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AwayEmily says
PSA: get your flu shot if you haven’t already! My 9-month-old just came down with one of the first reported cases in our county…the season has begun.
(He had had his flu shot but only a week before at his 9-month checkup…but I’m still convinced the shot is making it a less serious case; he is uncomfortable but not in awful shape).
Anon says
Hope he feels better soon :(!
Anonanonanon says
Oh no poor baby. How scary!
I got the flu despite getting the shot last year (as did many others) and having the shot and tamiflu definitely made it less miserable than it would have been otherwise. My baby had the first round of the shot about 3 weeks ago, counting down the days until shot number 2!
Anonymous says
Oh no!! My 8 month old just got her second dose and we’re in the two week waiting period for immunity. Fingers crossed your little one feels better soon!
Mama Llama says
Thanks for the reminder – I just made an appointment to get one in my employer’s health clinic. I hope your baby feels better soon!
EB0220 says
Oh no! Poor thing. My company has a flu shot clinic at the end of Sep/beginning of Oct so we all got ours. My oldest got the flu last year and it was bad…but not terrible.
GCA says
Oh no! Hope he feels better soon.
Milk! says
My almost 13 month old is in the transition process from the baby to toddler room at daycare. She has a 5 oz cup of milk at 11am and 3pm in the baby room. In the toddler room, she has an unknown quantity of milk at breakfast and lunch. I asked for an idea for how they give the kids and was told “this much” (hand guesture)…looked to be around 2-3 oz. I asked the teacher if she could write if my daughter is drinking “all” or “some” and she seemed okay with that.
I guess my question is…should I be okay with not knowing the exact amount of milk each day? Coming from baby land, I knew exactly what was happening and now I feel like I have no idea.
For reference, my daughter has 5 oz when she wakes up and before bed, but we may up those to 6 oz since it seems like shes getting less during the day.
AwayEmily says
I had a similar question at that age and my pediatrician told me not to worry about how much milk she was getting. Basically, he said that if I kept providing her with healthy choices she would get the nutrition she needed. We actually asked daycare to stop giving her milk entirely and give her water instead when she turned 18 months. Milk was a bit constipating for her, plus i think it was hurting her appetite for actual food. So now we keep it to ~5 oz at night before toothbrushing. She has yogurt every morning for breakfast and ungodly amounts of cheese.
Anonanonanon says
I could be entirely off-base, because I have a young baby and a middle-of-elementary-school child, but I really don’t remember tracking, or even being advised to track, milk consumption once my child was off of Bmilk/formula and on to cow’s milk. I know it’s important when they’re infants, but I really don’t recall ever having to keep track after that. Especially since they use cups not bottles and it’s more difficult to measure.
I think it’s reasonable to ask for a general idea of if they’re drinking or not, but I think once they’re out of infancy they don’t count ounces so closely.
Knope says
Unless your child is having weight gain issues, it’s perfectly fine to let go of tracking how much milk she’s drinking. Most children are really good at gauging when they are hungry or thirsty, so as long as daycare is offering plenty of liquids and healthy food, she will be fine! I’d probably ask daycare to tell you if she didn’t eat or hardly ate a meal on a particular day just to make sure she isn’t sick, but that’s about it. FWIW it was definitely a big transition to let go of meticulously tracking my child’s intake when he turned 1 since I had gotten so used to it, but now at 20 months he is thriving by eating/drinking however much he feels like he needs on a given day.
More Sleep says
Helpful post! DS will be 1 in a few weeks and I’m in the same situation. :)
SC says
+1 that you probably don’t need to track after 1. But I’ll add that I sympathize with you. I’ve found transitions through daycare classes a bit jarring because in each class, we get less information. In the 1-year-old room, we were told how long Kiddo napped, how much he ate (none, some, all), and whether he went #2. Now, in the 3-year-old classroom, we see check marks for nap and lunch. You get used to it, but for the first week or so, I’m always like, “Yeah, but how do I KNOW if he pooped?!”
Anonymous says
+ 1 million!!!
Anon says
I don’t track milk for my 15 month old as she does not have weight concerns (either up or down), except to make sure she’s not drinking more than 24 oz a day, which the ped said north of that can impede iron absorption.
EB0220 says
Haha, having children is a continuous process of getting less and less information! From “they drank 12 oz and had 2 dirty diapers” to “we’ll robo-call you at 6 pm if your kid was absent from school today.” I wouldn’t worry about tracking as others have mentioned. I assume they are providing the milk? If you really want to know maybe you could provide the milk in a cup and ask them to return the cup at the end of the day.
Pogo says
This is reassuring me that it’s not the end of the world if LO drinks less when using a sippy cup. We’re trying to get off bottles (15 mos) and he drinks less with the sippy than bottles, and I was of course worried about how much. But if no one else is tracking milk consumption after 1 year, why should I!
J says
Part of it, for both kids and adults, is just the transition from “milk is the only nutrition” to “milk is a beverage”.
Anonanonanon says
All of my comments since the page re-design go into moderation :(
J says
Mine take 2-3 minutes to pop up. I just went through and commented on multiple threads. When it updated after accepting the comment, it wasn’t there. But then the next time it refreshed for the next new comment, the first would would be there. And so on.
Anon says
I’ve noticed that if I try to collapse all comments at the top, then I lose the option to expand each comment thread that I’m interested in. I either have to have them all expanded or all collapsed. It works on the main site, but not here.
Anon says
Same.
larger bibs? says
Any good ideas for bibs for older kids? My two (3 and 5) eat breakfast independently each morning while my husband and I get ready, but they sure seem to end up with syrup all over themselves!
Anonymous says
Ikea long sleeved bibs. We have a drawer full. Likely too small for your 5 year old but Ikea has an art smock we use for a bigger kid bib on syrup mornings. We get ours dressed before coming downstairs to eat so long sleeve bibs are essential.
Cate says
yes! art smocks are the best!
Anonymous says
Why are they getting syrup?!? Mine are only allowed on weekends because I hate syrup getting everywhere.
EB0220 says
FWIW my kids are the same age and they just get dressed after breakfast. Problem solved!
J says
Same. Breakfast is eaten in PJs. Lots of our dinners are shirtless for kiddo. She doesn’t want to wear bibs, and I’m way too “whatever” about it all.
Anonymous says
Are there any working moms here with older kids (or empty nests) who regret not staying home when their kids were little? My mom expressed to me this past weekend that she regrets not staying home with me and my sister. It was a huge shock to me, and I don’t really understand the reason for her regret (she’s super close with both me and my sister, had a great career, appears to have a great marriage to my dad, and they’re enjoying the fruits of dual incomes in retirement – lots of luxury travel, etc. that I’m fairly sure would not be possible without her earnings). I asked her why and she just said that the time went too fast and she wishes she’d spent more time with us when we were young. You hear a lot about SAHM regrets if the marriage ends or whatever, but I hadn’t heard any working moms express regret until now.
Anonymous says
I regret not taking more time after my twins were born. I took the same length of mat leave as with my oldest singleton but a couple weeks after I had the twins, a close family member died, and then the twins plus I were sick a lot over the winter. I would have taken a few more months unpaid if I had my time back.
I try to focus on quality time over quantity time. Our kids are still talking about a weekend we spent at a cottage last summer. They loved going swimming as a family last weekend vs. just swimming lessons during the week. I aim for one solid ‘quality’ experience every weekend – even if just jumping in piles of leaves in the yard. It makes the time together really meaningful.
Anon says
No personal experience, but I have heard this (as well as the reverse) from several people. I was surprised at first, but now I think it just goes to show that there aren’t any perfect solutions. All we can do is what’s right for our personal situation and family, while supporting mothers who make different decisions than ours. It’s all hard, and nothing is perfect.
Anon says
Funny, I most often hear that working mothers wish they could be home more during the school years. Babies are fine no matter where they are, but your preteen needs a pretty involved parent given all the pressures they face. (More now than when we were growing up.) Not just for extracurriculars and homework, but for social media monitoring and bullying worries and drinking/ drug pressures and friend & relationship navigation. It’s a lot and it’s hard to stay on top of that when both parents work long hours. I work in finance and see a lot of working mothers who swore they’d never stay home, will go part time when their kids hit that age because they’re worried about their kids (and it’s harder for dads to go part time).
My kids aren’t quite that age – we’re still early elementary – but I’m watching friends with older siblings start to follow the same pattern. My daughter’s best friend’s mom just took a huge step back at work to go part time, because her 7th grader was being bullied on social media (I think SnapChat?) and it was affecting her personality and grades.
Amelia Bedelia says
I think this is spot on. My husband decided to transition to part-time when our oldest was born. She is now 4 and in pre-K and our youngest is 3 and he is NEVER going back full-time. He does so much with them now and we anticipate him becoming even more involved as they age. I’m thankful he is the one who wanted to do this. It’s made a difference for our family — it’s not the “right” answer, but it’s the right answer for us.
J says
This seems very reasonable to me. I don’t think anyone gets to that point in their life and thinks “Wow, I totally have spent enough time with my loved ones.” It just is what it is. But that doesn’t mean she made the wrong decision. And I’m sure your attitude will help her feel good about her choices.
Anon says
Any advice on what to wear when meeting with an executive recruiter? I haven’t needed to do this in a while so not sure about the current protocol. Do you wear a suit or is a tweed blazer and coordinating but not matching dress or pants okay?This is for investment banking/finance type roles.
ElisaR says
I’d say a tweed blazer with black slacks is fine. At my old investment firm they were SUPER conservative. We had to wear skirt suits each day. But most recruiters are not going to expect that.
Anonymous says
For an INTERVIEW at investment bank – wear a full suit. I would expect that recruiter would expect you to be in a nice version of what your current office attire is.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
When did your kiddos drop from 2 to 1 nap?
Background — DS is 1 in a few weeks and daycare is talking about transitioning him to the toddler room slowly, which is fine, but they only have 1 nap there. Right now, he absolutely still needs his morning nap around 9 or 9:30 AM. Daycare said they were amenable for putting him down in the infant room for the AM nap, but as great as they are, I suspect they are going to quickly say “he only wants to sleep once a day” (have had to be an advocate for his nap schedule) and I know he’s not there yet.
Suggestions/thoughts welcome!
Cb says
My kiddo dropped to one nap at 13 months when he was in nursery full time. I think nursery is too exciting, he doesn’t want to sleep. He takes an hour on nursery days and 2.5 hours when he’s home which isn’t brilliant but seems to be doable (he wakes up on his own in the am and doesn’t fall asleep in the car etc).
CBG says
we struggled with this too. Daycare has had my daughter at 1 nap since around 11 months and I hated it (16 months now). She’s super tired/fussy when I pick her up, but it’s getting better. For the first few months I let her nap in the stroller or car for about an hour after pickup ( like kept driving/walking because she fell asleep immediately). Now, she just takes a “boob nap” for about 30 minutes (not actually falling asleep, but resting and still while nursing), and then goes to bed earlier, around 7:30. We also let her sleep in as long as possible in the mornings. She also used to catch up on sleep on the weekends. When she moved to toddlers at 14 months, she started taking longer naps there, about 2 hours.
OP says
Thank you so much. When do you pick her up? I pick DS up at 5-5:30 and he’s in bed by 7 PM so wondering how to squeeze in the cat nap.
CBG says
we pick her up between 5:15 and 5:45, drop off in the morning is between 7:30 and 8am. the cat nap really didn’t cause her trouble at bedtime either. I think naps and bedtime are different things.
AnotherAnon says
I think if he really needs two naps (and you know best what he needs) I’d try the following:
1) Ask if he can remain in the infant room until 16 months.
2) (politely) Insist that he be given a nap in the infant room and one in the toddler room. It will probably only be a few weeks before he drops the first nap himself (but that doesn’t mean YOU have to be the one to suffer).
3) Can you finagle a way for him to take his morning nap at home? This is probably the least practical but my DH has a flexible work schedule so we ended up doing this because YES my 13 month old absolutely still needed two naps, especially after being moved to the toddler room.
It’s mostly about communication – Be polite but firm with day care and get creative!
OP says
This is helpful. #3 is out of the question – I work from home 2x a week, but it’s not consistent, plus I can’t work with DS around unless I have help. I think #1 could be possible until maybe 13-14 months, and I will advocate for #2.
Part of me is thinking about seeing, worst case, if I could even get a doctor’s note. I love his daycare, but there have been times when I’ve confronted his teachers about poor napping spurts (poor as in – over and above the inevitable crappier daycare naps) and the staff has been like “Oh, he didn’t want to nap” or “He is older now, so not as sleepy”. The latter was told to me when he was 9 months, which was crap. In these scenarios, I had to unfortunately escalate to management to get a change.
AnotherAnon says
This has been my experience too, so sorry. It majorly sucks. The thing I had to tell myself is they are dealing with multiple kids all with different personalities and napping preferences so I know it’s not easy for them. But my commitment is to my child, and yes he absolutely does need two naps, I don’t care that you think “oh he didn’t want to” To which my response is usually “Yeah well he also doesn’t want to eat, get his diaper changed, etc but as the caretaker you are responsible for making sure these things happen.”
ElisaR says
I dealt with this same issue. My son dropped the nap when he changed rooms at 15 months. I felt like they kind of forced it. They would always say “He won’t do a morning a nap!” which is baloney because he did it at home all the time.
My only advice is that most babies drop to one nap between 12-16 months. If your baby is on the long end of the spectrum, it could be 4 months of him not getting the sleep he needs, but most likely it will be a much shorter time period than that. My point is: in the grand scheme it’s not ideal but you both will come out on the other side just fine.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this! My current 3 month old baby will be switching at 12 mo to a 12 mo and up preschool/daycare that only does one nap. Older child kept 2 naps until we made him drop one at 17 months to switch to same center, so I’m a little nervous!!! Center is otherwise perfect so we’re thinking to just grit out teeth for a few months.
AwayEmily says
I feel like almost every parent goes through the same issue with day care. What worked for us was asking what we could do to ensure that she got a morning nap. It turned out that what helped them was if we brought her to school completely fed and ready for her nap. Logistically that made it much easier for them. So maybe worth opening that dialogue.
AnotherAnon says
What are your favorite washable work pants around $30? This should be an easy find, but I’m struggling. NY&Co stopped making the ones I currently wear.
Anon says
Express editor or columnist (size up) and wait for them to go on sale.
AIMS says
Uniqlo pull on pants. Forget what they’re called but lots of styles and options.
Anonymous says
I’m pear-ish, so for me it’s the Loft Julie pant on sale.
Sub for Wee Ones bows says
For the commenter yesterday looking for a cheaper alternative to Wee Ones bows, I’ve found cheap bows on Amazon to be similar to the actual clip part of the Wee Ones (the bows themselves are much simpler, but I actually like that for day to day). The ones I have are Shemay 10 Pairs 2″ Tiny Boutique Grosgrain Ribbon Hair Bow Alligator Clips Barrettes for Baby Girls Toddlers Kids
Anonymous says
How are all the babies doing with the time change? Day 3 of pre-5 am wakeups over here! I am so tired that, after stopping to buy coffee on the way to work, I left my coffee on the counter of the coffee shop. The worst is that yesterday, after nursing baby at 4:30, I gave him to my husband and went back to sleep, but then lay in bed awake because I was anxious about how tired and poor performing I was going to be at work… because of not getting enough sleep. Wtf, mind and body!
Anonymous says
Aw insomnia when you’re tired is the worst. I have a weirdo nightowl baby, so the time change was a welcome adjustment for me. Her bedtime is now 10 pm instead of 11 pm ;) But I’m already dreading the reverse time change in the spring!
Anonymous says
Mornings have been delightful over here since usually we have to wake him up to go to daycare and now he wakes up cheerfully on his own, but let’s not talk about all the screaming last night when I picked him up from daycare at what was his DST bedtime and attempted to get him to eat a few bites of pasta before crashing at 5:45.
GCA says
Oh no! Here’s how it’s going for us:
Sunday: Everyone in the house is up for the day at ‘5am’, we all had about three breakfasts by 8am, and when we went out to dim sum with friends at 10.30 it was brunch for them and lunch for us.
Monday: Kid 1 was up at 5.15 and demanded that we play with him (I played with him by snuggling with him on the couch until 5.45 when I was finally convinced to get up, play ‘rainy day traffic jam’ for a while, and then make breakfast). Baby was up a bit later and went down for her first nap right before I was supposed to take her to her first day of daycare, but luckily I work from home so I just worked through her nap.
Today: Kid 1, a lifelong short sleeper and early riser, was up at 5.15 again and woke the baby. Husband got up with him. I nursed her back to sleep (and she slept in!) then I got up for the day because insomnia.
To top it all off the baby may or may not still be refusing bottles today and thus may or may not be hopping mad when I go get her later, so I’m just an extra level of hot mess.
Pogo says
This board is hitting all my pain points today. LO is dropping from 2 to 1 naps, so the time change was extra awful. Saturday he did not nap in the afternoon, so I decided to push through the pain and do one nap Sunday, even though he was up at 5. He made it til 11:30 and I was so proud of myself. Then my folly came when I let him nap for almost FOUR HOURS. Obviously, he was very tired. He still wanted to go to bed at 6:30 because of the time change.
Monday he was up at 3 a.m. THREE AM. I assumed it was due to the monster nap on Sunday + time change. Today was slightly better, around 4:15. We are very lucky in that he can’t get out of his crib and does not complain. He is content to roll around, sing to himself, play with his lovey and push the buttons on his mobile. We didn’t even realize on Monday he was up that early until looking back at the monitor footage. Today I heard him and was debating going in, but then I figured he’d just assume it was morning and want to play… ugh.
Not great, Bob.
GCA says
You’re making me very afraid for my sanity one year from now, when my August baby will be perfectly timed to go from two naps to one…!!
Pogo says
yep, August baby! Last year I don’t even think he noticed the time change… this year. Ugh. He did two naps at daycare yesterday out of necessity. Who knows what today brings! lol.
More Sleep says
Struggle Bus over here! Was able to get DS down by 6ish on Saturday and Sunday, so he was fine those nights and slept well (barring a teething wake up one night which required some tylenol and snuggles). Of course, by the time I got to daycare to pick him up at 5:15 yesterday he was DONE. Barely ate dinner, and still had to race the clock to get him down by 7 PM (his usual bed time, but feels like 8 PM to him, plus he is an early riser). He was up around 4 AM today, but went back to sleep, and then was up and hysterical at 5 AM because, teething. Luckily we all had to be up to hit the polls at 6 AM so it was fine. DS then fell asleep in his bouncer while DH was getting ready. Sigh.
How long will this adjustment take…?
CPA Lady says
Just wanted to put some good news out there/toot my own horn:
I took my current job as a big lean out when my kid was 15 months old. I was devastated about it for an embarrassingly long time, but I couldn’t make my old job work with my husband’s job schedule. I eventually came to terms with working here, and started really enjoying it and the freedom it has given me. Then shortly after my husband stopped traveling for work and settled into a normal routine, both my boss and her boss quit, and I applied for and got my boss’s job. And I got a pretty decent raise, and I asked for more and they gave it to me. I started in my new role yesterday. So now I’m getting paid well and getting great experience that will let me leave here (if I decide to do that at some point in the future) with a leg up and the word “manager” in my title. I’m so pleasantly surprised. Leaning out is not the end of the world, it appears.
CHL says
Good for you! So important to show our success stories and not just hardships on here! if parenting has taught me anything it’s that situations can be very temporary and dynamic — good for you for sticking with it!
Anonymous says
Go CPA Lady!
Anonymous says
Congratulations! I can so relate to this. I’m still trying to come to terms for turning down a big career opportunity that came unexpectedly, but at the wrong time family-wise. Happy to hear it worked out for you. Thanks for sharing!
J says
Congratulations!!! Best wishes for your new role :)
KateMiddletown says
Congrats on the new title! This is great to hear – I just took a new title and went from 50% commission to 100% salaried (limiting my earnings ex-annual bonus) before going on Mat Leave and I sometimes panic about the effect it will have on my future trajectory. Glad to hear yours worked out well
Amelia Bedelia says
How fantastic for you! I remember when you were going through this transition. so glad you stuck with it and get to see these pay offs.
Cb says
We started dairy reintroduction for my 15 month old last night and he hasn’t been sick but is very out of sorts. We went to messy play this am and he wasn’t into it at all and then took a second nap on the bus home which is unusual, Hoping it’s the tooth that broke through this weekend rather than the fact that he chowed down on brioche,
Anonymous says
What type of dairy did you start with? Some kids are bothered by milk but yoghurt or cheese is fine because the proteins are less raw and more easily digested.
You can also try introducing via baked products – like add a cup of milk to muffins – bake at 375F or higher for at least 20 minutes. It breaks down the milk protein.
Cb says
They recommended milk cooked into something to start and then a whole series. If he has any reaction, we wait 3 months and try again.
Nanny questions says
I’m starting the process of finding a nanny for my five month old twins. Besides watching, feeding and changing the babies, what other things should I ask/expect the nanny to do? I’d like her to do their laundry. Is it common for nannies to also prepare bottles (and solid meals when the kids are older) or do I need to do that and she just gives it to the kids? Also, dh and I typically take 3-4 weeks of vacation a year. Would we also have to offer a week or two of vacation whenever the nanny wants? Any other tips about hiring/working with a nanny would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!
Anonymous says
A nanny should at a minimum tidy up after the children, do the children’s laundry and prep all bottles/meals for the kids. Anything beyond that is extra and needs to be discussed in the interview process, but any nanny will assume they’re prepping bottles/meals.
We did not offer our nanny paid vacation except when we take vacations, but our nanny is a short term contract of 6 months and we’re paying her a significantly above market rate. Most people I know offer their nanny at least one week paid vacation of her choosing.
Nanny questions says
Thanks!
anon says
i have 6 month old twins! our nanny does the babies’ laundry, gives them a bath, washes bottles and pump parts, empties the dishwasher, vacuums/swiffers the area where the kids play, tidies up toys, wipes the counters, etc. I know that babies still sleep a lot, but as you know, twins are also a lot of work so a nanny might have less time to do other stuff than if just caring for one baby. and as they get older they will sleep less. we gave our nanny 5 days of paid time off of her choosing and then 5 of our choosing, for 10 total, plus some standard holidays (Christmas Day, New Years Day, Memorial Day, etc.). she will likely end up getting much more than that because we will be traveling for more than just 5 days. we decided to give 5 days of her choosing to encourage her not to come when sick because my kids were preemies and while it is stressful to deal with i would rather her stay home when sick. our nanny is not the best at cleaning/tidying, though does a perfectly fine job, but is AMAZING with our babies! we’ve only had her for a few months but she seems to really care about them. since her primary responsibility is caring for our kids, we decided that was significantly more important to us. i interviewed many many nannies to find the right person and so far feel very good about our choice. if possible, you might also have your top candidates come by for a day or two to try out to make sure that you work well together. good luck!
Nanny questions says
Thanks. Love hearing from other twin moms. Our philosophy sounds the same as yours. Just looking for more reference points.
Anonymous says
Park Slope Parents has some tips for hiring nannies.
Nanny questions says
Thanks, that’s a great resource!
Grandparent Envy says
Has anyone else dealt with jealousy about the amount of attention your kids get from their grandparents compared to other grandchildren? I know it’s petty of me, but both sets of grandparents have local grandkids (though we aren’t exactly far away – we often visit just for the day). In both cases, the grandparents are much more bonded and interested in them than in our LO (who is an infant). I know it’s because they see them every day and help with caretaking, but it’s still hard. I try visiting frequently (since they don’t come to us), sending lots of pictures, and calling, but LO is constantly being overshadowed by his cousins. I know he’s too young to notice and I should probably just be an adult and not care, but they were so “into” the other grandkids as babies that it stings.
Anonymous says
Could it be an age thing? My dad is way more into my oldest kid, because he knows how to interact with him better — can do science experiments, go bike riding, etc. I guess he was probably more into him as a baby than he is into my little kids, just because there were no older grandkids to hang out with yet.
Ultimately, though, the kids and grandparents who see one another most often probably will end up being more familiar with one another. I can see that this would sting — no real suggestions there, since there’s nobody really at fault, but I don’t think you’re being petty.
OP says
Yes, this is a good point. When the older cousin was a baby there were no bigger kids to compete with. The baby is cute but doesn’t run around and talk, etc (obviously, ha!)
Anonymous says
I think it’s a pretty universal thing that grandparents are more into the first grandkid(s). Growing up, I was the first grandkid on one side and the third on the other and the difference was very noticeable. My kid is the same – first grandchild for my parents and second grandchild for my in-laws and there is a huge difference in how much they care about her. I think it’s one of those annoying things you just have to deal with.
Anon says
I’m right there with you, but mine are the oldest grandkids. My DH’s other two siblings still live in their hometown, use grandparents for daycare for their infants, and get together all the time. We’re only an hour away, but my elementary-aged kids are definitely overshadowed by the babies. I feel bad for my kids that they’re not the favorites, but I’m not sure it actually impacts them much. It’s probably harder on DH and I and we probably feel it more, so we make an effort not to transfer our feelings to the kids.
The hardest part is motivating ourselves to still go to family get-togethers, even though staying away would just exacerbate the problem. For example, we went over for Saturday dinner this weekend. Turns out, the babies had both been there all day, were staying the night (without parents), and then going to a museum the next day. We weren’t invited, since “your kids are probably too old to enjoy the museum. But you can tag along if you want!” As in, we could drive an hour home that night, then come back in the morning to join them at the museum to tag along. We said no because that’s a ridiculous amount of driving for something we weren’t really invited to. But then it’s like, well, maybe our kids would have a better relationship with the grandparents if we actually did these kind of things.
OP says
Yes! I feel like you are me, right down to living an hour away. I sometimes think it’s the distance — we aren’t close enough to just drop the kids off of use them for regular childcare help, but also not so far away that we are a novelty.
Redux says
Tell me about it. My parents are very tightly bonded to my nephew, for whom they have provided primary childcare until he entered pre-k. They call him “the baby.” He’s almost 5. And I have a 1-year old, i.e. an actual baby! It’s very confusing when I’m like, we’re coming into town for Christmas and want to make sure you have a carseat for the baby. And they’re like, oh, yes, he uses a booster now. No, dad the ACTUAL BABY. My baby.
Anonymous says
Yep, and it stinks. MIL has 5 granddaughters – 3 from DH’s sister and 2 from our side. The cousins are local-ish and we are across the country. It’s “the girls” this and “the girls” that (and HELLO OUR KIDS ARE GIRLS TOO AND I KNOW THAT’S NOT WHO YOU ARE REFERRING TO). And they have stockings at Grandma’s for xmas, and there are more pictures of them than my kids in grandma’s house (actually, there are NO pictures of my kids in her house…even though I send her some, in frames, every year). I know she loves my kids but she definitely seems to love her other grandkids more. They are stair steps with the cousins so it’s not just an older/first grandkids thing. Though I think there’s an element of it being her daughter’s kids versus her son’s kids (and she doesn’t really care for me that much so there’s that too).
Anyway, it’s complicated and my goal is just to ensure that the kids don’t realize the disparity in attention and just feel her love.
SBJ says
Yup. I have grandkids # 3 and 4 out of 5 total for my in-laws. We live on one side of the country; everyone else lives on the other, at most 20 min apart. I used to tell myself that it was because grandkids 1 and 2 were the first and MIL did full time care for them. But honestly, there are a lot of things she does for them that she could easily do for mine (clothes, gifts) that don’t happen and she’s thrown herself full on into baby 5, who is only 6 months younger than my second. Probably because grandkid 2 just started K and this is a new project? Anyway, no advice, just commiseration, and I’m glad to see I’m not the only one. I really struggle with it because my oldest is getting to the point where it’ll become obvious soon and I don’t know how I’m going to manage that.
Anon says
Any tips for balancing childcare/division of labor when one partner is traveling a lot and you’re both exhausted and needing a break? My husband recently started a new job and will be traveling either cross-country and internationally nearly every week through February. He comes home exhausted and jet-lagged from long days on the road and constant travel, yet I’m also completely wiped out from working and solo parenting our 11 month old (who’s still not sleeping through the night!) while he’s away so much. How do we figure out a fair way for us to each get a break on the weekends without one partner feeling like they’re getting the short end of the stick?
I’m going to ask our nanny if she can help out a few extra hours per week, but since my take-home pay isn’t much after taxes and childcare, I struggle with asking for much more than that. Unfortunately, we don’t have any family nearby who can pitch in either.
Anon says
You each get a morning to rest – Saturdays he gets up with the baby and runs XYZ errands while you sleep in til 9 or 10. Sundays you get up with the baby and run ABC errands while he sleeps in. You get a mother’s helper for a few hours on whichever day makes most sense so you both can get some downtime. You also get a standing babysitter during the week so you have Tuesday nights (or whatever) to breathe and recharge and run any mid-week errands.
His long travel should NOT mean you never get a break. Hopefully this new schedule came with some sort of a pay hike, which needs to go toward you keeping your sanity. After all, he couldn’t take this job if you weren’t home to watch the baby while he’s gone. (And to maintain the house and everything else that happens when you live somewhere.) He has just as much of a vested interest in making sure you can handle this, because otherwise his life doesn’t work either.
Anonymous says
+1 We just had a week like this. DH was home but working super long hours so I did almost 100% of the parenting. On Saturday morning I was like, nope. Not getting up, I did it every single day this week. He was crabby and made a comment about not wanting to work 16 hour days (who DOES? lol) but he got up. I travel too and I agree travel is not the same as a break from the kids, but everyone needs a chance to recharge.
CHL says
I’m sure that this is on your mind and finances are real but I’m going to push back HARD on the “my take home pay isn’t much” part. You are not replacing “your labor” — you’re replacing your husband’s, as he has not been around all week. It is a collective financial and time burden. Maybe you could have a mother’s helper who would be less $$ and you could be around but not “on.”
Mama Llama says
+1 Childcare is a household expense.
Anon says
Yes! Also, investing in childcare help is an investment in your future career. So if it’s possible to swing it, don’t feel guilty about spending the money.
anon says
in a similar boat with no family nearby and DH who travels/works much longer hours than i do. my DH definitely does his fair share, but i think it is hard for both of us because we both feel like we never get a break. we also have twins which makes things a bit more complicated/harder for each parent to get a break. we do each take a break over the weekend, but somehow an hour or two doesn’t really seem like enough. for our other friends, having each parent getting a turn to sleep in one day of the weekend seems to help. we basically break even with our childcare. i know you said you feel bad asking your nanny to work more hours because of your salary, but even if once a month you could get a different babysitter on the weekend or during the week for a few hours that might help. or a mother’s helper type of person who you could probably pay a bit less. i keep trying to remind myself that maybe this is the season where we spend more and save less, which is hard for me as a risk averse person. i am SO jealous of my friends who have family nearby who can help and don’t have to pay for the extra childcare. they really do not understand how hard it is not to have that and how much easier their lives are since they do have it. even if we lived near family they couldn’t really help us because my father is sick and my mom spends her time being a caregiver for him.
also- is your 11 month old waking up to eat in the middle of the night or just doesn’t sleep? if the baby is still eating I would check with your pediatrician, because that should not be necessary at 11 months
Anon (OP) says
Twins?! Props to you, mama. That’s a lot. Thanks for commiserating with me. I hadn’t thought of a less expensive mother’s helper but I’ll look into that to see if someone can help out for a few times a week so I can get things done around the house. My baby is super clingy and likes to be with me ALL THE TIME, so even cooking and basic household chores are a challenge.
My 11 month old is a tiny peanut (we weren’t cleared for nightweaning by our ped until she was about 7 months old) who also just isn’t a good sleeper. She usually wakes once to eat during the night between 3-4:30 AM. If I don’t feed her, she’ll just cry forever or she’ll be awake for the day super early (like 5:30 AM). It’s easier for me to get up and nurse her for a few minutes in the middle of the night and know that we’ll both get to go back to sleep versus the uncertainty of lengthy crying fits and early morning wake ups, but I realize I can’t keep this up forever. I’m going to ask our ped at her 1-year well visit if she has any ideas on how to get this child to sleep through the night because I am TIRED.
anon says
one twin has been sleeping through the night for a while, but the other one just started and it is life changing! i hope your ped has some suggestions because I think your life will improve significantly once you are getting a bit more sleep. at this point it probably isn’t worth it because i am sure you are starting to think about weaning anyway, but to anyone else reading this – consider a dream feed with formula, it worked wonderfully for one of our twins! you might need to do some kind of sleep training/cry it out in order to get your daughter to stop wanting to eat in the middle of the night. but if you do have to do that, do it on a weekend when DH is home and you wear ear plugs. make sure you nap on weekends! it is ok if your house is messy or if you don’t eat gourmet meals. one of my colleagues said her daughter didn’t sleep through the night until she weaned around one year. hang in there!
Doodles says
We’re getting ready to start solid foods with my soon to be 6 month old. Any advice on what kind of appliance(s) we need to prepare the baby food? We have a nanny so would like to make as much of the baby food as possible. We don’t have a full-size blender but have a hand/immersion blender and a large instant pot. Should we get one of those baby blender/steamer combos like the Baby Brezza? Or is it better to invest in a normal steamer that we can use beyond making baby food? The Instant Pot steams but seems like a hassle for smaller portions. It also takes up a ton of counter space so we don’t generally have it out. Any specific product recs that are small-ish? Affordable options that aren’t cheap plastic? Getting overwhelmed by Amazon…
Also recs for baby plates and utensils? How many should we have? Thanks!
Anon says
Sorry – weird threading. My reply is right below your OP.
Aly says
You probably don’t need much. Baby utensils help – fitting spoons into tiny mouths – and maybe one baby bowl. I honestly sometimes just used small tupperware too. I had a steamer that fit into a pot and used that plus my food processor to make purees. Then I froze the purees in ice cube trays and had about an ounce of food per cube. However, my kid loathed purees. So maybe avoid the mistake I made of zealously making tons in advance…
Anonymous says
We bought a Vitamix “for the baby”. We’d been lusting after one for years and finally decided we deserved one after baby was born ;) No regrets. Now that she is a toddler, we do tons of smoothies, too.
Anonymous says
you don’t need any special baby food making gear. I steamed / boiled / roasted food as I would for a normal meal and then used an immersion blender (which you said you had). I personally found food processor or even blender a hassle for small quantities. The baby ice cube tray with lid is handy / or othe ice cube trays to freeze in 1 oz blocks. They don’t eat that much the first couple of months so don’t go crazy prepping. Get 1/2 dozen baby spoons – including a couple of the smallest size you can find. A few plastic dishes (everyone I know has the ones that are $3 at ikea) and that’s it.
Pogo says
+1 to all of this. Exactly what I did.
Anonymous says
We just used our food processor or immersion blender.
Anon says
You don’t need much at all! I used my regular Magic Bullet or Ninja for purees and then quickly moved to the fork/masher. Bought a few sets of OXO spoons, and then have one hand-me-down compartmentalized dish we use, but often for feeding if there’s only one item (e.g. oatmeal mixed with green smoothie which I give DS on weekends) I just use our own stuff.
Also I just boiled, roasted, etc. how I normally would and then pureed or mashed. I feel like, for our eating habits and household, all the “stuff” out there was really not needed.
octagon says
For those of you with mother’s helpers, how do you get your kid to leave you alone? I thought it would be great to have one over to watch kiddo while I did other things – a little work, laundry, bills, some life-admin phone calls (like dr offices). Kiddo would not abide the fact that I was in the house and not paying attention to him. He screamed and cried and it basically was a disaster all around. Is this the sort of thing that takes a few tries to succeed?
ElisaR says
I found it took a few tries. Now my 2.5 year old is excited when the helper comes over because he is very comfortable and wants to show her his toys….I get more done.
I still find that the mother’s helper isn’t the holy grail I want it to be in terms of help. She does distract my sons though so that’s good.
Anonymous says
When I babysat for an working from home mother in college, we would start each visit with me taking the kids on a walk, and then she would hide in her room. The walk helped avoid tears for their baby with separation anxiety. Maybe you could try something similar?
Anon says
I used them at all ages when the weather is nice – they can play with the kids in the front yard/ back yard/ driveway while I get things done in the house. When the weather isn’t so nice, it’s a little harder but I usually set them up with an activity or two that I never do with them, like mixing Play Dough colors or finger paints or one of those color-and-build cardboard houses. One big project around ages 2-3 was buying each kid a poster board, a set of Twistables crayons, and a multi-pack of those foam stickers so they can make a Giant Picture. Or push all the furniture to the side, give them every blanket and pillow in the house, and let them build a fun fort then turn it into an obstacle course. The mothers helper is usually awesome at helping the activity still be fun, and can keep them safe and occupied. And then we all pick up at the end of the session.
Takes a little prep ahead of time, but I started placing a bulk order at Oriental Trading every couple months when they run a sale so I’m always prepared.
Frustrated says
DS is 13 weeks old and I have recently returned to work. I intended to EBF but when he was slow to gain weight, I worked with the lactation consultant and my doctor and discovered I have insufficient tissue on one side. I produce very little (half an oz at most per pumping session) on that side. I began combination feeding DS, and transitioned to pumping with only occasional nursing. I was able to increase my supply to 20 oz a day through round the clock pumping, supplements, diet, power pumping and hands on pumping/compression. I always pump both sides, although I get almost all the milk from one side.
Then, at 10 weeks PP (still on maternity leave) I got a Mirena IUD and immediately noticed a dip in supply. I have been spotting since I had it placed and have not been able to recover my supply to what it was. I know that Mirena is not supposed to affect supply, but literally nothing else changed, so I’m stumped as to what else it could be other than the Mirena/spotting. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, did your supply rebound? I am devastated that my supply has dipped so dramatically. I’ve tried all the things I used to build supply in the first place and am only up to 10-12 oz a day now. I am so frustrated, and finding it hard to relax while pumping, which I know isn’t helping. If I can’t increase my supply again, I’m wondering if it may be time to stop pumping. I feel like I am putting in SO much effort with not a lot of payout, but am struggling with guilt and feeling like a quitter. How/when did you decide to stop pumping?
Anonymous says
I stopped at 6 weeks. DD was supplemented with formula from birth due to blood sugar issues. I worked with LC’s in the hospital and at her ped’s office, did paced bottle feeding, pumped after each formula feed, etc., but my supply was never great. Then at 5 weeks, she just stopped latching and would only take a bottle. I kept pumping, but was only getting a little (like not even a full feeding). One day I was giving her a bottle while I pumped and I just decided I was DONE.
She’s now 6 mo, has gained weight appropriately, and has no issues. Sometime I still have twinges of regret and wonder if I should have tried harder, but I get over it.
13 weeks is amazing, and he’s benefited from what you’ve been able to give him so far. If you want to stop, you have this internet stranger’s permission to stop. You’re doing great, mama!
Anonymous says
Could it be that your cycle decided to return right at the same time you got the IUD? I think for some women their cycle impacts supply, although I thought it wasn’t across the board but variable throughout the month.
So sorry you are going through this; it sounds like you have made heroic efforts!
Anonymous says
This. My supply always dipped right before my period.
Mrs. Jones says
I hereby approve your decision to stop or continue pumping, whatever works for you. Personally, I would not make myself miserable by trying to pump when it’s not working. Good luck.
Doodles says
No personal experience with this but my lactation consultant warned me that the Mirena often impacts supply even if OBs say it doesn’t. She said I could give it a try and see if I’m in the minority for whom it doesn’t, and then remove it if it does impact supply. But I decided that was too much hassle/pain so I ended up canceling my insertion appointment and not getting the Mirena, even though I loved it pre-baby.
Anonymous says
Which is such stupid advice and how people wind up pregnant when they don’t want to be.
octagon says
Hugs, that is so hard! I relied a lot on what my LC told me: It’s the presence of breast milk, not the absence of formula that makes a difference. Even if you are only getting 10-12 oz, that is enough to provide all the good benefits to your baby. I never produced enough for EBF, so we were combo feeding from very early on. Then at 7 months my supply took a hit and baby decided that was enough, so we were full-on formula from then.
In sum: there’s no right answer, don’t beat yourself up, find what works best for you and your baby.
Anonymous says
+1 except it happened for me at 2 months. Kiddo is fine (2 now) and is super smart, healthy, etc. Only saying that to say that his life isn’t a disaster of low IQ and constant illness because he didn’t get breastmilk for long, like some would have you believe.
IHeartBacon says
I know you would like to increase your supply more, but 10 oz a day of breastmilk is great for your baby. 1 oz of breastmilk a day would be great, too. Like another poster said, it’s the presence of breastmilk that is great for your baby, not the absence of formula. Someone here said the same thing to me when I was first struggling with nursing. It really helped me to remind myself that. After every pumping session, where I would only pump 1-2 oz total, I would look at the milk and I would force myself to smile and say out loud, “Wow, look at all that milk. I made that for him. This is going to be so good for him.” It helped shift the way I saw how much (or rather, how little) I was pumping.