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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Pogo says
Embryo hunger games update: 18 made it to day 5 and the big freeze!
My RE was very confident with that number and quality that I’ll never have to stim again, yay!!
In other news, we are going on a beach house weekend with a bunch of other couples, all of whom have children except for us. I’m not excited for the “So are you guys thinking of having kids” comments. It is getting very conspicuous that we still don’t have any (I think I’ve talked about this on here before) and I just really struggle with it. I don’t want to tell people what we’re going through, if only because then in three weeks I’ll get the “so, did it work?!” questions and um, No.
I’m thinking of telling one close friend (who shared her preg/ttc scares with us) what I’m going through, so she can maybe help divert if anyone gets into the “aw, when are you guys gonna have one of those? you look so cute with a baby!” territory. Any other thoughts?
My typical response is to grit my teeth and say “We hope so have kids someday” but I think I might actually cry at this point.
Anonymous says
Try a comment like “We’re enjoying practicing right now.” or “It’ll happen for us eventually” followed by a redirect question that changes the topic. Good friends will know enough to leave it alone. People don’t always talk about the struggles they have been through. Same way you aren’t sharing with them, don’t assume their road to parenthood has been easy either, there might be stuff they never shared with you.
Batgirl says
Personally, when I was going through this (and I’ll say that I had FAR fewer embryos than you did and it worked out for us), I got to a point where I thought it was important to share with people. Made me feel better not hiding it and felt like it was important for people to be aware of so they’d stop being so insensitive. I would say things like “yeah, we have some fertility issues so it may be a challenge for us” and leave it at that. Or for people who were closer, I filled them in. Good luck!
Lurker says
Yeah. I think just saying “we are trying and don’t really want to talk about it” is the way to go.
Anon says
A well timed moment of bursting into tears and running from the room? That should shut everyone up who has the slightest bit of a clue/compassion/brain cells.
But seriously, I’m starting to think there needs to be some kind of a print out taped to all public places about what questions are and are not appropriate, because apparently it’s not common sense.
Also, congrats on the 18!
TK says
Hooray on your good news! Keep us posted.
I am still shocked by the number of people who aren’t aware that you just DONT ASK people about their reproductive plans. Especially given the very high number of women who have miscarriages and fertility problems. Blows my mind.
Are they the kind of friends where you can just smile and say, “I’d rather not talk about it” and quickly change the subject?
This is how I have been responding to, ‘so, do you want more kids?’ or ‘when is little TK going to get a sibling?’ I no longer waste effort trying to protect the feelings of people with bad manners. I have found that an approach where I acknowledge the question, make it clear I am not going to engage on the topic (without being overtly rude) and move on is effective. Usually. If they ask again, I repeat myself then leave the room. No apologies necessary on your part – they’re the rude ones.
Pogo says
That is so frustrating and rude. I guess I’m not surprised people don’t stop asking about your family planning even after you’ve had a child. But in some ways that’s even more intrusive!
Em says
+1 I started getting these comments the first week I brought my baby home. I just tell people we have only committed to the one at this point.
Only says
Yep. I know people are well-meaning, but the last time I was holding a friend’s baby and I was asked when I’d be having “a little brother or sister” for my kid I started getting choked up and teary. Because the answer is never. And I’m usually genuinely okay with that, but sometimes I’m not. And it’s not something I want to talk about.
Betty says
We kept our fertility struggles a secret from everyone, including family. I completely understand not wanting the intrusive questions, but also consider sharing that you are struggling and being direct about how your friends can support you.
EB0220 says
Could you give them the general outline without going into specifics? If they’re good friends, they’ll leave it alone. As TK mentioned, I can at least assure you that peoples’ comments about your fertility don’t stop even when you have a kid.
JP says
That is AMAZING! What an awesome yield. 18!
As for the beach weekend…how close are you with the other couples and do you happen to know how easy/hard it was for them? I’ve also found that by answering the question somewhat honestly (“we’re working on it…it’s been harder than we’d hoped”), I’ve gotten so much unexpected support from people who have been through very similar things and I had no idea. Although those people tend not to be the ones who ask dumb questions.
Hugs…it’s hard.
Pogo says
Thanks guys. I like “we’re working on it…it’s been harder than we’d hoped”. It’s truthful without getting into too many details. I think I’ll go with that.
These are mostly friends of my husband, so I think that’s why I feel some distance from the wives. I consider myself friends with just one woman, who I as I mentioned I know did have some tough times early in her pregnancy. So I know that we’re not alone, I just find it hard to open up to this group.
Spirograph says
First, I’m happy to see your good news on the embryos!
To your question; I honestly had no idea how common and how difficult fertility problems are until I started frequenting this and the main s1te. It’s not something any of my friends or family ever talked about. A couple of former coworkers were eager to share how they built their family when “the old fashioned way” didn’t work – one through IVF, one through adoption, and I was so impressed with the love and perseverance that went into those roads, and it made me so much more sensitive to the fact that fertility should never be assumed or taken for granted.
I’m not at all defending people who ask, because they should know better and you’re entitled to privacy and totally justified in a stonewall response. But if you’re comfortable expressing that it’s a sensitive topic that you’d rather not discuss because [reasons], it will probably shut down that line of questioning for the duration of the trip, and give them something to think about and hopefully keep them from hurting anyone else the same way in the future.
Navy Attorney says
But even if you don’t realize some people have problems conceiving, the question also asks directly about one’s sex life, which is still rude!
Anonymous says
I’d share what you’re going through with your friends. Practice your answer, but certainly include mention of IVF and how hard it is and ask that they not ask follow up questions. Tell them you’ll share more if and when you have more news to share.
If you’re close enough to get a beach house with these people, I think you’re close enough to get support from then and let them know that they’re hurting you.
Pogo says
“Tell them you’ll share more if and when you have more news to share” – I like this too! That clarifies I’m happy to share but not looking for constant check-ins about my pregnancy success or lack thereof.
CLMom says
First, major congrats on so many making it this far!
Second, I believe you should follow your gut. If you do not want to tell, don’t.
However, as a counterpoint generally and not to your specific situation, I wish we women were more open with one another. When we don’t talk about miscarriage, IVF, PPD, hairloss, post-partum care, etc, etc, then we aren’t creating an open, safe space for future women to talk about it. Why can’t IVF be as normal as ED for men?
I suppose this is what I am enjoying about this forum. So, thank you ladies for being open and honest. I feel less crazy and am probably a better mom because of you all!
lucy stone says
Those are awesome results! I belong to a fertility support group on Facebook if you’re interested, let me know if you are and I’ll figure out a way we can connect.
It took us a long time to get pregnant naturally and then I miscarried. After that happened, I started telling people who asked without really caring at all if it made them uncomfortable, because if you’re going to pry into my bedroom, either you really care about me and will be sorry to hear that, or you’re being nosy and can deal with the discomfort.
Future Mom Who Loves Sleep says
Hi everyone, I’m pregnant and have started doing some reading now- in particular, Bringing Up Bebe and Happiest Baby on the Block. I’m curious if any of the people that recommended Bringing Up Bebe have had success with the “pause” philosophy of waiting for five to ten minutes every time the baby cries to see if it is in between sleep cycles and will go back to sleep, as well as teaching patience- to promote the goal of having a baby who sleeps through the night by 4 months old, which is apparently super common in France. This seems contrary to the Happiest Baby on the Block, where you pick up your baby immediately as soon as it cries. Thoughts? Is this unrealistic? Anyone had success? Or is it is all just super baby dependent, and I won’t really know what will work (or how long I can handle hearing the baby cry) until the baby is born?
mascot says
Short answer- you won’t know what kind of sleeper you have until your baby arrives. And even then they change it up for a variety of reasons, some predictable like developmental milestones and illness and some that make no sense whatsoever.
We have a great sleeper who slept through the night by 4 months. We’d also been big followers of techniques in happiest baby on the block. Read the books if you want so you can get a sense of what voices/philosophies appeal to you. But you really won’t know what works for your baby until you are in the thick of it.
Anonymous says
Not only do you not know what kind of baby you’ll have until you have him or her, but you’re correct that won’t know what the sound of your baby’s cries will do to you mentally or even physically until you have a kid.
Agree that you can get a sense of philosophies now but this is something that’s really hard to plan ahead. And second the rec to not discount sleep regressions. In my experience, they are a real thing.
With my kids I held out until 6 months then sleep trained in the way that was appropriate for the given kid. Each one benefited most from different techniques.
AOP says
Yes this. I have two kids, who came out as totally different sleepers. Kid 1 slept through the night – like really, really through the night – at 8 weeks. Then hit every, single, solitary sleep regression hard – he’d scream for 2 hours at a time (4 month, 8 month, 18 month….). Kid 2 was always much easier to get back to sleep, but did not “sleep through the night” until almost a year. He just slowly dropped night wakings until he slept through the night.
Also, their sleep training had to be geared to the kid. Kid 1 was a “tension increaser,” and cry it out was a miserable failure for him. He loved to be rocked and loved being close to me, and CIO was unbearably awful. We ultimately had the most success sleep training him when I stayed in his room, and “rocked” in his chair while he was in his crib. Kid 2 is a tension decreaser, and liked going in his crib and rolling around a bit until he gets himself to sleep. He did not like being rocked, which I did not think was possible after my first. Google Ask Moxie for a description of tension increaser/decreaser, and you’ll see that it really depends on the personality of your kids. My kids are now 5 and 3, and the 5 year old still likes me to sit in his rocking chair for 5 or 10 minutes before leaving. My 3 year old gets plopped in his crib, blows me a big kiss while I shut the door, and talks to his stuffed animals for 15 minutes before zonking out.
Lyssa says
I haven’t read either of those books, but my pediatrician did recommend with our first, at around 8 weeks, to start waiting to let him try to self-sooth before getting him, and it worked beautifully. He was sleeping through the night consistently by 2 months. My second was a little slower (or, rather, I think that she was just more persistent), but still slept through the night consistently by about 12 weeks. I’m sure that it’s baby-dependent to a degree (mine have generally both been really good about stuff like that), but I would definitely try it and see. (BTW, we were formula-feeding by then – exclusively breast-fed babies don’t stay full as long, so they sometimes take a little longer to learn to sleep through the night.)
Not sure how well it teaches patience. Number 1 is three, and he sure loves the word “now.”
CPA Lady says
We did the pause thing from BUB from the beginning. I never read the Happiest Baby book, so I can’t really compare. I didn’t ever wait 10 minutes while “pausing” though. That is a long time for a newborn and a long time for a paranoid/hormonal new mom. I’d say I’d pause for maybe 3-5 minutes while watching her on the video monitor. And yeah, my kid was sleeping through the night by about 3 months old. For real sleeping through the night, like 8 solid hours, no dream feeds, just solid sleep. At the end of my maternity leave, right about the time she started sleeping like that I even gave her the pep talk described in the book about how I was going to be going back to work, so I needed her to sleep well so I could also sleep well. I felt like an idiot, but it (coincidentally?) worked.
Something BUB did not address was the concept of sleep regressions. So when my kid started waking up multiple times a night around 5 months old, I was stuck googling “is a sleep regression a cultural construct?” (thanks liberal arts education). I was really at a loss with what to do at that point, but we figured it out.
Spirograph says
lol @ sleep regressions as a cultural construct.
But otherwise, this is almost exactly my experience. I didn’t read BUB until my 2nd maternity leave, but we did the pause thing anyway because first baby always slept in his own room so I didn’t really hear the restlessness until it turned into a real cry. I coslept a lot with my second baby (in the guest room, so we wouldn’t wake up husband and toddler) the first few months, and she was generally a worse sleeper until she finally started sleeping in the nursery and I stopped being so responsive. All babies are different, but I think there’s something to the “pause.”
Navy Attorney says
Cultural construct – I’ve had the same thought! I wonder that about a LOT of things related to raising children.
As to sleep – you don’t know what kind of sleeper they are, and they can be bothered by so many things other than not being able to self-soothe: indigestion, too hot, too cold, likes blankets only when in a deep sleep but during the sleep transitions maybe notice the blankets and hate it, weird smell, diaper uncomfortable…
CLMom says
I read both books. Preferred Bringing up Bebe to Happiest Baby on the Block immensely.
HBOTB could be a brochure or pamphlet. It’s. So. Repetitive. Do all those techniques help calm and relax a baby? Sure. Are the magic? Some of my friends swore by it. Personally, we had such a good natured baby that when she cried it was usually for a legitimate physical need. So, when we tried the magic formula of the 5 S’s from the book and had with no luck, we found it frustrating. We were better off going through our checklist of food, diaper, sleep, temperature, bored, etc.
BUB was more fun to read, and more practical for us. We did the pause generally, but we never timed it. We really just listened to baby’s cues. Due to weight gain issues in the beginning, I nearly always nursed when she woke up at night. So, I would not attribute my daughter’s sleeping like a champ to the book or the pause…it was more a trait she was born with. I do think it helped, but it wasn’t necessarily the magic answer.
RDC says
We also did the “pause,” and I think it was super helpful for my son. For us it didn’t mean waiting 5 minutes, just not rushing to get him – so, 2-3 minutes to roll over, look at the monitor, find our slippers, and then shuffle into his room. It also helped to have him in his own room; he made a lot (a lot) of noise while sleeping, and when he slept in our room I would pick him up before he was actually awake (thus waking him). In his own room, we heard less of the moaning and grunting and only picked him up when he was really awake.
Anon in NYC says
Yes, 2-3 minutes is what we did/do.
quail says
Same. We even did just one minute (counting it out, longest minute ever sometimes) and many times he would fall back asleep. I am also lucky to have a great sleeper – and it’s chicken/egg I think as to whether that’s why the pause worked, or if the pause helped make him a better sleeper in the long run.
Em says
I paused before picking up my son, but I don’t think it was 5-10 minutes. It was probably closer to 3-5 minutes. Basically I wouldn’t pick him up until he was actually crying (as opposed to fussing). I learned pretty quickly that once he got to the crying phase he wasn’t going to calm himself down, at least not at that age. My kid slept through the night at 6 weeks (like 7 hours solid sleep) but that went out the door really quickly when he was around 3 1/2 months and started waking every 2-3 hours at night.
NewMomAnon says
I tried the “pause” thing and it was an utter failure with my kid. I’ve come to realize that she was a really active baby who craved stimulation, and couldn’t get it alone in her crib/bassinet/swing/bouncy seat/car seat. So she would wake up ANGRY. I really didn’t understand what people meant by “fussing” until I hung out with another mom and her baby, who did this quiet mewling thing that either preceded sleep or total unhappiness. You’ll figure it out. I do suggest trying something by 6 months or so; by the time I sleep trained my kiddo, we were both really sleep deprived and it was not good.
Betty says
Your comment brought my youngest’s babyhood back in a flash. There was no “fussing” for her. She went from 0 to 100, with no stops. My response was to cosleep, which worked for us.
I loved the theories and ideas from BUB, especially once my youngest was about a year. The freedom and permission not to be hanging over top of my kids every moment and encouraging independence were life changing for me.
Samantha says
OK, 10 minutes is Super long for a hormonal new mom to hear a baby cry! I couldn’t do it. The sound gets in your head. I did 5-10 seconds for Le Pause. The crying stopped about 50% of the time, but other times the crying intensified and I’d go in.
Anonymous says
We did “le pause” and she self sleep trained at 2 months and 3 days. It was super, super good we did, because we went from a co-sleeper to a Montessori floor bed and CIO style sleep training is NOT AN OPTION with a floor bed. And she was an early sitter so the co-sleeper would have had a limited lifespan. We never went as long as five minutes or even a whole minute. We just stopped and observed (why wouldn’t you look at your baby to see what they need first anyway?). It was pretty clear when a few pats or replacing a paci was the answer or she needed more intervention than that.
When we moved her to her own room it was basically the same: lots of crying (or the occasional thump) and we figure she’s up — we go in and look and intervene as needed. 30 seconds of tired crying? No worries, she goes back to sleep and so do we.
Meg Murry says
The other major difference between BUB and Happiest Baby is that Happiest Baby is more of an attachment parenting style, which often (but not always) goes hand in hand with breastfeeding – whereas BUB is more compatible with formula feeding (which is far more common in France). For me, I found that in the earliest days when we were both trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, it was far easier to start trying as soon as the kid was stirring – because if I tried to pause and he went into crying for real, he was too upset to be able to latch properly, which meant that breastfeeding *hurt* like heck when he didn’t latch properly, and/or he attacked me like a greedy little mad pirhana.
I think “le pause” is good in theory once breastfeeding is well established and you both have the hang of it – but in the very earliest days the Happiest Baby technique of trying to start soothing to avoid the baby getting worked up was a better technique for us. Happiest Baby also mentions the concept of “the 4th trimester” – which is the baby’s first 3 months, when they are basically a helpless eating, pooping blob that really can’t do much else – and I think it makes sense to follow more toward the Happiest Baby techniques for those first few months, then gradually switch more toward BUB techniques around the 3 month point.
However, “le pause” doesn’t really have to be anything all that deliberate – at some point, you will be so exhausted that the baby will start to fuss and you’ll lay in bed and think “OMG, please just go back to sleep” and then “ok, fine, I’m coming” as you move super slowly …. and by the time you get out of bed and to the baby, that pause will have happened by virtue of your own sluggish exhaustion. It doesn’t always have to be a super deliberate thing – more often it just happens.
JLK says
I didn’t know thinness a theory….but we did ironwork both kids. Partly, DH and I are such deep sleepers it took us this long to wake up at night. We didn’t ignore them, and both our kids had “fuss” cries vs “I NEED SOMETHING” Cries. There’s no self soothing on the latter!
All my kids are great sleeper including the new one who is sleeping 6 hour stretches at 3’weeks (ped OK’d this). I suspect it’s genetic as we are not wizards.
JLK says
Holy autocorrect
Betty White says
Question for the hive: we have a 12 week old and are thinking about doing a trip to Patagonia in January (so he’d be about 8.5 months old). Are we insane? We are planning to start trying for a second child next May so this feels like our last chance for a while. Assuming the flight (12 hours) would suck, would it still be worthwhile? Would we be able to do enough of what there is to do there (hiking, etc) with a baby in a carrier? Are hotels at all accommodating to babies?
Cross-posting–thanks in advance!
RDC says
(Argentina or Chile side?) We did a trip to Argentina when my son was 11 months and it was totally doable. The plane ride wasn’t great but we took turns holding him and he kind of slept (I think all the flights are overnight). I don’t know about hotels in Patagonia, but where we stayed (BA and another small city) they were able to lend us a PNP. One thing they didn’t always have were high chairs in restaurants, so it might be helpful to get a travel harness thing that helps strap him into regular chairs (will post a link). I’d take a car seat, too.
No advice on the hiking, but I’d invest in a good backpack (Kelty or similar). If you have to plan around naptime (we did) it might limit some of your activities.
IME, travel with our kiddo (now 20mos) has been more stressful beforehand than during, and has always been worth it. It’s not the same as pre-baby but we have a great time doing slightly more kid friendly things on a significantly reduced schedule (2 activities per day rather than a whole day of sightseeing). I say go for it!
RDC says
We have something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Umin-Portable-Shopping-Lightweight-Washable/dp/B01B38W0W8/ref=sr_1_13_s_it?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1470322482&sr=1-13&keywords=Travel+high+chair which is good for our toddler but not sure if it’d work for a younger baby.
anon says
By 8.5 months old, your baby is going to be napping 2x a day. Most people would want at least one of those naps–pprobably from 1 pm – 3ish– with the kid actually lying down. So that is a huge chunk out of your day. Your child will be starting to eat solid foods, and will likely be crawling and putting everything in his/her mouth. So you will need to think about baby-proofing and feeding in a way that you don’t now. If you can afford to take trips like this regularly and can go into it with an attitude of “we’ll see what happens, we can always go back if we can’t see much,” then maybe go for it, but for me I think I would feel a huge amount of pressure to MAKE THE MOST OF IT that might be counterproductive with the unpredictability and time demands of taking care of a small child.
Faye says
It depends on the kid and the parents, but flying with a kid in that 6-18 month range is awful. They just want to be mobile and don’t have any patience to sit still. We’ve just barely managed through 3-4 hours flights – 12 hours would be absolutely unthinkable, and we travel with kids A LOT.
I haven’t been to Patagonia yet, but in general, you just have to vacation differently. Plan breaks through the day for the kid to get physical activity, make sure your kid has the ability to sleep (if he sleeps in a stroller while you walk, great. if he needs to lay down on a blanket, great. just plan for whatever he needs.) Kids tend to get overwhelmed with too many activities in one day, even more so when they’re in an unfamiliar place, so you’ll have to go at a slower pace or deal with sleep disruptions or more crankiness or whatever way your kid expresses his frustrations.
Do you regularly wear your kid in a carrier now? Start early, and find one that’s comfortable for all 3 of you for long periods of time, and then wear it around your city. Some kids take a while to get used to being worn. Depending on your kid, you may not be able to back carry (they have to be able to sit unsupported for the length of time that you wear them) so consider that you might be hiking with a 15+ lb child on your chest.
Hotels usually have a cot or pack n play for the kid, but honestly the worst part of kids and hotels is having to stay in the room after their bedtime. If the kid goes to sleep at 8, that’s still a LOT of sitting around for the parents. If you can afford a room with a separate sleeping space, so you guys can still sit up and play games or watch the sunset or something (or if you have an awesome sleeper who can let you do all that in the same room) then hotel stays become much more tolerable.
All this is not to dissuade you – if it’s important to you, I’m sure you’ll make it work. Just think through making the vacation enjoyable for all of you.
Katala says
+1 kids and hotels. We spent 3 nights with our 12-month old in a hotel room and we just all ended up going to bed at 7:30. If it were a vacation I would have been pretty disappointed with that. A 2 bedroom air bnb was much better.
Anon in NYC says
I’ve wanted to go to Patagonia since seeing some of my friend’s photos a few years ago, so my first response is GO! But, my biggest hesitations with taking my LO (14 months) now have been: 1) what sort of medical care/emergency services are available?, 2) how will she do in the carrier for an extended period?, 3) will we be able to have the trip we want if she hates the carrier?, and 4) how can we do any of the things we want to do while still trying to accommodate her nap schedule, her level of interest, etc.?
We have a backpack frame carrier and took her hiking (locally) when she was 11 months. All of the hikes were relatively short. I think the the longest one was maybe 3 miles or so – definitely less than 5. A few thoughts: Everything takes longer when you’re carrying a baby on your back. We had to take breaks to adjust her position, to feed her, and it’s just obviously harder to walk when you’re carrying that weight. We’re in decent shape, so hiking 3 miles sans kid is not a big deal to us but it took us about 3 hours with her. She started to get really cranky at about the 2 hour mark. So the last hour was really just about managing her and trying to get back to the trailhead as quickly as possibly. Every kid is different, so yours might be completely fine, but my focus would be on whether there are interesting, shorter hikes.
Also, at 8.5 months, my LO was taking 2 naps a day (sometimes 3), which left a relatively small band of time to really get outside. How will that affect your plans?
Betty White says
Thanks for the comments, everyone! I think the naptime issues (which I hadn’t really considered enough) are enough to make me want to hold off a few years. Thanks again!
Anon says
Please help me, Corporette moms! I have a fairly casual job in a state court system and try not to look sloppy but generally don’t need business or even business casual. I’m in my second trimester and suddenly nothing fits. I just stood in my closet this morning with no ideas at all of how to dress myself. I have some pants but literally like two shirts that fit. I’d love some ideas for brands/flowy tops you like that aren’t even necessarily maternity but that can get me through at least the next couple of months. Thank you!
NewMomAnon says
Do you have cardigans and blazers that can make your two shirts go a bit further? I had a couple plain white and black t-shirts from Liz Lange line at Target that I wore constantly with different pre-pregnancy blazers and cardigans, big chunky necklaces, or scarves.
Honestly, the Target maternity line gave me my favorite maternity work wear….they had some awesome dresses that I could wear with blazers to look “nice” and lots of cute tops.
Katala says
I recently got a flowy top from the limited (“printed pleat-front top”) that seems like it will last through at least 2d tri, if not longer. The pleat in the front means it will expand to fit various belly/b**b sizes so I plan to wear it PP too. They seem to have a lot of flowy stuff now, and they’re on shoprunner if you have that.
lucy stone says
I am still wearing the Boden blackberry dress in my normal size at 39 weeks. I just bought a few more because I feel like it will also be a postpartum workhorse for me.
For shirts, Macy*s has a line called BumpStart that are often on sale and inexpensive that worked great under cardigans.
I also bought two different dresses from the Expected by Lilac line at Target that I really love and have worn the heck out of.
Anon says
Sorry if this is a double post – I tried to post and it isn’t going through so not sure if it is stuck in moderation for some reason. In short – second trimester, suddenly absolutely nothing I own fits or is flattering. It’s so frustrating. I need casual tops for work. Like think nice jeans and shirts casual, no business attire necessary. Stood in my closet this morning and just stared at everything. I have the bottoms under control but need ideas for tops PLEASE! Ideally something that ships fast. Thanks, all!
Anonny for now says
Ugh, I am in the thick of it (and unfortunately I mean literally thick) with you. Do you have an actual bump, or are you just thick (like me)? For me, I’m finding it easier to wear tunic-style shirts that conceal (even though my pregnancy is public at this point) than ruched-side or tight shirts which show off ones bump. I have a handful from Uniqlo that are a sateen/rayon fabric that are relatively light outside, but not too cool inside with the AC. YMMV may vary depending on how you’re carrying.
Anon says
Thanks – in the past two weeks I’ve passed the conceal stage, but before that was just going with loose conceal tops. I’m now in the OMG I HAVE NOTHING IN MY CLOSET FOR WORK stage.
Faye says
Take an hour and go to Kohls or Target. They have in-store maternity sections. Try on a bunch of tops to see what you feel good in – ruching vs tunic vs peasant. Experiment with cardigans or blazers if you want more coverage. Buy 1-2 that you like, and then you can go online and buy more of that style if you need a few more.
But you won’t know what’s comfortable and tolerable-flattering for you and this stage of your bump til you try them on, unfortunately.
Anon says
Thanks.
GCA says
What about dresses? I had a couple of loose-ish dresses that I lived in. Look at the Cos or Uniqlo sites for ideas!
pockets says
I really liked Eileen Fisher for this stage in my pregnancy. I got two tunic-like tops on sale and wore them every week. They were flowy and skimmed right over my bump. I think they worked until the end but I’m not 100% on that. You can also wear postpartum and beyond. It’s pricey, sometimes you can get good deals on Nordstrom Rack.
POSITA says
I wore a ton of non-maternity dresses with blazers over the top. I found that tulip, a-line and swing dresses all fit for a long time during thw transition phase. In some I had to go up one size to accommodate growing boobs.
POSITA says
http://www.loft.com/paw-print-tie-neck-dress/404511?skuId=21468308&defaultColor=6600&colorExplode=false&catid=catl000013&productPageType=fullPriceProducts
POSITA says
http://www.loft.com/striped-short-sleeve-swing-dress/411196?skuId=21347726&defaultColor=6600&colorExplode=false&catid=catl000013&productPageType=fullPriceProducts
POSITA says
http://www.loft.com/tile-jacquard-flounce-dress/402894?skuId=21356971&defaultColor=0473&colorExplode=false&catid=catl000013&productPageType=fullPriceProducts
POSITA says
http://www.loft.com/ottoman-flare-dress/403604?skuId=20963040&defaultColor=8356&colorExplode=false&catid=catl000013&productPageType=fullPriceProducts
POSITA says
http://www.loft.com/dotted-blouson-dress/406629?skuId=21120787&defaultColor=6600&colorExplode=false&catid=catl000013&productPageType=fullPriceProducts
bigcitynewmom says
Long time reader, first time poster. I’m wondering what the likelihood is that I can continue to nurse AM and PM while weaning off the pump at work.
Here’s the background:
I have a 5 month old who has been mostly breastfed since birth. We had some issues with slow weight gain caused by a dietary intolerance not diagnosed till 3.5 months, so have been fortifying his bottles of breastmilk to increase the amount of calories per ounce. Since returning to work a month ago, I’ve been pumping at 10 am and 4 pm and nursing him midday.
On a great day, I go home with 6-7 ounces TOTAL from both breasts over 2 pumping sessions. Sometimes I just get 2 ounces. So I’ve been supplementing with formula as needed, and have gotten over all of my self-induced hangups about supplementing.
But overall, my milk production is trending downward. I think there are a lot of culprits: I have low capacity breasts (have never, ever been able to get more than 4 ounces from both breasts, even using a hospital grade pump in the early days), just don’t respond well to the pump (PISA, Ameda Truly Yours, or manual), have not gotten more than 2.5 uninterrupted hours of sleep for months, and (probably the biggest culprit), I’m very, very stressed about my milk supply. I have tried every supply-boosting technique there is, from oatmeal to watching baby videos to replacing the membranes to fenugreek bars/teas/supplements, active pumping, etc. etc. Nothing makes a consistent difference. I physically and emotionally cannot commit to pumping at home before/after work or over the weekends.
Babe will move to a new daycare when he’s 6 months old and I won’t be able to nurse him at midday. I’m considering slowly weaning off the pumping at that point and just nursing at home. Given everything I just mentioned, though, I’m worried that I won’t be able to maintain an adequate supply for at-home nursing. Any experiences with or insight on this from you wise mamas?
Anonymous says
Pumping isn’t great indicator for how much he’s getting when nursing. My daughter was EBF for a year because I could never get let down for a pump. (Canadian w/1 year leave) Kellymom etc have articles explaining how pumping isn’t a great indicator of how much milk baby is getting.
You should be able to continue to nursing morning and evening even if you stop pumping at work. If you can try to nurse first thing in the morning – like the second he comes of the crib, then again either at daycare (do they have an office you could use?) or in the car before drop off. Nurse when you pick up/immediate on arrival at home then again before bed and once overnight (dream feed before you go to bed. With 5 nursing sessions a day, I’d be surprised if he needs supplementation beyond a bottle at lunchtime. Check with new daycare to make sure they are good at dealing with BF babies – you don’t want them giving a bottle immediate before pick up.
Anonymous says
This is based on assuming you enjoy BF but hating pumping. Assuming you enjoy BF based on the midday feed commitment and want to continue daytime BF as much as possible. If you prefer to BF once morning/evening then do whatever schedule works for you. Awesome that you’ve made it work this far.
Maddie Ross says
This. Morning and night feeds only worked for us (very well in fact!) from about 7.5 months to 14 months. Just be sure you don’t feed mid-day on the weekends or if you happen to be home. For me, that would mess up my perfect balance. Consistency was key.
bigcitynewmom says
Thank you both. I actually do love the actual act of BFing. If I could get more from the pump, I could tolerate that better too. But since I don’t get “enough” from the pump, it’s become this large, noisy, cold, negative THING, and stressing about pumping output day in and day out is taking its toll on me.
NewMomAnon says
Hugs. You’re rocking this, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
The advice I’ve come across a bunch of times (although not on Kellymom, because they are all EBF OMG) is that it’s the presence of some b*milk that is beneficial, not the complete absence of formula. Don’t worry about trying to give kiddo all the nutrition he needs in the morning and night nursing sessions. It will make you just as crazy as pumping does. Let him get what he wants with a a bedtime feed and a wake up feed, and use formula as needed. I know a lot of moms who do that. It’s probably only another 4-5 months anyway until solid food makes up a much bigger chunk of his diet.
Anonymous says
Surprised that you found KellyMom not supportive. I actually found that site had some of the best info on pumping and combo feeding and partial weaning:
http://kellymom.com/ages/weaning/wean-how/weaning-partial/
http://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/bottle-feeding/
NewMomAnon says
I found that pretty much everything on KellyMom was slanted toward “BF until it makes you crazy, then cut back a little.” Which was not a good message for me postpartum.
Like, even the bottle feeding article requires you to link through the pumping section, which means you might not get there if you want to find out about formula. And it includes this sentence in the first paragraph, which is awful for a mom struggling with EBF: “Direct breastmilk feedings from the mother’s breast are always preferred to any artificial source or substance.”
Shame on you, mom, for having a job and/or choosing to not have your b**b available 24-7. WTF.
And the partial weaning section has a portion about working moms that I found really judgy; the three scenarios of what kind of working moms might partially wean sets it up as a pro or anti pumping issue, instead of giving the message that b*milk benefits come from the presence of any b*milk, not absence of formula.
Long story longer, I found KellyMom pushed me deep into the bowels of mom guilt whenever I questioned the wisdom of continuing to nurse. And I needed the advice that formula was not the devil, that lots of moms (working and SAH) choose to nurse when it’s convenient and enjoyable to them and outsource to others (formula or pumped milk, whatevs) when it’s not.
Anon at 12:10 says
I think you’re reading in a lot that’s not there. Lots of things are “preferable” but that doesn’t mean the alternatives are “the devil”. We all just chug along doing the best we can and what works for our families.
My first was EBF. My second was 50-50 BF and formula from the first week and I found KellyMom had lots of good info on how to combine. I never pumped at work (never even tried) because I fit the “does not wish to pump at work” reasoning. I’m not sure how that “sets it up as a pro or anti pumping issue”.
I found this from the partial weaning article reassuring “Breastfeeding is not an all-or-nothing process. You can always keep one or more feedings per day and eliminate the rest. Many moms will continue to nurse only at night and/or first thing in the morning for many months after baby has weaned from all other nursings.”
bigcitynewmom says
I think I have ready every Kellymom article a dozen times, and depending on my hormones and mood, I either hear the very judgey tone that NewMomAnon mentions, or I hear “you’re doing the best you can! here’s some helpful info!” so ultimately, i’m ambivalent about the site :)
NewMomAnon says
There is bias, and it’s important that we all recognize it instead of seeing the KellyMom position as “neutral.” KellyMom is geared toward promoting bf’ing. That is why it exists. It is akin to the Similac or Gerber websites in that it has an agenda and uses language to suit that agenda. And that is fine, as long as we all recognize it as biased and treat it accordingly. I nursed; I’m glad I did, and I’m glad there are efforts and resources to make that choice easier for more women. But I still see KellyMom as coercive.
For instance – KellyMom put that sentence I quoted as an absolute; direct breastfeeding is ALWAYS preferred. But what about preemies; babies with cleft palates; mothers who need chemo or meds that aren’t compatible with breastfeeding; mothers who are overwhelmed with the physical, financial and mental toll of being the sole source of nutrition and primary caregiver for a child for an entire year? In those situations, “direct breastfeeding” is not preferred. But KellyMom blurs over all of that. It should say, “In most situations, direct breastfeeding is preferred.” But it doesn’t, and that failure is coercive.
*off my soapbox*
Lorelai Gilmore says
I had a horrible time breast-feeding and, at least back in 2010, Kellymom made it worse. I suspect that it’s about me more than the site — but nevertheless, I never recommend it because when I was in the depths of despair about my low supply, reading Kellymom just resulted in me sobbing while pumping for the 400th time in a given day, only to get half an ounce at most. It was a bad scene.
Anonymous says
Yes more about you.
Samantha says
Hugs. I’m sorry you are so stressed about this. It is absolutely possible to nurse on a limited basis while baby gets formula at other times. I have continued with early AM and bedtime nursings with both my kids for many months after I stopped pumping at work. And I was never able to pump a ton at a time either (low total capacity, lack of sleep). I was also somehow able to nurse on weekend mornings even though I didnt pump at that time on weekdays. Not sure how my body knew to produce at that time, or whether baby was getting anything (though I’m fairly sure I heard swallowing). But the answer is yes.
Also – know that this is a passing phase. 6 months down the line you will be getting more sleep, and baby will be eating solids well, and you’ll be a lot more relaxed overall, I promise.
bigcitynewmom says
thank you! this is a helpful perspective.
ANP says
You’re getting good advice here. Just want you to know that you, mama, are enough. You are doing GREAT for your baby! I’ve got three kids and they were all different degrees of BF, and at the end of the day each is happy, healthy and hilarious. B-milk is great but a balanced mama does worlds more for her babe.
The sleep thing is key. Get some sleep (I KNOW that is easier said than done). You will be in a better frame of mind about all of this with rest. I don’t know if you have a spouse/partner who can take a night or two, but if so then please consider handing over the nighttime reins w/o guilt. I’m rooting for you!
Anonymous says
This for sure. Even if you want to continue to BF at night, if you’re not cosleeping you can have DH get up and bring you the baby and settle the baby back when done nursing. I barely had to be awake while nursing at night if I stayed in bed. It woke me up WAY more to actually stand up, go get baby and nurse sitting up in the nursery then try to settle myself back to sleep.
bigcitynewmom says
Thank you both! Hubs is going to handle nighttime feeding tonight while I sleep in the living room with earplugs. I’ve been so worried that not nursing at night would impact my supply, but one night shouldn’t make a difference.
Anon in NYC says
Based on this reply I’m assuming that your LO is still in your bedroom. I found that me and my husband (and our daughter) got much better sleep when we moved her into her own room. Even though it was interrupted by middle of the night feeding sessions, the quality of sleep between those sessions was so much better. She was a noisy sleeper and every stir just woke me up. Not sure if that’s an option for you, but wanted to share if you’ve been hesitating on making that move. I didn’t feel emotionally ready at the time, but my LO outgrew her bassinet so we had to switch her over!
CPA Lady says
Never pumped at all ever. I gave my kid formula during the day and nursed her in the morning and evening for months. It was great. Formula let me enjoy nursing. Producing b-milk was not a burden or responsibility the way it would have been if I would have EBF-ed, and nursing was a joy when it was a choice. I really loved it. Granted, I had zero guilt about supplementing from the beginning and super low expectations as far as nursing went. I was surprised by how much I loved it and did it for a lot longer than I was expecting.
bigcitynewmom says
This is great to hear, thank you. I definitely did have guilt about supplementing, but I’m trying to reframe as “supplementing will help me BF longer.” I love BFing…it’s the pumping that’s not good for me (on a lot of levels).
anon says
My situation was different, as I my body was okay with the pump (seems like kind of a dubious honor, no? although I too was obsessed with making sure I could pump enough. It is just weird thinking about it in the abstract in hindsight). But FWIW, I quit pumping around 13 months and nursed at home morning and night pretty regularly for another year until I cut it off. Obviously the situation with an infant is different, but I was certainly still producing milk even with minimal nursing.
ChiLaw says
Hey, you are doing great! I nursed my kiddo in the morning and before bed (and sometimes right after work) and whenever on the weekends, all while dropping pumping sessions at work. It worked for us! I’m sure she got most of her nutrition other times, but I got to snuggle her during those nursing sessions!
Meg Murry says
I could have written this story with my first son – except in my case he never, ever figured out how to nurse at the breast, and after 3 weeks of exhaustion and tears we went to me pumping 5x a day (and then down to 4x a day once I went back to work), which provided 40-50% of his daily needs, and we gave him formula for the rest.
I just wanted to say that you rock for sticking out nursing and pumping for this long, and even if your supply does dwindle more after you stop pumping, you should still be able to nurse for the beneficial aspects of b-milk (antibodies, etc) and for baby’s comfort, even if it starts to become less and less of his total caloric intake. And if you are ready to say “that’s enough” – that’s absolutely fine too – congrats on getting past such a major hurdle and sticking it out for as long as you did. Especially with the dairy issue – that’s so much to deal with! So give yourself some major credit for what you’ve done so far, and don’t beat yourself up – because you are probably right, at this point sleep is going to help way more than any amount of pumping or oatmeal, etc.
You probably don’t want to drop mid-day pumping cold turkey, as that would probably not help your supply either – but you could probably switch over to *only* pumping at lunch (when you used to nurse) for a few weeks, instead of at 10 and 4, and then slowly drop that as well.
And FWIW, even after all those struggles with my first, I was able to BF my second with only a moderate amount of combo feeding (mostly by choice, only a few weeks by necessity) – so just because it didn’t work out this time doesn’t mean that you are doomed to never have BF work out. And for additional perspective, to quote what I said last time this topic came up: formula is not evil, and we are lucky to live in a time when it is available. As the extremely sensible and compassionate lactation consultant I was working with pointed out:100 years ago, rich women would have had wet nurses, lucky poor women would have had lactating relatives, and unlucky woman would have had their infants die. Formula is not evil, it is a miracle product that saves babies lives when used properly, and don’t listen to the “everyone can and should bf!” chants – because it just plain isn’t true, and we are lucky to live in a time where we have the option to keep our children alive by other means.
Anon Today says
I have an interview this afternoon! True lateral, but just looking to move into a different company for professional growth and a new environment. I had “hunkered down” in my previous/current jobs to make it through pregnancy and baby time and am excited to think of something new. My youngest started “nursery school” today and interview scheduled the same day – maybe the stars are aligning. Also – do I have to wear pantyhose? It’s 90 degrees out there!
mascot says
Wear the pantyhose- unless you are interviewing outside, this is a temporary discomfort. Good Luck!