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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
anne-on says
Curious about a Halloween tradition – growing up the neighbors on our block would always make up small ‘goodie’ bags for the kids just on our street – with a few pieces of candy, some change, small toys (like a pencil) and put it in a special Halloween bag. This was for maybe the 4-6 kids who lived on the block? These were the adults my parents were most friendly with, and I always thought it was nice of them to do, and a sweet way to acknowledge that neighbors were special. I planned to do the same this year for the 10 kids on our block – my husband had never heard of this. Did any of your neighbors do something similar for you growing up?
mascot says
We didn’t do it, but its a cute idea. Our neighborhood is doing “We’ve Been Booed” (I think some places call it Ghosting) You drop off a a few goodies anonymously at neighbors houses. They then do it to someone else. You get a little sign for your door so you can tell who has gotten Boo-ed. My kid was really excited to see the gifts someone left us and has been planning who we should boo.
PhilanthropyGirl says
I feel like my mom did this one year when I was a child. We don’t live in a true neighborhood now, and have never done this – but under the right context would certainly do it again. I think it’s thoughtful in an age when it seems like we often don’t even see our neighbors to say hello.
Anon in NYC says
That’s really cute. Our neighborhood didn’t do anything like that.
Meg Murry says
Our next door neighbors do this for our kids and the 3-4 other kids on the block. I’m pretty sure it’s because they don’t otherwise get trick or treaters , and they really like to see the kids in costume. They have grandkids that don’t live nearby, so I think they send the same goody bags to the grandkids. They also really like to decorate and do other pinterest-y crafts, so that could be part of it as well. Some years it also includes homemade treats like popcorn balls, cookies, etc – the kind of things that you can’t give out to general trick-or-treaters anymore, only to people who you actually know that won’t throw it out due to paranoia.
We usually go there first, before we set out trick-or-treating, because they often include a glow stick or reflective decal in the bag, which my kids like.
It’s a cute tradition and my kids like it, but I wouldn’t say it’s something you *have* to do, but if it makes you happy it would be fun to do.
Meg Murry says
Oh, but if you do decide to do this, let your neighbors know “hey, I’ve got a treat for your kid, make sure you stop by during trick or treat”. I felt bad the first year because we didn’t go there our first year (it was bad weather so we only took the kid to couple of houses) and she brought over the goody bags the next day.
Anonymous says
My mom did it for our neighborhood friends. A couple of our neighbors do it for our kids. I’m not organized enough for that so I just give extra candy to my kids’ friends.
empresria says
Our neighbors did this! Most kids just got candy but when my sister and I came to the door, we got little treat bags. I loved it.
Beth says
Growing up, our neighbors did this. We got stuff like candy apples, cookies, and candy–stuff you’d only eat from people you know.
Anononymous says
My mom always made popcorn balls for the kids we knew well. (Maybe 4 dozen or so?) That included kids from church, my cousins, some of the neighbor kids (some weren’t allowed to play with us because we were the wrong religion)(not that they Trick-or-Treated) and always a few extra in case any of her students came by (my mom was a teacher).
Anonymous says
With the recent guidelines that newborns should sleep in parents’ room for a minimum of six months, I’m wondering what you do for the baby’s sleeping surface in that room? Take the crib out of the nursery and put it in the master bedroom (not that I expect a ton of visitors in the early days, but wouldn’t a crib-less nursery look super weird)? Buy a crib for both the nursery and the master bedroom (seems wasteful, expensive)? Leave the full-size crib in the nursery and buy a bassinet for the master bedroom (but a baby would outgrow this before 6 months, no? or are there jumbo bassinets that can fit six month olds)? Space in the master bedroom is not an issue thankfully…we have a small house and most of our bedrooms are quite tiny but the master is enormous.
PhilanthropyGirl says
So when Philanthropy Baby was born, those recommendations hadn’t been made yet. We had an heirloom bassinet that we used in our very small bedroom. He outgrew it around 3 months, which worked well for us at the time as I was back at work and my noisy sleeper went into his own room.
With the new guidelines I don’t know what we’ll do, but the most likely option for us is either a mini-crib or a pack-n-play. Our room is very small and we don’t have the space to relocate a dresser like someone suggested yesterday. But even now when we have guests we’ll sometimes put an air mattress in the nursery and put the toddler in the pack-n-play in our room. It just barely fits in the corner. I imagine a mini-crib would have a similar footprint. Our pack-n-play has the bassinet feature, and many now even have a little changing pad as well. That would probably be the most space and cost effective route to keep baby in my room, even up to 12 months if I so desired.
GCA says
+1 pack and play with the bassinet layer. We were in a studio till kiddo was 10 months, and we used the bassinet for a good 4.5 of those months,. After that he was getting up on hands and knees and starting to pull on the edge. Reaching all the way into the pack and play was a pain until he could stand up, though. Ouch.
I wouldn’t bother with the changing pad attachment; it’ll have to be removed for sleeping anyway. We used a regular changing pad on bed or floor.
All told, we used the pack & play for 13 months, and now that we’re in a 1-bedroom, the toddler bed is in our room. How small is a small room? Ours just fits a queen bed, two small side tables, and the toddler bed in the corner.
Closet Redux says
Can you link to the bassinet layer? I am not sure I know what you mean. The ones I’ve found online look teeny– how long would you expect that to last?
GCA says
I mean something like the green portion of this: https://www.overstock.com/Baby/Graco-Pack-n-Play-Playard-with-Bassinet-Go-Green/6573663/product.html
It is small; but I have friends whose 2-year-old is still sleeping happily in the bottom of a pack and play.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Yes – that is similar to what we used.
The Graco bassinet is weighted to 15 pounds – so how long you can use it depends on your child. But my 2 year old still sleeps in the bottom of a pack ‘n’ play when we’re at my parents’ house. He’s going to be climbing out of it and terrorizing the house long before he’s too heavy to sleep in it.
CLMom says
We also used an heirloom bassinet in our room. I think we transitioned baby to her nursery/crib around 2-3 months.
PrettyPrimadonna says
My now-four month old baby slept in a pack and play in our room until about three weeks ago, at which point we moved her to the crib in her nursery. About three weeks before these new guidelines came out. Ugh.
I will not put her back in the pack and play as she seems much more comfy in her crib. Considering moving the crib into our bedroom, though.
quail says
We have a huge bedroom (and the nursery is the same shape/size) and just moved the crib into our room after the baby outgrew the rock-n-play he slept in for two months, which we kept by my side of the bed (and moved around for naps during the day). We kept the nursery as it was, with half the room being used as the “office” (with a couch and the desktop computer in there) until he started sleeping in the nursery at six months. Changing table was in the nursery and served to separate the office space from the nursery space (we used an 8 cube expedit). Our IKEA crib was light and easy to move. We didn’t really hang out in the nursery much before he started sitting up/crawling, except to watch movies on the computer – and then it was nice to have baby sleeping in the bedroom, not the nursery.
I didn’t even think about how it looked, honestly, and it worked great. Obviously YMMV on roomsharing but it was not a problem for us at all, sleepwise.
Anon in NYC says
We had a bassinet which our tall baby outgrew at 2 months. We don’t have space for anything larger in our master, so she went into the crib in her own room. My recommendation, if you want to follow the 6 months guideline, is to buy a pack and play because you’ll still be able to use it for things like travel once your child moves to his or her crib.
lsw says
We have a small house also, only two bedroom, and our master bedroom is huge as well. My stepdaughter is in the other bedroom, so we converted the sunroom on the first floor for the baby’s room. He’s been napping in his crib in his room during the day (we have nanny/my mom throughout the week), but still sleeps with us. He is 3.5 months, and outgrowing the bassinet. We borrowed a Halo Bassinest from a friend. We’re going to start putting him in a pack and play starting this week. (Suddenly he looked like he was going to rocket out of that thing.)
I didn’t want a crib in our room, even though we have the room – it’s already in his bedroom, and I didn’t want to buy two. He’s slept fine in a pack and play when we’ve traveled, so I’m hoping it will work out.
Anonymous says
We had the crib in the nursery while the baby was in the bassinette. When baby moved to crib, we moved the crib (only had to take off one side to get in the door) into the master. We had a pack and play in the nursery so I had somewhere to put baby down when I was putting away laundry etc. We put the rocking chair in the master because we had space.
Ikea sells a functional, non ugly crib that’s like $100 so it’s cheaper than a pack and play if you hate how pack and plays look.
Anonymous says
Adding that I had the crib on the highest setting which with the boxspring on my bed, gave me enough height to be able to stick my hand into the crib and lay it on baby’s belly if he was stirring at night. That’s often settled him without having to move/open my eyes etc.
Meg Murry says
Part of me feels like this is a reason to try to sell people more baby *stuff*. Oh, you need a rock and play, bassinet, mini-crib, full sized crib, toddler bed, etc etc.
With my second we moved when I was 7 months pregnant and had a 4 year old, so we were kinda lazy about it (and had a a lot of other renovation projects to make the house livable so the baby room wasn’t priority). Baby slept in a mini pack and play (I think it was called Travel Lite?) in our bedroom, and the crib sat unassembled in pieces in his bedroom until he was 5 months old. We kept the baby in our room until he was 9 months old out of mostly laziness (easier to nurse in the middle of the night) and economics – we only had window AC units, not whole house, so it didn’t make sense to move him to a separate bedroom that would need it’s own AC unit, and the resulting higher electric bill.
Anonymous says
We just put the crib in our giant master bedroom. We lived in the burbs then, and actually had a master suite, so the sitting area had the crib in it. When people came to visit, we hung out in the living room, not the nursery.
Closet Redux says
We used an Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper, which our kiddo grew out of at 4 months. We’ll probably take the infinitesimally small risk after that and move her to a crib in her own room at that time.
PinkKeyboard says
Here here! Everyone is panicking about this and I’m waiting to see if IVF worked for baby #2… and I’m all about a big yawn and moving the kid at 3 months like the last one.
Em says
My son slept in the RNP next to our bed for the first 3 months, then in a bassinet (family heirloom) in our room until around 6 1/2 months, at which point we moved him to his crib in the nursery.
layered bob says
we went from an Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper to a twin mattress on the floor next to our bed (turned perpendicular so it was half under the bed) around 5-6 months. Also did lots of co-sleeping. We don’t own a crib and didn’t have a nursery until baby was 13 months old, when we moved to a bigger apartment. We put the twin mattress on the floor in baby’s own room the first night after the move and she’s slept there ever since.
shortperson says
instead of a pack and play i recommend the guava family lotus set. it’s a fabulous, rocking bassinet which we used in our room when bebe was small, and then a crib. the carrying bag has backpack straps and fits into an (enormous) suitcase. we are still using it at 2 and my 4 year old niece (weirdly) likes to sleep in it when she visits.
Katarina says
We put the crib in our Master bedroom for both babies. It is not that hard to move the crib. A pack n play would work fine, too. FWIW I have been very lucky in the sleep department, but both of my babies STTN while still in our room in the first 6 months, although their sleep did improve when I moved them out.
hoola hoopa says
We used a mini crib (porta crib). Ours had a fold-down side, which of course isn’t allowed any more either, but we only used it before kiddos would have been able to climb out and it made settling in a sleeping baby so much easier.
blueberries says
mini-crib (which can be raised and lowered like a regular crib) or Guava Lotus (best travel crib–zips all the way down to the floor and we used in place of a regular crib)
lsw says
Update from my first trip away from my baby: TLDR, everything went fine, and I am especially grateful to the poster who told me to be flexible and not freak out.
I landed in JFK and headed off to find the lactation room to pump, which was in a different terminal. I traveled through the airport for about a half hour before an employee told me to get to terminal five I’d have to leave and go back in. I wasn’t sure if I could do that since I had landed and didn’t have a valid boarding pass anymore, and I didn’t want to have to go through security again, so I figured – I’ll just do it at the hotel. Surely they’ll have a room.
I asked the person at the front desk, and she said my room wasn’t ready yet – which I figured. I asked about a room to pump in and she immediately said no. I said, “A conference room, literally anywhere with a plug where I could close the door?” She said no. So I walked to the other entrance where there was another employee and I asked the same thing. She also looked at my blankly so I asked, is there a bathroom with a plug? (At this point it had been almost six hours since I pumped at my house that morning, so I was like – whenever, wherever.) She told me there was a bathroom on the second floor. So I got set up in the bathroom and started to pump over the sink.
A woman came in and said something like, “Oh, I remember those days” and went to use the restroom. When she came out, she said, “So they didn’t have your room ready?” And I said, no, they said there was nothing I could do, so here I am giving you a show in a public bathroom – sorry about that. She said, “I’m going to get you a key.” And I realized she was apparently a manager there. So she left, another woman popped her head in and told me, “We’re working on it,” and five minutes later, I had a key. Five minutes after that, I was in my room and pumping in peace. I was so, so grateful. The first two women were young and (I assume) had never had to pump or anything like that – the woman who helped me clearly had been there.
Flying in with frozen ice packs was fine, and flying out with milk was fine. It seemed like both sets of TSA agents had been specifically trained in what to do with breastmilk/pumping stuff, because they didn’t seem surprised or confused at all. So that was great. Overall, a decent experience! And I am forever grateful to the woman who helped me out at the hotel. I should have asked for her name.
Lurker says
That’s a great story. I got teary eyed thinking about that woman helping you out. I thought you were going to say it was another guest and she offered up her room!
lsw says
I teared up when it happened!
GCA says
And this is why it’s important to have mothers in the workforce!
lsw says
Agree, agree, agree.
Anon says
Even though you don’t know the woman’s name, you should still consider writing to the manager about your experience commending the woman (give approximate date and time she helped you). It will reinforce how to respond to mothers in this circumstance.
Meg Murry says
Yes, I agree, sending an email saying “thank you to the manager that helped me …” would be a very nice gesture to make for that manager that helped you out.
lsw says
I was thinking of that. I will do it this week – it really was amazing. I had a room within ten minutes of her seeing me.
Anon says
How in the world do working parents make the school year work? I’m looking at Kindergarten options for DD, and the after-school care is impossible. Both public and private only run from 7:30-5:30. I have a 30 min commute. I don’t have a spouse to trade off dropoff/pickup, nor do I have the space for an au pair. How do I do make this work? Daycare ran 6:30-6:00 but isn’t an option once she hits first grade, so I can use it next year but then I’ll have this same problem the following year. I can’t move closer to work because I can’t afford it, and there aren’t really businesses any closer to my house. Seriously, what do people do???
Anonymous says
Pay a sitter to pick her up at 5:30 and stay with her until you get home. When she gets a little older and can stay alone for an hour or so you can try to find a fellow parent to drive her home from aftercare. fwiw, I think you’re lucky to have daycares that are open for almost 12 hours., In my area, even daycare is max. 10 hours a day (usually 7:30-5:30) so people who need more than that have to arrange for nannies/supplemental care from the very beginning.
TK says
One of my first jobs (I was 12) was to go home with a neighbor’s kindergartener and stay there until mom or dad got home from work. I think I made $5 / day? I was old enough to get her a snack, I enforced the ‘only one hour of t.v.’ rule, and my own SAHM was back up for me if there were every any crises I couldn’t handle. Is that an option for you?
Anononymous says
Ah those were the days. Pretty sure that’s a jailable offense nowadays.
mascot says
Adjust their schedules or throw money at the problem. Can you hire a sitter to pick her up? Can you adjust your hours so that you can leave a little before 5 to make a 5:30 pickup? Can find some parents that can pickup from after-care and take them to either their house/ a sitter/meet at your house? Do some combination of the previous options? You’ve got some time to figure this out so don’t panic quite yet.
hoola hoopa says
+1
Your school also likely has before-care, which may help you adjust your hours. Offset with your partner (ie, one does drop-off but stays a bit later, the other leave early but is back for pick-up).
Instead of a sitter to just to pick up at aftercare, consider a sitter to meet the bus.
Wow says
Your best bet would be to hire a sitter who can pick her up in the afternoon, transport her home, and hang out with her until you get home at 6 pm or whenever. If you live close to a university, this is a great job for a mature college student because it would just be 2 hours a day. I suspect most nannies would want more hours than that.
We’ve always had someone in this type of role and it works out really well. As a plus, our sitter bathes the kids, starts dinner, loads dishes, and tidies up.
Something to consider!
Anon says
I was just going to ask what kind of sitter, since I assumed nannies wouldn’t make sense for so few hours. Good idea – we have a community college relatively close by, maybe I can find a student there.
I wish I could rearrange my hours, but I’m in one of those management jobs where you work insane hours. I work the minimum of 8 hours in the office (usually 9 because I work through lunch) and then sign in to work another 2-3 hours at night. Sometimes I feel like I’m being foolish to assume I can become an executive, when I don’t have another co-parent to pick up my slack.
Anon in NYC says
You’re not being foolish. You’re just in a tough phase of life.
Anon says
Some of my friends have hired school teachers to do this! The teacher gets a bonus of a few extra hours of steady work, and you get the peace of mind of having a teacher keep your kids. I also know of nanny-shares where one family takes a morning shift, and another family takes an evening shift for the nanny. Or a local stay at home parent may welcome another child in exchange for additional money.
You got this! I’ve joined a community ListServe and a local parents’ listserve and I’m continually amazed that there are people out there who have precisely the skillset I do not have but need. It’s a great medium to connect people who need things with people who have them (time, skills, whatever).
I’d post at a local university and/or law or grad school, at your school (I’ve seen nanny ads in our newsletters), at your child’s old daycare newsletter, any neighborhood listserves, etc.
Anonymous says
I have a spouse, but he travels for 2-3 month (non-stop) stretches several times a year, so I have somewhat been there. And I’m a junior partner in a big law litigation practice, so I understand crazy hours. We put our kid (now in first grade) in an absurdly expensive private school (seriously, it costs more than my law degree) because it had the best hours I could find (7:30-6) and because it is a block from my house, making drop off and pick up efficient and easy for a sitter to handle in an emergency because no car or car seat is needed. It sounds like there are no school options beyond the ones you have considered with longer hours.
When my husband is away, I have my housekeeper pick up on the day she works. I usually do a play date once a week where the other parent picks up. This lets me be in the office late 2x a week. I also just adjusted my schedule, and so I do calls with our East Coast colleagues in the morning (before I take my kid to school), and then work again at night after my kid is in bed. Like so much of being a working parent, it is exhausting, but I haven’t found a better solution. I also have started just working at home. I lose an hour to an hour and a half a day on my 4 mile long commute (thanks, LA traffic), and I figure that working at home is much more productive. I realize I am fortunate to have this flexibility. On days I go in, I try to schedule calls with my associates during my commute to use the time somewhat productively.
A male colleague who is a single dad with a kid in upper elementary school leaves to pick his kid up from school, and then the kid hangs out in his office and does homework and watches tv. Also doesn’t seem ideal, but you have to do what you have to do to make it work.
RDC says
Ladies, my MIL arrives today. Main goal is to avoid any major family blowouts between now and when she leaves (Monday, thank goodness). Send good vibes and ice cream, please.
CLMom says
GOOD VIBES!!!
Anonymous says
I feel you. My MIL stays with us twice a year. My strategy developed after many years of painful interactions is to pretend she’s a stranger at a restaurant. If a stranger said XYZ to me or my kid at a restaurant, it is serious enough that’s I’d react? If not, I let it go and drink more wine.
PhilanthropyGirl says
I’m sending wine. I find it necessary when my MIL visits.
Closet Redux says
My husband and I have a developed a code of sorts when I reach my limit and need to step away. He is much more tolerant of her… quirks… and good about giving me a breather when I need it.
RDC says
Thanks all!
Allie says
Help! My daughter is two months and ebf but I’ve yet to pump enough to leave her for even a few hours. I’ve pumped a few times but only gotten two oz each time and we’ve just given them to her soon after so that she’s used to the bottle. I’m starting to feel crazy and am tempted to use formula to just be able to get away. Advice is much appreciated.
Kelly C. says
I am sure there will be a lot of advice on how to increase supply, but I will just add this perspective. Looking back on my daughter’s first year of life, I put so much stress on myself to b-feed and it caused a lot of stress. In the grand scheme of things, it probably would have been better for everyone if I had let my baby have a bottle of formula every once in awhile when it made sense (those overnight newborn days so dad could take a feeding, when I was out of town, etc). So that is just the perspective of a mother of a 2yo that exclusively b-fed for 2 months and weaned around age 2.
Kelly C. says
Sorry, this should say EBF for 6 months, not two months. I never gave my daughter formula and she started solids at 6 months. Being her only source of food for 6 months, and her only source of milk for 1 year (we started coconut milk at 12 months) was very stressful. If the formula would improve your life that much, I say do it.
GCA says
+1000 Completely agree. And start now – by 5 months, my son wouldn’t even take formula. Just refused. They ran out of milk at daycare one afternoon (he was hungry!) and tried to give him formula, as I’d left a tin there in case – he turned up his nose and cried till I arrived 15 minutes later.
CLMom says
Having confidence in my chosen formula helped me be okay with it “on occasion as needed”. And sometimes mama needs to go out without baby. That’s important, too.
Anon says
Co-signed. I supplemented with my first only at the very end when I was limping through the finish line of pumping. It was gloriously easy, and I regretted not doing it sooner.
With my second, he had formula for the first time around 2 months b/c (honestly) I wanted to go out and drink a lot of good wine with impunity. I did, and I’m so glad I did. I pumped through 12 months and breast fed through 15ish months, but supplemented throughout so I could go out, travel, etc. and not worry about whether he’d be hungry. He’s healthy, and I was much, much, MUCH happier. I honestly don’t know if I would have continued nursing as long as I did with my second if I hadn’t supplemented when I felt overwhelmed.
lsw says
Are you pumping while also breastfeeding for every meal? Or are you back at work? It’s hard to pump entire extra feedings when you are BFing for every feeding. Once our baby starting going to sleep at 8 and sleeping longer periods, I started pumping right before I went to bed. It gave me a little supply and also boosted my supply because it acted like an extra feeding. Can you identify the longest break s/he goes between feedings and add a pumping session there? I just used a manual pump then. But if it interferes with your sleep or something like that, it’s not worth it!
H says
+1. When my LO was 2 months, I pumped after the mid morning feeding every day (and kept doing that on the weekends when I went to work) to build up my freezer stash. I remember I went away for a few hours one Saturday during maternity leave and it took a week of doing that to have enough bottles for my LO.
RDC says
I also started pumping before bed (9ish) when DS was sleeping longer stretches. You don’t get a ton when you start (your supply is lowest at night) but for me it helped increase supply a bit and eventually we built up a freezer stash.
Anon in NYC says
First, formula is not terrible. You’re not a bad mom for giving your daughter formula. There’s also nothing wrong with doing a combo of BF and formula. Your motto should be: do whatever you need to do to get your daughter fed AND ALSO keep yourself sane and happy.
Second, if you’re concerned about supply, there are things that helped me. Oatmeal had a huge impact for me. Also, drink tons of water and try to get some sleep (easier said than done, but when I lost sleep, even for a night, it affected my supply).
CLMom says
I think the stress of trying to “produce more” counteracted all the fenugreek, oatmeal, lactation bars and water. IF you can not stress about it, it will probably help.
Meg Murry says
Using formula as a backup isn’t the worst plan in the world – although you’ll need to pump while you are out so your supply doesn’t drop and/or you don’t get clogged ducts or leak. Or if you can get 2 oz today and 2 oz tomorrow, that’s enough to get you out for 1 feeding, at least.
2 oz each time is actually a decent amount for a pumping session that wasn’t replacing a feeding – most of the time when you hear people talk about pumping 3-4+ oz that’s at a time when they are missing a feeding, or the person has an oversupply.
Are you going back to work soon or do you want to build up a freezer stash? If so, pick one feeding each day and pump after that feeding for 10-20 minutes. At first you might literally only get drops, but after a week or so your body will get the “demand” signal and start producing more at that time. Most women have more milk first thing in the morning (especially if baby gives you a longer block of sleep then), so the first feeding of the morning is a good time to do it. In order to keep up with having a freezer stash/have a little breathing room, I pumped every single morning (including weekends) and after a couple of weeks I could get anywhere from 3-6 oz at that pumping session. I have friends that were coordinated enough to only nurse from one side in the mornings while pumping on the other, but I was never able to coordinated that.
Anonymous says
This. Pump a couple ounces after your first feed in the morning. After a week you’ll have enough for a couple of bottles.
At that age, I actually tended to try for smaller shorter escapes. That way I didn’t have to pump or plan in advance (I’m lazy like that). So like – nurse in my yoga clothes, hand her to DH, run to yoga class for an hour, come back and nurse again. Same idea but replace yoga with coffee with a friend/walking the dog by yourself/running to the mall for an hour or two/your interests.
formula says
I wish formula guilt was not a thing, or that somehow a mother is providing inferior care for her baby because she is using formula for any reason at all.
For me, I (and my pediatrician) distilled the benefit of bmilk to the antibody thing, and that still applied even if we did a combo. In fact, my ped said that even a small amount of bmilk would provide most of the health benefits. I also felt a lot better about switching to formula completely after my son got his first round of shots, for whatever that’s worth. So, I still definitely absorbed the formula guilt and sometimes cried about it.
CPA Lady says
Supplementing with formula made me love nursing, because it became something I got to do rather than something I had to do. Just personally, I would have found EBFing/pumping to be a tremendous burden for various reasons, but found BFing while supplementing with formula to be a joy.
PEN says
Use the formula—I beat myself up about it the first time, but it was such a weight off my shoulders. Someone on here said ‘dont let the absence of formula be your goal, rather make your goal the presence of bm”—and that changed my emotional perspective. Logically, I don’t think 100% formula is a problem, but emotionally I get hung up on it.
Anonymous says
+1 to this. Great motto. I stopped pumping around 9 months with my kiddo and he drank all formula during the day after that, but we kept nursing at night, in the middle of the night (he’s not a good sleeper), and in the mornings — and we still nurse today at 16 months. Once pumping was over, breastfeeding was really wonderful, and I definitely plan to start supplementing with formula sooner with my next kiddo (probably around 6 months or so). Looking back at it now, I don’t know why it was so hard to accept the idea of introducing some formula in those early months.
bigcitynewmom says
Chiming in here to second what a lot of the other moms have said: 2 oz after a full feeding is absolutely normal; stressing about your supply will probably counteract all of the boosting benefits of supplements, foods, extra water, etc.; pumping shortly after your fullest session (your 1st or 2nd AM session) is likely to yield the most results; and you should figure out what formula your baby will take before you or another caregiver is in a panicked, must-feed-baby-now situation.
I also want to add that you might find that you just do not respond well to the pump. And if that’s the case, that is not a fault!
But I so feel you on internal and external the stress/pressure to EBF.
For me, it was more internal than external. This was my experience:
– pumped twice a day and nursed baby in person once a day for the first two months back at work (babe was 4-5 months old). Pumping twice a day would yield 1-2 bottles. Usually closer to 1, despite all of the supplementing/Mrs Patel’s bars/active pumping/etc. so I usually had to supplement.
– pumped three times a day for baby’s months 6-7.5. Pumping output diminished from approximately 2 bottles over 3 sessions to 1.5 to 1…when finally I decided to wean from the pump. I was unable/unwilling to add extra pumping sessions at home. None of the other supplementing techniques worked to boost my output. Had to supplement even more.
– now I nurse in the morning and before bed and whenever baby needs some comfort. The bottles for daycare are all formula. He still gets the benefit of cuddles and of whatever antibodies are in my milk. I am so much more stress-free. It’s not how I envisioned it before I had the baby, but I would still say it’s a win-win.
I hope it helps show that the stress is a negative, supplementing is fine, and you can continue to breastfeed even if you don’t respond well to the pump.
Katala says
If you’re not skipping feedings, 2oz is normal IME. I think I got 4oz one time after a morning feeding. One thing I read that helped (but isn’t always possible) is to pump *before* the first AM feed. Not till you’re empty, but I was engorged enough then to get like 8oz and still have plenty left for the first feed. That way baby gets the fattier hindmilk and you get a full bottle or more.
Also try to save those 2oz from 2 pumps – then you have a bottle, then you can get away for a few hours! You will figure it out, and it’s totally OK, great even, to use formula if you want to/that’s what works for your family. Good luck!
OP says
Thanks ladies! I’m not going back to work for a while so this is for ease/sanity while home all the time.
Work travel? says
Chiming in late to add to the chorus because I also have a 2-month-old and am BFing and don’t want to give that up. I’m not against formula but I’d rather not introduce it for many reasons if I don’t have to. What I’ve done that has helped:
– A manual pump (Medela) – sounds counterintuitive but part of my issue is that I hate feeling like I’m hooked up to a machine. A manual pump doesn’t require electricity and doesn’t make weird noises and that relaxes me somehow and I’m able to pump more than with a fancy electric pump in about the same time.
– Pump immediately after feeding if baby feeds only from one side (pump the other side).
– My secret weapon for increasing supply: BARLEY. Barley mushroom soup, barley risotto, barley cakes. Also oatmeal and lots and lots of sleep and water.
ChiLaw says
If you want to build up a stash, what worked for me (god this sounds awful when I type it out) was waking up around 4 AM and pumping. That was the night (morning?) feeding kiddo dropped first, so I was able to pump a significant amount (maybe 4oz?) every morning, and it went to the freezer for emergencies/dates/starting work.
CLMom says
Thinking of Halloween. What do you do with a baby on Halloween? We don’t get trick or treaters, and I want to show off the adorable costume. Grandparents live too far for drive on a Monday.
Anonymous says
A lot of towns have events at the mall or in a downtown area where merchants give away candy and other treats to kids. You can also drive to a good trick-or-treating neighborhods and trick or treat there. I live in one of those neighborhoods and we definitely get kids from other parts of town who are driven over here.
lsw says
Our neighborhood does trick or treating in the business district, and I want to go to show off the baby’s costume. But I don’t want to look like we’re just adults grubbing for candy. Maybe we’ll just go walk amongst the costumes. (He’s going as David the Gnome – what’s your baby costume, CLMom?)
CLMom says
This is exactly my concern. We do have a business district with a similar event, but I don’t want to look like candy-selfish adults.
She is a little lamb. It’s a soft and cuddly costume. :)
lsw says
Awww adorable!! Well, I figure we won’t look as bad as the grandpa-aged guy who was wearing a half-a$$ed cop costume and just going around getting candy by himself.
PhilanthropyGirl says
You could look for a Trunk-or-Treat event. Also check local nursing homes or senior communities. They often host events open to the public.
Anonymous says
Baby can ‘help’ you answer the door. We don’t trick or treat until the kids were like 3ish – they helped answer the door and loved seeing kids in their costumes.
hoola hoopa says
+1
People love it. Now that we’re on the other side of the door, my kids LOVE IT when a baby ‘answers’ the door.
Anon says
I felt the same way but felt weird going to any “trick or treat” events because my baby wasn’t going to be eating the candy and I wasn’t going to accept it, so we are having a Halloween “baby party” with our friends who have babies to show off the costumes. Basically a floor full of babies and snacks and alcohol for the adults.
Laura K says
Halloween is a night where you can show up at people’s houses unannounced. We’ve had fun driving around our smaller town and visiting friends and acquaintances. We ring the doorbell, decline the candy, and hang out for 5-15 minutes. Then we go to another house. It’s a great way to show off the costume and catch up with friends we haven’t seen in a while.
Lurker says
Love this!
hoola hoopa says
This is SUCH a great idea.
Meg Murry says
Yes, you could absolutely just go take her to some of your neighbors and say “oh, no thanks, we’re not collecting candy, I just wanted to visit a few people with this little lamb here and get some pictures of her first trick or treat.” Or you could dress her up and go to a friend’s house that does get trick or treaters and offer to sit with them to pass out candy or to walk with them and their kids – you could just stay on the sidewalk with the baby, not go up to the house.
FYI, check what time trick or treat is in your area – in my area it’s 6-7:30 on Monday, and it’s rather dark by 6:30. Could you look to see if any neighborhoods in your area are doing trick or treat on Saturday or Sunday afternoon? Or maybe a zoo or mall or somewhere is having a Halloween event?
H says
My LO is almost 2 and I don’t want him getting candy. We plan to just walk around our neighborhood, look at the decorations, chat with neighbors, etc.
Anononymous says
We’re going to a doggy costume contest on Saturday. We also considered events at schools, the botanical garden and the historical society.
Repaying Maternity Leave? says
I’ve heard that if you leave your job within X months of returning from paid maternity leave, you need to repay some portion of the pay you received during leave. Putting aside the politics/burning bridges aspect of quitting soon after returning from leave, does anyone know if this is true and if so what mandates the repayment? Is this a state law requirement or something that companies put in their leave policies? I’m not seeing anything in our policy handbook that mentions it.
TIA for any guidance.
CHL says
It’s not law for sure, so it has to be in a policy somewhere at your company (and hey, kudos for working somewhere that actually HAS paid leave!).
Anonymous says
I’ve never heard of it and that was not the case with my job. Curious to hear if this is a thing though!
CHL says
Also – if they’re passing off STD as “paid” leave, you definitely don’t have to pay it back – that’s your benefit that you have paid for.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Our HR director told me this was true if I resigned during my leave or did not return from leave, when she laid out our FMLA policy – although as we don’t have paid leave it applied strictly to the company portion of benefits. She made no mention of a certain amount of service after leave. I live in a highly unregulated state, so this may be state policy, or perhaps even company policy.
Can you simply ask HR to clearly outline their leave policy and ask clarifying questions about how long you need to remain employed after leave?
Anon says
Perhaps you’ve been hearing about the employer-paid portion of insurance? Employers can request back the employer-paid portion of health insurance if you leave after an FMLA qualifying event. Most don’t as a matter of policy, but they can.
Closet Redux says
^This is most likely what you’ve heard of. Definitely call your HR folks though and clarify. It’s awkward since you don’t want them thinking (and reporting to your boss) that you are considering doing this, but you can clarify by saying that you want to make sure you understand all the ins and outs of the benefits, even contingencies that you absolutely do not plan on.
LegalMomma says
We have paid leave – 12 weeks total for all parents (male or female). We have to pay back that portion of our leave that the firm pays for if we leave within a year of returning from parental leave. So theoretically, if a dad takes 12 weeks, he is on the hook for the 12 weeks of pay he received if he leaves sooner than a year before he returns from leave. For me – I would owe back the 12 weeks of pay, less whatever amount was covered by disability insurance. So for my first I would have owed back 6 weeks of pay since the first 6 was covered by STD.
This is a firm policy based on the fact that they provide paid leave though, not a law
Anon in NYC says
18 month sleep regression. Oof. Any tips to get through it? My daughter has had a rough 1.5 months between illnesses and molars, and now this. She is waking up frequently throughout the night and can’t get back to sleep without sleeping on someone.
Anonymous says
Is she done all her teeth? My youngest had a brutal time on his two year old molars. Or if she’s been sick is her nose still stuffy? Try advil and saline tonight and if it helps then it might be that.
also, if it’s a consistent time for the wake up, are there any new noises in your neighborhood? Garage truck with a new route etc?
Anon in NYC says
She’s definitely not done with all of her teeth, but it doesn’t seem like she’s in pain like she was with her molars. She doesn’t have a stuffy nose, but she currently has a dry cough that I think could be jarring her out of her sleep cycle. She’s waking up about 4x a night at varying intervals. Once she’s up, she can’t be soothed by anything except sleeping on one of us. We have a humidifier running, but we could do a steam shower and saline tonight.
JEB says
Honestly, we had to hard-core sleep train to get past it. My daughter had been sleep trained before, but with checks/comforting at regular, short intervals. By the time she hit 18 months or so, those checks didn’t work anymore and she was totally taking advantage of the system. We changed our policy and went in once when she cried, and that was it. We had a few brutal nights. She cried for an impressively long time the first night. But after 3 nights (I think), she was back to sleeping through the night without any issues. We’ve had interruptions since, mostly related to teeth and/or illness when I don’t want to let her cry alone. But once those issues pass, we return to the same policy, with one initial check and nothing further. She’s usually back on track within a couple of nights.
Good luck! I really had no concept of how many times we’d revisit the sleep training question during the first 2 years! It can definitely be rough.
Anon in NYC says
Hmm, I think we’ll probably wind up having to revisit sleep training as well, especially since I’m a little concerned that we’re creating new bad habits. We sleep trained when she was younger, and she’s generally been pretty good about sleeping through the night, and I think this is the longest sustained period of bad sleep she’s had so far. Somehow sleep training now that she’s older just seems so much harder – or at least it hits me harder.
2nd time mom says
We did official sleep training around 18 months and it was so worth it.
Katala says
Uh oh, my son turns 18 months today and the past few weeks we keep saying how lucky we are because he’s such a great sleeper. At least we have 3 months until #2 arrives to get him back on track if needed!
Anonymous says
I think some variation of this question has been asked a number of times, but I’m struggling, so I hope you’ll humor me.
My husband and I are about ready to try for another baby. However, we have a week-long trip for Christmas planned to a part of the world where Zika is endemic. My husband’s parents live there, and are not well enough to travel to visit us, and his other siblings and their families are going at the same time. I basically have no choice but to go. This means that if we follow the guidelines, we wait 6 months after returning to start trying to get pregnant, so eight months from now. That feels like forever, and I already will have a longer gap between kids than I would have preferred. My in-laws live near the sea, my husband says he’s never been bitten by a mosquito where they live, and I would slather myself with insect repellent. I obviously would not be able to forgive myself if I put my potential baby at a real risk for birth defects from Zika but I also don’t want to make this kind of a sacrifice based on a pinhole risk. What would you do? I think we need to wait until after we get back, but six months on too of that to even begin trying is a long time…
Anonymous says
Can you find doctors to test you for it? My neurologist was able to get herself and her husband tested as they wanted to TTC.
Anonymous says
Not OP, but my OBGYN told me it’s really hard to get a Zika test if you’re healthy. I’d ask your doctor about it and see what s/he advises, but my guess it’s going to be wait six months after the trip to TTC or that you AND husband don’t go, because your husband can transmit it to you (the six months requirement is actually for men, it’s only eight weeks for women). I would go and wait out the six months, personally.
Meg Murry says
Is this going to be an annual trip? Because if you go now and then put off TTC for 6 months, that means you could be up to 6 months pregnant next year.
This is a more expensive and maybe crazy option, but since the currect recs are for women to wait 8 weeks but men to wait 6 months, could you bank your husband’s sample before you go, and try with that in Feb-March if you are nervous about TTC when you return?
Anon for this says
My friend was in the same situation. It was a family trip she really couldn’t miss. She told everyone they were going to wait but oops, she got pregnant. I think they never really stopped trying and just don’t want to deal with the judgment so they are telling people it was an oops. She was able to get tested after becoming pregnant and her test came back clear but I don’t know how accurate that is.
I’d also look into the specific spot you are going. You say “part of the world where Zika is endemic.” I have family friends that want us to visit in Mexico. I said no b/c of Zika. They said their town and the surrounding towns have not had a case. They told me my concern was like saying I wouldn’t go to South Carolina because Florida had a case. We still aren’t going at this point but I thought his argument was one of the strongest I have heard yet. I’d see how close the nearest case is and how many there have actually been if they are close.
You two could also consider going for the family holiday portion and essentially just stay inside the entire time, if the place has air conditioning. It would stink but you wouldn’t miss the family time that way.
In your shoes, I’d probably take every precaution I could while there to not catch it, wait a month or so to make sure I and husband had no symptoms and then resume trying and try to get a test if we did get pregnant. I’m more of a review the research and take calculated risks person that others though.
RDC says
Yes to trying to get better info on areas of local transmission. The info my OB seems to be using provides no data below country-level, so she has ruled out visiting entire countries when clearly there isn’t transmission happening everywhere in that country. (Fortunately we didn’t have any important trips planned.) But personally I’d be pretty conservative about it.
Samantha says
You haven’t mentioned how old you are, and that’s a key factor in my mind. As opposed to your ideal between-child spacing. Not everyone will agree but there are huge benefits to having a bit more spacing between kids (3-6 years) which outweigh the cons in my mind (separate activities etc.).
More parental sanity without two under two, less sibling rivalry, better sleep for the family and more attention to each kid. So I’d let go of that ideal spacing idea and delay TTC if your biological clock is not a huge issue.
Anon in NOVA says
It’s actually even more imporant for your SO to lather themselves in insect repellent. It lives in s3m3n for up to 6 months, but it will leave your system much faster. Since s3xual transmission is a possibility, it’s important for both of you to avoid bites. The testing guidance has changed, and if you explain that you visited an area of local transmission (and maybe say that one of you got a mosquito bite to up your chances) a doctor should test you regardless of symptoms.
Anonymous says
So my suggestion is to TTC a bunch before the trip and then just your husband go on the trip. If you don’t get pregnant, wait the six months etc before trying again but
Spend Christmas with friends or visit your own family. You’ll have lots of Christmases with your DH in the future, but this may be one of the last for him with his parents.
Lillers says
You can definitely get tested. Per her suggestion, my CNM is testing both my husband and myself after a trip later this year to a Zika endemic country. If either of us test positive, we will wait the required time period.
We obviously plan to cover up with clothing and use DEET repellent, but it will be nice to have that peace of mind when we return with the test. My DH is particularly worried about contracting Zika, especially since many people don’t have symptoms.
Anonymous says
OP here. Thanks so much for all the thoughts on this. My game plan is to call my OB to discuss what our testing options are upon our return and see if I can get find any more granular detail on transmission in the area we are going to. It won’t be the end of the world if I have to wait (I’m 31), but we’re just feeling like the time is right given our other kids’ ages. I don’t think I can very well not go, unfortunately. Would be a big disappointment for my husband and his family, and I can’t leave him and my kids for the week of Christmas… (Hooray for travelling overnight with two young kids to visit your inlaws you aren’t particularly fond of in a place you might catch a serious illness! Gonna be awesome!)
mofare says
I also need some sleep help! My 8-month-old daughter has been sleeping through the night consistently for several months, but 3-4 nights the past week has woken up crying and screaming around 3 a.m. She calms down quickly if she’s picked up or rubbed on her back, but starts up again when we try to leave her in the crib. Any thoughts or advice? I don’t think she’s teething, since she has 8 teeth already and her gums don’t seem to to be bothering her.
Anonymous says
Sounds like bad dreams where she is soothe so quickly. Did anything happen that was scary to her lately? My 10 month old woke up every night for a week after he saw Big Bird on Sesame Street – apparently large birds are super terrifying for him.
Anon in NYC says
There is an 8 month sleep regression.
CARES harness says
Has anybody successfully used a CARES harness on a plane for a <2 year old? My baby meets all of the requirements (weight, height, sitting), but is not over 2 years old. The last time I flew, the flight attendant said I had to hold the baby during takeoff and landing since he wasn't over age 2. I don't think this is a real rule because I haven't seen it anywhere, but honestly just wondering if people have had success using it with a smaller child in their own seat.
TK says
Not a real rule, as far as I am aware. I have never been asked about his age nor told I needed to hold him if he had his own seat.
I tried the CARES harness with my kid from slightly-less-than-2 to 2 and a half. He tolerated it at first but less so as he got older. He’s mostly fine with just the seatbelt now.
Famouscait says
I just booked some major travel plans over Christmas – we are flying to Kuala Lampur! With a newly-minted two year old!!??! We are flying Qatar Air, which is supposed to be very family friendly (their in-flight system has a kids mode, etc.) The first flight is 15 hours, the second is 8 hours. Please tell me all your best tips about how to keep kiddo entertained, asleep, etc. He is not good at watching TV (with or without headphones). He may still not be potty trained by that time. I am so excited (we’re going to see family) and also giddy with terror at what we’ve signed on for. Thankfully we (me, hubby, kiddo) each have our own seats.
Anonymous says
My biggest advice is to postpone potty training until after the trip. You don’t want to be in a situation that you are stuck in a holding pattern over an airport waiting for a landing slot and he has to pee – you won’t be able to get out of your seat. Multiple that by turbulence, long lines at customs etc and potty training will cause real problems.
Looking at pictures of himself or videos of himself or family members on Ipad is a big hit with family members. Doesn’t require sound. Never even attempted headphones with a 2 year old. Take lots of videos and pictures of him doing things like swinging on a swing, or pushing his trains.
Famouscait says
Ohhh that’s a great point about delaying the potty training. And thanks for the tips on photos and pictures!
Anonymous says
Because I apparently can’t type – pictures/videos of kid/plane for him to watch on plane. Reread and it sounded like I was saying to bring videos/pictures to family members.
NewMomAnon says
First, on potty training – do not attempt a diaperless flight mid-potty training! Much easier to use pull-ups or diapers.
Second – look at the Toca Boca apps (my kiddo likes the birthday party app, the train app, the hair salon app, and one about feeding monsters?), the Duck Duck Moose apps, and the Little Baby Bum app (so annoying, but it’s like baby crack). Some of the flash card apps are good too.
No idea how to get a kid to sleep mid-flight. If you figure it out, let me know.
pockets says
This I know. Wait until 20 minutes before you land on a multi-hour flight. Presto, kid will fall asleep.
H says
Second getting apps. My almost 2 year old loves the balloon pop app (there are several).
RDC says
There are also a series of apps for Dr Seuss books that are quite good – it has a “read to me” function but I just read it to my son like a book. He likes how the pictures move etc when you touch them.
The Melissa and Doug water wow books are a big hit with my almost 2yo and don’t make a mess. Also their reusable sticker books but they’re pretty big. You could try “Bucky” the turtle (search Amazon) but he didn’t keep my son entertained for too long.
RDC says
Also, I haven’t tried it, but this looks intriguing for getting toddlers to sleep on overnight flights:
http://www.fly-tot.com
Famouscait says
Holy moly. I think kiddo is going to ask Santa for that Fly Tot thingy for Christmas. It’s worth the $70 and 3lbs. it takes to try it out and see (hope! pray!) that he’ll sleep on the “bed”. Thank so much for sharing!!
RDC says
And then report back! It seems brilliant; curious if it actually works. Also, very jealous of your trip!
Anonymous says
Find out the stroller situation at all airports that you’re traveling to. At Heathrow you can’t get your gate checked stroller back until your final destination. Like if you fly Munich – Heathrow – NYC and gate check in Munich, you don’t get your stroller again until Heathrow.
Boba Air is a great highly packable carrier – packs super small.
Quinny and Mountain Buggy both have a stroller that folds to carry on luggage size. In my experience, fold it before you get to the boarding line otherwise they try to make you gate check it.
Sarabeth says
My 3 year old is into the combo of games and video clips on the Sesame Street GO app.
Work travel? says
Question for the hive…would you go to a work conference with a 2-month-old baby? Travel involves drives/public transport on both ends of 2-hour flight.
Conference is huge in my field but entirely optional, in that I can find others to take my place for my presentations (although I’ve already paid for my flight and registration, but I don’t mind being out the money).
Part of me REALLY wants to go because it’s my annual fun conference, I get to see friends and do some important networking. Another part of me thinks this is insanity (I’m 11 weeks postpartum!! Baby is too little! What kind of networking can I do anyway if baby has a bad night and I’m frazzled). Part of me wants to do this to prove to *myself* that I can. But another part says this is a stupid thing to do because it sets a precedent that women should be ready for intense work so soon after delivering (I try to be conscious of the example I’m setting). FWIW, I’m an academic so I’m back to work but at my own speed.
Traveling without the baby is not an option – I’m not willing to be apart from him as we have a great nursing relationship and he’s just too little.
mascot says
How long is the conference? Will someone being going with you to help out with baby? What time of year is it and have you talked to your pediatrician about vaccines and risk of illness?
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t unless I had to. Sounds exhausting and possible stressful if baby doesn’t sleep/eat well. Might do it if DH came along and it was more like a mini-family vacation.
How big is the conference? Is there an option to call in and listen to the sessions?
Meg Murry says
I agree that the only way this might make sense would be if you could take your partner or a grandparent or nanny to take care of the baby while you go to conference sessions, and they could meet up with you to nurse every 2-3 hours. I wouldn’t try to take a baby into the conference – like others have said, too many germs and I want me colleagues to see professional me, not “lady with a baby strapped on her” me. Unless your academic field is pediatric medicine or child development or lactation or similar, then maaaaybe.
At 11 weeks I was so sleep deprived I was practically delirious, and none of my professional clothes fit. I was barely able to string together multiple coherent sentences, let alone give a presentation where people would be asking me questions. I personally would not have been able to do this if it wasn’t 100% necessary for my career.
If it were a driving conference and you could take a babysitter, I’d say maybe – worst case, it s*cks and you just come home. But to fly there, take care of an infant on your own and try to network? I’d pass.
Work travel? says
I’d be gone 2 nights, 3 full days. Dad or grandparent not an option – DH has to stay home with the other kids.
Field IS health-related that’s why I am even considering it. These comments are reminding me that although I feel so much better than with previous babies I am probably not quite as coherent as I am feeling and I definitely don’t have clothes (although I can improvise).
mascot says
With these circumstances, I would not take baby. If you don’t want to leave baby, then sit this conference out. There will be other conferences. People will understand that you can’t make it this year.
Meg Murry says
Oh, this adds a whole extra level of nope! to it for me, since DH would be home solo-parenting. Even if the conference goes well, you’ll come back exhausted after networking and taking care of the baby and flights solo, and he’ll probably be exhausted from solo parenting while you are gone.
I mean, I guess if the conference is next week and you’re feeling great now and DH is fine with it, then maybe. But if it’s in a couple more weeks I’d try to get someone to cover your presentations and wait until you see if you are rested enough for it.
Save your superwoman strength for when you really need it, instead of trying to prove something to yourself or far flung colleagues for a once a year event.
If you have tenure or some kind of position of seniority, I’d also think about the message you are sending to lower level staff. Just like studies have shown that the best way to remove the stigma of maternity and paternity leave is for upper management to take their full leave – you would be doing a favor to your future younger colleagues by not setting the bar of traveling for work with an infant.
Work travel? says
Good points. I don’t have tenure (YET) but I do think about the example I’m setting and I agree with your point.
Momata says
I would not, just because of the risk of getting a disease for which baby would not yet have been vaccinated. And because I don’t buy into the “proving to yourself that you can.” You know you can. And because I personally guarded my maternity leave extremely intensely, knowing this time where I could say a hard “no” to work in favor of my family was fleeting.
hoola hoopa says
Honestly, that’s total insanity.
Yes, you can. Doesn’t mean you should. That’s a lot of travel and stress to show off the baby in person and catch up with colleagues. Nothing productive will come out of it. And honestly, you’ll look rather insane.
FWIW, I’m also in a position where I attend academic conferences. I get it, I do! But just stay home this time.
AwayEmily says
Also an academic — I would go if I had a partner (or another caregiver, like one of my parents or my brother) who could also come. I (similarly to you, it sounds like) enjoy conferences — you see friends! You feel awesome and excited about your work! This is especially important in academia, I think, where we are often so isolated. But if it’s just you plus baby, then no — you probably won’t much (if any) time to immerse yourself in conferencing and get all those benefits.
H says
Nope, I wouldn’t.
Lurker says
What would you do with baby while you are presenting?
Work travel? says
Well..this may the the craziest thing but originally I was planning to just hold baby (not taking stroller b/c too much to carry). I would actually just have friends hold him during those times…they’ve volunteered and would enjoy it. But yes good point.
Work travel? says
Really appreciate everyone’s thoughts especially the really straightforward ones. I think the fact that I’m even equivocating on this and needed someone to talk sense to me shows I’m not really at my best yet and shouldn’t be going since I don’t absolutely have to. Thanks so much for your thoughts and “permission” to skip this one.
TBK says
Any suggestions for getting a 2yo to stop using what I can only describe as his pterodactyl voice? Whenever he drops something or is struggling with something, B will let out a completely ear-piercing shriek. When he wants something and is told “no,” shriek. And then more shrieking. This isn’t just the angry crying he did as a younger toddler, which seemed more like just the feeling coming out of him in ways he couldn’t control. This is entirely intentional. He’s angry and he’s telling everyone about it in his loudest voice. Mostly my approach is to tell him I know he’s angry and I’m sorry it has to be this way, and then to 100% ignore him, although it’s really hard to, say, sing going to sleep songs to his twin brother and pretend that we’re in a quiet room at bedtime when B is shrieking at top volume. I’ve also tried putting my hands over my ears and saying “oww! That hurts my ears!”, saying “that’s a good outside voice. Can you try saying the same thing in a quiet inside voice?”, saying “you can be mad, but you can’t make that sound. Can you stomp your feet to show me how mad you are instead?”, getting on eye-level with him and saying sternly “do not make that sound!”, and I’ve even tried shrieking back at him. Nothing works. And it really, honestly hurts when he shrieks like that! Will he just grow out of it? He has a good vocabulary and I’m trying to encourage him to use his words (I also will say “I can’t understand you when you scream like that. Can you tell me what you want using a quiet voice?”) but when he gets upset, it all goes out the window and it’s just all high-pitched loud screaming all the time (and it is ALL THE TIME — he probably does this 2-5 times per hour).
Anonymous says
It sounds like you’ve tried basically everything. One idea is to pick whatever seemed to work the best and stick with that. Another idea would be to not work on stopping the noise but give him a place where it is okay to make the noise – like in the bathroom? So if he makes the noise you say “if you want to make that noise, you have to do it in bedroom/bathroom etc”
Twins are tough. Give lots of attention for positive behaviors and lots of short turns having mom’s attention works well for us. One of our twins went through a phase when he was trying out his voice and my patience a lot, it took a couple months but it passed.
Meg Murry says
This may make us horrible, but when my oldest was in a phase where he would shriek and shout for no reason and my husband was at his wits end, he picked the kid up and set him outside on the porch and then shut the door. Then he told him “you can come back in when you are done yelling”. It was brisk but not freezing outside, and I think it shocked the kid a little.
When it’s not bedtime, can you give him one warning, and then do something drastic like pick him up and put him somewhere boring (the dining room, the stairwell, etc). Perhaps pick a phrase to use like a broken record like “it’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to shriek at people” for the first offense and then “no shrieking” or “use your polite words” after that.
Does he do this at preschool or with the au pair? It’s best if you have a united response to this (or at least one standard response for when you can pull him out of the situation like playtime, and another for bedtime when you aren’t letting him out of bed).
Could you come up with something like taking A to a glider in the hallway or your bedroom to read a book or sing a song when B starts getting worked up at bedtime, and leave B in his room? My boys share a bedroom and when one of them is being terrible the only thing we can do is take the other to our bed to sleep.
TBK says
I know his preschool teacher will take him outside the room and tell him he can’t go back in until he stops screaming, and she says he does calm down so maybe we’ll try that approach. Last night he started shrieking because he didn’t want to go upstairs to bed, so I just took A up and we played in the nursery while B screamed himself out downstairs. A few minutes later a little splotchy-faced boy appeared at the door, looking for hugs. But then about a minute later when I said it was time to get in his crib, the shrieking started again. The au pair I think mostly uses the approach of saying that she knows he’s mad but screaming isn’t the answer, and then ignoring him until he uses a nicer voice. I keep hoping that if he has enough encounters where it doesn’t get him what he wants, he’ll stop. But maybe we need to introduce a negative consequence, too, like being put in another room.
Anon says
There’s a Daniel Tiger episode about stomping 3 times. Try watching that several times, to the point both kids know the jingle? It won’t be instantaneous, but eventually you could start singing that song when he gets upset, and see if it helps redirect his behavior.
(I now swear by Daniel Tiger for everything. He potty trained my first, and we all still sing that potty song EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we pee.)
NewMomAnon says
“If you have to go potty, stop and go right away. Flush and wash and be on your way.”
NewMomAnon says
Totally off-the-wall thought, but – is he getting enough sleep? My daughter gets screamy when she isn’t sleeping enough (which is always lately). Since it sounds like his two big triggers lately have been bedtime-related, so he may just be at the end of his rope and not have any other coping mechanisms available.
Edna Mazur says
You’ve tried almost everything. Have you tried ignoring? Like taking away all attention? No eye contact, no acknowledgement no response at all?
PhilanthropyGirl says
Late to this conversation, but we just entered the stage of “throw self on floor and scream.” Here’s what I’ve been doing. I very calmly say “I understand you are angry about XYZ. I’m sorry you’re angry, but momma cannot talk to a boy who screams. You may sit in your bed (or wherever you want him to be) until you are done screaming. When you are done screaming, I would be happy to talk to you.” Then I stick him in his bed and totally ignore him until the screaming stops. We’re early on in this process, but this worked yesterday when he was shrieking over falling down. I put him in a chair, told him I couldn’t talk with a boy who is screaming, and I walked away. Eventually the screaming stopped and we had a conversation about what to do when we fall down.