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My obsession with all things Alexis Bittar continues, and I just ordered this lovely little necklace. It also comes in a silver and black version (all with a gold chain), but for some reason the delicate rosey “sunset” lucite spoke to me the most. It’s 50% off, too, on sale from $115 down to $57. Alexis Bittar ‘Lucite® ‘ Disc Pendant Necklace (L-3)Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
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- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
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- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
CPA Lady says
I don’t remember if I was anon for this or not, but recently I complained about my 19 month old being a holy terror when trying to get out of the house in the morning. Y’all, thank god for screen-time and for whoever recommended that. Just 10 minutes of her watching some little baby bum videos on youtube is long enough for me to get dressed and slap on some makeup. Things are so much calmer and less frustrating. And the last couple of nights we had really fun and pleasant dinners too. Its so nice to have good days sometimes.
Pigpen's Mama says
Great!
Hah, my kiddo LOVES the baby bum videos. I even have the app on my phone. I’ve had them on in the background so much that they no longer seem wrong and weird to me (Creepy Old Man/Old MacDonald and Astro-Ba Ba Black Sheep I’m looking at you).
A pleasant morning makes for such a better start to the day!
anon says
Haha it’s definitely important to commemorate the good days!!
FVNC says
I’m so glad my kid isn’t the only one who loves those creepy Baby Bum videos!
Atty mom says
I kinda miss the LBB videos now that DH likes watching “surprise egg” and chu-chu tv
Videos – weird stuff ;)
Atty mom says
I meant DS, not DH, although that would be funny.
Pigpen's Mama says
Chu Chu TV makes LLB look soooo much less creepy.
Anonish says
Does anyone have recommendations for cheapish, low, delicate heels. I have been out of the heel-wearing game for over a year thanks to pregnancy and injury, and have a fancy-schmancy wedding coming up. I think a bluish-grey would best go with both of my RTR selections, but am open to black. I am fine with a D’Orsay, T-strap, or just strappy style, but would like the shoe to be super-delicate since the dresses themselves are pretty bold. I am so out of practice buying, and wearing, heels of any sort! (And if I could, I’d try to get away with flats, but I’m pretty sure that’s not gonna fly for black tie with Correspondence-Dinner-level attendees.)
Anonymous says
How about a delicate-ish wedge to split the difference? I don’t have a specific recommendation (I have a strappy sandal wedge with a thin heel, if that makes sense, from BR that I have worn for such occasions for years), but I have been eyeing these, which look less clunky than similar wedges: http://www.zappos.com/cole-haan-tali-open-toe-knot-wedge-40-black
Anonymous says
Or these ones — but maybe too spendy for something less versatile: http://www.garnethill.com/klub-nico-kingston-demi-wedges/shoes-accessories/shoes-boots/421277?isCrossSell=true&strategy=6>mPageName=May%20We%20Suggest-PDP
OP Anonish says
OMG those are stunning. Way too spendy for not being very versatile but I am drooling…
OliveMac says
Those seem versatile to me! Maybe not if you specifically don’t like wearing heels of any kind, including wedges, but you could easily wear these with all kinds of summer apparel! What a gorgeous find.
Carrie M says
No specific rec for your parameters, but I’d look at the Evening Shoes selection on the nordstrom website and then order a few options to try on. Free shipping, free returns. They have a bunch of lower-heeled options. I’ve worn J Renee wedge peep-toes with a bow at the toe to a few recent events (in nude-for-me), and have received a lot of compliments. Good luck!
Meg Murry says
Or Zappos with free shipping free returns. I may or may not have ordered 9 different shoes (and then returned all but 1 and ordered 5 more) shipped to my office so my husband wouldn’t see the boxes and freak out. Plus my office has carpeting and
If this is your first time in heels after baby you may want to try on some of your old heels and if they feel at all tight order a half size up or a wide. I don’t know that my feet grew when pregnant so much as after baby I had zero patience for shoes that were at all pinchy or tight, whereas in the past I might have settled for something a little bit uncomfortable if it was a “good deal” and the next size up wasn’t available, and now I have zero patience for squeezing my feet into uncomfortable shoes in the name of looking cute.
anne-on says
Have you tried boden? I find their shoes very comfortable. Ann Taylor heels as well actually. Maybe these?
http://www.anntaylor.com/zosia-perforated-slingback-heels/404932?skuId=20639174&defaultColor=3966&colorExplode=false&catid=cata000020
http://www.anntaylor.com/kaelyn-metallic-leather-strappy-sandals/397121?skuId=20167295&defaultColor=6001&colorExplode=false&catid=cata000020
http://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/womens-shoes-boots/heels/ar734/womens-vienne-mid-heel
Meg Murry says
I don’t know if this is delicate enough for you, but it’s pretty basic and looks versatile:
http://www.zappos.com/anne-klein-expert-grey-reptile-1
Meg Murry says
Or how high is too hight? These are 2.5 inch, which is low to some but would be as high as I can go.
You can filter Zappos for either heels or sandals, then by color (I tried gray, pewter and black) and occasion (dress, wedding, evening) to see if anything strikes you.
http://www.zappos.com/anne-klein-mckay-pewter-leather
AEK says
Something like this?
http://www.ninewest.com/Leisa-Open-Toe-Sandals/20859036,default,pd.html?variantColor=JJ7RCA1&cgid=5241466&prefn1=heelHeight&prefv1=Low%7cMid&srule=PriceLowHigh
If the link doesn’t post, the Nine West Leisa
Vi says
What about these? http://www.zappos.com/nina-culver-royal-silver
gift ideas? says
A month or so ago I posted about deciding between extending our nanny through the summer or starting our son in daycare in June at 6 months. Well, we decided it would be better for him to start at 6 months (like many of you suggested), so our wonderful dear nanny who was with him from 3 months til now will be wrapping up soon (she decided to end now because she’s worried if she stays longer she will get too attached and leaving would break her heart even more). She quickly became part of our family (and our son part of hers). She doesn’t need money…so what can I get her? I was thinking gift certif at her fav restaurant, mugs with our kids face on them…other ideas? Normally I’d just give 2 weeks pay, but that wouldn’t be as meaningful for her…
MDMom says
2 weeks pay and a lovely thank you note with a picture of her and kid? I mean, I think the other options are fine but I can’t imagine any nanny would rather have a personalized mug than 2 weeks pay.
Anonnnnnn says
When I left a similar nanny job many moons ago, my boss gave me a large three-picture frame with nice pictures of me with the kids. I still have it over ten years later.
Anonymous says
What makes you think she doesn’t need money?
Anonnnnnn says
My first kid’s first birthday party is Sunday. Somehow we have ended up with like, 40 people. I’ve done everything I can to simplify and minimize the pain, but I WELCOME your advice– particularly regarding the emotional stuff. Our families are both coming and they do not mix well. That’s part of why so many other people are invited– as a buffer– but I’m already stressed and having nightmares about it. Yes, I am a people pleaser, why do you ask?
So far we’ve assigned tasks of balloons, picking up fruit and veggie trays, designated photographer, designated gift-tracker. Other things? TIA. Y’all are the best.
MDMom says
Are there specific potential conflicts you can anticipate? Like one grandma expects some traditional thing? Plan for those. Otherwise, deep breath. You cannot and will not please everyone, so focus on pleasing yourself and kid. Be respectful of people’s deeply held beliefs as much as you can, but let go of the idea that you can control how other people feel. This party isn’t about them anyway.
My kids first birthday party is Saturday. I deliberately limited guest list to very immediate fam only and am so so happy I did. Hosting large groups gives me no pleasure. Hope it all goes well!
pockets says
I’m also a chronic people pleaser and I have to constantly remind myself that I am not the guarantor of other people’s happiness. Neither are you. Repeat as necessary.
Clementine says
In our house, we refer to the impossible job of keeping everyone entertained, happy, non-offended, and enjoying themselves as ‘cruise director’.
Meg Murry says
Can you save opening gifts until after the party, so the different sides of the family don’t see what the other gave and snark about it later or try to one-up each other next time?
Is it all family, or do you have some friends coming too? Any friends you can put on “go talk to my MIL on one of these neutral, non-controversial topics like her rose gardening hobby or her upcoming beach vacation” duty? Or maybe a sibling or cousin that is a good diffuser/subject changer?
Could you come up with a list of “mom/MIL/crazy Aunt Sue, could you come help me in the kitchen with” tasks that are fine if they get done but not essential if you don’t wind up doing them. I’m thinking things like “open these packs of napkins and put on each table” (even if there are already plenty of napkins on the food table) or “oh, I forgot to put sunscreen on kiddo, could you go get it from her changing table” (even though you actually did put sunscreen on the kid)
Otherwise, you sound prepared. I’d just second what MDMom said – what do you KNOW someone is going to complain about (alcohol or lack thereof, no gluten free cake, etc) and prepare a short answer that says “Oh, I didn’t think of that, oh well, we have plenty of X instead”. When I’ve mentally steeled myself for my MILs criticisms, they roll off my back much easier.
anon because obviously says
I am also having this exact problem in a couple weeks, including MIL FLYING IN FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY based on DH casually mentioning we were having a *small* *casual* *brief* party for DD, and FIL with his floozy SO also deciding to drive from HOURS AWAY to come to this party. And of course, MIL and FIL hate each other based on a 30 years old divorce. MIL was barely, barely civil to FIL/SO at our small wedding.
And I cannot stand floozy SO who is dumber than a box of hammers (but does actually mean well, I must give her that), who takes “something she read on the internet” as gospel, and who LOVES to give me unsolicited, inaccurate, outdated mothering advice which is actually barely veiled criticism.
Plus my mother, who is great with the baby and helps out a ton now but prompted me to be in therapy for years. DD sees my mother several times a week and they’re best buddies, but DD sees FIL and MIL a couple times a year and is likely to cry when they get near her. So that will be awesome, too.
I’m getting nauseous and anxious just thinking about it. So. You’re not alone. My friends will be running interference for me as much as they can.
OP says
Yes!! This is what happened to me. I was imagining five people and a cake, and then my in-laws all announced they were coming. DRIVING FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY. AND STAYING WITH US.
They have done this for every major holiday or event in the last two years, and I am at my limit. But my DH, otherwise a lovely person, cannot hear me on why I might want to have a celebratory family occasion that does not involve weeks of frantic cleaning/hosting.
CHJ says
We ended up with a stressful, family drama-filled 1st birthday party, so my heart goes out to you. My big piece of advice is to pick a task that you can do with the baby, and go out for an hour or two with just you, DH, and the baby to get away from everyone and have a moment of peace. I stumbled across this accidentally, but my favorite memory from my son’s 1st birthday was going to the party store to pick up balloons, and my son was so filled with wonder and joy at the sight of the balloons being inflated. It was wonderful. And it was a great oasis of calm in the middle of what was otherwise a stressful day.
(And it gets better! His second birthday was a BBQ in the backyard with 6 friends and no out-of-town guests. Perfect.)
SC says
+1 to not opening gifts while at the party. We just had my son’s 1st birthday party a few weeks ago, and by the time we greeted everyone, ate lunch, and had cake, my son was ready for his nap. A one-year-old is not going to have an attention span for more than a few presents, and is likely to react more to packaging than the actual gift. If you have a drama-filled family, someone could conceivably be offended that your son didn’t “like” their present or that you didn’t have time to open that person’s gift before melt-down-o-clock.
We had my son open his presents over a couple of days after the party. My husband took videos while I unwrapped and attempted to involve Son. Then we sent a video for each present only to the gift-givers. When he was over it, we took a break and started again later.
MomAnon4This says
I was at a first birthday party that had a lot of activities for the guests — guest book to pass around and write memories of the year for the birthday kid, stuff like that.
I covered the tables in craft paper and set out crayons so people could draw their feelings.
Also, my mantra when our families get together is.. “like water off a duck’s back”. You’re the duck. Nothing anyone says or does about anyone else matters to you. You just say, oh, ok, that’s interesting, and keep doing your job of mom and hostess and wife. It is not your day to be daughter, in-law, sister, whatever. You are the duck. Just keep swimming.
Anonymous says
Motherinlaw surprise visit (they live three hours away and there is no reason why they can’t give us a heads up) went poorly. She got upset about state of the house (yard maintenance hadn’t showed up but literally showed up an hour before she yelled about it and new maid doesn’t start until June). Only yelled at me (not husband). Not to be a jerk here but I have been the primary income owner for our entire marriage, I work more hours and on call and contract and I am the only one who gets up with baby and I know my house should look better and feel bad about it already. Called me a bad mom.
House is not unsafe, is/was dusty and we were behind on dishes and are still behind on laundry. Babies room is always immaculate. We know we can’t manage and we have arranged for help, they just weren’t reliable the last two weeks.
She apologized to my husband this morning. I am very unhappy about all of this but do not want to overreact. Thoughts?
aghast says
IMO she should apologize to you. The cleanliness of your house is not her business. If she wants to make it her business she can get a broom / mop / scrub pad /whatever. If my MIL did this I wouldn’t open the door the next time she visited.
Anon in NYC says
HOLY COW. She called you a bad mom because your house wasn’t up to whatever standards she set for you?! Where was your husband in all of this? And I hope that your husband defended you to her and told her how inappropriate she was (and also how inappropriate a surprise visit is!). I would be livid.
Spirograph says
+1
Wow. Just wow. This is so inappropriate on so many levels. Unless there’s some kind of unsafe level of hoarding and grossness going on (and that certainly doesn’t sound like the case for you), there’s just no reason to ever criticize anyone’s housekeeping, let alone that of a working mom of a baby. And housekeeping and parenting are two totally different things; calling you a bad mom is beyond the pale. She owes you an apology. I’m not sure how your family dynamics work and whether you can confront her yourself or your husband should insist on your behalf, but I wouldn’t let this go without one.
MDMom says
This is crazy, and this kind of boundary crossing needs to be addressed firmly and calmly, by your husband ideally, but if he cant/wont be firm enough, then by you. Do not justify yourself to her. Do not yell. Just tell her calmly that her behavior was completely unacceptable. Your housekeeper/mower issues are none of her business. Period. Tell her if she ever shows up unannounced again, you will not let her in the house. And mean it.
I have inlaws with boundary issues. They are almost always put in their place by firm, calm, direct statements. They are used to not being challenged, which is why they think they can say these things. They have also been told that they are not welcome to come over unannounced.
Ashley says
I long to wear lovely necklaces like this without my baby or toddlers breaking them. Sigh. They even break heavier, chunkier necklaces, just grabbing and pulling or messing with them. So one more strike against my feeling put together these days.
Carrie M says
I hear you! I’ve started leaving some jewelry at work. It’s not super expensive, so if it got lost or stolen, I wouldn’t be heartbroken. If I forget to take it off before leaving the office, I usually remember minutes after walking in the door, and then try to put it right back in my work bag to go back to the office.
Betty says
This is when I got into scarves instead of necklaces. So many lovely necklaces broken…
anon says
I could use some advice from the hive. I had an upsetting morning with my husband and am not sure how to react. Sorry this is so long.
DH had a big conference today and had to get to work a lot earlier than usual. His job is generally casual and he doesn’t have to wear a tie. Well, today he did and couldn’t get it on. (yes, this all started with a tie.) He started panicking and then getting very very angry, saying, ‘I’m such a f*cking idiot,’ and seemed ready to throw his phone, just stressed like I’ve rarely seen him, in all the years we’ve been together. I actually felt just really bad for him and touched his arm and tried to calm him down saying, ‘it’s okay.” He jerked his arm away and shouted, ‘no I’m not,’ and ‘stop saying that.’ I said, ‘jesus, (DH), ‘ and he sort of apologized. There was a lull when he came back and half apologized and asked for my help. I wasn’t able to and he walked away and tried doing it on his own. When I said he could try to tie it in the cab he snapped, ‘how the hell am I supposed to do that in there without a mirror?’ then after some time he tossed out another clipped, irritated apology, saying ‘I’m not taking it out on you.’ I said ‘you absolutely are,’ but left it at that. More time passed, he was still stressing. I said ‘why don’t you take this compact’ in case you do want to try it in the cab and he said ‘I don’t want a stupid f*cking compact.’
Our3 year old daughter was running in and out this whole time, and he at least wasn’t angry with her, just saying ‘I’m sorry honey, can’t play with you right now.’
Please keep in mind this whole time I had to get ready for work too, we have a 3 year old and infant and normally handle them both and take them to daycare together, and this morning it was all on me. I was fine with it, but it’s crazy that he was the one freaking out, when I got up earlier to make sure I was able to do everything on my own.
He eventually decided he would get a cab, and was having trouble even getting the number. I said I’d do it, and that he could take that time to fix himself and he thanked me. He got the damn tie tied finallyand a minute later said, “I’m sorry,” genuinely this time. (which,of course it was genuine then, he no longer had a reason to be upset. ) I didn’t say anything. Then the cab arrived and he said, “I love you,” but I again couldn’t reply. From the cab a few minutes later he texted, “I’m so sorry for the way I treated you, I’m just so disappointed in myself. I love you so much!”
I don’t know what to do. Towards the end of pregnancy and since the baby was born we have been fighting more, and he seems to have a shorter and shorter fuse with me. That’s painful enough when we’re disagreeing/arguing, but in this case there was no argument! I didn’t do a thing wrong except just be there and try to help him. I get being so angry that you want to lash out at whoever’s closest, but in the past when something like that’s happened with me I’d at least say something like, “not helping honey,” even if in a very angry voice. In this case there felt like real contempt. As probably mockable/quotable as it sounds, “stupid f*cking compact” was so cruel. I haven’t responded to his apology. Which is really hard for me. I usually am immediately disarmed by any apology, because I know it’s hard to offer one. but what usually makes it hard is that both parties did something to screw up, and it’s difficult to swallow your pride and extend the olive branch. Here I did nothing but just try to soothe him. I understand the feeling of being so angry that that wouldn’t help and it would even be annoying, but his response was beyond the pale.
Here is the thing. I sort of recall one or two times in the past when he’s been this mad before but my attempts at comforting him mollified him, rather than further inflamed him. And that is the worst part. We’re trending in the wrong direction. I fear he has no or is at least steadily declining in his respect for me.
I’m humiliated and feel demeaned and just the object of so much contempt. I really don’t know what to do. We’ve had some fights like I said recently where he admitted he was completely out of line, and it’s only getting worse. Maybe if this was a complete outlier it would be one thing, but I think it’s not. It’s an outlier in that most of the fights have been inviting increasingly disproportionate responses – but in this case there wasn’t a fight even to invite the response. It was me just being there, basically. So things are only getting worse. I fear every time I accept an apology from him I’m worsening the dynamic.
Counseling isn’t an option at this time, unless suggestions for perhaps books or something where we don’t have to take time out during the day (his job is very inflexible with scheduling). Do you have any other suggestions? I don’t want to divorce, at least now, for the sake of the kids. And I do love him, very much. How do I remotely keep my self-respect? Believe it or not, we’re generally very close and when not fighting , which is about once or twice a month now, very loving and happy. But this is obviously unsustainable and terrible for us and worse for the kids.
Anonnnnnn says
I could have written this exact post with different details. I wish I had the answer, but I do want to give you a virtual hug and tell you you’re not alone. It sounds like he might be dealing with some PPD or PPA. I’m pretty sure that’s my husband’s situation. I hate suggesting meds, but low doses of antidepressants have really helped my husband with similar anger stuff in the past, and they’re easy to come by and don’t require the same level of time as counseling.
Also, once or twice a month is pretty good for having two little kids and two careers, in my book!
It just $ucks. says
Rresources on codependency have been really helpful to me while I wait out this period of transition in our family’s life. Mine stuck by me through awful PPD behavior that I am now so, so ashamed of– I truly wasn’t myself. It sounds like the problem isn’t your relationship but something in your H’s head.
Anon for this says
Is he depressed? When my husband lashes out like this more frequently (which frankly does happen when he gets stressed), if’s often a sign that he’s having issues and needs to re-evaluate his meds or seek some time with his therapist. Having a baby can cause something similar to post-partum depression in men (though obviously not hormonal, more situational) and having a new baby + a toddler may exacerbate though.
That said, if that’s not the issue, the best thing I can say is just stop talking to him when he gets like this. Leave him be. Don’t try and calm him down. Give him his space and let him fight it out with himself. If you have to cede the bathroom to him for 20 minutes and be late, do it.
pockets says
There are larger issues at play here but as a short term fix, when he gets like this can you just walk away?
Meg Murry says
Yes, I think sometimes you need to just leave the room (and take the 3 year old with you) because you don’t need to put yourself in the path of his anger. Or if you need to be in there, suggest he go try in the bathroom mirror instead in this case.
This morning sounds like it s*cked, and I’m sorry. I’m willing to bet he was stressed about something completely different (possibly related to the conference and getting to work early, or possibly something else like what he wasn’t getting accomplished at work while being at this conference). Can you talk to him about not taking his anger out on you, and can you yourself work on not trying to step in and fix things for him?
It’s taken a long time, but we’re getting much better at saying “tomorrow is a day when I’m going to be off routine because of [an important meeting, a conference, business travel, etc] and here is what I need from you” – even if most of the time the need is “I need you to handle the kids 100% and stay out of my way otherwise unless I’m asking you to help me find my phone/keys/wallet/shoes”
JJ says
So, I think there’s a lot to unpack here. Like you said, this morning’s incident seems to be an indicator of a larger problem.
You have a 3 year and and an infant – that’s a lot of stress on a marriage (I know! I’ve been there!). It’s so easy to take that stress out on your partner, because it’s “safe” and we can’t do it to our friends, coworkers, etc. I’m not excusing his behavior in any way, shape, or form, but it sounds like your husband had a lot of stressors this morning (earlier than usual, big conference, different clothes, cab, etc.) and handled it poorly. In the abstract, I can see either me or my husband doing the same thing. And I’ve learned that trying to comfort my husband when he’s worked up like that won’t work – he doesn’t snap, but it’s not helpful and I know that if he wants my help, he’ll ask. But, like you said, there’s more to it.
I think it’s time for an honest, long conversation with your husband about your feelings. Maybe this weekend – even better if you can get a babysitter or have the kids spend the night somewhere. Talk to him about why you feel like he doesn’t respect you. Tell him how contemptuous those words sounded when he said them. My husband and I had to learn an entirely new form of communication once our kids were born – and learn that we have to make an extra effort not to take the easy way out and snap at each other.
As for how you keep your self-respect, that shouldn’t depend on what your husband says. He can hurt your feelings and he can offend you, but he shouldn’t be able to make you respect yourself less. I’m not quick to recommend counseling, but even if just for yourself, that might be a good option. Look at why your self-respect is hinging on what your husband says. And what mechanisms you can use to help yourself in these situations or recognize when you need to disengage.
Artemis says
I’m so sad for you to read this, because it sounds familiar and it is so uncomfortable, and disconcerting, and something that weighs heavily on your heart and mind, and yet to outsiders it may seem like no big deal. It’s hard to know what will trigger feelings like this in a marriage, and it doesn’t always make sense from the outside.
I could write a novel about this because I had some of the same episodes with my husband a few years ago–it seemed like when he was getting angry, he was getting really angry, and out of proportion to what was actually going on. At one point, for various reasons, we were on vacation with extended family and he basically gave me the silent treatment for two days! It was horrible.
At the time, guess what? We were both VERY stressed about our jobs and, drumroll . . . . we had a toddler and an infant. Going from one to two kids was very hard on me, and frankly, I think my attitude started the “downward spiral” that we had going for a time. I was the one getting easily irritated, losing my patience, and he would respond in kind. Then the balance tipped to him. And I realized I could only control my behavior, to a certain point.
I’ve never been to therapy but I consider myself pretty introspective and good at self-analysis. I decided the only thing I could change was myself and how I reacted to him. Probably not everyone will agree with this but I decided to
1) be more even-keeled emotionally in general and when dealing with him (something I needed to work on anyway, and which got easier as my hormones settled),
2) not let his negative moods and words affect me so much (it felt like the end of the world everytime he was mad at me, but really, that’s my problem–we love each other and have a strong basis for our marriage, so there was no need for me to be constantly upset when he was, whether it had to do with me or not)
3) be kind to him. I realized that I wasn’t really living the Golden Rule in my own house. Instead of deciding to lash out at him as “payback”, or nag him because he was nagging me, I decided to let so many little things go, or discuss them with him more calmly, or joke about them if they were no big deal (again, these are personality features of mine that I needed to work on anyway, I felt). Essentially, I started modeling to him the treatment I wanted to receive. I think others have mentioned that here, that sometimes we are the least kind to the most important people in our lives (as you know from this morning!).
In other words, it was an experiment. I decided to change how I related to him to see if it would engender a change in him. If yes, great! If not, at least I was feeling better about myself and how I handled things and not letting his moods rule my emotions as well.
Well, it worked. I didn’t really discuss it with him except to occasionally say, when we were having a big disagreement, that I didn’t appreciate how things were going because I had been working so hard on x/y/z and expected the same treatment in return.
We’ve since had a third child and the transition from two to three kids was MUCH easier for us than one to two kids because my “experiment”, and the resulting changes in our relationship, was already well underway.
It was a hard point in our marriage but I had confidence that we could get through it—I’ve always believed marriages are going to be hard at certain points, so for me none of this was a dealbreaker, just a period to work through.
Hugs and good wishes as you decide how to deal with this. It is so, so hard. But if you love your husband, and know he loves you despite his hurtful words, and you love your family, I think you can have faith that there are brighter days ahead. Especially as the kids get older! Parenthood is not for sissies!
anon says
Honestly – I didn’t come close to crying this morning until now reading all your responses and being overwhelmed by the level of compassion here. I can’t thank you enough. You’re all kind souls and reading your replies has already made me feel more comforted. Please know you helped a stranger out there immensely today.
MDMom says
Sounds like there is more going on than just what happened this morning so it’s kind of hard to give advice without knowing some story. My husband also has a tendency to lash out at those closest to him when under a lot of stress/pressure/fatigue (usually combo of all 3) and then quickly and genuinely apologize. Its who he is. Always has been that way. So I kind of empathize. By now, I can usually tell when he is in such a mood and I just let him be. If he does snap at me, I will say “hey don’t take this out on me” and leave him alone. I will remain distant (though not silent) until he apologizes (never takes longer than 24 hrs). I always remind myself that the silent treatment etc won’t help anything and that I do love him for his many good qualities despite this annoying flaw of his. I don’t reassure him that it was ok either though. Usually, the next day or whenever he is acting contrite, we talk about it- why he reacted the way he did, how that’s not acceptable to me etc. So, later tonight, talk about it. I don’t think freezing him out is going to make you feel better or get you anywhere, unless you do intend to leave him. So I think you should respond to the text, accept the apology, wish him luck at his conference and tell him you want to talk about it more tonight. The resentment and anger will hurt you more than it does him. The answer is more communication not less. Hope that helps.
Anon says
Very similar situation. Culminated for me when my husband got mad at me for getting rear ended (100% not my fault according to the other driver, insurance companies, and the police). He claimed my need to be comforted and not made to feel worse did not trump his need to be annoyed and act that way. It was part of a larger picture of him always acting annoyed at me and like I am an idiot.
About a week later, he was acting annoyed at me and I calmly asked if he even liked me anymore. He looked stunned and I elaborated that the way he was acting toward me lately gave me the impression that be really couldn’t stand me.
He was taken aback and a few days later acknowledged that he is stressed (toddler and infant) and unhappy with a long-term work situation but was definitely taking it out on me. He has made a major turn-around in attitude and it was based on a frank conversation in a calm moment, but I did let myself cry. Once he could reflect, when he wasn’t all riled up, about how unhappy his attitude and actions were making me he did some deep soul searching.
I suppose my recommendation would be, when he is calm, and you can be relatively so, lay it all out there. Don’t sugar coat how awful this is making you feel.
Hope things get better. I truly believe that having young kids is the best of times and the worst of times. Good luck.
CHJ says
We went through this when my son was an infant. The combination of lack of sleep, postpartum hormones, and just being so overwhelmed by work/infant/major live changes. My son is almost 3 now, and things are so much better. But my husband still has his freakouts, especially when work is on the line. (For example, he recently had a total meltdown because he had an important meeting the next morning, and the car was making a squealing sound. Both things are objectively stressful, but oh you should have seen the histrionics.)
One thing that has helped us both is John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen.” It’s his model for communication breakdowns that are more likely than most to cause a relationship to fail. I read up on them a while ago and then we had a good long talk about them, and now we both treat them as bright lines that we never cross, no matter how stressed we are, and if we do cross them, we have the words to talk about why what happened was so upsetting.
And on that point, the “stupid f’ing compact” thing would fall into his “Contempt” category, and it sounds like that’s why you are so upset about it. It’s not that he rejected the idea of the compact, but rather that he was a total d’ about it. My husband also gets contemptuous when he’s stressed, but it’s something that he has greatly improved upon since recognizing it. (And full disclosure, I’m a total Stonewalling person, and I’m working on that too!)
NewMomAnon says
People here have said wonderful things, but I would also suggest getting some therapy for yourself if couples counseling isn’t an option. FWIW, my first thought was that his behavior wasn’t about you, it was about fear of the conference and he took out that fear on you (which isn’t appropriate, but doesn’t have to give rise to internalized hurt and resentment on your part). His behavior is what it is, but all you can control is your response and your follow up. A therapist may be able to help you think through why you feel such hurt and resentment. It may be reasonable, but it may be an exaggerated response that exacerbates the situation and makes you feel worse.
Hugs. Parenting and relationships can be so hard.
Anon says
First, big hugs. Reading your post was like a flashback, and I don’t know whether to be comforted or dismayed by the number of us here who have gone through similar experiences.
Big picture stuff: Its hard to tell through a single post alone, but consider the possibility that depression (on his side) may be playing a role. After my kids were born, I thought/read that a certain level of marital discord was “normal” and “expected.” I wish I hadn’t accepted that premise. While I think some bickering brought on by sleep deprivation, adjusting to new roles and routines is normal, what I experienced and what you describe go beyond those bounds. My husband was severely depressed and would snap at me over nothing, take things out on me, etc. and I thought it was “normal” stuff. It wasn’t. He was depressed and struggling.
You say that counseling is not an option. I urge you to rethink that. Marital counselors will see you in the evening. His job is inflexible, but if it is a priority, he can make it happen (biglaw and education over here). You mentioned divorce. If you are even considering that option, you can’t afford to wait. Don’t loose years because you think it will get better “when you’re no longer in the baby/toddler/early elem…. phase.” You have too much to offer and this period of time can be too great.
Small picture stuff: Number one: take care of yourself in whatever way you can (exercise, sleep to the extent your most challenging child will allow, eat well). Have you considered individual counseling? Regarding books, I recommend the John Gottman books mentioned above as well as books on codependency. You cannot change your husband, but you can control your own reaction and your own boundaries. When my husband (now rarely) gets into these spots, I literally put my arms up in an X and say, “I am not ok with this. I will be downstairs. I’d love to talk with you when you are ready.”
Hugs. You are going to be ok.
Spirograph says
Hugs. I just wanted to add to the “me too” chorus, here. Babies are stressful. Two kids 3 and under is stressful. Sleep deprivation makes us the worst versions of ourselves. My husband and I are both guilty of taking things out on each other, and we have a stupid fight probably at least once every month or two.
Recognizing this pattern in ourselves and each other and talking about it when we’re calm has been a huge help. We try to bring it up often-ish, just to reiterate that sometimes we’re just too tired/stressed to act civilly, but that isn’t fair, and we love each other. We’ve agreed that when one of us is in one of these moods, the other should not try to help, but just say “I’m going to take the kids [somewhere else] and let you have a few minutes to yourself.” Hearing the stock phrase sometimes snaps us out of it, but either way the 15 minutes alone to seethe and calm down is a huge, huge help. And it insulates the other person from hearing hurtful things.
Self care is the first line of defense for both of us. When we’re extra tired, when we haven’t made time for our hobbies, when we haven’t gotten enough fresh air and exercise, we can pretty much bet some stupid little thing is going to set off a fight. If it’s been a long week, or there’s something stressful coming up, we try to go for a walk with the kids in the evening — it forces us to chat/unload a little, and fulfills the fresh air and exercise requirements. I think it’s surprisingly helpful as a simple preventive measure… low investment, and worth a try!
Stacey says
Hugs- you are in a tough place. It does get better.
+1 to Gottman books. Even though they had been studying relationships for years, when they had their own kid they were surprised by how much it rocked their marriage. Then they wrote the book “And Baby Makes Three.” “Seven Principles” is also a good place to start. The two books are largely repetitive though.
OhBoyAnon says
I acted the way your husband is acting when I was at the worst of my PPD. Oh man it was the worst, and my poor husband. A very low dose of meds has me back on track though. It took finding myself sitting on the floor in our hallway, unwilling to get dressed for work, for me to realize that it was time to get professional help. Here’s hoping today was that moment for your husband.
Anonymous says
I don’t know if this is the best advice, but my DH and I are both fight-pickers that hold grudges. It’s probably each of our worst features. He can be a total a$$ and I can be an absolute b*tch.
We have both practiced disengaging. In your morning example, if it were me and DH, once I saw he was getting frustrated, I’d leave the room. Take my stuff and get ready elsewhere. Telling him to tie it in the car or offering some practical suggestion (“take this mirror”) doesn’t help; he’s just snappy and needs to snap or be left alone. Worst case he showed up to work without a tie. Next time he’ll practice. Idk. Note that this exact situation happened to us but it was a bow tie on DH’s tux that he refused to do earlier. I told him he could get in the taxi with me or meet me there. He ended up doing in the bathroom and got someone else to help him.
He wasn’t snapping at your kid, which is take as a really good sign.
anon says
I really can’t believe how reassuring and helpful all this advice and feedback is. Thank you so very much.
Calm me down. says
Preface this by saying I’m 10.5 weeks with my second, so probably slightly irrational anyway, but I just read an article on twitter about how high levels of folic acid may be linked to autism. For the last 2 months, I’ve been taking my prenatal + extra folic acid, not on a doctor’s advice, but on the advice of a friend who did IVF and was told by her doctors to do that. I feel so stupid now. Like I may have made a huge mistake and have now doomed by unborn child. Obviously, I will stop now with the extra, but what can I do? Have I just done a ton of damage? ARGH.
Calming manatee says
No. You haven’t done a ton of damage. There are articles saying EVERYTHING can be linked to autism. I used to study it for a living, and I’m pretty confident you don’t need to worry. You can only do the best you can, and I would be very surprised about this. Call your doctor and talk to the nurse on call, just to hear it from a medical professional. (My practice’s nurse and I got to be pretty good friends by the end.)
Also, let’s go to the worst case scenario– there are tons of “normal” people walking around who are on the autism spectrum, and you’d never know. Or they seem quirky, but are otherwise very high-functioning.
Please please get a copy of Expecting Better by Emily Oster. I was very anxious when pregnant and it was a lifesaver. My fantastic OB told me to stop taking prenatals until my morning sickness subsided because folic acid was the only thing you really need. And I did, and my kid is very smart and hitting all her milestones.
Now go to http://calmingmanatee.com.
:)
pockets says
I agree with all of this. And the study only linked high folate levels at delivery to the increased risk of autism.
rakma says
I read about that study too, and it seems to point to the possibility that different women metabolize folic acid at different rates. The supplements weren’t the cause of the elevated levels, the rate of metabolization was, since not all of the women with higher levels were taking supplements regularly. It was also a very small sample size, and lower-income cohort, which means there could be other factors at play here. This is in no means a definitive study (though you can’t tell that from some of the articles being written about it)
rakma says
After I posted this I realized I might be confusing some of the details with the other study that came out this week about swaddling and SIDS, but I still stand by this not being a definitive study.
MDMom says
No. I just read an article in the Atlantic about how the study is far from conclusive and headlines are misleading. They tied blood levels of folate and b12 to higher autism risk, but did not look at whether those women who had higher blood levels had taken more supplements. The high blood levels could be another symptom/indicator of another underlying problem. No idea. And it hasn’t been peer reviewed or replicated.
That said, there’s no reason to take extra folate either. As far as I’m aware, a prenatal and healthy diet is what the current research recommends.
Calm me down (OP) says
Thanks, all. I really appreciate the calming comments. I’m obviously stopping the extra immediately and just going back to the normal prenatals. It’s at least a good reminder that everyone’s doctors and bodies are different and taking advice given to someone else is not always a good idea.
I feel like I’m so much more stressed this time around then the first, which I know seems backwards. I have a seemingly perfectly normal daughter and am constantly worried that I have basically invited the devil in by trying again and rolling the dice. Silly I know. Hoping the hormones calm down a bit soon.
Clementine says
I’m going to add that you should go to YouTube and watch the 20-minute or so John Oliver segment from Last Week tonight on scientific studies. Really. Make it a priority.
anon says
Just wanted to say that I recently found out i’m pregnant with our second, and I’m having much the same anxieties (what if he/she doesn’t turn out as perfect as our first??). Hang in there!
NewMomAnon says
I have a preschool question! My kiddo is in a daycare center right now with a wonderful set of toddler teachers. She has about six months before the shift to preschool, and the preschool classroom is just….whelming. The classroom itself has had some safety incidents. The preschool program also experiences a high degree of turnover for both teachers and kids, and most of the higher income parents pull their kids after toddlers, so the preschool classroom is a bit undisciplined.
So we toured a well-regarded Montessori program this morning. The classrooms were beautiful and the facilities were far and away better than our current center. The teachers are experienced and the lead teachers stick around for a long time. It felt like everything was under control.
BUT…my kiddo is loud and enthusiastic and energetic and social. And all of the Montessori classrooms felt so quiet; the kids were either working by themselves or sitting in circle time following the teacher. There wasn’t any sign of two kiddos working together to scale the play kitchen set, or passing a dolly back and forth. Nobody was randomly singing or shouting in excitement. Is that typical of Montessori programs? Or just a function of the time we toured (right in the middle of the 3 hour curriculum period)? I’m wondering if Montessori is just not a great fit for my kiddo, or if she’ll grow into in the next six months, or if it’s a function of this school?
Also, anyone have a sense of how Montessori fits into the recommendations for “play based learning”? My ped recommended no Montessori until age 3 because of the need for play, and then limited Montessori after that, but I would love articles, etc.
MomAnon4This says
I used to be a preschool teacher, at a well-regarded preschool.
Trust me… they only took you to the “good” classrooms, with on-point teachers and where the noisy kids were absent that day. :)
Feel free to ask to speak to a parent of a more active child, or even one diagnosed with special needs or ADHD or whatever.
EB0220 says
My toddler (1.5) is in a Montessori program and my older child (4) has always been in a play-based daycare. I don’t have experience with Montessori at the preschool age, but I can at least speak to my child’s classroom. My toddler is almost always playing with someone when I pick her up. They’re usually pondering a doll or chasing each other around the room. She’s very social and energetic. The only time it’s really calm is when they are eating or a teacher is reading to them. If you’re concerned, you might want to visit again at a different time – maybe when they’re playing outside or toward the end of the day when the edges are starting to fray. It’s possible that they had just come in from outside play when you visited and were having some down time.
NewMomAnon says
Interesting. This school has only two touring slots a day for prospective parents – 9 and 10 am. I bet that is intentional; that is probably the calmest time of day in my kiddo’s class too (other than nap time).
I have some friends with kids in the school, maybe I will tag along for pickup some day. I think we saw all the preschool classrooms and one of the toddler classrooms, so I don’t think they were being selective about the classes/kids they showed. I just want to make sure I don’t stick my kiddo in a preschool setting where she doesn’t “fit in.”
Anon says
Very typical of Montessori classrooms. My daughter is in a very well regarded Montessori program, and I’ve posted here about whether to move her to a Reggio Emilia program. On one hand, that concentrated work period is great for development in a lot of respects, and long term studies have shown the benefit of Montessori preschool in particular (kids tend to be better at negotiating conflict when they are older, for instance). I think of Montessori as somewhat outside of the play based v. traditional discussion, but I also have been trying to read more about this. There is one article that delves into this (Playful Learning and Montessori Education, Lillard), but I’ve looked up the author, and her bias is that she’s a long time supporter of Montessori education. She admits that the “work” is rigid – i.e., classroom materials are used in a very specific way – it’s very concrete learning, and imaginative play is not encouraged during the work period.
This is probably my biggest issue with it. My daughter has missed out on a lot of the pretend play, which she LOVES, and does extensively with her buddies on the playground. She also plays quietly with other kids in her class, but doesn’t always seem to quite know how to navigate larger groups of new kids (I have a shy kid, though). I don’t like that group play isn’t encouraged, so it seems like the kids pair off, and not much is done to have the kids work/play with other kids in the class. I don’t love the large class sizes, which are part of the Montessori independence theory, but it took a full year for the teachers to really get to know my kid (if she stays, though, she’ll have these teachers for 3 years and they really bond over that time). I worry that when she’s not interested in the “work” provided, she is not getting engaged fully.
I love how much they play outside in a huge playground. I love how well mannered my child is, and how independent she is (excellent at taking care of her things – clearing her plate, putting clothes in hamper, getting her own water cups, etc.). I love how well she can talk about her feelings (she was mad this morning, and in the car, told me “I’m sorry I was frustrated this morning, I was mad b/c of X, Y, Z. Let’s talk about ways to make X, Y, Z better.” Shes 3.5, for goodness sake!! Again, some of the manners are school, some of that are that my hsuband and I are really into talking about feeeeeeeelings.
This is neutral to me – but she does come home with a shocking amount of actual knowledge. She knows a lot about geography, and bones, and animals. On one hand, it’s pretty cool, on the other – I worry about the criticisms that it’s too much too soon (though not taught to kids sitting in chairs). I know they do a lot of math-related work (beads, and specific types of building blocks), but not as much art as I’d like.
As with everything, I think it really depends on the school. It seems like “play-based” is the “new thing” in preschool terms, so a lot of daycares/schools are branding themselves as such to appeal to the current messaging. I think to get the benefit of a play-based program, there needs to be a method to the madness. I’ve been told to look for programs that focus on child-led learning – where the kids pick topics, and work together to learn about the topic or creation. “Play based” is not just a room where kids are set free to do their own thing. I’ve also heard such programs criticized, if kids are “forced” to participate.
Montessori schools tend to have a very specific blue-print, so it’s easier to determine whether the program is well administered (and not just branding itself as Montessori). I’m fascinated by your ped’s recommendation. AS a counterpoint, my ped sent her first 2 to montessori, and the 3rd to play-based, based solely on logistics.
NewMomAnon says
OMG, thank you for this. These are exactly the kinds of things I’m worrying about/excited about. My kiddo would soak up concrete knowledge and the independence components, but she is a super imaginative little person who loves group experiences. I also want her to have the connection to a special teacher like she does now.
It’s daunting to think that I’m prioritizing the parts of my daughter’s personality to be expressed on a day to day basis. I think I need to set up the therapy fund now….
Anonymous says
Montessori has a very different philosophy about kids and imaginative play. While MANY schools are more flexible about it, if you read Maria Montessori’s writing she argues that imaginative play is for older children (6+) and that most play of younger children is not actually imaginative. “Playing” at being an adult (store, house,etc.) is not playing, but is copying and expresses the child’s desire for work and responsibility. So in Montessori play like that is replaced with the “practical life” activities that play imitates. Maria Montessori also wrote that lots of “imaginative” play was actually the young child’s misunderstanding of the world and did not express imagination at all. Only after a child understands the world can they be imaginative rather than just confused or even just wrong. The strictest adherents to Montessori don’t even give young children fiction.
Because a lot of kids don’t stay in Montessori schools until the 6+ age, I think a lot of schools are as serious about this. But it is the underlying philosophy.
I really want DD to attend a Montessori school, but DH is worried it will make the transition to public school very difficult. And there’s no way we could afford Montessori school for the elementary years.
Betty says
Update to less than impressive incoming K parent night: A few weeks ago, I posted about my local public school’s less than impressive incoming K parent night. Last week was K screening and it was an equal disaster. I made an appointment for 9 (the first available appointment that day — and there was no kindergarten or PreK that day so that teachers would be available). It was completely disorganized. They didn’t get started until 9:15. What was supposed to take 30-45 minutes took 90, and I had no idea where my son was or what was going on that entire time. By the time we left, the small waiting room was packed with 9:00 parents and 10:00 parents and kids. We received no information regarding transportation, My son is already in their PreK and they had lost some of his records. Plus the district is in total upheaval (4 superintendents in 4 years, 3 elem principals in that time, sudden resignation of the high school principal, local disagreements on funding). Now we are considering sending him to a nearby district where my husband is the administrator of the elem school that my son would attend.
Meg Murry says
3 elementary principals at this school in 4 years, or 3 principals at 3 separate elementary schools in 4 years?
If it’s 3 different principals at that school in the last 4 years, I understand why there was chaos b/ c it was probably the first or second time they ever did K screening. However, I think you are right to consider just sending your son to your husband’s school. In my area a large number of the teachers and staff send their kids to our district even if they don’t live in district for the early elementary years. Our principal brings her daughters even though its almost an hour drive for them. Some stay in the district for years, others go back to their home district after elementary school.
Is your husband’s school all day K, and can he handle taking and bringing home daily? If so, that probably is a better plan than staying at a local school in upheaval.
Betty says
3 principals at two elementary schools.
I think we are going to send him to my husband’s school. It has been a tougher decision than I anticipated. On the one hand: My son is slow to make friends and has finally made a friend in PreK. On the other hand: We don’t live in a traditional “neighborhood,” so its not like my son would be missing out on playing with the neighborhood kids. My son can go in with my husband in the morning, do an hour of after care and then come home with my husband or I can swing by and pick him up if my husband has a meeting. I work 10 minutes away from my husband’s school and 30 from our local elementary school. The one thing that we heard that has really resonated with me was someone who asked whether we were prepared to invest in two different elementary school communities (my son’s and husband’s) with potential conflicting schedules, fund raisers, concerts, etc.
CHJ says
Plus the school 10 minutes from work will be so nice when there are holiday parties, concerts, etc. during the work day. You can pop over to attend and go back to work, no problem. Sounds like a great solution.
For the friend issue, could you send your son to a summer program with kids that feed into your husband’s school so he’ll know more people?
Baby summer wardrobe says
My daughter is currently 10 months old and almost walking. I’m thinking about her summer wardrobe and wandering what to buy – what do your early-toddlers find most comfortable for playtime in the summer? Are we done with onesies once she’s fully vertical, or are they still more practical than t-shirts? Are dresses for every day a ridiculous idea? We are in NYC, if that helps.
And PJs – she’s currently wearing two piece PJs (long sleeves and long pants) and a sleep sack and they should continue to fit through the summer. There’s an AC in her room but it still gets pretty warm at night. Do I just lose the sleep sack? Are shorts and t-shirt type PJs really necessary?
Also – brand recommendations? Almost all of her clothes are Gap, Boden, and Zara. I haven’t been thrilled with the quality of Carter’s, Old Navy, or H&M. Any other brands you recommend?
Anonymous says
I am a big proponent of rompers. So easy, especially when you only have to button up a few buttons in the crotch during the warmer months. No reason to stop now that she walks, imo. Carters has cute, cheap ones. The quality is not the best, as you mention, but they are only wearing them for a few months before they outgrow them, so… Osh Kosh is maybe a slight step up in price and quality.
Anonymous says
Hanna Andersson or Lands End for kids.
My daughter has been wearing some variation of dresses and leggings ever since she started walking. She’s now six. That’s still our easiest go-to.
ChiLaw says
I have started to hate onesies. I’m not sure exactly why? They’re just more of a hassle, the snaps under the diaper, and now that she’s walking her shirts largely stay down on their own. My kiddo has been wearing tee shirts and stretchy shorts or skirts, and rompers (I forgive their crotch snaps because it’s only one piece). But we buy them from Target or get hand me downs because I can’t stand spending a lot on clothes she’ll only wear for a month or two.
Anonymous says
Yes to PJs because they are cute.
Recommendation: Hanna Andersson! We have sets that have been through 2 kids and still look like they are nearly-new. And they last forever fit-wise…somehow, it’s like magic. You buy them and they’re a little big and they just keep fitting. My 6 year old won’t give up his favorite shorts set that he’s been wearing for 2.5 years, even though I really need to hand it down to the little guy!
pockets says
I loved onesies and am sad my daughter has outgrown them!
About 60% of the time my daughter will only wear dresses (her choice, not mine). They’re not great for crawlers but once they’re vertical it’s cute. Hanna Andersson makes really cute, durable dresses, and on sale they’re a good deal. J Crew also makes really really cute clothing. It’s definitely a sale-only purchase for me. Their clothing starts at age 2, but it’s a small 2 (for girls at least) and I think she’s been wearing J Crew tshirts since 18 months.
I have a lot of brand recs – I am a baby clotheshorse – Tea, Egg, Splendid are all cute, and all expensive.
shortperson says
we should shop together. my faves are jcrew and tea, which i fill out with basics from carters and some gilt purchases of egg, splendid, etc. jcrew and tea are actually really reasonably priced if you watch the sales — i buy a big box from tea during clearance a few times a year, $7 tshirts, $16 dresses, etc. egg, splendid, jacadi, etc. never get that cheap but i have gotten some cute, soft and somewhat reasonably priced stuff on gilt. janie and jack has some really cute stuff buried in mostly ridiculous clothing (tweed suits and trench coats for toddlers?) and again, i buy a set on clearance twice a year or so. i’ve settled on nordstrom for baby shoes. they have a great selection and a fabulous return policy.
pockets says
Yes! I would love to go baby clothes shopping with someone else who’s into it. I feel like most of my mom friends go for cheap/free over cute.
Family pictures says
Let’s talk about family portraits/photos. After 8 months, we have thousands of iPhone photos of the baby and basically no pictures of the three of us where everyone looks amazing at the same time. I am FINALLY getting around to booking a professional. What are your tips for a portrait session? Favorite things your photographer did? Things you wish you did?
NewMomAnon says
At about 6 months, we had a family friend come over the house – he is an amateur photographer and said he was really nervous about doing a baby photography session because he was used to candid event photography. It was great. We didn’t do any posed shots, because how can you with two dogs and a wiggly baby? He caught a bunch of tiny moments; me giggling as my daughter blew raspberries on my cheek; a very earnest moment of the baby looking deeply into the dog’s eyes; baby crawling all over our white bedspread, bathed in bright sunshine (which made our bedroom look ethereal and serene instead of the complete and utter mess that it was all around the bed).
We also did staged portrait shots at Penney’s or Target or something. They were meh, in part because I’m not a staged studio shot person, and in part because the photographer’s skills were…lacking.
Tips: Natural light looks amazing (another reason to avoid studios).
Babies can wear whatever you want, cuz baby chub is always adorable.
Adults usually respond best to pictures of themselves with arms covered and darker/more saturated colors.
Wear makeup a bit heavier than you would for a usual daytime application.
Think about coordinating colors across all the outfits so you don’t have someone in pale pastels standing next to someone in bright orange, or someone all in black standing next to someone with fluorescent floral prints.
I like baby to be dressed in the lightest colors, because I like to make baby the focal point, but that may be my insecurities talking more than anything.
SC says
One tip – wear colors that look good together but don’t match, and don’t go crazy with your hair and makeup, or baby’s extra cute clothes. I like that our family photos look natural and we all look like ourselves. Also, don’t make it too long – we did about half an hour, and DS was running out of steam by the end of it.
To maximize our time, our photographer had us mostly in one spot (which she chose ahead of time), and she had us try lots of different poses. Some that I thought would be good turned out awkward as f*ck, some that I thought would look weird are super cute. So, I’d recommend just going with the flow and trying lots of poses instead of moving around to different scenic locations and only getting a few photos at each.
EB0220 says
Tips in general –
Choose a photographer whose style resonates with you.
Don’t be afraid to ask for something specific. I have a photo of my breastfeeding my daughter that I cherish and my photographer was totally cool when I asked her to take it.
I personally like photos of people wearing clothes they’d wear every day (except a little more coordinated)
Anonymous says
Make sure to a schedule a time that does not conflict with nap time! Better light is not worth it for grumpy/sleepy baby, as I learned in my one and only photo session!
Anonymous says
One word: SNACKS