Everyone Thursday: Merona Tailored Ponte Blazer

We’ve featured this Merona blazer before, and we mentioned it in Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report last week at Corporette, but it remains a great option for a blazer under $50. And since it’s at Target, it also fits into the category of Things You Can Buy While Shopping For Your Kids. This has been around for a long time and has really good reviews, so if you’re looking for an affordable, machine washable blazer, definitely check it out. Depending on the color, it has gone as low as $9, but it’s currently $30 in heather gray and black. It comes in sizes XS-XXL. Merona Tailored Ponte Blazer

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  1. Daycare Question says:

    My daughter is 15 months and currently still in the infant room at a small, local chain daycare center. When she started at 7 months, it was our understanding that infants graduate to the toddler room at around 15 months. My daughter visits the toddler room almost every day at the end of the day when they consolidate rooms/teachers, and does fairly well. Yesterday I asked the toddler teachers when they thought her transition would happen since it was my understanding it should happen around when she is 15 months. They told me that another boy (probably a couple months older than my daughter) was in the process of making the transition, and that after that it would be another girl’s turn to move up (she is 1 day older than my daughter), and then it would be my daughter’s turn. They didn’t say it outright, but I think they have to stagger the elevation because of space in the toddler room, not development of the kids. My question is should I ask to pay the toddler rate, which is several hundred dollars less than the infant room rate, if my daughter is only still in the infant room because there isn’t room for her in the toddler room? Has anyone else dealt with this issue? I understand she is still in the infant room with the higher teacher to kid ratio, but she no longer requires the same amount of attention as the younger infants.

    • Abdominal Binders says:

      I would be very surprised if they let you pay the decreased rate, given the ratio issue. Also, sometimes older infants require just as much attention as new ones (just different sorts of attention). For example, feeding meals often takes longer than feeding a bottle. You can always ask though.

    • Daycare Question says:

      That’s a good point about the different sort of attention! I also think it is unlikely they would allow us to pay less, but my husband is upset about it, so I figured I would check here before talking to daycare. If it’s totally unheard of, I don’t want to risk our good relationship with the daycare by making a ridiculous request!

      • Anonymous says:

        I would ask if she can transition at the same time as the girl who’s going before her. If it’s an issue of not enough room in the Toddler room, not much you can do though. I wouldn’t ask for the decreased rate while she’s still in the Infant room — I would just push for the Toddler room (e.g., if your daycare offers part time care, could your daughter be in the Toddler room for part time care and in the Infant room the rest of the time, so then you’d pay a blended rate?)

    • mascot says:

      In some ways it’s dependent on the development of the kids in the class ahead of yours. We spent a long time in a young toddler room because my son was behind Kid A in line to move up. Problem was, Kid A’s older step? sibling, Kid B was in the next room and they didn’t want Kid A and Kid B in the same class. But, Kid B was taking forever to potty train so they couldn’t move Kid B up. It all worked out in the end, but it was a little frustrating at the time.

    • LegalMomma says:

      My daughter was in a similar situation. Our daycare moved her to the lower rate at 18 months which is when the ratio requirements changed even though she was technically still in the infant 2 room. We didn’t ask – the daycare did it as a matter of course, I think to avoid the exact issue you are dealing with here, resentment re: not being moved up due to space constraints.

      All that to say – it doesn’t hurt to ask!!

    • Timing is so tough for these things. Little HSAL is 17 months and moved into all her daycare classes (she’s on her fourth) earlier than the ‘normal’ age, but there are kids six months older than her who spend extra time in each of the classrooms because they’re waiting for a space to open up.

      I wouldn’t ask for a change in the tuition, because I agree with Abdominal Binders that older babies require a different type of attention. But I would ask what they can do to make sure she’s keeping up with the older kids – of course I think my kid is smart, but I think she’s advanced in several areas just as a function of spending more time with the ‘bigger’ kids and doing what they do. So I just wouldn’t want her to be bored if she’s the oldest one in the infant class, and they have to cater more to the youngest.

      • Daycare Question says:

        Yes, I think you’re right that I should ask about what they are doing to keep her stimulated and learning. They have mentioned that she seems bored sometimes, but in the context of a discussion regarding her eating habits. I should follow up re: concrete steps to prevent that boredom.

        • Not just the boredom, but actual development too. Most of the chains follow a specific “curriculum” to encourage hitting specific milestones. She likely doesn’t need to continue with “baby” toys and needs to move into the rice tables and play kitchen type stimulation. She also should be around talkers to start to encourage her verbal development. Ask what they’re doing to adjust for this – do they have enough floaters that she and the other child could spend a few hours in the toddler room during the morning learning time? (Nap time for the babies, maybe?)

    • In our state, daycares have to provide a 2:1 kid:teacher ratio through age 2. So you could console yourself with the fact that your daughter is giving extra attention that at least in some places is standard. (I’m not saying anyone who lives elsewhere is depriving their 15 month old if they have a different ratio, just that this is not universal and could be seen as a positive).

      • getting extra attention I mean

      • NewMomAnon says:

        Whoa, that ratio is incredibly low – are you sure? Most states have a 4:1 ratio for infant rooms, and 3:1 is considered gold standard.

        • Sparkly Stuff says:

          New York State – it’s 2:1 for “Large Family Childcare Centers” https://daycare.com/newyork/

          These are the most common centers in my NYC neighborhood, as far as I can tell.

          • Sparkly Stuff says:

            I should add that they all probably flout the rules though

          • NewMomAnon says:

            Ahh, but the actual corporate “centers” have the typical 4:1 ratio. The 2:1 is for home-based care with 6 kids or less. That is similar to my state’s home-based care ratios.

        • EB0220 says:

          Agreed – in my experience (NC, SC, VA), the infant room is 5:1 for meh daycares, 4:1 for good, 3:1 for amazing. My daughter’s onsite daycare was usually 2:1, 3:1 at worst (someone had to use the bathroom) but I didn’t know there was anywhere that mandated 2:1. Woah.

          • Sparkly Stuff says:

            These centers are often mixed age though; some aren’t big enough to have a dedicated space for infants. My son’s had kids from 0-5ish. So I think in practice each provider assigned to 2 infants was also often dealing with older kids. I don’t really understand how they count for official purposes.

        • Anonymous says:

          Just for context. My area is max 4 under 12 total with a max of 2 under 2 and 3 under 3 per caregiver. Eg: 1 6 month old, 1 12 month old, 1 21/2 year old + 1 older kid is the max. Applies to family home centres and larger corporate centres (except max of 4 doesn’t apply – just age limit max).

      • AnonMN says:

        I was also really surprised by this ratio! Although I know this is the ratio for in-home daycares in MN (only two infants per provider, they can have more older kids though). But I’ve always thought most states are 4:1, with 3:1 being gold standard.

    • Anonymous says:

      No specific advice that hasn’t been mentioned, but I just wanted to chime in that we’ve been in this exact position at two different daycares, so it’s totally not uncommon. Both times, my LO was in a cluster of birthdays all together, but she was at the end of the line. So several kids got to move up before her, even though in my opinion she was more ready to move up (her nap was better suited to the older room in one case; in the other, she seemed (again, to me) more advanced with her motor skills). In both places, the policy was to move them up by age, unless there was a really striking reason not to. So my daughter sat around as the oldest longer waiting for room in the next room up. It was frustrating to me, but it’s unfortunately just policy. And once they start making exceptions, it’s a slippery slope…

    • Jeffiner says:

      My daycare had a parent-teacher info session about transition recently, and the director immediately brought up the fact that parents want to move out of the infant class as soon as possible to get the lower tuition. So go ahead and ask, the daycare likely already knows your concern about the tuition.

      My daycare seems to do transition a little differently, but I don’t think we have space concerns. The kids go from the infant to the toddler room when they are good walkers. My daughter didn’t walk until 14 months, so she was a late mover, although they did let her spend part of the day with the toddlers. After that, kids move from the toddler room up to the two year old room on their birthday.

      There are 8 kids in my daughters class that turned 2 in the span of 4 months. Some parents had asked to wait and just keep the group of 8 together, to make transition easier for the kids, but the daycare was concerned about the older ones not getting enough stimulation in the toddler room. Also, the accreditation board would have questions about so many late transitions.

    • AnonMN says:

      At our daycare you pay the tution based on the child’s age and not what class they are in. This is based on the ratio required based on age, not classroom. So we pay the infant rate until 16 month, because the daycare is still required to have a 4:1 ratio for him until 16 months. On the other hand, we started paying the preschool rate for my 3yo once he turned 36 months, despite the fact that he is still not in the preschool classroom (November birthday).

      The ratios in the class stay on point for the kid’s age. So my 1 yo is in the 1yo classroom that has mixed ratio kids (4:1 for 12-16 months and I think 6:1 for 17+months) and they keep the proper amount of teachers based on the mixed ages. Same for my 3 year old’s toddler class, it’s all older kids, but some require the under 36 month ratio and others can have the over 36 month ratio.

      It seems complicated to me, but it seems to work well for our center.

    • EB0220 says:

      We have gone to 5 daycares over the years. In all cases, kids haven’t moved up to the next class until there’s a space. They must maintain the required ratios and cannot exceed a certain number of bodies in the space. Usually they go in order by age unless there are really extenuating circumstances. Your tuition changes when you move to the next class because of the ratio change. I would find it a little unnerving if my 15 month old were in the same class as tiny babies, so I might discuss that with the director. In terms of transition timing and tuition, though, this all sounds pretty standard to me.

      • Meg Murry says:

        Yes, our daycare transitions generally by age but also by space available – they can’t move her up if that would screw up the ratios in the toddler room. In my state the ratio doesn’t change until 18 months, so if they moved her earlier they’d have to comply with the ratios for younger kids, not older.

        Also, at our daycare moving up rooms tends to be a domino effect, so unless a couple families leave there aren’t a lot of transitions in the spring because the preschool rooms are full and no kids are moving up. Then in the summer some parents pull their kids, or in the fall when the whole pre-k class goes off to school, there are waves of transitions that domino through the whole school.

  2. Help! My six month old is on the move and our new house has a stone fireplace hearth with sharp edges that is making me nervous. Any ideas on how to protect my little man without creating something completely unsightly for the middle of my living room?

    • Unfortunately, I think unsightly wins here. We have a brick fireplace hearth, and we just stuck foam padding made for that purpose around it with velcro (it actually came with the house–we took it off for a few years pre-kids and stuck it back on when my oldest were born). It does it’s job, and it will come off when the time comes to sell. In the meantime, we have unsightly gray foam padding around our hearth.

      • Anonymous says:

        +1 to the unslightly gray foam. You’ll probably only need it for a year or so.

        • Beans says:

          Yep. This is what we had to do, and frankly, it is still on the fireplace. My kids are 2 and 4 but they run around and fall all the time.

    • Yep, unsightly. My brother used the gray foam padding that RR mentioned, and when we’re at my parents’, I just block off the corners with some potted plants and pull a floor rug over the front of the hearth.

    • Betty says:

      I have not found a way to keep the kiddos away from the fireplace that is pleasant to the eye. We have a full hearth gate around our wood burning stove that is in our living area. We use the stove through most of the winter and it gets incredibly hot, so we needed something that would keep them from touching intentionally or by accidentally crashing into it.

    • Be diligent in teaching him to stay away from it/not to climb on it. We also have a stone hearth. We just led baby away from it every time he showed interest and now, at almost 2.5 years, we don’t have to worry about it. Also, we have a cushioned ottoman that is way more fun for him to climb so maybe offer an alternative and he won’t be interested?

    • Frozen Peach says:

      My parents use pool noodles for this purpose so they can easily remove/ reattach them.

    • Jeffiner says:

      Some of my friends had a long low hearth that people typically used as a low bench during parties. After they had a baby, they made some L-shaped cushions to fit over it. They got the foam from a craft store, and her mom sewed custom shaped covers for them. It looks very nice in the house, and its padded for both the baby and for guests to sit on.

    • They make a kind that just goes around the edge so you can remove it. It doesn’t look awesome but I don’t think it’s that bad; we plan on doing it.

    • Anonymous says:

      Friends got one of these: http://www.jamboocreations.com/ And it looks and works well.

  3. Abdominal Binders paging Cate says:

    Cate, if you are still willing to part with your Bellefit, please email me at rose in bloom 001 (no spaces) at gmail. Thank you!

  4. SEDC Mom says:

    Hi everyone, I returned to work a short time ago, and had a much harder time than I expected leaving my daughter- I never thought I wanted to stay home, and I still don’t, but it was a much harder transition that I expected. I’m strongly feeling the “lean out” at work right now, as my job is relatively cushy. But my performance review, while fine, was not what I expected it to be. So then I start thinking, well, maybe I should explore other options, challenge myself a bit more- but my daughter is in a daycare near where I work, not my husband, and getting a new job would mean moving daycares, which is tough in this city of long wait lists. And then I think, well that’s ridiculous, your job has a lot more pros than it does cons (and I used to work for a truly toxic boss, so that makes me leery of leaving a pretty good set-up). And I haaaaate the whole process of job searching. Thoughts? Advice? Commiseration? I realize I have a long career ahead of me, and I want to get pregnant again relatively soon, so does it make the most sense to just sit tight?

    • Anonymous says:

      I would sit tight. A stable job with a good office environment can be a big help in the pregnancy/baby/toddler years. It’s okay to not love your job. If you need a challenge, maybe try more involvement in a professional association? The upcoming pregnancy would be a factor for me in sitting tight. Secondary infertility is an issue some couples face, and if pregnancy/newborn baby #1 was easy, sometimes it’s harder the second time around (or better – you never know!)

      Commiseration that it’s hard to feel that you simultaneously want to be in two places at the same time. That’s 100% working mom life.

    • How long have you been in this job? Were you happy before you had your daughter?

      I think it can’t hurt to start casually looking to see what’s out there – sometimes just seeing what your options are can help clarify things. But I would give yourself time to readjust too; most jobs have ebbs and flows of satisfaction, at least in my experience, even outside of major life transitions.

      • To be honest, I’d be careful about looking until you decide you want to leave. We have an acquaintance (someone in my husband’s industry) who was fired for looking. He worked for Company A and made it through several (I heard 4?) rounds of interviews at Company B. Company B decided to demote the supervisor Acquaintance was interviewing with instead of hiring a new person in that position. Manager at Company A was then told that he needed to lay off one person, and he chose the person who he had heard was looking to leave. Fortunately, Acquaintance seems to have landed on his feet–my husband hired him for a temporary position, and then Acquaintance found a good job at Company C.

        • With at well employment, this is always a risk. I was let go from a job once and strongly suspect they knew I was looking (based on all the “dentist appointments” I had; there was also a mutual lack of fit for the position).

          I got the offer for the new position during my severance period, so it was all fine. But this for sure happens.

        • I meant looking as in casually reading job announcements, not necessarily interviewing – that is obviously more risky.

    • I would sit tight, but my first step would be immediately getting on the wait list for a daycare near your home, if at all possible. That will give you so much flexibility in the future – most notably that your daughter can still go in to daycare when you’re on mat leave with your next kid. (Invaluable for those first few weeks!!!) Or if one kid is sick and you need to stay home with him/her, you can still take the other one in. And of course, gives you a lot more flexibility when job searching.

      Once that’s settled, then you can start passively job searching. Update your resume, look at job descriptions, start to soul search about what would really make you happy in your job. I don’t think anyone truly loves their job, but what would make you not dread going in? What kind of salary or benefits or work schedule would make a change worth it to you – like if you got an extra week of vacation or could work 6-4? Ruminate on all of that, and that will help you make your decision. And if something incredible pops up, you’ll be well-positioned to evaluate it in terms of your life. If you decide you’re happier where you are for now, what kind of skills might help you leave? Can you try to develop those?

    • Yup, sit tight. You’re going through a huge adjustment and trying to figure out your new normal. The first day I went back, I just kept telling myself 2 weeks, 2 weeks, this will feel more normal. And eventually it did. I also second finding a daycare near home.

      That said, if you’re really unhappy with your job, by all means, start looking.

    • Anon in NOVA says:

      Was your performance interview just “good” instead of the “exceptional” you’re used to, or are you feeling like you may need to start searching based on that?
      Part of “leaning out” is accepting that your performance will just be… fine. Or maybe good. But not great. and that’s ok- that’s the sacrifice you’re making for the pros that come with leaning out. I promise, I’m speaking from experience. I would sit tight. Starting somewhere new when you’re in lean out mode isn’t going to go well.

    • I had a performance review in between DD1 and DD2, and while the numbers weren’t far off from any other review I’ve had, the overall comment was something like “rakma needs to take more initiative in spearheading projects” I’ve never had a comment like that, in a review, in school, anytime, and it threw me for a loop. Around that time I decided I needed a new job, to have another baby, I started looking at new houses–I took a completely honest and frank assessment and turned it into ‘you’re failing at everything, go be the go-getter you were before you had a kid’

      Yeah, none of that was really the answer. I wasn’t taking much initiative due to some political stuff, I was using kid stuff as an excuse for that, and when I got called out on it, I panicked. The political stuff settled down, I focused on what my strengths were, and I’m in a much better place at work post-second maternity leave than I was at that review time. I was sitting tight because I wanted to have a second kid, and knew what leave policies etc were like, but I’m now really invested in what’s going on here.

      All that is to say, give it a little while before you make any big decisions. I’d say a full year of being back before you really assess how it’s going (unless it’s at the toxic level, but that doesn’t sound like what you’re dealing with)

      • SEDC Mom says:

        Hi Rakma and Anon in NOVA, thanks, I really relate to this (and thanks above to everyone for your comments!). I plan to push back a bit on the review, as I do feel it is not entirely fair, although by no means an indication that I should start looking. I do need to step up my game a bit, but boy the sleep deprivation really isn’t helping! And unfortunately we just do not have good daycare options near our house- we’re on the list for one near my husband’s work, but I think that’s unlikely, and plus I do really like the one she’s in now. Ultimately, I know the answer is to sit tight and try to step it up where I can here, as I’m not in a position to be giving it 100% at a new job. I guess part of it is my husband is really killing it at work right now, showered with praise and offers of new positions, and while I am so supportive of him, and agreed that I would lean out right now so he could lean in, I didn’t really anticipate the hit my self esteem would take. Thanks again to everyone for your thoughtful comments.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I have the gray version of this and love it, but people said last week on the main s*te that the black version is very shiny in a weird way. Just FYI.

    • I made that comment on the main site, but I was talking about a different Target ponte blazer with no lapels and no button that was on sale for $9. So I have no opinion on whether the black is weirdly shiny on this particular blazer. (Perhaps someone else did though – I didn’t see if others posted the same feedback).

  6. My son is turning 3 this weekend and we did not plan a birthday party. Work has been crazy for me so we are a bit behind on everything and, honestly, he doesn’t really have a lot of friends. He goes to nursery school and is friends with the kids there but we just didn’t feel like it was necessary to spend $500 to invite all 10 kids and have a huge party for a 3 year old. Anyway, now I feel guilty because I have nothing planned and I want him to have a special day. Any thoughts on a fun activity or a special day for him?

    • Have a cupcake or donut in an unexpected place – in a park or at a restaurant or picnic on the living room floor. Get some helium balloons of his favorite characters. Sing happy birthday and blow out a candle. Done.

      • Mrs. Jones says:

        This is a great idea. Balloons plus sugary treats are always a win for little ones. Enjoy!

        • Thanks. I think mom guilt is just taking over.

          • NewMomAnon says:

            I had planned to do a small friend birthday with 5-6 kids, and then I got sick and buried at work. No friend party for kiddo!

            Her dad and I took her out for french fries and hamburgers and she got a really awesome temporary tattoo at the restaurant. Then my mom, dad, sister-in-law, and brother had us come over for dinner and cake (which they prepared!); they had decorated with balloons, streamers, confetti, noisemakers, etc. Kiddo LOVED it, probably more than an overwhelming, loud, stressful friend party.

            You really don’t need to feel guilty about birthday parties at three. The excitement of a little celebration is way better than the stress of a guilty, overburdened mom trying to throw a giant party.

      • Anonymous says:

        This. We celebrated 3 with donuts at breakfast, balloons on her chair, and a tiara. Did gifts and a cake that night. It was just me, my kid and DH. And she felt totally special.

        You can also check and see if daycare allows you to bring treats in. Perhaps sending donuts with your child or mini-cupcakes or cookies for snack would make her feel like she was doubly celebrated. No need for a party at 3!!!

    • Children’s museum, new park/playground, zoo, kid friendly live music. Are there unique and fun things in your city that are family friendly you just haven’t gotten around to yet?

      • Edna Mazur says:

        Or that you have and is a known winner? My kiddo is obsessed with the zoo, we have a membership, and totally did that with local grandparents for 3rd birthday. Also, dinner at restaurant is exciting at that age.

    • I like what Anon @ 10:20 suggested. If you want to do something that seems a bit more special, you could do a family outing at a park, pool, indoor gym, children’s museum, etc.

    • Why not do something fun that requires no planning like go to a zoo or a kids museum? Cupcake or ice cream after.

    • anne-on says:

      Special birthday breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes? donut? french toast?) followed by fun kid-centric activity – kids museum, play space, zoo, aquarium, etc. Devote the day to him (no other errands) and have a special dinner (favorite food! balloons! cupcakes with candles!) at home plus maybe a movie night?

    • Donuts for breakfast with birthday candles! My husband started this tradition for our kids and it’s the best! It totally kicks off the day of celebration (no Pinterest required) and they LOVE it.

    • Anon in NOVA says:

      Does he travel well? Can you do a “special birthday trip!” aka a day trip somewhere? Just to a museum or something in the nearest big city, but hype it up as a “special birthday trip” and “special birthday day” all day and he’ll love it I’m sure.
      Or, if things like the museum and the zoo are local, you can still hype up the birthday treat, make special birthday breakfast, decorate his chair at the table with balloons the night before so he wakes up to a “birthday table”, etc.

    • If you feel terribly guilty about not having a party, you could also invite 2-3 friends over for a playdate with cake and call it a birthday party. One of my friends did that a few months ago and it was really simple and nice.

    • EB0220 says:

      We always call it “kiddo” day and let them pick an activity, meal and dessert. They love it.

    • Don’t sweat it. My kid just turned three. We did: funny face pancake in the morning, balloons on his chair, we went to see a matinee movie (Moana at the $2 theater in town), and went out for a pizza lunch. After nap time grandparents came over, we ordered food in, and had an ice cream cake while opening a few presents. Great day.

    • Anonymous says:

      Zoo day! Best 3 y-o party ever.

    • Solidarity. Kiddo’s 3d is coming up. We are going to go to dinner at a place he picks and then blow out candles and have cake when we get home. He will love it and it will be more special to him to spend time with his parents and sibling then to spend more time with the kids he sees all day at daycare while having stressed out parents.

    • Balloons and cake is all you need. You can up the game with a trip to a children’s museum, or a train ride, or a train ride TO a children’s museum (or aquarium or whatever).

      Or, if there are no good museums, build a bear or its ilk.

  7. anne-on says:

    Anyone else suuuper excited for spring? Finally being able to play outdoors! and plant! and not have random snow days!
    I also just ordered two more fruit trees for our backyard, we’re gradually trying to plant a miniature orchard back there (our house used to be an apple farm) and it’s making me tear up a little to think that the trees I plan now with my little boy may someday be the trees he brings his kids to to pick fruit! And in the meantime we all get so much pleasure out of watching the fruit grow and ripen (though we got all of 4 apples last year – its a start!)

    • AnonMN says:

      YES. I am optimistic about my garden this year (like I am every year before my plants start to die, haha). And having the kids outside is so amazing!

    • Oh that’s so cool!! We are in a flat (ground floor with a tiny garden) but I love seeing what I can do in such a tiny space.

    • Meg Murry says:

      Good for you! We also have planted quite a few trees over the last few years in the hope of having a mini-orchard, but a lot of them haven’t done well with extra cold winters, etc.

      But here’s my tip – right now, while you still remember, find a way to record the variety of tree and the years you planted them. There are fancy little signs you can order, or you can do what I’ve been nagging my husband to do – take a screenshot of the property from Google Maps satellite view and then mark where each tree was planted, the variety and the year. Because you think you’ll remember – but after 5 years of a couple trees a year, you’ll be going “which apple variety is this? Its a yellow one, but which yellow one? Ok, forget about the name, is this the kind that’s good for pies or for applesauce?” And you will be kicking yourself for not having a clue.

      And yes, I could do it myself, but my husband is the one who buys the trees from random places and then plants them where he wants, so right now he can *usually* pull the variety out of his memory – but I know that won’t hold up much longer.

      • anne-on says:

        Oh wow, would not have even thought of this! Most of our trees so far are the ‘one variety a limb’ version, but here’s hoping one day we have a true orchard!

  8. Anonymous says:

    My husband struggles with big changes (understandable, not something I blame him for) and we just decided to put an offer on a house after a lot of discussion of pros and cons, financial impact, etc. The short story is, we want to sell our current home and upgrade size (we need to within the next year or two), and our realtor had us visit a house before it goes on the market that is perfect but needs a ton of work. We are making a lowball offer, which she (realtor) thinks might be too low, but is worth offering. We (husband and I) went through all the implications and decided it was worth a shot.

    But when he gets nervous about things, he shuts down. So I am trying to schedule a time for us to go sign the offer, but he is not responding to text or chat about what time. He is acting like he’s surprised we both have to go and then stopped answering. I’m not sure if he just got busy at work or, more likely, he is shutting down because he is nervous. I always feel like I’m pushing him when this happens. I’m more decisive and less risk-averse than him, and I’m aware of that, so I try to be very accommodating and make sure we are discussing things thoroughly and I’m very up front about how I feel about a decision.

    For example, with this house, early on in the process, I said, “I’m interested in pursuing this, but I don’t feel like we have to, so if this is too much house and too much work, that’s fine – let’s not pursue it further.” He said let’s look at the money. We did, and it’s a stretch (mainly because our house now is paid off so it’s really cheap to live there), but we decided it was doable. Again, I said, I’m ready to make this jump, are you feeling ok about it? And he said yes. So now I’m not sure, do I say, again, are you sure you want to go through with this? Or just push it through?

    FWIW, when we’ve made “jumps” before, he’s been happy with the result. I’m just really aware that I can be pushy in general in life, and he is a lot more likely to go along with things, because he doesn’t like conflict and he wants to do what I want to make me happy. It’s hard because I just want to sh!t or get off the pot, but I also don’t want to push him into a decision, but I also feel like we already MADE this decision. Ugh. I don’t even know what I’m asking, other than, do any other decisive women on here struggle with this? I love my husband and I understand this part of him I just want to be accommodating without enabling, I guess.

    • NewMomAnon says:

      Why do you have to physically go somewhere and sign the offer? Most realtors use e-signatures now and just e-mail everything around. That might help him move on it – it’s a big commitment to leave work, drive somewhere, read paperwork, and then sign your life away. If he gets an e-mail, he just has to click, click, click, done.

      And I suggest that because I tend to shut down in those kinds of situations, not because I’m nervous, but because c’mon people. We made the decision, why are there so many hoops to execution? Maybe he just doesn’t want to expend any more emotional energy dealing with it.

    • My husband is exactly like this, and buying a house was a complete nightmare. We live in a very competitive market, and we lost out on 28 (!!) offers/bidding wars because he would move too slowly and panic at the last minute that we were paying too much. It was very frustrating. He does exactly what you’re talking about, too, where I will have to push him to do things, and then he’ll be really happy about the result.

      As for what to do… I don’t know. Sometimes I push him to do things if I really care (like getting a dog last year – I really wanted a dog), and other things I just let go if I don’t feel like convincing him (like getting a gardener to take care of our yard). There are also a lot of other good qualities that come with this type of guy, like being very steady and stable and devoted. I love all those things about him and they are foundations of our relationship, so I try to remember that when I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall.

      • I think we are married to the same man.

      • avocado says:

        My husband is a lot like this. He gets his mind set on what he wants to do and gets all anxious until it’s done, but shuts down any discussion of what I want to do. This is why we recently spent thousands of dollars replacing something on our house that was perfectly fine instead of the thing that is actually failing. He is also extremely anxious about money and attaches moral judgment to decisions about spending and saving. Like CHJ, I just have to let a lot of things go, or prepare my argument and wait (years in some cases) until the time is just right. He also accuses me of being bossy because I am the one who researches and executes everything, even though he always gets what he wants. It can be maddening.

      • Anon in NYC says:

        Lol, this sounds very similar to my husband. Indecision (when it comes to spending money) to the point of being semi-paralyzed. Sometimes it feels like he would rather kick the can down the road until he is forced into a decision. Or, until I make a decision. It can be SO frustrating, but I 100% agree about the good qualities too.

      • My husband is like this, too. He is very anxious/undecided until he’s decided, and then if it’s HIS idea, he’s fine with it. But if he’s in the anxious/undecided phase there’s nothing I can do to move him out of it.

        With buying a house, it just took looking at SO MANY until he realized we needed to go for the kill ASAP with a good offer put in within 1-2 hours of seeing the house. When he came to this understanding on his own with a house we both loved, it worked. But I couldn’t have rushed him there on earlier houses.

        Giving him research to show I’ve looked at different options also helps (on any big purchase). I tend to be more impulsive, so I like that we even each other out.

    • I would question whether you want to undertake major renovations with someone with this quality. You already made the decision to make an offer, and he is still dragging his feet/shutting down. What happens when you have to make any of the 1000s of decisions regarding fixing up the house? And then implementing them? I’m not saying he is a bad guy, but he is probably a bad guy to do renovations with.

      • avocado says:

        Excellent point.

      • Sparkly Stuff says:

        OMG, very good point. Or make sure he agrees to you making all the decisions.

      • Yes, good point. When had a good experience redoing our kitchen together, so I’m hopeful it won’t be all bad?

      • Sarabeth says:

        OMG, so much this. My husband is like this too (still have some resentment about the beautiful house that we didn’t buy because he couldn’t make up his mind for two weeks, at which point it had obviously sold). Never doing renovations with him again.

    • Meg Murry says:

      Sometimes I can be this person, and sometimes I don’t do it on purpose but I just hate texting back and forth 25 times with regards to scheduling. Instead can you just pick a time and say “Any reason you can’t meet with the realtor after X:00 today? Let me know, I plan to call the realtor in the next hour.” And my husband sometimes does the same thing to me, not really getting back to me on what is or isn’t an ok time.

      In this case, I’ve found most realtors willing to bend over backwards to help you sign an offer ASAP – and are willing to do it after regular business hours, etc. So unless your husband regularly has client meetings in the evenings, can you just call the realtor and then tell your husband “the appointment is at X:00, if you can’t make it or don’t want to put in an offer after all, call me ASAP”?

      • Well….it turns out he has lots of reservations so we are talking about it now and maybe not making an offer. I”m really glad that I pushed him to talk about this more but also frustrated that this didn’t come up earlier the several times I tried to ask if he was really on board with this. Ugh. Now I don’t know what to do but it’s probably beyond the scope of a message board to help me at this point.

    • Jeffiner says:

      OMG you just described my husband. I don’t have any advice, I just want to thank you for helping me understand him. On the big ideas he has, he’s excited and all in, but on my ideas he freaks out and shuts down, even if he initially agrees. He’s also really happy after the fact when I push him into things, but sometimes accuses me of being bossy during the push.

      Right now we’re arguing about having a second baby. Even though our original plan was to have two children, I can understand how having the first could completely change someone’s mind. I definitely want to have a second, but I feel guilty pushing too hard. I think parenthood is something you shouldn’t be pushed into. I think my husband is hoping he can just keep shutting down and avoiding the topic until I hit menopause.

  9. I am feeling so unmotivated to pump. The last few days I have only pumped once – sort of dictated by my schedule, but not really. I know I’m playing with fire, supply-wise. Part of me is thinking, I’ve made it almost 9 months, just push three more to my 12 month goal. And part of me is thinking, maybe I’m not making time for pumping because I’m over pumping.

    • Mrs. Jones says:

      9 months is awesome! I totally support stopping pumping when it no longer serves you. Baby will be fine!

    • EP-er says:

      I really, really wish someone had told me I didn’t have to pump anymore and things would be okay. Especially if you are nursing when you are home. You made it NINE MONTHS! That is so very awesome! And if you put some formula in a sippy cup to supplement during the day, you are STILL AWESOME. And if you want to pump, pump. AWESOME!

      Your child will be okay whatever you choose. Choose what works for you.

    • Live on the edge! I didn’t notice 1 pump made my supply worse; I just got about the same amount in less time. Your at the point where a lot of women experience a supply downturn anyway, so if you are doing okay, you are already ahead of the game.

    • Live on the edge! I didn’t notice 1 pump made my supply worse; I just got about the same amount in less time. You’re at the point where a lot of women experience a supply downturn anyway, so if you are doing okay, you are already ahead of the game.

    • AwayEmily says:

      I think the right time to stop is “when you don’t want to do it any more,” which sounds like it’s now o’clock! Yay! Also, I found that switching from 2 to 1 made a HUGE difference for me mentally. Once was so easy to schedule, but twice was a huge pain. At 10-ish months she started having 1 bottle of formula and 1 bottle of breastmilk at daycare and it was great and I wish I’d done it sooner. I thought I would feel a twinge of regret but I did not feel any (nor did I when I stopped pumping altogether at a year).

    • Anonymous says:

      Dude. I am only 3.5 months in and I only pump once a day at work. And with my first, I stopped pumping at work around month 7 but still kept up morning and evening feeds until 14 months. It will be ok. And if it’s not, there are options (formula for one, or doing some power pumping to get your supply back). Test it out. See how it goes. It’s totally freeing!

    • Anonymous says:

      At nine months, you’re probably actually not risking much by pumping only once a day. You can nurse morning/evening/overnight and still keep up your supply. I would be inclined to continue pumping once a day at lunchtime for another month or so as a sudden stop (like going from 2/3 sessions a day to none) can dry up milk a bit. Just pump once a day while you eat your lunch, see how your supply adjusts and maybe drop that pump in another month or so. That’s just what I would do but YMMV of course.

    • Work travel? says:

      I hate pumping with a fiery passion. Hate, hate, hate. 9 months and you’re just now down to 1x/day – you’re a bada$$ mom. And if want to be completely done so be it (although it might be uncomfortable for a while). I feel like around 10 months or so w my last kid I completely gave up pumping (might have been closer to 12 mos, but FOR SURE I was not pumping even 1x/day every single day by that point). I had enough of a frozen supply to keep baby fed w/o formula by then but we were dealing w food allergies that would have made formula harder for us else that would have been fine.

      Anyway despite my recklessness w pumping I kept up nursing till 24 mos, which I loved. Yes, I was sometimes uncomfortable and I leaked, but honestly my body was pretty amazing and able to roll w demand fairly well.

      TL;DR: another vote for ditching the pump if that is what you want!

    • Anonymous says:

      Drop pumping. Nurse night and morning. If you were in Canada your pediatrician would have okayed cows milk for kiddo at 9 months.

      • I’m in the US and our pediatrician told us to introduce cows milk at 9 months just to get him used to the taste. He was drinking about 3 ounces a day by 10 months, though.

    • trust your gut—9 months is amazing. It’s okay to be over it! I HATE pumping–I made it to 10 months with the first 7 months with the 2d. Be kind to yourself

    • I quit at 9 months. My kid wasn’t into nursing anymore (plus, she was a biter). It became more of a struggle than a benefit. Best decision ever.

    • Thanks everyone. I needed this today.

    • PrettyPrimadonna says:

      OMG, are you me?! I have been thinking I’m ready to stop pumping the last several days and not making much effort to pump as often as I need to. Today, I have managed to pump once, this morning, at work and I am writing this comment instead of pumping now. Le sigh.

  10. PeePants says:

    Thanks ladies for your solidarity! It’s honestly so nice to know I am not the only sad loser peeing whenever I sneeze. This has taken a huge toll on my self esteem and even basic things – I haven’t gone to a movie in over two years and I don’t try on clothing in stores.

    And thanks for the many suggestions – I will let you know what works.

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