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Happy Monday! I love this sophisticated top from Lilac Maternity, as well as all three prints it comes in right now — it looks flattering but comfortable, and wearable from work to the weekend. It’s also a nursing top, huzzah! It’s $66 at Nordstrom. (There are also some longer-sleeved solid versions that were $88 but are now marked to $61.) Megan Maternity/Nursing Top This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
baths together says
I have two same-gender children (not twins, but close in age). We all are in the bathroom together when we go to the pool to shower off, etc. and in locker rooms. At home, it was much easier to wash hair, etc. if I threw them in the tub together. Is there an outer age limit on this at home (or more like if they are older than 4, just let them take turns and let them get better at things so you can sit back and relax and just supervise).
PinkKeyboard says
Mine are still little, but when I babysat I believe the oldest child (girl) was booted from group baths at 8? I think 4 is very young to worry about it unless someone is uncomfortable.
D. Meagle says
I have a boy and a girl, close in age, that I bathe together. I raised your question a few weeks ago on this page, and the general answer was “its okay until someone starts expressing discomfort/desire to bathe alone.” It is so much easier to do it at once, so I am going to keep going for as long as I can. FWIW, I still shower with both my kids sometimes. My husband is no longer comfortable having our daughter in the shower with him, so that has stopped.
Anon says
I remember being like 6 or so and demanding my own bath. Not for privacy, but because I was a long 6 year old and my sister was 3 and also long legged. Not much room in there! Plus, I was starting to prefer showers.
Anon says
My brother and I bathed together. It started to be uncomfortable when he was around 6 and started becoming interested in anatomical differences more aggressively.
Paging Rainbow Hair says
I got my kid a pretend makeup kit. The “Little Cosmetics Pretend Makeup Signature Set” from amazon. The compacts and stuff are real, but instead of makeup, there is craft foam. It’s really neat. There are a set of brushes, a foundation, blush, eye shadow, and glitter eye shadow. There’s also a lip gloss with roller ball. Nothing in it, of course, but my daughter loves to pretend with it. No mess, which is the best.
avocado says
This is genius! Just like a toy housekeeping kit, toolbox, cell phone, etc. for kids who want to imitate adults.
Rainbow Hair, I was able to get my kid to sit still for toenail polish at around age 2.5 or 3. I only put on one coat and then dried it with the blow-dryer on cool to set it. I was using Piggy Paint, which dried very quickly but I don’t recommend because it is impossible to remove even with the proprietary polish remover. When I switched to regular polish I would have her sit with her feet sticking straight out in front of her for the duration of a couple of stories or a PBS Kids show.
Cb says
Ugh, 31 weeks today. I’ve been joking that I was just whelmed but I think I’m entering overwhelmed territory. Pre-baby, I need to finish and submit my dissertation, work 4 days per week, do my taxes, and get things prepped. The house needs painting and we’ve got a painter waiting in the wings and I CANNOT chose a colour to save my life.
Someone tell me that I can do this on my 200mg daily allocation of caffeine? Send “keep cooking” vibes to my baby b/c mama has things to do? Pick paint colours for me?
My mom arrives on Friday to help out for a week and I think I’m going to burst into tears of gratitude when I see her.
CPA Lady says
What color paints? I love picking paint colors!
CHJ says
Seriously – we can help with the paint! Crowd-source it!
Cb says
I’m looking at Farrow & Ball peignoir for the hall and sitting room / kitchen. We’ve got a a light grey oak floor throughout the house and I thought this might look really nice. And Farrow and Ball pink ground for the bedrooms (feels quite airy and calm but not blue – I hate blue walls) but my husband is not completely convinced and I worry that it is quite trendy. If it was two shades lighter, I’d love it.
We live in Scotland – it’s grey here most of the time so I wanted something soft but also a bit cheerful.
Anonymous says
That pink is quite pink – I wouldn’t want it in my bedroom either if I was a guy. Do you have an office or den that you could do super girly in that pink shade and then the rest of the house more neutral? I like that peignor color. A pale, gray-ish seafoam green is also a good choice for a pop of color that isn’t too dreary or too loud.
anon says
This post on pastel paint colors might be helpful to you:
https://stylebyemilyhenderson.com/blog/favorite-pastel-paint-colors-grown-ups
That said, we painted our whole living room/kitchen area a similar light peachy pink and I love it!
Repainting isn’t that hard, so worst case scenario, you redo it.
Pogo says
I really like the first color, but I’m generally a neutral/beige/greige type of person. I like to bring pops of color in with the decor.
A lot of off-white colors can be bought with a slight cast of a color… I’m not explaining it well, but that’s what we went with for the living room. I wanted a baby blue, but obviously true baby blue is A Bit Much. So I got a color that looks basically white (my husband couldn’t believe it wasn’t white when we opened the paint can!) but if you hold a true white piece of paper up to it you can see it’s a very, very light blue. Could you find something like this for the pink?
Unfortunately I’m only familiar with US paint colors/brands…
momoftwins says
Most paint colors are mixed to order, so you can have them lighten it if you want. We recently painted our living room, and I had the hardware store mix in 25% white.
Cb says
Oh, and add to the general angst, there is a general election on and even as a political scientist, I have election fatigue.
need support from the other side says
I have been feeling really depressed about my weight post-partum. Basically my size is almost exactly the same, except for my stomach. Even my waist on the sides looks normal, but in profile, my stomach just still looks pregnant. I weigh about 15 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight, and I’ve only lost about 5 pounds after the first six weeks (at almost 11 months now). I am struggling because I weighed basically the same within ten pounds since high school (on the higher side of normal to slightly overweight for my height) and with my height, I can go up or down some pounds without changing sizes. But now my clothes will fit me normally except I can’t button the waist – not even close. I bought two pairs of elastic waist Eileen Fisher pants that I wear to work and otherwise wear stretchier clothes that still fit me from pre-pregnancy. I tried to pull out some summer clothes for work over the weekend and virtually none of them would button shut.
I am still nursing at almost 11 months though the baby is eating a lot of solids now. I don’t know what to expect after weaning – if that will make a difference. Honestly, the number on the scale is less important than the fact that my stomach just feels (and looks, to me) giant. I have been tracking my calories and trying very hard to stay under the target amount but with nursing I still feel hungry all the time. I still worry about keeping my supply up if I do anything too drastic. I guess what I am looking for besides sympathetic listening ears is some real talk about whether I need to do something more drastic for weight loss or if this is just my new normal or what. I feel like I have seen no change in months. I also just got my period back and I’m sure that is partly why I feel so upset about my weight right now.
anon says
Do you have diastisis recti? That could be part of the waist stomach issue. Beyond that, go shopping and buy new clothes that fit – consider it an investment in your mental health. Eventually you can decide if you want to accept this as new normal or do more dieting/exercise or what, but I would wait until you wean to do too much – some women do hold on to a little until they wean. If you find that weaning doesn’t help, then you can worry about it then. My son is about to turn 5 and I am finally loosing the baby weight (and the post weaning weight gain – watch out for that, although I wasn’t watching what I ate much at all – sounds like you are being much more disciplined. I was eating doritos and cookies all the time). I will say that loosing weight now seems to require more calorie cutting than it did before, but I don’t know if that is hormone-related, age-related (I’m 40), or what. It took me years to make peace with having to eat less and also to realize I could actually do it and not be hungry all the time.
FTMinFL says
Definitely get checked for DR or other abdominal wall weakness! Another note to remember is that relaxin hangs out in your system until you have fully weaned, which may contribute to a set of core muscles that is less equipped to “hold you in” than in the past.
Nursing through 11 months is no small feat. Congrats to you and your body for juggling pregnancy/baby/life so well for nearly two years!
RDC says
“go shopping and buy new clothes that fit – consider it an investment in your mental health.”
Thank you for phrasing it this way – I’m about to go back to work and need to bite the bullet and do some shopping, but it’s so frustrating when I’m not at a shape I’d like and hope to lose weight eventually. And just feel like such a waste of money. This is a much more constructive way to look at it.
CHJ says
+1. And if you’re planning to have more kids, the transitional sizes will come in handy when you are back in your first/second trimester.
Em says
I put on 35 pounds when I was pregnant and lost 20 within the first 6 weeks. I exclusively BF for 1 year, and from 6 weeks pp until one year pp I only lost another 5 pounds (so I was still up 10 pounds at 1 year pp). Once I weaned at 1 year, the last 10 pounds, plus a couple extra, came off over the course of 6 weeks. I was exercising a few times a week most weeks (but not at all some weeks) and eating healthyish, but not doing anything drastic. My body looks mostly the same as it did before I got pregnant except that my stomach is squishier and by b**bs look like tennis balls in nylons :) Don’t underestimate the toll BF-ing takes on your body and reevaluate once you wean. Your body is still in limbo when you are BF-ing so you won’t know what the new normal is until a few months after you wean.
OP says
Thank you, that sounds like me so I will try to hang on until after I wean!
CHJ says
I also couldn’t lose the last 10 lbs or so until I weaned completely. I was just sort of puffy until then. I would reevaluate after you wean, but I found that everything (weight training, exercise, diet, etc.) made a huge difference after I weaned, and made no difference at all before.
Msj says
Sounds like DR. Also if you are planning on weaning in the near term, I’d try to hold on until you do before stocking up on a new wardrobe. My body continued to shift as I weaned (primarily bust). I also found that my appetite naturally tapered back down to normal – vs the teenage boy starving feeling I had nursing twins.
And in general, I really love high waisted pants and control top tights. It’s more comfortable feeling “held in”. Eileen Fisher is also great if you pick through.
shortperson says
i gained quite a bit of weight after i weaned :-(
AnonMN says
+1
JEB says
Me too. I think kept eating like I was still nursing.
OP says
Thanks, everyone. This makes me feel less like I’m resigned to this for the rest of my life. Also, two years – wow. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you are totally right!
CHL says
It will change! Your body is still working “Differently.” It will probably change after weaning and that’s not really that far away, so just hang on. Something to try might be exercises designed to reduce “Mom Pooch”. I hate this term, but that’s how it’s branded online – yuck. This targets the abdominal wall muscles that are usually severely weakened after childbearing. Even though my number and body fat are down, unless I keep doing consistent exercise for these, my belly pokes out. But most of all — you did something amazing and your body probably won’t ever be exactly the same. You might need some new clothes after weaning and stablizing just because stuff shifts around.
RDC says
Along these lines, my physical therapist recommended “fem fitness” on YouTube for core and pelvic floor exercises after childbirth. I did one of her ab videos and found it challenging (in a good way).
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7gmvwvuou3o
CLMom says
I need recommendations for slip on shoes (because TSA/airplanes) that will be fashionable and supportive for running errands around town in a variety of outfits. My dream shoe would work with skinny jeans, yoga pans, and the rare maxi dress. I would like to wear socks, if possible.
Sperry Topsiders? Sketchers? Other?
D. Meagle says
Vans slip ons. Definitely with jeans and yoga pants, but not with maxi dress.
CLMom says
I forgot about Vans. Are they supportive for a long day on your feet?
bluefield says
Vans are super uncomfortable if you need arch support. They’re basically flat. I use Superfeet insoles with them (I have flat feet) and that helps a lot.
CLMom says
Thanks for the feedback. My arches are on the higher side.
mascot says
If you like the look of Vans but want arch support, OluKai makes a shoe that might work, the Pehuea.
I also love my Sperry boat shoes.
CLMom says
Thanks, I’ll check it out.
lsw says
I got a pair of Supergas in a great colonial blue and I wear them with everything (including casual dresses). Works with our without socks. I laced them up one grommet short so they slip on.
lucy stone says
I have slipon Supergas and love them.
Anon says
LL Bean and Lands End make ballet flats with arch support. Highly recommend, although I am definitely sockless – I think I have worn socks maybe 5 times in the last year outside of athletic endeavors.
GCA says
I swear by Sperry canvas sneakers! Order half to one size up.
October says
I love the Toms Avalon. Sturdier (rubber sole) than the classic Toms, and really comfortable.
Pogo says
SPD/PGP in pregnancy…
I just read Kat’s post about this, btw, which was helpful, but didn’t have any comments from the hive on it (was from two years ago when commenting was less frequent).
Did anyone have this and did they learn any exercises that are supposed to help?
Everything I’ve found online talks about things to relieve the pain – which I get, pain is bad. But I’m more interested in what I can do to actually combat the root problem. I’m also interested if anyone has info on whether the pain is detrimental long term (meaning, if you ignore the pain or don’t follow all the recommendations… are you causing permanent damage to your pelvis?)
I know the answer is “follow all the recommendations to reduce pain because pain is bad” but as an athlete I’m using to pushing through pain *if* I know I’m not doing permanent damage.
I brought the pain up to my midwife at my last appointment and she suggested a maternity support belt, which I bought (Kat suggested the same one). It helps, somewhat.
CLMom says
Pelvic Girdle Pain?
I had it *terribly* for 1-2 months during pregnancy, but at some point (perhaps start of month nine) it went away on its own. Perhaps it went away due to baby getting into the head-down, delivery position and no longer stretching me out. I barely did any of the exercises, and just dealt with the pain. FWIW, labor/delivery were a breeze, and I have zero side effects or damage from the PGP, except the bad memories.
Of course, continue to consult with your doctor.
shortperson says
i had spd last week pretty bad and had it worse in my last pregnancy. the main thing that helped both times was seeing a chiropractor that specializes in maternity. i had never been before and i’m from a firmly anti chiro family so it took a lot to get me in the door but it really helped. it also helps to sleep with a medium pillow between my legs (too big of a pillow exacerbates) and to avoid sitting cross-legged (which is very hard for me). i also see a maternity mfr specialist regularly for all the weird hip/pelvic aches.
LegalMomma says
second the go see a maternity chiropractor rec. There was a world of difference in pain from baby 1 to baby 2, the chiro help immensely
Pogo says
Cool, I can do that. I have a chiro already but haven’t seen her in awhile as I was doing fairly well! I just checked her website and she is certified in Webster Technique. Did your chiro use that?
LegalMomma says
Webster is the technique my chiro used. I saw her approximately once a week during my third trimester. (I still go to her now — it helps with the tension between my shoulder blades I get from pumping / br**stfeeding/ etc.
AwayEmily says
I found the advice in this book very helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Relieving-Pelvic-During-After-Pregnancy/dp/0897934806/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422589927&sr=8-1&keywords=cecile+rost
There’s a lot of everyday stuff in there, like how to sit/get out of bed/put on pants in a way that helps, plus a bunch of specific exercises designed to get at actual problem (which she argues has to do with asymmetry)…my pain pretty much disappeared after a few weeks of doing these exercises. I do think it’s worth trying to get at the root of the problem (whether it’s with this book, or via a chiropractor, or whatever), because even if you’re able to push through the pain during pregnancy, for some women it gets worse after pregnancy, and pushing through pain when you are post-partum with a newborn sounds a lot more difficult.
Pogo says
Thanks – Kat rec’d this book also and I ordered it.
K. says
You might check out the facebook group One Strong Mama. They are eventually putting out a paid program for pregnancy pain stuff, but they have posted lots of free material including exercises to strengthen that area and reduce pain.
Seeing a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor or post-partum issues would probably be helpful too. Which is what I”m doing today to help with my SPD pain today (which started at 13 weeks w/ pregnancy number two and it is sucking big time)>
JEB says
I had SPD was pretty painful, so I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with it. When it first started, I didn’t realize that’s what it was, and I likely exacerbated it by trying to do deep stretches that felt good in the short term. So don’t do that!! I started wearing a maternity support belt, which helped. And I decreased the size pillow I put between my legs at night. I also saw a chiropractor who helped a bit. The advice I got from my OB was to keep my legs together. So at yoga, I avoided any positions where my legs were separated (I eventually stopped going because it didn’t leave much for me to do). I stopped doing water aerobics. Getting in and out of the car and out of bed, I turned my body with my knees together, rather than putting one leg out first. I avoided stairs wherever possible and patiently rode the metro escalators rather than walking them. I shortened my stride. Good luck!
JEB says
Oh pants too! Sit down while putting on your pants and try to do both legs at once so you don’t have much separation. My husband would usually help me, if that’s an option for you. Ah the “closeness” you develop while pregnant…
Pogo says
“I likely exacerbated it by trying to do deep stretches that felt good in the short term”
Yeah, that’s my concern. If doing stretches or not being obsessive about keeping my legs together getting in and out of bed etc is actually making the problem WORSE, I don’t want to do that.
The pain is really not that bad for me, compared to what I’ve read (women who can’t walk). But it’s definitely SPD – I can tell because my pubic bone is tender to the touch right where the symphysis joint is.
JEB says
I’m glad it’s not too bad yet. I don’t know about getting to the root of the problem. I’m not sure that you can. But you can definitely keep it from getting much worse by being very careful. Luckily mine resolved quickly after giving birth!
Jax says
I had it and couldn’t walk without pain in the last few months of pregnancy. Nothing really helped other than to lie down and avoid walking (sorry to say). With my first I broke down in month 9 and rode in the beeping, motorized carts at the grocery store because I couldn’t make it around the store without tears.
The pushing part of labor was a breeze! 6 pushes with daughter #1, 3 pushes with daughter #2.
ANon says
My maternity leave is over next week. As the days go by, I find myself more and more certain that I do not want to go back to work. Unfortunately, I can’t tell if it’s just because I’m dreading returning to the high stress nature of my job and the frustrating office politics, or if I genuinely want to stay home longer with my baby. I think my employer would be okay with me extending my leave if I asked for it, but I don’t want to ask if deep down I know I don’t plan to return. The extended leave would be unpaid, but it’s not fair to make my employer hold my office for me when I know it could take weeks to find a replacement for me. I also know that my firm is really struggling to find good senior associates so my current absence is really hurting them. Anybody else struggled to determine whether you genuinely wanted to stay home longer vs just wanting to avoid work? Any advice to help me figure out what I want to do?
Anonymous says
I second the response below from shortperson. Unless you were seriously and realistically contemplating being a SAHM long-term before baby arrived, I’d try to go back for at least a couple weeks to see if the feeling sticks. The weeks leading up to the end of maternity leave and the first week or so back are the hardest part I think. You might settle back in and feel okay about it eventually?
momoftwins says
Thritto. I dreaded going back to work, but once I got back into the swing of things, I’m much happier working than I was staying home full time. That said, I do wish I had taken a month or two of unpaid leave.
Anon says
Agree- I was dreading going back to work but was much happier and felt more like myself again after I settled in. I did later take an opportunity to go part time though, and I really like that balance, especially because my husband job has long hours. Can you ask about starting back part time for a few weeks or months to transition? That might be a happy medium while you figure it out.
Anonymous at home says
I was in a similar situation. I gave my notice after about 4 weeks of leave (wanting to give as much of a heads-up as possible). I have now been home for about two years and it was absolutely the right choice for my family. My husband has a stressful, unpredictable job with long hours, and I don’t think our marriage or our parenting experience would be in a very good place now if I were still working my same job (also high-stress, long hours). Having said that, I did do some freelance work, and I do sometimes think that if I could find a part-time, short commute, leave-work-at-the-office job then I would consider going back. However, that is really idealistic thinking, and as such I’m pretty committed to staying home with my kids for the near-term.
All this to say, I love the life I can provide for my family as a stay-at-home parent right now. The days are long and the tasks are often tedious, but I no longer have that shoulder-crushing feeling of work stress. I also love the spontaneity I have in planning my days and doing activities with my son, even more so now that it’s spring/summer. To answer your question, I think it was both — I wanted to be more present with my children and husband, and I wanted to avoid the pile-on of work stress + stress of raising little kids. The thing is any choice you make right now does *not* have to be permanent. You have one life, so don’t be afraid to experiment to see what works best for you.
bluefield says
I never thought I could be a SAHM – even after I had a kid – but I was fired and stayed home with my young toddler for 6 months and it was great. Everyone was surprised that I enjoyed it, no one more so than me. I eventually went back to work part time even though I had a more lucrative full time job offer at the time (even if you annualized my part time salary). And now that my child is going to a 5-day a week program next year, I’m kind of bummed that we will no longer have full days together (there is another on the way but a 2 month old does not compare to a 3 year old). Looking back, I was really stressed during the time that my husband and I worked full time, and I did not have a particularly stressful job. I can’t imagine if two people have demanding, stressful jobs. And it’s so convenient to be around and able to do chores during the week (painters coming? furniture deliver? I can handle it).
All that is to say, if you think you want to SAH, go for it. You might love it and if you don’t it’s not that hard to explain a 6 month-ish resume gap, especially if you just had a baby.
Also, don’t be so concerned about your employer. If the situation was reversed and they decided that they needed to cut your job, they wouldn’t give the negative effects on you a second thought. If your office sits empty for a few extra months, everyone will survive.
Lorelai Gilmore says
I agree that the end of maternity leave and the beginning of the return to work is the hardest part of the work-life balance. I went back at 5 months and I didn’t feel close to myself until 9 months out. I had to go back for financial reasons because I was the sole breadwinner at that point, and oh, how I hated it – but now I see that the benefit of “having” to go back is that I never had to make a choice and so I had to power through the hard return to work.
I did go back on a part time schedule, which was incredibly valuable for me. If you like your job and the attorneys you work with, it’s worth considering whether they’ll make accommodations for you. Good senior associates are invaluable and I bet they’d be willing to let you work part time if it means not losing you.
Finally: you know what it’s like to be a worker. And you know what it’s like to be a mom to an infant. You don’t yet have any idea what it’s like to be a working mom. My own mom stayed at home, and I had virtually no role models for working motherhood when I had my baby. I remember feeling like I would actually die the first time I left my baby at home to go to work – but before I knew it, I was back on the subway headed home and walking into my apartment and holding my daughter and even though it was hard, it was revelatory to me that I could leave and go to work and then come home and still be the same mom to my daughter. If I’d been able to quit while on my maternity leave, I never would have discovered that I could be a pretty awesome working mom.
And now that my kids are older, I am so grateful that I kept working – it’s gotten me a career I love and value, with enormous autonomy. If I want to work from home for a day to chaperone a field trip, I can. If I want to pay for my daughter to go to sleepaway camp, I can. If I want to volunteer at reading group once a week, I (almost always) can. For me, it was the right choice, even though I came to it kicking and screaming.
ANon says
OP here.
Lorelei, you really hit the nail on the head with your comment about me not knowing what it’s like to be a working mom. I think part of my fear/dread of going back to work is that I just don’t know how it’s possible that I could do both things and do them well. Baby and I just got into a great routine and I started to really enjoy our time together. The thought of giving that up for needy, ungrateful corporate clients and unprofessional opposing counsel and narcissistic partners just makes my skin crawl. I worry that at work all I’ll be doing is wishing I was home with Baby and at home all I’ll be doing is stressing about the work I still have to do. I know I’m not the first woman to ever come to these crossroads, but boy am I shocked at how difficult this decision is for me.
Anon says
I won’t belabor this point because this decision is tough enough as it is … but exiting the workforce is risky. I know you know this. Unless you’re independently wealthy, this plan only works if your husband doesn’t cheat or divorce you / get sick / die / fall into addiction, etc. It makes you (and your child) wholly dependent upon him for support. Are you comfortable with that? I love my husband but I know that he’d struggle mightily with the pressure of being the sole source of support. (I also know that his mental health / addition issues are exacerbated by this sort of stress. I hope for your sake that you’re not in a similar situation.)
On the one hand, few decisions are “permanent” – you could try going back to work, and change your mind. You could try staying home, then change your mind. This isn’t a one-time, never to be revisited scenario.
But on the other hand, a “small” decision now could have big impacts down the road – to your marriage, your financial security, and your career. I loved (and love) my baby and going back to work was tough at first. But 3 years out – I get a rush from self-identifying as a successful working mom, and in being a role model in that space. I did make a job change with my little one was 7-months old – out of litigation and into a government role – and now I feel like I have the best of both worlds. Security, interesting work, and influence – plus great benefits, lots of vacation time, and a work day that ends when I leave the office at 4.
ANon says
OP here.
Thank you all for your thoughtful input. Your words have really put my mind a little more at ease. Your personal experiences are really helpful to read.
I will think it all over and report back. As of now, I’m thinking of asking for another month and then to return on a part time basis for the first few months until I get back into the swing of things. Now I just have to muster the courage to make the call to the managing partner.
Anonymous says
FWIW, I would guess you hold the power here. While this decision might derail the perfect path to partnership (which may not be a path you wanted in the first place), I’m guessing they will want you back in any capacity that they can get you – even if it’s only a few days a week and starting several weeks later than they were planning. For the sake of mustering up the courage, I would assume you can get whatever you need — meaning, don’t be afraid to have this convo, as it’s likely going to result in a “yes” answer to whatever you ask for. And while you might be disappointing them because they are buried right now and could use an extra hand sooner than later (and just the act of delivering bad news can require some courage), if any of these folks are decent human beings, they will probably understand where you’re coming from and not hold it against you long term. Either way, you got this.
ANon says
Thank you!!
shortperson says
i would go back, either when you’re due to or after an extended leave. see if you hate it. if you do, look for other jobs while you think about quitting for real.
i say this because if you arent sure and think you may regret your choice either way, it’s a lot easier to quit your job than to find a new one after being out of the workforce.
Anonymous says
Anybody else freaked out by the NPR story posted in last Friday’s news roundup about the maternal death rate in the US? We are thinking about baby #2 and I’m already a little nervous about all that could go wrong given some crazy complications I had the last time around, and now I’m thinking maybe it’s not worth the risk… I’m sure I’m probably being completely unreasonable… but I can’t stop thinking about those women who lost their lives because their healthcare professionals weren’t paying enough attention and/or didn’t have the knowledge/resources to save their lives when things took a turn for the worse. Is any of this preventable by simply being a better advocate for yourself?
RDC says
Um, yes – terrifying. If we decide to try for another I would make my husband read it so he knows what to watch out for (and to advocate aggressively). I literally had bad dreams after reading it.
Anonymous says
I’m in the same boat as you – we’re thinking about #2 and it freaked me out. But then I reread the statistics and realized that I’m more likely to die in a car crash (not sure if that’s 100% true but seems more likely). I will definitely be more aggressive than I would have otherwise been about any weird symptoms (which I have a reference point for, having been through it with #1) and will ensure my husband is too.
avocado says
I also found it terrifying but not surprising. The US medical establishment largely views pregnant mothers as vessels for babies and new mothers as a food source. Mothers are not treated as separate people. I’m not even sure that better advocacy can help–the primary story was about a NICU nurse whose husband was a doctor, and the OB and hospital staff wouldn’t even listen to him when he raised concerns.
OP says
This is my fear. Even if they did listen to you, what if it’s platelets you need, and they don’t have them? Is that something you can even ask about in advance? Wouldn’t your doctor just laugh at you?
rakma says
So because I had a hemorrhage after my first that required transfusions, when we were trying for #2 I did ask about the blood supply at the hospital and the process for making sure some would be available for me, since I had a higher chance of hemorrhage the second time. The doctor absolutely did not laugh at me, explained the protocols that would be put in place, and told me to make sure every person who treated me during my delivery knew I was a hemorrhage risk.
Anon says
27 weeks pregnant and high risk and should not have read, because the freak-out factor was HIGH/hormones seem to be all over the place lately. My husband is not terribly good with medical information (family trait – in the hospital at 7 weeks for a stomach bug that turned into sepsis, my MIL wanted to know why I was arguing with the doctor about treatment (turns our I was right and the OB seconded my approach) – she also considers hospitals “hotel-like” and couldn’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to stay longer).
As long as I am conscious/lucid enough to advocate for myself, I’m not too worried. But if I’m not, lord only knows. His attitude is that we go to some of the best hospitals in the country so that will solve all ills. But having been through a number of recent hospital stays with my mother (knee replacement, sepsis, ovarian cancer with two surgeries), I think being an advocate is the best way to handle even in a “top” hospital. My family’s approach is to always have someone other than the patient present in the hospital to verify/keep track/etc. (like when they kept trying to give mom meds she had an adverse reaction to last stay because not everyone was reading her chart). Trick is to ask questions and be firm when you think something is not right. Considering asking them to monitor my vitals as often as they do the baby’s when I go in, although since I’m “high risk” maybe they will anyways.
avocado says
My husband is like yours, which was a big reason I hired a doula who was also a nurse.
Clementine says
Trigger warning: Maternal Death Stuff
I almost died as a result of complications. I survived because of good doctors who aggressively treated my complications, despite the fact that it involved really devastating treatment.
I did everything right. I am not the woman who should have ended up in the ICU, fighting for her life, but I was. My goal is not to freak out out, but to make sure that you realize that you should ask when it doesn’t feel ‘right’. I didn’t want to call the doctor because I didn’t want them to think I was a hypochondriac, but now I wonder- could I somehow have prevented this?
I read that piece and listened to it and it reminded me of how lucky I was to be alive. In those women’s stories, I heard my own. I hugged my baby a little closer that night.
Anon says
If you haven’t already shared your story and wish to, Propublica is still soliciting stories: Link http://propub.li/2rdYKMD
Anon says
Yes. I had a very similar story. I had twins and was always targeting two, but the fear of giving birth again after nearly dying is real.
The advice I give everyone is have an advocate, be it partner/doula, but even better if a doctor (in my case, my SIL was a huge help). And speak up loudly if there are any concerns.
rakma says
I read the article, and it made me really sad. With DD1 I had a hemorrhage, and with DD2 I had a high enough BP reading to be diagnosed with preeclampsia, no other symptoms. Both times, the doctors were on top of my issues, as well as caring for the baby. Because of the hemorrhage with the first delivery, they were also prepared for that complication at the second delivery. At my OB’s office, they told me to tell everyone in the hospital that I was a hemorrhage risk–I didn’t need to, because they were walking into the room with full knowledge of my history.
My experiences were so different than those described in the article. There is no way a nurse would have removed my BP cuff because it was uncomfortable (they were holding it on when the cuff was over-inflating because the pressure was so high!), every doctor I saw asked about abdominal pain once they saw my BP readings. I went to a teaching hospital, and every person on that staff was obviously well versed in maternal complications.
Two kids is our limit, but if we wanted a 3rd, even with my history, I’d feel comfortable delivering at that hospital again. If you’re thinking of a second, do you feel like your doctor/hospital was more or less on top of everything? That’s probably the question I’d worry about more than the systemic issues (which should be fixed!)