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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
We had my daughter’s 9 month well visit yesterday and her ped was concerned she doesn’t say any words yet. I thought first word(s) were a 12 or even 15 month milestone, not a 9 month one. But the ped wants to refer us for further testing if my daughter isn’t saying 3 words within the next month, which seems really drastic to me. My ped has been very overzealous about referring for specialists/follow-up testing before and in general I feel like she’s way too ambitious about what kids should be doing at each age, so I want to get a gut check.
For background: my daughter babbles all day, has “conversations” with us where she changes her inflection and waits for a response and says clear “baba”s, “dada”s and “mama”s – the first two are just babble; the latter emerged in the last couple weeks and she seems to say it pretty consistently to me but once in a while she will say it to my husband. She doesn’t follow any commands (except “no!” and she may just be reacting to tone of voice), which also concerned the ped, but I’m not surprised because we haven’t really used commands with her, so how would she know them? She pretty clearly understands a handful of the words we regularly use with her – she will look at the dog when we say “doggie,” squeal when we ask if she wants “milk” and reach for her favorite stuffed animal when we say his name. I don’t know. I just feel like there’s nothing wrong and the ped is overreacting? But maybe I should be concerned. Any advice?
Mama Llama says
Your ped sounds overzealous to me. Is there another doctor you can see for a second opinion?
Mama Llama says
Based on this chart, your baby sounds perfectly average. https://www.asha.org/public/speech/development/01/
Anonymous says
I am no expert, but your pediatrician sounds nuts to me. Would a specialist even agree to take that referral?
Annie says
Is this your only option for a pedi? Maybe get a second opinion and switch if you connect better with that person?
AnotherAnon says
Your daughter seems like she’s on track. Can you just tell your ped no thanks and that you’re willing to re-evaluate at her 12 mo check? Anonymous at 9:16 has a good point that a specialist may not even take that referral.
anon says
I have a 5-year-old and I am astonished that my baby nephew who is 10 months old was referred for occupational therapy by his pediatrician. He picks up and plays with his toys, can throw a ball, feed himself puffs…to me, that’s him being a baby and doing baby stuff. It seems like there is a trend towards corrective services for very young kids that as an “old mom” I just don’t get. My kid didn’t do pincer grasp when he was supposed to. The doctor said keep an eye on it…a month later, he was doing it. Basically, I think you should feel free to take a wait and see approach if you don’t think there’s a big problem. That’s what I would do. There is nothing that a specialist can do now that can’t also be done after the 12-month well visit.
Boston Legal Eagle says
9 months seems early for real words. Our ped office didn’t really start asking about words until the 15 month check-up and even then, they weren’t really concerned that he only had 3 or so discernible words. He had a language explosion closer to 18 months and he’s now a chatterbox at 2.5 years.
IHeartBacon says
Your daughter sounds perfectly on track to me. I would wait until the 12 month visit to assess how many more words your baby understands and says. Even then, I wouldn’t see the specialist right away. I would give it a another month and assess whether your daughter’s language is progressing (not whether she has said a certain number of words).
Trust your instincts,OP. If deep down inside you believe — through no influence of what the ped said — that there may be a problem, it’s ok to trust your instincts. My LO didn’t say any words except mama and dada at his 12 month appt. I wasn’t worried at all because I didn’t feel like anything was wrong. His language exploded 2 months later.
FVNC says
+1 to trust your instincts. With my first, I felt something was “off” from a very early age, and we began EI at about 18 months. My second kid could also probably be assessed as speech delayed — he’s 20 months but only has a few words — but I’m just not worried in the same way I was with my first. Sometimes as a parent who only wants the best for her kids it’s hard to “go against” the experts, but your baby seems completely normal from what you’ve described.
Anonymous says
Your ped is off the mark IMO. Most babies I’ve met (including mine) are mayybe saying a few words by 12 months. None of my 3 kids said any words at all at 9 months. Too early to say with the youngest, but the older two are very verbal and smart cookies, if I do say so myself. I generally think it’s better to check into potential false positives than wait too long, but this seems completely unnecessary.
AwayEmily says
This also seems crazy to me. My son is 10 months and his class at daycare has babies aged 9 – 11 months in it. I was chatting with the teacher last week and she said NONE of them have any words yet. This almost makes me wonder if your pediatrician thought that it was the 12-month checkup? (tho even then I think it’s totally normal to not have any words…)
Honestly this is kind of a red flag for me about the pediatrician in general. Maybe worth asking around to friends to see if there is a saner option.
Anonymous says
I had two.early talkers who have always had extremely advanced language. Neither one was saying * any* words at 9 months. I think 10-11 months was “da” (dog) “dada” (daddy) and “dadadada” (everything else) and things moved quickly from there but they were way early.
I wonder if maybe there’s some confusion about the concern. Does she not *respond* to words? (Give ball? Get diaper?)That comes first and mayyyyybe could be a flag at 9 mos but again that seems early for concern.
Anonymous says
I don’t agree that following “give ball” is typical for a 9 month old, or that receptive language necessarily predates spoken language, especially in early/normal talkers. My daughter had three words by 11 months (mama, dada, hi) and clearly had some awareness of what we were saying, but could not follow a command like “give ball” until well after a year. “Give ball” is a simple sentence, but it’s still a sentence and reacting to it appropriately requires knowing what “give” means, what ‘ball” means, piecing them together to understand the command and then choosing to follow the instruction, which can be a key step with stubborn toddlers. There are also parents (me included) who never use baby talk with their kids – “Can you give me the ball?” is an even more complex instruction that requires picking the relevant words out of a much longer sentence.
If you’re talking about a 15 month old who doesn’t yet have any or many words, then I would agree that lack of this kind of receptive language is probably a red flag. But for a 9 month old that isn’t expected to say anything yet? I don’t think it’s a red flag at all.
Anononymous says
IME there’s little correlation between how early babies talk and how well they talk at age 2. My kids and I all talked late-ish (12-13 months) but were all super verbal at age 2. I think it’s a lot like walking – kids who do it early need lots of practice and progress slowly, kids who do it late usually do it perfectly right out of the gate.
And honestly, I know there are a few babies who truly do talk by 9 or 10 months, but the only babies I know who “talked” before 10 months, it was because the parents were exaggerating. You baby is saying “mama” – there are absolutely people (I’m friends with a lot of them) who would claim your baby has said his first word. I think this parenting competitiveness contributes to pushing traditional milestones earlier and leading more babies to Early Intervention. I always found it helpful to compare my kids to myself as a baby. I’m smart and articulate (if I do say so myself) but I was on the later side for talking and very late on all physical stuff. Having myself to compare my kids to was reassuring that they were doing ok. All my friends’ babies did stuff earlier, but I think there was definitely an element of exaggerating/reaching for milestones that maybe didn’t exist in the 1980s.
Anon says
I was (reportedly) actually talking by 9 months back in the 80s, so my mother and ped had to talk me off the edge when I was concerned my DD was only saying a few words by 15 months (which is totally normal).
Anonymous says
How much experience does the pediatrician have? The pediatric practice we go to has a range of experience from just out of residency to decades in practice. I think (based on nothing but my own observation) that there has been a shift toward training recommending early intervention in the last several years. For kids who need it, the outcomes can be significantly better the earlier they start, so I get it. But the older, more experienced doctors are much more laissez faire than the young ones. Unless there’s a confluence of indicators, they don’t get worked up over missing an isolated development target.
I have no idea when each of my kids could say 3 words. I know the youngest talked much less and later than the other two, probably because he couldn’t get a word in edgewise with them chattering non-stop, but he caught up around 2 without any extras.
Anon says
My ped wanted 3 words by 12 months (we had mama, dada and hi, with varying degrees of consistency of meaning, which really popped up in the 10-12 month range) and 5 words by 18 months. We are at 15 months and have Mama, Dada, hi, bye and eye (while stabbing you in the eye). I think the ped is being overzealous.
ElisaR says
9 months!! Of course she isn’t using words yet. My son is a year and neither is he. I would not be concerned, that doctor sounds like he/she wouldn’t be a good fit for me. Sounds like he/she is rather alarmist.
Anonymous says
My little guy (third child) said no words at 12 months. We are now at 14 months and sometimes have two words- “ball” and “more.” We have also heard “bye” and “bear”. All of this is very hit or miss. The only thing he will do with any consistency is roar like a lion, which is not so helpful from a communication standpoint. At the 12 month appointment, my pediatrician (very experienced and head of a large practice in Chicago) said that since my son was an earlier walker she was guessing that he had no words, and she was right. She had no concern. I guess we will see what happens at the 15 month appointment.
My niece who just turned one has no words either. She is hitting all milestones (and is quite frankly already a better communicator than my son with waiving, blowing kisses, etc.).
rakma says
I’d say the doctor has a huge misunderstanding of appropriate milestones and the need for interventions.
DD2 had a speech evaluation at 18 months, and even with no words at that point, didn’t qualify for intervention because at the under-2 stage, they need multiple concerning issues, and her other milestones, including receptive speech, were on track.
Trust your gut of course, and if you feel the evaluation will set your mind at ease, by all means go for it. But if you’re feeling like you can’t trust the ped because of this suggestion, consider switching if it’s possible. (Is there another ped in the practice who might be able to give you a second opinion?)
Sarabeth says
This is more than my son was doing at 12 months. I was slightly worried, my ped said to wait and re-evaluate at 15 months, she would refer us for a screening then if he still wasn’t using at least a few actual words. By 15 months, he had five words. Several years later, he’s going totally fine and will not shut up. Obviously the story could have ended differently, but I really think your ped is on the extreme end with this.
Anonymous says
This is crazy. My kiddo is 18 months and has been in speech therapy for 6, so I have some background here. At his 18 month appointment we were told most kids have 5 to 10 words by that point. Sign language and animal sounds count as words! This sounds needlessly aggressive.
Anon says
I know this has been talked about plenty of times, but what is the frequency / severity of regret in taking a lean-out job for part-time hours instead of full-time? Does approximately a 34% pay cut and a 20% reduction in hours ever make sense? Let’s pretend everything else is equal in terms of minimally less stress, but the FT job is fulfilling and the PT would likely not be.
FVNC says
I don’t have personal experience with going part-time, but if my company offered it as an option I’d take it in a heartbeat. That said, my main consideration in taking a part-time job would be whether there’s an option to ramp back up to full time sometime in the future, either with the current employer or otherwise within the industry. I think this could be important in your case, since working in a fine but unfulfilling job is not likely going to be something you want do long-term. Good luck with your decision!
Anon says
I think most people post on this board wondering about how they can find part time jobs. I would take that in a heartbeat.
Anonymous says
My opinion is keep looking. I took a 45% paycut for like, 80% reduction in hours (I went from high travel and consistent 65+ hour weeks to 15 hours). Also, my 15 hours were super flexible.
If your 20% reduction is truely a 4 day vs 5 day workweek, that could work. But if its 55 hours to 40…quality of life will likely not improve commensurate to reduced pay.
CPA Lady says
What is making you feel like you want to work less? Life just too hectic vs. wanting to spend more time with kids (like you’d pull them out of daycare so you could hang out all day?) If it’s hectic, have you explored ways to deal with that? Like if you have a lengthy commute, is there a way you could move closer?
That said, I probably wouldn’t do a 20% reduction for a 34% pay cut unless I was making so much money that it was not a big deal financially. In the past, I wouldn’t even take a 20% pay cut for a 20% reduction in hours, but I was not making a ton of money. I considered doing it to keep my public accounting job, but I kept looking around and eventually took zero pay cut to come to a job where I work extremely minimal overtime vs. working 60-80 hours a week six months out of the year. I basically got the best gig ever and it still took me about two years to get over leaving. But I was really convinced that I was a ladder climbing, ambitious, career woman, so it was a major blow to my ego to lean out. I actually hated leaning out and felt like a massive cliche “woman has kids and then can’t keep up with her career” failure. I know this is all in my head, so if you’re more chill it might not be such a big deal for you. I don’t regret it at this point, but I still keep up with my network so that if I decide to go back to public accounting, I could.
anon says
I took a similar cut and I could not be happier with my part time job. Is it as career enhancing? no, but does my life feel infinitely better working 25 hours rather than 40? yes. I love all the extra time I have with my kiddo and would do it again in a heartbeat.
Anon says
Thank you for your input! It’s time…. all about time. I am one of the people that dream about PT just to have more time, even though I never work OT and have a good work/life balance as it is. My income is over 50% of our household income, so a cut would mean we’d have to cut out luxuries that I really love, like a biweekly cleaning service. But more flexibility and less stress! The timing would be a little off. I would really like to do this in a year or two, but I see a potential opportunity and am just on the fence about even knocking on the door. This thread is pushing me to knock.
rakma says
I’d consider the time saving luxuries you’d be give up, and if that means that a lot of your time flexibility will be used up on things you’d consider low on return. You mention the cleaning service here, and if that’s the only thing you’d be spending time on rather than money, maybe it’s not a huge deal. But if a large amount of the hours you’d be freeing up from work end up being hours you’ll be doing tasks that weren’t directly related to more quality time with your kids or more time for yourself, I’d think for a long time before making that kind of trade off.
Spirograph says
For a year after my first child was born, I cut back (same job) to 4 days a week from 5 with a proportional paycut, since I was a contractor and paid hourly anyway. It was a significant improvement in my life to have that time back, but I’m not sure it was great enough that I would have accepted a 34% pay cut and less responsibility / personal fulfillment.
If the goal is to truly lean out, I would go bigger than a 20% reduction in hours.
anon. says
I did it and I LOVE my new job. It’s different and definitely doesn’t have huge room for growth in a traditional sense, but I genuinely love working 40 hours instead of 60 and I find I like the law more now.
Anon says
I took a 25% paycut for a 25% reduction in hours and it’s the best professional decision I’ve ever made. I am so much happier, both at work and at home, and I still feel fulfilled and challenged by my job while still getting a few more hours a day to be with my daughter. I realize that I’ve likely slowed my own career advancement (it was brought up in my review that I’m on track to be promoted but probably not until next year, whereas I know I would like have been promoted this year if I still worked full time), but that’s a trade off I’m perfectly okay with at this point in time.
JTM says
My company offers a 60% or 80% schedule, and your salary & vacation benefits are also reduced at the same rate.
IMO a 34% paycut should come with a 34% reduction in hours, but I know that I’m lucky to work for a company that provides that setup.
So Anon says
Question for you wise mamas: I have posted that my life currently resembles a dumpster fire: son in the midst of the ASD diagnosis process, DH recently hospitalized for MDD/OCD — turns out he also either likely has narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder (like his mother), daughter needs a tooth pulled as a result of a run-in with the coffee table that also resulted in stitches, and work is very intense. I am quietly exploring what I need to do to separate from DH. I meet with a therapist weekly and mentioned that I am having a difficult time keeping anxiety in check and am irritable/grumpy much of the time (it was a long conversation). She recommended that it may be time for me to seek out medication support to get through this very tough time. I called my PCP but she is booking a few weeks out. I can call every morning to see if there is a sick day appointment available, but they can’t book those until day of. I’m nervous about going on meds, and this doesn’t help. I could also call my midwife, who is super supportive, but I’m not sure she could/would prescribe for this? It’s not a postpartum issue as my youngest is in kindergarten. Thoughts? Suggestions?
Em says
It sounds like you could really benefit from medication, even if it is just short-term. I have a history of moderate to severe anxiety and mild depression and have done two regimens of Lexapro (I am currently on the second and have been for just over a year). My life is smooth sailing compared to what you are dealing with, but the Lexapro has made my life SO much better. I had a really rough morning with my son today which I handled with an amazing level of grace and patience, but I was only able to do that because of the Lexapro. Pre-Lexapro me would have been screaming and yelling and then feeling horrible about it all day. I’ve been lucky that I’ve had minimal side effects from it with really good results. It’s not a cure all – I still feel emotions (sadness, frustration, anger, etc.), it just enables me to handle those emotions in an appropriate manner, rather than going into an anxiety spiral or screaming at my husband.
IHeartBacon says
I am so sorry to hear about what is going on in your life right now. That all sounds so hard. I wish I had some advice or an action plan that I could offer, but all I have to offer are some internet hugs. Stay strong.
Anonymous says
Taking the booking a few weeks out. You need the meds. Move as quickly as you can with your lawyer to a plan to get your husband out of your house. You will get through this!
Anonymous says
+1 Having the appointment on the books is what you need. Can you check if the hospital your PCP is associated with has a psychiatrist that sees people on a “crisis” basis? Mine does, and he will speak with you and prescribe, then write up his notes for the PCP to do the maintenance (most people who take SSRIs can be managed by their PCP after the initial consultation with the shrink, assuming they’re also seeing a therapist).
Mrs. Jones says
I don’t think it’s exaggerating to say that Lexapro saved my life. Please don’t rule out meds. Does your insurance offer an online/phone doctor visit? Good luck and hugs to you.
Anonymous says
Yes. Zoloft saved my life. I would not have gotten through my divorce and my child’s first few years without it.
Mama Llama says
Can you ask your therapist for suggestions? She might be able to refer you to psychiatrist for meds. You could also try different PCPs until you find someone with an opening. You don’t have to keep seeing the person who first prescribes it if you don’t want to – just get started and do maintenance/monitoring with whoever you are comfortable with.
anon says
yes, your therapist should be able to recommend someone. and so many hugs. i cannot imagine dealing with all that you are dealing with right now.
AnonAtty says
Echoing what other’s have said: medication has literally saved my life. You might also get on a psychiatrist’s schedule. PCPs vary in what they are willing to prescribe so you may end up in another waiting period. Better to book the psychiatrist appointment now and cancel it if your PCP appointment is sufficient.
Anonymous says
Ladies, I had a major mealtime win last night and wanted to share. I posted on the main site about my kid who may have dairy issues and I needed meal/snack ideas. Got some great ideas but wanted to see what she’d like. I also have a toddler who isn’t a picky eater per se, but actually getting her to eat is a constant battle of wills. But! Last night, I declared it “dip night.” Put out silicone muffin cups with pizza sauce, tuna salad, 2 kinds of hummus, and egg salad. Put falafel balls, meatballs, Tostito scoops, peppers, cucumbers, and pita crackers on plates and gave them tiny lobster forks.
My toddler had a blast and ate a full meal, including a ton of veggies, with no complaining, spitting, throwing food, leaving the table, etc. the scoop chips filled with tuna or egg salad were her favorite but she also just went to town on veggies. my older one found out she loves egg salad and likes tuna as long as it goes on crackers and cucumbers in hummus and ate about 5 meatballs to boot.
We had strawberries dipped in chocolate for dessert.
Bonus? Super easy clean up.
Double bonus? My husband, who had to work late, is on a low carb diet and was super happy to come home and scarf the leftover tuna, egg salad, meatballs & veggies.
SC says
That is awesome!
KW says
What a great idea! I forget that making food fun can be a game-changer. Plain turkey slices and pieces of cheese? Nope. But roll them up and put on a pretzel stick? Yes! Strawberries and grapes? Nah. Make into skewers on toothpicks? Of course!
Anon says
Yum! I want Dip Night for myself! Good job mama!
anon says
I love the dip night idea! Personally, I can totally make a meal out of chips and dip or cheese and crackers.
Anonymous says
haha, my kids and I *do* make a meal out of cheese whenever possible (my husband doesn’t love cheese as much as we do). Dip night is a great, and more nutritionally balanced idea, though. Definitely going to steal this one.
CBG says
we just discovered “dip” is my toddler’s favorite, I put plain greek yogurt in front of her and called it a dip and she even went for that with gusto!
IHeartBacon says
This is amazing.
Anonymous says
There is a place called One Medical in several cities that has convenient (same day?) appointments. I think you have to be a member, but it may be worth it. Alternatively, do you have a gyn that you see for your yearly visits? Maybe they could help you out.
Toddlers are crazy says
Help with a ridiculous toddler issue. My almost three year old has recently started freaking out about the seams on her socks. Granted, this is likely just one manifestation of her ongoing power grabs, but she does usually calm down when I wiggle the seam around so it’s lying flat. This often takes several tries to get it “right” by her definition.
So . . . any recommendations for especially smooth or seamless socks? We are currently using the cheapos from Old Navy and they do seem to have pretty bulky seams. I cannot believe I am even asking this, but there you go. Toddlers.
Anonymous says
What if you turn the socks inside out?
Anonymous says
Target has a bunch of sensory-friendly clothes; I would check there.
rakma says
We have a bunch of Hanes socks from Target, and they don’t have seams at the toes. They’re white with a grey or colored bottom.
Anon says
The Tucker + Tate low cut toddler socks from Nordstrom are my favorite for my wide-footed toddler (less sock means better fitting shoes), and the seams on those are pretty low profile.
Anonymous says
Have her wear tights? Or boots with no socks? I would not cave into this unless my kid had sensory issues.
But I’m a mean mom with 3 kids to worry about. :-)
anon says
No real recommendations but I wanted to add that I apparently had this exact issue as a toddler! My mom likes to tell this story to me to emphasize how difficult and picky I was. :-) Anyway, I think turning the socks inside out and putting the seam at the top seems like the best solution. I realize I actually still do this but I swear I don’t have any other weird sensory issues now!
Anon. says
My husband is/was the same way. Lots of stories of him as a toddler/young elementary schooler throwing fits because his socks hurt. Still very, very picky about his socks.
Anon says
I had a host of sensory issues, including sock issues, as a child–even past toddlerhood. I am minimally picky now but it is known to be a precursor for depression as an adult, which I learned as a young adult from a psychologist. I certainly don’t think there’s anything to fret about now, but would encourage you to not fight back about how clothing feels to your child (sounds like you’re not!) and to be aware that the correlation between sensory issues and depression exists. Good luck finding the right socks!
Anonymous says
Thanks so much! Very helpful perspective.
shortperson says
smartknitkids socks.
anon says
I have two daughters and sometimes reading this site and the main site makes me anxious for their future. (yes I am in therapy) So many women unhappy in their careers, marriages, or they want to get married, but can’t find someone to marry, etc. Is anyone out there actually content with their life the way it is?
my life has definitely shaped out to be very different than i thought it would, though not necessarily bad. i thought i would have a ‘big’ career, but by choice i became a bit of a trailing spouse and i now have a job that i really like, but earn pennies and can only live the life i live bc of DH’s salary, which makes me feel spoiled and a bit bad about myself as i see my law school classmates making partner in big law, which is something my 22 year old self thought I would do. sometimes i feel like my life is hard/stressful, yet i know there are people out there who have it so much harder. I am very fortunate in that so far in my life i’ve never had to worry about whether or not we will be able to pay our bills each month, but i know there are mothers working multiple jobs to provide for their families. not sure what i am asking for here, maybe just venting or wondering if anyone else ever feels similarly.
Mama Llama says
I am living a life that is better than anything I ever dreamed for myself when I was young. I wouldn’t change any of the big things in my life at all. That said, the day-to-day as a two working parent family with no extended family in town is still tough, and I still feel anxious about the future mainly due to climate change and the global political situation.
anne-on says
+1 – as more people move away from immediate family (and child rearing expectations increase) there is bound to be some stress as families figure it out.
CPA Lady says
100% this. Despite me complaining about my lean-out angst above… my life is basically perfect. My husband and I both grew up in less than ideal circumstances, and we regularly look at each other in shock at how amazing our life is now. We both work in good jobs and make a lot of money. Our house is awesome. We love our town. Our kid is healthy and well adjusted. Yes I get stressed, and yes I get jealous of my friends who have in town relatives who can help with their kids. I can count on my fingers the days I have been away from my child in the first four years of her life. Which is freaking exhausting sometimes. But my life is great and I am content.
Anononymous says
Being a trailing spouse is so rough! I’d say my life is pretty good, but I changed careers into a much less prestigious and lower paying field as a result of following my professor husband. Don’t feel guilty about the money! If you sacrificed your career for him, you deserve credit for some of his earnings.
HRHNYC says
I’m content! Life has its ups and downs (right now, down because hubby is about to have serious surgery because of a recent medical issue that was quite unexpected and scary). That said, on the whole I am happy and content with the decisions I’ve made and where I am. Two kids who are thriving, an interesting career, even if I work more hours than some, and a great community.
CHL says
I think this is normal for parents to do. To answer your question, I’m very content in my life but I spend a lot of time thinking about the tradeoffs I’m making, the stories I was told about life vs. my reality, and thinking really critical about what makes me happy. I try a lot to build resilience, creativity/flexibility and values in my kids (easier said than done) to give them the tools to make the life they choose. I think there is a certain amount of disconnect between how some kids grow up thinking their life will be like vs. how it turns out and how you deal with and adapt to that disconnect is more important to happiness than what the actual picture looks like.
Em says
I love my life and would say I’m typically very happy. I have a great husband, awesome son, I’m involved in volunteer work and our church, and have a career that is moderately challenging, pays well, and has good work/life balance. It isn’t what I imagined I would be doing when I was younger (high-power big-law job), but now that I have a kid and outside hobbies, I cannot imagine having a job like that.
Anon says
I am very content with my life the way it is. There are little day to day things I would love to change, but overall I’m really happy. I have a biglaw job presumably on track for partner but not up or out and that is supportive of my family commitments and lets me work from home one day a week (my husband calls this a unicorn job, and he’s probably right), a SAH husband and a thriving, happy toddler with plans to try for a second next year.
Katarina says
I am happy with how my life has turned out, although it is quite different than what I would have expected. My life is tiring and stressful. Even though, at this stage in life, I don’t want a more demanding job, and I don’t think I ever really will, I still sometimes feel envious of friends with big careers, which is what 22 year old me wanted. But 38 year old me loves my husband, my children, and my quiet, ordinary life in the suburbs.
FWIW people who are unhappy are much more likely to post on the internet about it than people who are happy.
Anon. says
Ditto basically all of this.
DLC says
I think, these sites, where you can post anonymously are the anti-Instagram/ FB and you should similarly take it all with a grain of salt. That is to say everything looks beautiful and perfect on social media, because those are the thoughts/ memories that people want to preserve and share. But when you can be anonymous, you can actually admit that you need help or are struggling, and that’s why the comments tend to skew that way. (I actually really like it when people post their life wins in the comments, but there is less support for those posts than the ones where you can commiserate.)
I actually am pretty happy with my life. I wish I had more work (I’m a freelancer), but I think that at least when I’m not working, I get time for my family and myself. Also, for perspective, my husband really struggles to be content- he wishes he could make more money, he has a lot of the child care burden (I work a lot of nights and weekends), his parents were in poor health then passed away suddenly. So I think not being content is possible anywhere, and is totally valid feeling.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think people tend to comment mostly about issues that are bothering them, which skews us into thinking that everyone is miserable in marriage, parenthood, singleness, etc. I have a great marriage with a truly equal partner and two healthy, (hopefully) happy kids, have some really close friends, have worked on myself in therapy and am generally more content with my life now than I ever have been in my life, despite it being more hectic and having more responsibilities for two young kiddos, a job, chores, etc. than I have in the past. My job isn’t the high-powered super prestigious role that I aspired to and I definitely don’t love it every day, but I’ve formed good relationships with some coworkers and there are aspects of it that work for right now.
To me, success and happiness is tied more toward maintaining positive relationships, whether that is with my spouse, my friends, my parents, or coworkers, which is a pretty different definition than how I was brought up. But I’m trying to instill that in my kids and hopefully they will grow up and form strong relationships of their own, regardless of any other external markers of “success.”
Spirograph says
My life is not much like I pictured it when I was younger, but I’m happy with how it has turned out so far. My job, kids and husband all annoy me sometimes, and there’s so much to do and not enough time, especially at the time of year. Sometimes I wonder why we make things so difficult and if we’d be happier if we moved somewhere cheaper and leaned out. But, I figure there will always be stressors in life, and mine are currently around the margins rather than real problems.
I love my family, I like where we live and our lifestyle. We have our health, good friends and the financial means to pursue hobbies we enjoy. I’m indifferent to my career and always have been, but my current job is 40-45 hours/week with a good salary, great commute and minimal bother outside of work hours, and that’s really all I ask. Day-to-day stress aside, I am content, and feel very fortunate.
Anon says
I’m so content with my life that I almost feel like Charlotte in the Sex and the City movie – I have everything I ever dreamed of and more, and I feel like something bad is going to happen, because it’s too good. That said, I’ve totally posted vents about day-to-day stresses. It’s a place for venting and seeking advice! I don’t think it means everyone posting is miserable. (It’s the same reason I hate when people on the main s!te use this page as a justification for not having kids like “Oh look at all the miserable moms posting over there, having kids seems so awful”…you’re seeing the hardest 1% of our lives here! The other 99% is amazing for many of us.)
Em says
I agree entirely! My life is amazing and I am so glad I am a parent, but I’m sure when I post here about the recent BS at our daycare or looking for snack suggestion because my baby was allergic to dairy it sounds mind numbing to someone without kids. Those are minute moments in my life, though.
Seafinch says
I really love my life. I married a full-in, hands on man who pulls more than his weight. I am a quasi-trailing spouse in that my career comes second to his but I actually make more money and absolutely love my job. We have had some great career opportunities which will continue. We got to take our kids abroad for a couple of years (my dream!), our house is run down but we will slowly work on it. It was a phenomenal investment. I don’t care about impressing anyone. We have a summer house that also needs lots of work but c’est la vie. Good problem to have, I think. We have lots of daily stressors like anyone. Our relationship is far from perfect and needs continuous work but I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I wanted a big family and am expecting my fourth. We have some financial pressure but careful planning will address it and keep us moving in the right direction. My kids are happy and healthy, I have great hours. My Au Pair drives me crazy but it is a matter of personality conflict. My kids are well looked after. I think a lot of it has to do with perspective. I could focus on the niggling little things or focus on the great things.
Annie says
Agreed with all. Day-to-day can be a slog, but overall I’m so thrilled with my life and what I have. It’s so much better than I pictured at 16.
Mama Llama says
Yes! At 16 I thought I would be married by 22, a mother by 25, have a marginal job and never leave my tiny hometown. At 25 I thought by 35 I would be forever single and an international human rights attorney superstar. At 35 I have a wonderful husband and kids, an unglamorous attorney job, and good work/life balance – it’s much better than either previous vision.
Seafinch says
Agree. I am very much a “roll with the punches type”. I am happy to adjust and adapt and feel like while I could have stayed on that super high pressure career stream, I wanted a big family more. I feel like we all make choices and you just have to accept that everything is a trade-off. Adjusting to not being a big deal at work took effort and time. Now I relish it. Reorientation is a brilliant thing!
Anonymous says
Yes. I am very content with my life. Like others in this situation I sometimes feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop! I have a job I love, a husband who is an equal partner, two healthy kids, a new house, we travel regularly. My friends joke that my life has gone exactly to plan. This isn’t to say that I don’t have daily stresses or squabbles etc.
Like others have said, this isn’t something people regularly post on the internet. You can imagine what kind of snarky replies would come to posts that will readily come off as a humble brag.
lawsuited says
I’m very happy. I think I am a naturally “half glass full” person which helps, but I’m married to an enlightened, supportive man and we really enjoy each other and the process of figuring out life’s challenges together. I love parenting my son and he brings far more joy than anything else to my life. I like my job and my co-workers, and although I find myself less fulfilled by work since becoming a parent (because I get more fulfillment from home life now), work still feels interesting and worthwhile to me.
I’m not sure this is what you’re asking, but I’ve been told that I’m a very confident person (and I think that’s a fair assessment), and so it never occurred to me that I shouldn’t have a life I love. I think that was pretty foundational in making it possible for me to craft one. Raise confident daughters with strong self-worth and I don’t think you’ll have to worry about them as much.
JTX says
I have one of those hanging advent calendars from PB Kids but I’m at a loss for what to put in it. My kids (both boys) are 3 and 5. Ideas other than chocolate or candy? Do I just fill the thing with Hot Wheels?
Anonymous says
You could get one of those book advent calendars from Barnes & Noble, the kind that have 24 tiny books each containing part of a larger holiday story, and put one book in each pocket. Or fill it with 24 of your existing ornaments so they could hang one on the tree each day. Or fill it with the pieces from a Lego advent calendar.
AwayEmily says
Filling it with existing ornaments is so smart. Definitely stealing that idea.
mascot says
How about notes? We have a refillable ornament on our tree that my husband started putting little trinkets in for our kid to find every day. He’s put letters/notes to kid in it, put scavenger hunt instructions to find something in the house (which ended up being some holiday word searches), etc. You could also do stickers, legos, pencils, puzzles where you break up the pieces over several days.
Anonymous says
Fingerpuppets? Playdough or silly putty? Cool magnets? Stickers? Light-up toy (or glowsticks ring?)?
Basically anything in the Target dollar section that is small enough to fit.
Anonymous says
You can buy a fun little ornament and have them move it from pouch to pouch as the month goes by. Then you only need to buy one thing!
Anonymous says
That’s what my mom did when I was a kid. I didn’t know you could score a treat every day until I got older and went to other kids’ houses, but by then I was fine with moving the little star every day.
Anonymous says
Lego dudes (they have LEGO advent calendars actually); bouncy balls; a small slinky; a kazoo…. (link in reply)
Anonymous says
https://www.etsy.com/listing/642982060/advent-calendar-goodies-25-non-candy?
JTX says
Thanks all for the great ideas! I think I will do a mix of notes with fun things to do (make an ornament, drive around and look at lights, write a letter to Santa, etc.), small toys (bag of water beads, magic grow capsules, hot wheels, bouncy balls, etc.), and a few treats (starburst, lollipops).
New Mom says
Gave birth month ago and had a second-degree tear. May stitches fell out/ruptured at the skin level and they now have essentially a bad first-degree tear. My midwives have never seen a case like this before so I guess it’s very rare. They advised not to get it re-stitched but to see if it will heal on its own. I have a second opinion with an OB/GYN next week. Retur my midwives have never seen a case like this before so I guess it’s very rare. They advise not to get it re-stitched butt to see if it will heal on its own. I have a second opinion with an OB/GYN next week.
Has anyone ever experienced this before? Med wise advised it will be another six weeks before I’m fully healed. In the meantime I’m supposed to rest and keep my legs together at all times. I basically housebound and not allowed to exercise. It’s causing me to feel quite depressed. Other than sitz baths, does anyone have any advice to get through this and heal more quickly? I had a natural birth and hopes to avoid tearing and I’m so discouraged that this happened to me.
Anon says
No advice, but sending you hugs. That is awful.
Anonymous says
+1000 – so many hugs.
Anonymous says
Hugs. That must be so hard. I would definitely follow up with a second opinion as soon as you can. Next week is great – but maybe call every morning to see if there are cancellations to fit you in earlier? My stitches this time took a long time to heal (though nothing like you), longer than with a worse tear last time, and when they were still hurting at 8 weeks they got me in right away, literally the same day. The verdict might be to re-stitch (in which case if it were me, I’d want to do it asap to shorten the weeks of healing), but it might also be PT if things are healing but uncomfortable, or they might prescribe estrogen cream or something to help it heal faster (this helped me a ton, but still going in for PT to loosen the scar tissue). Do you have the lidocaine spray from the hospital? I relied on that pretty heavily for a very long time this go-round, and it’s available at some drug stores and on amazon if you run out. Also ask about topical lidocaine cream, if it’s really going to be another 6 weeks – my guess is that won’t work if it’s an open wound, but I was also prescribed that.
Anonymous says
Sitz with witch hazel in it, and use it at least 3x a day. So so sorry you’re going through this!
Nonny says
I had something similar happen (tearing and then an episiotomy). It took 14 weeks until I was cleared for exercise. It sucked and coupled with breastfeeding challenges,it was a really depressing and isolated time. Sitz baths were effective and later estrogen cream and one round of silver nitrate helped the healing process. I ultimately went to physical therapy, which sorted everything. Generally, things are going to heal how they are going to heal even if you move around a bit, so don’t isolate yourself or Google obsessively for horror stories (like me). Tell friends that you’ve been advised to have minimal movement for the next few weeks, and you’d love them to come by, drive and meet them for lunch, ask them to help you decorate for the holidays, watch cheesy movies, etc. My very best wishes to you for healing.
Anon says
I’m so sorry. I had a rough time healing from my second degree tear, and it took about 10-12 weeks for me to feel even remotely normal and to resume some basic level of physical activity (like, being able to walk around the grocery store without pain – forget exercising).
I found that switching to cotton pads (if you still need pads) helped with my healing process. Also, I had some hidden scar tissue that was causing me lingering discomfort. My OB was able to help with that pretty quickly and easily, and I wish I would have gone in to see her sooner, as I feel the healing process really sped up once that was gone.
I feel like the physical aspect of postpartum recovery isn’t really discussed and it was one of the hardest things for me in those first three months.
Anon2 says
+1 on the cotton pads and ditching those awful chemical-filled ones. I wore a panty liner for a few weeks after lochia had mostly stopped and I was in so much pain I thought I had re-torn. Turns out the panty liners were irritating me. When I ditched them the pain went away. I am now stocking up on cotton pads/silicone cup for future periods.
Anon says
I had a very similar experience. A salt water pool actually healed me. Anything similar to this like the sitz bath should help. I feel your pain literally but it will get better.
Allowance says
Can I do a quick survey? When did you start giving allowance to your kids, and how much? I was thinking we’d start my kid off with an allowance when he starts kindergarten. Is that normal? Is $1 per year (so, $5 for a $5 year old, $10 for a 10 year old) too little / too much? Do you all have rules about 10% of allowance needs to go into savings, or anything like that?
TUA,
Anonymous says
When I was a kid, I started getting allowance when I was about 8. I got half my age (in singles and quarters), and I had to divide it into 3 equal categories: spend now, savings, and college fund. Once a month or so, we would go to the toy store and spend our “spend now” money. It only lasted until I got to middle school and could earn money on my own.
SC says
I first got an allowance around the time I was 7 or 8. I plan to give my child $0.50 per year, plus an opportunity to earn more (maybe up to $1 per year) by doing chores above and beyond his normally assigned chores.
I plan to discuss spending and saving and giving, but I don’t know whether it really teaches a kid anything to require it–maybe for a couple of years so they see some examples of savings adding up and paying off, or of it feeling good to give to someone in need.
As I got older, one thing my parents did that I really appreciate was giving me more money than was typical (by the end of high school, way more), but making me responsible for purchasing a lot of stuff out of that allowance. As an adult, I have an understanding that money is used for a wide variety of things, including needs, and that there are a lot of trade-offs. DH always received pretty small allowances (like $5 a week in high school in the early aughts), and he has a hard time managing money because (a) $5 didn’t buy much, so his parents really controlled and decided everything, and (b) it’s emotionally difficult for DH to part with money, even for needs like groceries and health insurance, so he just puts off normal parts of adulting.
Anon says
+1 to this. My parents gave me a pretty big allowance (I think $200 a month?) but I had to buy gas for my car, meals whenever I went out with friends, most clothing, and all my lunches if I didn’t pack my own. Of course this was the early 00s so money went further, but I did have to stick to a budget and it taught me a lot about managing money.
Anonymous says
+1 In high school I got $50/week but was responsible for buying myself most things. My parents paid for gas because I drive my sibs around and would buy “specialized” things, e.g. the hiking boots I needed for a family vacation, but all other clothing etc was my responsibility.
Redux says
Along these lines, does anyone have advice on a book about teaching financial literacy? Rich Dad Poor Dad was popular for sometime, though it’s 20 years old now and I wonder if post-recession advice may be different. Plus I don’t love the immediate gendering up front and it makes me suspicious of the book from the start. I didn’t read it and have no idea if the advice is good or not.
My mom used to always say that she never wanted us to be without pocket money because she didn’t want us to get in trouble for it– i.e., be inclined to steal, or unable to make a phone call, or buy a slice of pizza. So, she often just handed us a $20 when we were on our way out. She grew up really poor and I think it was her way of trying to protect us from what she experienced. At the same time we didn’t get paid to do household chores because my mom said that was part of being a member of a family. I made money babysitting for other families and could basically do what I wanted with it, within reason. We had bank accounts and debt cards really early and I learned to write a check and was an authorized user on my parents’ credit card to start building credit. I was always a bit baffled by kids who got allowances for doing nothing. But in retrospect I suppose a weekly allowance makes more sense than random $20 bills.
Emily S. says
I really like “The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money.” It was published in 2015, it is accessible (I have basic financial literacy and I followed it just fine), and seems like really well reasoned, non-judgmental advice.
Anonymous says
We started with $5 per week at age 5. That was enough that she could realistically save for larger goals such as Lego kits. We increased it to $10 at age 10.
As parents, we pay for her clothes, school supplies, food, books, toiletries, haircuts, cell phone, and family outings. She pays for “extras” including toys, apps, outings with friends, souvenirs, tchotchkes, magazines, graphic novels, makeup, arts and craft supplies, etc. All purchases must conform to family rules (e.g., no apps without parental approval, only 5-free nail polish). We do tend to go a little overboard with birthday and holiday gifts, as it’s our only chance to enjoy picking out special treats or to provide her with big-ticket wants such as electronics and pricey STEM toys. We do not tie the allowance to chores, although she has several regular chores and is required to help out with other tasks when we ask. This is designed to send the message that everyone contributes to the household no matter what, and to give us flexibility in excusing her from chores when we feel it’s necessary.
Having an allowance has been a great learning experience. There was some initial trial and error, including a little money wasted on toys that didn’t turn out to be that entertaining, but she has turned into a pretty savvy little shopper. She will regularly say things such as “This thing looks really cool, but I don’t think it’s worth the price because I would probably get bored with it right away,” “I really want this but I am saving for XYZ thing that I want even more,” and “I like this, so I will think about it and come back to buy it next week if I still want it then.” She once picked out some decorations for her room, decided that what she’d chosen was too expensive, and figured out how to achieve the same effect for one-third the cost. She also has a good understanding of the value of money and why and how we prioritize our family spending. Around ninth or tenth grade, we plan to increase her allowance and put her in charge of most of her expenses other than food and family outings.
We do not require her to save a certain percentage of her allowance, but we do encourage her to keep $40 or so on hand at all times in case of unexpected spending needs/opportunities. This is because I think it’s easier to learn to save by saving for a concrete goal she has set herself on her own terms, than if she is just required to put money aside for some nebulous reason. She does have a separate savings account for future young adult needs that she can currently see but not access, funded by the sale of her outgrown items and gifts from grandparents. When she wants to donate to a charity, we match her contributions.
AwayEmily says
This is amazing — great blueprint for the future. Thanks for posting — your daughter is lucky to have you!
SC says
Love this!
We also try to teach that “everybody helps” around the house, and I’m hesitant to tie chores to allowance for that reason. (I have the same mentality about paying for grades.) But DH works part-time but is mostly a SAHD who handles a ton of childcare and cooking and cleaning, so I ALSO want to teach my son that these things have value, including monetary value, and are as important as me working at an office. (The amount we used to spend on a cleaning service and yard work and Blue Apron and takeout is mind-boggling to me today.) The compromise I have in my head is to have standard chores Kiddo is expected to do and that are not tied to allowance, plus opportunities to do earn money by doing other stuff–maybe seasonal or just irregular jobs. I have a couple of years to think about it though!
Redux says
This is a really good point about domestic work being real work that is compensable. Thanks for raising this.
Spirograph says
My parents had this model when I was growing up. Chores are chores, and each of us had some that were required. Our allowance wasn’t tied to it, but if we did none of our chores, we got none of our allowance that week. The reasoning was that if we weren’t contributing as part of the family, we weren’t entitled to the family perk of universal income.
My mom also had a list of extra jobs and the amount they paid. We got paid upon satisfactory completion of the work. Sometimes my siblings and I would collaborate on the big jobs and split the money.
We meant to start giving my oldest an allowance of $5/week when he started Kindergarten, but I forgot in the midst of all the Kindergarten adjustment strife, so now we’re planning to start in January.
Mrs. Jones says
We started giving our son an allowance at age 7. He gets $3 per week, divided among save/spend/share.
New to Daycare says
My LO started daycare this week and he’s been sleeping a ton both there and at home. Way more than normal. He’s only 3 months old and is in an infant room, so it’s not like there are kids running everywhere, but it’s still a lot more hectic than what he’s used to. Is this normal starting daycare stuff, or should I worry?
I know he will probably make up for it by not sleeping tonight or the whole weekend (fun times!) But my real concern is that he is sick or just overly stressed from all the stimulation (not sure what I can do about that, thou.)
Anon says
I think it’s normal and healthy. The new environment and new people are stimulating, but not in a bad way. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Anonymous says
Are you sure he is really sleeping that much while there? Our daycare’s sleeping reports never seemed especially reliable.
New to Daycare says
True; they have one of those apps that keeps track of what he’s doing when, but maybe the reports are overstating it a bit. He was asleep when I picked him up yesterday – sound sound asleep, to the point where he barely woke up when I put him in his carseat – and slept the whole way home and for another half an hour after that. Then he slept on and off most of the evening and through the night last night. I’m not complaining, I was just surprised.
KW says
DH and I are invited to 2 weddings this month and I just had a baby 2 months ago. I’m still about 15 lbs from my non-pregnancy weight so I probably need to buy something new to wear. But I work in a casual office and wear jeans and sweaters every day in the winter so anything I buy for the weddings likely won’t get worn very often. Also, I live in the Midwest so it will be cold/snowy. I have some skinny black pants that fit. Would a sparkly top work with those? I think I have black and red pencil skirts that possibly fit also. Or would some type of dress be better? Basically, what should I wear and where should I buy it at a reasonable price? Thanks.
KW says
And by “this month,” I meant “in December.” Apparently I’m over the month of November already!
AwayEmily says
I think a dress would be better than pants. But you can get pretty cheap/forgiving dresses at Target/Old Navy — as long as you dress it up with a sparkly statement necklace and put your hair up it’ll be fine.
Anonymous says
I think you should buy something that fits that you love and feel very confident in, and consider it an investment in your mental health. Velvet dress with and tights? Assuming the wedding is indoors, you probably don’t need to bundle up that much, right? (Sorry not to be more specific, just wanted to encourage you to be “impractical” if you can afford it – early motherhood is hard, treat yourself).
Anon says
This! That said, as a a new mom you pretty much get a pass, so if you’re more comfortable dressing up in pants, go for it!
Personally, I would get a dress that fits because that’s what I’d feel most comfortable in at a wedding. But that’s just me; wear what makes you feel good about yourself. Pants can be completely appropriate for a wedding.
I will add that, as someone who recently had a baby, putting on a new dress that actually fit (two sizes larger than my normal size) and heels for my sons baptism was such a game changer. I felt human again.
Anonymous says
Agreed! I had several weddings in the 3-4 month PP period. For one I bought one of those nursing dresses from ASOS (maybe $50?). For another I spent about $70, but ended up wearing the dress to two weddings. For both I bought pre-preg size and used heavy duty spanx. Those are your friend here.
FWIW I have seen people in black pants and nice top at a wedding. I definitely noticed, but it in no way bothered me or seemed inappropriate.
Anonymous says
I would check out the options at Rent the Runway.
Anonymous says
This is exactly what Rent the Runway is made for.
ElisaR says
A day late here so I hope you see this! I was in your situation earlier this year. I rented a great dress (twice, once for each wedding) in 2 different colors from Rent the Runway. I am/was 15 lbs over weight and self conscious and this dress was great. Very forgiving and I could wear a real bra with it! Branch was Cooper & Ella and it was called “Black Maren Drape Dress”It costs about $50 to rent it.
ElisaR says
oops. Brand. Not branch. Duh
Marshmallow says
I need some help with my Christmas list! I’m having my first baby in early March and would like to ask for things that will make my life a little easier during mat leave. My sister suggested Audible so I can “read” with my hands full or while nursing, which is an awesome idea (I’m a huge reader and not much of a TV watcher). I thought of meal kit delivery, but it’s a little too far out after Christmas to feel right asking for now. I already have a nice robe and a Netflix subscription. What else made your life better during those first few months and was for YOU, not the baby?
Anonymous says
YMMV but I found it super easy to read my Kindle while nursing and sound from an audiobook would have distracted the baby – maybe not immediately, but certainly by 2 months or so.
I lived in cardigans and tanks the first few months – you just push the tank up to nurse and the cardigan keeps you warm, so I’d definitely request one or two cozy cardigans if you don’t have any.
A nice big water bottle is good – you’ll drink a lot and it’s hard to go refill it when you have a baby to watch.
Healthy-ish snacks (you’ll eat ALL THE TIME and you may feel kind of lethargic if you eat a lot of junk, I definitely did). I liked cheese, nuts, hummus and peanut butter, so gourmet versions of those things could be a good gift.
Congrats!
Anonymous says
Nice quality, high-waisted leggings (Zella from Nordstrom is great). I wore these constantly.
I think the audible idea is a good one! I definitely listened to podcasts while b-feeding. My guy did not start getting distracted until well after maternity leave, so I could watch TV or listen to podcasts and he didn’t care. Along with that good Bluetooth headphones might be nice? Altho I’d just keep my phone playing on speaker, sitting next to me.
If you have a favorite coffee shop, maybe a gift certificate there – I enjoyed getting out of the house and treating myself to a latte and scone.
anon says
I read my kindle a ton when I was nursing. Baby in one arm, kindle in the other, on a pillow so I wouldn’t have to hold it up. When you are very first learning in the hospital, it seems like it would be impossible to do anything else while you are nursing, but you will eventually figure it out.
I actually asked for a tablet for Christmas when my son was a baby so I could also look at the internet while nursing. This was back in 2014, you probably already have one.
Elle says
If you’re wanting to do audible, I’d also ask for Airpods or some other easy bluetooth earbuds.
CBG says
Gift certificate for a massage/spa! Nursing killed my neck/shoulders way more than I expected. Massages every few weeks saved me. My mom even went with me and held the baby while I was getting a massage so I wasn’t away for that long. also a wrap and/or soft structured carrier helps to get things done if you don’t already have one.
Anon says
Grocery delivery subscription service. Nice pajamas with a button front shirt (I like the Moonlight I think Nordstrom brand). If you go with the audible, consider an echo or other speaker – my husband frequently listens to books while rocking our toddler on the echo. Also nice with echo + smart plugs to be able to turn off and on lights without having to touch a lightswitch (see how I woke up my then-sleeping toddler at 11 am when I tried to put her down in a nursery where I’d left the light on and already had my hands full with her).
Anonymous says
How do you break the habit of your baby needing a bottle/boob as part of a sleeptime routine? My 10 month is currently nursed or fed a formula bottle before every nap or bedtime. As she gets older and eats more solids, she really doesn’t need the extra calories of an additional bottle right before every nap. She has no problems on weekends going down for her first nap after a solids breakfast and one nursing session, but on weekdays when the order is reversed (I nurse her, leave, then nanny feeds her solids) she won’t go down until she gets a formula bottle – I know she doesn’t need this extra bottle (and she’s very chunky, so the extra calories are a concern). I think we just have to break the association between bottle/breast feeding and sleep – especially because she will be stopping formula cold turkey in 2 months, right? – but I’m not sure how to do it.
Mama Llama says
Have you tried putting water in the bottle? Or reducing the amount? I would try to break the association gradually.
Anonymous says
I don’t know if this is the right answer, but we did it by sleep training at night. Moved nursing to the beginning of the bedtime routine and put LO down wide awake. It was painful, but it worked. Did it right around the time he started with the nanny at 5mos and she also put him down awake for naps. She was very confident and probably like 98% of the reason he sleep trained so well, because I sure didn’t know what I was doing lol.
OP says
Sorry if I wasn’t clear before. We currently put her in her crib wide awake and she soothes herself to sleep. It’s just that the bottle/breast has become part of her pre-sleep routine and she expects it right before a nap or night.
EB0220 says
We slowly reduced the amount of breastfeeding/amount of milk in the bottle until it was almost nothing. Then we cuddled before bed instead of feeding. I was worried, but it was a total non-event for both of my girls! (That being said, they were a little older…maybe 14 months?)
Anonymous says
If your pediatrician is concerned about her weight, take the advice that everyone else is giving you. But if your pediatrician isn’t concerned, and giving a small bottle is what she wants and what is easiest for you, I’d like to offer the (minority) perspective that this isn’t a battle worth fighting.
Our kids both liked a bottle before bed until they both just decided they didn’t one night. For the first, it was around 19 months? A little earlier for the second. They got formula in the bottle until 1 year, then cows milk after. Once they got teeth, we brushed those after the bottle and before bed.
Letting them wait until they were ready to give it up meant it wasn’t a struggle at all. And because it was only a bottle here or there, the dentist wasn’t concerned about how it would affect their teeth or bite. Our pediatrician insisted that our kids “should” give up the bottles by a year but could never give me a satisfactory answer as to what harm an occasional bottle would do, so I just ignored her.
Like I said, a minority perspective, but if you take everyone else’s advice to drop the bottle and are miserable because your baby won’t sleep, it’s ok to walk away and live to fight another day.
Anonymous says
Question re making new “mom friends.”
I am newly expecting my second (due July), my daughter is almost three. We’ve moved across the country since my daughter was born and honestly, haven’t really made an effort to make friends in our new city (busy with work/family plus local family nearby plus being introverts)…
I was thinking my pregnancy + the 3-4 months of leave I will be taking after birth would be a good time to actually make a bit of an effort to joint groups or whatever for my socialization and maybe, potentially, meeting longer-term friends with kids the same age. Any tips? Suggestions on types of groups?
FWIW I basically holed up inside when my last baby was born (winter) and was perfectly happy, but…
Anonymous says
I tried during my leave, but I pretty much only met SAHMs. They were pleasant but we didn’t connect and didn’t stay in touch once I went back to work because our lives were so different. I’d say that it’s actually much easier once your baby starts daycare because all the parents at daycare drop-off work.
Anonymous says
Yeah, this has been my experience. Not to say it’s not worth it to try your luck — and in any case, it’s good to have other new moms to socialize with SAHMs or not, even if you don’t have a ton in common.
Sarabeth says
If you intend to breastfeed, I had good experiences with breastfeeding support groups in two cities. That said, I made a similar move around the time of my second child’s birth, and tried the same strategy, but found it hard to bond with other moms in the same way that I had the first time around. The moms really looking for friends were usually on their fist kid, and my experience was different from theirs in some important ways. My closest parent friends in my new city have actually come through my older kid. Starting around 4, she wanted playdates with her daycare friends all the time, and we ended up becoming close to some of those parents.
Anonymous OP says
Thanks, good point about the older kid. My daughter hasn’t really asked for play dates with daycare friends yet and we figure she gets lots of socialization at daycare (plus, daycare is near work, not home, so families are pretty spread out). Maybe I can wait until she starts the neighborhood kindergarten!
Anonymous says
We had a similar situation (day care near my office, far from home), and I didn’t meet any mom friends until my daughter started kindergarten and joined a Girl Scout troop in our neighborhood. Girl Scouts was especially helpful because in the early years there was a lot of parent involvement required, so we spent quite a bit of time with the other families.
FVNC says
Host a 3rd birthday party for your daughter and invite everyone from her daycare class! My family moved to a new city just before our daughter turned three. We invited all her new classmates to a birthday party explicitly for the purpose of meeting their parents. I wound up clicking with a small group of moms and have become good friends with two of them over the past two years.
Anonymous says
This.
Also, hospital new moms groups were a good way for me to meet people, and prenatal yoga if you are into that. If there is a neighborhood association, definitely get involved with that. Hyper-local friends are easiest with kids, and I socialize with my neighbors more than anyone.
pdx anon says
Where do you live? We moved cross country with our now 3 year old when he was 17 months, and now have an infant, and I’d love more mom friends! With both children, new-parent support groups have been ways to meet people (one was breastfeeding focused and I joined even though no longer breastfeeding). Preschool is also a great way to meet people! I also have been known to stop people in our neighborhood on the street if they have kids the right age.
Anonymous says
Has anyone done a cruise with a toddler? Not looking for opinions on cruises in general (we’ve been before and I know the food is not great) but specifically on the logistics of doing this with an active toddler?
rakma says
We did a cruise this spring, with an 18 month old, a 4 year old, and my sister had a 5 and 2 year old. We also had a set of grandparents with us.
Look at the kid’s activity area set up. Our ship had a play room for the under 2 crowd, which was a nice place to go and run around. The bigger girls spent a lot of time at the kid’s club, which was great for getting energy out.
We had the 18mo walk to meals a lot, so she’d be a little tired and want to sit for at least 5 minutes. Meals were haphazard, but we found that the sit down meals were easier to manage than the buffet. The umbrella stroller was worth the room it took up, we stuck it in the closet when it wasn’t in use.
Everyone ended up getting seasick, the room steward was amazing about it. We overpacked for everyone but me, so I ended up sending some laundry out. It was so lovely I might plan for it if we ever cruise again.
Anonymous says
I have an all-day interview and will need a break or two for pumping. Any advice on how to word an email asking to pump during an interview? Ugh hope it’s not used against me.
Emily S. says
Every time I’ve had to ask for an accommodation for pumping, it’s been honored, no big deal. I’ve been honest and to the point: “I have a 3 month old daughter, and I will need access to a lactation room around 10 am and 3 p.m. Do you have a room to accommodate me?” Mentioning the baby humanizes you and asking for a mom’s room or lactation room means you don’t have to say pumping. It’s awkward, but being straightforward and using a combination of humanizing and clinical terms seems to take the awkwardness out of it. Good luck with the interview!
Wow says
I really like this phrasing.
Anonymous says
The way I’ve done this (for all day meetings) is to be quite matter of fact, along the lines of “As we set up the logistics for my interview day, please note that I will need access to a lactation room (or a similar private space) and will need to build in two breaks of approximately 30 minutes during the day. Can you please help with the logistics for this?” The first time I had to do this I was really sweating it, but the folks on the receiving end of my requests treated it like no big deal.
anon says
If it is used against you, you don’t want to work there.
Anonymous says
My husband has an out of town conference on our baby’s first birthday. It’s optional but he would like to go, but for the conflict. Should we all go? I want us to be together, but I don’t much care where we celebrate it. We don’t really have local friends and baby isn’t in daycare, so we weren’t planning a party anyway. She won’t care if she doesn’t have photos of her smashing a cake, right? On the other hand, my husband tends toward the workaholic side and I don’t want to set a precedent where he thinks it’s fine for him to skip town on her birthday because of course soon she’ll want a party and care about having us both there.
anon says
You can do the cake smashing on a different day? We always have birthday parties on a day that is different from the actual day, usually because the party is on a weekend. I think it depends on how important the day of is to you. My husband travels a lot during May and that is when two of my kids’ birthdays are. I want him there for the parties, but not necessarily the day of. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask that he not travel on a weekend (when the party usually is). Weekdays are harder to avoid, and I get that. We don’t make a huge deal out of the day of, and it’s never been an issue. One year he did have a non-optional trip on the day of my son’s birthday party, but that was a once-in-a-decade kind of thing (although I totally held it over his head – my son didn’t care at all).
Anonymous says
Unless it’s really a really important precedent-setting thing, I would just do it another day. Babies do not care about their birthdays. In fact, I’m going to miss my own kid’s first birthday, and I’m not too concerned about ti.