the weekend, or even just going for a hike seems to remind my kids how to act like civilized humans when they get home again. Maybe you can do something this weekend that feels like breaking out of the responsibilities rut?
Boston Legal Eagle says
My kids are also better outside. If anything, the yelling is less annoying/loud! Hiking is actually nice now with a 5 and 7 year old.
Anonymous says
Honestly ya gotta address the root problem- you are all busy and overwhelmed. So things like no, you don’t have two bags of groceries, because you get them delivered on a routine. And no, you don’t carry their back packs they are old enough to do that themselves.
If the problem is they are tired, you won’t fix it without getting them more rest.
anon says
This but I also disagree with the modern day trend that yelling is always bad. When I’ve asked to get their shoes on patiently 4 times, then i’m going to yell “get your shoes on” the 5th time. Our children aren’t so fragile that raising your voice is going to destroy their childhood and in my house, this happens multiple times a day particularly around bedtime when they move very slow, but I know if I don’t prod them along, it will result in terrible behavior in subsquent days. Belittling type screaming is unacceptable though. Also, know your kid, some kids are very sensitive and cant handle/dont need the yelling, but others need that push or theyll walk all over you. I try to be very self aware though.
Anon says
I agree that our kids won’t be broken by their parents acting human. But I’ve also noticed that if I’m telling my kids four times to get their shoes on, clearly there’s some breakdown and the method is not working. Maybe it’s because I’m calling it out as I walk by and they don’t hear me or are focused on something else they are finishing up (childhood tunnel vision). If my spouse calls for me to do something, I don’t always do it immediately if I have to quickly finish up what I’m doing or thinking about, for example. Kids have a different sense of hurry (esp with any neurodivergence thrown in).
If I need something to get down in a specific timeframe, it helps for me to either make sure I have their full attention and they acknowledge my request before moving on, or to physically accompany them to do it. It’s annoying, but less annoying than wasting 10 minutes and yelling!
Again, not critiquing you or your response, but sharing my experience…if you want to cut down yelling there *are* ways, but it may take some creative retooling of the routine
Anonymous says
my husband has trained my kids to do this thing he calls “Creature: Report.” Like, he yells “creatureeeee report!” up the stairs, and the kids are expected to come stand at the top of the stairs at attention. Then he gives them whatever instruction needed. They think it’s fun, and it helps get things done! (Yes, we are both veterans)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Anon 11:31 is that from Octonauts?! My kids used to watch that show all the time and I think they said it all the time there.
Anonymous says
It might be! My kids used to watch that show, so that must have laid the groundwork
Anonymous says
I unironically love that creature report song from Octonauts, so catchy. It’s also lowkey pro-science indoctrination which I love (usually the song is a lighthearted ditty about an adorable sea creature who is in peril due to warming oceans).
Spirograph says
+1, this was my issue with the WaPo article. Am I proud of raising my voice the 5th time I tell someone to get their shoes on because it’s time to go to school? no. But do I beat myself up over it? also no. It’s a totally different thing (to me) than the sort of screaming that would leave a kid cowering in fear.
Also, sometimes I have to raise my voice over the din in a 5-person house. so there’s that.
Anonymous says
+1
I got blasted on here yesterday for suggesting that getting a cleaner to come twice a month instead of once a month is not going to solve the overwhelmed problem, but that is just the truth of it. Same in this scenario. When I’m running on empty, I yell, and when my kids are running on empty, they misbehave. I was so so so frustrated with my kids all the time when we were too busy and I was working long hours and picking them up late. I found myself constantly screaming at them, and I hated it. Since I reduced my hours I’ve yelled maybe once.
Anon says
Respectfully, you were not blasted. Someone said they were just tired of being told the answer was “reduce your hours” or “quit your job” when feeling overwhelmed – that’s not an option and/or desire for everyone.
Comments like these can read like “If you want to be more patient, maybe stop working so much?” which…isn’t super helpful.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Haha, I’d probably yell at my kids more if I worked less and was around them more because I’d be annoyed by their annoyingness more!
Anonymous says
The thing is that it’s true. You can’t have everything–a demanding job, kids, AND infinite patience. There is no life hack to make you into a perfect robot.
Anon says
It’s reasonable to have a FT demanding job, kids, and be short on patience. Even more kudos if you are AWARE this may be the case for you and are trying find ways to manage/change things to be better.
It’s not reasonable to default to “Hmm, maybe you should work less” when someone expresses overwhelm/asks for suggestions on how to make life smoother/how they can do better for their family. Yes, that could be a solution longer-term, but maybe not the first one on the list while someone is already feeling flooded? That’s almost like telling someone who is struggling financially, “Have you thought about trying to make more money?”
Anonymous says
I don’t think “maybe you should work less” is any less reasonable than “just hire a cleaning service–everyone has one,” which is accepted all the time.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think it’s a phase known as childhood… sorry, that is not helpful, but I totally get it. It’s worse in some kids than others, and all of the outdoor play and right words in the world just doesn’t work for certain kids. I get this boundary testing from my older one all the time and have for the last few years whenever he’s stressing about something (that he can’t tell us about). I usually just ignore when he says he hates me or that I’m the worst, and say (or ideally would say), yes, I hear you, you’re mad/sad/etc. We’ve had to pick our battles with him. And I find doing silly games (that I normally hate) with him and both kids helps them then later to go through the “difficult” steps of bedtime, etc.
DLC says
Yeah, I feel this. My method is to not engage and walk away, which I’m not sure is healthy, but I do make it clear that I’m not engaging because they are being rude to me. I feel like my options are to lose my sh*t or walk away. Luckily, my kids are old enough that walking away isn’t going to get CPS called on me.
If it’s a phase, I want to know when it ends.… I mean I definitely behave like a surly teenager with my mother periodically….
FVNC says
Following all the responses, because our dynamic (with a 10 yr old and 6.5 yr old) is almost exactly the same, right down to 6 yr old yelling “Stop it!” at me!! Hoping it’s a phase, AIMS!
Anon says
this post really really resonates with me. i have two kindergartners who basically spend the morning and evening whining/yelling/grunting. it is SOOOOO unpleasant. i know for mine it is that they are tired. they have to be at school between 7:10-7:20am. i try to hold boundaries and remind htem to speak kindly. sometimes i do lose it and yell, but honestly, at least with my kids, that adds fuel to the fire and then they break down and sometimes in the morning we don’t have 20+ minutes for a sobbing meltdown, especially when I’m solo parenting. i do not know the solution, but if you find one, please report back bc Monday – Friday with my kids is pretty unpleasant these days.
anonn says
this whole thread is like a warm hug. afterschool is the worst, they bicker, are rude, mean etc. I agree less noise helps, snacks and separation. My older kid just needs to be alone for a bit so I try and get her there. One day I said a quick prayer in the parking of latchkey that she would be happy for once at pickup instead of a raging angry kid, and she was! so maybe try that too.
Anonymous says
yep, we’re all in it. I don’t think you can lifehack full time big jobs and young kids as someone said above – it’s just a lot, for everybody. Have grace for your kiddos and your self where you can. The context switching is really tough for me – I’ve literally had to go from firing someone to picking up my kids and hearing them argue about cheddar bunnies like 20min later. There’s no place for you to breathe for a minute and process anything. It’s no wonder we snap sometimes.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Yes! The code-switching is really tough for me, too.
Night training tips says
Any tips for night training son (3.5)? he’s been day trained for about 6 months now but we haven’t pushed night training. He has started waking up dry about every other day so we are going to give it a go. I know we will have to restrict liquids at a certain point before bed and husband suggested we put his training potty in his room if he needs to go at night. There is a bathroom about 15′ down the hall from him.
We already have a waterproof mattress cover.
AwayEmily says
I’m sure you will get some great advice on this — I know lots of people who have successfully night trained with very little effort. I just wanted to put out there that another option is just waiting til he stays dry on his own. It’s what our pediatrician recommended and we’ve done it with our two oldest now. Both of them started waking up dry at around 4.5/5, so we took off the pull-ups and they never had an accident since. I don’t know how true this is, but the doctor’s explanation was that something in their body just clicks at some point on its own.
Cb says
My son is 6 and sleeps like the dead so will occasionally wake up b/c he was wet/didn’t quite make it to the loo. We just do a zombie walk to the loo before we go to bed at 10 or so. I think with boys, sometimes it takes time for the hormones kick in.
Anonymous says
+1 to this. Night “training” is not really a thing; for most kids, it’s 100% biological and cannot or does not need to be trained. Training only comes into play for older kids whose bodies need help learning to recognize the signal and wake up. We waited to take away the night pull-ups until they were waking up dry, which naturally happened at around 4.5. It was effortless.
Anon says
I think this sounds very sensible from a parenting perspective, but I can’t help but cringe at all the extra garbage. I wish diapers and pull-ups were eco-friendly. Sigh.
Anonymous says
Well, how eco-friendly is it to wash all the bedding every night?
anon says
Can we bemoan the environmental impact of a million other things before we begrudge children who have yet to develop hormones for waking to pee the hygiene products they need?
I do a lot to support the environment, but I’m firmly against making anyone feel bad for needing hygiene products.
Anon says
There are cloth products. I’ve used them through three kids
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep, this. Older kid was dry at night at a little over 6 I think, younger kid was dry at closer to 3.5/4. Nothing we did, their bodies are just different.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Honestly, I just kept DS #1 in a pull-up at night. He was day-trained between 3-3.5, and done with pull-ups at night just shy of 5.
Going to start potty training for DS #2 after the holidays (he’ll be 3) and will plan to do the same.
AIMS says
We didn’t do anything and it was kind of just fine on its own? Potty in the room, mattress cover and that’s it. I think some of this just depends on your kid. I have two friends who have done all the things and their boys still wet the bed at 7 (and yea they have gotten medical checks, too).
octagon says
I’ve shared this before, but dream pee! Right before you go to bed, whenever that is, take him to the bathroom. If your kid is like mine, he will use the toilet but basically sleep through it and have no memory of going. We did that for 6-8 weeks before stopping, and only had a couple of accidents when we quit. It felt easier to think about making it 7-8 hours overnight at first, rather than a full 10-11.
Anon says
We did the dream pee too and it got us through the night. I go to bed on the later side, so I would take my kid into pee before I went to bed around midnight. I don’t know if it’s worth doing if you go to bed early and have to wake yourself up to do it.
I think there is a wide variety of responses from kids. My other two kids, though, figured it out on their own before they were 3.5. My best friend’s kid wore a night time pull up until she was 6.
Anon says
I don’t have tips because we haven’t done this yet, but I…wouldn’t bother? And am not bothering, myself? My daughter just turned 3 and has been day trained since just after 2.5. She generally wakes up dry 5 of 7 nights per week. She’s expressed a desire to wear undies at night and we told her we can try that when she goes 15 nights in a row dry. She’ll get there on her own time.
Anonymous says
+1. If I can get them day trained I’ll be happy. One of my twins just started STTN and honestly I can’t be bothered to night train: I’m sorry for the waste it causes but my sanity is worth it.
Anon says
Do you take precautions as if you’re pregnant in the two week period between TTC and your expected next period? I’ve heard from women who do it either way and curious what’s the norm.
Anonymous says
No and I’m sick of hearing that we should. Trying to get pregnant is stressful enough. Doctors are not out there saying this is essential it’s just anxious people spreading their anxiety to everyone else. Do you! If you want to needlessly restrict your life knock yourself out. But I want us to stop pretending it’s necessary or reasonable or important or makes you a better person.
anon says
THANK YOU. It is needlessly restrictive and if it takes a long time to conceive, well, it becomes very very life-limiting. Live your life until the stick turns pink.
Anon says
Some doctors are – mine recommended avoiding alcohol, X-rays, and certain medications the entire time of TTC.
Spirograph says
Precautions like what? Not drinking alcohol, microwaving deli meat, and avoiding soft cheeses? No, I definitely did not do any of that. When I was ttc/not-preventing I took a prenatal vitamin, but I didn’t change anything else until I actually knew I was pregnant. If I were going for X-rays I would probably answer yes to, “are you or might you be pregnant?” but I was prescribed and took codeine for a cough for a week before a positive pregnancy test, once…
Anon says
OP here and I was thinking primarily of alcohol and face creams with retinol – both optional/easy to just not use. I think listeria prevention is trickier because it can technically be in almost any food. I’m not sure you could be 100% thorough about preventing it even if you wanted to.
Anon says
I would give up the retinol. I feel like the official advice is to avoid it while TTC? But Google can probably give you the answer
Anonymous says
Those were the things I gave up completely while TTC because I was going to have to give them up anyway if TTC were successful. I didn’t worry about listeria while TTC and didn’t have to think about it while pregnant because I had hyperemesis and all of the risky foods made me throw up so I couldn’t eat them anyway.
Anon says
Not really. I did decline dental X-rays, and I wouldn’t binge drink, but I still had my cocktail on weekend evenings and drank coffee and lived normally. I also get positives on day 9 post ovulation, so it’s more like 1.5 weeks and baby is barely connected when I find out
Anonymous says
I did not. There’s a period of time before the egg even implants, but I don’t think it is the entire two weeks.
Anonymous says
even after it implants, there is a period of time where it’s not really getting ‘fed’ by your placenta. I really wouldn’t worry in the tww, but it’s a personal preference.
Anon says
I don’t think I did, other than not drinking excessively. If you’ve been TTC for a couple months I would carry on as normal.
anon says
No, and my doctor told me it was unnecessary to do so. Her advice was to take prenatals as soon as I started TTC and to reduce drinking bc there is evidence that drinking is not great for conceiving (but that abstaining entirely was not necessary).
Emma says
My doctor also said no, don’t worry. I was generally trying to be healthy-ish and take prenatals while TTC. But I did drink a bit around the estimated time of conception because it was DH’s birthday and we had champagne. Doctor said there was really no cause for concern. It takes a while for the embryo to connect to your bloodstream apparently, and that generally coincides with when you would take a pregnancy test and start taking all the required precautions, unless you have very irregular cycles.
Emma says
I also had a dental appointment with X-rays a week before I got a positive, and again, the doctor said it wasn’t a cause for concern and I have a healthy baby girl.
Spirograph says
This thing about the embryo taking a while to connect to your bloodstream is exactly what my OBGYN told me when I panicked about the codeine. That embryo is a very healthy 8 year old, now.
Anon says
I probably would have if TTC had gone on a while, because I was cautious about alcohol and pregnancy in general, but I happened to have a girls night out in the two week wait the first month and drank quite a bit (for me, several glasses of wine) because I figured there was no way I was pregnant already. I was. My OB was super reassuring and told me it’s not a big deal until baby shares your blood, which after you find out you’re pregnant. She was much more concerned about taking a vitamin for 6 months in advance to build up folic acid levels (which I had done) than abstaining in the two week window. The baby is now a healthy elementary schooler.
Anonymous says
I did years of fertility treatment and so was balancing living my life vs optimizing for pregnancy. I didn’t drink between for the 5 days before my period on the theory implantation could have occurred but I don’t drink frequently anyway so it wasn’t a burden. The few times I had a wedding or something in that window I tested early and drank bc it was negative. No other precautions.
Anon says
I did the first year I was trying but after that it was too depressing as a daily / hourly reminder (rather than just a monthly reminder) that I *might* be pregnant. Too stressful.
(To the other side of IVF with a 3 year old now … but those years of infertility sucked).
Screen-free music for bigger kids? says
My 10-year-old loves noodling around on Spotify on our phones to listen to music–he has pretty good taste! He is hopefully not getting his own phone for several years. What options are there for music players for kids that aren’t geared towards cheesy little kid music? If it matters, we don’t really worry about monitoring his listening too closely–he knows that he can’t say bad words even if Eminem does. I’d just like to have a music device that isn’t a phone/ipad. Thanks!
Anonymous says
I recently saw this on a kids’ gift guide:
https://www.amazon.com/Luoran-Bluetooth-Removable-Portable-Touchscreen/dp/B0BNB85SJV?ref_=ast_sto_dp
Cb says
Ooh that’s a great shout. We use an old broken ipad but this would be great for the bus/plane when my son just wants to veg. We had looked at Yoto etc but my son’s audiobook listening would bankrupt us.
Anon says
We have one very similar to this, which as far as I can tell is basically the same design as a phone, just with only music apps. My kids use it to play Spotify over the living room speakers or plug in their headphones.
We also will use a locked ipad with only Spotify accessible if both kids want to play music at once.
Anonymous says
So can they use spotify with this thing? Or do they have to download to the actual device?
This is EXACTLY what my 10 year old needs.
Anonymous says
It says it does Spotify!
Anonymous says
which one do you have?
Anonymous says
wait- so how (can?) the music be listened to, say, in the car? Do you have to download stuff (and if so how do you do that? is it paid)? We have amazon music and spotify but isn’t all of that streamed vs local?
Anonymous says
You can download for offline listening with a paid Spotify account.
Spirograph says
If you’re not opposed to smartspeakers, that seems like the easiest choice. Or if you have an old phone, you can connect it to the wifi even if it doesn’t have a cell/data plan and set up your spotify account on that, and just delete all the other apps.
Semi-related since it’s not music, but my daughter discovered kid audiobooks at the library recently! They come pre-loaded on a little battery-operated player thing, all she needs is headphones. She is obsessed.
AwayEmily says
I know you said “no phone,” but what if you used an old phone and took everything off it except Spotify? Or you could password-lock all the non-Spotify apps.
Anonymous says
FWIW you can’t take off internet browsing. We let my kid use an old phone for this and it’s just really tempting. You can take wifi off, but then you can’t connect to spotify.
AwayEmily says
But can’t you make the browser app password-protected? we did that on one of our old phones.
Clementine says
Honestly, our kid uses Alexa for this. He has one in his room and it’s used for audiobooks and music.
Ya know, sometimes you want to come home, close your door and listen to ‘Thunderstruck’ and ‘TNT’ (kid enjoys AC/DC) followed by some Harry Potter audiobook and legos. Kid is 8.
DLC says
Our 12 year old has a CD player and we buy her CDs or check them out from the library.
She also listens to music and audiobooks via her Chromebook.
Clementine says
I am being vulnerable here so please be kind (don’t just tell me to divorce him because that actually doesn’t fix the problem which is that we want more of Dad around, not less).
As I’ve said on here over the years, husband’s job is something he loves but is very hard on our family. As the kids get older, it’s easier physically but harder emotionally/mentally for them. Last night, I actually sent him job postings for jobs which would be easier on us, including one which he would be a really great fit for… but also I don’t want to be the person who made him quit the job he loved for a job that makes him miserable.
I don’t think I’m asking for advice, but if you could send just good vibes? Marriage is hard.
Cb says
Oof, that is so, so hard! Just commiserations.
I was the one with the high travel job (but obviously not nearly at the volume of your husband) and I took the “easier” job and it’s been a rough transition/I honestly kind of hate it but I keep reminding myself that in a year, I’ll probably be settled and happier?
And if not, I’m focusing on research so I can move again in 4 years.
Anonymous says
It’s great he loves his job. But his job doesn’t t love him. And when his kids are grown and he’s missed out, if he’s as great a guy as you insist he is, he’ll regret it. It’s ok to be honest with your spouse that he’s choosing this job over you, over your marriage, over your kids, and ask him to find something else.
Emma says
Oof, that’s hard. I know this isn’t comparable (I think your husband is gone for several weeks in a row) but my husband has a job with a ridiculously long commute. He really likes his job and is well compensated, but I’ve seen job postings for places literally minutes from our home and have casually dropped those in conversation, and he wasn’t interested and I’m a little frustrated because he could be so much more hands on if he was closer. So no advice, but commiseration! Marriage is definitely hard.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I know you didn’t ask for advice but I’m going to throw it out anyway – how do you know he’ll hate a better/easier job? It sounds like his current job is making you miserable! When you have a family, you get to decide as a family unit, which may result in a less than ideal job according to one person. I think it matters to as to whether this job is so much better financially than others, or is for some larger purpose (I’m thinking surgeon or Doctors without Borders or something).
But also, yes, deciding as a team, especially with kids involved, is so so much harder in some ways than if you just had yourself to care for.
Anonymous says
Right. He’s had this job for ages. When do you and your kids get to come first?
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Big hug. I get it. Sending all the good vibes. And yes, marriage is probably one of the most rewarding and hardest things I’ve ever done.
FVNC says
I (sorta) get it. My husband has a job that also makes life more difficult than needed for our family (frequent relocations, travel-heavy periods, etc.). Husband is also very passionate about his mission-oriented work, whereas my job is just a job. Over the next few weeks, we’ll know whether husband has to take a 2-year position about 5 hours away from the rest of us (we’re not moving again), so we’d see him on some weekends only. If that happens, it’s gonna stink, but, it’s what our family will do for a lot of reasons. And then he’s done, and will tr_nsition to something more stable. So…not the same as your situation since we generally get to see and talk to husband/dad when he’s away, but I definitely have related to your posts over the years and am sending good vibes your way!!
Anonymous says
Why? This is just crazy to me. He loves his mission so much he’s cool dumping all the parenting on you for two years and practically never seeing his kids? But then after those two years he will give it up?
Ladies you have worth and value too!
Anonymous says
Sounds like he is in the military and planning to retire? If so, he doesn’t really have much choice about the assignment.
FVNC says
Yes, anon at 12:30 is correct. Of course it’s crazy, but welcome to the life of a military family.
Anon says
I want to send good vibes, but honestly, if he wanted to see you and the kids more, he would. It sounds like he doesn’t want to. My best friend’s husband is the same. He took a low-paying, dead-end job an hour away from their home that requires him to leave the house at 5 am every day. It does not work with their schedule, it does not work for their family, it does not benefit their income or his career (literally, the cost of gas is almost equal to his salary), and he still won’t quit because he doesn’t want to. Does your husband want to?
Anon says
This. It’s a tough truth, but I think you need to grapple with this.
Anon says
this is not even close to comparable. the OP’s DH does not have a low paying dead end job. your bf’s husband sounds absurd
Anon says
Even if it’s not a dead end job, it’s still a choice to be away from his family so much. I don’t believe there’s no local job he could do that wouldn’t make him miserable.
Anon says
Well, I included those details because I hate the guy and am being petty, but the fact about how he won’t change for the good of the family because he doesn’t want to still stands IMO. It’s not like he’s unaware of what he’s doing and I doubt Clementine’s husband is either.
Anonymous says
Honestly also the fact that he cannot speak to you guys for weeks/months at a time is crazy. And you’ve put up with it for years too long. I don’t think you should divorce him but I do think you should tell him it is time, enough is enough, and in 2024 he needs to find a normal job.
Anon says
I think it’s completely fine to encourage him to take a job that will be better for the family, including in counseling if necessary. I’m a cold-hearted b1tch I guess, but I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for my husband’s academic career and the condition of those sacrifices was that he had to make things as smooth as possible for us. Which in our case meant not applying internationally (even though many good jobs in his niche are overseas), not applying in the rural deep south where I didn’t think I could live and not uprooting us again once he got his tenure-track job (unless he was denied tenure). He is tenured now and has been quite successful, and could likely get a better-paying job at a more prestigious university if he was willing to move, but he recognizes that it’s unreasonable to make his family move again when he has a perfectly satisfactory job at home. Part of being married and having kids is putting your family first sometimes. It doesn’t mean you have to be miserable in your career, but it means maybe you don’t get to chase one particular dream job.
Anonymous says
I don’t have specific advice here but my father traveled for work very extensively starting when I was in middle school and my brother was in elementary and we are very close with our dad, and were growing up. He would sometimes travel abroad for months at a time, and was regularly away during the week within the US – like 60% travel. We did not resent him growing up and in many ways his travel opened doors for us – as we got older he would use his points to fly us over to visit him and we’d sight see while he worked, then we’d go out to dinner and do weekend tourist activities together. My parents were also open about the financial benefits to our family that allowed them to pay for us to go to college, etc.
I don’t recall the specifics of your husbands job but sometimes the problem is less the job and more the behavior when not on the job. My dad really leaned in when he was home – taking us to all activities, grocery shopping, making lunches, doing laundry, things to make my moms life easier and to spend time with us. It may be worth exploring if he is able to maximize his time home to get more kid time in.
EP-er says
I was coming here with personal experience as a child, too. My dad took a big job and traveled all the time. At the time, it didn’t matter — mom was there to feed and physically take care of us. But as an adult looking back — it wasn’t what I wanted for my kids. My relationship with my dad is cordial & obligatory, but not deep. (and actually the same with my mom — emotionally they weren’t there for us. Is that because it was the 70s & 80s? Maybe…) They didn’t come to any of my school events (sporting/academic/honors/etc). because he was gone. He didn’t choose to spend time with us. I totally understand it, but didn’t want to replicate it.
It is a little different, because when your DH is home, he is engaged and really home. But as my children get older, I find that it is less physically hard, but so emotionally hard to support them. Only you can know what works for your family… but the time is short with the kids. How many more holidays/summers do you have before they are adults? Is there a way for your DH to step back for a few years, then return when the kids are off to college? Sincerely wishing you the best as you figure this out….
Anonymous says
Hm yeh I’m in a similar situation. DH has a “big job” that comes with big pay, and is in the reserves to boot (and has been deployed overseas before). We’re honest about why daddy does what he does and the financial benefits coming from it. I take care of everything at home so he’s all in as a dad whenever he’s home. It works for us.
OOO says
I’m so sorry, Clementine. It’s mentioned here so often that I am sure you have heard it before, but have you tried couples therapy? It always helps to have a neutral third party let either of you (i.e. DH) know that you are (he is) being unreasonable.
When your husband is at home, do the kids have his full attention? Is he listening to them, talking to them, helping with homework, doing fun activities, and showing up to their events? Because it may be about quality rather than quantity of time. There are fathers who work a regular 40 hours/week but are inattentive fathers. Or is he working from home when not in the office/workplace? My DH was like this before we had our kid – a total workaholic. He has ADHD and hyperfocuses on work. When our kid arrived he kind of reset and stopped working after 5 pm most days, I think because he realized these years when our child is young go by quickly.
I am curious about your husband’s relationship to his own father. Was his father around? Did he prioritize work over family? How about your father? In Michelle Obama’s first book she talks about the toll Barack’s job had on their marriage and family when he was a state senator and spent half the week in Springfield, IL. Barack’s own father and other relatives lived in different states and countries, but he still knew they loved him. That of course was very different from Michelle’s childhood where her parents were always around and very attentive. So they had different images of parenthood that they had to reconcile. Marriage is hard, but I think you and DH will be able to find a solution that works for your family. Hugs!
Clementine says
to reply to you and the previous poster: when he is home is 100% engaged with the kids and does 90% of the housework. That’s (candidly) why it isn’t a total dealbreaker for me.
And his dad was around a lot and really prioritized family time. MY FIL is still a good dad. He did struggle with the work bureaucracy and husband intentionally chose a field where he would avoid some of these issues. It’s a big thing for my husband to never have to work when he’s off, so that’s something positive about his job.
OOO says
If he is present when he is at home then that’s great. If he wasn’t then that would be a completely different issue. Thanks for being vulnerable. Sending all the good vibes to you from this internet stranger!
Anonymous says
I am guessing that he entered the marriage already established in this career so he assumes he can just carry on without any joint decision-making. It is, however, perfectly reasonable to renegotiate career plans after the family’s circumstances have changed. You now have kids. There is no way that either of you could have known before having kids what the demands would really be like and what you would be willing and able to tolerate.
Consider, though, whether the problem is his job or his expectations of you. Solo parenting with a nanny and a housekeeper, for example, is very different from solo parenting without hired help. From your earlier posts, it sounds like he is quite demanding in terms of your parenting and housekeeping, like he expected you to make the kids put away their school bags in their bedrooms instead of investing in creating a drop zone near the door.
Finally, if he were home all the time, would he really make your life easier, or would he just be another person making messes and demands? For some couples, living apart some of the time is beneficial to the marriage because it gives both partners their own space and makes the “together” times more special.
Clementine says
Hah – I’ll never live that one down with the drop zone, will I. I could say it another way: My solution to clutter is often ‘more thoughtful space’ while his is ‘less stuff’. Both of us are right and meeting in the middle gave us a good solution.
And to answer: Yes, I solo parent with a lot of help. Again, there’s a reason this isn’t a dealbreaker.
Hi says
I would not tolerate taking on the burden of parenting solely because my husband loves his job. That’s just not justification enough, if there are better opportunities within reach. There needs to be a clear benefit to the family, as whole, in order for one parent to be absent. If not, he’s just a bit of a…deadbeat. And I would assume this impacts your own career and personal hobbies in some way. I think you just have to have a come to Jesus talk with this man.
Spirograph says
Good vibes from me. My husband has gone through periods of having a job he — if not loves, at least is energized by, and a job that is draining. He is a much better parent and partner when he feels fulfilled by something outside of home (and honestly, so am I… I just don’t try to get that from work). So it’s not nothing that your husband loves his job, even though it does have some negative ramifications on family life. Is his current job something that he could get back to if he detoured to one that gave him the ability to be present more often? Like someone else said, there’s no guarantee he’d dislike a less demanding job, and it’s certainly worth a conversation & some consideration of whether to give it a shot. What was his reaction to the posting you sent him?
Clementine says
His reaction wasn’t negative. He is reading it and exploring the companies. One job in particular (which would still involve travel but regional vs. international and shorter trips vs. months) which I thought he was a great fit for is ‘interesting’ to him.
That’s still not an ‘oh absolutely’ and I don’t want to get my hopes up. Honestly, it’s why I didn’t tell anyone in real life and just blurted on here.
Anonymous says
But. Can you not say “no no, I expect you to seriously consider this and try to make it work”.
Anonymous says
I think what jumps out to me is there apparently are other normal jobs related to his field that aren’t his crazy one! Seems like a slam dunk option to me.
Anonymous says
I don’t really have any advice, but I hope you figure it out, Clementine. It’s not as bad here as on the main site, and I get tired of all the DTMFA comments. Can I be frustrated by my circumstances AND remain committed to the relationship?
AwayEmily says
Good vibes very much sent. It sounds like both of you are trying to figure out an objectively tough situation and I hope you figure out something that works for both of you!
Anon says
Do anyone else’s kids get unrestricted computer time at school and do you have strategies for managing it or talking to the school about it? We’re in a 1:1 district so kids get laptops starting in K. I’m not objecting to the educational(ish) apps being used during the day, since I know that’s a lost cause, but my 1st grader has been told to have free time on her computer anytime she finishes her work before the rest of the class, which results in playing a lot of random games. We have told her she can’t do some of the things her classmates do (like play Among Us), but she gets really sucked into some of the flash games and then has a hard time getting regulated again to participate in class.
The devices are all managed by the school system, so we can’t allowlist only certain pages or even block any, and district filter isn’t very strong.
Anonymous says
No. You need to talk to the teacher about this.
Anon says
Ours is pretty similar and we have handled it by encouraging our son (8, 2nd grade), to make different choices, like read a book or draw. It’s working pretty well but he’s also pretty sensitive to being anti-too-much-device time. In his case, it’s iPads and we’ve drilled into his head that mom and dad aren’t on our phones all the time, and the iPad needs to be treated the same way. We did reach out to the school IT department once and got zero response. Same thing – weak filters, no transparency.
Anon says
No advice but boy, that’s depressing. I increasingly feel like so much of technology was a mistake.
Anon says
I don’t really have a clear picture of how our school does screen time, but the parts that come out in drips and drabs is depressing… “We had the choice to have extra recess or stay and watch YouTube so I watched YouTube.” “So-and-so searched this and it brought up pictures of bathing suits and now he’s flagged.” “Every day during dismissal we watch PBS kids”…. And yes my kid has also had “free time” on the computer when he finishes work.
I work so hard to be screen free at home for most of the week, and yet I have a feeling my kids are still getting hours each day
Anonymous says
Isn’t this on the teacher to manage? If you are giving a 1st grader a laptop, certainly the teacher should be setting expectations and know how to deal with helping the kids regulate their use of the tools.
FWIW our district is 1:1 starting in 2nd but they are tools to use at certain times, not whenever they are free time.
Anonymous says
It sounds like the teacher is the problem, though. Instead of coming up with enrichment activities to do when kids finish early, she just tells them to play on the laptops.
Anonymous says
Yeh I’m sorry but What the fudge with this? There are PLENTY of free worksheets or games (this is what word searches are for! Or where’s Waldo!) that kids can do when they finish their work early. This teacher is phoning it in and it’s depressing.
OOO says
I recently joined our Parent Advisory Committee at our preschool, and we are planning a Teacher Appreciation Brunch before the holidays. Anyone have tips on planning these types of brunches? We usually send out a SignUp Genius for parents to sign up for food to bring, and then they drop the food off in the event room when they drop off their child in the morning. I think this time we will also have an option for parents to donate cash instead so we can purchase any remaining items. The preschool director will go to each classroom and watch the kids while the teachers grab food from the event room. I feel like there must be a better way to do this. When do the teachers have time to eat? Is the food cold by the time they have a chance to eat? Wouldn’t lunch be better instead? Would it be better to have parents bring food the day before and then we reheat the food in the morning so the teachers can grab food before school starts? We also provide lunch on the in-service day, which works well because teachers actually have time to eat, but that isn’t until February. Would love to hear how you do this at your schools!
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t do this! I would collect cash to order delivery.
still grateful to the parents who ran the holiday gift fund says
+1 that I wouldn’t do this. However, rather than delivery, I’d just give cash to the teachers. In my experience, teachers would much prefer cash they can do what they want with than a brunch that they have to scarf down.
Parents also love being able to just send cash to a fellow parent, who adds everything up and gives every teacher their share of the cash. It’s way nicer than trying to figure out what to give teachers and how much is appropriate to spend and way nicer for the teachers than 15 Starbucks gifts cards and mugs.
Anonymous says
I’ve done this for our elementary school and my kids’ PK a few times.
First, it is not universally true that teachers prefer cash. Our preschool is in a very upper class town. Most of the PK teachers at the school my kids went to are former SAHMs that work at the preschool a few hours each week (12-20) as a thing to keep busy now that their kids are in school. They are in it for the camaraderie, hanging out with the little kids, etc, and they LOVE these luncheons. Giving them $25 is…not in the spirit of what they want.
Our elementary school does a variety of things and breakfast/lunch is just one of many things. Our school does a gift card tree that includes gift certificate to one of several local “we cook for you” type places, target, amazon, gas, grocery etc. and teachers and staff choose one. We also do a holiday cookie thing where families bring in made or bought baked goods and teachers/staff make take-home boxes. I have a family member and two friends that work at the school and they LIVE for this event (“all the cookies, none of the work!”). Teachers also get gifts from the classes (pooled money, one large gift, usually a Thing + useful gift card within district guidelines).
Logistically, you should have the food dropped off during dropoff and then served as a lunch during the teachers’ lunch break. Do a SignUpGenius for specific items and also do a donation option, and plan for items that work for this: salads, drinks, etc. Use the donation money for the hot items or items like a sandwich tray from Panera.
If you are set on breakfast, don’t do hot things: bagels, cream cheese, a box of Joe from dunkin, muffins/pastries, fruit, fruit salad.
NYCer says
Our preschool does this, but it is a luncheon. All the kids leave at 12:15 that day, and the party for the teachers starts at 12:30. Note that this is a traditional preschool, not a daycare, so at most a kid is leaving 2.5 hours early on the day of the teacher’s appreciation luncheon (and many classes are only half-day mornings, so they aren’t even leaving early).
If this isn’t an option, I would try to set it up as a breakfast before the day starts for the teachers.
Fluffy says
Can I safely get a round pedestal-style dining table for my kitchen with 2 toddlers? Love the look versus a four-legged design, but worried about tip-over and stability with the gremlins yanking on it.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t do this
Spirograph says
It depends on the table. We have a round pedestal table, but the kind that has 4 sturdy legs, not just a slightly flared round base. It’s solid wood and super heavy / sturdy; there’s no way a 2 year old could yank it over. I don’t love when my big kids lean heavily on one side, but I’m not worried it would actually tip.
Spirograph says
I didn’t describe that very well. There are 4 big “feet” that flare out from the center pedestal. so if you drew a circle around them at the base, it’s probably 1/2 to 2/3 the total table diameter. It’s annoying to vacuum around and annoying to situate 5 chairs around, but it’s sturdy!
Anon says
What do you do about holiday gifts for elementary teachers? Our school does a giving tree thing where parents can buy certain items that are raffled off to staff, and I’ve contributed to a PTA fundraiser that supports staff appreciation (among other things) but should we also be giving something directly to the classroom teacher?
anon says
A room parent generally collects money and gives a class gift, generally a gift card to something like Target where there are a lot of choices. I don’t give a gift beyond this, unless my child wants to make something.
Anon says
We don’t have a room parent!! I’m not really sure why – they asked for volunteers and me and another mom I know both volunteered, but nothing ever came of it. I don’t even have any contact info for the other parents, except for a handful I already knew or have met outside of school.
Spirograph says
I am a room parent for one kid’s class, but we are explicitly not allowed to collect for class gifts at our public school. This is almost certainly because there’s a wide range of economic situations among the student body, but my intro email was required to specifically state that gift-giving is personal and we will not be doing any class gifts. There’s also a district policy that prohibits gifting items to individuals that are worth over a certain amount, both for one-time gifts and cumulatively throughout the year. The school coordinates collecting each teacher and staff member’s “favorite things,” though, and we disseminate that so everyone knows what the teacher’s favorite treat or “way to spend $15” is.
As for the original question — we bake cookies and add wrapped treats like hershey kisses make little festive treat bags for teachers (and specials teachers, and a big one for the administrative staff to leave at the front office). Plus my kids usually write a card for their classroom teacher. We also contribute generously throughout the year to “classroom supplies” like cleaning wipes, kleenex, dry erase markers, crayons, etc that often come out of the teacher’s pocket.
Anon says
I give $25 to classroom teachers; $10 to specials and other important teachers, like band (signed by both my kids, not $10 each); and $10-20 for the bus driver. This is public school so we don’t have huge fees, the teachers are overworked and underpaid, and I consider this the least I can do. If I’m honest, our teachers are more important to our every day life than many of the other people on my holiday gift list!
Anonymous says
I am the room parent for one of my kids and have been for years now. We do a collection from the entire class in November and use that money for holidays, teacher appreciation week and end of year gifts. Suggested amount is $20-$25, but I’ve had people give me $0, $10, $50– all over the map. The card is from the entire class so it doesn’t leave out anyone who doesn’t contribute.
If you don’t have a room parent, become it- just send a mass email. if you give the teacher or one of the admins (in our case it’s the office manager not the principal) a heads up you’ll likely happily be given contact info. In our school it’s a distribution list so it can be blinded for privacy reasons.
Anonymous says
Oh, and I usually do a physical gift like a floral arrangement, plant, etc + food + a gift card up to the max allowed by our district. Any surplus is gifted as a gift card to Amazon “for classroom use”
Our district has a $150 cap on teacher gifts but no cap on gifts of funds to be used toward the classroom.
Our 4th grade teacher is getting a small plant, a basket of gourmet coffee and dark chocolate (her faves), and $75 to Target. She’ll get another $100 to Amazon “for classroom use”. We’ll do a bouquet of flowers for teacher appreciation week and an end of year gift similar to the holiday one but likely beach themed as she has a summer house on the beach.
Anonymous says
I’m so confused by this raffle. The gift for the teacher is getting to buy something? I must be missing something
Anon says
The parents buy a bunch of prizes and then they give them away to teachers randomly, like each day they draw names and the teachers whose names got drawn that day get a prize. But I’m not sure everyone gets something, and I assume a lot of people get something they don’t care about. And the prizes vary dramatically in quality, like $50 spa gift certificates vs. candy. It seems kind of dumb to me, but they asked parents to contribute so we did.