Accessory Tuesday: Gianna Mary Jane Mule

I tend to go back and forth on mules — they’re very in right now — but I think this particular shoe looks sleek and modern while also being very wearable and comfortable. These are pretty much the closest thing to a slipper that’s still appropriate for the office. They would be particularly great for days that you’re commuting in rain boots or something similar; particularly since they are suede, they are perfect for keeping at the office. They’re $215, so not exactly a budget buy, but they look like a lot of fun for work and beyond. They come in pink, black, and red in sizes 5–11. Gianna Mary Jane Mule

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  1. Forgive me if this is a dumb question, but this is my first kid, and first illness. My son (who is 7 months) started daycare a month ago and is running through all the illnesses back to back. So he had an ear infection, which we treated with 10 days of antibiotics that finished about 5 days ago. Every once in a while though, I will see him hold his hand up to his ear, kind of like cupping it? My husband thinks it’s just a tick or gesture that he makes, but I’m concerned his ear is still hurting him. Thoughts? If we did the full course of antibiotics, it should be better, right? He is otherwise fine, not fussing or acting sick. Pedi copay is $40, which I am of couuuuurse happy to pay if he is sick and needs it, but I don’t want to be running there on a suspicion so thought I’d come here and see if anyone else had a kid with an earache even after doing antibiotics? Thanks so much!!

    • Walnut says:

      I’ll be honest – I only treat ear infections when a fever spikes or sleeping suffers. If I were in your shoes, I would be extra observant, but just wait this one out.

      • EB0220 says:

        Same. It’s better to avoid antibiotics if at all possible so I only treat an ear infection with a fever or terrible sleep.

    • Newbie Momma says:

      We went through a similar situation, and his ears were fine after the antibiotics. Started tugging on the ears a month or so later, so took him in and it was nothing. According to ped, tugging can be because of ear infections, teething or just because they found their ears.

    • My youngest had constant ear infections, with round after round of antibiotics. She’s now a healthy 7 year old and rarely touched antibiotics after 15 months.

      I say take your baby back in. If the first round of antibiotics didn’t kill the ear infection, you’ll need a 2nd round. Also–from 8 months on my daughter squirmed and hated to be held for her bottle. She wanted to lay flat on the floor with her bottle, roll around, and play with her feet. (I know, she’s weird.) Turns out all of these chronic ear infections were probably from her drinking flat on her back and formula entering her eustachian tubes. She still didn’t want to be held for feedings, so I propped her up on throw pillows until we moved out of the bottles and onto cups, and the number of ear infections went way down.

      I’m throwing the flat-on-the-back bottle story out there because I was genuinely shocked that it could cause ear infections, and my doctor gave me a death look when he explained it, like OF COURSE I should know this.

    • NewMomAnon says:

      I usually took kiddo back in for a re-check after we finished a course of ear infection antibiotics; about 25% of the time, she needed a second round.

      Kids can also continue to have drainage after an ear infection resolves. It doesn’t require any treatment, but it feels funny so they sometimes tug at their ears or play with their ears even after the infection is done.

    • Katala says:

      My understanding is what we call an ear infection is generally fluid build up in the ear, which CAN be caused by bacteria, but can also be caused by a virus or not actually be infected (but the fluid could still feel weird, and cause tugging). But antibiotics is the treatment for seeing fluid in the ear. Next time I’ll push for getting the fluid tested to see if it is actually bacterial. Partially this is because one of my kiddos is allergic to penicillin so I don’t want him having the “back up” antibiotic constantly as he has fewer options if that one doesn’t work and resistant bacteria is more concerning.

      Anyway, I agree to wait it out and if it’s no different (no fever, no obvious pain or more frequent ear pulling) just ask next time your at the ped for something else.

      • NewMomAnon says:

        I asked my ped about testing the fluid – apparently they used to make a small incision in the ear drum so they could extract and culture the fluid. Then they realized that cutting open the ear drum actually led to more infections and scar tissue, so they don’t do it anymore.

        Kiddo had a number of ear infections as a baby, so I bought an otoscope and did a some research on how to tell if a ped visit was worthwhile. There are different degrees of fluid build-up, and usually the ped doesn’t recommend antibiotics until a 3rd or 4th degree infection. If I remember right, there is also a color change when the fluid is infected; they don’t prescribe antibiotics just to resolve fluid build up.

        Which is just to say – Katala, I would talk with your doctor about what they are evaluating and why they are recommending antibiotics.

        • This has been my experience as well. My Kiddo had fluid in his ears constantly, but the doctors prescribed antibiotics only when there was an infection. Eventually, Kiddo had tubes placed in his ears, which resolved the ear infections completely.

        • Katala says:

          Ew I did not realize about the ear drum. Yikes! This is what happens when you use dr. google. But yes now that I’m more informed, the next time we have an issue I will definitely be asking more questions.

    • I’ll be the voice of dissent on the repeat antibiotics. My kiddo had repeat ear infections for a whole winter. My concern was the fluid in the ears can reduce heating and contribute (as I understand) to speech or development delays. That outweighed my concern about antibiotics.

      He got ear tubes in and it fixed the problem immediately. After a few rounds of antibiotics I’d ask your ped if that’s an option / recommendation. But that’s a bit down the line still; for now I’d say another check up is warranted to find out if it is still infected.

      • Can reduce *hearing*, not heating.

      • NewMomAnon says:

        I made the same decision – much as I would love to avoid antibiotics, my kid’s hearing is important and her well-being is also important. Also, kiddo stopped sleeping with even the slightest hint of an ear infection, and then I turned into a zombie.

    • Wonderbread says:

      Pediatrician here – though I don’t do outpatient/primary care so take my advice with a grain of salt. Also please follow your gut if you think that your son needs to be seen again!

      After an ear infection there can still be fluid build-up and pressure on the ear. Imagine a wound healing. Even if there is no active infection, there can be discomfort as a scab forms or a bruise resolves. So still tugging at the ear or even still having some pain/discomfort can be normal.

      If your little spikes a fever (>100.4) or is acting sick (not eating and drinking, sleepier then usual, not peeing) I would take them back for a re-check because there are some things that can cause a resistant infections including specific types of bacteria and infections that have spread deeper into the ear. But those would cause more signs then just tugging at or cupping the ear.

  2. Anyone have good strategies/ advice for calming kid-related anxiety? I posted recently about having been referred to the neurologist for gross motor delays in my 9-month old. The appointment went well and the Neuro said he wasn’t terribly concerned but would see us again in 3 months. Meanwhile, I am obsessing over signs of a certain serious disorder. Like, I can’t stop thinking about all the things my baby does and doesn’t do that map on to a mayo clinic list of infant signs of the disorder. It’s distracting me from work and keeping me awake at night. Also, I’ve had at least one bust-out-crying episode at home when I saw him do one of the signs. This is all really new– the neuro appointment was just last week– so probably I will calm down soon. In the meantime, I need some new strategies for calming my anxieties. Any thoughts?

    • Boston Legal Eagle says:

      It’s often recommended here, but therapy and medication. I had lots of anxiety during pregnancy and when my son was little, and since starting anti-anxiety medication, it’s lessened my spiraling thoughts a lot. I still worry about random medical things, but it’s much more subdued and it doesn’t impact my sleep or work anymore. If this is a one-off experience for you, then it might be different, but if this is a general feeling you experience, I would strongly encourage you to talk to your GP/psychiatrist.

    • AwayEmily says:

      I also strongly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy. It was super effective in tamping down my anxiety. The nice thing about it is that it doesn’t have to be ongoing — I went for a couple of months during an especially rough period, learned some very specific coping strategies, and haven’t been back since.

    • I am not normally one to jump to therapy/meds, but two thoughts. One is it could be partly hormonal for you – post partum stuff can be delayed – so please talk to your regular doctor if this persists. Two is that this is perfectly normal but you do need to cope with it and behavioral therapy can be good for this sort of thing. It may be something you can work through on your own too. I found Albert Ellis’s anxiety book helpful. It deals with social anxiety more than medical so it was not entirely on point but the principles are all the same.

    • Would it be helpful to walk through the disaster scenario? If baby has this disorder, this is what life will look like for him at age 2…at age 4…at age 15…and this is what life will look like for our family…

      My anxiety seems to be rooted in feeling out of control. Walking through the worst case scenarios in a realistic way helps me to see that, okay, even if disaster does strike, there will still be ways to live life and be okay.

      A cognitive behavioral trick that also helped me–writing down your intrusive thought, and then analyzing it in columns. The chart looked a little like this:

      Thought–>Time/Place it happened–>Emotional response–>Supporting facts that make this thought true–>Supporting facts that make this thought false–>Better response to thought

      This chart always lead me to see that my thoughts (No one likes me and I’m socially awkward!!!!) weren’t based in reality. When I listed all the facts, the false column always had more facts then the handful of true facts, and I could get my anxiety and fear out of it. It also helped to see the time/place these thoughts were happening, so that I knew that when I was tired or at home after an outing with friends I was going to be hit with a wave of “I’m such a social loser!” thoughts, and they weren’t real, and I could shrug them off better.

      • Here’s a link to the chart! You can download and print if you think it would be helpful:

        https://psychologytools.com/cbt-thought-record.html

      • +1. This is basically what helps me. Anxiety is partly a response to feeling out of control, so having a worst case scenario plan can be helpful; sometimes even just making the conscious decision to not panic for 3 months because there is nothing you can do until your next appointment can help.

        In the anxiety book I read, one thing that really stuck with me is that most anxiety is usually a result of some kind of ‘must’ you have created – e.g., your child ‘must’ be a certain way, and so it helps to acknowledge that and to recognize that while you can really want child to be X or Y, and while it’s perfectly natural to want your child to avoid dealing with all sorts of issues and adversities and to do whatever you can to avoid them, if the worst happens, that will be okay too because you will do what needs to be done to make the best of that situation.

      • I agree to this strategy but with the caveat that it is okay to shut down the worries sometimes – you don’t have to try to work through them every time an intrusive thought comes up. Your mind is going to try to problem solve, which gets your brain caught up in the worry more (rumination). So sometimes you can just say, oh, my anxious brain is poking me but I’m going to ignore it right now – I have a plan in place for how I will address the worst case scenario so I don’t need to devote my thoughts to this right now. This is your mantra. And then distract yourself with something else. You can even set aside a designated time of day to worry and go through the CBT exercise described above, and for the rest of the day, repeat the mantra to yourself every time the anxious thoughts pop up.

    • been there anon says:

      Hugs to you. I’m the one who commented that my 8 month old daughter also has gross motor delay and has been seen by neurology. If I were you, I would push for a referral to PT or EI. It has helped our daughter so much. She was previously delayed about 3-4 months and now is only about a month behind.

      But I understand and have totally been there. Staying off the internet helped. But if you want my anecdotal experience and advice feel free to email me at emr*tte (I think I have to do that to the e to avoid mod) at yahoo.

      • Anonymous says:

        Big hugs! I second been there anon. My 11 month old son also has gross motor delays, and the only thing that has calmed my anxiety about it is getting him services. Everyone in my life told me he was just doing things in his own time, and the pediatrician and neurologist weren’t terribly concerned, but I called Early Intervention anyway (you don’t need a referral, you can just request an evaluation), and he qualified for PT. He has wonderful therapists and is getting stronger every day. I used to literally lie awake in bed worrying about him, but knowing that I’m getting him the help he needs has made a huge difference. You are not alone.

    • Redux says:

      Thank everyone. For the ideas and the compassion.

      • Strategy mom says:

        It’s only been a week since the appt – i would be gentle with yourself. i think anyone, regardless of hormones or anxiety, would be pretty stressed. i’d look for distractions and feel reassured that your doc thought it was ok to do nothing for 3 months to see how things play out.

  3. CPA Lady says:

    So, I have fretted here from time to time about my letting my kid have a pacifier for a very long time. Well, she turned 3 recently, and we decided to have the pacifier fairy come, and wanted to report back on the experience.

    We talked it up for about two months. We read the “Pacifiers Are Not Forever” book and watched the Elmo “Bye Bye Binkie” episode. (I cried). The night before her birthday, we had her gather her pacifiers in her Easter basket and leave it outside her room. I spent an extra long time doing bedtime, snuggles, and read her an extra story. In the morning the fairy had left her several presents and treats, which she loved. It went as smoothly as it could have. She slept and is sleeping fine. She has only asked for it a couple times, but completely accepts “remember, the pacifier fairy came and took them to new babies?” without crying or fussing.

    Miracles do happen.

    • Anon in NYC says:

      Aww, that’s sweet! Glad it went so well.

    • Rainbow Hair says:

      Inspiring!

      Kiddo (2.5) still uses a wubanub in the car and during lullabies… she’s been biting the ends off (horrifying) and I’m hoping we can snip the pacifier part off and she can keep the stuffed animal? Ugh IDK it’s anxiety inducing.

      • SD in DC says:

        My daughter had two wubbanubs and we had her quit just before 2. I had the same thought as you and cut the pacifier off one of them to start and she was distraught! Less so because of the missing pacifier and more because we “broke” it. We ended up just taking the other wubbanub away cold turkey and that went better than when we tried to leave her with her “broken” monkey.

        I think if we have to do something similar with my son (who at 4 months has had minimal interest in pacifiers so far), I’d just buy a larger stuffed animal of whatever the wubbanub was and switch it that way.

    • Spirograph says:

      Thank you! I think we’ll try the same soon with my 2.5 y.o. I tried to plant the seed with Bye Bye Binkie. She sings the song, but absolutely does not connect it to the idea that her Binkie isn’t forever. She also absolutely loses her mind if we threaten to take away or “hurt” her pacifier.

      The problem is, her baby brother still legitimately uses a pacifier, and she’s totally happy to “borrow” his. We’ll see.

  4. Favorite brand for toddler rain boots? Thanks!

  5. Mama Llama says:

    Has anyone done yoga videos with their 3 year old? My daughter has learned some yoga at daycare and likes it, and I’d like to find a video to do with her. If anyone has recommendations, they would be greatly appreciated.

    • We have done Cosmic Kids Yoga for free online.

      • Carine says:

        +1. My daughter loves those! We stream them on youtube through our smart tv or on the ipad. Lots of different episodes and they vary in duration, too, which is nice.

  6. My 15 month old has started daycare and, of course, has his first cold. He seems to mainly be in good spirits, just more tired than usual, but the snot is really out of control. It’s been running constantly for over a week, just turned thicker and green. We’re wiping as much as we can, but should we be doing saline or NoseFrida or anything else? It’s not crusted boogers, just constantly running. Well, when he wakes up in the morning it’s crusted everywhere all over his face, but not in his nose because I think it’s just wet all the time.

    • Our pediatrician believes that all the snot suckers and saline can do more harm than good. We only do some saline spray if she’s dry/crusty inside. Otherwise just wiping with a soft cloth.

      I also run a humidifier, which seems to help things from getting crusty/congested.

    • Delta Dawn says:

      I would Nose Frida whenever you get a chance, if only just to help him be able to breathe. If it’s constantly running, the saline might not be that helpful, but I’d suction it out when possible.

    • Anonymous says:

      I used NoseFrida a bunch with my kids when they were sick up I think it irritates if used too often. I would use saline (to loosen everything up) and NoseFrida once after wake up to clear out from the night before, and then probably again before bed. But not more often than that. Push fluids as much as you can. We relaxed our rules on juice (went half and half with water) when the kids were sick.

      • Anon in NYC says:

        Yes – we used the Nose Frida no more than twice a day, but it did seem to help. We also used the tissues with aloe because we find them less irritating on noses that get wiped all the time. Use a light layer of vaseline or aquaphor on his nose if you think his nose is getting chapped.

    • anne-on says:

      So, I’d encourage a few things for the (inevitable) daycare cold. Humidifiers at night are great for keeping snot looser and encouraging things to come out. Blowing the nose at night right after a steamy bath also helps a lot. We didn’t do a lot of saline spray/nose sucking, but encouraged kiddo to learn to do BIG nose blowing. Boogie wipes (or the CVS brand equivalent) are also great for avoiding irritated skin from too much wiping. Lots and lots of fluids, and elevating the head of the bed can also help.

  7. ElisaR says:

    Food question – based on recommendations here I found Dr. Praeger’s Fishies as a good option for my 17 month old. He loved them! I noticed this summer that Whole Foods stopped carrying them, so I bought other Dr. Praeger’s fish options (which aren’t as much of a hit with my son but they were ok). Now I am having trouble finding those – anybody else have this problem? Any other recommendations? The Dr. Praeger’s webpage is blocked at work for me…..

    • Anon in NYC says:

      I can still see them on their website, so I don’t think they’re discontinued. I certainly hope not – my kid loves them!

    • You could ask your Whole Foods if it’ll carry it again, or can make an order for you.

  8. My little guy is outgrowing his Moses basket which we use as a napper in the sitting room and bath (when I’m showering). What kind of baby containment device / sleeper comes next? He’s only 7 weeks and has good head control but is a long way from sitting up. He still fits in his bedside sleeper (bednest) and should have a few more months before he moves to his mini cot so just need a daytime solution.

    Also, he started smiling back when we smile at him and it is the best.

    • A friend got us a rock and play and it was great for the first 3-4 months. Very portable so you could move it around easily and came in handy for a few overnight trips. There are some models with a lot of bells and whistles and some very simple. You may also want to ask around if someone has one you can borrow.

      • Katala says:

        +1 to rock n play. We strapped my giant 8 month old into his today (he was not pleased because he couldn’t sit up, but boy did he try) so it’s had a pretty long life for us, though he hasn’t napped in it since he was probably 3 months.

        Another option is a pack n play with bassinet insert. But – not as mobile (regular size doesn’t fit through doorways) and the bassinet part goes only to 15 lbs. The actual pack n play is useful for many things and will be useful for at least another year though.

        • That’s good to know. He’s 13lbs and long, long, long so I feel like most things will have a limited lifespan. I will see if I can source a rock n play as our flat might be too small for a pack n play.

      • +2 to Rock N Play. Lifesaver until about 4 months, then just helpful until about 6 months, for us. My kids are older, so ours was prior to the self-rocking feature, but even without that it was the best baby containment device, hands down.

    • Anonymous says:

      Bouncer. Get the baby bjorn bouncer if you plan to have more kids or just have money to burn. It’s fantastic and because you can recline it higher, is useful much longer than the cheaper ones.

      • Anonymous says:

        The Baby Bjorn ones are ALL OVER my parent listservs. They come pretty cheap if you don’t care about the color.

        • AwayEmily says:

          Yeah we have an ancient one (I think it is now on its sixth baby) and it is still holding up fine, so I’d definitely go for a used one if you can find it.

      • bluefield says:

        I think we used ours as a baby chair until our daughter was 2.5. She would nap in it at that age too (not frequently but in a pinch it worked)

      • Sleep help please? says:

        YES! We love our Baby Bjorn bouncer. It was a lifesaver!

    • Anonymous says:

      For daytime, we often just use a blanket on the floor.

    • We used an older version of the Fisher Price Infant to Toddler Rocker or a Maclaren bouncy seat, both of which we got for free from parent listservs. I think any kind of bouncy seat will work – an infant car seat would probably be fine too. Agree that the Bjorn is much better looking!

  9. Any tips on teaching him how to blow? We are definitely using the boogie wipes.

    And we should definitely use a humidifier, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Thanks, everyone!

    • If you’re using Boogie Wipes, I don’t think you need saline.

      And just be really ridiculously over the top when you demonstrate blowing to your kids. Both of mine would blow through their mouths at first, but by 18-20 months they would understand the nose part.

  10. Playground etiquette says:

    I’d like to know what the hive mind would have handled this situation. Sorry for the novel!

    We were at the park and my 3 year old really wanted to go on the occupied swings. I told her as soon as one was free, she could get on, so we stood near the swings while I chatted with another parent.

    A swing opened up, so we went for it, but right when my kid was standing next to the swing and was waiting for me to help her up, the other girl (about 5? a little older than my kid, but not that much older) who had just gotten off the swing, called to her mom, who was still standing there, to hold the swing for her. Other mom did so and the other girl hopped on. Cue a meltdown from my 3 year old, who clearly wanted me to do something. Mom and other girl appeared to be oblivious to the hysterics, but I scooped up my daughter, walked away and tried to calm her down. The other swing opened up a few minutes later, we went over, and she swung quiet happily for a few minutes and was fine.

    I was completely flummoxed as to what to do. I try to be fairly hands-off at the part and usually redirect her to something else if she and another kid don’t resolve it themselves.

    Grand scheme of things, this isn’t a big deal. Could be the other mom was oblivious — although someone pointed it out to her a few minutes later and my kid was screaming pretty loudly. I know in a few years my kid will be the bigger kid at the playground, so I’m trying not to be an outraged first time mom of a little one. But I was pretty annoyed and felt like I failed to stick up for my kid.

    • Wait, I don’t get it. The kid got off and got right back on? If so, thems the breaks. She wasn’t done, you still have to wait your turn.

      If you’re saying the kid sorta cut in line, I maybe would have said “oh, I think we were next for the swing” to see what their rationale was, but there’s also an equal chance I would have just told my kid, “oh oops she wasn’t done, we still have to wait for the next swing.”

      Then during the tantrum, I would have just helped her name and process her feelings. “Are you frustrated that you thought it was your turn? It’s hard to wait. I get sad when I get excited but it doesn’t happen, too. Do you want to do something fun while you wait?”

      I try not to be overly involved in this stuff. If I manage all her sharing/ turns for her, she’ll never learn to do it on her own.

      • Playground etiquette says:

        Sorry — in an failed attempt to keep it short — the other kid ran away from the swings (10-15 ft maybe) not just hopping off and hopping back on.

        I usually try to keep out of the turn taking/cutting thing, other than ‘you can wait your turn’ and having her say it was her turn next. But this was the first time another parent had ‘cut in line’ — so I think it seemed more unfair than usual to my kid.

        • bluefield says:

          I think the other mom COULD have said, “I can’t hold the swing, there are other kids waiting,” but it’s unreasonable of you to expect her to say that. I don’t agree with you that she cut the line – maybe she had to get a drink of water or something. It’s hard to see your kid upset but waiting in line & dealing with disappointment is a good lesson.

    • PregLawyer says:

      I have the same question as you on this stuff. I this sort of thing happen often – at the children’s museum, any shared play place, the park, etc. – where kids push in front of my toddler or take his toys. Sometimes the parents are there and do nothing, and sometimes the parents just aren’t paying attention. I have always assumed that I can’t really parent the other kid, so I never say anything to the other kid. I just console my toddler and explain why it’s important to share, and then move away to a different activity. But sometimes I really wish I could just say something to the other parent, because man, it really pisses me off when older kids push my kid around.

      • NewMomAnon says:

        This probably makes me a terrible mom, but – kiddo is a very effective self-advocate, and I just let her stand up for herself as long as nobody is in danger of injury. I will even encourage her to tell the other kid that it was her turn and prompt her with negotiating points (like, “How about you say you’ll take a turn for two minutes and then he can have a turn for two minutes?”). I want her to learn to stand up for herself, even though it’s hard to watch sometimes.

        • PregLawyer says:

          I think this is good advice! Once my toddler has a better vocabulary, I’ll work on that with him. It makes me a bit concerned that he’s a giant kid, and weirdly strong, but so far he’s showed no signs of physical aggression, so it’s probably okay to “arm” him with some skills for self-advocacy.

          • This isn’t bad momming, it’s teaching social and emotional skills, and it is was the focus of my son’s preschool as far as I can tell. “Can you make a plan for sharing?”

        • Playground etiquette says:

          I like that — my kid needs to work on asserting herself around other kids in a productive matter. She’s pretty verbal, but forgets to use her words in these situations.

      • bluefield says:

        This kind of strikes a nerve because my SIL is like this with her kid A. All the cousins (A, my kid, other sibling’s kid – age range 2-4, A is the middle kid) will be playing and inevitably one will take a toy away from A, or pick up a toy that A just put down and now wants back, or something similar, and SIL will always step in and advocate for her child. It causes A LOT of strife between my SIL and the other sibling. I try to ignore it but honestly I wish she’d just back off and let the kids work it out for themselves. Aside from the adult issues it causes, I feel like she’s raising a kid who won’t have any grit because at the smallest sign of adversity mom steps in to fix the problem.

        • bluefield says:

          I didn’t mean to say you’e like this or you’re going to raise a kid with no grit – I meant that my SIL is an extreme version of this. It’s one thing to step in when it’s strangers, but I do think it’s wrong of my SIL to do this to her nieces/nephews and when we’re all there watching the kids play.

    • 3 year olds have meltdowns a lot, so don’t let that make you think you were in the wrong here. I agree with the poster above, this is borderline and I might have let it go too. I don’t think what the other mother did is so egregious, especially since it sounds like there was enough turnover that you weren’t waiting too long – maybe her kid had previously waited 30 minutes for that swing, and she’s making a snap decision in the moment just as you had to. And I agree that at 3 your daughter is old enough to start learning to manage this stuff herself – it would probably be best to encourage her to tell the other kid she was waiting (which the mother would overhear).

    • Katala says:

      Some good, mature thoughts here. If I’m honest, I hate confrontation and would probably passive-aggressively say something like, oh I know it was your turn but she beat you to it (or something) loud enough for the mom to hear. That’s not how you make mom friends at the playground…

  11. Turtle says:

    I have a dinner tonight for work. Very nice steakhouse to celebrate a recent deal closing. 8 people, all men but me. I work with two, and extremely closely with one of the two – a quasi partner, we have self-selected into doing lots of deals together. Wine will be flowing. At 10 weeks pregnant, do I just fess up and tell the one very close to me that I’m pregnant? It will be so insanely obvious to him – I think he already suspects it to be honest.
    He’s has a 1 year old himself, and he ‘called it’ when another coworker was pregnant but not yet telling us. But for this dinner, I probably wouldn’t tell him for another 3-4 weeks, mostly because I’m in denial (thanks, infertility PTSD).

    My MC risk is less than 3% per my doc since we’ve seen the heartbeat twice (fertility issues = I’ve been subject to multiple early screenings). So, the only argument against just being forthright with him is ‘what if he stops bringing me in on deals because he figures I’ll be gone in 7 months for leave’? I think that’s a scenario I’ve dreamed up in my head… This also might help explain why my effort has been 60% at best the last few weeks. I can trust him to keep it to himself. Can anyone advise one way or the other?

    • PregLawyer says:

      I think only you can know whether the boss knowing you’re pregnant would impact your career in any way. I told the partners I was working with about my pregnancy pretty early because we were scheduling trial dates, and there was no way I felt comfortable committing to a trial date when I knew I’d be gone on maternity leave. But this is my second pregnancy, most of the people I work with knew I intended to have a second kid, and everyone was pretty good about it the first time around.

      If you don’t want to tell, I think you can just not drink wine and if anyone asks, you can simply say that you’re not drinking right now (let them come up with the reason why) or blame it on the fact that you’re driving home. I think all you have to do is make a quiet comment to the waiter that you won’t need a wine glass, and order a non-alcoholic beverage.

    • You don’t need to tell him now if you are not ready. He will probably suspect and unless he’s completely insensitive will probably understand why you might not feel ready to say something. Aside from MC, there are other reasons you might want to wait – some people wait until they have had genetic testing done, for example, or until they have had a chance to tell family. My perspective is probably skewed because I don’t drink and never have, but you don’t owe anyone an explanation about why you aren’t drinking.

      • Blueberry says:

        +1 – I didn’t want to disclose until I had genetic testing done. I felt super awkward about it, but I just didn’t drink, or I would have a glass filled up that I took small sips of. Nobody ever noticed, even though I thought it was very obvious. Even if they do notice, I doubt they would actually say something. If you’re not ready to tell, and somebody asks, you can just mumble something about being on antibiotics or something.

        • AwayEmily says:

          Yeah, in my experience if you accept a glass and then just don’t drink much, nobody notices. They only notice the outright refusal.

          • Newbie says:

            Thirding the order a glass but just take tiny sips. That has seemed much less awkward to me so far.

          • anne-on says:

            +1 – I accepted a glass of wine and took teeny tiny sips early in my pregnancy (or would just ‘forget’ the glass as we moved about a bar), nobody noticed.

          • Anon in NYC says:

            I did this too.

          • Rainbow Hair says:

            Yup, pretend to drink it! If you have a close friend, you can ask her to sip from your glass too, so the level goes down.

    • Mrs. Jones says:

      If you don’t want to tell yet, then don’t. Another possible excuse, if you need one: you’re taking antibiotics so can’t drink.

    • NewMomAnon says:

      I’m going to be the lone voice of dissent – I would tell someone in your office at 10 weeks. You probably feel tired (if not rotten), and if something does go wrong, it would be good to have someone at the office who understands the gravity of the situation if you need medical procedures or just some time off. If this guy has a young child and would keep it to himself, he might be a good confidant (but maybe not, I tend to think guys don’t understand pregnancy issues as well as women who have been there).

    • It sounds like wine is drink of choice but could you have them bring you “vodka sodas” or something instead? I am that person who called the Mexican restaurant ahead of time and asked them to bring me only virgin Margaritas all night (and charge us for regular). I got the side eye from big boss on the third one and I wanted to be like, it’s just juice, lady!!

    • I told at 8 weeks in a very similar situation, except we won a huge motion and were sitting in the airport bar celebrating. Just the two of us, and it was very weird for me to not have a drink. He was a great confidant (as NewMomAnon says above) and in the end I was glad I told him. He also helped me decide when the right time to tell everyone else was as well. I can’t say everyone would have had as good luck as I did, but if you think you’d be in a similar situation, I recommend sharing your news.

      • Oh, and I also got away with not telling two weeks earlier at a dinner by accepting a glass and taking tiny sips. So, that works too and no one pays attention.

    • Turtle says:

      Update!: I couldn’t bring myself to tell him – truly, infertility PTSD is real (but that’s a whole other bag o’ worms for another day…) so while part of me really wanted to, I just couldn’t muster the courage to admit it. So anyway, I sat at the opposite end of the table from my coworker, meaning he wasn’t able to really notice if I was drinking or not. I did a couple faux sips when there were toasts early on, and then eventually everyone else was so sauced that I think they just assumed I was, too. 2 hours in to the 4-hour dinner the guy next to me suddenly had to leave. I (hopefully) casually swapped our glasses as his was mostly empty and put it in front of me. Phew. I survived! Thanks for the support and advice!

  12. ER for turtle says:

    I did just this recently. It was even worse than a closing dinner: flew across country to negotiate big deal with senior execs, deal fell apart temporarily, everyone on my team was disenheartened and basically barhopped for 8 hours to kill time. I was 11 weeks and it was important to DH that I not drink even a little. Nobody suspected except the partner who already had reasons to suspect. I spent 30 minutes fending off “why aren’t you drinking” questions from the exec team and bankers, to the point that one of my clients snapped at his coworkers to lay off of me. I showed up to the closing dinner 7 months later and everyone — everyone– was absolutely shocked that I was pregnant! Despite the fact that the main in house lead guy is married to an OB, the team knew I already had a toddler, etc. Unbelievable.

    At a closing dinner, I would just use the excuse that you have to drive and or work later that evening.

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