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anon says
How are you spending Mother’s Day weekend? How do you WISH you were spending it?
1) Saturday: Lunch with my mom and sisters, dinner with the in-laws. There is a good chance that I’ll end up hosting the in-laws because it’s almost easier than going to a restaurant.
2) Sunday: Church and DS’s soccer game
How do I actually WANT to spend Mother’s Day? I’d love to take the kids to the zoo tomorrow and then spend all day Sunday alone, in peace. I want a nap, time to read, and I want to drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
CHJ says
Our families live far away, so Mother’s Day weekend will be pretty low-key for us. So far, our only plans are that my son (3.5 y.o.) and husband are going to make a cake, which should be adorable. And apparently my son has been making something pretty special at preschool, according to him! And honestly, that’s perfect for me – a low-key weekend at home, with maybe some hiking mixed in if the weather holds.
RDC says
We were thinking of the zoo but it’s supposed to rain here :( No other family in town so I might try for a nap!
Betty says
My mom is taking the kids tonight. YAY! So date night tonight. Sleep in tomorrow until we grab the kids and go to T-Ball. The afternoon will be a movie (most likely Moana, again) and the kids doing paintings for my mom for Mother’s Day. Sunday is more sleep for me (with the specification that “sleeping in” means that my husband wake up at the same time as the kids first start peeping and not after I have turned on Mickey to buy an additional 30 minutes of sleep). The days is supposed to be a total washout for us, so maybe a trip to the Y for open swim and my husband making dinner for the kids, me and my mom. I have specified that all I want for Mother’s Day is 3 maybe 4 different vases of flowers (the kind from the grocery store) so that I can pretend to live in that kind of house for a week. And brownies. I want brownies.
Anon in NYC says
Um, I LOVE the idea of living in a house full of flowers.
anne-on says
I LOVE flowers. My husband does not buy them regularly. I decided life is too short, and added a line item to our budget for about $25/week and fill up on flowers at Trader Joes. I’ve gotten very good at making arrangements with what’s in season/inexpensive, and it truly makes me SO happy to have a house full of flowers, especially in the winter. Treat yo self!
Anon in NYC says
Saturday – hosting my mom and inlaws for brunch. Possibly the gym/solo shopping and a pedicure (or that could be Sunday). The gym/solo shopping/pedicure is exactly what I want for Mother’s Day. I honestly just want to be by myself for a few hours!
avocado says
Actual plans
Saturday: Skip usual adult ballet class and get up super early to grocery shop and clean half the house before getting the kid ready for her state sports championship while feeling lucky that her age group’s session is on Saturday instead of Sunday. Spend entire afternoon sitting on the edge of the bleachers praying that she will do her personal best and be happy instead of losing her confidence, totally blowing it, and then crying all the way home the way she did last year. Celebratory (or consolation, depending on performance) dinner at a restaurant of the kid’s choice. This will probably be sushi because she is a picky eater who only likes expensive food.
Sunday: Install replacement light fixture. Prep lunches for the week. Finish cleaning house. Yoga class. Shower, put on cute outfit, and go out to dinner at restaurant with delicious beverages and tacos and cool patio.
Dream plans
Saturday: Wake up to house that has already been cleaned by a housekeeping service. Ballet class followed by long walk with family at park or nature center. Take kid for mother-daughter manicures. Husband grills dinner. Symphony concert (that in real life we will miss because of the kid’s sports event, like every other symphony concert this season).
Sunday: Brunch with grandma (not happening in real life because she is out of town) and mimosas. Husband and child leave me home alone with Kindle and latte. Yoga and dinner as above.
Rainbow Hair says
Actual:
Tonight: meet my high school friend’s kid, kids play together, we eat takeout, maaaaybe concert in the park if her kid is up for it.
Saturday: taking my two year old for her *~first train ride~* and we are probably equally excited!!! me and a bestie are taking her just on the local commuter train, to the next town over, for a coffee date, and then back, but she’s at the prime age for train appreciation and I’m so pumped! AND THEN same friend and I are putting on ridiculous eye makeup and going to a brewery!
Sunday: pretty sure I’m getting flowers from Trader Joes, based on some nonsense my daughter was telling me + my husband sighing, “I can’t tell her anything!” …I also hope there are snacks.
Monday: some kind of dinner with my mom. I should really make a plan.
RDC says
I love the making a big deal out of a commuter train ride. We totally do this when riding the bus and my kid loves it. We don’t really have occasion to ride the train/metro but I’m sure he would love that, too.
avocado says
Bus and train rides are awesome. When I took my kid on her first bus ride at age 2.5, she was very excited to tell daddy that “I rode TWO buses today!” (one there and one back). The time we took a shuttle bus from the parking lot to the airport, then a plane, then a train in the terminal before changing planes, then another plane, then a shuttle to the hotel was possibly the most exciting day of her life up to that point.
SC says
On our last vacation to visit my family, I noticed how many different modes of transportation we took in one day! On the way there, we rode in the car, a bus from the airport parking lot to the airport, a plane, a tram in the airport, and another car. All we were missing was a boat.
Newbie Momma says
Actual: I have a EBF 14-week-old so it’ll be spent taking care of baby with a break to take a run and watch a TV show during a nap. My super helpful husband in every other respect (i.e. makes my lunch for me every day/takes care of ALL household stuff) is still not super comfortable with baby care, so I don’t think it’d be fair to either of them to run off for the day– and I’ve have to pump anyway.
Dream Plans: Am I terrible for just wanting a day of my old life back? Sleeping in, drinking a leisurely cup of coffee, taking a 1.5 hour yoga class at a studio across town, sitting at a high top bar and enjoying a wine and cheese plate? My little rainbow baby is awesome, but I still remember (and occasionally miss) the old me.
anne-on says
Aww, any reason you still can’t go out for an early dinner/lunch with baby and husband and have that glass of wine/eat that cheese plate? It is the perfect time of year to sit on the patio, and there are oodles of young families at our local breweries/bars in the early afternoon hanging out on the patio.
H says
No, you are not terrible. I think every new mom misses their former life at least a little. And having a 14 week old and breastfeeding is super hard! It does get easier and you’ll be able to do those things again.
Anon in NYC says
As for the dream plans, you are absolutely not terrible! I would love to have an entire day away from my kiddo, and she is one of the best things in my life. I want to be able to go to a gym class (or two!), leisurely shop for clothes for myself, get a massage & get a pedicure. ALL BY MYSELF. Without worrying about being home or helping. That’s all I want right now. You’re allowed to want (or miss) those things.
Blueberry says
I read this as 14-*month*-old and was thinking, girl your husband needs to get over himself and step it up with the childcare! I realize one of the little things I miss a lot about my life pre-kids was the Sunday routine of a nice yoga class in the early evening and coming home to a dinner prepared by husband, wine and… what might be expected to follow all that… sigh.
+1 that y’all might want to just go to an early dinner/drink at a bar with bebe. With any luck, she’s sleeping anyway :)
Pogo says
14 weeks is still really tiny – I can see a dad not being super comfortable at that point. Don’t feel like you’ll never be able to leave baby with him!
RDC says
Right there with you. My 4month old hasn’t managed to take a bottle yet and while I’m glad that breastfeeding is going well and that I’m able to be home with her a while longer (making the bottle thing not an urgent problem *yet*) … I would also like a more than 3 hour stretch of time by myself.
anon says
I spent most of my son’s first year thinking I had made A Terrible Mistake, so if you are just occasionally missing your old life you are way ahead of me! I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t miss your old life – taking care of a newborn is not THAT fun. I am also super impressed that you are back to running right away. Hang in there – it gets easier. In just a year they can feed themselves. With hands! It’s kind of amazing.
(was) due in june says
My DH is out of town in arbitration so I am on solo parenting duty. I will not be doing anything for Mother’s Day. DH bought me a nice bottle of wine, forgetting that my tolerance has gone to zero since having our kid and also I’m on an anti-depressant and shouldn’t be drinking anyway. I realize he’s working until midnight for the past few weeks but COME ON.
And I have a HUGE interview on monday for a new job that I really, really need to get.
I would like to have time alone. In quiet. In a clean house I did not myself clean.
Ai says
Hire a cleaning service to come later today. Then when the kids go to sleep tonight your dream can come true.
SC says
Actual
Saturday: Making quiche for Mother’s Day brunch while DH takes Kiddo to swim lesson. Maybe going to the school “fair” (Kiddo’s daycare is attached to a school, and DH is an alum). Going out for a fancy dinner for DH’s birthday!!!
Sunday: Morning, hosting MIL, step-FIL, SIL, and BIL for Mother’s Day. I agree that it’s easier at our place. I’ll make the quiche on Saturday, we’ll have food that you don’t have to cook (fruit, smoked salmon and bagels) plus bacon. MIL has agreed to come over and help set up/ help with Kiddo before brunch so I can relax a bit. Afternoon, attending a large family gathering at FIL’s house. I posted a couple of weeks ago about the pool situation, so I’m a little nervous. I think our plan is to put on a life vest + plan to swim.
Dream
I’m pretty happy with our plans, actually. I’m excited about date night/ birthday dinner on Saturday night. Sure, there’s a part of me that wants to lie in bed all day and be left alone, but I chose to live within minutes of DH’s giant family because I love it, and it will be fun once we’re doing it. I also really appreciate that DH and in-laws are minimizing the work I have to do for the family gatherings :)
AwayEmily says
Got a positive pregnancy test today, woo! Here’s hoping it sticks (if it does, this will be my second; my first is a year old). Everything I’ve read says that you’re not supposed to feel symptoms until ~5 weeks in but I have been *exhausted* for the last couple of days and have some low-grade nausea. Maybe it’s just stress, though? Did anyone else get super early symptoms?
CHJ says
Congrats! My first early pregnancy symptoms were sore b–bs and cramps (before I would have missed my period), but no nausea or fatigue until 5-6 weeks. Maybe hydrate a bit and see if you feel better?
Betty says
Congrats!! Nausea was an early symptom for me. How many weeks do you think you are?
AwayEmily says
Just about exactly two weeks. So, VERY early.
Betty says
The calculations begin as of your last missed period. So when you say two weeks, do you mean that two weeks since conception? If that is the case, you are probably 4 or even 5 weeks (about the time that you can get a positive and most women find out).
AwayEmily says
Oh — yes, two weeks since conception. I can’t believe I have already forgotten all this pregnancy math.
Pogo says
You’re probably 5w if you got a positive test. I had symptoms from the moment of conception on ward (cramps mostly).
lsw says
I got super early symptoms…and they lasted until 7 months. So I hope that doesn’t happen to you! I kept repeating to myself that sickness is a good sign (I read that somewhere, and don’t care if it’s true, it helped me survive).
lsw says
Also, congrats! And I hope everything goes well! I apologize for my lack of coffee = lack of appropriate enthusiasm over text.
Anon in NYC says
My chest was super sore within a few days of my missed period.
Anon in NYC says
Sorry – forgot to say congrats!
avocado says
Congratulations and happy Mother’s Day! My first symptom was total exhaustion, then chest soreness, then nausea started at around week 7 and unfortunately lasted until delivery.
Fun fact: I got my positive test result on Mother’s Day eleven years ago.
Anon says
Congratulations! I did IVF so I knew as accurately as possible when implantation occurred, and knew it “took” before I peed on the stick because I felt so icky (nauseated and tired.)
Happy Mother’s Day!
ElisaR says
awesome!! I am there with you – I have a 13 month old and i’m 10 wks pregnant. I felt symptoms right away – but the worst part, I felt like I was showing right away! Like 6 weeks right away. I know it’s bloat but ugh hard to hide…..
Anon says
ATTENTION KAT! PSA – There was a third post in the “day in the life” series posted but it was posted with a date of May 10th 2014! I assume the year is causing it not to show up on the front page. I found it last night by looking back in the series while working on my own submission. I love the series and wanted to bring it to your attention. Thanks!
RDC says
More potty training questions. How did you all handle daycare? I’ve read Oh Crap but she seems kind of … hostile about daycare, which isn’t very helpful. I asked our providers (a large center) and they have started taking DS to use the potty every 2 hours or so. He’s still in diapers for now but I think we’re ready to move on. Did you do pull-ups? Training pants? I’m not comfortable sending him in commando. I’m leaning toward training pants but don’t want to spend the $ if it’s a waste.
M says
Our daycare started with pullups, did that for a couple months (talking him to the potty every 2 hours or so) and then switched over to undies except for naptime (still in that phase). I read Oh Crap but we didn’t actually implement it since my kid started using the potty more on his own (with encouragement from daycare and us, of course).
RDC says
Yeah- he’s about 50/50 for going on the potty (with prompting). Can I ask how you trained without implementing the Oh Crap method? I don’t really like that approach for us but unclear on how else to go about it (ie what are the alternatives?).
M says
Sure! It was a pretty gradual approach, and daycare played a huge role. Our daycare actually told us when they thought he was ready, and asked that we start sending him in wearing pullups, and they took him to the potty regularly. They also match the kids up so he had a “potty buddy” who started training at the same time. At home, maybe a little before then, we started keeping the potty out and encouraging him to use it, and bought him some undies that he would wear from time to time. We went through a few different kids’ potty books (since he would eventually get bored of them) that we would read while he sat on the potty – Potty by Leslie Patricelli, Potty Superhero, and Pirate Potty – the latter includes stickers and a cardboard hat that were a hit. We did a LOT of sitting on the potty without any “results”, if you will. But eventually he started putting things together and after a month or two he started peeing occasionally on the potty, and a month or so after that he started going regularly and now stays dry almost all the time. All that said, he is NOT yet pooping in the potty (sadly) – he’ll ask for a pullup when he needs to poop – but apparently that can take longer so we’re trying to be patient. He’s just 2.5 and we’re expecting another baby at the end of August, so our plan was to try Oh Crap if he wasn’t potty trained by June or so.
RDC says
Thanks!
Lyssa says
My son took a long time to figure out how to poo on the potty, too. What finally worked for us was to tell him that he could watch videos on the ipad, but only after he did so.
Unfortunately, he’s had it down for well over a year, and still thinks that he should get ipad access for going, so there’s that.
Pigpen's Mama says
This is pretty much the approach our daycare took — pushed/suggested by them. But it was regular potty trips in pull-ups, then switch to underwear and even more frequent trips. She’s mostly there now — which I guess is the downside of this method — she still has an accident, especially if she’s out playing or it’s the end of the day. Pull-ups for naptime at home, but not at daycare.
The Oh Crap method wouldn’t have worked with our personalities.
RDC says
Thanks – I’m kind of relieved to hear that, since I’ve been reading it and thinking it’s just not a good fit for us. Glad to hear other approaches can work ok, too.
avocado says
Our day care only did potty training in one classroom and our kid was only in that classroom for two months when she was too young to be interested. When she was ready, her teacher refused to cooperate with potty training by sitting her on the potty regularly, so we waited until a holiday break, did our own version of a bootcamp, and sent her back in underwear. It worked out fine.
CHJ says
Our daycare was very helpful with potty training. There was a little crew of potty training kids, and once we told them he was potty training, they started including him in the (very frequent) trips to the bathroom. He wouldn’t use the potty at school at first, but he got the hang of it after a few weeks. (Confession – I bribed him with a gift if he used the potty at school, and he did so that same day.) We also sent him to daycare in pull-ups at first, and then switched over to underwear once he was fairly consistent at home.
Anyway, I would ask your daycare for advice. They’ve worked with hundreds of kids on potty training, so they should have some good ideas.
TK says
My daycare has a policy on how they do it and it worked like a charm (I was skeptical). I got to choose the right time – just after he turned 3. One day I just started sending him in underwear and a plastic cover, with a bag full of replacement clothes and undies. They took him to the bathroom every hour or hour and half (or on demand); diapers only on at nap time. The first day he had a couple of accidents, but he was fully trained within 2 weeks – no more rubber pants.
Still so-so on pooping. At grandma’s last weekend he ran into the bathroom, gripped the rim of the toilet with his hands (while standing on the floor) and yelled, “I’m pooping!” In his pants. So close.
Buying a New House - Mice? says
So this has nothing to do with the usual mom-work questions, but I thought that I could get good advice here. I lurk often. We are buying a new “old” house, and our inspection found some evidence of a mouse infestation. Droppings in the fuse box–although no wires visibly chewed–and then dead mice behind the boiler. The house is just over 50 years old, so maybe this is normal. My realtor and inspector didn’t seem that bothered. But I’ve always lived in newer homes and never dealt with mice. The house is gorgeous, though, and we are getting a great deal for the location because the kitchen/baths need to be updated. How freaked out should I be? Also, we aren’t moving in for 3 months because the sellers need to locate a home and move out 30 years worth of belongings. So is this something where we should insist that they bring in an exterminator now while the sellers are still living there? Or just wait and deal with it in August? I have a 3yo, so obviously her health and safety is a priority for me. Thanks ladies!
Anonymous says
We bought a 1990 house that had only been lived in seasonally. We did end up with a mice issue but it wasn’t hard to resolve. If you’re renovating kitchens and bath anyway, pulling down the drywall will probably reveal stuff. Clean any areas mice were with bleach or remove drywall/flooring – they can smell their old areas and it attracts them back. Be vigilant with vacuuming up crumbs when you first move in.
You could ask for an exterminator to visit and assess during the three months but it will likely be challenging to properly treat until they move out their stuff. There are also ultrasonic things that you plug into wall outlets that are supposed to deter mice – maybe ask that they distribute them throughout the house.
CHJ says
We live in a newish (1980s) house in a wooded area, so we know all about mice! We hired an exterminator for about $150 and it cleared up the problem with one visit. Even if we have to rehire them in a year or two, it’s not a major expense. We also got a cat, and she does an amazing job patrolling the house for any random mice that might try to return.
And I agree on not hiring the exterminator until the current owners move their stuff out. It will be a lot easier for them to find holes and plug them up, etc., in an empty house.
PinkKeyboard says
Our house is only from the 1950s but we got mice because they chewed an access from the attic to the cabinet over the fridge and feasted on our chips and rolls. The cats caught a few (alerting us to the issue) but couldn’t contain them as they can’t get in the cabinet. We just set a bunch of snap traps, waited till we didn’t catch anyone else, then blocked the hole. I cleaned everything out and we are mouse free once again! Super easy to deal with.
Anonymous says
You don’t need to be freaked out at all. Once the homeowners are out, hire an exterminator to come. He’ll be able to check for droppings, etc, and he’ll treat it. They should recommend coming back either quarterly or monthly, until it’s resolved, and then quarterly after that for like a year or 2.
LegalMomma says
We currently have a mice problem in the basement (in H’s workroom) and also live near woods. I have not asked, investigated nor done anything about it as H informed me there was a problem and has set snap traps. He has insisted on keeping me apprised every time the trap has on in it. I am just happy he is taking care of it and it appears to be limited to the basement work room.
lsw says
I echo hiring an exterminator – they will examine the house for likely places the mice are entering and can give you tips for prevention.
Newbie Momma says
Bought a house with rats; got exterminator; 8 years with no rats. Doesn’t seem like a deal breaker for me.
Meg Murry says
Did they find any other evidence of mice? Droppings in the fuse box + dead mice behind the boiler with no other evidence would suggest to me that there were mice in the past, but not necessarily that there are still mice. Especially finding dead mice behind the boiler – that makes me think they probably brought in an exterminator at some point.
Can you clarify with the inspector whether they saw any other signs that would indicate an ongoing mouse problem rather than a past one? Will you have any time between when you would get the house and when you need to be out of the current place in order to arrange for a just in case exterminator visit before you move in?
We’ve always lived in older homes and every year when it gets cold outside we get a couple of mice. My mother lives in a fairly new house but out in the country and she also got mice every single year from the time we moved in. However, being vigilant about setting traps the at the very first sign of mice means we’ve usually gotten rid of them in a matter of days. I have a terrible fear of mice (probably bordering on clinical phobia) but luckily my husband is willing to be the mouse trap setter and disposer.
Pogo says
I’ve lived with mice since college so they don’t have quite the ick factor for me that they did initially.
There are plenty of ways to deal with them, and in some locations they’re endemic (like my area – I don’t know one person in all my friends who doesn’t have a mice issue). I would make sure the inspector checks the chimney and the foundation for cracks – how are the mice getting in? You could ask that any obvious signs of mouse ingress are sealed up, and a professional exterminator comes in to take care of them. That’s not unreasonable.
This is also why I have a cat – I would be super grossed at a the idea of a mouse scurrying along the floor where my baby is crawling. But my cat keeps the mice out of the actual house (we still have to deal with them in the attic and the garage, where kitty doesn’t spend as much time).
ElisaR says
I wouldn’t be terribly worried – you can take care of it when you move in. It shouldn’t break your deal…. and 50 years isn’t that old for a house!
In House Lobbyist says
Remember that inspectors want to find things to make you feel better about paying their hefty fee. From what you described, I wouldn’t be too worried. You should be more worried about the cost, time, expense, stress and unknown problems of renovating kitchens and bathrooms. Signed – someone who the “newest” home ever bought was built in 1930s.
Sabba says
Thanks all, this is helpful!! I think the mice “ick” factor overwhelmed me. The bathrooms and kitchen are mid-90’s, so we are living with them for a bit and will slowly remodel. I’m sure we will find surprises, but this house (mostly the location) is worth it.
Anonymous says
ADHD. So I always assumed ADD or ADHD was a hyperactivity thing, but holy cow did I identify with the poster who identified symptoms as daydreaming, difficulty finishing tasks without a hard deadline, etc. but who excelled in life due to a perfectionist streak, etc.
I’m having an aha moment as to why litigating maybe made me so miserable. I used to stare at a blank screen from all. day. long watching the hours tick by when I had to write a brief. Then, suddenly it would be due the next day, and I’d stay up all night cranking out a killer draft. I was most miserable, but most productive with my best quality work when I was slammed busy. So I sought lots of work and hated the life, and blamed BigLaw, but maybe I would have been okay if I had better managed my own inability to focus? I loved being in court, and still miss it. I just couldn’t stand drafting briefs or responding to discovery. Everything about it was open ended, and I would start dreading MSJ or other big briefs as soon as a scheduling order was issued.
AFter my mental health was really suffering, I shifted away to transaction work and went in-house, and have found my forte is really contract work. I never have to start from scratch, and I can dive straight into the language and think about it like a puzzle. Again, does it just satisfy me because it is finite work? I am so much more productive, and find that starting projects doesn’t loom over me. I can just sit down with a template, and think about how to adapt it to my client, then I’m done. I can fit work into little pockets of time – the way I used to see biglaw colleagues work, whereas I felt like I needed HUGE chunks of time to even get through an intro to a brief.
Have I just figured out what I like? or is this what ADD is? And should I have sought ways to manage this back in law school — where my pattern was to sit in class and totally tune out the prof/daydream, do poorly in the class, panic about grades, then tune in and crush the next class (my transcript is a hilarious mess — I “lucked” into BigLaw back in the day when it was far easier to get placed with help only from your school, and my only comfort is that I’m so far away from law school, I can hopefully keep it hidden indefinitely).
And should I try to manage this now? I’m happy and productive, but I’m now side-eyeing my father – who is shockingly similar – and thinking to my kids’ future.
Anon says
When I was in school, a professor said that schoolwork was 90% perspiration and 10% inspiration. Sounds like you found your inspiration.
NewMomAnon says
FWIW, I have many of the same issues you identify with litigation. Unless a project really speaks to me, I can’t get deep into it. Once I’m deep into a project, I could literally go for 12 hours without stopping and knock it out of the park. My employer has a love-hate relationship with my work as a result; give me a mundane, easy, “admin”-ish task and I won’t do it. Give me a complicated, bet-the-company issue, especially if it has numbers and especially if I can hand off most of the project management to a subordinate, and I get accolades from the client.
Everyone seems to be happiest when I just do the work I love doing. Given appropriate admin supports behind me, I’m an innovative and engaged employee. I feel like this is a sexism thing; a woman is expected to be organized and detail-focused and self-sufficient in all respects, and she’s a failure if she is bad at that. If a man is a “mad scientist” who needs a junior person running checklists and Gantt charts, he’s the future of the company.
SC says
This was exactly me as a litigator. I also switched to a transactional practice and like it for the exact same reasons. I’ve never been diagnosed with ADD, but I suspect I have at least mild ADD. (I’ve also heard that from friends and relatives, and apparently some teachers suggested it while I was growing up, but nobody saw the need to intervene because I was excelling.) I don’t have answers for you, but I wouldn’t worry about what you “should” have done in law school or in your last job. If you’re happy and productive now and doing work you like, I’d choose to view it as finding a job that fits your strengths.
Meg Murry says
There are some careers where some of the ADHD traits (ability to hyperfocus, willingness to do many things simulataneously, working best under a deadline) can actually be an advantage, not a total detriment.
So if you recognize some of the symptoms in yourself but have developed healthy coping skills, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. However,
FWIW, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult and had developed a LOT of unhealthy coping mechanisms (like relying on all-nighters) that no longer work for me now that I have to also be responsible for my kids welfare as well as my own. I’ve been through the diagnosis and medication process – however, the meds aren’t a cure-all by any means. They help me with things like not losing my wallet and phone and keys in my house constantly, and staying focused with things I hate like cleaning. But they also lessen some of the positive effects of ADHD that I was used to relying on (like the ability to hyperfocus and get revved up by a deadline – I don’t get that same adrenaline rush to kick me up to 11 like I used to).
I read a bunch of books on ADHD from our public library, but of course I can’t remember exactly which ones anymore. But many of them gave good tips for how to organize your life to live with ADHD instead of letting it drive you to become a crazy person that is drowning in paperwork.
These are some titles I remember, but I can’t be sure which were the most helpful:
-The Gift of Adult ADD: How to Transform Your Challenges and Build on Your Strengths by Lara Honos-Webb
-You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
-Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embracing Disorganization at Home and in the Workplace by Sari Solden
-Taking Charge of ADHD (or the version for Adult ADHD) by Russell Barkley
If you look for some of these at your library, you may find others in a similar nature that can help.
I’m 100% right here with you, as an adult who recognizes that my father almost definitely had ADHD (undiagnosed and untreated) and my oldest son is showing some signs. Right now he’s coping pretty well without meds, but I know a diagnosis and treatment would have made a world of difference to my high school and college experience, so I’m trying to decide where to go from here.
Anonymous says
And I’m definitely going to have to read some of these books. “ability to hyperfocus, willingness to do many things simulataneously, working best under a deadline” describes me 100%. I pulled an all nighter to finish every single paper at law school. Post-kids I’m struggling at work because I can’t seem quick it up to 11 with the adrenaline rush anymore -it’s like my adrenaline receptors are burnt out and I can’t figure out how to work differently.
Anonymous says
Not OP
Cate says
This is me! It stinks.
Meg Murry says
Exhibit A of my ADHD – the fact that I stopped a paragraph with “However” fully intending to go back and finish it, and never did. Oops.
Ok, time to pry myself away from the internet and force myself back into finishing what I need to get done on a Friday afternoon.
Anonymous says
HAHA, this is totally me. My sister and I share my kindle account, and I got this text from her. “I see you started “Women with ADHD” but only got 1/3 of the way through…” Yeah yeah.
Anon says
I don’t know. Some of what you describe is pretty common among litigators (myself included) and is also a common reason people leave litigation. I don’t think anyone can write a brief well in short chunks of time and constant interruption. My sense is that if you are happy and doing well, you don’t have a “disorder” that needs treatment. Treatment is necessary when it is affecting your life in a significant and negative way. Humans arent robots. I don’t know if what you describe is really “mild add” or just a pretty normal way of being. Not everyone who struggles with time management has ADD. Struggling to focus in law school lectures may just mean you arent an auditory learner, or the professor or topic was boring. Regardless, I think it’s always worth trying to understand yourself better. I took an mbti questionnaire for first time in a long time recently and learned a ton. It especially shed light on some of my litigation related issues.
Meg Murry says
FWIW, I agree with this. I think there are a lot of things in life that are more of a spectrum (like extremely ADHD vs extremely not vs somewhere in the middle with a handful of ADHD-like traits). But even if you don’t have clinically diagnosable ADHD, if you have some traits or habits that are common with people who have ADHD, then you may find that some of the advice for people with ADHD is well suited to help you as well. For instance, if I don’t follow the rule that my keys, wallet and phone have a specific home that they must go to every single time I walk in my door, I waste a ton of my life hunting for them (and wind up finding them in completely random places like on top of the fridge). For a person without ADHD, this kind of tip could still be helpful to keep them organized, even if it doesn’t turn into a night and day difference in their life like it does for me.
So I’d suggest reading up on ADHD and cherry-picking some of the advice, and looking at the big picture of what coping skills you have developed and whether they are helping you in the long run or not. As another for-instance – being able to crank out a 10 page paper starting only 10 hours before the deadline – this worked for me in college, and it worked when I was in a “constantly put out the immediate fires” kind of job. But it doesn’t work well in most other jobs and in real life, so I’m constantly forcing myself to not rely on this and try to get work done earlier by things like mini false deadlines (like promising someone a draft a few days before something is due – then at least I can do the crazy crunch time work up to the draft deadline and still have worked in a buffer before the actual due date).
Along the same lines, I’ve found that the advice and rules my friends with autistic kids must strictly run their lives by is actually pretty darn good advice for parenting in general, so I try to learn strategies from my special needs parent friends and SPED teacher friends that help make me a better parent. For instance, one of my friends is really good about using a token/reward system for her autistic son, and it makes a HUGE difference in their lives. While it’s not nearly as big of an impact for us, when I implement the same kind of system it definitely helps my kids too, even if they aren’t on the spectrum.
Cate says
How fascinating. I’m a former litigator who switched to transactional too and this is exactly me!
I also KNOW I have ADHD but for other health-related reasons cannot take medication. I could work on adapting my lifestyle around it more, but that was probably what the switch to transactional did for me.
I do miss litigation because I cared more about that? But I think it’s important to be in a field that works with your work style, if that makes sense.
Edna Mazur says
Can I be both totally over pregnancy and not at all ready for a newborn? 34 weeks and all I want to do is hand my belly over to my husband for the weekend. That is what I want this mother’s day.
NewMomAnon says
Hahaha, yes. The good news about a newborn is that it becomes less burdensome as it gets older….unlike a pregnancy, which becomes more and more parasitic the longer it lasts.
Edna Mazur says
Mostly agree. My first was an awful newborn but mellowed out quick. My second started out super chill but definitely got more needy at the half year mark or so.
I just want this one to be an independent sleeper…
NewMomAnon says
Mine was a colicky newborn and is still a demanding 3 year old, but I realized last night that I’ve gotten used to long stretches of uninterrupted sleep, a kiddo who can independently dress and wipe herself, and not carrying a small person constantly. It’s still hard, but it’s easier than newborn days and (arguably) easier than the aches and angst of pregnancy.
Anon says
Yes. That is EXACTLY where I am at. Also 34 weeks. Ugh.